Well, not going on a trip home was the right thing to do. SO glad we didn’t go!!! We actually had rest and downtime this weekend. Kinda nice if I should say so myself!!!
Friday afternoon, DH & I took ½ day off work. We went to eat pizza at Uno’s and drank some beer. Then we went to the 2pm showing of Matrix Reloaded. It was pretty good…that’s saying a lot from me b/c I’m not a science fiction movie watcher usually. Picked Zackery up, and had a nice quiet evening at home. DH went out and got ice cream sundaes for us again! Yummy!
Weather was yucky Friday and Saturday and Sunday. What is with the rainy cold days around here??? Saturday I didn’t even leave the house. The sun kept coming out, then it’d rain. It was like this all day. We all napped…it was GREAT! Once in a blue moon…it was nice! Woke up, sun was out, so we went outside. I made a pitcher of fresh strawberry dacquiris, and had 2. DH went biking for a couple of hours. I sat outside with Zackery for a while! It was nice. Had sub sandwiches for dinner, and watched 4 episodes I had on tape of ER. Still have to watch the season finale. GREAT sex that night...really great!
Sunday, the weather was terrible. Rained most of the day. Had no choice but to go grocery shopping. So, I mustered up and went to Walmart. $233 later…I was home putting groceries away. Had plans to go to neighbors’ house for a cookout. That was nice. I made a banana cream cheesecake sort-of dessert and brought oh-so-difficult-to-make bbq baked beans. Stayed there til about 8:30pm…Zackery was done for the night. DH & I did manage to have even better sex than the previous night! Damn!!!
Monday the weather was gorgeous. We lounged around for the 3rd straight day. SO nice!!! Finally got dressed and out the door around 11am. I wanted to go to A&N b/c they had Hanes shorts and t-shirts on sale, and I need some “lounge” wear! Went to Target, then to Lowe’s and Walmart. DH wanted a real charcoal grill. So we splurged and got that. Stopped off for ice cream sundaes again! Then to Fresh Market for some good steaks to cook on the charcoal grill! This day Zackery would have no nap, and we paid for it last night. Anyway, got home and did yardwork. DH mowed and trimmed. I finished the last 2 flower beds in the backyard with weeding, trimming, putting mulch down. I was SO tired. Came in around 6:15pm. Zackery & I needed to shower. He needed to eat dinner and I wanted him in bed early b/c he needed it. DH & I ate late, but it was peaceful.
Back at work today. Yippee! I have a consultation with my dr tomorrow. I pray he can help me with this stress and **maybe depression**. We’ll see!
Going camping this weekend, and I’m very excited. Going down to Hatteras. I’m taking Friday off too.
So, I’m doing some lite reading on depression. More and more I think this is a major part of my problem. I’m SO down on myself…I’ve allowed the problems at work to really get deep inside of me. I feel like I’ve lost myself in all this, and I want ME back. So I’m going to see my dr tomorrow. I’m going to have some things written down that I want to discuss. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll have too hard of a time convincing him that I need some kind of help…either medication, or referral to see someone. In all of this, I feel like a total failure.
Here’s the symptoms I’ve read about. Out of 8 symptoms listed, I have, for sure, 5 ½ . Not much else to say!
Symptoms of Depression Typical and common symptoms of major depression include:
Yes - sad, "down" mood Not really - too little or too much sleep Yes - lack of pleasure in daily activities Yes - difficulty thinking and/or concentrating Yes - fatigue and/or loss of energy Yes - feelings of worthlessness and/or guilt Yes, comes and goes - loss of appetite No, not even a thought - thoughts of suicide and/or death
Interesting...at the bbq we went to Sunday evening, the conversation turned to this very topic. I didn’t say a whole lot, but I know all the women that were in the room. All are neighbors. There were 5 of us sitting around talking. 3 out of 5 were on an antidepressant, and it’s helping them a lot. I just asked a few questions. One of the ladies works in the mental health field. I didn’t say anything to DH b/c he doesn’t really agree with using these type of drugs. He knows I’m going to the dr. tomorrow, but unless he asks, I don’t plan on discussing much with him about this. I know what my feelings are, and I also know they are getting out of control.
Add to the above list…very little patience!!! I’m deflated and need some help!
I have a few minutes, so I will. I’ve had a nice break from work. The holiday week was nice b/c I took another day off and went camping at the end of that week. And last week I was out of town on training. So, my “WELCOME BACK” to work today…
Take the project that I’ve worked on for over 6 months…one that the training last week is SO helpful about…and without 2 thoughts give it to the asshole officemate. EXCUSE ME!!! That’s what I said when I read the email first thing this morning. What a bunch of dickheads!!! People today have said, don’t worry, just let him do it then. WTF??? That’s not the point. The point is that it was my project and now the ALMIGHTY dickhead is going to do it. Forget all the work I’ve done on it…It makes me feel like a total failure! ****, how much more???
I’m on an anti-depressant, and can tell it’s helped. Just not here at work. I’ll give it a little more time.
I promptly told my boss why I had a problem with this. And then I let everything out. I told him I HAVE to move out of this office. I have to. At first he said no. WTF??? He eventually came around. He’s all upset b/c said dickhead and I have no repore (sp?)! Yep that’s right, we f*ing don’t. (Technically we should, but I can have a much better repore (sp?) with him by not living with him everyday) Imagine that!
More tomorrow…much much more…DH is out of town til Wednesday. I have a dr. appointment Wednesday too with my dr to see how I’m doing “emotionally”. I really like my dr.
So, Zackery & I are gonna have some alone time, and I’m looking forward to it!
Tuesday. The weather is gorgeous…so unusual. 17 of the last 23 weekends have been wet and chilly. Saw that on the news this am. Same for this weekend is what they are calling for. Rain, rain, go away…the Nelson’s want to go out to play!
DH is out of town til tomorrow night. Zackery is having his 3 yo pictures done tonight at Sears. I PRAY he cooperates…he did great at Christmas. ~crossing everything now~ Don’t know what we’ll have for dinner. Leftovers last night. Maybe I’ll just pick something up tonight.
After yesterday’s day at work, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. So around 9pm, I took something to help me sleep. Dr. Jones said to use it when I needed it. It worked. I only awoke 1 time. I’m just a little groggy this morning though. I’ve only taken this stuff 3 times, and 2 out of the 3 times, I was very groggy the next morning. I just want to curl up and sleep for a couple of hours. It was SO hard getting up this morning. I really wanted to get a big hot cocoa at Starbuck’s this morning, but didn’t have the time. Maybe I’ll get one at lunch when I run out to pick up DH’s refill prescription.
So after returning to work yesterday and learning that my biggest project was passed on to the officemate I despise…I was furious. And rightly so. I’ve spent 6 months on this project. It’s not a small task. It’s actually a book with 6 chapters. I’ve completed 2 chapters with weekly meetings…which is where I get the information from. It’s basically an administrative manual for the Electrical Engineering group. SO, management has to provide the details, and I put it in a nice format. This process has a predecessor, and ALL know how long it takes. So, while working on the book, I’m trying to keep up with the other 80 documents that are on my to-do list. The training I was at last week was for FrameMaker 7.0. That’s what I use to write in. I needed to learn the deep down nuts and bolts of FrameMaker…as it’s SO not intuitive. And that’s what I did. I was very excited about it b/c I learned a ton of new things to make my template better for this book. I was ready yesterday morning to start applying this new knowledge. NOT!!!
So I sent my boss an email yesterday after reading the email from my customer to my boss and officemate (who by the way are VERY tight). I asked him how this came about. He said since officemate wrote the manual for the Operations group, he had the experience. Customer said that too. BTW, customer is who I do my work for, not officemate. He said it would free me up to concentrate on the procedures and troubleshooting guides for my group. (This list is very long – excel spreadsheet with over 80 items on it that need to be written.) SO, okay, I understand now. BUT, the way in which it was done was wrong, I’m made to feel like a complete failure, and on and on. I totally told my boss everything that was going on. He didn’t want to talk about any of it. He asked me about the other position at the Lab I applied for, and I told him it was something I’m interested in. I told him I’m very unhappy in my job right now. The main sources are customer and officemate. It’s them against me. Neither listen to any suggestions I may have…they completely shut me down. I told him they’ve beaten me down, and that’s where my unhappiness at work stems from. He had NO idea about any of this…why? B/c he didn’t want to hear me when I tried talking to him 4 weeks ago. So WTF was I supposed to do? I told him that I HAD to move out of this office. I can still work and keep the same professional practices that I always have had, but I HAD to move out of this office. His first reaction…here it goes…was NO. EXCUSE ME??? Don’t think I heard that…his reason was that we’re supposed to be a team, we’re supposed to have a repore (sp?), we’re supposed to work together using common practices. He doesn’t think that can happen if I move. Not so Mr. Boss Man. FYI, team work goes both f*ing ways, repore goes both f*ing ways, all this **** goes both f*ing ways. I told him all of this, and he just shook his head agreeing. I KNOW that the 3 of them have been talking. Why I gave them all the perfect opportunity last week by not being here. I understand that customer spent much time in my office talking with dickhead officemate. I told my boss I’m tired of walking into my office and them clamming up.
Ya know, I’m not paranoid. By giving this project to officemate, it just reaffirms what’s going on.
The common practices and principles won’t change on either of side. He does work for 1 group, I do work for another group. We both use the same standards for look and feel. NO freaking big deal. I’m not rebelling against the practices. I’m just f*ing tired of these men and it will help me to not have to live with them 8 hours a day. That’s what it boils down to. So he heard this. (At NO time did I mention that I’m seeing a dr. with medication b/c of these assholes…They’ll NEVER know this) So, blah blah blah. I took a walk after this discussion b/c I was so upset. He told me to find a place, and figure out by reading my expectations again (which I did 2 weeks ago when applying for that other position) how my not living with dickhead officemate would work. FINE BY ME! I’ll make it happen. I’ll go sit in the f*ing parking lot if I have to. I told him this too…he didn’t like it much
So, I’m not counting on getting this other job…although it’d be nice. I’m counting on helping myself by finding a niche to sit in 8 hours a day away from dickhead, doing my work in the same professional manner that I’VE ALWAYS done it, do my at home training for medical transcription, and pursue other jobs in that field within the year. Something that will allow me to work from home.
During my lunch break, I turned over all the files to dickhead officemate. Put the hard copies in his chair, and emailed him the path where the e-files can be found. His response was simply “thanks”. Works for me…there was NO way on this earth I was going to discuss this or anything else with him.
I’d have been out of here a LONG time ago if I could afford to just quit. My day is coming…I’m confident of that!
Friday is almost here! YIPPEE! DH got home last night, but it appears he’s swamped at work…and will probably have to work on Saturday too. I think it’s a real bummer, and he does too. Especially over Father’s Day weekend. We’ll enjoy Sunday regardless though!
I went for a checkup with my dr. yesterday. It went well. He was really glad to see me smiling more. He said I have more color back in my skin than 2 weeks ago. I go back in 8 weeks and continue on the medication. I can tell a difference b/c my nerves don’t get fried so quickly these days. I’m sleeping a tad better, but it needs to improve more.
Took ½ the day off yesterday b/c our AC is on the fritz again…and it’s in the 90’s this week. Whew…hot! So Zackery and I went home to wait for the technician. I left at 1pm, and we had a nice afternoon and evening. Yucky part is that it’s gonna take $900 to fix the unit. Bad coil…but he got us cooling in the meantime. And that is a good thing. So after the technician left, we went outside b/c I needed to mow the lawn. Didn’t want DH to have to worry about it b/c he’s way too slammed with work right now. It was hot, and I wasn’t 100%, but managed to get it done. Zackery played in the sprinkler and had a ball. We got in around 5pm, and went straight for the shower. It took me a while to cool off, and I was completely exhausted for the rest of the evening. We ordered pizza, watched tv, and around 7pm went upstairs (DH wasn’t due in until around 10pm). I laid on my bed watching Friends, and Zackery just played up there with me. He’s like a little hermit. Within 1 hour, he had the bed (queen size) covered with matchbox cars, stuffed animals, all his pillows & blankets. Maybe a nomad is a better description. So darn funny! At 8pm, it was bedtime for him. He didn’t want to go, but I needed quiet time.
Here we are today!
Still clueless on what to get DH for Father’s Day. I better figure something out and fast! What will probably end up happening is something from Target, maybe for camping, and maybe a new shirt or something. Father’s Day shopping is my worst shopping occasion b/c I NEVER know what to get him. I stink bigtime at gift giving. My intentions are good, but I’m just not creative. Go figure!!!
My niece is coming to spend the day with us Saturday. She lives 1 hour away, and my ex-SIL is bringing her over b/c ex-SIL is in town for a class that day. Can’t wait to see Erin (niece), but haven’t seen ex-SIL since b/4 she **** all over my brother 2 years ago. Yuck! I hope it’s just not too hard for me. Sad thing is that I cared a lot for her, and sometimes miss the conversations and fun we used to have. But I cannot overlook what she did to my brother and how she ruined their family. Certainly my almost 6 yo niece is paying the biggest price…I just hate that! Regardless, I have a nice day planned for her and Zackery. Just praying it doesn’t rain!
Nothing has changed at work…I know who to talk to in HR if need be. I understand she’s a woman’s woman…and that’s what I need!
Is that a light I see at the end of this tunnel???
The other position at the Lab that I applied for is looking better than I originally thought. I spoke to the HR manager yesterday about where the hiring process stood with that, and she said that interviewing hasn’t started yet. But she does know that my resume and internal application made it to the hiring manager. Around here, HR weeds out all the applications that don’t qualify. Apparently someone wants to take a 2nd look at my qualifications. (The reason I’m surprised about this is that they asked for a Master’s degree in Library Science with experience too. I only have a Bachelor’s degree and that’s in Media Communications with no library experience.) Just knowing this, I feel better.
AND…I just got back from looking at a cubicle space 2 buildings down from where I live right now. Remember how badly I expressed the need to get out of this office with my horrid officemate whom everyone around here sees as Senior and I’m the Junior??? Well after Monday’s conversation with my boss (which I was very upset and adament about), I found the right person to make it happen. After contacting this VERY cool guy this morning b/4 lunch, I have a new home (it happened in less than ½ a day). Which is surprising around here…This very cool guy asked how it would work…I let out the BIGGEST sigh…
My own cubicle…God what an improvement. Hopefully I’ll be outta here within a week or so. Gotta coordinate a bunch of stuff.
You can probably feel the excitement I have. Much easier to work with someone when you don’t have to live with them................................
Crazy few days. The weekend was okay. Spent megabucks to fix out AC at home, but at least we’re cool. DH had to work again on Saturday. The weather was great…hot and sunny! We spent the day in the backyard by Zackery’s little pool. My brother and niece came for a visit. Zackery & Erin had a ball! Sunday it rained, so we were stuck inside all day. Went to church, and out for breakfast. Quiet day. I disappointed DH with Father’s Day, so I’ll do better next year.
This week has been okay. Took off yesterday afternoon b/c I was just having a bad day. Better today though. Today is our 9th wedding anniversary. 9 years ago right now the party had started (i.e., reception). It was a great day. We met for lunch today and had a nice time. Hopefully this evening will be pleasant and quiet. We need that right now.
My parents are coming for a short visit tomorrow. While neither of us is happy about this, at least it’s only for a short visit. They’ll be back for Zackery’s birthday, but after that, not for a while. I really don’t like them trying to visit all the time. Somehow, and it’s a miracle, I’ve managed to keep them from coming since Thanksgiving. That’s truly unusual. Usually they try to get here every 6 weeks or so. It really sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s terrible to say b/c they are really good parents. I just don’t like living with them…and DH hates living with them. UGH…give me strength. My goal is to get through the next few days without having a meltdown. It happens every time, and it’s harmful for DH & I. I cannot let my parents screw up my marriage like that when they visit. Why? Because there’s so much chaos when they come. By the end, DH hates them, and I’m miserable b/c I try to keep everyone happy. NO MORE!!! My brother’s girlfriend is throwing him a surprise birthday party for him Saturday night about 2 hours away. Thank God my parents are going. They need to go up b/4 the party and get out of our hair. We’re not going…I know DH won’t want to after spending 3 days with them…and me neither. My brother understands. Plus, we can’t have Zackery out that late. It’s not worth our driving time b/c we’ll end up spending more time on the road than at a party.
Can ya tell I just don’t like my parents visiting?????????????????
Gosh, when I woke up this morning, I had to really think about what day it was. I couldn’t decide if it was Thursday or Friday. It’s like my brain had cobwebs that took a couple of minutes to clear up. Even though it’s Thursday, I was happy to realize that Friday was so close.
Yesterday was a nice day! Didn’t watch our wedding video like I’d hoped. Did other stuff instead. After Zackery & I got home, we went right outside b/c the lawn needed to be mowed. It’d been 7 days, and I knew it’d be hard to cut. Couldn’t wait too much longer. So I decided to do it and then too DH wouldn’t have to worry about it this weekend. He can just do the trimming. He was glad to see I was almost finished when he got home, and he thanked me.
So we went inside about 7pm, and showered. Zackery went to be by 8pm b/c he didn’t have a nap yesterday. DH & I made icecream sundaes, and started watching his new Star Wars: Episode II dvd I bought him. We only made it about 30 minutes b/c we were both tired. So up to bed we went.
My parents are driving up today. I’m not as worked up about it as I was yesterday. Hopefully that’ll remain the norm for me. I told everyone we’d go to Burger King for dinner. I do NOT want to cook. So Zackery can play in the play ground there, and we can eat and visit. Surprisingly didn’t get any negative responses. My Dad hates spending $$ eating out…but tough patooties! I’m NOT cooking.
Tomorrow night after work DH & I are going on a date. We’re going to the Outback (haven’t been there in ages), and then to a movie. I’m looking forward to it.
I’ve gotta write a detailed email to my boss and officemate about my move. Must do that today…although I don’t want to. UGH!
So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. About work I mean…
After gathering all the facts and proposals my boss wanted to prove that my moving to another office would not affect the quality of product I produce, I sent him and my horrid officemate the email yesterday as I walked out the door. The not surprising part is that I’m 99.9% sure my boss and horrid officemate have talked and boss most likely told horrid officemate everything I told him. Because…officemate is NOT surprised my by email. Otherwise, it would’ve come as a shock to him and he would have something to say by now. Since he and everyone around here, including my stupid boss, view him as the senior and I’m his junior, I had to include him in this communication as instructed by my boss. Whatever right…I’m planning on moving next week!!! DH told me to send them the email late yesterday that way there was only 1 day left in the week for any discussions, and then I could get away from them for the weekend. So that’s what I did. Now I just have to get our secretary to arrange a couple things, and I’m outta here!!!
My parents came up yesterday. It’s not as bad as I dreaded it to be. I got home and put the groceries away. Then we went to Burger King, Zackery played in the playland, and we ate. DH stayed home and went bike riding. We got home, bathed Zackery, and to bed for him by 8:30 or so. I showered and spent time with DH. I think we’re connecting again…we’ve had a weird couple of weeks. Zackery however decided, highly unusual, to stir all night. I ended up sleeping with him. It was the ONLY way I was gonna get any sleep. Albeit 6 hours…I’m hurting today! He never does this. It wasn’t a bad dream restlessness either. He only does this when he’s getting sick. Couldn’t find anything wrong with him though…but after 1.5 hours of crying and not sleeping, I gave him some Tylenol. He seemed to sleep after that kicked in, so something must’ve been hurting. What I don’t know. No fever. Maybe his ears…he was a bit congested last evening which he hasn’t been in a loooooooooong time. So I’m not sure what’s going on.
He’s staying home with my parents to have fun day with them today. I know they’ll have a good time. I hope the rain stays away though…it’s rained everyday this week.
DH & I are going on a date tonight. Out to eat at Outback Steakhouse…which we LOVE and haven’t been to in a very long time. Then to a movie…The Italian Job. If we have to go to the later one b/c of the restaurant wait, then we’ll go to the mall in between. Should be fun.
No plans for this weekend. My parents are going to my brother’s tomorrow through the rest of the weekend. DH said he may have to work a little at the office tomorrow…let’s hope not. This’ll be the 3rd weekend in row. I hope not!
Hmm…these were the thoughts running through my head last evening. I got my rear chewed up and spit out by my **oh so lovely NOT** boss yesterday saying I was being presumptuous to be moving. HELLO…WTF are you talking about. He approved this 2 weeks ago. I do believe what he thought would happen is that I’d change my mind…NOT! I was SO upset yesterday. I didn’t have any makeup left on my face by the end of the day. I scheduled an appointment for today with the head HR lady here at work. Enough is enough. My good friend here at the lab says this woman is on every woman’s side here at the lab. That’s what I NEED!
What would it be like for you to have your voice not heard? No suggestions heard? No room for your own ideas? The only outlet for help tunes you out and you’re left to only wonder what you’re supposed to do next? No one around to appreciate the fact that you just want physical space – simply to breathe – not to change any processes – just to breathe? To be viewed as though you’ve “failed the process”? To be told that you’ve “failed the process”? To have explained how a simple physical separation isn’t appropriate when the one asking for the separation is told that you’ve “failed the process”? To have worked on something for over 6 months, only to have another rewrite it in a meeting making you look incompetent, to leave for training for a week to better oneself coming back with better ideas and much gained knowledge for this project and future projects, to come back to having that project you took pride in doing a good job at simply handed over to your peer? For all this to be done without consulting you in the least regard? Your role as the Junior is forever impressed upon your peer and your customer now because you’re just not qualified – if that hasn't already happened before now? To know how very hard you’ve worked in your career simply to be treated as if none of your experience matters? What skills do you have – not the skills to write an administrative manual? To be spoken to as if you’re completely wrong? To be spoken to in a manner in which it is inferred that “you need to stop talking now – you’re not stopping yet” – aka shut up please? To have gone peacefully and quietly and professionally along for 2 years 9 months at the Lab with exemplary marks, voiced your opinion about something – wrong again – one time? One time in 2 years, 9 months? These are the repercussions…
Exactly what “teamwork” has existed before this point? Minimal because you’ve simply kept quiet and done you job the way in which you’ve been told – told for 2 years, 9 months. That kind of “teamwork” doesn’t change with a physical relocation. The process is still in tact. Documents will be reviewed as expected. That won’t change. The formats and templates and database entries and release process won’t change with a physical relocation. What will change is a happier employee will be reborn, an employee who is not smothered day after day by others’ thoughts and suggestions, an employee who can think for herself, an employee who regains the confidence lost in the smothering thoughts and suggestions, an employee who can again be 100% productive.
The process doesn’t change. The employee does. Personal re-development and career development stand to gain much…simply with a physical relocation.