Confession: I am (slightly) bad about paying bills. Not destroy-your-credit bad, but it stresses me out which means that I typically put it off for as long as I reasonably can. I seriously think this is some sort of PTSD from when I was completely broke in my early 20's and having to make decisions about which bills to pay each month, and how little I could reasonably eat and still survive. Oh the joys of (my) young adulthood.
As a result of this, we are one of the few families where the husband does the monthly bills. I have been refusing to even look at them for almost as long as we have been together, and he is extraordinarily responsible, and he doesn't have a panic attack when facing a monthly pile of bills, so I leave that squarely on his shoulders.
All except my and T's medical bills. I don't know why, exactly. I would just as happily give him my HSA card and let him have at it. I think he's got some idea of "teaching me some responsibility" like he's my dad and we're talking about my long distance phone bill to my boyfriend in the next town or something. (I had a "boyfriend" in the next town when I was in middle school. My long distance phone bills were quite a source of contention at the time, because I was constantly sneaking calls to him )
Anyway, medical bills are the one thing I do pay, and even though I have money in my HSA (and more in my bank account if that runs out) it never fails to make me feel anxious, and so I put it off as long as I reasonably can.
All drs bills say the same thing: "Payment Due Upon Receipt." Which I take to mean that they want me to have the payment out in the next day's mail. Which I think is obnoxious and can therefore be disregarded. So my idea of "waiting as long as I reasonably can" is somewhere around 2 weeks. Then I start getting nervous that the Medical Bill Gods will send a thunderbolt to hit my house or my credit rating, and I work my state up into a stomach churning nervousness about the whole thing until I finally bite the bullet and start sending them in. To be completely honest, I don't even open them before then. I just hoard them in my purse and stress about it.
So, this morning I finally got around to paying my recent medical bills. I have a lot of them! All of that testing I've been doing had racked up a bill from my GP, one from my OBGYN, one from LabCorp, and one from my hematologist. Plus one for T's pediatrician. I was sweating it as I went through and opened them all. And....all of that for less than $160! Considering the size of the bills I was paying before we hit our deductible for the year...that sounds like a great deal. I think I'm going to go do what people are always saying about UHC and go order up some unnecessary medical procedures....just because I can. I've got between now and the end of the year to convince my doctor that I need one of those full body scans...and maybe get my ears pinned back or something.
How sad is it that I've spend so much freaking money on medical bills this year that a) I hit my deductible way before the end of the year and b) $160 feels practically free?
Alyssa, I was laughing about your little "anatomy" talk with T... I grew up and feel like my mom was VERY prudish, which led to me being extremely self-conscious (or maybe it had nothing to do with her) to the point where I still have trouble even changing clothes in the gym locker room and usually do it in the closed shower stall! With that said, I have really tried NOT to be like that with my kids, we talk about penises and vaginas, they know about getting your period every month and everything like that... I used to have no issues with them running around the house naked, but now we're starting to tell them they need to have undies on or else be in their bedrooms. And my 4 year old does like to play around 'down there' so I just tell her same as you, that's something that's okay to do but only in private in her own room. I caught her touching a boy's bum after school yesterday and had to really lay down the law about not touching other people's private areas and all that.. so hard because I know it's all so innocent at this age!
On Saturday night, T fell and hit his head pretty hard. He got a big goose egg out of the deal. I wanted to take him to the ER because head injuries scare the crap out of me, but DH talked me out of it. DH used to teach First Response classes, so he's pretty knowledgeable about certain things. He walked me through the whole list of things that I should be worried about.
"Did he lose consciousness?"
"Is he queasy or throwing up?"
"Is he disoriented?"
"Are his pupils the same size and reactive to light?"
"But what if..."
"He's fine. You put ice on it, he went on to eat a big dinner and play with the dog and sing in the bathtub. He's fine."
Even so, that night after I put him to bed, I kept going in there and disturbing him to make sure he was responsive. I know. I'm a freak.
But it seems to me that he's been a little irritable since then, and I read that irritability is a possible sign of a concussion. Today he cried for like 30 minutes straight, starting with when I wouldn't put more toothpaste on his toothbrush. I reported this to DH who sounded like he was totally beyond the limits of all patience, and reminded me that he's 3, and 3 year olds do things like cry for half an hour over toothpaste.
Fine, but I'm going to keep checking his pupils....
In other news, I'm 4 days late, with no sign of AF. Don't get excited, I took a test yesterday and it was negative. So apparently my body has decided to toy with me. Excellent.
If we weren't exact opposites on so many things I would have thought we were raised by the same crazy Mother I have. Except I probably would have snuck him to the hospital and tried to bribe him to keep his mouth shut. And then gotten yelled at by both the doctor for wasting his time and dh for taking him out in the weather we've been having.
Oh. And I tried the same tactic you did with the penis issue (just now started!) in the living room and dh told me I was shaming him. I asked him what he was going to say when Jason started sticking his hand down his pants when we were out in public and he now agrees that it's best to tell him to play in private.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/leona...allelujah.htmlI've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
So, the good news, I guess, is that at this point my hematologist is not recommending daily shots of Lovenox if I were to get pregnant. I say "I guess" because the test results continue to be unhelpful. My clotting levels are still elevated, but just like last time, they are not elevated enough to get a clear picture of what we're dealing with. They didn't go up or down from last time - they're just hovering there right above the line for the normal range. My doctor said that he's suspicious that I actually do have a clotting disorder, but it may not be one that they know about yet. Perfect. And what they do know about and can test for falls just shy of a strong recommendation for blood thinners. So for now, the plan is to forge on without them. Which is good. I guess.
The other thing is, my test results combined with some other symptoms that I have been having including aching joints are pointing more towards lupus. DH and I watch House, and when I told him that they were thinking about lupus, he joked "It's never lupus." (On House, they always suspect that it's lupus. But it never turns out to be lupus. This has become a running joke when we watch it.) But anyway, I guess sometimes it could be lupus. Rough. So I may schedule to go see a rheumatologist at some point.
That's about it. This is the first cycle of TTC'ing again, and I have to say that thusfar I am feeling way more mellow about the whole thing, which is a relief. I don't think I can take another 6 months of the kind of manic obsessiveness that I went through last time. I just don't have it in me.
As some of you may know, DH and I have decided that we're only going to give each other home made gifts. However, we have been having so much fun making stuff that I think most of the gifts we give this season are going to be homemade. We got started this weekend with some stuff that will keep until later in the month. For a couple of DH's cousins and his sister, we made Jolly Rancher Vodka, which turns beautiful colors and is supposedly flavored like the Jolly Ranchers that we used. We made each couple a set of 5 bottles.
We also made some holiday "snack mix" that we are going to give to some coworkers, with nuts, craisins, dried cherries, and milk chocolate and white chocolate chips.
Finally, we started some limoncello for my parents.
My parents are putting in a wet bar in their basement, which is due to be done this month, so all of our gifts to them are bar related. We are also going to make some glasses out of beer bottles and homemade coasters. We're going to take some pictures of my dad's guitars (he's a musician) and modge podge them on to blank coasters.
We are also going to make some beer bottle glasses for my brother and sister and law because I know they would love them, and then we are also getting them a gift certificate for something they really need.
Now we just need to buy a couple of small presents for T, and figure out what we are buying or making for DH's parents. Plus I still need to make my home brewed root beer and etched glasses for DH. Wish me luck getting everything done in the next couple of weeks!
So, don't laugh, but I got a "Chakra Opening Massage" a couple of weeks ago. I know, I know. I don't even know if I believe in *any* higher power - the idea that I'm putting my faith in crystals and a massage therapist that couldn't even fully explain to me what a chakra is is a little goofy. But I had a Groupon, and I really just wanted a massage!
Anyway, I so I got this Chakra Opening Massage, and the lady spun a crystal over my body to find out which chakras were open, and which were closed. Closed indicates a problem. Oh man, I almost can't type this. So anyway, she said that my stomach chakra and my heart chakra were both closed. Stomach represents "Basic Needs" and heart, obviously, is heart, "Love and Relationships."
Now, I don't believe in this stuff, BUT the whole "basic needs" and "relationship" "findings" got me thinking. Are my basic needs being met? Is my heart whole? And BS crystal voodoo or not, I have to answer no to both, if I'm being honest with myself. And I think that the heart problem and the basic needs problem are the same problem, or at least intimately related.
The truth is, I'm still lugging around a bruised heart, and it is effecting the way I treat myself, which in turn has a negative effect on my relationships. Not directly, per se, it's not that I am spending a lot of time fighting with Jon or T. But I have been feeling a space there where one didn't used to exist (between Jon and I) and I know that I could be a better mom to T. Lately I have been coming home and collapsing on the couch each evening, and kind of leaving him to his own devices. I tell myself that if he is playing, that is good, I need to encourage independent play. And while that may be true, it's not the whole truth. The other part is that I feel...more distant....more that I would rather curl up inside a book and not interact with the world, including T, and including DH.
This feeling extends itself to the way I have been treating my body too - not getting much exercise, eating tons of take out, drinking too much red wine or taking Nyquil when I really only have the sniffles, more because I just want something to knock me out. That extends back to my relationships with DH and T - when I don't take good care of myself, when I am careless, I become careless in my relationships with them as well. It's all connected.
I woke up this morning after what I know was a terrible night for DH. I really do have a cold, but in honesty it's not bad enough to require Nyquil, but I took some last night anyway because I wanted to just go into that kind of deep deep sleep that I don't get otherwise. I only took the recommended dose, but it still completely messed me up. I went up to bed around 9:15, and then sometime later DH came to bed. Nyquil had made me so loopy that I didn't realize that I was sleeping on his pillow, and he wanted me to move. I know that I kept trying to say something to him, but he couldn't understand me, so I finally gave up. He got his pillow. Then, later, I must have been snoring pretty loudly (I always snore when I'm sick) because he kept waking me up to turn me over, and I was so tired and so knocked out from the Nyquil, I was getting so mad at him. I finally woke up at around 2 am for some reason, and I saw that he was sleeping with the pillow completely wrapped around his head. Ye gods, how loud was I? Poor guy. This morning, when he said good bye to me, he was less than his usual sweet self, and I know I'm going to hear about it tonight. And all of this isn't such a huge deal. I had a cold. I took some Nyquil. It made me loopy and argumentative. I snored. That's the kind of stuff that a marriage can survive right? Right. Only, what if I did that every night? What if every night I just wanted to be knocked out cold and remove myself from consciousness and every night DH had to fight me for his pillow and fight me to get me to roll over and I couldn't talk to him to tell him why I was on his pillow because I didn't even know and I couldn't make myself heard. What then?
And it all goes back to the fact that I have to love myself more and take better care of myself. I need to eat more real food. I need to get more exercise. I need to stop drugging myself to sleep when I don't need it. I need to stop withdrawing from Jon, and from T, because they are the most important parts of my whole world. I need to take better care of myself so that I can take better care of them.
So here is to opening those g-d chakras once and for all, and taking care of the parts of me that are being neglected.
Pretty simple, actually.
Eat real food. Mostly vegetables.
Step away from the g-d Nyquil.
Last edited by Alissa_Sal; 12-06-2011 at 02:11 PM.
I feel like you are writing about me just with different specifics. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I think I either need therapy or to start meditating or something...
Here's to opening our g-d chakras!
Mama to Kostas with the Mostest, born 07/10/07
and Marek "Cricket" Joshua, born 12/07/12
Alissa, Your post really spoke to me too... Hang in there, and I know you probably don't have time to join us, but if you do, maybe you can join Shauna and me on our Biggest Loser team next challenge! Not sure when it starts, probably in a week or so?