I am so sorry Alissa
This happened to me on my first miscarriage.
I was asked to do a preg test a month after my natural and it was still positive, so I was given pessaries.
A week later it was still positive so I had a D and C.
After each positive I was given a scan and my body was just hanging on to it.
So I know how you feel.
Huge hugs to you.
TTC 2 Years +
I'm really....mad. Sad too, but mostly just angry. I know that's normal and I have every right to be, and all of that, but oh man. Furious.
It helps when I'm at home with Jon and T. I feel mostly normal when I'm with them. But then I leave for work in the mornings, and on the way to work I listen to music and think and gradually get madder and madder, until the term "wet hen" doesn't do me justice.
I'm having a hard time focusing at work, or getting my butt in gear at home. Mostly I just want to sit around and be dog lazy. But surprisingly, that's not getting me anywhere. My brother's wedding is next Saturday, which means that we are going to have family in town this week. I think that means that it's time to dust and clean my toliets and open my blinds.
((HUGS)) Alissa. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'll be thinking of you! Losses totally and completely suck and they are not fair.
This past weekend was my brother's wedding, finally. For those of you who have been on the edge of your seat, yes, the dress fit. Quite nicely, actually. I got my hair and makeup and nails done, and I felt pretty glam the whole night.
I think that having a lot of family in town was a good thing, and having a great reason to celebrate was also a good thing. I was too busy to work myself into a proper funk. T was in fine form all week, totally soaking up all of the attention and admiration that comes with being the only small child in a whole crowd of family members. He is the first and only grandchild on both sides of the family, although thank goodness my cousin Shanna had a baby this year, so he's not the only great grandchild on my mom's side. As it is, he's spoiled so rotten that if he were cheese he would stink.
The wedding was beautiful, and I am very happy and proud to call Natalie (my brother's new wife) my sister-in-law. She is a lovely person, and we are lucky to have her in our family.
Ugh, all of that food and sitting around chatting has NOT done me any favors though. I feel like I'm practically waddling when I walk these days. NOT a happy feeling. So, I am back on a health kick. You hear that health? Consider yourself kicked!
I just really feel like I need to start taking better care of myself. I could just feel myself sliding backwards into this hole of depression, and the sad fact is that I tend to self medicate with junk food and wine. Not a pretty sight. So, starting today, I am back on the diet and exercise wagon.
I think I feel better. Mostly I just feel tired. I woke up at 4 am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so around 5:30 I finally gave up and went downstairs and got my day started. First I did a 30 minute yoga workout from On Demand. Oogah. I am NOT flexible. But I soldiered my wooden self on, and I have to admit that the last 3 minutes or so (mostly spent laying flat on my back like a dead thing) were quite nice. Then I packed up a day's worth of healthy optimistic food, and by that time it was time to start getting ready for work. Today on my lunch hour I rounded out my exercise for the day by doing a 45 minute walk/run. Mostly walking. But hey, at least I was moving. I also parked as far away from the door as I could. Every little bit counts.
Tonight I am going to a Girl's Night Out at a Caberet. I've never been to a Cabaret, so all I can picture is Liza Monelli and that creepy MC. Wish me luck...
I don't think I've ever been to a Cabaret either. How did it go?
Lillie - It turns out that this place has different shows on different nights, and the night we went was Comedy Night so it wasn't an actual cabaret show. But the place was very cool, and the host was very funny so I suspect that the actual cabaret show would be fun. I was actually thinking about taking DH to a show for a date night some time.
Not much to report here. We have been super busy. We are entering Week 3 of our 3 Weddings in 3 Weeks Extravaganza (with all of the events that lead up to the weddings, such as the Rehearsal Dinners and Time with Out of Town Family) so I am beat. Oh, and my birthday was on Saturday. I'm 31. I can't believe it - it literally feels like only a couple of months ago that I was turning 30. What a fast, and yet often awful year 30 was. Good riddance to it. 31 will be better, right? Right.
I've been having a terrible time sleeping lately. I wake up every morning around 3-4 am and may or may not go back to sleep. Then I drag a$$ all day long to make up for it. I am actually considering going to my GP to see if she would be able to give me something to help smooth out some of the anxiety I have been feeling. I don't think I used to be high strung. Or anyway, not this high strung. But I am just....anxious....a lot. But then part of me feels like maybe I should just accept that as part of the grieving process and that I just have to deal with these feelings and then I will heal properly. So I am going to try....I don't know. More exercise. Better food. Trying to take more time for myself. Stuff like that, to see if I can get out from underneath this huge dark cloud all by my lonesome.
Anyway, whatever. I don't want to write about this stuff anymore. I will probably take a little break from this journal until I have something more exciting to write about.
Here's to a better 31!!! (((hugs)))
Mama to Kostas with the Mostest, born 07/10/07
and Marek "Cricket" Joshua, born 12/07/12
Jeez, I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote anything.
Actually, I can. It's been an insane month. We had 3 weddings, tons of out of town guests to entertain, and then took a road trip to SD for a week.
Oh god, that road trip.
We got to Rapid City around 6:30 pm on Monday. T was actually really great in the car, which was a huge help, but by the time we got there we were all kind of cranky and tired and it was so very, very hot. Like 100 degree heat plus 80 percent humidity. We live in CO which is dry dry dry, so we're not used to humidity like that.
We went to this awesome park in Rapid City (Storybook Island - Google it, it's amazing that it's free) so that T could run off his yayas. But then he just kept falling down and getting hurt (he seriously fell like 3 times in about 30 minutes) and then he just didn't want to do anything any more.
Tuesday, he was a mess. He was cranky, whiny, refused to eat anything, had no desire to do any of the fun activities we had planned. Just awful. Tuesday night, we found out why.
DH's sister was supposed to share a bed with T during the trip. I had put him to bed earlier, and then the adults had stayed up talking. Around 11:30, Naomi went to go to bed, and she said "Guys, your kid really stinks." Sure enough, he smelled awful, so I woke him up and turned on the lights to discover that he had had diarrhea and it was everywhere. All over him, all over the sheets, on his stuffed bear. Everywhere.
So we had to change the bedding, obvs, and I gave him a bath and changed him into clean jammies. DH took the dirty jammies down to the laundry room, and had to stay up until about 1:30 washing and drying them (he's a night owl anyway, plus I did the actual dirty work of cleaning up after T and giving him a bath, so it was only fair...) I didn't want to make Naomi sleep next to my sick child, so I took the bed with him.
Around 6:30 on Wednesday morning, I woke up because he was gagging. I snatched him out of bed and ran to the bathroom, but we didn't quite make it. As soon as we got in the bathroom door, he threw up all over me and the bathroom floor. While I was getting myself and the bathroom cleaned up, he started gagging again, so I stuck him in front of the toilet, and this time he actually made it. It was kind of funny, because even though he was so sick, he took a moment to celebrate and say "I did it!!!!" with a huge smile. It's the small things.
Anyway, long story short, I spent almost all of Wednesday in the hotel room with T, periodically mopping up various forms of sick, changing him, changing the sheets, changing out the towels that I was strategically placing around and under him, washing out the trashcan that I was trying to get him to puke into, rinse, wash, repeat.
Thursday morning he was better enough to briefly leave the hotel room, but he started complaining that his tummy hurt after lunch, so it was back to the room.
Friday he finally seemed to be really on the mend. That was also the day we were scheduled to go back. Luckily, it's only like a 7 hour drive, so we decided to stay until late afternoon to try to do a few fun things before we left. Friday was definitely the best day of the trip.
So that was it. That was vacation. Sad. LOL Oh well, at least he is better now, and as my FIL pointed out, I didn't actually have to wash all of those sheets and towels. I bet the hotel housekeeping staff was extremely happy to see us go.
Now I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things and work again on diet and exercise. My never ending project. But mentally and emotionally I am feeling a lot better, so that is a good thing.
In case you haven't noticed, I tend to get a little....um..."focused" on things. I get on a kick (like, hello TTC) and that totally takes up my time and energy for a while, and then I move on to something else.
I'm on a new kick.
It all started earlier in the summer. DH likes to listen to books on CD when he drives, and sometime around July 4th, we went for a drive while T napped in the back seat. At the time, he was listening to "Plastic: A Toxic Love Story" by Susan Freinkel, so I listened to it with him as we drove.
And holy moly. It really made me think about the disposable sort of lifestyle that we tend to live in the West, and made me rethink the impacts of that lifestyle.
It started with plastic bags (one of the subjects of Freinkel's book.) It's true that I have had reusable shopping bags in my car forever, but I hardly ever remembered to use them. Now, I always had it in the back of my head that it wasn't *so* bad that I forget my reusable bags, because we always reuse the disposable plastic bags for something else (lunches, picking up dog poop on walks, trash bags for our bathroom trash) so that's not so bad, right? That's green! Only, Freinkel talks about how even if you do reuse these bags, you have to reuse them like a zillion times to "break even" on the environmental impact. So okay, I resolved to be better about the shopping bags.
Since I no longer have an influx of disposable grocery bags coming in to my house, I decided that the thing to do was to buy an insulated lunch bag. But then once I bought the lunch bag, I noticed that I was still using plastic silverware at work every day. That started to bug me, so I bought some cheap metal silverware to carry with me in my lunch bag. Much better!
That held me over for a while, but then it started bugging me that every morning when I stop to get my iced coffee from the coffee shop, it was in a disposable plastic cup. Yes, I could (and did) recycle the cup, but wouldn't it be better to get something that I could just wash and reuse? So, I bought a plastic mug that is perfect for my iced coffee. I felt very good about the whole thing for a while.
But then I thought about how many napkins and paper towels we throw away, both as a family, and at work. I decided that wasn't right, so I went out and bought a bunch of cloth napkins. Pshew! Now I can rest and stop buying crap to take in my lunch box.
Lately, I've been looking askance at the plastic sandwich baggies that I use to pack my sandwiches, berries, carrots, assorted snacks, et cetera. When I got an email for 50% off Re-pac baggies (basically reusable sandwich bags) I jumped on it. 50% off! I couldn't afford not to!
Which proved to be the straw that broke DH's back.
DH is not against being environmentally conscious. He faithfully recycles (or, anyway, he leaves his beer cans and yogurt containers on the counter so that I can recycle them. But hey, at least he doesn't throw them away!) He actually wants to start composting and plant a garden next year, and he's on board with our next car being some sort of hybrid.
But he asked me a question, and I've been thinking about it ever since. Can you really save the world by buying more and more stuff? Does commercialism actually equal some sort of activism, or is buying "green" crap just another way for yuppies to pat themselves on the back? Is the net result of all of this buying just the fact that now there is even more mass produced junk in the world that will eventually fill up our landfills and float in the giant trash island in the middle of the ocean?
Last edited by Alissa_Sal; 08-16-2011 at 04:36 PM.