Not sure about this title, we'll see how it fits...
I've been meaning to start a journal for weeks now. I started off with a ttc journal, then pg journal, and now I figure its time to go with a general journal. To introduce myself to anyone who is actually reading this, I have 3 children, Andrew(6), Hannah(3), Abigail (8 weeks). I'm married to a wonderful man named John. My family is everything to me. I also work a full time job. It's not a career but it has good benefits and pays the bills. I work 4 days a week, 2 11 hour shifts, a 10 hour shift and an 8 hour shift (odd, I know). Since I've come back from maternity leave I've been working late night so I am home more in the evenings (sleeping during the day).
Some days I wonder if I have ppd. I'm fine most of the time. But I have these moments where suddenly I just feel awful, sad, hopeless. It will pass, sometimes after a few minutes, sometimes it takes longer. And even when I'm happy I feel like there is something holding me back, like I can't fully enjoy the moment. I also think about death a lot lately. NOT in a suicidal way or anything like that. In fact quite the opposite. I'm worried that I will die, worried that a loved one will die, worried that I won't go to heaven. In the first few weeks after Abby was born, these thoughts consumed me. I've gotten better slowly though. I haven't been obsessing about it. Right now I can't stand to read a story or watch a tv show where someone dies. Its just too much for me to handle. I've thought about seeing a dr, I probably should. I always manage to talk myself out of it though. Since I'm fine most of the time, its hard to make myself make that call. And I don't really want to talk to anyone about it. They can't change that eventually we all die, they can't guarantee that I'll go to heaven. I just have to calm down and accept that, and I think slowly I am. I would like to control those moments of sadness though. I'd really like to feel truly happy again. I don't want to be put on meds though. On top of the fact I can't remember to take medication, I don't want to have to stop nursing. I think that would make me far more depressed. So for now I'm just taking it one day at a time.
Ok, so I've thought about deleting my original entry about 100 times since yesterday. I don't know why I'm so nervous about having all of that "out there". I'm leaving it though because its the truth, no matter how much I don't want to admit it. I need to talk to DH about it. I thought about having him read this journal, but I'd rather talk to him in person. The problem is, everytime I go to talk about it, I feel fine. Then I start thinking how silly I will sound talking about this when I'm fine. Its not until the bad moments hit that I think about telling him again.
Today is like my Friday at work, yay! I wanted to get some friends together for a girls night out this week, but now I'm not sure. I'm really tired and I think I would rather catch up on some sleep. I definately want to do the girls night soon though.
DH told me tonight that he needs to get some alone time. I completely understand that and offered to take the kids out for a bit tomorrow night, or to let him go fishing alone. Then he said nevermind its not important. But I know it is. I know how I get if I don't get a bit of time to myself here and there. I don't want him to get all stressed out. I wish he would just tell me what he needs.
I'm also trying to lose weight right now. I still have 40lbs left over (well 36 now) from when I had Hannah. I'm losing it little by little. I'll be happy to be at an "average" weight again.
Well, I finally talked to DH about feeling depressed. We didn't really talk about it a whole lot. I told him I think I might have ppd. He asked why. I told him because I have moments where I feel really sad and depressed and it happends several times throughout the day. He told me to call the dr. I told him I will, but I wanted to tell him first. Then he cracked a joke about Tom Cruise. (Which may sound inappropriate to others, but it was fine, awhile back we got into a big discussion about the whole Tom Cruise thing where my pregnant emotion butt overreacted so its a joke between us now). Now the only thing I'm waiting for is to make sure that my insurance didn't get messed up. I forgot to pay it while I was on maternity leave, it's paid now and I *think* everything is ok, but am waiting until I'm sure to make a dr appointment.
Even before I told DH that, he's been very loving toward me lately. I'm really enjoying feeling close to him, and feeling so well loved.
Hannah had her first real haircut yesterday (her first unofficial haircut was when she grabbed a pair of scissors and cut her OWN hair). I finally gave in and let them trim her hair and give her bangs. My family has been bugging me for over a year now to get her hair cut, but I love her long hair. Its still long, but now with the bangs its not so much in her face.
Never did go for that girls night out. I just have to get up the energy for it. I really wanted to go to comfest too, but again sleep won out. Its not that I'm not getting enough sleep, its just that I'm always tired anyways.
I feel kind of like I'm in a fog, and waiting for it to lift.
I had a long talk with Stephanie last night, that felt really good. I just wish we lived closer.
Took Andrew to a birthday party tonight. It was his best friend from Kindergarten. They haven't seen each other since school let out so they were excited to see each other. One of these days I'll get my house cleaned up enough again to feel comfortable inviting his friend over. The problem is I get the house cleaned up enough, but its a huge mess again before I can even call to invite him!
Abby has a bumbo now. She loves sitting in that thing, although her head still tires out after a short amount of time. That baby would be happy all day long as long as she is sitting up and able to look out and see the world. (Oh, and as long as someone is talking to her).
I've gotta work with both Andrew and Hannah on their bedtimes. John tends to let them stay up later than they should and lets them sleep with him, because he is too tired to fight with them to get them to sleep in their own beds. Problem is they are a lot less cranky when they go to bed on time and sleep on their own. I'm going to work at getting their bedtime routine done before I go to work, except on my earlier days. I think that should help.
One more day after this and I'm off work. The week goes by really quick when I'm on nights. Sometimes I feel like time is flying too fast though, my babies are growing up so quick!
Good news from work, I got a nice sized perfect attendance bonus, AND I don't have to work on the 4th (was originally my holiday for the year, but someone volunteered to take it). I'm still working the night of Red, White and Boom, but I'll take what I can get.
DH's boss' MIL died last Saturday. He works for a small company, and the MIL owned part of the company and her house is on the same property as their warehouse, so he knew her, although not well. I went to the showing with DH on Thursday. Then I had nightmares that night. I really hate funeral homes. I feel bad for DH's boss' wife. The death was totally unexpected and I think when things calm down its going to hit her hard.
On to a better subject, we took the kids to the Zoo yesterday. Abby was happy in her sling, I just had to make sure she could see what was going on around her. DH even wore the sling for awhile, I love that I have a husband who isn't afraid to carry his infant in a pink girly sling Hannah and Andrew had a lot of fun, although they were upset because the play area was just too crowded for them to play in.
Went to a parade this morning. Abby's first. She was not impressed. The only thing she cared about was when the bands would go by and make a loud noise. She didn't like that much. She fell alseep towards the end. She was quite cute though. Andrew and Hannah got a TON of candy. I think some of it may have to disappear...
I had a real hard time sleeping last night. Normally on my nights off I can get to sleep by at least 2. Last night I was wide awake at 5. Finally fell asleep around 6. Got up at 9 for the parade, went back to sleep around 11, and got up again closer to 4. Feeding Abby in between there of course.
3 1/2 hours and I can go home and back to my baby and my bed. During an 11 hour shift 3 1/2 hours seems like no time at all.
I think I'm doing better, then I start doing worse. I've noticed my waves of sadness are accompanied by unidentified anxiety. I feel like I screwed something up, or forgot something important, but can't figure out what it is.
Took the kids to the farmers market today. We all had fun. Got stopped every 2 feet by strangers wanting to look at Abby. Abby loved it, the little ham Hannah was a bit moody but enjoyed it all the same.
I joined po's biggest loser challenge. I'm excited to have some motivation. Since I'm part of a team, I'll feel guilty I mess up everyone elses chance at winning, and I think that will help me in a good way.
DH is actually getting serious about losing weight! I've been worried about him, part of my anxiety I think but its not without reason. I love him just the way he is but I want us both to be around for a good long time, and I want him to take better care of himself. I've been helping by cooking meals that are both good for us and actually TASTE good. I lost another pound, and DH lost 5lbs! Woohoo! He's even tracking what he's eating on sparkpeople.com I'm proud of him
After having 4 days off I do not want to be back at work. I want to be home with my baby. Doesn't help that I freak out all the time about whether Abby is ok. I've always been scared of SIDS though, thats nothing new.
I go on vacation soon! I work a full week this week, then the next work week I work for 2 days, then I'm off for 7. Kings Island on the 23rd. I can't wait! Neither can DS. He knows exactly when we're going. I'm hoping they give us our tickets soon. I hate that they always wait until the last minute. (Its a company picnic type thing).
I've been cramping a lot and had a major chocolate craving the other night. I think maybe my first AF is on the way.
One of these days I'll win the lottery and life will be good. Yeaaah right.
I am the queen of weird dreams. I wanted to put them in my journal so I can look back later and wonder at what a freak I am, lol.
First one: I have GOT to stop reading celebrity gossip! I was pregnant again, and ready to pop even though Abby was only 2 1/2 months old. It actually occured to me at some point in the dream that it didn't make sense but some how I rationalized it out that I could be full term. Tom Cruise (yes, Tom Cruise) made me come over to his house and had me sort of trapped there so I would give birth there. His mother was there? So was Katie Holmes although not until towards the end. My family was there but I was kept apart from them. I was scared and couldn't find a way out. Then I started freaking out about giving birth there because I remembered the pain I felt with Abby. Finally I told them I wasn't going into labor anytime soon anyhow so the might as well let me go. Katie Holmes came out and told me how they couldn't get pregnant. I asked if she was going to try to adopt or anything and everyone got this weird expression on their face and then I asked if they were trying to steal my baby. Tom Cruise said well yeah that was the plan! Since I wasn't going into labor they let us go and we all got in the car to leave. They stopped us on our way out though and had DH and I out of the car to leave when, get this, MICHAEL JACKSON comes along and tries to steal Abby to give to them! We freak out and run back and at first we thought he got her and I'm hysterical but there's Abby still snug in her carseat along side Andrew and Hannah. That was the end of the dream. What a freak show.
Another dream I had my boob practically exploded with milk. Milk was just pouring from it like it would from a gallon sized jug. I was freaking out and started grabbing bottles to try to catch the milk because I hated to waste it all, but I couldn't figure out why it was happening or how to stop it. Abby was upset because she wanted to eat but obviously it was too much for her. I woke up engorged because Abby had slept longer than usual, and she was crying because she had woken up and wanted to eat. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how THAT dream happened, lol!