So you know that persistant feeling that I have that something is "not right" with my body? Okay, maybe you don't know, not being privy to my inner most thoughts.
Ever since my m/c, I have just carried around this persistant fear that my body has something "wrong with" it.
Well, today is a suck day, and it's not helping.
I did not get pregnant this month, which would have been a little sad anyway, but I could have dealt. I said elsewhere, and this is true, that one of the fears that I have been carrying around with me ever since my m/c is that I just won't be able to get pregnant again, or if I do that I will lose it again. I think that every month that I want to get pg and don't is going to build on that fear base a little more. But this is worse than that.
I got AF today. Okay, okay, I'm not prg, whatever. What freaks me out is that means that I had a 26 day cycle (totally not the norm for me, I usually have cycles that are right around 30-32 days) and (I know this because I'm charting now) a 10 day luteal phase. Seriously, wtf is wrong with my body? Why is this happening to me? I'm all wonky, which is exactly what I have been scared of.
Yuck, I just don't even want to deal with this right now. I don't think that I have enough emotional distance from everything that happened this winter to add all this to it. I don't think I am going to temp or do anything this month. I almost don't want to know.
Guess who is surfing the internet on a brand new fancy-pants flat LCD screen? (hint: Me!) Out of the blue today, they came through and gave everyone in my department brand new monitors. They're really wide - the sheer expanse of PO goodness is a little dizzying.
It's some sort of employee appreciation week (don't know if that is the reason for the new monitors, but I assume they timed it that way on purpose even if they were already planning on getting us new screens.) This morning they were serving up doughnuts and coffee in the breakroom (and what am I, made of stone? I know I brought a whole wheat bagel and a lite yogurt to eat for breakfast, but, um, they had doughnuts.) They also had buttons that you could pick out and wear. Each one said "I am ________" and had a positive trait on them. Like "I am dedicated." "I am postive." "I am resourceful." The lady standing next to me grumped "I'm not any of these things." and left without taking a button. I was rolling! I picked the button that made me laugh. It says "I am important." I'm kindofabigdeal.
I'm feeling better than the last time I updated. I was in a funk, but what my button should really say is "I am resilient." Sometimes I suspect that I am purely too dumb to stay depressed for very long,(like how your dog can't stay mad or sad for very long because she keeps forgetting to dwell on her problems) but it's hard to keep me down.
So, whatever. I'm not charting this month, and the relief is boundless. I already feel like a thousand times more sane. I want to keep my ticker that shows my CD so that (unlike last time) I won't forget about it until AF is like 2 weeks late. "Wow, CD 48? Gee, maybe I should hit up the pharmacy on the way home..." That's how laid back I used to be. That's how laid back I want to be again. So wish me luck.
Now I'm off to go waddle my doughnut ridden @$$ around a running track. Wish me luck again.
MomW brought it to my attention that I was about to earn my crowns.
So here it is - memoralized forever in my Journal.
My 5,000th post.
Give your body time to get back in the swing of things after a m/c, k? You're not broke.
It's the Wingman day event tomorrow. Guess what the theme is?
You'll bounce back. I just feel it in my bones. Good luck.
Congrats on the crowns.
And I do that too. Get disappointed and then he springs something awesome on me; usually about two or three hours into my funk and quiet treatment (I'm starting to think he does it on purpose so that I'll give him some peace.
Thanks Ladies. I am doing surprisingly well about not stressing so far this month. I'm gunning for an "oops!" pregnancy this time around.
Lillie, you're right behind me. We will have to give you a party when you get your crowns.
Spammers are superannoying. Super.
Anyway, hmmmmm, trying to think of any updates with me. Not much going on. I am still reveling in the massive relief that I feel in not charting my BBT temps. It's really weird, because something so small (taking your temp once a day) should not be such a stressful experience. But I honestly think that just doing that every day caused me to think about TTC first thing in the morning every single morning, and that started my day off just right to obsess about it all day long every day. I was consumed with this fear that the DAY I didn't temp or take an OPK or whatever would be the day that *something* happened that I needed to know about, and I would miss my chance and that would be that and I wouldnevereverhaveababyever.
Now that I'm not temping anymore, I think "Okay, if I miss my chance this month, there is always next month or whatever. Whatever. 80% of couples end up pregnant within a year of not preventing, so the odds are in my favor."
It's probably also helpful to now have that first post m/c TTC AF under my belt. Probably that was just bound to be fraught with significance in my own head no matter what else I was doing.
Anyway, whatevah. I'm over it. I was looking at my beautiful little boy last night, and my sweet husband, and I was thinking about how lucky I am just to have them. Even if this is it, this is our whole family, I have already been given more love and more joy and more friendship in my life than anyone has a right to ask for. It will be enough.
When I was younger, I used to swear that I would never get married, and never have children. How lucky I am to be wrong.
Anyway, off of that topic.
My mom has offered to take T again on Saturday night. Wheeeeee! Date night! I want to plan everything this time, to do something really special for DH. I think I'm going to take him to his favorite steakhouse, as a start. Not sure what we will do after that, but I know that I want it to be fun and all about him. He is so good to me. I want to be so good to him too.
I am sooo glad you are feeling better Alissa. You know I am a big cheater and I just did OPK's. You can get them for $1 a dollar tree. But since you are doing sooo well this month you might just skip that too.
Christy birth doula, Hypnobabies instructor, small business owner & most importantly MOMMY.
Thanks Christy! Yep, I am OVER it. I peed on my pants taking OPKs last month!
How are you feeling? Getting so close now!
Wow. People talk about companies being greedy, the healthcare providers being greedy, insurance companies being greedy. And I bet a lot of times they're right - but then sometimes you see the humanity of the people that work there shining through.
I have had the same OBGYN since about Oct 2008, when I found out I was pregnant with T. That office saw me through my pregnancy with T, my pp check up, my yearly check up in 2009 and 2010, and then my pregnancy and m/c in 2010. It is a fairly small practice, and although they have two offices, I almost always went to the office that is about 5 minutes away from my house. The women that worked at that office always recognized me and remembered T, even when I hadn't been there in close to a year.
In October, I was in my "home" office when I found out that I lost the pregnancy. One of the nurses that had been there my entire pregnancy with T was in the room when the ultrasound showed that the baby was gone. They *knew* me there, and somehow that made it harder to go back for my post m/c checkups - I know that I'm not faceless or anonymous to them, and since they always remember T, they'll also probably always remember that I had a m/c.
Not too long ago I was going over some records and I realized that I hadn't seen a single bill from them since my m/c, even though I had at least 4 visits, and 2 ultrasounds. I thought about it some more today, and suddenly it made me nervous that there had been some kind of billing mix up and that those bills were out there somewhere wrecking my credit, so I called their billing office.
At first, the lady was just really vague - even though I had been fairly specific that I thought I had several visits in October and November that were still outstanding, all she said was "You have a zero balance." I pressed her a little bit, and she finally told me that the last several visits on my records are marked as "no charge."
I have been crying on and off since then, but I can't really tell you what I'm crying about. I guess just because it is so completely unexpected and so very kind. I don't know if it is just thier policy to not charge for m/c visits, but if so, that's a really sweet policy - who wants be reminded of their m/c by having to pay for it? Trust me, I do know how that feels - the bills for my D&C were crazy.
It's just nice. You don't necessarily expect a business to be that...nice.