This, That and the other Insanity
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Thread: This, That and the other Insanity

  1. #1
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    Default This, That and the other Insanity

    Well, I am gonna start a new journal over here. Maybe I can keep this one going.

    Promise is watching cartoons and Zackary is sleeping. Lord knows I need a break. I have to go tomorrow job hunting, I do not want to go back to work, but Larry is making me. I so much want to be home with my kids. I just need a break sometimes. With no one here to help ever and him working all those hours, it just never ends. I know we have no money, but we just need to budget better. I don't know how, we don't spend any money except on bills. And daycare for the kids is gonna be 286.00 a week! That is insane. I don't know what to do. Larry is not listening to reasoning. He thinks it is all my fault because I always want him to borrow money. That I never do. Well-it's not like I freaking have anyone to ask. I just wish he would realize that. I love him so much, we have been through too much to let this stupid stuff bring us down. My friends all have jobs and are too busy to come around, and it seems like the only adult interaction I get is on the computer. He fusses that we don't spend enough time together and that we should, but when he is here he is too busy and all he wants to talk about is work. Well, Zack is crying now, I'll write more later.

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    Well, today got better I got to go out to eat without kids for the 1st time since Zack was born! It was nice, we just went to Buffalo Wild Wings and played Trivia. I was barely gone an hour and a half. Had to rush home to watch American Idol-I have no life! I am so glad that Kimberly got voted off. She was so catty, I didn't like her at all.

    Promise played with her friend Sarah on and off all day today, it was nice to see her having so much fun. Plus Sarah's mom is so sweet, and since they live next door, it's nice to have some company. Her DH is overseas doing something with the war. She doesn't know much about what he is doing. But it's cool hanging out with her. Promise sure will hate it when I go back to work and she can't play with Sarah so much anymore.

    Zack was good today, not too cranky. I know he has to be teething. It is not fun! And this is just the start! It is so amazing how much he changes every day. When he looks at me with that big drooly toothless grin, nothing else matters in the world. He is such a stress relief for me. I love being a mommy. I love Promise, but it is different having a child that I created. I guess you would have to be in my shoes to understand. I love her more than anything in this world, but it is just different.

    Well, it is getting late, I gotta get up early and go job hunting. I think this journal will be good for me.

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    Yesterday was an ok day, I went job hunting. I went 6 places, and busted my butt all day, just to come home and have DH tell me if a can't gross $3,000 a month, there is no point. I am like, geeeesh, make UP YOUR MIND! I am stressing myself out busting my butt, and its hard to make that kind of money without working stupid hours. It was nice to get out of the house and have some time to myself.

    I went walking with my neighbor. I need to lose weight, well more like this preggo tummy. I can SQUEEZE in some of my pants now, but its hard. I hope I can lose some weight pretty quickly. Maybe if I didn't have so much junk food in my house, I could do better. We do have some fruit, but next to those darn Mint Oreos, they just don't compare! My hands are starting to hurt, I think I have carpal tunnel. I am scared to go to the doctor about it. I don't want to have to have surgery, that would suck so much.

    I just realized I can type pretty well without looking at the keyboard. Isn't it funny how I had such a hard time in high school? Well, I will try to write more later, I need to jump in the shower while the kids are asleep...Zack is napping and poor Promise is still in bed. She needs to go to bed earlier at night!

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    Well, I haven't written in a few days. And I don't know how much I'll be able to write tonight. Larry is on his way home. Fun-another 9 pm supper. Sounds like take out is a good plan.

    My bed-that's where I need to be. I am soo exhausted. Promise wanted to stay up all night last night. Between her and Zack, I am running on fumes. I just need some sleep. Larry is off tomorrow, THANK GOD! I hopefully will get some rest, then can do some job hunting.

    Sarah and Michelle came over today so Promise and Sarah could play together. It was nice being able to hang out with someone over the age of 3~and she's really sweet. I am hoping we can do some more stuff with the girls over the summer, of course, pending on how soon I find a job. I really am starting to wish I did not have to work.

    I have to remember to get Larry to fill out the insurance questionairre. We have got to find some cheaper health insurance. Through Larry's work we are paying a whopping $575/month. That is a lot of money no more than we go to the doctor.

    I wish Larry would hurry up and get home! I am starving, but he will be mad if I eat before him. I feel like writing more, but hopefully he will be home soon, and I need to do some job searching while I am online.

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    I know I haven't been writing in this much, but tonight it is going to be my refuge, I have no one to talk to and I am holding so much in. I hate to air it out here, but I don't know what else to do.

    So, Larry quit his nice mostly 9-6 job to go back to selling freaking cars making next to nothing. Working 60+ hours a week. Fine. Whatever makes him happy.

    What is not gonna cut it is this BS starting again already. He goes to work with the big boys and its only his 2nd night back up there. He was supposed to be at home around 8:30, it's 11:33. Where's Larry?


    HELL IF I KNOW!

    The man has not called me. I would normally be worried but about an hour ago my phone rang, his # was on the caller ID, but when I answered there was no one there. This crap is not gonna start again. We have 2 kids I SAH with ALL the time. I don't get to go out. I'll be darned if he is gonna go out without as much as a phone call.

    I can already see it now. He is gonna come stumbling in acting like he is fine and not drunk. We will fight and argue. And go to bed mad as can be. I am so sick of this. I don't deserve it. I can't believe he does not respect me enough to give me so much as a phone call. This sucks so bad. What do I do though? Pack up the kids and drive 1,000 miles? On what money exactly? I have left him 3 VM's explaining I was not mad, just worried. Did I get any phone calls in return? No. NOW I am mad. I just can't fathom what he is doing or who he is with.

    Granted he can not call me when I am on the computer. But I had to do something to keep me occupied. I tried to keep Zackary up as late as I possible could, but he can only last so long. He was tired. I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped here. NO options.

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    OK, so it's 2 am and Larry just got home. I am shaking so bad I can hardly type. He was at Carlos 'O Kelleys with some little rich kid (his boss' son), or so he says. If he was just there, WHY could he not have called me? I cannot do this anymore. He said he didn't feel he needed to call me because I should trust him. No woman in their right mind would want thier husband going out and not hearing from him until he walked in the middle of the night.

    He said he tried to call-that I did not answer? Why do I pay for VM on our phone then?

    This is so not fair. I don't deserve this. I want to go to my mom. He told me if I didn't like what he was doing to pack my s**t and get out. That he would take care of the kids. Sure, like he has so much time to spend with them now as it is. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am trapped in a cage and I cannot freaking get out.

    He refused to talk about it. My heart is in a thousand peices right now, wondering if this man really loves me like he said he did at one time. Because if he loved me, he would have the respect for me to call. He dosen't love me. I am kidding myself.

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    Well, it's morning. I refused to get up with Zackary-let him do something. I am trying to give him the silent treatment, and he acts all 'happy' like nothing is the matter. We'll see what happens....

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    Well, he cornered me in the closet this morning. I had to talk so I let it all out.

    I explained to him that the reason I would call him so much before when we went through this is b/c "going to get a beer with the guys" does not constitute coming home at 2 am. If he is going to go out he needs to at least be up front and say-"I am going out with the guys I will be out really late." Fine. At least I am not sitting here like I was last night thinking every possible situation that he could be in. I am not going to have him making me think all these horrific thoughts of where he is. That gives me time to build up my anger even more. Why don't men get it?

    I also told him I was ready for him to start taking me places WITH him. I am very self concious about the fact I still have a lot of baby weight, and I feel like he is ashamed to be seen with me. I want him to be proud to say, "This is MY wife!" I guess you can say I want to be a trophy. Better than being a doormat. He is gonna have to take me out and let me feel good about myself again. Zack is almost 5 months old. It is OK for me to leave him with a sitter every once in a while. Not all the time, but sometimes! I am here all the time with them. I need to get out. No wonder I am so depressed and all this just makes it even worse. Who wants to feel like their husband is ashamed of them? I feel like I am going back and forth, but I have all this built up inside for so long that it's just pouring out randomly. Sometimes I think I am just going to lose my mind. I love my kids and I want this to work, but Larry is going to have to show me that he wants to be with me, and most importantly that he loves me. I deserve that. I am not a bad wife or mother. His house is clean, his kids are taken care of. Isn't that important too?

    Now, he works all these hours, never really "knows" his schedule. We can't make any plans or anything at all. The kids are going to miss their daddy so much. And I can't explain it to them. They are too little to understand.

    Well, Larry is coming. I am sure I'll have plenty more to write in the morning.

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    I went to 3 Doors Down, with Michelle tonight. I had SOOO much fun! It was outside, a beautiful night, no kids, just relaxation. Well, not really relaxation b/c we danced and sang our butts off. I had a BLAST! And they have a song on their new album that is so pretty. I came home and played it over and over til I almost drove Larry insane.


    A hundred days had made me older since the last time
    that I saw your pretty face
    A thousand lights had made me colder and
    I don’t think I can look at this the same
    But all the miles had separate
    They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face

    I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
    I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
    I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
    And tonight it’s only you and me

    The miles just keep rolling as the people either way to say hello
    I hear this life is overrated but I hope it gets better as we go

    I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
    I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
    I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
    And tonight girl it’s only you and me

    Everything I know, and anywhere I go
    it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
    And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
    it get hard but it won’t take away my love

    I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
    I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
    I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
    And tonight girl it’s only you and me

    I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
    I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
    I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
    but tonight girl it’s only you and me



    That song is BEAUTIFUL! I am such a sap for a good love song. Well, it's late, gonna chat with my leader Brooke for a bit before going to bed. LOL!

  10. #10
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    wow, I haven't writtin in my journal for a long time!

    I am so bored, I have been on and off this computer all day. The kids play with each other now, mommy just gets in the way. Even my 7 month old wants his sister. I can see where she might be more fun!

    I am supposed to hear tomorrow about a job I applied for and interview for Tuesday. Its just part time but will really go well with Promise's Pre-K schedule. I hope I get it, it is working for a construction company. Anything is better than what I have now! Promise and Zackary are eating me out of house and home! ~ I have never seen two kids eat so much. They are both slim, so don't think I have big kids either!

    Well, I guess that is all I'll write now. Just want to bump this up!
    Melessa, Proud Single Mommy to Zackary Bryson 12/11/02~~Missing all my buds on Pg. Org!!

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