Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I moved my other journal to be private because there wasn't anything really happening anymore. But also because I couldn't bear to come on preg.org and have it there reminding me what I had lost. Losing Joseph has been the hardest experience I have ever gone through.
But I know there is life after Joseph. I know that that's not the the final chapter. I just don't know what it will look like yet.
We're going to TTC as soon as AF returns for me. It's been nearly 5 months since Joseph was stillborn. After he was born, my milk came in, and DS1 became a milk-a-holic again. So my body thinks it's nursing a young baby, and AF has not come back. With DS1, it took over a year to get AF back, so I'm not surprised at this at all. It's just hard to wait. I'm 36 already and we need to think about my age.
Jamie Little had her NT today and that got me thinking about how nervous I will be when I get pregnant. Not because I'll be worried about miscarriage (the typical worry for preggos) but because I'll be worried about everything I do that could cause the same problem as Joseph. We never figured out what was wrong with him. We're waiting on one more genetic test to see if it was Noonan Syndrome. But it really looks like we'll never know. I know that until I see the baby on the ultrasound, and the nuchal test comes back normal, I'll be a basket case.
It's hard knowing that it could have been something I did that caused Joseph to be so sick. I was on a medication that is now maybe possibly a cause of birth defects. It's a long shot, but I've gone off it now, just in case. I kind of resent DH for this, as he doesn't have to give up anything or do anything different for a pregnancy.
Things are a little strained in our house. We're both trying to work through our grief. I'm trying to recover from pregnancy. I'm trying to worry about getting pregnant again. We feel like we're under a time crunch, because of my age and the fact we want 2 or 3 more kids.
It's also stressful at work. I really don't care about work except that it gives me a paycheck. We're going through a reorganization, so I could lose my job. They've been stringing us along since November. We're all really sick of it. We just want to know what is going on. It would suck to try to get a new job, and possibly have to go through maternity leave at a new place. I realize I had it good at my current job with leave. With a new job, I may only get a short time off, and it may not be paid at all!
All these worries, they just fill my head. They consume me.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
As time goes on, I run into people that didn't know what happened with us and I have to tell the story again. I don't try to bring it up, but it's amazing how many people ask when we're going to have another baby, not knowing we lost Joseph. People then feel bad for bringing it up, but how could they know? I still get teary when I tell the story. I'm waiting for the day when I can say "we lost a baby" without crying. Even as I type, I'm getting that way.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Wow, June already. It's summer. It's warm. I feel like I'm still in October, mentally. The seasons, Thanksgiving, Christmas just passed me by.
I'm drawn to other stories of families who had a terminal pregnancy, but made the other choice. I often wonder how things would be different, if we had been able to "get on" with our lives in September instead of January?
Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
I think I O's last week, so now I'm in the 2 week wait. I think I'm ready to be pregnant again, but I'm not sure. It's kind of like trying to decide to have a baby in the first place -- are you every really ready?
My stepsister passed away on Monday. She was 47 and had been battling breast cancer for the last few years. It had spread through her whole body. My sister and I are going to her funeral on Saturday. My other sister is not going. She says because she's never met Wendy, and she has other plans for the day (a graduation party for one of her high school students ). Really she just refuses to go to funerals. She didn't go to my grandma's either. I believe that funerals are not for the dead, but for the living -- to support them in their loss. After having lost a child myself -- it meant a lot that people came to his memorial. I was a little bit ticked my Dad did not come. It's like he didn't really think Joseph had lived, so what was the point of a funeral. Maybe he's really like my sister and doesn't like funerals. At least that's the story I tell myself.
Friday, June 8th, 2007
Today is 5 months since we lost Joseph. Wouldn't you know it that today the geneticist called? We had one outstanding test to try to figure out what Joseph had. She called to say that they didn't have enough material to do the last test. I'm disappointed but not surprised. We only had a 5% chance that this was it anyways. I just wish the timing of the phone call had been better.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007.
No good news on the POAS front yet. I'm trying to tell myself that it's just too early yet. (12 dpo). With my previous pregnancy, I got a BPF on 11 dpo. Hopefully I just have my dates off and and have to be more patient.
Friday, June 15th, 2007
Well, the fat lady sang today. AF arrived. I was very hopeful that we'd get pregnant the first time I ovulated. No such luck. 369 days since my last AF, 158 days since giving birth to Joseph.
Even though I'm disappointed, I want to give myself kudos for recognizing that I ovulated, just using fertility signs after all this time. I'd rather be pregnant, but ovulating is a step in the right direction. I'm moving forward from the tragedy of Joseph.
Of course, as every TTC woman does (or at least most), I went to the pregnancy dates calculator to see what my next possible due date would be, given that AF started today. March 21st, 2008. Now isn't that a kick in the pants - that was Joseph's due date.
Monday, July 2, 2007
It must be slow around here -- I was gone for over a week and I didn't drop to page 2.
We spent a week with my parents. They are divorced, so that means 3 days with one set, 4 days with the other. I was happy to see my family, but traveling with a toddler is not that much fun. He didn't sleep well, which means I didn't sleep well. He also got sick while we were there, so that coupled with lack of sleep made him a clingly little boy. It was so bad, that even when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he had to come with me.
So now I'm back at work. I wish I could be the SAHP, instead of DH. It will never work that way because DH is just not motivated enough to work hard at a job, therefore we could never live on just his salary. It makes me sad. I'm happy that DS is not in daycare, so I'm not complaining about DH staying home, I just wish I could have a chance too.
July 5th, 2007
Nothing to report on the pregnancy front -- still waiting to try this month. At this rate, we'll miss March entirely. That may be a good thing. But I'm just tired of waiting. I have told myself that on Monday (July 9th) I start dieting and exercising. I think 6 months is enough time to wallow in misery. No more, I need to get on with the rest of my life. I told myself that I have to lose 5 lbs before I can POAS. Wish me luck!
July 8th, 2007
Today is six months since Joseph's birth. It's a hard milestone, but made easier by the fact that we are actively TTCing. DH and I have thought if we have a girl, her middle name would be Josephine. I know my family might think that is odd, naming a sister after her brother, but we know that we wouldn't be trying for another baby this soon (if at all) if we hadn't have lost Joseph.
Today when we were in Target, there was a family with a disabled child, not very loud, but loud enough in the snack area that people were noticing. I feel guilty when I see a family dealing with that and I feel relief that we didn't have to go through that with Joseph. It's a hard situation either way.