I had an epiphany this weekend.
I'll admit it; I've always felt a little guilty about being a working mom. There are two truths at play here.
1. If we want to continue to live the lifestyle that we are used to (including our house - we could not afford our mortgage if I didn't work) I have to work.
2. On the other hand, If we wanted to, we could change our lifestyle (sell our house, very carefully watch our spending, et cetera) so that I wouldn't have to work. Other families do it; we could too if we wanted.
The truth that I never really let myself think too much about is that I'm NOT suited to be a stay at home mom. The truth is, I get antsy if we stay home too much over the weekends, let alone if I was home all day every day. I would go stir crazy. I'm also not much for cooking or cleaning. The truth is, I feel guilty about it, but I don't actually want to stay home. It's not something that I would be very good at or happy with.
I remember a debate on the GDB where someone once wrote that she didn't understand why anyone would want to have kids if they weren't willing to stay home and raise them. I think that's always stuck with me, making me feel kind of crappy because I must be a suck parent since I'd rather work. I must not *really* want my kid.
You can see how this would tear you up inside, right?
The epiphany that I had this weekend is that no one ever accuses men of not really wanting or loving thier kids because they work. As a matter of fact, to a certain extent, people look at the fact that men work as proof that they are good husbands and fathers. They are good providers.
I am a good provider too, and I have the potential and opportunity to be a freaking great provider over my lifetime. That is the thing that I can do to take care of my family using my own strengths rather than trying to overcome my weaknesses. So I am deciding to try to put my guilt away and focus on serving my family the best way that I can. I think I am going to have an opportunity to gun for a promotion in the next several months, and by gum, I think I'm going for it. It's time to really start focusing my energy and working towards a goal. Wish me luck.
I'm in the same boat as you, I'm happier and better suited with not staying at home. It's who I am and I'm OK with that. I think the way we serve our children best is making sure we're happy moms and sometimes that means we aren't with them 100% of the time.
Great job accepting yourself.
I went out to lunch with my dad this afternoon. It was nice to get to hang out with him - we've always been close but it strikes me that now whenever we are together, T is the center of attention (but of course) so we are both usually more focused on him rather than having a long conversation with my dad.
I got him talking about his family, and I realized how little I know about them. For whatever reason I have never really been close with my dad's side of the family. I barely knew my paternal grandfather, and had never met his wife of 16 years when they both died in a car accident a couple of years ago. I realized that I don't even know how many aunts and uncles my dad has. 3 living, I found out. There were 8 kids total.
In a way, it is so strange to me, because I am so close to the family that I know. My mom's side of the family, my own parents and brother, and even Jon's parents and sister. It makes me sad to think how things can go so wrong in some families - so wrong that the next generation doesn't even really think of them as family at all. It's kind of a cautionary tale I guess.
Anyway, on to happier thoughts. My brother and his fiance are moving out of their little apartment and into a townhouse this weekend. My brother has helped me move literally like 6 times, so I owe him big. I'm so excited for them to be moving into this place, and I know that they will always think of it as the place they lived when they first got married. Awwww, that is such an exciting time in a young couple's life. It makes me remember how over the moon I was to marry DH. He was like the sweetest, funniest, most thoughtful, (not to mention HOTTEST) guy I had ever met. He still is. Lucky me.
Other than that, not much is going on. I'm heading into the 2ww, and I am determined NOT to make myself nuts, so please, if you see me going nuts, shake me or something.
Alissa, when I did work, I felt horrible when I couldn't be there for my kids. When I had to stay home with them, I felt guilty because I couldn't be at work. So God solved it for me. He put a desire to stay home with my kids. I stepped out in faith and let go of my job. It's been 2 years now and I'm making more working from home than I did at my outside job. God really did intend for moms to stay home with the kiddos, but trust me, I don't fault you one bit for working. I've been there. You're still one amazing mom because you work! ((HUGS))
Ryan and Rachael
Parents to Chase, Abby, Hunter, Rachel, Caleb, Hannah & Nate
~Remembering sweet baby Oliver, born to Heaven October 20, 2009, & keeping Carole in our prayers~
Man, I am sore! In the weirdest place, though. Yesterday, DH and I helped my brother and his fiance move out of their old apartment and into their new place. Their old apartment was on the third floor, so I would understand if my legs or butt hurt from doing those stairs so many times. Also, I carried a LOT of heavy stuff (DH and I even did the largest section of their GIGANTIC sectional couch by ourselves) so I would also expect to have sore arms and/or a sore back. Nope - yours truly must be in pretty good shape, because my arms and legs feel totally normal. My two sore spots are my hips and my hand. I understand the hand - it got slammed and pinched in doorways twice. But my hips? It doesn't feel like something to do with the muscles, more like the joints themselves are sore. I don't get it, but it makes me feel old or something. Every time I stand up, both hips go "Uuuuuuuuuugh. Nooooooooo, walking huuuuurts." Whatevs, I don't care. I am going for a run today, and that is THAT. I am quickly slipping towards my end of April deadline for fitting into that stupid bridesmaid dress, so no more Mr Lazy Guy.
Speaking of, man, lunch sucked today. Okay, I know that "diet" food should actually just be eating healthy in moderate portions. Usually, I like to bring leftovers for lunch. However, we ate take out pretty much all weekend (don't get me started) so we didn't have any leftovers to bring. To that end, I always keep a few Lean Cusine type meals in the freezer as a back up. This one was possibly the most unsatisfying meal ever. My first hint that things were awry was when I looked at the box and it said that the entire meal had 160 calories. Now, I know the point is to reduce your caloric intake, but that is ridiculously low for a meal as far as I'm concerned. It was like 5 little bites of meat in a mushroom gravy sauce, and prob about .5 cup of cooked broccoli. Color me still hungry. Luckily I also brought some carrot sticks and an apple. Because those are so filling. I'm totally stuffed now. Couldn't eat another bite. I am NOT considering gnawing my own arm off. It's all going to be worth it when I'm rocking that strapless Jade ball gown with a sweetheart neckline in a size 10.
Who's skinny? Who's skinny? It's me. It's me. *Does a little dance* LOL - I am a dork. I haven't weighed myself in a while (I think I've been a little scared, LOL) so I decided to hop on the scale this morning to assess the damage. Oh yes. I am only +2 lbs from the weight I was when I tried on the bridesmaid dress back in October. I am fairly confident that I could squeeze my butt into it today if I needed to. Granted, (and this is actually probably a big granted) at the time I was doing a lot of strength training, so I was probably leaner when I tried on the dress, even though I am almost at the same weight. So I'm definitely not in the clear (and even if I was, I need to be better about maintaining my weight - anyone can lose weight, but I always struggle to stay there once I get there.) But I was having nightmares about having to lose like 10 lbs to fit in that stupid dress, and now I know that at least I probably just need to spend the next several months working on toning up a bit, rather than frantically trying to drop a pants size.
I did my full body ST work out last night, and the place where I noticed the biggest reduction in strength was the bench press. Before I lost my motivation, I was bench pressing about 85 lbs, where as this time I needed to do about 65 lbs. Well first I forgot how much the bar weighed and did bad math and ended up doing like 45 lbs thinking that it was 65. It was a breeze! I was like "Oh man, next set I am totally bumping up to atleast 75 lbs. I still got it!" Then I realized my error (since this was a machine and not free weights, which I actually prefer but we don't have at my free work gym, the "bar" was only 25 lbs, not the 45 lbs of a real bar.) Once I bumped it up to the real 65 lbs, I was like "Oh yeah, I lost some strength in the past couple of months." Oh well, nothing to do but build it back up again, right? There for a while I could flex and you could totally see the cuts of my bi's. I was a brute. I shall be again.
What else? Oh yeah, running! So I decided to restart the C25K program to see if I could build up some speed. I'm sick of being like the slowest thing on the track. If That Woman passes me backwards one more time, I think my head is going to explode. Even though, I spoke to her briefly while we were both stretching, and she actually seems super nice. I'm totally the a-hole in this situation, not her. But still, I want to run faster. So I restarted the C25K with the idea that I can totally break the 10 min mile pace if I only have to run for 1 minute at a time, and then I can build on that. And I was right! Monday I did W1D1 and per my Nike+, when I was running I was doing between a 9:07/mile pace and a 9:34/mile pace. I was FLYING (for me). So that is my new plan - just knock it out of the park (for me) for my 1 minute intervals this week, and then see if I can run at the same pace for 1.5 minute intervals next week, and so on. Wish me luck with that.
On another topic, can I just say that the 2WW is draaaaaaaagging by? Ugh - I was doing so well at not obsessing for the first part of this cycle. But now, every day I keep thinking "It's got to be almost time for my period to come or not come by now." And then I count on my fingers and realize that I'm only an estimated 5 dpo. How is that even possible? It's been weeks, months, YEARS.
My daycare lady did NOT help this morning either. They've got a new baby at daycare, and this morning she was talking about how T likes the baby so much, and is so good with the baby, and says that he wants a little sister. Which I kind of knew already because he has said stuff like that to me lately as well. I think that she was hinting that we should start trying or fishing for info to see if I am pg or something and that is why T keeps talking about it. Yeah, thanks, I'm not crazy enough or anything, please add pressure from my child and daycare lady. Maybe next my mom can get in on the act.
Can I just vent for a single moment, a single sentence....
Why is everyone getting pregnant but me?
Okay, whine over. Trust me, I typed that in a super whiney nasally voice. But whine over now, I just had to get it off my chest.
Okay, moving on.
My eating was out of control this weekend. I don't know what my deal was, I was just FAMISHED. Okay, I kind of earned it on Sunday. Sunday I did an (extremely tough!) hour of Zumba, and then we took T for a walk to the park and then ran with him in the soccer field for a while. But I don't really have an excuse for Friday or Saturday's excesses. Oh well, back on the wagon today.
Speaking of Zumba, I am so freaking sore. My entire core (especially my back and sides) feels like I got hit by a truck or something. I think I'm going to make a habit of going to the Sunday class instead of the Saturday class because that instructor is intense! I looked like I had run a 10K by the end of it (drenched in sweat, bright red, panting.) Take that, muffin top!
T did NOT appreciate the time change. (I don't blame him, I HATE the time change!) He usually wakes up on his own around 7 am while I am finishing up getting dressed. I was running late this morning (because I also hate the time change) so when I was finally ready at close to 7:30, he was still fast asleep. When I went in to wake him up, he literally threw the blanket over his head. Poor little guy - how do I explain that Ben Franklin thought this would make it better for farmers like 200+ years ago and for some reason we are still doing it?
Ugh, I feel like crap today. It just really kicked in this afternoon, all of the sudden. I'm exhausted (Effyouverymuch, time change) and now I'm nauseous. Vunderbar. Tonight is supposed to be my night to cook dinner, which means that I also have to go to the grocery store (that's AFTER I pick up The Boy from daycare and stop off at the bakery to pick up a cake for my cousin's bday party tomorrow.) All I want to do is go home and sleep, please. I did tell DH that I was going to find something ridiculously easy to make for dinner tonight (a la frozen pizza, except not frozen pizza because the idea makes me gag a little bit.) He was cool with that, and even said he'd do the dishes. Stellar guy. Okay, I'm being snarky now. lol
Before somebody gets all excited like "OMG that could be morning sickness!!" (And by "somebody" I mean "me" because of course that's where my brain went) - no. Get it out of your head, Me. I broke down and took a FRER on Sunday (9dpo) and then another one yesterday (oh the shame) and they were both negative. I know, I said I was going to take it easy this month. The 2ww broke my resolve (although it has now been over 24 hours since I peed on anything - woohoo for me.) So yes, a (snowy white) BFN at 10 dpo is not conclusive, but I would think that even if I was pregnant, the hormone levels would not change so drastically from yesterday to today that yesterday I couldn't even trigger a preg test, and today I'm having full blown (superduper early) preg symptoms. I think it's more likely that I ate something that disagreed with me and Ifreakinghatethetimechange.
I hope I'm feeling better by tomorrow. My cousin is in state visiting her sister (my other cousin, Shanna) for her birthday. Tomorrow night we are all supposed to meet at this fancydancy restaurant in downtown Denver. This place makes my lip curl. Okay, I've only been there once, but the one time I went I thought it was super pretensious and I did NOT like the way our waitress hooted with derision when my uncle (okay, not the most sophisticated cat on the block) tried to order his tuna steak medium. "Hahahahahaha you do NOT ruin sushi quality tuna steak by cooking it to medium hahahahahahaha." I can totally understand trying to talk him out of it, but this was more like trying to shame him out of it. Anyway, whatevs, that place has been on my SomebodyThinksThey'reSpecial list for like a decade, but Shanna called my mom (who looooooves that place) for a restaurant recommend, so off we go. Okay, the part that made me turn white with rage? Like 2 weeks ago poor Shanna calls me to make double extra sure that Jon and I are going. Why? Because they won't take a reservation unless you give them a credit card number, and if any of your party doesn't show, they'll charge $25 per person!!!! (I keep adding exclamation points as I get more and more irritated thinking about this.) !!!!! Seriously. I have never heard of such a thing. But I shouldn't be surprised. SomebodyThinksThey'reSpecial. So anyway, even if I have the stomach flu or something, I have to go tomorrow because otherwise I'll owe Shanna $50 (since I'm sure Jon wouldn't go either - or maybe he would if it's going to cost him $25.) Hate. Hate the SomebodyThinksThey'reSpecial Dipping Grill.