Taking a brief break from the page I am working on. Brian will be at work until at least 11 tonight as Dave has a big piece to work on That sucks. So does finding out he doesn't get any time off tomorrow...no getting out early, or day off. Like anyone is going to show up! It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't get halloween off, and get the Superbowl day off, but man, can't do anything for Easter. God forbid someone have a family with kids who care! I almost want to cry thinking about how many memories are created without him.I told him one day...non custodial parents see their kids more. In jest I said I should divorce him so he would be forced to spend time with them on weekends and holidays. I probably hurt him with that one, but it hurts me that his job is in the way of his relationship with his kids. He doesn't see the impact yet, but it will hit him hard when the kids start showing indifference later. There is a Harry Chapin song(redone by Ugly Kid Joe) called Cats in the Cradle...too fitting
I have the front door open and the rain keeps pattering on the porch, and the sweet smell of spring keeps wafting in to taunt me. I love the rain, maybe even more than sunshine I love a spring rain. When I was 15 I was living in Bay City MI and there was a flooding rain. It was so warm, big fat warm drops that actually stung when they hit. The streets were filled to my knees and I was out dancing in the streets, feeling so free. I had a babydoll dress on that was sticking to me like paper, my hair was plastered to my cheeks, and I was just spinning and laughing and feeling for all the world as though I were free of all bad things at the moment. My best friend thought I was crazy. Maybe I was. She came trudging along in her raincoat and umbrella to get me, and when she touched me I fell back to reality and just started sobbing. Standing in a giant puddle with my tears mingling with the rain, and laughing still through the wracking painful sobs. She didn't know what to do, so she left. I walked for a couple hours that day in the rain...dealing with thoughts of suicide and joy and feeling so very mixed up. This was one week after my mom left my dad. When I finally went home I was so cold, and sore from trudging about in wet shoes and deep water. The next day was so normal it was in a way scarier than the plethora of emotions that had overcome me the day before. I was a whirlwind, and things went spiralling down from there.
Wow...remembering things is so physically draining. I can feel all the past inside me, kept safe in a secret chamber. Names and faces float in their, and I peek in every now and then, but I always keep the door closed. What would be the point in opening it? The past is gone, good for looking at with a melancholy fondness, nothing else.
I remember Pat and Pat2, Aric's friends. The spiked Kool-Aid I wouldn't drink, and how everyone made fun of me for it. I cried...I wanted to fit in but I was not about to touch alchohol.
I remember how Aric gave Andrea(my supposed best friend) a picture of hmself after we broke up that said" Dria, to the only girl I wish I met before her friend" I was so crushed to read that. It still hurts today to think that someone could dislike me so much they would try to hurt me like that. Especially over sex. He always tried every trick in the book to guilt me into sex."Allysa did this with me...she was a Good Girlfriend, she really cared about my wants, not just her self" "You don't trust me. Your words mean nothing, you never prove that you love me" The pain of what he did will probably never really go away, just fade slowly with more time. It is because of Aric I never could see why Brian would choose to be with and stay with me. Because of Aric I was desperate to prove to Brian that I did want to stay with him. I still feel guilty that I slept with him only 1 month after we started going together. Looking back I was so naive, so weak. I love myself for changing though. I love that I love who I am now!
WHew...I should get back to the scrapping. I feel good getting so much accomplished I can envision the day i give the kids their albums...a wedding day, or maybe a baby's birth.I actually want to have old fashioned chests made, cedar ones with their names or maybe just initials, and fill it with special memories form their childhoods. I have all their carter blankies that I got for their coming home outfits. Each one is different
What a happy morning The kids woke up so eager to get downstairs and see their baskets...to see if the bunny really did come. Brian was a dolt and kept saying to give him one more minute! lol, he doesn't understand that one minute is like an hour to the kids today. So finally, at 8 we headed downstairs. The kids were so excited at the baskets, and the signed note the bunny left, right next to a pile of half eaten carrots Trinity ran to the fridge and saw the bag laying open and shouted that he went in OUr fridge to get them! Lol. While the kids enjoyed their books and new bath toys I made some pancakes and fresh oj. We had a nice breakfast together, then the kids got to discover the eggs in the front yard. I think they were amazed...not only baskets with treats, but eggs filled with candy! We hopped in the van after that and went to Walmart for some little things for dinner. Brian is at work now, Logan is napping, and the kids are playing out back with their eggs. After he gets home and we eat Easter dinner he is taking Trinity and Christian to the carnival down the street. I am going to take Gavin and Logan to the playground by the school. The crowds at carnivals really are too much for me, and I think Gavin will have more fun this way.
Today I plan to get the floor done on the 3rd floor. Finally get the rest of the paint up from it Then I want to hit some laundry, get the rest of the winter clothes put away, and get the playroom in order. The iguana is getting moved permanantly to the sunroom for the rest of the spring and summer. I am so excited that he is looking so much better In fact, i am going to give him some watermelon to eat later as a treat.
Anyway, i am in a great get things done mood.
Why am I so tired all of a sudden? Argg!!! Lol, just wanted an excuse to sit down for a minute...I need to eat some fruit and jump back into it!
The refinance assesors just left. They were really nice! Two very chatty older men, and I doubt there will be any problem witht he refinance.
Here is my handywork for yesterday:
Okay...here is a before pic:
Pretty bad,huh? Well here is what i did to it! I love how it turned out, and I am not even done yet, still have to grout it.
Any other Trading Spaces fans may recognize the idea I think Gen did it in season 2...can't recall for sure, it may have even been hilde??? Anyhow, that was what I spent hours on yesterday!
I am really excited that this project turned out so nicely. Brian's mom showed up last night while I was working on it...at least I was busy so i didn't really have to talk to her. Brian and her watched Saving PVT Ryan while I did the fireplace. I was trying to hide my tears as I heard the movie. I was a little unhappy, as Brian knows there is a reason i haven't ever watched that movie. War and all it's realities imo are not made for entertainment. While i commend the recognition factor it really bothers me. I already envision war, and it is even more gruesome than the movie portrays. The movie is over faster than the shortest battle. It took people longer to die than it did to watch the whole movie plus credits and extras. That bothers me. So I was keeping my back to the tv, but still had to hear it and fight the lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes. I know I am extremely empathetic, and sometimes that makes simple things hard. Then...Brian's mom started saying some really stupid things and I had to really bite my tongue to keep from blasting her stupidity. I did say a few things that just kinda slipped out, but for the most part let her spew that garbage and tried to ignore her.
Anyhow...my next project is probably going to be renting a buffer and attacking the floors in the house, then staining the downstairs ones a cherry, the second floor is in good shape just needs polished, and the thrid floor just needs to get the paint off it, and it is a beautiful deep wood colour.
Then I have paint pens to decorate Trinity's room with. I am going to do flowers and faieires all around the room.
I am hoping at the renn faire I can find a red and black celtic bedspread! That would be so cool.
I am off to lay down, my head has been hurting, my eyes don't focus so well today, and I just kinda feel weird. Maybe the early morning seizure(just a little one, but it still messes with me")
Wendy,Mama to Trinity(9), Christian(, Gavin(7), Logan(5), ,Griffon(3), and Jubilee Faith born Jan 07!
How odd, my post counts are going down???
Anyhow, it is quiet here...everyone is in bed and Brian is not home yet. I had a rough day that turned into a great night. We did some fun crafts , read a bunch of books(and Trinity read to me for some of them! I love hearing her say the words so hesitantly...it sounds so sweet to know she is really reading them now) and danced around like goofs
Logan was cruising the entertainment center and let go and stepped to me. I am so mixed...how exciting! and how sad and scary that my last baby is so close to walking! I don't want to be done with the baby stage...my whole being is fighting this. I want to do it again, but I know Brian is almost at the point where he wants to be done.It is so tempting to get on the female reproductive factors pill again...I just know I would be pregnant within 2 months if I did. I can't do that though...for one thing the pills cost 25 per bottle, and Brian doesn't want me to take them(despite being reassured that they do not increase the chance of multiples he thinks I will have twins if I do)(btw, i would love twins)
I am so craving choclate right now...but it has to be something good. I want cream puffs or eclairs, or some rasperry choclate cookies. Omg I am so hungry. :P
Logan is up
My dishwasher has been installed! The first load of dishes is quietly being washed as i sit here beaming The other awesome thing about today is the new addition to the family...Arthur the sugar glider! He is awesome!!! So attached already, not fiesty at all.I wanted to get a pair, but we are going to do one for now. We will carry him alot, and I don't think it will be a problem...the research I have done says they should be in pairs if they can't get the attention they need from a human on a daily basis. Anyhow, he is adorable! So soft. He is enjoying the sunroom(all darkened, they are nocturnal). I gave him some banana and he lapped at it for so long Peed on Trinity already too
Tornadoe weather today, that yellowish tint to the sky.Ack, the okc tornadoe really shook my world, and while I am calm and collected inside I still hurt from it. I know it ties into my ppd after Christian, but the feelings run deep.
I am so extremely pysched to meet Marie and her family next month! The Renn Faire is coming up!!! I am ordering a new dress from ebay, I hardly ever buy clothes for me, but this is special! I want to look nice Brian's birthday is that day, and I want it to be magickal!
I am feeling a need to grow with God. I talked to Marie about it alot, and I just need that bond back. Not that I lost it, but I have been stronger before, and don't want to settle for less. She reminded me of one of the most powerful testimonies in the Bible...the part where Abraham, though saddened and sickened at the thought was willing to give his son to God. That had such an impact on me always...at the time I didn't know that complete faith. Anyone who has felt it knows what I mean, it is a willingness to wlak off the face of the world forever. It is the faith that allowed Jesus to be crucified and okay with it. The other amazing faith in the Bible came in an unassuming way...there was a Roman soldier at the foot of the cross when God blackened the sky. He looked up at the sky and saw the miraculous sight and looked at Jesus and said" Surely he is the son of a God" The reason that simple statement is so strong is this: the soldier did not believe in God. He believed in multiple Gods, and when he saw the reaction to the death of Christ he knew that he was looking upon a deity. He did not recognize him, but he knew that only a God would react that way. Some things just hit the heart and shed light to the meaning at the perfect time!
I am going to type a quick entry then do some sit ups I am loving that my waist is getting smaller, but I want that toneness back as well. I told Brian last night that I can feel myself getting a bit more dumb after each year, that I am terrified that the seizures are really destroying my brain slowly and I am going to end up childlike. He got tears in his eyes as he told me it wouldn't happen, but I know he is afraid that that may be something that is happening. Not quickly thankfully, but happening nonetheless.
I am so happy, I think we found a church! We were on our way home from Walmart(had to get fruit nectar for Arthur ) and went the country route. We passed a fairly large church building and I saw the sign with their hours...a 10am service and a 7:30pm service! We could do either of those! Almost every church here has a 10:30/11am service and 6pm service, neither of which we can do. So we will get up and do it this Sunday...I really hope this is it for us, I feel so wrong and alone without a church family. I will know it is right if there is a spot in the childrens ministry open...I miss that sooo much from Tulsa. I know my heart is led to minister to young kids, and that I am good at it. I love seeing the wonder of not only the world through their eyes, but the wonder of God. My favourite lesson is taking an egg to explain the Trinity...3 parts of 1 egg.It helps make a very abstract is=dea seem concrete for them until they are older and able to fathom deeper thought.
I am getting laundry done today still. It will feel good to have a bunch done at the end of the night. Lol...I always do a load of towels or blankets every 3rd load because I need the break and they are so easy to put away The little things that rae quirky to make the day easier.
My dishwasher is awesome! I love that I can throw dishes in and have them clean themselves as I do something else!!!
Anyhow...time to do some situps! I can do it! I want to be better in one month...it is a realistic objective if I work hard.
Brian is at a movie with Dave I am really glad he went, he needs to get some fun every now and again. I told him he should go to Waffle House or IHOP afterwards, but he said he will probably just come home. I cleaned a little extra because I am guessing Dave will come with him.
Poor Christian...I was crying with him today. While playing outside he stepped on a piece of glass(where it came from I do not know!). It was a big piece, and in there deep. I tried to get it out and he screamed bloody murder. I called Brian home because there was no way I could get it out. He came home and basically I had to hold Christian(and sing to him/soothe him/wipe his tears) as Brian tried to get it out. At one point he screamed "I'm sorry Mommy, make Daddy stop!!!" I was crying so hard As soon as Bri got the glass out though he sat up and said "All better!" We gave him a fruitsnack pack and he is all good now, but oh my heart broke at his pain.I really felt like I was going to be sick when he begged me to make daddy stop
Anyhow, I am tired, my eyes hurt. I am off to play with Arthur before bed
Rainy days...seems like an extra amount of them this year. I heard the frogs singing last night thoguh before the lightning storms, so that was nice
Arthur went on our morning errands with us. I wrapped him in an old cloth diaper and he just slept away, occasionally making little chirping noises. He is so sweet.
Anyhow, today we are going to do alot of reading and then I want to get the third floor going again. I need to measure so I can half panel the walls, then get the rest painted/muralled.
Brian got home from his movie last night and I was sleeping. I vaguely recall him talking to me...he said I was saying some silly things. Lol, all my life I have sleepwalked and talked. Pretty funny in a way.
The state is attempting to revamp the tattoo piercing laws, which really changes nothing except adding another hundred dollar fee in Now there will be a county fee, city fee, and state fee.
I am really excited to try this new church out! I hope it works out well!
Okay, I will updateagain later.
Wendy,Mama to Trinity(9), Christian(, Gavin(7), Logan(5), ,Griffon(3), and Jubilee Faith born Jan 07!
So I am crampy and chowing choclotae...please let af be on her way!
The kids have been watching Strawberry shortcake and Hello Kitty for 3 days in a row It totally cracks me up that they like the oldies We have quite a cool collection of shows!
This weather is definately making me sluggish. I need some sunshine! Warm weather! Bring it on baby!
I think tomorrow I am going to get Brian to take me to Lowes to get paneling for upstairs. I could get it done while he is at work That would shock him,lol, I have been doing all the home jobs lately. I still want to get some planters with big blooms for the porch. Darn money..i hate that it isn't a never ending source The week has been slow for Brian, 2 days he had zero piercings even, which is unusual for April. I am going to try to sell some stuff on Ebay. I am trying not to regret getting my dress...I never buy clothes for me, and this is really pretty, but at the same time I hate spending that much
Nana just called A pleasant conversation! She will be doing a senior bus trip to Mississippi next month, sounds like fun! If I live to be a senior I want to do all those bus trips all over the country...right up my alley :P