WOOHOO! I can now say I have started my journal. There is so much going on and I need somewhere I can come and get it all out without worrying about hurting anyone's feelers, etc.
I am Kim... married, and have 3 little men who are almost 6, 8, and almost 10. I have have 2 losses since November 2011. And today, I can cross starting my journal off my list of things I need to do.
I shall return.
I have this tendency to be a perfectionist, and I wish I wasn't. I have all these standards, and rules, and expectations, and I want to get things done, my way, in my time which is really never soon enough.
Um, yesterday I ate almost a quarter jar of PB. We will just say the day was a fail all the way around. I had crazy stress with DS3, homework being due, pressure at work about my medical leave I was on, and I cried the entire 2 hour drive home last night after working a 12 hour day. It was madness.
Other than yesterday, I have been eating great but having hard time getting it all into MFP. I just have not had a moment to breath with everything going on and I am feeling the pressure.
This am, I got to enjoy moms and muffins with DS2. DS3 acted up and the school called Dad so I wouldn't have to miss the event with DS2. I was so grateful. He made me a special book all about me and my likes, and dislikes. I swear that kid is so amazing. He really knows me. I recommended DH read the book later, lol. And I shared my muffin with DS so I wouldn't be a million calories in by 9 am.
I think that we ladies are all probably a little hard on ourselves at times, and I think we need to take time to remember this weekend that we are all awesome. Not even because it is Mother's day, but really because I bet we just don't do it often enough.
Um, tomorrow am, we are supposed to run a 5k. Before then, I still need to finish out the work day today, have class chat at 7pm, have a 25 question quiz after that, 2+ hour drive home thanks to traffic, and dinner and sleep. I am not giving up. I will get it done, and I will run at least half of the event without stopping. I want to do this for me.
I guess this all really comes down to I have a million commitments that are just not flexible. And I hate to let anyone down. But what happens when I am just disappointed in me because I give my all ALL the time and then just crash.
Last night, I turned down DH for nookie. Yeah, me, wth?!?! That just doesn't happen in our house. I am NEVER home so when I am, I am usually jumping on DH like that night may be our last. This happened once last weekend as well. Luckily he woke up in the same mood and decided to wake me up, but I honestly considered saying leave me alone. I can tell my mind is in overdrive when I turn down intimacy.
Well yesterday my family ran our first 5K together. It was so amazing. My DH has been training for months since he has a marathon coming up, my I had only gotten one run in last weekend. On that trial run, I made it 1.58 miles and thought I was dying. Yesterday, I ran the entire 5K, yes the whole thing, without stopping. There was a moment where I did not think I was going to be able to make it, but my DH started telling me how good I would feel about myself. And he is right, I felt so damn good. The really interesting thing was that my DS3 (who is turning 6 tomorrow) ran the entire thing in around 22 minutes. I was in awe. He was the only one in his age group to run the entire event in less than 30 minutes and he was literally running with the main leaders of the event. DS 1 ran pretty close with DH and I and he made it in around 36 minutes, then DH and I made it in 38:53, and DS2 was flirty with girls and made it in 52 minutes. LOL.
Happy Mother’s Day to all…
I weighed in this am at 130… as compared to 127.8 I think last Sunday. I was disappointed by this, but I ate a fair amount of peanut butter this week, so maybe that was it. Yesterday I was at 128 and really thought I would be that today… but nope. I am trying not to let it get me down.
My hcg levels were around 57 last Tuesday. I am hoping they are down to 0 by this Tuesday’s test. Technically we are not supposed to TTC until mid-June so I am trying to figure out when to stop taking my birth control and resume temping etc. And it is hard to figure out. They don’t want you getting pg until at least 60 days after the metho injections, but it took us 5 months to get pg w/ the first loss, and then another 4 months to get pg with the second loss. It isn’t like I think things will happen quickly… but I guess you never know.
On another thought, I am really struggling with some issues at work. Basically I missed a few weeks when I was having the metho injections to treat the ectopic pregnancy. I was able to be on FMLA and I thought everything was fine. Well, one of my co-workers (who I used to call a friend) no longer thinks I am an appropriate fit for the office because I want to have another child. Nevermind the fact that I already have 3 sons. Does my being a mom affect my job? You know, I am sure it does a small bit, but my performance has always been stellar. I have never had anyone doubt my abilities before.
Lots of things going on this past few weeks, well always, I guess. Between my work/commute schedule, DHs work schedule plus reserve duty, and the kids school/martial arts schedule, I feel like I am juggling a million balls and they are all at risk of crashing down on top of me. On top of everyone as I carry all the responsibility for things.
Yesterday, I had a Dr appt. My hcg level was finally down to 4.58… only took just under a month to get down to there. My appt was good and bad. My Dr would prefer we wait until July to TTC but he knows damn well that DH and I won’t… especially since it took 5 months to get pregnant the first time and 4 months to get pregnant the second time. We will be scheduling an HSG for July 2 it appears. I went ahead and took off my birth control patch yesterday. My BBs have been hurting for days and I was just over it. Now, I guess I just wait for AF to come. Yesterday I had a long drive and I was really wondering about having another baby. I almost talked myself out of it. Today, I just don’t have a firm yes or no. The hsg will show if there is still a mass in my tubes… and if the mass remains, the Dr would like to do surgery to remove the mass and my tube. Since that is my only functioning tube, we would lose our ability to get pregnant in the future unless we try IVF. I truly don’t see that as an option financially for us, but I guess there is always a chance… yeah, if we win the lottery?
My step daughter was in a car accident on Mother’s day with her mom… her mom was drunk. Dumb a** people, drunk driving is not okay. She is fine, a bit sore, and her dumb mom went to the hospital but apparently is fine and is putting herself into outpatient rehab... Yeah... this is her third round of rehab- DH is still paying off the $30k for the first flipping rehab he put her through. DH wants DSD to come and live with us. This is whole other story in itself and DH and I are barely talking now.
I just wanted to offer a helpful resource if you're going to become a FT stepmom. I'm a SM of two DSD's. It's not easy, and it takes a lot of grace to do so. http://www.stepparentingwithgrace.com/ I'm rooting for you guys!
Ryan and Rachael
Parents to Chase, Abby, Hunter, Rachel, Caleb, Hannah & Nate
~Remembering sweet baby Oliver, born to Heaven October 20, 2009, & keeping Carole in our prayers~
I am in a funk lately, it seems. I am frustrated and mad about everything and nothing all at the same time. I just cannot seem to stay focused on things and am feeling mean about it all. Towards everyone.
My body: AF finally came… and I suddenly jumped from 127.8 up to 132.5. I normally go up a little for a few days and then back to my normal. If AF is behaving herself, she should be gone soon. Lately my periods have been 2 days or so, tops. This month is completely different. I have been bleeding off and on since Sunday. And every time I think it is over, I have a messy surprise. I am not going to complain because it may just be the effects of the metho on my system. I don’t know. What I do know is that I am extremely tired, crampy, and STARVING. I have been behaving and trying to eat really well, and still the scale keeps creeping further up. I am debating asking my Dr to check my thyroid levels again, because I am wondering if after this ectopic if my levels are not where they should be. Poor DH, I have barely wanted to do anything but sleep if I am at home.
Biggest loser… I joined the Biggest Loser Challenge. I really suck. I am always late getting my points posted. I have a hard time going there and posting for support. Not because I don’t want to but because most times I am literally rushing from the minute I wake up until I finally fall asleep. I am never alone… it is work, school, kids at home, kids at my house I stay at during the week. Argh, I just feel like I can’t keep up. And I want to, I need that support from other ladies and I need to give that support to get it back.
Home: So DH has decided to file for full custody of his daughter… my step daughter. It is like this messy little situation where I do not want her in danger (ever), but when I think about her living with us, I don’t have the warm fuzzies. We don’t have a great relationship. We may tolerate each other. She came and spent last weekend with us. DH was seriously pissing me off as I was driving home from picking her up because he wanted to know if I was talking to her. No, I was not. I was driving. I had already worked an 8 hour day and was then sitting in traffic for 4 hours so your daughter could spend a weekend with us… I tried hard to contain my bad attitude. The weekend went okay. We had a few moments where I was snappy, but she can learn to deal with it. DH tried to lecture me that he and his ex-wife were not snappy with her and she wasn’t used to it, but I let him know I am not changing “me” to suit “her”. I was relieved when we took her home. DH is moving forward with filing and I am just sitting in the background keeping my thoughts to myself …
DS stuff: In case I forgot to write about this last time, DS3’s Dr told us that now instead of leaning towards ADD/ADHD he is thinking he has a mood stabilizing issue and that we need to contact the psychiatrist to get him on meds. It is a SLOW process. Made slower by my frustration in not knowing whether DH will get a civilian job and whether this Dr will take the other insurance over the Tri-Care we already have and what will happen if he does not get job and we switch to Reserve Select again. I guess that went from a DS concern right into an insurance concerns which weighs heavily on me since I, too, am losing a Dr who has been a complete godsend to me over the past year. DS3’s behavior has taken a turn for the positive though lately, I am so glad I can say that.
We have enrolled DS1 and 3 in a day summer camp. This will be the first summer in… oh 9 years that my DS’s have stayed with DH and I. They normally get tossed around from grandparents to grandparents and sometimes my sister. This year, I just couldn’t handle the idea of them being away. Which makes no sense because I am rarely home anyway. DS2 is going to his dad’s. I am sad, but his dad is a good day and they need to have a relationship so he’s going. DS1 and 3 will join DS2 for 1 week at the very beginning of summer, and 2 weeks July, and then 1 week before school starts in August so I guess it really is not that bad.
School: Is going… I am in my 2nd Masters class right now. It actually is not nearly as hard as I had prepared myself for it to be. Basically I can get my masters with minimal cost (books) as long as I continue to work here at the University. I sometimes wish that we had endless money and I could get my masters no matter where I worked, but I know I do not want to go a penny further into debt than I already am.
Work: I just am not really ready to talk about things. I will say that since I have returned from my medical leave that my boss and I have a new understanding of each other and our work flow is going much smoother and for the first time in months I really feel as if I am being productive and useful to him. Good thing to feel when you are the EA.
TTC: Ugh, well, I am temping. It hasn’t been consistent as before but I hold out hope that my body will figure out what the heck it is doing.
I forgot to talk about my running.
I am running to have "me" time and think things over. I write in my head while I run, I think.
I got in 3.5 miles last Saturday, Sunday, and again Tuesday. I have plans to try for the same tonight, but we shall see how I am feeling after work tonight. I don't want to think that way, I want to think, I WILL GO, I WILL CONQUER, ETC. lol
I didn't go and run. My ankle has temporarily won the battle as it is hugely swollen and the pain is getting worse.
ARGH this post is about not fitting in. I just don't fit in the boxes I need to sometimes. So, because of DH's job (which was supposed to be a year assignment) we were PCS'ed and now DH has fallen in love with the area and wants to stay living there forever and ever and ever. Yeah, forever. Well, I kept my job because I make decent money AND because I can go to school for free for my Masters which means no more racking up student debt. This means my job is 1 hour and 45 minutes one way (and that is if there is no traffic) from home. I stay with a friend most nights... she lives about 35 minutes and a toll bridge away but I spend way less in gas going to her house than I would going home each night. Been doing this since last July... I guess.
But I just don't fit. I don't feel like I fit at my friends house, lol, there are 8 people living under that roof, plus me sometimes. It is loud, and loving, and I just love seeing what a normal family is like. Maybe because I am not home getting to be with my family. But I still don't fit 100% and I hate feeling like I am in the way.
But then when I go home, I don't fit there anymore either because they have developed their own schedules and ways of doing things. Differently than how it was when I was home, you know? So then when I get home, there is a million things always needing taking care of because no one besides me can do them... I guess. It is always hard to go home and find messes and such because then I need to spend my time dealing with the messes, the mail, the list goes on and on. No one else can put things on the grocery list but they can all complain when I don't buy something we are out of.
I guess this whole post is nothing but a pity party vent. I just am feeling really frustrated. I planned a short weekend away for the holiday around what DH wanted (a trip to see his mother, who I do not get along with). Now he is upset with me because I gave him a list of honey dos. On the list was to be ready for loving on me tonight. He texted me to tell me that he will be too tired after he does all the honey dos. Seriously, there was nothing extreme on my list. Had the kids been home, I am sure they would have been stuck doing a bit of it, which I then re-do because I have higher standards than DH. But whatever. So I tell him fine, we don't need loving and don't worry about my list. I can handle it whenever I get home. Which will be late as it is a holiday weekend and the last holiday weekend I drove home, it literally took me 5 hours in traffic.
So yes, I want to work a 9 hour day, and then fight traffic for a minimum of 2 hours (but likely 4-5), then whenever I finally get home do the things on the honey do list. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RR I was so looking to this little weekend away and just having a break from home. I feel like driving home, getting my boys, and going on a surprise weekend. The kind where you get in the car and just drive... just get the hell out here and stop when something looks fun.
Maybe some time in the future, we might have a chat on the phone, you and I.
On your DSD. Think of your goal to be her friend and not her mom for right now. Keep in mind that you're never going to feel the way toward her that you will toward your bio children. That means it takes extra grace and forgiveness on your part. We bond with our babies by snuggling with them and caring for them. Believe it or not, that's how we bond with our SD's, too. Find out her love language and speak it. Spending that time with her and nurturing a friendship with her will pay off in the end. I know it's not easy. I'm still walking the road, hon. My DSD's are 8 and 11, but most people never know that I'm not their mom and that we're a blended family. It's the same struggle my DH and my boys. I go through the whole not really liking my DSD's sometimes, but they live with us 24/7 b/c their mom isn't in the picture. She really needs you right now, and you will honor your husband in developing that relationship.
On the weight loss, if you'd like an accountability partner, I'll volunteer. I'm losing my last final baby weight and have about 50 pounds to go.
Go get the boys and hang with them, mama. I'm praying for you guys. If it helps you to know this, you're not alone in your struggles. (HUGS)
Ryan and Rachael
Parents to Chase, Abby, Hunter, Rachel, Caleb, Hannah & Nate
~Remembering sweet baby Oliver, born to Heaven October 20, 2009, & keeping Carole in our prayers~
My TTC: I think I am o’ing now. Looks like last week, it was a fluke? I don’t know. I sure wish I had O’ed last week as the BD timing was better, but maybe things aren’t meant to be. I guess we will know in a few weeks. I showed my Healthy Hopefuls friends my tests and they said it looked like I geared up to O last week and didn’t for some reason, but think this is the real thing now. I sure hope so. I would love to get pg this month… I really think this is our last month in. DH is tired of trying, and of the loss that has comes both times we have gotten pg. He wants me to get fixed (again) and be done with this stage of our lives. Hard choice, but I want to have a happy husband so looks like he may win the battle if we do not get pg this month.
FOOD: I started a juicing fast yesterday, well kind of. I had juice for breakfast and snacks yesterday. We had a wing picnic for lunch so I ate a hamburger there, but at least I avoided the cookies and soda. Then for dinner we had this amazing turkey tenderloin that was SO delicious, and corn on the cob, and watermelon. I am trying pretty hard to get into the habit of pushing fruits and veggies. Today I am on my second juice now, I actually really like it. I don’t know that I will be able to stick to my goal, but we shall see. All fruits and veggies for the next 6 days is my goal. I will try not to babble on about it. I am not planning on only juice though; I will probably still eat steamed veggies or something. I don’t know. I forgot to mention I started this because of the movie called…. Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. Also at fatsickandnearlydead.com
DSS: my step-daughter started therapy last week. She has been pretty quiet about it, so not sure what it up. If we ask her how it went, she says “Fine” with her normal teenage attitude. DH is wavering on filing full custody at the moment because he thinks it will be a waste since he was planning on letting her live with her grandparents to finish out her 8th grade year with her friends she has had since 1st grade at her private school. I am not offering much of an opinion on it at this point. I think when DH is ready to talk, he will let me know.
WEEKEND: Had a great weekend with my kiddos. My sister, niece, and nephews were up visiting and that was actually horrible… and I am so disappointed by it. I know this is long and blah, but I need to let it out. To start with, Sister showed up 3 hours after her given ETA. DH had made a huge spaghetti dinner and gone all out with homemade sauce, etc. She didn’t even really apologize when she got there. He helped her get kids and suitcases unloaded and brought inside. She didn’t thank him.
I finally made it in from work around 10ish pm. I had been up since 5 am, had worked until 3 and then gone to work offsite at our college commencement, and then had a 2 hour commute home and I had not had a bite to eat since 12 noon. I walked in the door starving but happy to see my sister and the kiddos. She was on her 5th drink. In fairness, DH and I do normally have alcohol in the house, but we maybe have 1-2 a night… 1 or 2 times a week. We are not big drinkers. She was getting loud and I was tired. I ate, got all 7 kids tucked in for the night and went to bed. I should add her that my sister used to be a drug/alcohol addict for years… she finally got clean 8 years ago… she seems to have fallen off the wagon though.
The next morning, we headed shopping to get food for homemade pizza making. She was putting quite a lot of food into the cart, saying how things are so much cheaper here than at home. I didn’t comment, figuring she was paying for things herself. She also went and got 3 6 packs of alcohol. At this point, I was irritated because there was no way in the remaining 2 nights of her stay that she would be able to drink all that (or so I thought). After getting a swim suit, diapers, etc., we finally make it to the check out where she hands me $80 and walks out to the car. I got stuck with over $150 AFTER paying her $80 which didn’t even cover what she had bought. I get out to the car to find she gave her baby chocolate in my car. I drive a new car and even my kids can’t eat in my car. I was upset but stayed calm as I took baby out of the car and handed her to my sister. I explained my rules (again). She was mad I made them stand in the hot sun instead of air conditioning but I didn’t offer an exception. We got home around 11am and after unloading the car, she popped open a beer.
At this point, I was pissed. I took it away and told her that we had plans to take kids to the pool and we both had to drive (needed enough room for 7 kids plus us 2). I could tell she was irritated, but I don’t let people drink and drive at my house. I fed all the kids’ lunch and we headed to the pool. We get there and she has no cash. Luckily there was an ATM right around the corner so I took her there. I wasn’t getting stuck paying the bill considering I had just blown my grocery budget on her junk. So she gets cash, we get to pool. She stands back acting as if she is waiting for me to pay. I made a point of loudly ordering just my family pass for the year and she got the hint.
Once inside, she complained the entire time. About the sun, the water temperature, the fact she didn’t like snacks I had brought, the kids were too loud. Couldn’t we just have stayed home so she could have a drink?? Really?!?!!? No, I brought kids to the pool for fun and I plan on having fun with them regardless of your complaints. Finally DH (who had shown up at pool) is sick of her whining and we head for home. As soon as we get there, she is drinking again. I get the cars cleaned out, wet suits and towels all washing, and start making dinner. She complains…. Repeatedly about everything. Finally around 7pm, she is pretty toasted and says she is going to lie down and get baby to sleep. I went into the room she was staying in and baby is crying, my sister is being terrible in her words to the baby because she won’t sleep. I grabbed her and said I needed pull-ups for my DS3 and would take baby to see if she would fall asleep in car. She did… I brought her home and put her in bed. … I found my sister on the front porch with more beer. I went and sat with her for about an hour.
I tried seeing what is going on and she went on and on about how we must think she is ungrateful for being this way towards baby. I said yes, actually I do think that. It was a pretty bad conversation with her giving excuses like she has never bonded with the baby etc. I literally was fuming. She knows about my losses and how hard it has been, and she wants to treat her daughter like phooey. DH finally took me to bed because I was shaking in anger and disbelief.
Sunday am, my sister disappeared with her kids before we ever woke up. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. She left a ton of their clothes, their shoes, etc. She didn’t leave her alcohol though. She even took one of my DS3’s car seats. I was pretty disgusted. Am pretty disgusted actually. Then she had the nerve to post on her facebook about how “being home never felt so good”. Really?!?! Because I called you out on your drinking and being terrible to a little 16 month old baby who never did anything to hurt you. Really ?!!?!?!?
I am obviously still pretty upset about this. I just can’t believe my sister can be this way toward this baby who she wanted more than anything in the world. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Rachael- I will be back to respond to you....