Thread: MY Wide Open Spaces...

I’ve missed my journal.

I don’t like the person that I am. I don’t like having zero patience, especially with Zackery. I used to be a very patient person. I used to let others walk all over me. I want more patience, but not the walking over. Zackery pushes me to the limit more days than not. I’ve become this terrible person, lashing out when it’s not necessary.

This year has been a tough one for me. It started out okay, I was losing weight successfully on WeightWatchers, I was focused, and my connection with DH was incredible. That connection is VERY important to us. Then I got lazy. I slacked off with WeightWatchers, and struggled to keep off the weight I had lost. Then it was April!

During the month of April, things came to a head at work. My months upon months of unhappiness at work was rearing its evil face. I struggled, still keeping my mouth shut, and harming ONLY me! May was worse. It was taking a toll on my physically and emotionally. It was taking a toll on my family. Patience…just wasn’t there. I spoke to my boss at work (part of the problem, but didn’t let him think that), and got ZERO support. This essentially was the point where everything went into the toilet. I went to see my family doctor. I was depressed. Suffering from depression, anxiety, and insomnia. With his help, I improved. I got what I needed at work by moving out of that office to another location. That helped. The medicine has helped me gain confidence again that I had lost (or should I say was stripped away from me by these idiots at work).

The summer was busy and nice at the same time. I didn’t diet like I should have. The medicine has helped my psychologically, but I have gained SO much weight being on this medicine. I’m weighing 5 pounds shy of my pregnancy weight. I need the medicine, but I don’t need the weight.

To the present. My lack of patience with Zackery’s shenanigans has reached at heightened state again. He tests me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This 3 yo stuff sucks! I continually am apologizing to DH for the way I act (lack of patience, lashing out). I do this more often than not…and I’m tired of it. Just exhausted by it! And bless his heart, DH still stands by me and offers his undying love and support.

I’m at a low point. Back on Weightwatchers, trying to find more patience with Zackery, searching for the ME that has been lost for some time now, searching for the happy-go-lucky, fun-loving me that has always been there just smothered…et. al.

I just want to be ME again…that’s all! I’ve really got to start praying about this. At this point, I believe that only God knows what is best!

Called in sick yesterday. Decided to take the day off and spend it with my little man. Especially when the insurance adjuster called Tuesday and said he’d be at our house around 1:00pm on Wed. Didn’t need much convincing after that!

DH called around 7am yesterday and said the car broke down. So I got up, scooped Zackery up and went to get him. Got everything taken care of and back home by 8:30am. Crawled back in bed and Zackery joined me of course. He gladly snuggled and watched PBS. How lazy am I? We didn’t get out of bed until 11:00AM!!! OMG…it was wonderful.

Got up, ate, got dressed, got stuff ready for insurance adjuster, and just plain hung out. Zackery played in the back yard and in the house. I cleaned up. After the adjuster left, we went to the dry cleaners, gourmet market, and the park. Got home, fixed dinner, watched tv, Zackery played outside some more, DH got home, ate dinner, showered & bathed, crawled back in bed and played with Zackery til bedtime. WONDERFUL day!

Back at work today…oh well!

Got grade back on my first test…90% (A). I’ll take it. Sent my 2nd test in Monday. Hopefully I’ll do at least that good. Gotta start on Lesson 3 today. Cardiovascular, Lymphatic & Immune Systems. Getting harder!

TGIF! Yippee! It’s drizzling and cloudy outside, but really it suits me fine. It’s supposed to be this way this weekend too…and that suits me fine as well. That way I can do the stuff I want/need to around the house and won’t be pressured by midget man to be outside all day.

I want to finally paint the downstairs bathroom. It won’t take very long at all, and I already have the paint. I bought a heart wreath today on clearance (it’s plain) and I have a bow I made last week that I think will go perfectly with the new paint that I’ll put on the wreath. Just need to get a new bathroom rug and some new hand towels, and it’ll be finished. Yippee!

I also need to go through my summer/winter clothes and get rid of things I just don’t wear. This is a semi-annual event for me.

I got so much done last weekend, and I was exhausted. But it was worth it. FINALLY Zackery’s room is finished. Finally. We hung the pictures I finally had the money to frame, and I completely organized his dresser and closet. Made room for his fall/winter stuff that I’ve been buying (I’ve kinda done that shopping in spurts as opposed to how I shopped for him other seasons). So that felt very good. Only thing left is to buy him a new bookcase and possibly dresser at Ikea this month. We’ll probably get a matching set b/c our hope is that I’ll be pg next year sometime and will need the baby dresser. But his room looks very good! I’ll take some pix this weekend and post them.

I also need to go through and organize my craft stuff. Cake decorating stuff, silk flower stuff, bows and bow making stuff, candles in the living room coffee table. That’s another task.

In our house, we have to be organized. Otherwise it drives us crazy. And I’m in the “get rid of it if not needed” mode. So look out!

Picked up my reserved copy of Lion King yesterday at ToysRUs. I’ve been waiting 10 looooong years for that movie to come out on video again. We watched it last night. Zackery really liked it. There was a deal to get that and any other Disney movie for only $5.00. So I got “A Bug’s Life”. I’ve seen it once and it’s terribly cute! I knew that wouldn’t have any spooky scenes in it too. So I’m sure we’ll be watching Lion King again and A Bug’s Life this weekend!

Football is Sunday at our neighbor’s house. Both the DHs teams are playing each other. Pittsburgh and Denver. Should be fun. We’re gonna cook out too!

Going to the mountains next weekend to stay in a mountain cabin with our camping friends. I cannot wait! It’s gonna be SO fun. We’re gonna tour the Luray Caverns on Friday b/4 check in time. Grill hotdogs and eat my homemade chilli for dinner that night. Saturday we’re going to Natural Bridge and maybe horseback riding. Saturday night we’ll go out to eat. Both nights will be campfire activities as well as some FUN drinking games. My contribution will be Drunk Uno! The kids will have fun too. Hailey is 6 months younger than Zackery and they play great together! Can’t wait.

Dinner out tonight with our neighbors. God I pray Zackery behaves. I haven’t been out to eat in FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, Monday! The weekends just go by WAY too fast! I worked around the house all weekend long. The only thing I wanted to get done that I didn’t was putting out my Fall/Winter clothes. Guess I’ll do that tonight along with folding the week’s laundry.

Saturday I got the downstairs bathroom painted and fixed up pretty night. I’m real excited about it. Every little bit makes a difference in the house. I was exhausted after that. So around 4pm I showered and put my pj’s on. I got funny looks from DH & Zackery. Oh well. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere…got dinner cooked and relaxed the rest of the evening. Had some good sex too!

Sunday was another busy day. DH said go grocery shopping (to finally replenish what was lost during hurricane Isabel). I had unlimited funds. So I had to sit and plan my grocery list b/4 heading out to Walmart. I got home 3 hours, $545, and 2 full grocery carts later. WOW! So putting away the groceries commenced. The meat was gonna take so long. But DH went out and bought something he’s been wanting for a long time now…one of those vacuum sealer machines for food. It works GREAT!!! By this time it was 3:30pm. We were supposed to go to our neighbor’s for football at 4:00pm. So another shower, and we all got cleaned up and dressed. Went over there, drank some beer, ate some wings and Zackery & I were back home at 7pm. Bathed him and to bed for him (no nap yesterday). I took another shower…my body temperature was way out of wack yesterday b/c I couldn’t cool off for anything. Watched tv, read People magazine, had GREAT sex twice with DH , and couldn’t fall asleep by 10pm. I tossed and turned all night long. I hate nights like that!!!

Here’s hoping today is a good day!

OMG…can’t believe what I did during lunch today. DH has mentioned in the past how he would love for me to do it…how he thought it was hot! I kept telling myself “don’t do it until you lose weight woman”. Well if I wait for that time, it’ll take forever. Besides it’s already be 1 year since he & I talked about it. WeightWatchers is working, but slowly!

I got my naval PIERCED!!! It hurt like HELL, but worth it. Kinda sore. But I’ve already cleaned it once, and it didn’t really hurt. That’s what I was afraid of! DH is SHOCKED!!! But he loves it!!!

Last night was pretty quiet. Mainly b/c my naval was hurting so bad. Made dinner, cleaned up, bathed Zackery, and showered. Cleaned the piercing…that’s when it really started hurting. I was beating myself up for doing this to myself. But I was able to sleep fine, and today it feels MUCH better. So I’ve got on my new boots, my new Old Navy pants, and my belly button ring. I feel funky!!! It’s a nice feeling. My nails are even done and so is my hair. Still fat, but losing weight is not a miracle. It’s hard work.

I did manage to get all the laundry folded and put away. That’s a challenge each week. Tonight I’d really like to clean the den carpet. We’ll see how it goes. My dinner’s in the crock pot. WW Chicken Caccitore. It should be good.

Supposed to get rain today. It’s really cloudy out; what a great day to be at home lounging around. Oh well!

Only a 4 day week this week. Going to the mountains with our friends to stay in a cabin this weekend. It’s gonna be SO fun!

Well, I was basically non-productive last evening. Got home, cleaned up around the house, got the table set for dinner, and watched the news while Zackery played and I waited for DH to get home from work.

2 chores that I really need to get done didn’t: 1) shampooing den carpet, and 2) putting/organizing my winter clothes in my closet. Maybe tonight??? We’ll see.

The grass needs to be cut too. I believe it’s been 2.5 weeks. It finally slowed down and this should be the last cut. Maybe, I say maybe, I’ll cut the front and sides tonight. The other 2 chores are ones I don’t want to do, and will likely be put off even longer. Ugh! If I wasn’t at work all day long, I’d have everything done today! All of it.

The good thing about today is that my cleaning lady is scheduled today! Yippee!!!

Having a la carte for dinner…didn’t cook anything for today.

Belly button is still very sore…I sure wish it would feel better. That will likely dictate whether I cut grass tonight or not.

I’m not being productive at all at work the last couple of weeks. I’m just faking my way through the day. I really need to study lesson 3…I didn’t get any studying done last week, and it’s already Wednesday and haven’t studied yet this week. Gotta get in gear. What I need is about 3 hours a day. Not at night b/c I’m too tired…but during the day when I don’t want to work (which is daily). I study best around lunch time.

C’est la vie!

Well, belly button got a lot worse. I went back to the piercer today. He helped me A LOT. Got a new regimen of keeping it clean and it’s starting to feel better already. I was hurting all day yesterday, and since I saw him this morning, it’s a big difference over yesterday.

Gotta go home and pack for our mountain trip tomorrow. We’re going to Shenandoah for the weekend and staying in a river cabin. It’s gonna be SO much fun. The other “camping family” is going with us. The kids will have a blast!!! The weather’s supposed to be great too. Some showers tomorrow, but we’re going to drive the Skyline Drive and go down into the Luray Caverns…so no biggie there. Saturday & Sunday are supposed to be really nice…highs in 50s, lows in 30s, and lots of sunshine!

Glad to be away from work too!