I am having a tough time right now , things are not going well with this pregnancy and I am stressing out. I went to the Dr on the 27th and he said that the spotting was ok b/c my cervix was a bit thin. Well, just b/c I have 3 kids does not mean you don't have to tell me everythig that I should know, I do not know everything about being pregnant and since i never spotted before maybe you should tell me what I can't do? I did not know that I should not have sex and I did and 5 days later I start to bleed. Like a light period and I am freaking. This started yesterday and so i called the dr who said to go to the office today for an ultrasound. I went and saw one of the other drs in the practice (the one I had when I was preganant w/ Laura) and he did an internal exam and said my cervix is closed so that is a good sign, he then said he wanted to to an ultrasound and if they could not see a heartbeat then I needed to have bloodwork done. They could not see one, but that is not uncommon so early but I am only measuring @ 5w 5d and I should be 8w 3d, so I had to go and have bloodwork done to check my hormone count and I have to go back on Friday and have it done again and then go back and see the dr friday afternoon. I am so scared right now. I already love this baby so much and don't want to loose it. Is this a punishment for the abortion I had when I was 16? I did not want to get one, my mom kinda made me, I was 16 and scared and I did not think I had any other choice. I have been crying all day and trying to calm down, the stress wont do me any good I know but how can I not stress? And what makes it worse is that I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. My mom is not that kind of mom and I really do not have any friends that have been thru this kid of thing. I wish I had someone who had been thru it and everything turned out ok, just to reassure me but then again I do not want to have false hope either.
I am doing better today, still struggling but my cousin's wife was a huge help to me. Friday at work I started bleeding very heavily and was passing very large clots. I knew what was happening but was to scared to admit it. I left work and went home to change (had no choice) and called the dr. They told me to go to the emergency room and after about 4 hours of exams and ultrasounds they told me I was having a miscarraige. I was told I could either go home and the dr put it "pass it at home" or stay and have a D&S. I chose to stay. I could not go home and just wait for the end to come. I had the surgery that night and stayed there overnight. I was told I could go home as soon as I felt ready but Steve told me to stay the night, take a sleeping pill and try to relax. He was right, I never would have slept at home. Laura was up all that night with a fever and throwing up, I never would have slept.
I know in my head that this was not my fault but my heart has not made it there yet. I blame myself a little, maybe I should have quit smoking before I go pregnant not after, I put too much stress on myself, I had a small fall down the stairs (just missed the bottom step and fell on my leg) I should have been more careful, the list goes on and on. Steve has been wonderful to me, I know he is hurting too, but he is being so good about taking care of me. His birthday was yesterday and that made me feel so guilty, he was so excited and happy about the baby, nice present I gave him.
I know it will get better in time and that all my friends are there for me, it just hurts really bad right now.
Steve and I talked about it and we decided that we are not going to try for another but not not going to try either. What ever happens will happen. I do want to get pregnant again but I am afraid that this will happen again and I do not know if I could go thru it again. But do I want to let my fear stop me from having another child?
If I have to hear one more time that I should be happy that I already have 3 wonderful kids I am going to scream! I know I am blessed to have my wonderful healthy children and do not want to seem ungrateful. But does that fact mean that this baby had no value to me and that it is no big deal? NO! It does not make that baby any less special and loved by me.
Well, enough of the pity Kelly party, I need to get the kiddos to bed and get my stuff ready for work tomorrow.
I am feeling better and want to thank everyone for thier kind words!
Tomorrow will be a nice day, my mom and I are going to the spa for full body massages and then we are going shopping. I need a girls day!
OMG, so much is happening!
First S told me that within the next two year he is going to be activated! He is tryign to switch reserve units right now because he does not like the one hie is in and if he does switch, the new unit id getting activated in May or June of next year to be on a ship in the MIddle east guiding and inspecting boats and if he does not switch then w/i the nexts 2 years he will going to do customs in Kwuait. Great! I know he really is supporting the war and has a strong beleif in it, as well as i do, but goign away for a whole year? How am I going to be able to handle that?
So being the myspace stalker I am I have been checking the stepmonsters site every once in awhile. Well, today I noticed that she had taken all mention of her marriage to the sperm donor out and refers to him her kids father and has changed her status to single. I don't want to assume but I think they are getting a divorce! Plus their house is in foreclosure. Trent did not say anything to me about it but he may not have been told anything yet either.
I feel bad being excited about this, but a part of me is happy. She is the big problem that gary and I have, she tries to control everything and won;t even let gary really talk to me about stuff, she just takes over and to have that gone from my life would be such a removal of stress.