Thread: MY Wide Open Spaces...

TGIF!!! Weekends are SO needed…wish they were longer. Wish I could just be around home each day of the week. Life for me is SO much more peaceful when I’m home…everything around me goes much more pleasant when I’m not working. I pray God answers my prayers…I won’t give up praying about it either!

Got my new vacuum cleaner last night. DH put it together for me. It’s the Mack Daddy of vacuums. I did tons of research on vacuums b/c I didn’t want yet another piece of junk! It has everything I wanted, and is very highly rated. It’s a Kenmore…Consumer Reports listed it as the #1 vacuum on the market (for uprights). Sears had it on sale for $249 last week. It’s SO nice…can’t wait to try it out later today.

I’m not getting anything accomplished at work today…and don’t much care. There’s a catered pig roast YUMMY today at work at 1pm. I hope to be out there for the duration of the day. Depends on how much fun I’m having I guess. Brought my chair and some bug spray. Looks like the sun is trying to peak out…hope so b/c it’ll warm up a bit then.

Sort of a busy weekend ahead. Not much happening tonight. It may be raining this evening…we’ll see. If so, Zackery & I will snuggle up and watch Stuart Little I think. If not, we’ll all be outside, Zackery will play, and DH & I will sit watching him drinking some frosty beverages. Tomorrow we’re going bike riding on Colonial Parkway. Every year the parkway is closed down for a few hours on a specific Saturday, and people ride their bikes on it. Should be fun…it’ll be hard b/c I’m not in shape at all, but DH will be there with me. Zackery will be on the back of my bike. After that, DH has to go into work for a bit to unpack the crate in his office b/c they’re moving today into a brand new corporate building. That shouldn’t take too long. Then we’re headed to a friend’s house for a Derby party (Kentucky Derby). We’re just going for food, drinks, and socializing. Oops, I better figure out something to bring. Damn, I totally forgot. Should’ve brought my new cookbook with me today. Guess I’ll be going out to the store tonight.

Sunday we’re just going to church, and to breakfast. No other plans.

I do expect to have several escapades with DH over the weekend…it has been 2 days now. We’re usually hotter for each other over the weekends too b/c we’re not dragging from the workday! Ooh la la!!!

Nice weekend. Weather was crazy, but ended on a sunny note. However, my mood ended on a yucky note. What else…MONEY! When DH does bills on Sunday nights, you can bet your life that I’ll get in trouble for something money related. Not his fault...100% mine. He's just trying to pay bills. I'm SO not spending money on frivilous **** either (mortgage ,groceries, daycare, necessities - that's it...there's never anything left). I’m so depressed about this. I got so sick over this that I couldn’t sleep last night. Maybe 5 hours…while that’s plenty for others, that’s NOTHING for me. I’m dragging today, and cannot shut my mind off from this lovely subject.

Why am I working? I’m ONLY working so that I can go further into debt. When does this **** end??? I can barely make the daycare payments. I scrape to get the f*ing mortgage each month…this month is NO different. Groceries…yeah right??? What a joke. Fun stuff or necessities – BIG FAT joke!

I just don’t see how my living in this horrid rat race is getting me any further ahead…so I got no sleep, and this problem never goes away!

How do you do it? How do I forget about all the stressors in my life? I don’t want to go through now being unhappy…what the hell is wrong with me? Life’s too short for unhappiness. I just don’t know how to let it all go – how do I let all this stress just go?

My husband and my son are wonderful. I have a supportive extended family. Yet I feel suffocated and alone. I don’t like this at all. I don’t like the way my life is going right now. I don’t have anything good to think about when it comes to work except that I get a paycheck for it. How sad is that. And that paycheck doesn’t go very far. I want to give my son the world, but how can I do that if I have little money to put groceries in the house???

All of my stress and resentment for months now is due to my job, and every few weeks it’s back in my face how little money I have for stuff. There is NOTHING in my life that is fancy…not a f*ing damn thing.

I don’t think I’m depressed…or maybe I am. I don’t know what that’s like. I just know that I’m terribly unhappy right now. It’s hard to put a smile on my face when I’m at this place called work.

I’m losing my way…I want to find it, but don’t know how. I’m lost!

Another day. Yesterday I was very gloomy. We got home and I got dinner started. The good thing about yesterday was that I ate very healthy and banked 5.5 points. That’s how to lose weight on WeightWatchers. If I would just exercise, it would come off so much easier. Zackery wanted dinner, so he and I sat down to eat b/4 Dh came home (it was 6:30 by then). I don’t like to eat without all 3 of us being at the table, but sometimes he has to work later. Then we went upstairs. I was so solemn. Zackery played in the playroom and watched Bob the Builder. I laid on my bed and watched Friends. DH got home. Zackery went to bed around 7:30pm, and I ran a hot bath. I just wanted to soak in a hot bath. I invited DH in, he came with me, but got out to tend to Zackery. Guess he wasn’t wanting to soak with me, and I really wasn’t in the mood for anything else. After my bath, I got a snack and some water. I was in bed by 8:15pm…watched some tv, and got sleepy YAY!!! Lights were out b/4 9pm.

I feel more rested this morning, but my money problems are still there. DH says don’t worry, it’ll all work out. He’s right…he’s always right! But it sucks being broke…using ALL of our money to pay bills or not for lack of $$, yada yada yada.

So far today I’ve had a banana and oatmeal to eat. 4.5 points. I know I’ll behave today too. Have a Lean Cuisine and apple or pear for lunch. Then WW meatloaf, WW mashed potatoes, green beans, salad for dinner. Should be DELICIOUS! The key to WW is low fat.

I told DH yesterday that Mother’s Day was cancelled. I didn’t want him spending any $$ for that. It’s just not in the budget right now. He said, and I quote, “Hell no it isn’t cancelled”. Okay then. He emailed me this morning that we’ll go to Church, out to eat, and we’ll make homemade icecream for a treat that evening. Well that does sound like a great plan to me!!!

10 more days until payday! How sad am I??? I’m such a loser sometimes. Don’t even want to think about work today…I’m starting to come up for air, and that’ll bring me back down. I’m REALLY REALLY REALLY ready to call in sick for 1 to 2 days. It’s likely that will occur later this week (I pray the weather forecast improves). Or maybe I should just do it regardless of the stupid weather! I could REALLY use a 3-4 day weekend…we’ll see how it goes!!!

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

Dragon tales and the “water is wide”
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you…

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels’ wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer’s all tuckered out
Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we’ll find the mouse
And I love you…

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels’ wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears “Amen” wherever you are
And I love you…

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels’ wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Dixie Chicks, 2002

This song says EVERYTHING and more that I feel for my sweet son! Mommy loves you always Zackery!!!

It’s Wednesday…week is almost over! It’s actually sunshining outside…YIPPEE! Tonight is Bunko, and I need an evening out. I’m looking forward to it. That means no cooking for me. We have leftovers from Monday and Tuesday we can eat. So if it’s not raining this evening, then Zackery will be thrilled to know we can play outside.

I’m getting more and more tempted to call in sick tomorrow and Friday. Really I am. I want a break…I want a break from work! I want a day or so to just spend with Zackery too. Those 2 things are enough to make me seriously consider it. Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be nice. Just ease dropped this morning for directions on where to go to pick strawberries. I did this the summer b/4 Zackery was born, and it was fun. Plus the strawberries were awesome. I’m thinking…maybe Zackery & I could take the ferry over there tomorrow (if I call in sick) and pick fresh strawberries. He would have a fantastic time helping me with that. I need to make up my mind!

Not much else is happening today. I did really good on my diet yesterday too. Banked 1 more point. I’m SO hungry right now though. I have a lean cuisine and fruit for lunch – and for dessert, Diet Coke. Pretty exciting huh…I’m sitting here thinking about everything I want to eat…that’s BAD! I’ll have to eat my lunch early so that temptation will go away. DH is going to lunch with some people…I think at Quizno’s. I’m jealous…but wasn’t invited. AND…b/c I’m freaking BROKE, I can’t go. That kinda stinks…whatever!

I’m so terribly sad…and it just stinks! I’m very very very sad!

I played Bunko last night with a new group of ladies in the neighborhood. It was fun, and we laughed a lot. But, 90% of them are SAHM, and it’s completely obvious that they have a great SAH network going. I think it’s fantastic for them, but it makes me SO freaking sad that I cannot SAH with Zackery, and have my family live a less stressful life. It’s not jealousy, it’s not envy…it’s just simple sadness!

What the hell is wrong with me? DH is being really distant…I asked him what was up this morning and he acted like nothing was wrong. With the exception of Monday’s financial realization, I’ve been fine this week. AND, he knows I want to SAH, but I don’t say anything to him about it ever. What good would that do? It’s not fair to him b/c he can’t change our situation. I know he would if he could. I feel lonely and sad!

I’m sitting here at work with tears in my eyes. These women I’m talking about are very friendly, help each other out, do lots of activities during the week, middle class like me, have young children, etc. It just makes me SO sad that I cannot afford to do the same. I abhor working, especially at this job. I abhor the rat race. I abhor rushing dinners during the week. I abhor rushing on the weekends to beat the clock just to start f*cking over on Monday. I abhor it all!!!

I left work yesterday planning to call in sick today…spend the day with Zackery. But I felt too f*cking guilty. Plus didn’t feel right with DH. How much fun would we have then? So I’ve decided that I will call in sick tomorrow…and very likely on Monday.

I keep praying to God to show us an avenue to find a way for me to SAH…without going broke or further into debt! Is He listening????????????????????????

Boy, I want more time away from this place…this place being work! God, it sucks! I’m still jumping through hoops for these assholes. What do these f*ing men want from me...

I played hooky on Friday. I should’ve done it Thursday and today. But then it wouldn’t be enough. I may have to get mysteriously sick later this week…I don’t really care!!! Friday was really nice. Zackery & I didn’t leave the house. We snuggled in my bed and watched Sesame Street when he woke up. Then we mosied around the house, cleaning up, getting dressed, washing some clothes. Finally made our way outside…I wanted to do some yardwork b/4 the weather got bad. So I cut grass and edged. That took 2 hours. By then, it was 1pm, and we both needed a rest. So I showered, and Zackery & I took a nap! We woke up around 3:30pm and went outside. The dark clouds were headed our way, but we stayed outside until we absolutely had to come in. The weather was kinda bad…few miles up the road were tornadoes. Ugh! I wasn’t enjoying that fear! I tried not to get Zackery too upset, but even the dogs were frightened b/c of the wind, thunder and lightening. Never even rained though.

So I got dinner started, and DH came home. We had talked earlier that day about being disconnected all week. He just didn’t give it as much thought as I did…and that’s okay. He just figured I was going through a rough spot. It was all about $$ and work for me last week…and I unfortunately took it out at home. Not very nice or fair of me. I apologized several times, and he was the gracious DH he always is…understanding! My mood was like night and day that day b/c I was at home doing my own thing and not at work. He noticed, and I told him I would honestly try to do better (ie, not let work get to me so much). He knows what I want…I don’t have to say it over and over. We’re just trying to make the best of our situation right now. We all bathed, and I watched “Sex in the City” dvd til I fell asleep that night.

Saturday…the weather was looking bad, but never got bad. I had planned for a week that Zackery & I would go pick strawberries. We decided to go anyway b/c it wasn’t too far away…that way it wouldn’t be so bad if we had to turn around (I knew this was my only chance or I’d have to wait til the following weekend). And we had to take the ferry to get there…something I knew Zackery would LOVE! And he did! He was a great strawberry picker too! We picked 2 baskets full…for $13.00 too. I’m going back this weekend to get 2 more baskets. I have lots of things with strawberries I want to make this summer for special occasions! Road the ferry back home, and Zackery just had a ball! Got home, and DH was gone…had some shopping to do. It was 12:30pm by now…and Zackery was itching to play on the mound of mulch that was delivered while we were gone. Then I sat on the driveway and talked to my mom for an hour while Zackery played. Next we went to my neighbor’s house so he could play with the kids. Stayed there for at least 2 hours. Home around 5pm…WHEW…DH still gone. So I decided to get dinner started, and he came home soon afterward. So he and Zackery started spreading mulch. I ended up out there too. The weather had decided to try and get bad yet again. What’s up with that? Our neighbors were coming over for dessert, drinks and to play a game later. I ran to the store, came home and ate, showered, bathed Zackery, fed him, blah blah blah…all this in 1.5 hours. UGH! I was exhausted…and still had a way to go that night. Got Zackery to bed at 8:30pm; he was falling over. Neighbors came over. I made strawberry shortcake, and fresh strawberry dacquiris. YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY! We played “Battle of the Sexes” (boardgame). It was really fun! Not very easy either…basically it’s men and women’s trivia…questions were 50% easy and 50% hard! Finally finished around 11:30pm. And I had a terrible headache. Only had 2 dacquiris…I guess between that and being so tired, my head decided to split! I went straight to bed. DH soon followed. Guess the aspirin kicked in b/c we were wild in bed that night. And I lay there thinking afterwards that my head wasn’t hurting any more. Aspirin and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD sex…just what the dr. ordered!

Mother’s Day…
We got up and Zackery gave me some Mommy’s Day gifts. They got me some jewely like I like. Then it was time to get ready for church. Off we went. Then we went out to eat a big lunch! Yummy! When we got home, it was apparent that Zackery needed a good nap…so Zackery & DH napped, and I mosied around the house. They got up about an hour later, and went outside. The weather had cooled off b/c some clouds were rolling in. It was very windy, so we flew kites for an hour or so…kept them up there till they came crashing down. It was really fun. Evening was upon us, and I made some homemade ice cream. We sat on the swing for a long time, and when the ice cream was ready, ate it on the swing in the backyard! It was a really nice day, and a great weekend!

Already this week, I’m wishing not to be here…these same three men are nuts! I’m NOT letting them get to me this week…God, PLEASE give me strength!

Crockpot chicken, mashed potatoes, and vegetable (all Weightwatchers style) for dinner tonight…so not too much to worry about cooking! YIPPEE!

Well now…a few days have passed…and things at work have gone south in that time. I opened my mouth…something I NEVER do…I was professional, but shocked the hell out of this so-called officemate I have. I’m SO tired of the 3rd degree. I’m SO tired of being shot down. I’m SO tired of being contradicted. I’m SO tired of reversing the way I DO A GOOD JOB to satisfy the male ego of “I’m always right, and you little female are always wrong”. SO, he came to me at the wrong time yesterday with his usual “questioning the way I do things”. For the record, I do a damn good job, I take pride in my work, I’m very conscientious, and have ONLY exemplary marks for my work over the last 10 years. This my dear is why I CANNOT just let all this go. I want to. I want to just shrug it all off. But when it’s, or should I say them, in my f*ing face ALL the time, it’s kinda hard.

I had a controlled explosion yesterday at work. I left when it was time. I called my Mom and balled the entire way home…50 minute call. I’m so deflated…my head is really hurting…my emotions are fried…I find it very hard to smile when I’m at this place. Put me anywhere but here, and I’m smiling. I’ve got to find a way to get out of this place. I don’t have a choice…sad thing is, I’ve got a lot of support here at work, but the 3 people that I seem to have to answer to (fun, not 1 boss but 3) are no better than the parents across the river who starved their 2 month old to death. Pretty bad huh!

Calling in sick again tomorrow. Just decided. Gonna pick more strawberries with Zackery (and ride the ferry again). And…it’s payday…about the only good thing about this horrid job!

It’s been a while…things at work haven’t changed. But one good thing is that my stupid officemate is out of town this week. Can we all say YIPPEE!!!

We’re leaving tomorrow after work to go home to SC til Sunday evening. It’ll be nice…I just have to find a way to keep things at a slower pace than we usually have b/c we don’t stop. I’ve got to do this!!!

Next weekend we’re going camping. I cannot wait. First time for us as a family. Going down to Hatteras. We have some supplies already, tent, dishes, chairs, lanterns, canteens. I just bought sleeping bags today during lunch. 60% off…WOW. I bought 3 sleeping bags for $30 (2 adult and 1 youth). We’re gonna borrow our neighbors Coleman stove for cooking. Will need to get a few more things, but not too much! I can’t wait! Camping and the beach…heaven!!!!!!!