Nice girls don't lie

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Nice girls don't lie

This will contain my random thoughts.

My sister and I just spent the past half hour on the phone trying to think of a fun name.

Sad that this is the best we could come up with.

We often wonder if we are as funny to others as we think we are.

The name came from my two year old daughter, Arianna.

Here's the conversation we had last week:

I had just gotten out of the shower and Ari had a red mark on her head.

M: What happened to your head?
A: Dada do!
M: Dada do?
A: No!! Mama do!
M: Mama do, or Nana do?
A: (sigh) Nana do.
M: Did you just lie to Mommy?
A: Yes.
M: Nice girls don't lie!
A: (BIG sigh) I know mama.

At least she knows....................

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I realize I should tell a bit about myself.

I'm Jennifer (Jen). I'm sarcastic, opinionated, hot-headed, b*tchy, melodramatic and hilarious.

I'm married to an incredible man - my soul mate, best friend, lover.

I have two daughters, Arianna Nicole, age 2 and Sophia Elena, 9 weeks.

I'm a SAHM and some days I want to either flush my kids down the toilet or jump off the roof (there's that sarcasm).

I will never be anyone's idea of a perfect mom - and I don't give a crap. I have good mom moments, and great mom moments. At the end of the day, I love my kids beyond words and I do my best (though some days my best sucks).

I'm so far from being the perfect wife it's not even funny. But, my hubby is okay with that.

So, that's me in a nutshell *how did I get in this nutshell??* (there's that hilarity).

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I heart naps.

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If I had some super power, and could change one thing it would be that babies aren't allowed to get sick. Ever. When I say sick, I mean real sick - like fatal sick.

No Mom should ever have to say goodbye to her child. It's not fair. It's just not right.

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Being a Mom is THE hardest thing I've ever done. Seriously hard.

My darling two year old is jumping on my last nerve. We just took away the paci and it's been awful. She refuses to nap most days and by the time bed-time rolls around she's a BEAR.

I hate mommy guilt (much more on that later, don't have time right now). I hate second guessing myself.

But man, those baby smiles and big girl hugs and kisses make it all very much worth it.

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She weighs 12 lbs, 4 ozs! She's 24" long - so she's grown 3.5 inches and gained almost 4 pounds! My big girl!!!

Her Ped said that she's "advanced" (I really don't know what that means at 2 months!) - she's holding her head up well, and tracking objects 180 degrees, putting weight on her legs, etc.

Then, she palpated her stomach and said her liver is enlarged. We're going for bloodwork to see what the problem is.

I'm doing my best not to freak out. I refuse to google it - I'll send myself into a panic. I hardly slept last night.

We went through something scary with Arianna when she was 8 months old. She had a high fever for several days, and they didn't know what was wrong. They sent us over to the hosptial for blood work and a urine analysis. The blood work came back with a high white blood cell count. Her ped called us at home in the evening to talk about it. She refused to tell us what it could mean. I said, "it's not life or death, right?" - she said, "I really don't know". Waiting for the second test was incredibly hard. A million different things went through my mind. I was a complete mess. Everything ended up fine.

Which means I keep asking myself if we are going to be that lucky twice.

If anything happened to my sweet baby girl I honestly don't know how I could handle it. Losing my niece about killed me.

We go for her blood work tomorrow. I hope the results come in quickly.

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We got Sophia's bloodwork done on Thursday, hopefully we'll get the (good) results on Monday. I'm a nervous wreck.

My amazing husband bought me Harry Potter last night. I stayed up until 10:30 (late for me!) reading. He's going to take Arianna out for lots of errands today, so I can chill and read. I love that man.

On Thursday when we were leaving for the lab, Arianna said that her nose hurt. We looked up it and didn't see anything. While in the waiting room, whe sneezed and out flew a "pretty" (a hair band). Unfortunately it was bright green and the waiting room was pretty packed. I guess she shoved it up her nose during nap time. Oh the life with a toddler. At the very least, it's not boring.

She has recently started saying "boppity boo!" and I figured she was "playing" Cinderella. But alas, I was wrong. My sweet 2 year old is using it as a cuss word. When she gets mad at me or her daddy, she'll say it, her voice full of disdain, and leave the room. So, in toddler-speak, it either means f-you or she's trying to make us disappear.

She is also a bit obsessed with my breastfeeding Sophia. Here are some funnies:

When Pia cries, she tells me, "sister wants to eat boobie!".

Once, when Pia was crying, she lifted her shirt up and said, "sister, you want a bite?".

She brought a play cup from her kitchen, lifted my shirt and asked me for some milk!

She nurses her babies, and uses toy that resemble my breast pump on her own boobie.

The innocence of her, the purity of her mind is amazing.

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I DESPISE that nurses won't give the lab results over the phone. The Dr has to call. Seriously - do they not understand what mom's go through, anxiously awaiting test results?

This sucks.

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Some pics of my family (warning, there is boobie in one of them)

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Still no news. I'm going a bit insane.

:cry:

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I called again. The lady tried to tell me someone would call me back. I told her that this was my 4th phone call, with no call back, and that I would hold until someone could help me. She put me on hold, to go talk to the Dr.

She came back on the line and told me that Dr. Gunsberg is conferring with another Dr. on Pia's results, and that's what is taking so long. She promised that she (the Dr.) would call me back this afternoon.

I'm freaking out. I can't stop crying.

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Unfortunately I don't have much to update.

I did finally talk to a nurse on Wed afternoon. She told me that the ped wanted to do an ultrasound and repeat the bloodwork. She said she would call me back with the info.

She never called.

Later that night, around 9, the ped called. I missed the damn phone call. I didn't figure she'd call that late. So, I had her paged and she again didn't call back. I waited patiently yesterday, no phone call. I called the office this AM, only to be told that they are closed today, for moving. They refused to page my ped, because she's not on call.

This is beyond ridiculous.

I haven't left the stupid house all week. Abel and I are on eachothers nerves because of stress. I can't sleep and I'm totally on edge.

I'm trying to stay positive, thinking that it's not life-threatening or else she'd be in the hospital. She's very healthy, and not at all jaundice. It's still very, very hard.

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I honestly don't understand how this ped is still in practice. It's been a WEEK since I initially called. I have yet to talk to her.

I called again this AM, and held for 17 minutes, only to get the nurse ONCE AGAIN. She told me that the ped had tried to call me this weekend, and couldn't get ahold of me. I'm going to have to call bullshit on that one. I had the stupid phone with me all weekend, and no missed calls.

So, once again, waiting on a phone call that will likely not happen.

I'm thinking about reporting her to the medical board. This shouldn't be allowed to happen.

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Well she never called back yesterday, so at 4:45, I called again. I held for 31 minutes before she got on the phone.

She told me that the results were abnormal. We go for an ultrasound tonight, 5:30 to see what's up.

Before I could ask her what abnormal was, and what the implications are, she put me on hold and sent the nurse to finish up. I talked to her for maybe 5 minutes.

I did get the name of the hemotologist she was talking to, so I'll probably call him for help. I am reporting her to the medical board and getting a copy of her chart after the us report comes in.

This is a nightmare.

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Ultrasound went well. She was a very good girl. Of course we don't know anything yet.

I made an appt for a second opinion - next Tuesday at 2:30.

I'm ready for this to be over.

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Is NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So relieved.

We go to a new Ped on Tuesday for a 2nd opinion, and we'll let him do the repeat for the bloodwork. So, we're still not sure what's going on, but at least all her bits and pieces look good.

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I have to vent about this. It's something that absolutely drives me insane.

Why on earth do mothers feel the need to judge other mothers?

I think that we should be lifting each other up, celebrating our accomplishments, learning from one another.

Instead, so many put others down for not doing things the way they do. It's not fair, it's rude and just plain ignorant.

I don't care what you do at home with your children. FF or BF, your baby is getting fed. Circ or no circ - doesn't bother me, not my penis! Spanking no spanking - good for you! CIO or not - whatever gets your LO to sleep for you. SAH, WOH - whatever makes you happy.

Outside of actual abuse, we should all mind our own business. We are all in the most amazing club - we're mothers. We brought life into this world. It's like the ultimate reason to bond together.

I do think it's human nature to judge others. But, can we please draw the line at motherhood?

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I hate, hate, hate the terrible twos.

Seriously.

I love my daughter beyond reason, but she's slowly driving me INSANE.

People keep telling me she's bored - like I'm not good enough to stimulate her. That irritates me.

I've looked into a storytime program at our local library - they don't have one.

I'm in Texas, so it's hotter than hell out right now, and I'm not too keen on taking my 3 month old outside in it.

Here is my morning, so far:

9:00 - wake up, right away throws major fit that her diaper is full. Full on screaming, kicking the ground before I can even say good morning.

9:05 - while changing diaper, demands juice and food.

10:00 - I make her the toast she has requested. She eats one piece, tells me the other is nasty and demands more. I refuse, major fit. I take her to time out.

10:15 - finally stops throwing her fit. Throws 2nd piece of toast at me. I put her back in time out.

10:30 - playing with her toys, throws a fit because something is stuck - won't let me help her so continues with fit.

All in an hour and a half. This is my life, all day every day. She doesn't act like this with anyone else. I hate this. Makes me feel like I'm an awful mother.

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Why is it that I couldn't wait for Arianna to start talking? Now, I'd give almost anything if she would be quiet for an hour. You really can't appreciate silence until you have a toddler.

She is such a struggle for me. I think it's because we are so much alike. Some days it's so incredibly hard to be her mother. She's so smart, funny, sweet and kind - but that's usually not the side I see. I know she loves me, but every once in a while, I'd like to feel like I've done something right by her.

You don't truly experience love, guilt, frustration, hurt and anger until you've had a child.

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Here's my funny lunch story from today.

Arianna wouldn't tell me what she wanted for lunch, so I heated up a slice of pizza. I told her if she ate it all, she could have chips.

[FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode]Like 2 minutes later, she comes in and tells me it's bah - chips please.

I go in the kitchen to find that she's stuffed her piece back in the box and put her empty plate on the counter.

She's only 2 1/2.

[/FONT]

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Yet another Arianna story.

Abel got off work early today. He came home, showered and then took her to run errands.

They were in line at the post office, and a woman got in front of them to join her husband.

Arianna spanked her.

*sigh*

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I generally refrain from posting *****y things about my in-laws, but I think it would be good to get out.

My husband is mexican. He is the first in his whole family (extended included) to marry a white person. We had Arianna out of wed-lock - which is bad enough in his mothers eyes - add that I'm white on top of it and you have the makings of a disaster. I'm also agnostic and to a Cathloic mom that's baaaaddd.

The very first time I met them, Abel and I weren't together yet. His parents live on the Mexican border, so we went to his hometown to have some fun. He had to stop by his parents for something, so I went in with him. They immediately asked if I was his friends girlfriend, obviously appalled at the thought of him bringing home me as HIS girlfriend.

A few months later, we got together and a few months after that, I moved in to his house. She was a constant source of tension between us for the next year. We didn't spend holidays together because of it. I tried, hard to get her to like me. Nothing doing. In the middle of a heated arguement, he admitted that she didn't like me and wanted him to kick me out. Shortly after that, I moved out. Two months after moving out, we found out I was pregnant.

They started to warm up to me a bit, they even threw me a baby shower. They already had 7 granddaughters. When we found out Arianna was a girl, they nicknamed her "ocho". Not funny to me. She was MY first. They were disappointed she wasn't a boy.:mad:

They did come visit in the hospital after I had her, but never bought her a thing. I just think that's crapy.

Since then they've done so much to hurt me. I went through different emotions with them. The first was trying to get them to accept me, the next was anger and I'm finally at indifference.

They don't acknowledge my birthday. Last year, they had a BBQ for August and September birthdays - my birthday is September 16th but wasn't included in the celebration. They don't give me Christmas gifts, didn't get us a wedding gift, didn't come to my bridal shower, our wedding reception, didn't come to meet our newest daugther.

When we first decided we would get married in Vegas, she threw a fit and decided not to go. I think she was hoping that we would change the plans, we didn't. She did end up going, but didn't spend any time with us.

A few months ago, she told him that she wished he had married a "good Cathloic girl". Sorry honey, you're stuck with this little heathen.

They actually tell Abel that Arianna is their favorite grandchild. Which amazes me because she's JUST like me. In looks and personality. And, how can you have a favorite????

It used to be a big issue with us, but now I just grin and bear them. I mean, it's his mother - I can't and won't come between that. I know at the end of the day, he would chose me over her, and that's good enough for me. I'd never really make him chose, because I'd never want to hurt him. I sleep a lot when we go visit.

But, sometimes it hurts.

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1, 2, 3 Magic - Day 1

I got this book last Thursday in desperation.

We started today at roughly 3:45. Within 30 minutes, we got to "3" 4 times. The book says some kids take right to it, and some will get worse, testing their boundaries before they get better. Apparently I have the latter. Figures.

I'm really not into books that tell you how to be a parent - they just aren't for me. I figured I'd read this one, take what I wanted from it and leave the rest. In all honestly, he has some really interesting things to say, and a lot of what he says makes sense.

Now to see if it works for my little heathen.

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We're off on vacation until Wednesday.

Hope I have enough strength for a 5 hour car trip with two kids.

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We're home - physically in one piece. Mentally.........well that's another story.

It was full of adventure, that's for sure. And, we know what not to do next time!

Pictures:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jenniferpalao/

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Happy Birthday to ME!!

I'm self centered enough to appreciate a day just for me! And, my husband loves me enough to indulge me.

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It's been a while.

Things are hectic around here. Abel has been working until 6 or 7 nearly every night. Makes for a looong day for me.

Arianna's behavior is getting better. I'm back to (mostly) enjoying being her mom again. It's been a rough road.

I have lots to say, but the words just aren't coming right now.

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Soooo, I'm all about bearing my soul to everyone - thought I'd throw this out there too!
In high school, I didn't really know what to believe as far as religion went. I believed in god - but not necessarily organized religion. Through the years I "tried on" different religions but nothing felt right. I was a happy agnostic - in terms of I believed in god, but not church.

With the loss of Keiran, it really made me question god. How can you not in that type of situation? I held fast to my belief though.

Recently, there have been some events in my life that have once again made me question his existance.

One day, in my heart, I accepted the fact that I no longer believed. I just couldn't. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I thought I would feel peaceful, happy - instead I felt guilt, betrayal and anger. I was told to give it time, that it would get better.
It has. It's weird in a way, I guess because the vast majority believe in god, in some way. All my friends do. Luckily, I have some great friends and when I "came out of the closet" they still loved me. They talked openly with me about their beliefs (not shoving god down my throat) and told me that they loved me no matter what. I think that made this transition easier.

It's always hard to go against the "norm" - and god is the norm. And, it's hard to give up something you've believed in for most of your life.

But, I'm a peace with my decision. I'm happy that I don't feel the "pressure" I felt before.

I'm happy that I'm a good person because it feels good, not because it's what god wants me to do.

I have deep respect for other peoples faith. I only hope they have respect for my choice, being true to my heart.

So, I'm an athiest! (there, I'm REALLY out of the closet now!)

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I'm such a hypocrite.

I didn't breastfeed Arianna - now I'm all about nursing and find myself judging other moms who don't try. That's SO wrong. It's mean and judgemental. I wish I would stop already. I don't have the right to have an opinion.

I've always been anti-CIO. I've honestly never judged those that took that path, because I never had a baby that needed it. Now, I'm seriously contemplating it. The very thought makes my tummy hurt. I don't want her to cry. I want her to know that I'm there for her.

Being a mommy really sucks sometimes.

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In case someone out there cares what I have to go through to get my 5 month old to sleep.

It begins when I pick up her tired cues.

I pick her up, and commence a rocking, sushing, patting routine. She'll fight me - this includes screaming, scratching, hair pulling and arching her back - for 5-15 minutes.
Once the fighting stops, we continue the rsp routine, for anywhere from 10-30 minutes. I then stop the sushing, but continue the patting and rocking. If she starts to fuss, move or cry the sushing starts again for another 5 minutes or so. Then I stop the patting - continuing the rocking. Again, if she cries or fusses, I start all over again with the rsp. If no fussing for a few minutes, I'll stop the rocking, and wait another 5 minutes.

Here's the hard part - actually putting her down.

I gently get up and take baby steps to where I'm going to lay her down for her nap (prepared well ahead of time). If she startles or cries, I sit back down and pat some more. If she doesn't, I very, very gently attempt to lay her down. This is pretty tricky - she's a very light sleeper and doesn't like to be put down at all - it also involves untangling her hand from my hair.

When she gets down, she cries (no matter what). 50% of the time, I can pat her bottom and shush her and she'll drift off - the rest of the time, I have to pick her back up and start the WHOLE routine all over again - but it usually takes a little less time all the way around.

Once she's asleep, I'm still not safe. I ALWAYS have to shush/pat several times before I hear "the sigh" signaling that she's truly asleep.

Even then I'm lucky if I get 30 minutes out of her.

All told, I spend 1-2 hours PER NAP doing this. Sometimes I give up and try again a few minutes later. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just have to laugh. She naps 3 times a day. On a good day that's 3 hours to get her to sleep maybe 2. Seems wrong.

And, remember I'm doing this while attempting to keep up a house and take care of a 2.5 year old. It feels like a bad comedy that you can't help but laugh at.

I've considered using the CIO method - but my heart is so against it. My head tells me it's probably what needs to happen, but I know I have to be 100% committed for it to work.

Part of me wonders if I'm totally screwing her up - if I'm setting her up to have miserable sleep habits for the rest of her life.

[FONT=Tahoma]She's my baby though, and nothing feels more right than rocking her to sleep. [/FONT]

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I'm SO over the "terrible twos"

When I try to explain to people how hard she is to parent, I get the "well, she's two". Right, I know how old she is. But, can you honestly tell me that most two year olds get so upset about getting their hair washed that they throw up?

Probably not.

Being her mother is a struggle. Daily. Most days I don't like it. I hate feeling that way, but that's the honest truth. I am not enjoying her right now. Sometimes she makes me SO angry that it scares me. I wouldn't hurt her (should go without saying), but it's a scary feeling being that angry with a child.

I'm probably not a great mother. I struggle with that, but I do my best. I'm not a touchy feely kinda person - she is. She's always hugging and kissing me. Most of the time I'm fine with it, I even enjoy it - but sometimes it's too much. I need some space. I can't take her living up my a*s.

Then there is the issue of my bedroom. It's MY sanctuary. My space. The only place in the house that's not full of kid/baby stuff. She loves to lay in my bed. I get that - but it bothers me. I've started refusing her. She's all but ruined my comforter with juice, cheese, etc stains. I like my comforter. I don't like waking up and stepping on toys. I don't like my personal things messed with. Maybe that makes me a b*tch, but at least I'm an honest b*tch.

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So yesterday I put my big-girl-mommy panties on and decided to put all my effort into potty training. I KNOW she's smart enough - she's just too stubborn.

Here was my plan:

"throw away" all her diapers
hang a "chart" (blank piece of paper) on the fridge which she can put a sticker on with a successful potty trip
set out dum dums - one of which she can have with each successful potty trip
set out a christmas gift (baby princess) that she can have if she doesn't have an accident all day long

Within two hours we had our first successful potty trip. I was delirious with excitement! But, I ended up having to take Pia to the clinic for a cold, and didn't yet trust she would use a public restroom, so on went the pull up. She did tell me when she had to potty, but refused to use the big toilet. Later that night at home, she had an accident.

First thing this AM she tore her diaper off and asked for panties. Within minutes she had another successful potty trip! We danced, hugged, flushed the pee pee bye bye, got a sucker, and a sticker!

Then, another accident - and most recently another successful potty trip! So, even though this is my first potty training experience, I think it's going really well. I'm very proud of her!!! Not to mention estatic not to change her diaper anymore.

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