Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I moved my other journal to be private because there wasn't anything really happening anymore. But also because I couldn't bear to come on preg.org and have it there reminding me what I had lost. Losing Joseph has been the hardest experience I have ever gone through.
But I know there is life after Joseph. I know that that's not the the final chapter. I just don't know what it will look like yet.
We're going to TTC as soon as AF returns for me. It's been nearly 5 months since Joseph was stillborn. After he was born, my milk came in, and DS1 became a milk-a-holic again. So my body thinks it's nursing a young baby, and AF has not come back. With DS1, it took over a year to get AF back, so I'm not surprised at this at all. It's just hard to wait. I'm 36 already and we need to think about my age.
Jamie Little had her NT today and that got me thinking about how nervous I will be when I get pregnant. Not because I'll be worried about miscarriage (the typical worry for preggos) but because I'll be worried about everything I do that could cause the same problem as Joseph. We never figured out what was wrong with him. We're waiting on one more genetic test to see if it was Noonan Syndrome. But it really looks like we'll never know. I know that until I see the baby on the ultrasound, and the nuchal test comes back normal, I'll be a basket case.
It's hard knowing that it could have been something I did that caused Joseph to be so sick. I was on a medication that is now maybe possibly a cause of birth defects. It's a long shot, but I've gone off it now, just in case. I kind of resent DH for this, as he doesn't have to give up anything or do anything different for a pregnancy.
Things are a little strained in our house. We're both trying to work through our grief. I'm trying to recover from pregnancy. I'm trying to worry about getting pregnant again. We feel like we're under a time crunch, because of my age and the fact we want 2 or 3 more kids.
It's also stressful at work. I really don't care about work except that it gives me a paycheck. We're going through a reorganization, so I could lose my job. They've been stringing us along since November. We're all really sick of it. We just want to know what is going on. It would suck to try to get a new job, and possibly have to go through maternity leave at a new place. I realize I had it good at my current job with leave. With a new job, I may only get a short time off, and it may not be paid at all!
All these worries, they just fill my head. They consume me.