First of all, some housekeeping –
This journal is kind of a follow on from my other journal -
That journal was about dealing with my miscarriage, and it just kind of seemed appropriate to start a new one for my random ramblings.
I know that the rules of the Journal Boards state not to comment on people’s journals, but I welcome comments, so if you are moved to speak don’t be shy.
I guess this is kind of a combo TTC and general journal, which is why I decided to leave it here. Okay, you want the truth? I think that the truth is that I am secretly hoping that I will find out that I'm knocked up in roughly 20 days, and then there won't be any need for a "TTC" journal. I know, I'm lame.
Anyway, what's new with me? Hmmmm....well, I got subpeonaed by the FBI today. Okay, it wasn't as dramatic as I'm making it sound. One of my clients found a bomb near their parking lot on MLK day, so the the FBI is asking for some info from my company that they hope will help them with their investigation. I literally spoke on the phone with the FBI agent long enough to exchange pleasantries and give him my fax number, and then as soon as I got the faxed subpeona for the documentation they were looking for I forwarded it immediately to our legal department so they could pull together the documentation. So yeah, I didn't play a huge role in the investigation or anything. Still, it was kind of an exciting 20 minutes. One of my coworkers pulled the fax off the fax machine and was like "Ummm, why is the FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force faxing stuff to you???" Um, because I am assisting in a federal investigation, duh.
DH is texting me to get off my butt and go for my run. He's right - I need a serious kick in the pants. I have ZERO motivation right now. But, since I want them to pick someone hot to play me in the made for TV movie about this case, I'd better get my butt in gear. Going running now.
I did go running at the gym on Wednesday (and will go again tonight.) I would rather run outside, but the weather has been so weird lately and I need to get better gear for running outside when it's cold. Maybe I can get some of those sexxxxy running tights and blind all of the passing cars with my lovely lady humps. Or something.
So instead, I went running at the indoor track in my gym, and saw That Woman. That Woman is this woman that see running on the track pretty much every single time I go after work. I always notice her because I find the way she runs extremely annoying. Okay, intellectually I know that I find her annoying because a) she's way faster than me and b) she runs with way better form than I do. Also intellectually, I don't want to hate on someone for gittin'er done. I should be cheering her on like "Get on with your bad self, girl! Tear up that track!" But when I see her galloping gracefully past me looking for all the world like a lean little gazelle, my stupid brain DOESN'T say "Look at her go! Good for her!" Instead, it says "Ugh, her again? Jeez, why don't you...um...um...(can't think of anything she's doing wrong to comment on)...whatever, shut up, the way you run is annoying." And so there is my nasty little truth of the day - I'm a Hater.
I'm trying to work on it, truly. Whenever I see her flashing past me, I try to remind myself that I should not be competing with or comparing myself against anyone else on the track. This is not a race, we both just happen to be working on our own health goals within the same building. If anything, we should be supporting each other.
The weird part is that it's really just her. I can't even say that I care so much that she's so much faster than me. Trust me, LOTS of people are faster than me. Probably anyone who runs with any regularity at all is faster than me because I am sloooooow. It's a great day for me when I hit a 10 minute mile. I'm just not fast. By the time I'm finished with a couple of miles, I'm sure old ladies powerwalking at the mall could lap me, and I wouldn't care. I never resent anyone else for being faster than me; I expect people to be faster than me. So it's not even the speed thing. It's the way she runs, I think. Which is completely dumb because I think she runs the way you are supposed to run - lightly, on her toes. I, on the other hand, plod along like a ox.
Also, I get the distinct feeling that she's taunting me. She alternates walking and running, but she never passes up the opportunity to run if it means that she can fly past me and out in front of me. Never. That can't be a coincidence, can it? Also, she doesn't turn weird colors when she runs. What's up with that? When I run, I turn bright red, except for my lips which actually get paler. It's super attractive. She, on the other hand, remains nicely flesh toned.
So anyway, there I am, huffing and puffind along, all beet red and heavy tromping feet, and I swear to god, the b!tch streaks past me backwards. Backwards! And again, I swear it felt like taunting because she flashes past me backwards and then as soon as she was past me she turned around and ran (at the speed of light) the normal way again. And then she kept doing it - every time she passed me, she ran backwards, and then turned around again. I was like "are you freaking kidding me?????"
Anyway, whatever. I will probably see her again today, and I will once again work on not hating her. I should be happy for her and her graceful lightning fast (backwards) toe run. Me being annoyed by her says way more about her than it does about me, right? Right.
TTC is so weird. I think it's entirely possible that I make it weirder than it needs to be, but even so. I was sitting there this morning staring at a piece of toliet paper and trying to decide "would you call that sticky or creamy? I guess it's kind of like lotion...." Ew, really? I think Mr. JLIH himself (otherwise known as my husband) may have the right idea. I can tell you for a fact, a FACT, that he would never sit around trying to analyze his bodily fluids for signs of fertility. And if he did, he certainly wouldn't blog/post about it on a public forum.
I think that I should pretty much accept that he's cooler and smarter than me even on my best day. He went to the grocery store on Monday and came home with a Valentine's Day present for T (a little Elmo tin with a handle that we can fill up with stickers and crayons and whatnot) and Valentines that T can give to his fellow daycare-ees and grandparents. I was like Vale-what? It hadn't even crossed my mind that V day was coming up and I should be doing something thoughtful for my spouse, let alone our child. Which is reason #5127 that he is the Smart Thoughtful one in the family, and I'm the Consistently Bewildered Buffoon.
I ordered my bridesmaid's dress yesterday. So that pretty much means that I'd better stay a size 10 (or less, please god, less) for the next 6 months. Unless I get pregnant. I wonder how that would work out? Anyway, as I am not currently pregnant and thus have no excuse not to fit into my dress, I am about to leave work and go for a run. That's like, my one defense against a rapidly expanding waistline. If I were...I dunno...more discliplined somehow....maybe I could just eat less and not be locked in this constant death struggle with the scale. But I'm not that discliplined, so instead I have to spend countless hours circling a running track like a hamster in a wheel. I keep waiting to become one of those people that is "addicted to" exercise. Any day now. Any day.
Alissa, you are totally cracking me up with your musings! lol On the EWCM... one thing I notice is that when I'm ovulating, I really tend to get in the mood, too. Rachael
Ryan and Rachael
Parents to Chase, Abby, Hunter, Rachel, Caleb, Hannah & Nate
~Remembering sweet baby Oliver, born to Heaven October 20, 2009, & keeping Carole in our prayers~
Thanks Rachael! I'll keep it in mind - when I'm ready to pounce on DH like a lion on a gazelle, I just might be O'ing.
I peed on my pants today. Not "in", per se, more like "on." I was using an OPK (because, in case no one has picked up on this, I have lost my mind over this whole TTC thing.) and somehow I managed to hold the thing at just the right angle to direct the backsplash onto my pants. Brill. The really gross part? I was at work and really couldn't leave and it was only just a little bit. So I'm still wearing the pee pants. And this is why I may never get knocked up - I'm just so NOT sexy.
Speaking of people who still pee in/on their pants, I'm thinking about enrolling T in a "introduction to sports" class at the rec center. It's for 3-5 year olds and they learn a variety of sports - basketball, baseball, football. The only thing is that he won't be 3 yet - the class starts in April and he doesn't turn 3 until June. I'm wondering if that's going to make a big difference. Is it obnoxious to enroll my 2 year old in a class meant for 3-5 year olds? Like "I KNOW the class is for (slightly) older children, but MY child is so ADVANCED that he can totally handle it." And then it turns out that it really is too advanced for him, and it sucks for him and sucks for the other kids?
Maybe I will wait to see if the Summer calendar has the class again, once he really is 3. Or I guess we could wait until next Spring when he's almost 4. I just really really want to get him involved in stuff like that. I can see how my life would be different and better if I just always loved sports and activities like that. I spent my childhood with my face in a book; I was never really athletic. I wish I was; I probably wouldn't struggle so much to stay in shape now.
But it's not even just the athletics part - I was a really shy little kid and I think that maybe if my parents had pushed me to get out of my shell a little bit and participate in team sports I might be less shy now. Not that I'm super shy as an adult, but it just came up that we need to start doing more public speaking, and that scares the crap out of me. So maybe that would be easier too - who knows.
Anyway, blah, I'm just rambling now, so I'm going to go for a run and start my weekend.
I am officially in TTC Hell. I've got it bad. Charting, OPKs, analyzing CM, the whole nine yards. And the thing of it is, it's making the whole thing not any fun. The last two times I got pregnant, it was fun and exciting, but this time it's just been stressful. I'm the one that's acting like a Ruiner - trying to overanalyze everything. And the thing is, I had zero problems getting pregnant the first two times. With T, I was pregnant within 2 cycles. With the baby I lost, I was pregnant the first full cycle that we stopped preventing. There is really nothing that points to the idea that I will have "trouble" conceiving. And with the last two, I was totally relaxed about the whole thing. I didn't chart. I didn't temp. I didn't pee on sticks. Hell, with the last one I didn't even realize that I was late with AF until I realized that I was really late, and went back and did the math and realized that I was on like CD 42. The most I ever did was kind of casually note that I was "around" CD 14, and then rub up against hubby. LOL
But this time around, I'm trying to micromanage everything. And you know what I really think - I think that it's a control thing. I said this on the TTCAL board and I really think it's true - I couldn't control anything about my m/c, so I'm trying to control everything about TTC this time. And it sucks, I hate it. I want to stop, but it's almost like I'm scared to stop because I think that the moment I stop is the moment that I'll miss my big opportunity to "catch the egg" because I didn't know.
I'm thinking about quitting everything and just trying to go back to JLIH. I know that is what DH would tell me to do if I asked him (I haven't told him about peeing on sticks - he would be literally horrified.)
As a side note, do you know what I love about being with the same person for coming up on a decade now? I don't actually have to have an argument or discussion with him to know what he would say. I have whole arguments with him in my head because it's not actually necessary for me to involve him in them - I know what I would say, and what he would say, and I can save us both a lot of frustration if I just take on both roles.
Anyway, here is to calming down and just letting things proceed naturally. God knows it doesn't take a thermometer and a full package of pee sticks for (most) women throughout the course of history to get pregnant. I want to make a promise to myself (and my poor DH) to stop treating this like a really super important life changing science experiment, and start treating it like the natural progression of our love for each other. That sounds nice and restful, doesn't it?
I do that too. Argue with dh in my head and then not even bother him with our conversation.
Haha Lillie, I'm glad to know that I am not the only one. The sad part is, I usually lose the arguments - even in my own head.
This is for you Mary. I've been meaning to update for a couple of days, but you gave me the push I needed.
I'm too excited. DH and I are going to a par-tay on Saturday night, and my mom is keeping T over night. I honestly don't know what I'm more looking forward to - getting out of the house and socializing, or just sleeping in. The good news about my little guy is that he's not one of these night owls that you hear about. I was talking to one of my friends from high school not too long ago, and she told me that her DS (who is a little over a year old) stays up until like 11 pm every night. Seriously, I would die. It's not even about what I think is an "appropriate" bed time for children. She goes to work later in the day so her DS can sleep late, so no biggie, he's still getting his needed sleep. But I would die because a) I don't even like to stay up to 11 most nights and b) I need at least an hour every night to fold laundry and do all the things that I won't let T do like eat ice cream and potato chips before bed. T goes to bed at 8, and there are some nights when he's being a total two year old where I start eying him speculatively at like 7:15 thinking "by the time I brush his teeth and get him in his jammies and rock him and tell him a story and sing his three songs* it will have to be at least 7:30...that's only half an hour early...."
*Oh yes. Our bed time routine has evolved into this whole production with original storytelling and songs....I could print up fliers and sell tickets to the Alissa_Sal Family Sleepytime Revue.
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah, the goods and the bad news. The good news is that T is fairly "early to bed." The bad news is that the second half of that saying is "early to rise." That kid would not sleep past 7 if you drugged him. Which is fine on the weekdays, but makes me a sad Panda on the weekends.
He's so notorious for getting up early (and I come from such a long line of lazy sleep-in-ers) that on New Years Eve my mom actually offered to watch him so we could go out - but only on the condition that Jon and/or I sneak into their house at 7 on New Years morning to pick him up and take him home before he woke up the whole house. And it's not even that that my parents were planning on drinking it up on New Years or anything, it's just that it's well known that they (like me) love to sleep in and T does not.
But this weekend I had an ace in the hole. My dad was out of town during this big snow storm, so my mom called and asked if DH would come over and shovel her driveway and front walk before the HOA started breathing down her neck. Of Course he would! Anything to help out family! There is just one thing, of course. I demand babysitting with full overnight priviledges. Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha
So that's my big plan this weekend. Going to a birthday party, nice, whatever, THEN I am going home and sleeping in until at least 9. Heaven!
Happy Valentine's Day to anyone reading this! No plans here, but I just remembered that we have like 3/4s of a leftover French Silk pie in the fridge, so at least our un-plans include pie. Un-Plans with pie is better than most Plans without pie, so I'm happy.
Tristan scared the crap out of my on Saturday morning. This was first thing in the morning (of course) and I woke up because I heard him sneezing in his bedroom. I was almost back to sleep when he walked into our bedroom and touched my arm to wake me up. I looked up, all bleary eyed, to find his face covered in blood. What he says to me is not "Aaaaaaaaaaah! I'm covered in blooooooooood!" (which would be a reasonal conversation starter under the circumstances.) What he says is "I have a booger."
I start making these little gasping noises because my beloved child is covered in blood, which surprisingly wakes up DH (he usually sleeps like a bear - little indrawn breaths would NOT typically be enough to disturb him.) DH starts awake, takes one look at me and T and says "Don't freak out, you'll scare him." Which is surprisingly good advice.
So, I just got up, took T in the bathroom, and started cleaning him up. He had blood on his face, on his hands, on his jammies, and I found blood on his sheet too. He wasn't in any pain as far as I could tell, and I think that it started when he was in bed (since there was blood on his sheet) so I don't think he hit it on anything.
My brother used to get spontaneous nosebleeds every once in a while when he was little, and there was nothing really "wrong with" him that the doctors could ever find, so I am hoping that this was just that - nothing wrong with him, just a one time weirdo no reason nose bleed. Geez it was scary though.
I took a pg test today. I'm dumb - of course it was a BFN - I'm only 7dpo and it wasn't even a super sensitive test, it was just a $ Tree because that's what I happened to have on hand. I swear I thought I saw the very faintest of lines (like the VERY faintest of lines - so faint it was quite possibly not actually there.) I knew that I shouldn't have tested today, but, but, it's Valentine's Day! That somehow seemed relevent at the time. LOL
You know how they say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Well, I think that the way to a woman's heart is through her kids. Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I guess in my heart of hearts I was really hoping that DH was going to surprise me by arranging for us to go out. I texted him with a grocery list during the day and never heard back, so I took that as a hopeful sign (somehow) that he wasn't going grocery shopping and that maybe just maybe he had arranged for one of our moms to take T so that we could go out to eat.
I was childishly disappointed when I walked in the door and he was cooking dinner. Like, who gets disappointed when someone else is willing to cook for them? And, actually, it was really sweet. He was making a pasta dish that he knows that I like. But still, I felt a little let down. Until we gave T that Elmo tin that DH had gotten for him. When DH got the tin, I had remarked that maybe we should put some little stickers and candy and whatnot in it. But then I never made it to the store, so I never got anything to put in it. DH didn't say anything about it, and I figured that T would still like the empty tin that maybe he could put his cars or something in. When I showed T how to open the tin, I discovered that not only had DH bought the tin in the first place, but that he had filled it with Dum Dum suckers, temporary tattoos, a little rubber frog toy, and those magnetic letters for the fridge. T was soooo excited. And I melted. I could not have felt more moved or happy if he had presented me with a box of chocolates and a dozen long stem roses and a dinner reservation at the schmancy-est place in town. Love that man! He is such a good daddy.
And I know, maybe it's weird that I should melt when he treats "my" kid well - T is as much DH's kid as he is mine. But....I don't know....it still makes my heart swell a little in my chest whenever he does something sweet like that.
Oh, AND he pre-ordered me a book, he just didn't realize that it wasn't coming out until May.
All I got him was a bag of chocolates and a card that lets you record your own voice saying something. I did not say something sweet, I made a dumb joke, as it is my want to do.
So moral of the story? I'm a jack@$$ for feeling disappointed that he wasn't taking me out.