Thread: Outtakes

Ever since we got our iPods (I think in 2006) DH has had a charming habit of sneaking songs onto my iPod. Sometimes they are just songs that are funny or that he thinks that I will like, but in that case he usually mentions that he has put something new on so I can look for it. Other times, he puts on something romantic or meaningful, and then just waits for me to find it.

Normally, I find this irresistable. It's like getting a little musical love note at a moment when you least expect it. He knows that I always keep my iPod on shuffle, so I may not hear his song for days or even weeks after he puts it on, but when I do I know that it's meant for me, and I usually know why he put it on.

For example, today when I was on my walk, I got two new songs that he must have put on sometime fairly recently. The first one made me laugh. It was "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry. The reason he put this song on my iPod is because several weeks ago we were listening to the radio in the car, and I was singing along to that song and getting all of the words wrong and he was teasing me about it. When it came on my iPod today, it was like he was teasing me from long distance. I knew exactly why he put it on, and it made me laugh (as I'm sure he knew it would.) Stuff like that.

The second song that I heard today was "Everything is Alright" by Motion City Soundtrack. I don't know why he put that on, unless it was just to say "Everything is alright." And it made me cry my eyes out. Not cool when I have to go back to work.

It sounds like you needed a good cry. That's so sweet that you guys are so in sync.

Apparently you don't realize that you're pretty much dead to me, so let me spell it out for you. I don't know what I ever did to you, but completely forgetting all of the crap we've been through in the past year (as if I ever could), let's talk about your behavior this weekend. Cramps that make me want to lay on the floor in the fetal position and whimper....in the middle of Zumba, and then again during my kid's preschool Open House? Not acceptable. Word to the wise, a-hole: Lay low. You and I are barely on speaking terms as is.

((HUGS)) Alissa. I'm still thinking of you.

Any big Labor Day plans?

Thank you.

We are going up to DH's uncle's house outside of Loveland for a big family BBQ. How about you guys?

I don't remember if I have talked about this before (and I'm too lazy to go back and look) but now that a couple of months have gone by to give my system time to go back to normal, we are doing some testing to see if we can figure out if there is a reason for my miscarriages.

Last Tuesday, I went in to my dr's office to talk about our options. My doctor made it clear that it was up to me how far I want to go at this point, but my personality leans towards "no stone unturned", so I opted to do all of the testing that is indicated at this point. On Tuesday, they sent me to a lab to do blood tests for things like clotting factors and genetic problems. And OMG. I don't know specifically what all of the tests were, but the lab pulled 14 vials of blood. *Feels faint just talking about it.*

On Friday, they sent me to a local hospital to get a Hysterosalpingography (HSG). Basically, they shoot a bunch of dye into your uterus and then take pictures. This test can reveal a blocked tube, but that wasn't really our main focus since I don't seem to have problems getting pregnant. The tech was able to tell me at the time of the test that there were no indications of any blockages in my tubes, because the dye was flowing out as it should. The other thing this test looks for (and what we were really looking for) is any sort of abnormality or scarring in your uterus that could cause the fetuses to not implant properly.

Dr called me yesterday (after business hours, bless his heart. He really is a dear man.) to tell me the results. Everything looks completely normal. I am structurally sound! Lode bearing, even. LOL

Now, this is good news. When we were talking about it last Tuesday, he told me that genetic problems would be the only thing that we really can't treat, so I assume that if I had had a structural problem they would have been able to do something about it. Even so, I imagine that would have probably involved surgery, and that is something that I would have really had to weigh in my mind. Am I willing to go under the knife to try to possibly have another child? It would have slowed me down, at any rate.

So what's left? We are waiting to hear back the results of the first blood tests on Tuesday, and then a progesterone test on September 20th.

I was talking to DH about it last night, and I was trying to explain my feelings. What if they come back and say that they can't find anything? On one hand, that's good, right? That means that there is no reason why I couldn't have a healthy baby someday. On the other hand, that also means that I don't have any control over the outcomes. If it is something that just requires me to take a pill (like low progesterone or a clotting factor), then that is something that I can actively do to "fix it." If it's nothing, just bad luck, what do I do with that? How do I reconcile myself to being completely vulnerable to blind luck? Then DH went all nihilistic on me and noted that we're all pretty much vulnerable to that all of the time, every day. This a real quote: "That's staring into a scary chasm, isn't it?" Seriously, save the twisty philosophical rhetoric for smoking on our back porch in 2002, please.

It took a perinatologist to figure out what was wrong with me. As it turns out, my body wasn't making enough progesterone to keep me pregnant, which sucked 'cause I'd see a baby with a hb and then a few weeks later, m/c. And yes, that happened after having two children followed by three m/c before I had another.

Rachael - Were they able to determine that before you got pregnant again, or did they keep testing you once you were pregnant?

My dr is testing my progesterone levels after I O, and he also mentioned that even if they don't actually find anything they can give me progesterone supplements once I get pregnant, so hopefully if that is the problem that will be enough.

This is copied from the chat thread in TTCAL because I don't feel like rewriting.

So my doctor just called with the results of my blood test. I guess I got what I wished for. I have:

1. A mild clotting disorder
2. Subclinical hypothyroidism
3. A gene that makes it hard for my body to absorb folic acid
4. An auto-immune thing that could attack new tissue including a fetus

And we still have to test my progesterone on the 20th

The good news is that all of this is treatable. The bad news is that since there are so many factors, I may have to do a daily shot when I get pregnant. Plus, I have to figure out what this means for my health in general. I think that I need to request that a copy of my test results be send to my GP to talk to her about the clotting thing and the hypothyroidism. My mom had a blood clot several years ago that could have killed her, and I know that hypothyroidism can really mess you up. So. It's funny, because I was hoping that they would find something, but now that they have...my mind is reeling. I feel like I have a lot of odds stacked against me at this point.

My dr is going to call a perinatologist today or tomorrow to talk about all of this and determine what the best course of action is, and then after we get the results of the progesterone test we can make a plan of action. But then once I know what will be involved, what the risks are, side effects, et cetera, it will be up to DH and I to do some talking and soul searching to decide if it's all worth it.

I want to have another baby. But not, like, at any cost. I don't want to put my health at risk. I don't want to knowingly put the baby's health at risk. I don't want to put my family in debt with costly medical interventions. I don't want to put my sanity at risk with driving myself nuts over a really super high risk pregnancy. So, those are all things that we will have to factor in as we move forward.

My mind is just spinning right now.

Originally Posted by Alissa_Sal

I want to have another baby. But not, like, at any cost. I don't want to put my health at risk. I don't want to knowingly put the baby's health at risk. I don't want to put my family in debt with costly medical interventions. I don't want to put my sanity at risk with driving myself nuts over a really super high risk pregnancy. So, those are all things that we will have to factor in as we move forward.

My mind is just spinning right now.

I hear you girl, and I feel the same way. Best wishes to you for getting that BFP without any issues and a normal, healthy pregnancy

~M