Only God can judge me
This journaling thing is great! I have been battling with myself for some time now and this will be a good vent for me. I had a miscarriage back in November-Thanksgiving Day to be exact! What a horrible day, week(s), month(s), But hopefully not Year! I have a daughter that is 7 and we thought it would be a good time to try for another, so I got pregnant within a couple of months of trying and NEVER thought that the pregnancy would end.....Actually now that I look back I didn't feel great. No sickness, just maybe horomonal-like I was always cold! Very unusual for me. I remember seeing the blood at the doctors office and inside I really freaked out because I had Brennah (DD) w/me. I got home and had plenty to do seeing how Thanksgiving was the next day and we had company coming. I cleaned, cooked, did it all and was still bleeding not a whole lot though. It got worse though! I never knew that having a miscarriage was just like being in labor. I hope I never have to go through that again. We are trying again and I seem to be obsessed with having another. I don't want to be that way because I use a lot of energy thinking, wanting, feeling like I am pregnant. I hadn't had a period since Feb. 14 and started yesterday. What a blow! Negative tests, but still that small hope! I have decided that I am going to leave this to God. No OPK's, No BBT's, No cervical checks...Nothing, but me and my husband and when the time is right it will happen!
I am going to start walking this week and quit smoking. Man-thats hard! I quit when I found out I was pregnant, but I still dont think thats good enough. I could stand to lose about 5-10 lbs anyways. The walks will be good(I believe more mentally) too! I am also going to add vitamins to my diet. I hate taking pills so this is a big oredeal for me! I dont want to be bitter if I never have another child because Brennah is a blessing as it is. God brought her to me because he knew that I would probably die soon if I didn't get pregnant! I know that now! With my 20's brought a lot of greif, depression, anxiety (severe), panic-you name it!!!!!
It all started when my Dad got sick...something inside me knew that he wasn't going to make it. Although I didn't know it then. He had an enlarged heart and had several small heart attacks. He was 44. Too young to die! I knew that God wouldn't take him! Almost as soon as he got sick I started having major anxiety that very soon turned into panic attacks-several times a day-that turned into OCD! SEVERE! I wouldn't eat, wouldn't go out, wouldn't go to the hospital when they would admit my Dad. I felt horrible about that, but something inside me wouldn't let me. I would get into my car to go to work and I would literally wipe everything down. The steering wheel, the gear shifter, the handle, the blinkers, everything. I think I lost about 20 lbs in 1 month! I survived off of a Honey Bun-about one every other day. Imagine that for a long, long time! I have never shared that with anyone! My Dad knew that something was wrong! I remember right before he died he asked me if I would talk to him and he took me out into the garage and said that he didn't want to see me like that anymore and he knew I was depressed and to please turn my life around and get help. Shortly after that he died, but not before my DH's (boyfriend at the time) Father died (Feb. 19-1998). My Dad died April 11th 1998-the day before Easter. He was 45 and I was right behind him-until... God granted me a Golden Ticket! I got pregnant with Brennah 2 months after and I knew that it wasn't about me anymore! The anxiety and the OCD got better almost instantly, because I knew that it was my job to be the best that I could be for that baby. I was offered the BEST job in the whole world and I wanted it more than ever! DH and I had been dating for almost 5 years at that point and we decided to marry and make it official so that we could be a family and all carry the same last name. Would I have done it if I weren't pregnant? Thinking..........I would! He is a great guy and we have had many ups and many, many downs, but they have all been worth it to me! I know with my heart that he loves me and our DD with every inch of his being!
When Brennah was born 3-1-99 it was the absolute best day of my entire life!!!I stayed up all night and can remember thinking...I can't believe that God chose me to be her Mother & I just had that baby!!!The 2.5 hours of pushing and the 2.5 hours of stitches (10 packs) were so worth it. There she was! All 9lbs 3 ozs 21.5 inches of her. She was beautiful with her tall cone head from being in the birth canal for so long. She is truly why I am here today! I never knew that Love felt so amazing! I would love to multiply that with another, but if God's motto for me is 1 is enough, then I have been given a blessing that some people have, some want, some dont have, some don't want, and some take for granted. She is my baby! She is 7 now and is spoiled beyond belief! She is almost 4 ft tall and weighs about 49 lbs, so she is very tall and thin-not the little chunky but that she was when I gave birth. And hard as can be to buy clothes for I just pray that she will remain the same kind-hearted, sensitive, caring and giving person that she is today. I believe that she will!
Wow! I feel much better laying it all out! Great Therapy!
My goals for next week: Starting Monday:
-Walk for at least 20 mins
-Look into some Yoga DVD's or something Medatative