The next chapter: After Joseph

57 posts / 0 new
Last post
CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908
The next chapter: After Joseph

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I moved my other journal to be private because there wasn't anything really happening anymore. But also because I couldn't bear to come on preg.org and have it there reminding me what I had lost. Losing Joseph has been the hardest experience I have ever gone through.

But I know there is life after Joseph. I know that that's not the the final chapter. I just don't know what it will look like yet.

We're going to TTC as soon as AF returns for me. It's been nearly 5 months since Joseph was stillborn. After he was born, my milk came in, and DS1 became a milk-a-holic again. So my body thinks it's nursing a young baby, and AF has not come back. With DS1, it took over a year to get AF back, so I'm not surprised at this at all. It's just hard to wait. I'm 36 already and we need to think about my age.

Jamie Little had her NT today and that got me thinking about how nervous I will be when I get pregnant. Not because I'll be worried about miscarriage (the typical worry for preggos) but because I'll be worried about everything I do that could cause the same problem as Joseph. We never figured out what was wrong with him. We're waiting on one more genetic test to see if it was Noonan Syndrome. But it really looks like we'll never know. I know that until I see the baby on the ultrasound, and the nuchal test comes back normal, I'll be a basket case.

It's hard knowing that it could have been something I did that caused Joseph to be so sick. I was on a medication that is now maybe possibly a cause of birth defects. It's a long shot, but I've gone off it now, just in case. I kind of resent DH for this, as he doesn't have to give up anything or do anything different for a pregnancy.

Things are a little strained in our house. We're both trying to work through our grief. I'm trying to recover from pregnancy. I'm trying to worry about getting pregnant again. We feel like we're under a time crunch, because of my age and the fact we want 2 or 3 more kids.

It's also stressful at work. I really don't care about work except that it gives me a paycheck. We're going through a reorganization, so I could lose my job. They've been stringing us along since November. We're all really sick of it. We just want to know what is going on. It would suck to try to get a new job, and possibly have to go through maternity leave at a new place. I realize I had it good at my current job with leave. With a new job, I may only get a short time off, and it may not be paid at all!

All these worries, they just fill my head. They consume me.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

As time goes on, I run into people that didn't know what happened with us and I have to tell the story again. I don't try to bring it up, but it's amazing how many people ask when we're going to have another baby, not knowing we lost Joseph. People then feel bad for bringing it up, but how could they know? I still get teary when I tell the story. I'm waiting for the day when I can say "we lost a baby" without crying. Even as I type, I'm getting that way.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Friday, June 1, 2007

Wow, June already. It's summer. It's warm. I feel like I'm still in October, mentally. The seasons, Thanksgiving, Christmas just passed me by.

I'm drawn to other stories of families who had a terminal pregnancy, but made the other choice. I often wonder how things would be different, if we had been able to "get on" with our lives in September instead of January?

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

I think I O's last week, so now I'm in the 2 week wait. I think I'm ready to be pregnant again, but I'm not sure. It's kind of like trying to decide to have a baby in the first place -- are you every really ready?

My stepsister passed away on Monday. She was 47 and had been battling breast cancer for the last few years. It had spread through her whole body. My sister and I are going to her funeral on Saturday. My other sister is not going. She says because she's never met Wendy, and she has other plans for the day (a graduation party for one of her high school students :roll: ). Really she just refuses to go to funerals. She didn't go to my grandma's either. I believe that funerals are not for the dead, but for the living -- to support them in their loss. After having lost a child myself -- it meant a lot that people came to his memorial. I was a little bit ticked my Dad did not come. It's like he didn't really think Joseph had lived, so what was the point of a funeral. Maybe he's really like my sister and doesn't like funerals. At least that's the story I tell myself.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Friday, June 8th, 2007

Today is 5 months since we lost Joseph. :giveflower: Wouldn't you know it that today the geneticist called? We had one outstanding test to try to figure out what Joseph had. She called to say that they didn't have enough material to do the last test. I'm disappointed but not surprised. We only had a 5% chance that this was it anyways. I just wish the timing of the phone call had been better.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Wednesday, June 13, 2007.

No good news on the POAS front yet. I'm trying to tell myself that it's just too early yet. (12 dpo). With my previous pregnancy, I got a BPF on 11 dpo. Hopefully I just have my dates off and and have to be more patient.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Friday, June 15th, 2007

Well, the fat lady sang today. AF arrived. I was very hopeful that we'd get pregnant the first time I ovulated. No such luck. 369 days since my last AF, 158 days since giving birth to Joseph.

Even though I'm disappointed, I want to give myself kudos for recognizing that I ovulated, just using fertility signs after all this time. I'd rather be pregnant, but ovulating is a step in the right direction. I'm moving forward from the tragedy of Joseph.

Of course, as every TTC woman does (or at least most), I went to the pregnancy dates calculator to see what my next possible due date would be, given that AF started today. March 21st, 2008. Now isn't that a kick in the pants - that was Joseph's due date.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Monday, July 2, 2007

It must be slow around here -- I was gone for over a week and I didn't drop to page 2.

We spent a week with my parents. They are divorced, so that means 3 days with one set, 4 days with the other. I was happy to see my family, but traveling with a toddler is not that much fun. He didn't sleep well, which means I didn't sleep well. He also got sick while we were there, so that coupled with lack of sleep made him a clingly little boy. It was so bad, that even when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he had to come with me.

So now I'm back at work. I wish I could be the SAHP, instead of DH. It will never work that way because DH is just not motivated enough to work hard at a job, therefore we could never live on just his salary. It makes me sad. I'm happy that DS is not in daycare, so I'm not complaining about DH staying home, I just wish I could have a chance too.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

July 5th, 2007

Nothing to report on the pregnancy front -- still waiting to try this month. At this rate, we'll miss March entirely. That may be a good thing. But I'm just tired of waiting. I have told myself that on Monday (July 9th) I start dieting and exercising. I think 6 months is enough time to wallow in misery. No more, I need to get on with the rest of my life. I told myself that I have to lose 5 lbs before I can POAS. Wish me luck!

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

July 8th, 2007

Today is six months since Joseph's birth. It's a hard milestone, but made easier by the fact that we are actively TTCing. DH and I have thought if we have a girl, her middle name would be Josephine. I know my family might think that is odd, naming a sister after her brother, but we know that we wouldn't be trying for another baby this soon (if at all) if we hadn't have lost Joseph.

Today when we were in Target, there was a family with a disabled child, not very loud, but loud enough in the snack area that people were noticing. I feel guilty when I see a family dealing with that and I feel relief that we didn't have to go through that with Joseph. It's a hard situation either way.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

July 12, 2007

I can count on my two hands the number of times Will has slept through the night, and he's 2 3/4 years old. That's 1009 days old. It's a long time to go sleep deprived.

On top of that, he won't go to sleep without one of us laying with him. Which wouldn't be so bad, but he takes 1 1/2 - 2 hours to fall asleep. Which means on the nights it is my turn to put him to bed, I get no "me" time. It makes me crazy. We're not willing to CIO with him, so we're out of ideas. I can tell you that the next baby will be sleep trained alot differently. I get ticked at my husband about this. HE gets to go to the gym every day, for a minimum of 1 1/2 hours. (I work from home, so while DS is sleeping, DH goes to the gym). What about my time?

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

July 23, 2007

So no March baby here. In fact, due to my cycle length, I've missed April too and our first chance is now for a May baby.

May's a good month, it just in May of 2008 I should be thinking about trying for a 3rd baby, not just having my 2nd.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Today was my annual appt for a PAP (Oh joy) at the OB/Gyn office, not a general practice doctor.

The nurse weighs me, measures my height, takes blood pressure, etc etc.

Then I answer all of the normal questions, regarding my health, eating, sleeping, family history, etc. She asks me if I am still breastfeeding, I say yes. (I noticed this was an odd question, because they haven't asked me this for at least 1 1/2 years. I just figured she had read in my file that I am nursing a toddler and wanted to see if I still was.) More questions, blah blah blah. The she says "just the two kids at home"? (I just have one, and the stillbirth). I say, "no, 1 kid". An then she looks at my chart and says "oh, right"

AGGGHHHH. How hard is it to read the flipping chart???? It's right there. This happened the last time I was there too (for my 6 week PP with my stillbirth). I told the midwife, and I filled it out on my customer satisfaction survey. They really need to mark some charts in red -- so they know the actually have to read them. My doctor (general practice doctor) did the same flipping thing, 1 week after the stillbirth. "Are you currently pregnant?" she asked me. Moron. I have not and will not go back to her.

It was very hard to go back to the midwife's office. If I didn't like my midwife so much, I would switch practices.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

8/2/2007

We live in Minneapolis. The bridge that collapsed was 3 miles from our home. DH and DS were traveling on that highway one exit away when it happened. My sister called DH on the phone to tell him to exit I-35W, due to the collapse so he was able to exit before he got delayed from the accident. DH and DH continued on the next bridge over and passed by the wreckage even before there were any rescue people there. From the other bridge he could see what looked to be smoke.

It's scary to think how close they came to being there. If they had left just a few minutes earlier, they would have been there. I can't imagine it. It makes me want to never have them leave the house without me. If DH and DS go, I want to go too.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

August 8, 2007

It surprised me today when I looked at my ticker. It's been 7 months. I really thought I would be pregnant by now.

We went to our block's National Night Out party last night. It was hard to see all the moms with multiple kids, and one woman who told us she was pregnant last year with her teeny tiny baby. I told DH that I was glad I didn't go to playgroup or the park as much as he did with DS -- it's a lot harder to see pregnant woman than I thought.

DS starts preschool next month. He's so not a baby anymore. He's so funny, and smart, (but then every parent says that). Right now I can hear him upstairs singing "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I work all day and sleep all night", from Monty Python. He mangles the words, but it's so funny! "I go to lavery-tree" he sings at the top of his lungs. He doesn't know what a lavatory is, so of course a lumberjack song should have "tree" in it. He calls it the logger song.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Monday, August 13th, 2007

Gosh, summer is just flying by! We're making plans to go camping the weekend before Labor Day -- it's amazing how close that is.

We've had a breakthrough in DS's sleeping habits. Instead of lying down with him until he goes to sleep, one night I said that I was going to leave, and he was going to go to bed by himself. He got all upset until I said that I would check on him in 5 minutes. Then he was all okay with it. Now bedtime is a breeeeeeeze. It's awesome. He still is not in bed before 9:30, but that doesn't bother me a bit. As the daylight gets shorter, he'll get to bed earlier. We're all sleeping in until 7:30, so it wouldn't be bad if he woke up earlier. Getting up at 7:30 makes it kind of hectic to get to work on time.

Will starts preschool in 3 weeks. We weren't sure if we were going to send him this year, since he's a late birthday, and misses the cut off for school. He'll end up with 3 years of preschool, unless we decide to try to get him in early. Either way, it doesn't matter. He really needs school now for separation purposes. He is not good without either Mom or Dad. Hopefully preschool will be fun and he won't even notice we aren't there.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

8/17/2007

I just found a new way to upload my videos. I'm testing this here. It may or may not work. I also can't figure out how to turn it, but at least it can be seen!

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

August 23, 2007

Let's see -- Will is still not sleeping very well at night, but he goes to bed super quick, so it's going okay. Mike and I actually get to hang out alone at night before we go to bed.

We're going to the state fair tomorrow. It's not really our favorite place, but they have great exhibits on farm animals, even a baby animal exhibit (you can see them being born). We think Will will really like it. I'm taking a half day off from work, so it shouldn't be too crowded. We've had rain for the last 10 days, and it is suppose to stop tomorrow, so us and half the city may show up, but it can't be a crazy as going on a weekend day.

When the board switched over, I hated it. Now I have to say it's pretty good. It took me a couple of days, but they are so much faster, it's worth the learning curve. It helped a lot when I was able to change all my favorites.

My knitting is going well -- I've finished two sweaters for babies coming up this fall, and I have one to go. Hopefully the next baby I knit for will be my own!

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Friday, August 24 2007

I'm pregnant! Yahoo

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Tuesday, August 28th 2007

My company had a meeting yesterday. Our location will close in the next 18-24 months. We can choose to post for a job in another location (300-1000 mi away from my current location) and move, or we can lose our jobs. Sad We can stay until they close the location, so for at least 18 months.

Not exactly the best time to be looking for a job, with a new baby on the way, and I have great maternity benefits at my current job. So tons of my coworkers will be looking for new jobs and leaving the company, I will be here for at least 8 months, plus maternity leave. I'm planning on looking for a job while I'm on maternity leave. Nothing else to do. I work from home now, and I'll not find such a good arrangement again. I can only hope I can still work from home just report to a different location, but I'm not holding my breath.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Tuesday, September 4th 2007

Still pregnant! It still hasn't sunk in yet. I wasn't sick until 6 weeks with Will and Joseph, so I'm still waiting for the m/s to kick in. With both pregnancies, I struggled to eat during pregnancy and then gain a ton of weight AFTER I deliver. I'm still 50 lbs up (YES FIFTY) from Joseph's birth. But I reserve the right to still have baby weight, it was 7 months ago and a very difficult situation, so eating was my coping mechanism. I'm sad though that I'll be ashamed of my belly, and not want to take pictures. After the huge fluid issues I had with Joseph, my stomach is a mess. Tons and tons of stretch marks. Saggy baggy skin. It's just gross. I want a cute pregnant stomach I can show off. Now I'll just have to have another another baby, just so I can do that. It's really vain, isn't it?

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Friday, September 14, 2007

Woah! Fall has arrived. It's 44 degrees right now. We planned a camping trip for this weekend. It's going to be cold! Thank goodness we are car camping and can bring 100 blankets. (ok, not 100, but I'll be glad for extras). This is Will's first camping trip, he's been talking about it for weeks! I'm 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant. I feel okay -- a bit tired, and food doesn't appeal. Much better than with Will and Joseph.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Monday, September 17, 2007

7 weeks pregnant. I have 1 more week until my first midwife appointment. At that time, I'm sure I'll get a dating ultrasound and be scheduled for the 12 week NT test. I keep thinking that I can't be that unlucky twice, then it just happened to Sarah (uropachild). I wonder if it happens again, what will we do? I was just thinking that if there is a cystic hygroma again, I will know it's not from the medicine I was on with Joseph, since I'm off it now. So part of me will be glad to know it wasn't something I did. But then I would rather never know what Joseph had and never face it again that know what it is. What if Will is the only child we get to keep? He is the center of my life but I would like another child too. I know I can't worry about this all the time, there are no guarantees, even if you make it to term. I just wish I could snap my fingers and end up on May 5th. Who ever decided 40 weeks was a good length for humans to be pregnant obviously didn't ask the pregnant ladies.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Appointment today! I've nervous and excited. We haven't told Will yet, but he's coming to the appointment. It's early to tell him, but he might figure it out at the appointment.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Wednesday, September 26th, 2008
8w2d

My appointment went fine, but boring. I'm scheduled for a dating ultrasound on October 1st, and my NT Screening on October 16. I had to argue for a later date for the Nuchal Screening. I know you have to be between 11w1d and 13w6d for it to be accurate. She tried to schedule me for October 10th, where I'll will only be 10w2d. She said we go by last LMP for this. I said my LMP was not accurate. I think she though I was saying that I wanted to count it from when I was acually pregnant (you know how they add 2 weeks to your actual pregnancy because they date from your last period). So she said I could pick a day, but it couldn't be any later than whatever day was 13w6d past LMP. So she gave me October 16th, when I'll be exactly 11w1d. If my dating ultrasound give me a due date later than May 5th, I'll call and reschedule. I know if I don't, I'll be coming in again. That would make another copay and more time off for work. No thanks.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Thursday, October 4th, 2007
9w3d

Had an ultrasound on Monday. Measuring right when I thought I would. Therefore the Nuchal Screening is moved to Tuesday, October 22nd. I hate to wait another week, but if I were too early, they'd make me come in again, which is more nerve-racking. I'm trying to get out of the genetic counseling, since we just did that a year ago. Nothings changed except Joseph, and we have no clue what that was. Hopefully we get the same genetic counselor so we don't have to rehash it.

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

October 15, 2007
11w0d

Ugh. I thought morning sickness was suppose to get better close to the 2nd trimester. I'm 11 weeks today and sicker than ever. I don't want to go on Zofran this pregnancy if I can help it. The side effects were not my favorite.

We had Will's 3rd birthday party this weekend. It was fun. Luckily my mom paid for the pizza, so we didn't have to prepare any food. 15 adults and 12 kids, 8 which were 3 years old, 2 older than 3, and 2 infants. It was a lot less crazy than it sounds. We had beautiful weather for it, so the kids were able to be outside most of the time. We announced our pregnancy so now everyone knows, it's no longer a secret. One sister (the one with kids) was happy for me. The other (no kids) didn't even mention it. Whatever.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

October 22, 2007 11w5d (new due date of 5/7/2008 )

I went in for my 12 week appointment today. (Actually it was 11w5d, as I got the final results from my dating ultrasound).

So my midwife tries to find the heartbeat with the first doppler, no luck. He went to go get another one, thinking the battery was low, since it wasn't even picking up my heart sounds/placenta sounds.

He brings in the high tech doppler, no luck. So of course, I'm getting scared.

He went and got the portable u/s machine. He asks if I was ever told I had a tipped uterus (No). Finally the machine boots up. He found the baby right away, but couldn't find the hb. (Crappy quality machine). Then the baby spun in a circle. The midwife said "He's moving, so that's good, I can't make him move like that". Then he was able to zero in on the heartbeat. We saw it flickering away. Thank goodness! I was just going crazing thinking about what I would do if there were no hb. I got two "alien baby" photos. I was so happy that my midwife grabbed the u/s machine. I was afraid he would make me wait until tomorrow, when I have my nuchal screening.

Tomorrow is my nuchal screening, so I should have some good quality ultrasound pictures to share tomorrow. The ones today are fuzzy blobs!

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

10/23/2007
11w6d

First things first: Our nuchal scan went fine. Yahoo Our measurement was 1.6. Anything 3 or under is considered in the normal range.

Everything looks fine, heartbeat 150-160 (I can't remember, was too interested in the neck measurment). We saw the bladder (too soon for kidneys), the brain looked symmetrical. We saw the legs and it didn't look like there were club feet, saw the fingers. The baby is measuring ahead of my due date, but the u/s tech wasn't concerned. Due date by dating ultrasound, with iffy tech was 5/7, I estimated 5/5 by OPK. The u/s today said 4/30. All close enough for me. I'm sure if there is something to worry about, they will tell us.

We have a guess for gender, but it's so early to tell. Her guess (Sarah, the u/s tech) was boy, since at this stage, the way they tell is by which way the phallus (either develop into penis or clitoris) is pointing. It will point up for boys, and down for girls. We're happy with either. Will on the other hand wants a sister. As soon as we find out for sure, at our 20 week ultrasound, we'll tell him so he can get used to the idea. A boy is great -- we have all the clothes and only 2 bedrooms so we don't have to worry about it. A girl would be fun to have though. And I know, if we have a girl, we are done for sure. A boy leaves doubt in my mind if we want to try again.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Somebody posted this from a baby name book
"The New Baby Name Survey" by Bruce Lansky

Joseph: (Hebrew) God will add, God will increase
Joseph has strong character. People picture him as a dependable, honest, and hard-working man. He's thought to be caring and handsome with a warm smile, and he enjoys a good book.

It's a way I'd like to think of our son.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

11/14/2007 15w

15 weeks today. I've been feeling a little better, but now I have a cold/sore throat that's been making it's way through our family.

My numbers from my nuchal screening came back. My numbers for T13/T18 were good, 1 in 6000-something. My DS number came back at 1 in 298, which is 1/3 of 1%, but it's still not what they consider "normal" so it's offically a positive screen. They want it to be 1 in 306 or better, so I missed it by 8. We're going in for follow up blood work next week. At 18 weeks we'll get a level 2 ultrasound. From there, we'll decide if we are going to do an amnio. My feeling is if they find any physical characteristics that make them think Down Syndrome, then we'll do the amnio to find out for sure. Otherwise, I don't want to risk it.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

I had my 16 week appointment yesterday. My uterus is above my belly button (shouldn't be there until 20 weeks, but I'm short, so I'm not surprise). The heartbeat was good, 140-160. It was hard to measure since she wasn't using a doppler with a readout, and the baby kept moving away from the doppler. She didn't do a fundal height, but I think that's mostly after 20 weeks. I gained 2 lbs since my last visit, but since I had lost weight from my first visit, I think I'm at even. With Joseph, I gained 5 lbs in the first week I found out I was pregnant! (No, not baby related, finally off my diet related Smile )

I got a flu shot (ouch!) and she listened to my lungs since I've had a bad cough for over a week. I didn't have to pee in a cup! Yahoo Apparently I'm free from doing that until 28 weeks.

We did some blood work for the integrated screening test -- essentially I did the quad screen yesterday and they will take those numbers and combine them with the first trimester/NT numbers to come up with an integrated result. This is fairly new, as before you either did the first trimester screening, or the second, but not both.

Our number from the first screening came back 1 in 296 risk for DS. That's better than my age risk (before testing) of 1 in 189, but they consider that a screen positive because it's worse that their (arbitrary) cut off of 1 in 306. But the test is skewed against those over 35 such that women over 35 almost always end up with a positive. I wish I knew that before I took the test.

My level 2 ultrasound is scheduled for December 11th.

My clinic is one that has 6-8 midwives. You are encouraged to meet every midwife, since you will get whoever is on call when you deliver. We did that with Will and ended up with the only midwife who didn't have clinic hours. It worked out since she was marvelous. With Joseph, it was more important to me (even before we knew of his problems) to have a consistant caregiver. With Will, every midwife would measure me differently and there was no continituity of care. During Joseph's pregnancy, we had been seen my mostly Karen, and occassionally by John, when Karen was not available. John is the midwife that guided us through our tough decision of not delivering Joseph at 26 weeks even though that is what the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors wanted us to do. He shared some personal experiences with us, and made us see that we could choose to not deliver and still love Joseph.
When I was in labor for both Will and Joseph, I called the 24 hour number and spoke with the midwife on call. Both times I ended up with the same midwife, Jill, who told me not to come in, and was wrong both times. (I arrived at 10 cm with Joseph). Yesterday Karen offered to be there when we delivered, that she (or John, if something came up) would be available at anytime to come, even if they weren't on call. They knew that I didn't have the best experience with getting to the hospital, and they know my labors go fast. The offer made me cry. Here are two people willing to work extra to help make sure my birth experience is a good one. I'll feel funny taking them up on this, but I will. I would love to have either John or Karen deliver this baby.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

11/29/2007 17w1d

I'm totally bored at work. I have a couple hours left and I'm totally bored. I work a half day tomorrow, since I'll be traveling to Chicago for girls weekend! My friend from college and I haven't seen each other for 4 years. I told her that she had to do this now, or wait until 2011 when I no longer had a nursing baby.

Still waiting on my integrated first and second trimester screeing. We officially got a "screen positive" with our nuchal screeing for Down Syndrome, even though the number got better than my age number was.

I'm not sure if I have felt this baby kick. I'm much heavier than my other two pregnancies, and I have an anterior placenta. I did listen to the HB yesterday and could hear the baby kicking and moving away from the doppler so I'm not worried about it.

Dreary weather and a sick DS doesn't help either. Night before last, DH got up with DS. Yesterday after dinner, DH said "not that I'm complaining, because I know you do this all the time, but getting up with DS at night really takes a lot out of you the next day". Gee, do you think? Try doing it while pregnant. DH doesn't usually get up with DS, since DS calls for me. If DH goes, DS gets all upset and I end up having to go in anyways, and then DS is really awake. The other night he called for DH. It was nice, but I laid in bed listening to DH trying to get DS back to sleep. It's not easy. I'm glad he has a little taste.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

December 6, 2007
18w1d

It our 4 year anniversary today. We've been married for 1460 days and I've been pregnant for 895 (and counting) of them. Sheesh, that's a lot.

We FINALLY got our numbers back from our combined first and second trimester screening. It took 17 days instead of the quoted 7. But in the end, the wait was worth it! Our Down Syndrome risk was high before (an official "screen positive”). It was 1 in 286, rather than 1 in 306 for normal. Our new number, combining the first and second trimester screening brings our number to a wonderful 1 in 4,005! Our risk for T13/T18 got better as well; it is now 1 in 250,000. The second trimester screening also tested for Neural Tube Defects (such as Spina Bifida, etc). That number (overall for all NTD) is 1 in 49,251. Yahoo

Our "big" ultrasound is next week. I'm excited to find out if it is a boy or girl. Boy names are so hard for us (probably since we've used 4 already, 2 for each kid). Girls names, the hardest part will be choosing between the ones we love. Our 12 (actually 13) week ultrasound they said boy. We'll see if they are right. I believed them for a while, but now I'm starting to have "girl" feelings. It might just be wishful thinking though!

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

December 11th 2007
18w6d

We had our big ultrasound today. Healthy baby! No signs of anything bad, good nuchal measurements, right on target for dates. No club foot, no cleft lip. Good kidneys, good bladder. No signs of Down Sydrome. We're so happy :cloud9:

Oh, the gender???? It's a boy!

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

December 20, 2007
20w1d

We're past halfway. In some ways this has gone much faster than previous pregnancies. I remember wishing to get to 20 weeks with Joseph, and how long that took. But also this is slower. I just want to see my healthy baby born.

I think about Joseph too at this time. We missed Christmas last year because I was in the hospital. We eventually opened presents, but slowly over a couple of weeks. We didn't even get to them all before Joseph was born. DS1 just realized a few days ago that he gets presents at Christmas. I'm a little sad to thing that he didn't realize it because Christmas didn't really happen for him last year. But also part of it is that we're not encouraging Christmas to be all about getting presents -- I've seen too much greed in other kids not to want that to be the focus. He's excited that Grandma is coming, and that he'll get to play at his cousin's house.

Will doesn't seem phased at all that he's going to have a brother, when he asked for a sister. We've been asking him to come up with names, but so far, he's only given us names of his friends. "How about Ozzie for a name?" he says. Ozzie (Oscar) is the little brother of one of his friends. I guess Ozzie must seem like a good little brother, if he wants to name his brother it. But Oscar is out --not traditional enough for us! We're more into traditional names such as Edward, Thomas, James, Samuel, etc. Not that you can't tell that from the previous names we've used. Smile

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

December 28, 2007
21w2d

So I finally sent in the application for Joseph's certificate of stillbirth (like a birth certificate). We're fortunate that we're able to get some acknowledgement of his time here by the state. Some families aren't so lucky. It had to be in before 1 year, otherwise, it's an additional $40. I just made it under the wire.

It's hard to believe that we're coming up on a year. It feels like it was so recent, but obviously can't be since I'm halfway through another pregnancy. I'm not sure how we're going to honor Joseph in a couple of weeks. I've already taken the day off from work since I know it will be hard.

We had a nice Christmas with my family. We hung a stocking for Joseph, and we had his ornament that I got last year with his name on it. We hung it near the angel on the tree. I thought that would be a good place for it.

It's a good thing I work from home, because everytime I write about Joseph I cry. I didn't think that I would be like this still.

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

January 13, 2008
23w4d

The anniversary of Joseph's birth/death was on Tuesday. It was a hard day. I felt that he was forgotten by most everyone. My mom called late in the day, and one friend sent flowers, and the women from his birth board remember, but the rest of my family didn't.

This is pregnancy is hard, because I just want to hold my healthy baby just so I know it is real. I haven't really been "invested" in this pregnancy, because I'm just so scared of getting my hopes up. We need a few things, not much because it's a boy, but there are things I want to get him. Also, we need to arrange the house some, to fit him in. I'm just such a pack rat, I need to purge out the junk so I don't feel overwhelmed with stuff.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

January 31, 2008
26w1d

I told my husband the other day that if someone wanted to make a lot of money they need to invent a time machine and they could be rich beyond their wildest dreams with just selling it to pregnant women. I can't imagine making it through the next 14 weeks without losing my mind. I know it's getting hard because I'm coming up on the same time that we lost Joseph (29w5d). But beyond that, I've essentially been pregnant for 55 weeks with nothing yet to show for it. It's depressing. I'm sick of being pregnant and just want May to come as quick as possible.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

February 12, 2008
27w6d

Had my 28 week appointment yesterday. I passed my glucose test, gained 3 lbs, and am still measuring big, by about 6 cm. They aren't concerned because I've been measuring big since week 20, the first time they measured me.

I was able to make all my appointments through April 25th. I hope to be delivered by then, so I didn't make any more Smile

I'm still sick of being pregnant. Bring on MAY!

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

February 25, 2208
29w5d

This is the milestone I have been waiting for -- 29w5d is when we lost Joseph. I'll be happy when tomorrow comes.

I still worry all the time, that there is something wrong with this pregnancy. I have nothing to base this on, except for measuring large. I have been measuring large (fundal height) since my ultrasound, which showed the baby to be measuring just fine, and my amniotic fluid was measuring spot on too. It's just the way I am I guess. With DS1 I measured correctly. I guess it could be the 40 lbs I didn't take off after Joseph was born. I'm also kind of short, so the baby has no place to go but out.

I think we've decided on a name. I like it fine, but I'm not sure it's "the one". We're living with this decision for a bit to see if it sticks. Unfortunately DS1 has already been using it, so he'll be the hardest person to convince if we change it.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

3/15/2008
32w3d

Time is creeping by. I can't imagine making in through another 8 weeks. I'm still measuring large, but not by as many (only 4cm instead of 7 at my 20 week, so measuring 36 weeks)

Today DH and DS are gone overnight to a camping trip at a local Children's museum. I have the next 15 hours to myself. I'm going to do a lot of nothing. Watch tv and lie on the couch, it's about all I feel up for.

I still get anxious about this baby. I worry about too few kicks or two many kicks. It's never ending isn't it? I know I worry about DS1 still too. It's just a different kind of worry because someone else can share in the responsibility of caring for him. With the baby in my stomach, I'm the only one that can care for him at this moment.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

04/07/2008
35w5d

Nothing new to report, I'm just counting down the days. Hurry up May! I don't know how I'm going to last until then. I'm cranky, having trouble eating, having trouble sleeping (most DS1's fault). The house is a pigsty and I have no motivation to do anything about it -- and when I don't keep it picked up DH doesn't either.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

4/16/2008
37w

37 weeks today! Officially full term. I never thought I'd get here. Now we're just waiting for something to happen.

We're not quite ready, no place for the baby to sleep when he comes home, but DH can take care of that when I'm in the hospital if need be. The house is still a mess. I guess my mom can take care of that when she comes, as obviously DH is not going to do it.

I feel funny today -- lots of pelvic pulling/tugging and I feel like I'm going to throw up. That motivated me to get the last load of laundry in. I still need to wash his take home outfit (100% wool, so can't go in the machine). That worries me a little because if we try to wash it while I'm in the hospital, there's no way it will dry in time. Just need to get to that today.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

4/20/2008
37w4d

Had a few contractions on Thursday that made me realize how close this is. It scared me a bit, but I'm ready!

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

4/25/2008
38w2d

Still hanging in! Now that I've made it this far, I want to make it to May. Too many April birthdays in our family. My 38 week appointment was today -- measuring 40 weeks, baby is not engaged. Since I'm not a FTM, the baby may not engage until right before birth. He's been kicking up a storm. I'm almost done with the baby blanket, and then one more booty to knit. Other than that, I'm done. Though I can't find the Moby wrap and I've run out of placed to look. Hopefully it will show up soon or I'll be tempted to buy another one. I just can't figure out where it went.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

4/28/2008
38w5d

It looks like we'll be safe from delivering on my sister's birthday Yahoo (today, the 28th) unless I have a super fast labor. No signs of anything yet.

When I was putting DS1 to bed tonight, he told me he thinks the baby is coming tonight. We'll see! I told him it would be nice to see the baby in the morning, wouldn't it? I know he's tired of me being pregnant. I'm not very much fun like this.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

5/1/2008
39w1d

It's MAY! Finally. I never though I'd get this far. Now the little guy just has to decide when to make his entrance. All along we've told DS1 that his brother is coming in May. Today DH and I were talking and mentioned we'd made it to May. So now Will thinks his brother is coming today and didn't want to go to school -- he doesn't want to miss it. We had to explain that even though it's May, the baby gets to pick which day in May to come. I think Will is really really tired of Mommy being pregnant. I'm tired of it, DH is tired of it. Today would be a good day to have a baby but no signs of anything. With both my previous deliveries, I had a couple of days warning with bloody show, etc. Nothing now.

Did I mention that my mom is driving me crazy? She's currently camping out at my sister's house, just waiting for this baby. I think she expects that she'll be at the delivery. Um, nope. She hasn't asked, so I haven't had to tell her no. But if she does ask, I will say no. She's welcome to see him when he's a few hours old. I told my sister (and said "don't tell mom", which I'm sure she will now) that Mom was not invited. From that conversation, I got the vibe that my sister expected to be invited. Double nope. I really hope I go into labor in the wee hours of the morning so I have a good excuse not to call anyone.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

5/4/2008
39w4d

I think I might be in labor. It's so hard to figure it out. I'm having contractions, often, but the aren't lasting for very long. They're about 30-45 sec long, with a couple lasting 1 - 1/2 minutes. We've called my mom to come stay with us tonight, so if it is the real thing, we don't have to wake her up in the middle of the night.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Thomas Harlow N
8lbs 9oz
21 in
5/5/2008 (39w5d)
1:05am

He's a gorgeous little boy with pale blond hair and two of the cutest dimples ever. :love10: He's 2 lbs bigger than his brother was. I hope his take home outfit fits. I was suprised he was so big.

Fast labor, which unfortunately meant I didn't get my antibiotics for GSB+. He had some trouble maintaining his temperature and keeping his oxygen levels up, so he's in the NICU until at least Wednesday. They are waiting for test results to figure out if he has an infection or there is some other issue.

I'm up around the clock working on BFing. He's latching like a champ but like his brother is tongue-tied and that affects his latch (and causes some pain to me too)

Pics and whole story to come.

Janel

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Sorry it's taken me so long to post again!

Thomas came home when I did, Wednesday the 7th (his due date). It was looking like they were going to keep him in the NICU, but at the last minute they decided his jaundice was getting better (my milk had just come in, so he was getting more liquid), and his test results came back fine. It's been a whirlwind. I didn't appreciate the extra time I had with DS1 without a preschooler around. Even with DH home, I have had very little time to do anything. I'm finally giving up having a nap to get some email and pictures out.

The birth story: Sunday the 4th I had sporadic contractions all day long. One or two an hour, nothing different than the previous week had been. Around 5pm, I had a few more. By 6pm I started keeping track of how often they came. By the time 8pm rolled around, I was sure that I was in labor so I called the midwife. He (yes, a male midwife, one of my favorite midwives in the practice.) asked me to call back in an hour to see if the contractions were increasing. I called him back and 9:15pm and told him that they were increasing in frequency and intensity and that I wanted to come in. I think he was skeptical that I was in labor. But I knew my body well enough to know that this was it, even though I could talk through contractions. It was like this with my two previous deliveries.

We arrived at the hospital at 9:45pm. The nurse took me to a triage room and directed me to the bathroom down the hall to pee in a cup. While I was gone, my husband convinced the nurse to put me in a real room rather than a triage room, given my previous history, and the fact that I was GSB+.

They hooked me up to the monitors, and the midwife checked me. I was 7cm at 10pm. By 10:40pm I had decided to get the intrathecal, because I was laboring so fast, there was no rest in-between contractions and they were intense. I knew that I would have no control over pushing in this much pain. (I couldn't imagine being able to push through the pain). My midwife suggested the intrathecal instead of an epidural because the epidural would never take before I delivered at the rate I was going.

My midwife didn't want to check for dialation until I felt the pressure to push. By 12:45am he decided to check me since it had been more than a couple of hours. I was 10cm dialated and probably had been that way for a while. He then told me I could push when I felt the urge. The intrathecal doesn't go low enough in the pelvis to eliminate the pain when the baby is really low. It was quite painful, and I'm glad I got the rest in-between. I pushed with several contractions. At a few minutes to 1am, my water broke, and a couple of pushes later, Thomas was born. From arrival at the hospital to delivery was just over 3 hours.

Will and Thomas

Family picture

Dad and Thomas

Mom and Thomas

Because I was GSB+, and I didn't get 2 doses of antibiotics, when Thomas was chilly (96 degree temperature) they had to treat that as a possible sign of infection. Once in the NICU, they monitored his oxygen levels and he wasn't keeping his numbers high enough. So for three days he was hooked up to a bunch of monitors and had oxygen for the first two days. He got better at breathing and keeping his temperature up, then he had signs of jaundice. That improved when my milk came in. I nursed him every 2-3 hours around the clock. It was hard at night because my room and the NICU was on a different floor, so I'd set my alarm, trek down to the NICU, feed him, and then trek back up to my room, get an hour to an hour and a half rest and then repeat the cycle. Occassionally I'd not even get that much time as they would call me when he was hungry. I was thankful that he was breastfeeding well so it was worth it.

It was hard to see the babies in the NICU. There was one boy (a twin) who was finally going home. I talked to his mom in the lounge one day. Her due date was May 9th (two days after mine) and she had the boys in JANUARY. I was floored. The other twin was not yet ready to go home. They are still only 4-5lbs. Thomas looked like a giant in the NICU compared to all the other babies. It really made me appreciate his health.

Now we're just settling in. Thomas is a good nurser. By his 5 day appointment, he was back to his birth weight. He was tongue-tied just like his brother and we had them clip it in the hospital and then a little bit more at his 5 day appointment. That made things much easier as before he gave me blisters on each nipple as he couldn't get his tongue out far enough. I've healed now and he latches great. He's a calm, laid back baby. The only time he gets upset is if he's ready to eat and we try to change his diaper instead. Will was like this too. I'm feeling pretty good, just tired. I am so glad to not be pregnant. I can sleep, have an appetite, no heartburn, it's marvelous. I am feeling nostalgic about being pregnant, knowing that I probably won't ever do that again. But I'm very thankful for our healthy boy that we waited so long for.

Janel

Pages