No, they didn't check my levels during this pregnancy except at the very beginning to make sure that they were going up (they were.) My doctor told me at the beginning of this pregnancy that m/c is so common that they don't really do anything differently (as far as testing, et cetera) for the first pregnancy after a loss, but if I had more than one loss (which I now have) then they would start testing and looking at why and what they can do to help.
The plan right now is that after my body has a chance to get back to normal, they are going to do a bunch of tests to look at different things, including blood clotting, hormone levels, immune response, et cetera. I kind of wonder if it is a clotting thing because both my mom and my grandma (mom's mom) have had blood clots, and my mom got tested and found out that she has a gene that makes her more prone to blood clots (probably my grandma did too) so I am wondering if I have the same gene and if that might explain it.
They told me that even if we go through all of the testing and don't find anything conclusive, there are still things that they will put me on that are known to help support pregnancy, such as progesterone and baby aspirin. But all of that is a while down the road - at this point I can't imagine wanting to try to get pregnant again any time soon. After 2 losses in 8 months, I'm pretty burnt out on the whole idea. DH and I agreed that we will give it at least 6 months (not 6 months from today, 6 months from when the doctors tell us I am healed enough to potentially try again) before we start thinking about going down that road. We're just going to spend this time focusing on our little family and working on our house (now that we have the wallpaper in the spare bedroom partially stripped, we have to move forward with redecorating, so we may turn that room into a play room for T.)
On a side note, my DH is a total sweetheart. He didn't know that I knew he had already begun stripping that wall paper, and I didn't know that it was supposed to have been a secret (I saw it when I went in there for something.) His plan was that he was going to completely strip it, primer it, and surprise me with a "blank slate" that I could decorate for the baby however I wanted. Is he just about the sweetest man ever or what? Anyway, at this point we have a room that it about half wallpapered (and I have ALWAYS hated that wall paper - just haven't had the time or motivation to change it) so it's time to move forward and redecorate.
I'm so sorry for you loss. Be gentle on yourself.
More hugs, girl. Thinking of you.
Well, I think that it's done now. I took the Cytotec on Saturday, and then again on Sunday in hopes of being able to avoid the D&C. It didn't work for me last time, but luckily it seemed to work this time. My inlaws took T on Saturday morning and kept him through Sunday afternoon so that I wouldn't have to worry about taking care of him, which was probably a good thing. Either the Cytotec or the pain meds or both made me very sick to my stomach. But it worked, so that's good.
Now I'm just kind of dealing with the emtional fall out, and thinking about the future.
For the first couple of days, I was mostly just numb to it. I didn't feel very much after the initial crying jags. I don't think I totally believed it or accepted it yet. Even now, I am just....astonished, to borrow a perfect word from a good friend. It is purely astonishing to me that this could have happened twice in a row. I know that the odds of having a m/c are much higher, but I truly feel like I've been hit by lightening twice now. It seems like "Surely that can't be." But it is. I keep thinking "Surely I'm still pregnant." But I'm not.
It's funny because people keep trying to comfort me by telling me stories about their cousin or their friend or whoever that has had multiple m/cs but then went on to have healthy child(ren.) The worst was my doctor - when I was in last Wednesday after we found out about the loss, he mentioned that he has one client that has had 14 m/cs and 5 live children. 14!!!!! That is NOT comforting. Because I can tell you right now, I don't know where my "line" is, but I am certain that I don't have it in me to have 14 miscarriages. The idea that someone could have 14 miscarriages is just heart wrenching to me. And the line where I just give up on ever having another baby is somewhere between 2 and 14, but closer to 2 than 14.
I was talking to DH about this, and he said that how many more times we do this is up to me. Which I get - it's not his body, and emotionally I think it is a little bit harder on me than it is on him. But he agrees with me that we can't do it over and over and over again, even if that means that we never have another one.
The other thing we agree on is that I am not willing to go to heroic measures to get or stay pregnant. If there are simple solutions like taking a baby aspirin with my prenatals, that would be okay. But IMO, if my body has to have a lot of assistance to get or stay pregnant, I think that means that maybe there is a reason for that, like maybe trying to force it to have a baby is a bad idea. I can't explain it any better than that. I know that lots of women get pregnant through reproductive technology, and I am not condemning them or saying that what they are doing is a bad idea at all. I'm just saying that it doesn't feel right for me. Like, speaking for myself only, if pregnancy would require a ton of medical interventions, then that is just a road I don't feel like I should walk down.
So, that's kind of where I am. Just kind of working to accept the fact that this pregnancy is over, and trying to figure out what I want for the future.
I'm so sorry, Alissa, thinking about you and sending lots of healing vibes your way... hang in there...
Alissa, reading today's entry made me tear up and cry. I am so very sorry you have to go through this. I know I keep saying this but I am so hurt and angry for you. I remember the pain and the anguish of my second loss and I wish I could take it all away for you. Please know that it does get easier. I hate the saying "time heals all wounds", but, it's true. I’m just an IM away if you ever need someone to talk/vent to.
Thank you Jina and Charlene. Being a part of such an awesome and loving and supportive community does help soothe a little bit of the hurt.
I really feel like I just cannot catch a break.
I went to the doctor today to get another u/s to see if everything has passed. I was a little worried about it, just because my doc told me that once everything passes, the bleeding and cramping should slow down pretty soon there after, and I am still bleeding and cramping fairly heavily, even though I thought everything passed on Sunday.
Well, turns out I was right to be concerned - the u/s showed that part of the placenta is still there. Which means that I may still have to have the D&C after all.
My doctor prescribed me something that is supposed to make my uterus contract and therefore hopefully cause the placenta to be expelled. If that doesn't happen by Thursday, I will most likely do the D&C on Friday.
So, that's my thrilling life. I almost feel embarrassed even talking about this stuff any more because it's just one thing after another. I feel like...like...Eeyore. Just nothing but doom and gloom and death and destruction. *Sigh*
Aw, Alissa don't feel bad! This is your reality right now. I think you are putting stuff out there in a far better tone/attitude than I probably would. You are no Eeyore!
I think about you often and check in here a lot to see how you are doing. I wish I could give you a big squeeze!!
Mama to Kostas with the Mostest, born 07/10/07
and Marek "Cricket" Joshua, born 12/07/12