Outtakes

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Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427
Outtakes

First of all, some housekeeping –
This journal is kind of a follow on from my other journal -
http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?p=8355846#post8355846
That journal was about dealing with my miscarriage, and it just kind of seemed appropriate to start a new one for my random ramblings.
I know that the rules of the Journal Boards state not to comment on people’s journals, but I welcome comments, so if you are moved to speak don’t be shy. Smile
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I guess this is kind of a combo TTC and general journal, which is why I decided to leave it here. Okay, you want the truth? I think that the truth is that I am secretly hoping that I will find out that I'm knocked up in roughly 20 days, and then there won't be any need for a "TTC" journal. I know, I'm lame.
Anyway, what's new with me? Hmmmm....well, I got subpeonaed by the FBI today. :eek: Okay, it wasn't as dramatic as I'm making it sound. One of my clients found a bomb near their parking lot on MLK day, so the the FBI is asking for some info from my company that they hope will help them with their investigation. I literally spoke on the phone with the FBI agent long enough to exchange pleasantries and give him my fax number, and then as soon as I got the faxed subpeona for the documentation they were looking for I forwarded it immediately to our legal department so they could pull together the documentation. So yeah, I didn't play a huge role in the investigation or anything. Still, it was kind of an exciting 20 minutes. One of my coworkers pulled the fax off the fax machine and was like "Ummm, why is the FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force faxing stuff to you???" Um, because I am assisting in a federal investigation, duh. Lol
DH is texting me to get off my butt and go for my run. He's right - I need a serious kick in the pants. I have ZERO motivation right now. But, since I want them to pick someone hot to play me in the made for TV movie about this case, I'd better get my butt in gear. Going running now.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I did go running at the gym on Wednesday (and will go again tonight.) I would rather run outside, but the weather has been so weird lately and I need to get better gear for running outside when it's cold. Maybe I can get some of those sexxxxy running tights and blind all of the passing cars with my lovely lady humps. Or something. Lol

So instead, I went running at the indoor track in my gym, and saw That Woman. That Woman is this woman that see running on the track pretty much every single time I go after work. I always notice her because I find the way she runs extremely annoying. Okay, intellectually I know that I find her annoying because a) she's way faster than me and b) she runs with way better form than I do. Also intellectually, I don't want to hate on someone for gittin'er done. I should be cheering her on like "Get on with your bad self, girl! Tear up that track!" But when I see her galloping gracefully past me looking for all the world like a lean little gazelle, my stupid brain DOESN'T say "Look at her go! Good for her!" Instead, it says "Ugh, her again? Jeez, why don't you...um...um...(can't think of anything she's doing wrong to comment on)...whatever, shut up, the way you run is annoying." And so there is my nasty little truth of the day - I'm a Hater.

I'm trying to work on it, truly. Whenever I see her flashing past me, I try to remind myself that I should not be competing with or comparing myself against anyone else on the track. This is not a race, we both just happen to be working on our own health goals within the same building. If anything, we should be supporting each other.

The weird part is that it's really just her. I can't even say that I care so much that she's so much faster than me. Trust me, LOTS of people are faster than me. Probably anyone who runs with any regularity at all is faster than me because I am sloooooow. It's a great day for me when I hit a 10 minute mile. I'm just not fast. By the time I'm finished with a couple of miles, I'm sure old ladies powerwalking at the mall could lap me, and I wouldn't care. I never resent anyone else for being faster than me; I expect people to be faster than me. So it's not even the speed thing. It's the way she runs, I think. Which is completely dumb because I think she runs the way you are supposed to run - lightly, on her toes. I, on the other hand, plod along like a ox.

Also, I get the distinct feeling that she's taunting me. She alternates walking and running, but she never passes up the opportunity to run if it means that she can fly past me and out in front of me. Never. That can't be a coincidence, can it? Also, she doesn't turn weird colors when she runs. What's up with that? When I run, I turn bright red, except for my lips which actually get paler. It's super attractive. She, on the other hand, remains nicely flesh toned.

So anyway, there I am, huffing and puffind along, all beet red and heavy tromping feet, and I swear to god, the b!tch streaks past me backwards. Backwards! And again, I swear it felt like taunting because she flashes past me backwards and then as soon as she was past me she turned around and ran (at the speed of light) the normal way again. And then she kept doing it - every time she passed me, she ran backwards, and then turned around again. I was like "are you freaking kidding me?????"

Anyway, whatever. I will probably see her again today, and I will once again work on not hating her. I should be happy for her and her graceful lightning fast (backwards) toe run. Me being annoyed by her says way more about her than it does about me, right? Right.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

TTC is so weird. I think it's entirely possible that I make it weirder than it needs to be, but even so. I was sitting there this morning staring at a piece of toliet paper and trying to decide "would you call that sticky or creamy? I guess it's kind of like lotion...." Ew, really? I think Mr. JLIH himself (otherwise known as my husband) may have the right idea. I can tell you for a fact, a FACT, that he would never sit around trying to analyze his bodily fluids for signs of fertility. And if he did, he certainly wouldn't blog/post about it on a public forum. Lol

Whatever.

I think that I should pretty much accept that he's cooler and smarter than me even on my best day. He went to the grocery store on Monday and came home with a Valentine's Day present for T (a little Elmo tin with a handle that we can fill up with stickers and crayons and whatnot) and Valentines that T can give to his fellow daycare-ees and grandparents. I was like Vale-what? It hadn't even crossed my mind that V day was coming up and I should be doing something thoughtful for my spouse, let alone our child. Which is reason #5127 that he is the Smart Thoughtful one in the family, and I'm the Consistently Bewildered Buffoon. Lol

I ordered my bridesmaid's dress yesterday. So that pretty much means that I'd better stay a size 10 (or less, please god, less) for the next 6 months. Unless I get pregnant. I wonder how that would work out? Anyway, as I am not currently pregnant and thus have no excuse not to fit into my dress, I am about to leave work and go for a run. That's like, my one defense against a rapidly expanding waistline. If I were...I dunno...more discliplined somehow....maybe I could just eat less and not be locked in this constant death struggle with the scale. But I'm not that discliplined, so instead I have to spend countless hours circling a running track like a hamster in a wheel. I keep waiting to become one of those people that is "addicted to" exercise. Any day now. Any day.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Alissa, you are totally cracking me up with your musings! lol On the EWCM... one thing I notice is that when I'm ovulating, I really tend to get in the mood, too. Rachael

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Thanks Rachael! I'll keep it in mind - when I'm ready to pounce on DH like a lion on a gazelle, I just might be O'ing. Lol

********************************************************
I peed on my pants today. Not "in", per se, more like "on." I was using an OPK (because, in case no one has picked up on this, I have lost my mind over this whole TTC thing.) and somehow I managed to hold the thing at just the right angle to direct the backsplash onto my pants. Brill. The really gross part? I was at work and really couldn't leave and it was only just a little bit. So I'm still wearing the pee pants. And this is why I may never get knocked up - I'm just so NOT sexy.

Speaking of people who still pee in/on their pants, I'm thinking about enrolling T in a "introduction to sports" class at the rec center. It's for 3-5 year olds and they learn a variety of sports - basketball, baseball, football. The only thing is that he won't be 3 yet - the class starts in April and he doesn't turn 3 until June. I'm wondering if that's going to make a big difference. Is it obnoxious to enroll my 2 year old in a class meant for 3-5 year olds? Like "I KNOW the class is for (slightly) older children, but MY child is so ADVANCED that he can totally handle it." And then it turns out that it really is too advanced for him, and it sucks for him and sucks for the other kids?

Maybe I will wait to see if the Summer calendar has the class again, once he really is 3. Or I guess we could wait until next Spring when he's almost 4. I just really really want to get him involved in stuff like that. I can see how my life would be different and better if I just always loved sports and activities like that. I spent my childhood with my face in a book; I was never really athletic. I wish I was; I probably wouldn't struggle so much to stay in shape now.

But it's not even just the athletics part - I was a really shy little kid and I think that maybe if my parents had pushed me to get out of my shell a little bit and participate in team sports I might be less shy now. Not that I'm super shy as an adult, but it just came up that we need to start doing more public speaking, and that scares the crap out of me. So maybe that would be easier too - who knows.

Anyway, blah, I'm just rambling now, so I'm going to go for a run and start my weekend.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I am officially in TTC Hell. I've got it bad. Charting, OPKs, analyzing CM, the whole nine yards. And the thing of it is, it's making the whole thing not any fun. The last two times I got pregnant, it was fun and exciting, but this time it's just been stressful. I'm the one that's acting like a Ruiner - trying to overanalyze everything. And the thing is, I had zero problems getting pregnant the first two times. With T, I was pregnant within 2 cycles. With the baby I lost, I was pregnant the first full cycle that we stopped preventing. There is really nothing that points to the idea that I will have "trouble" conceiving. And with the last two, I was totally relaxed about the whole thing. I didn't chart. I didn't temp. I didn't pee on sticks. Hell, with the last one I didn't even realize that I was late with AF until I realized that I was really late, and went back and did the math and realized that I was on like CD 42. The most I ever did was kind of casually note that I was "around" CD 14, and then rub up against hubby. LOL

But this time around, I'm trying to micromanage everything. And you know what I really think - I think that it's a control thing. I said this on the TTCAL board and I really think it's true - I couldn't control anything about my m/c, so I'm trying to control everything about TTC this time. And it sucks, I hate it. I want to stop, but it's almost like I'm scared to stop because I think that the moment I stop is the moment that I'll miss my big opportunity to "catch the egg" because I didn't know.

I'm thinking about quitting everything and just trying to go back to JLIH. I know that is what DH would tell me to do if I asked him (I haven't told him about peeing on sticks - he would be literally horrified.)

As a side note, do you know what I love about being with the same person for coming up on a decade now? I don't actually have to have an argument or discussion with him to know what he would say. I have whole arguments with him in my head because it's not actually necessary for me to involve him in them - I know what I would say, and what he would say, and I can save us both a lot of frustration if I just take on both roles. Lol

Anyway, here is to calming down and just letting things proceed naturally. God knows it doesn't take a thermometer and a full package of pee sticks for (most) women throughout the course of history to get pregnant. I want to make a promise to myself (and my poor DH) to stop treating this like a really super important life changing science experiment, and start treating it like the natural progression of our love for each other. That sounds nice and restful, doesn't it?

wlillie's picture
Joined: 09/17/07
Posts: 1796

I do that too. Argue with dh in my head and then not even bother him with our conversation.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Haha Lillie, I'm glad to know that I am not the only one. The sad part is, I usually lose the arguments - even in my own head. Lol

This is for you Mary. Wink I've been meaning to update for a couple of days, but you gave me the push I needed.

I'm too excited. DH and I are going to a par-tay on Saturday night, and my mom is keeping T over night. I honestly don't know what I'm more looking forward to - getting out of the house and socializing, or just sleeping in. The good news about my little guy is that he's not one of these night owls that you hear about. I was talking to one of my friends from high school not too long ago, and she told me that her DS (who is a little over a year old) stays up until like 11 pm every night. Seriously, I would die. It's not even about what I think is an "appropriate" bed time for children. She goes to work later in the day so her DS can sleep late, so no biggie, he's still getting his needed sleep. But I would die because a) I don't even like to stay up to 11 most nights and b) I need at least an hour every night to fold laundry and do all the things that I won't let T do like eat ice cream and potato chips before bed. Lol T goes to bed at 8, and there are some nights when he's being a total two year old where I start eying him speculatively at like 7:15 thinking "by the time I brush his teeth and get him in his jammies and rock him and tell him a story and sing his three songs* it will have to be at least 7:30...that's only half an hour early...."

*Oh yes. Our bed time routine has evolved into this whole production with original storytelling and songs....I could print up fliers and sell tickets to the Alissa_Sal Family Sleepytime Revue.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, the goods and the bad news. The good news is that T is fairly "early to bed." The bad news is that the second half of that saying is "early to rise." That kid would not sleep past 7 if you drugged him. Which is fine on the weekdays, but makes me a sad Panda on the weekends.

He's so notorious for getting up early (and I come from such a long line of lazy sleep-in-ers) that on New Years Eve my mom actually offered to watch him so we could go out - but only on the condition that Jon and/or I sneak into their house at 7 on New Years morning to pick him up and take him home before he woke up the whole house. And it's not even that that my parents were planning on drinking it up on New Years or anything, it's just that it's well known that they (like me) love to sleep in and T does not.

But this weekend I had an ace in the hole. My dad was out of town during this big snow storm, so my mom called and asked if DH would come over and shovel her driveway and front walk before the HOA started breathing down her neck. Of Course he would! Anything to help out family! There is just one thing, of course. I demand babysitting with full overnight priviledges. Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha

So that's my big plan this weekend. Going to a birthday party, nice, whatever, THEN I am going home and sleeping in until at least 9. Heaven!

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Happy Valentine's Day to anyone reading this! No plans here, but I just remembered that we have like 3/4s of a leftover French Silk pie in the fridge, so at least our un-plans include pie. Un-Plans with pie is better than most Plans without pie, so I'm happy.

Tristan scared the crap out of my on Saturday morning. This was first thing in the morning (of course) and I woke up because I heard him sneezing in his bedroom. I was almost back to sleep when he walked into our bedroom and touched my arm to wake me up. I looked up, all bleary eyed, to find his face covered in blood. What he says to me is not "Aaaaaaaaaaah! I'm covered in blooooooooood!" (which would be a reasonal conversation starter under the circumstances.) What he says is "I have a booger."

I start making these little gasping noises because my beloved child is covered in blood, which surprisingly wakes up DH (he usually sleeps like a bear - little indrawn breaths would NOT typically be enough to disturb him.) DH starts awake, takes one look at me and T and says "Don't freak out, you'll scare him." Which is surprisingly good advice.

So, I just got up, took T in the bathroom, and started cleaning him up. He had blood on his face, on his hands, on his jammies, and I found blood on his sheet too. He wasn't in any pain as far as I could tell, and I think that it started when he was in bed (since there was blood on his sheet) so I don't think he hit it on anything.

My brother used to get spontaneous nosebleeds every once in a while when he was little, and there was nothing really "wrong with" him that the doctors could ever find, so I am hoping that this was just that - nothing wrong with him, just a one time weirdo no reason nose bleed. Geez it was scary though.

I took a pg test today. I'm dumb - of course it was a BFN - I'm only 7dpo and it wasn't even a super sensitive test, it was just a $ Tree because that's what I happened to have on hand. I swear I thought I saw the very faintest of lines (like the VERY faintest of lines - so faint it was quite possibly not actually there.) I knew that I shouldn't have tested today, but, but, it's Valentine's Day! That somehow seemed relevent at the time. LOL

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

You know how they say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Well, I think that the way to a woman's heart is through her kids. Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I guess in my heart of hearts I was really hoping that DH was going to surprise me by arranging for us to go out. I texted him with a grocery list during the day and never heard back, so I took that as a hopeful sign (somehow) that he wasn't going grocery shopping and that maybe just maybe he had arranged for one of our moms to take T so that we could go out to eat.

I was childishly disappointed when I walked in the door and he was cooking dinner. Like, who gets disappointed when someone else is willing to cook for them? And, actually, it was really sweet. He was making a pasta dish that he knows that I like. But still, I felt a little let down. Until we gave T that Elmo tin that DH had gotten for him. When DH got the tin, I had remarked that maybe we should put some little stickers and candy and whatnot in it. But then I never made it to the store, so I never got anything to put in it. DH didn't say anything about it, and I figured that T would still like the empty tin that maybe he could put his cars or something in. When I showed T how to open the tin, I discovered that not only had DH bought the tin in the first place, but that he had filled it with Dum Dum suckers, temporary tattoos, a little rubber frog toy, and those magnetic letters for the fridge. T was soooo excited. And I melted. I could not have felt more moved or happy if he had presented me with a box of chocolates and a dozen long stem roses and a dinner reservation at the schmancy-est place in town. Love that man! He is such a good daddy.

And I know, maybe it's weird that I should melt when he treats "my" kid well - T is as much DH's kid as he is mine. But....I don't know....it still makes my heart swell a little in my chest whenever he does something sweet like that.

Oh, AND he pre-ordered me a book, he just didn't realize that it wasn't coming out until May.

All I got him was a bag of chocolates and a card that lets you record your own voice saying something. I did not say something sweet, I made a dumb joke, as it is my want to do.

So moral of the story? I'm a [EMAIL=jack@$$]jack@$$[/EMAIL] for feeling disappointed that he wasn't taking me out.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

EFF.

Effity-eff-eff-EFF!!!!!!!!

So you know that persistant feeling that I have that something is "not right" with my body? Okay, maybe you don't know, not being privy to my inner most thoughts.

Ever since my m/c, I have just carried around this persistant fear that my body has something "wrong with" it.

Well, today is a suck day, and it's not helping.

I did not get pregnant this month, which would have been a little sad anyway, but I could have dealt. I said elsewhere, and this is true, that one of the fears that I have been carrying around with me ever since my m/c is that I just won't be able to get pregnant again, or if I do that I will lose it again. I think that every month that I want to get pg and don't is going to build on that fear base a little more. But this is worse than that.

I got AF today. Okay, okay, I'm not prg, whatever. What freaks me out is that means that I had a 26 day cycle (totally not the norm for me, I usually have cycles that are right around 30-32 days) and (I know this because I'm charting now) a 10 day luteal phase. Seriously, wtf is wrong with my body? Why is this happening to me? I'm all wonky, which is exactly what I have been scared of.

Yuck, I just don't even want to deal with this right now. I don't think that I have enough emotional distance from everything that happened this winter to add all this to it. I don't think I am going to temp or do anything this month. I almost don't want to know.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Guess who is surfing the internet on a brand new fancy-pants flat LCD screen? (hint: Me!) Out of the blue today, they came through and gave everyone in my department brand new monitors. They're really wide - the sheer expanse of PO goodness is a little dizzying.

It's some sort of employee appreciation week (don't know if that is the reason for the new monitors, but I assume they timed it that way on purpose even if they were already planning on getting us new screens.) This morning they were serving up doughnuts and coffee in the breakroom (and what am I, made of stone? I know I brought a whole wheat bagel and a lite yogurt to eat for breakfast, but, um, they had doughnuts.) They also had buttons that you could pick out and wear. Each one said "I am ________" and had a positive trait on them. Like "I am dedicated." "I am postive." "I am resourceful." The lady standing next to me grumped "I'm not any of these things." and left without taking a button. I was rolling! I picked the button that made me laugh. It says "I am important." Lol I'm kindofabigdeal. Lol

I'm feeling better than the last time I updated. I was in a funk, but what my button should really say is "I am resilient." Sometimes I suspect that I am purely too dumb to stay depressed for very long,(like how your dog can't stay mad or sad for very long because she keeps forgetting to dwell on her problems) but it's hard to keep me down.

So, whatever. I'm not charting this month, and the relief is boundless. I already feel like a thousand times more sane. I want to keep my ticker that shows my CD so that (unlike last time) I won't forget about it until AF is like 2 weeks late. "Wow, CD 48? Gee, maybe I should hit up the pharmacy on the way home..." That's how laid back I used to be. That's how laid back I want to be again. So wish me luck.

Now I'm off to go waddle my doughnut ridden @$$ around a running track. Wish me luck again. Lol

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427
My 5,000 post

MomW brought it to my attention that I was about to earn my crowns.

So here it is - memoralized forever in my Journal.

My 5,000th post.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

:party:

Give your body time to get back in the swing of things after a m/c, k? You're not broke.

wlillie's picture
Joined: 09/17/07
Posts: 1796

It's the Wingman day event tomorrow. Guess what the theme is?

RESILIENCE.

You'll bounce back. I just feel it in my bones. Good luck.

Congrats on the crowns.

And I do that too. Get disappointed and then he springs something awesome on me; usually about two or three hours into my funk and quiet treatment (I'm starting to think he does it on purpose so that I'll give him some peace.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Thanks Ladies. I am doing surprisingly well about not stressing so far this month. I'm gunning for an "oops!" pregnancy this time around. Wink

Lillie, you're right behind me. We will have to give you a party when you get your crowns.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Spammers are superannoying. Super.

Anyway, hmmmmm, trying to think of any updates with me. Not much going on. I am still reveling in the massive relief that I feel in not charting my BBT temps. It's really weird, because something so small (taking your temp once a day) should not be such a stressful experience. But I honestly think that just doing that every day caused me to think about TTC first thing in the morning every single morning, and that started my day off just right to obsess about it all day long every day. I was consumed with this fear that the DAY I didn't temp or take an OPK or whatever would be the day that *something* happened that I needed to know about, and I would miss my chance and that would be that and I wouldnevereverhaveababyever.

Now that I'm not temping anymore, I think "Okay, if I miss my chance this month, there is always next month or whatever. Whatever. 80% of couples end up pregnant within a year of not preventing, so the odds are in my favor."

It's probably also helpful to now have that first post m/c TTC AF under my belt. Probably that was just bound to be fraught with significance in my own head no matter what else I was doing.

Anyway, whatevah. I'm over it. I was looking at my beautiful little boy last night, and my sweet husband, and I was thinking about how lucky I am just to have them. Even if this is it, this is our whole family, I have already been given more love and more joy and more friendship in my life than anyone has a right to ask for. It will be enough.

When I was younger, I used to swear that I would never get married, and never have children. How lucky I am to be wrong.

Anyway, off of that topic.

My mom has offered to take T again on Saturday night. Wheeeeee! Date night! I want to plan everything this time, to do something really special for DH. I think I'm going to take him to his favorite steakhouse, as a start. Not sure what we will do after that, but I know that I want it to be fun and all about him. He is so good to me. I want to be so good to him too.

Mom2ThreeKiddos's picture
Joined: 09/15/09
Posts: 1380

I am sooo glad you are feeling better Alissa. You know I am a big cheater and I just did OPK's. You can get them for $1 a dollar tree. But since you are doing sooo well this month you might just skip that too.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Thanks Christy! Yep, I am OVER it. I peed on my pants taking OPKs last month! Lol

How are you feeling? Getting so close now!

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Wow. People talk about companies being greedy, the healthcare providers being greedy, insurance companies being greedy. And I bet a lot of times they're right - but then sometimes you see the humanity of the people that work there shining through.

I have had the same OBGYN since about Oct 2008, when I found out I was pregnant with T. That office saw me through my pregnancy with T, my pp check up, my yearly check up in 2009 and 2010, and then my pregnancy and m/c in 2010. It is a fairly small practice, and although they have two offices, I almost always went to the office that is about 5 minutes away from my house. The women that worked at that office always recognized me and remembered T, even when I hadn't been there in close to a year.

In October, I was in my "home" office when I found out that I lost the pregnancy. One of the nurses that had been there my entire pregnancy with T was in the room when the ultrasound showed that the baby was gone. They *knew* me there, and somehow that made it harder to go back for my post m/c checkups - I know that I'm not faceless or anonymous to them, and since they always remember T, they'll also probably always remember that I had a m/c.

Not too long ago I was going over some records and I realized that I hadn't seen a single bill from them since my m/c, even though I had at least 4 visits, and 2 ultrasounds. I thought about it some more today, and suddenly it made me nervous that there had been some kind of billing mix up and that those bills were out there somewhere wrecking my credit, so I called their billing office.

At first, the lady was just really vague - even though I had been fairly specific that I thought I had several visits in October and November that were still outstanding, all she said was "You have a zero balance." I pressed her a little bit, and she finally told me that the last several visits on my records are marked as "no charge."

I have been crying on and off since then, but I can't really tell you what I'm crying about. I guess just because it is so completely unexpected and so very kind. I don't know if it is just thier policy to not charge for m/c visits, but if so, that's a really sweet policy - who wants be reminded of their m/c by having to pay for it? Trust me, I do know how that feels - the bills for my D&C were crazy.

It's just nice. You don't necessarily expect a business to be that...nice.

JuneorJulyBaby?'s picture
Joined: 10/20/08
Posts: 2479

I'm rooting for you Alissa. That is really nice of your OB office...they really care about YOU and not your money.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Thank you Angela - I am rooting for you too.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I had an epiphany this weekend.

I'll admit it; I've always felt a little guilty about being a working mom. There are two truths at play here.
1. If we want to continue to live the lifestyle that we are used to (including our house - we could not afford our mortgage if I didn't work) I have to work.
2. On the other hand, If we wanted to, we could change our lifestyle (sell our house, very carefully watch our spending, et cetera) so that I wouldn't have to work. Other families do it; we could too if we wanted.

The truth that I never really let myself think too much about is that I'm NOT suited to be a stay at home mom. The truth is, I get antsy if we stay home too much over the weekends, let alone if I was home all day every day. I would go stir crazy. I'm also not much for cooking or cleaning. The truth is, I feel guilty about it, but I don't actually want to stay home. It's not something that I would be very good at or happy with.

I remember a debate on the GDB where someone once wrote that she didn't understand why anyone would want to have kids if they weren't willing to stay home and raise them. I think that's always stuck with me, making me feel kind of crappy because I must be a suck parent since I'd rather work. I must not *really* want my kid.

You can see how this would tear you up inside, right?

The epiphany that I had this weekend is that no one ever accuses men of not really wanting or loving thier kids because they work. As a matter of fact, to a certain extent, people look at the fact that men work as proof that they are good husbands and fathers. They are good providers.

I am a good provider too, and I have the potential and opportunity to be a freaking great provider over my lifetime. That is the thing that I can do to take care of my family using my own strengths rather than trying to overcome my weaknesses. So I am deciding to try to put my guilt away and focus on serving my family the best way that I can. I think I am going to have an opportunity to gun for a promotion in the next several months, and by gum, I think I'm going for it. It's time to really start focusing my energy and working towards a goal. Wish me luck.

Joined: 08/03/07
Posts: 3191

I'm in the same boat as you, I'm happier and better suited with not staying at home. It's who I am and I'm OK with that. I think the way we serve our children best is making sure we're happy moms and sometimes that means we aren't with them 100% of the time.

Great job accepting yourself.

Cindy

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Thanks Cindy! Biggrin

I went out to lunch with my dad this afternoon. It was nice to get to hang out with him - we've always been close but it strikes me that now whenever we are together, T is the center of attention (but of course) so we are both usually more focused on him rather than having a long conversation with my dad.

I got him talking about his family, and I realized how little I know about them. For whatever reason I have never really been close with my dad's side of the family. I barely knew my paternal grandfather, and had never met his wife of 16 years when they both died in a car accident a couple of years ago. I realized that I don't even know how many aunts and uncles my dad has. 3 living, I found out. There were 8 kids total.

In a way, it is so strange to me, because I am so close to the family that I know. My mom's side of the family, my own parents and brother, and even Jon's parents and sister. It makes me sad to think how things can go so wrong in some families - so wrong that the next generation doesn't even really think of them as family at all. It's kind of a cautionary tale I guess.

Anyway, on to happier thoughts. My brother and his fiance are moving out of their little apartment and into a townhouse this weekend. My brother has helped me move literally like 6 times, so I owe him big. I'm so excited for them to be moving into this place, and I know that they will always think of it as the place they lived when they first got married. Awwww, that is such an exciting time in a young couple's life. It makes me remember how over the moon I was to marry DH. He was like the sweetest, funniest, most thoughtful, (not to mention HOTTEST) guy I had ever met. He still is. Lucky me. Biggrin

Other than that, not much is going on. I'm heading into the 2ww, and I am determined NOT to make myself nuts, so please, if you see me going nuts, shake me or something.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Alissa, when I did work, I felt horrible when I couldn't be there for my kids. When I had to stay home with them, I felt guilty because I couldn't be at work. So God solved it for me. He put a desire to stay home with my kids. I stepped out in faith and let go of my job. It's been 2 years now and I'm making more working from home than I did at my outside job. God really did intend for moms to stay home with the kiddos, but trust me, I don't fault you one bit for working. I've been there. You're still one amazing mom because you work! ((HUGS))

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Thanks Rachael.

Man, I am sore! In the weirdest place, though. Yesterday, DH and I helped my brother and his fiance move out of their old apartment and into their new place. Their old apartment was on the third floor, so I would understand if my legs or butt hurt from doing those stairs so many times. Also, I carried a LOT of heavy stuff (DH and I even did the largest section of their GIGANTIC sectional couch by ourselves) so I would also expect to have sore arms and/or a sore back. Nope - yours truly must be in pretty good shape, because my arms and legs feel totally normal. My two sore spots are my hips and my hand. I understand the hand - it got slammed and pinched in doorways twice. But my hips? It doesn't feel like something to do with the muscles, more like the joints themselves are sore. I don't get it, but it makes me feel old or something. Every time I stand up, both hips go "Uuuuuuuuuugh. Nooooooooo, walking huuuuurts." Whatevs, I don't care. I am going for a run today, and that is THAT. I am quickly slipping towards my end of April deadline for fitting into that stupid bridesmaid dress, so no more Mr Lazy Guy.

Speaking of, man, lunch sucked today. Okay, I know that "diet" food should actually just be eating healthy in moderate portions. Usually, I like to bring leftovers for lunch. However, we ate take out pretty much all weekend (don't get me started) so we didn't have any leftovers to bring. To that end, I always keep a few Lean Cusine type meals in the freezer as a back up. This one was possibly the most unsatisfying meal ever. My first hint that things were awry was when I looked at the box and it said that the entire meal had 160 calories. Now, I know the point is to reduce your caloric intake, but that is ridiculously low for a meal as far as I'm concerned. It was like 5 little bites of meat in a mushroom gravy sauce, and prob about .5 cup of cooked broccoli. Color me still hungry. Luckily I also brought some carrot sticks and an apple. Because those are so filling. I'm totally stuffed now. Couldn't eat another bite. I am NOT considering gnawing my own arm off. Lol It's all going to be worth it when I'm rocking that strapless Jade ball gown with a sweetheart neckline in a size 10. Lol

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Who's skinny? Who's skinny? It's me. It's me. *Does a little dance* LOL - I am a dork. I haven't weighed myself in a while (I think I've been a little scared, LOL) so I decided to hop on the scale this morning to assess the damage. Oh yes. I am only +2 lbs from the weight I was when I tried on the bridesmaid dress back in October. I am fairly confident that I could squeeze my butt into it today if I needed to. Granted, (and this is actually probably a big granted) at the time I was doing a lot of strength training, so I was probably leaner when I tried on the dress, even though I am almost at the same weight. So I'm definitely not in the clear (and even if I was, I need to be better about maintaining my weight - anyone can lose weight, but I always struggle to stay there once I get there.) But I was having nightmares about having to lose like 10 lbs to fit in that stupid dress, and now I know that at least I probably just need to spend the next several months working on toning up a bit, rather than frantically trying to drop a pants size. Wink

I did my full body ST work out last night, and the place where I noticed the biggest reduction in strength was the bench press. Before I lost my motivation, I was bench pressing about 85 lbs, where as this time I needed to do about 65 lbs. Well first I forgot how much the bar weighed and did bad math and ended up doing like 45 lbs thinking that it was 65. It was a breeze! I was like "Oh man, next set I am totally bumping up to atleast 75 lbs. I still got it!" Then I realized my error (since this was a machine and not free weights, which I actually prefer but we don't have at my free work gym, the "bar" was only 25 lbs, not the 45 lbs of a real bar.) Once I bumped it up to the real 65 lbs, I was like "Oh yeah, I lost some strength in the past couple of months." Oh well, nothing to do but build it back up again, right? There for a while I could flex and you could totally see the cuts of my bi's. I was a brute. Lol I shall be again.

What else? Oh yeah, running! So I decided to restart the C25K program to see if I could build up some speed. I'm sick of being like the slowest thing on the track. If That Woman passes me backwards one more time, I think my head is going to explode. Even though, I spoke to her briefly while we were both stretching, and she actually seems super nice. I'm totally the a-hole in this situation, not her. But still, I want to run faster. So I restarted the C25K with the idea that I can totally break the 10 min mile pace if I only have to run for 1 minute at a time, and then I can build on that. And I was right! Monday I did W1D1 and per my Nike+, when I was running I was doing between a 9:07/mile pace and a 9:34/mile pace. I was FLYING (for me). So that is my new plan - just knock it out of the park (for me) for my 1 minute intervals this week, and then see if I can run at the same pace for 1.5 minute intervals next week, and so on. Wish me luck with that.

On another topic, can I just say that the 2WW is draaaaaaaagging by? Ugh - I was doing so well at not obsessing for the first part of this cycle. But now, every day I keep thinking "It's got to be almost time for my period to come or not come by now." And then I count on my fingers and realize that I'm only an estimated 5 dpo. How is that even possible? It's been weeks, months, YEARS.

My daycare lady did NOT help this morning either. They've got a new baby at daycare, and this morning she was talking about how T likes the baby so much, and is so good with the baby, and says that he wants a little sister. Which I kind of knew already because he has said stuff like that to me lately as well. I think that she was hinting that we should start trying or fishing for info to see if I am pg or something and that is why T keeps talking about it. Yeah, thanks, I'm not crazy enough or anything, please add pressure from my child and daycare lady. Maybe next my mom can get in on the act.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Can I just vent for a single moment, a single sentence....

Why is everyone getting pregnant but me?

Okay, whine over. Trust me, I typed that in a super whiney nasally voice. But whine over now, I just had to get it off my chest.

Okay, moving on.

My eating was out of control this weekend. I don't know what my deal was, I was just FAMISHED. Okay, I kind of earned it on Sunday. Sunday I did an (extremely tough!) hour of Zumba, and then we took T for a walk to the park and then ran with him in the soccer field for a while. But I don't really have an excuse for Friday or Saturday's excesses. Oh well, back on the wagon today.

Speaking of Zumba, I am so freaking sore. My entire core (especially my back and sides) feels like I got hit by a truck or something. I think I'm going to make a habit of going to the Sunday class instead of the Saturday class because that instructor is intense! I looked like I had run a 10K by the end of it (drenched in sweat, bright red, panting.) Take that, muffin top!

T did NOT appreciate the time change. (I don't blame him, I HATE the time change!) He usually wakes up on his own around 7 am while I am finishing up getting dressed. I was running late this morning (because I also hate the time change) so when I was finally ready at close to 7:30, he was still fast asleep. When I went in to wake him up, he literally threw the blanket over his head. Poor little guy - how do I explain that Ben Franklin thought this would make it better for farmers like 200+ years ago and for some reason we are still doing it?

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Ugh, I feel like crap today. It just really kicked in this afternoon, all of the sudden. I'm exhausted (Effyouverymuch, time change) and now I'm nauseous. Vunderbar. Tonight is supposed to be my night to cook dinner, which means that I also have to go to the grocery store (that's AFTER I pick up The Boy from daycare and stop off at the bakery to pick up a cake for my cousin's bday party tomorrow.) All I want to do is go home and sleep, please. I did tell DH that I was going to find something ridiculously easy to make for dinner tonight (a la frozen pizza, except not frozen pizza because the idea makes me gag a little bit.) He was cool with that, and even said he'd do the dishes. Stellar guy. Okay, I'm being snarky now. lol

Before somebody gets all excited like "OMG that could be morning sickness!!" (And by "somebody" I mean "me" because of course that's where my brain went) - no. Get it out of your head, Me. I broke down and took a FRER on Sunday (9dpo) and then another one yesterday (oh the shame) and they were both negative. I know, I said I was going to take it easy this month. The 2ww broke my resolve (although it has now been over 24 hours since I peed on anything - woohoo for me.) So yes, a (snowy white) BFN at 10 dpo is not conclusive, but I would think that even if I was pregnant, the hormone levels would not change so drastically from yesterday to today that yesterday I couldn't even trigger a preg test, and today I'm having full blown (superduper early) preg symptoms. I think it's more likely that I ate something that disagreed with me and Ifreakinghatethetimechange.

Blah.

I hope I'm feeling better by tomorrow. My cousin is in state visiting her sister (my other cousin, Shanna) for her birthday. Tomorrow night we are all supposed to meet at this fancydancy restaurant in downtown Denver. This place makes my lip curl. Okay, I've only been there once, but the one time I went I thought it was super pretensious and I did NOT like the way our waitress hooted with derision when my uncle (okay, not the most sophisticated cat on the block) tried to order his tuna steak medium. "Hahahahahaha you do NOT ruin sushi quality tuna steak by cooking it to medium hahahahahahaha." I can totally understand trying to talk him out of it, but this was more like trying to shame him out of it. Anyway, whatevs, that place has been on my SomebodyThinksThey'reSpecial list for like a decade, but Shanna called my mom (who looooooves that place) for a restaurant recommend, so off we go. Okay, the part that made me turn white with rage? Like 2 weeks ago poor Shanna calls me to make double extra sure that Jon and I are going. Why? Because they won't take a reservation unless you give them a credit card number, and if any of your party doesn't show, they'll charge $25 per person!!!! (I keep adding exclamation points as I get more and more irritated thinking about this.) !!!!! Seriously. I have never heard of such a thing. But I shouldn't be surprised. SomebodyThinksThey'reSpecial. So anyway, even if I have the stomach flu or something, I have to go tomorrow because otherwise I'll owe Shanna $50 (since I'm sure Jon wouldn't go either - or maybe he would if it's going to cost him $25.) Hate. Hate the SomebodyThinksThey'reSpecial Dipping Grill.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

NM

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427
Raaaaaaaage

Oh. my. effing. STARS.

Our new health insurance SUCKS.

So, my company changed health care plans this year. And yeah, I kind of knew going in that we were getting a raw deal, but I guess I didn't quite realize how raw. I picked the more expensive of the two options they gave us (because with T's medical history, I figure that I need the best coverage I can get. Plus I was pregnant at the time, so I was thinking about L&D costs.) Even so (and this plan is more expensive than we used to have) I still have a $1500/person/$2500/family deductible. After that it's still only 80/20. Sucks, right?

Well, I guess today was one of the first times I have actually had to really deal with said craptastic insurance plan. T is on two different kinds of asthma medicine. Our prescription carrier insists that we mail order from them, so we get 90 day supplies from them. The last time I ordered a 90 day supply of both medicines was in late December, while we were still under the old plan. He's been on these medicines since this time last year, and in that time we have always paid about $130 for the 90 day supply of both combined.

Today, I went to reorder online, and thank goodness, right before I clicked the "order" button, I noticed the price.

For a 90 day supply of the two medicines - $1,344. :eek: I sh!t you not.

The reasons for this are:
1. I guess it's really expensive medicine
2. My new plan does not cover a single penny until I meet my 1500 deductible.

Under my old plan, they would split it - Let's say the bill from the doctor was $400 - the insurance company would pay some of that (like $200), and I would pay the rest, and the part I paid would go towards my deductible. Not so under the new plan. Perscriptions were cheap. It was okay health insurance. I miss it.

I called Medco, sure that their website had just made a mistake. Nope. That really is the price. According to them, they can't do anything because those are the terms of my insurance policy. Oh, and want to hear something funny - that price is for the generics. I thought maybe I had the fancy name brands. Nope, $1344 for the generics. I called UnitedHealthCare, and they basically told me to go eff myself because that is the plan my employer chose. I have a call in to T's doctors to see if there are any other medicines that we might try that might do the same thing but not cost more than a class at community college.

The good news (I guess) is that I have enough in my HSA to cover it (just barely) so he's not going to go without meds (not that I would let that happen regardless - I would beg, borrow, and steal before I would let him go without his asthma meds), and then we will only be about $150 away from T's deductible for the year. The bad news is that after that my HSA is wiped for the moment, and I still have $1000 of my own to reach the family deductible. Guess I'd just better not get sick or something. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not getting knocked up. We probably can't afford the medical bills. :confused:

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Isn't it great how this ObamaCare has screwed us all? We couldn't even get health insurance through my husband's work. Their best insurance for the two of us was $600/month, and they don't cover pre-existing conditions! (We're both diabetics.) We were still within the 30 days cancellation, so we dropped the coverage. Thankfully, our kids are covered by state insurance, so it's not so rough for them. ((HUGS)) That is totally expensive.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Rachel, I think the Health Care Reform Act actually has very little to do with what happened to me - my company is a large national corporation that has always offered health care to all of its full time employees. I believe this actually has a lot more to do with maintaining the trend of record breaking profits at the insurance companies, the cost reduction efforts at my own company due to a drop in profits as a direct result of the downturned economy (our profits are directly tied to our clients sales volumes, so if our clients see a reduction in sales, we feel that reduction), and combined with insane prices being charged by the pharmaceutical companies.

Part of the Healthcare Reform Act stipulates that you cannot be denied or dropped from coverage due to pre-existing conditions, so that will probably help you and your hubby when it takes effect.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427
Kill me now

UGH. I am so freaking sick. As far as I can tell, here is what happened: some sort of completely vicious alien robot bug crawled up my nose and into my sinuses. Said alien robot bug (hereby known as ARB) then laid eggs in my sinuses. Enough eggs to stuff my sinuses to the very brink, thereby causing them to ache and even burn. Since the eggs couldn't all fit in my sinuses, they dripped down the back of my throat, causing a rather hellishly sore throat. The ARB eggs are now busily colonizing my joints, and possibly my brain. I expect that this will shortly turn into a Night of the Creeps scenario where I stagger around in a mullet and a varsity jacket looking to stick my slugs into some coed or her dog.

I called in sick to work yesterday, but since I have a kid to worry about, I have to horde my sick days jealously. So today, I compromised and worked from home. Depending on what is going on with my clients, "working from home" can sometimes mean laying on the couch and checking my blackberry every once in a while. This is not one of those days. This is one of those days with back to back conference calls and zillions of emails and random phone calls and fires to put out. And every person who talks to me that knows me says "Wow, you sound awful!" Really, I hadn't noticed.

Okay, I am off to go smear vaseline under my nose and to throw back some lozenges. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I am going be well by next week so that I can convince dh to knock me up this month. I look like death warmed over right now, so any seduction scene between us really WOULD look like a scene from a horror movie, complete with chasing and biting (hint: I'm the ghoul in this scenario.)

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

CD 9
OPK -

Oh yes, I'm back on that. I bought a pack of OPKs this afternoon - 20 for $18. I was psyched! I can just go nuts with them if I want to. Which is good, because I'm fairly sure that I'm not going to O for at least another 6 or 7 days. That's a lot of OPKs if you didn't buy them dirt cheap and in bulk.

Being pre-O, I don't have any symptoms to track or obsess over. *Sigh*

I ordered my son's medicine today. I still can't believe it. 3 months of asthma medications for the low low price of $1344. I can't afford not to! *Sigh*

That's about it. I'm boring today.

JKfmAustin's picture
Joined: 12/07/10
Posts: 2421

Alissa, I hope you wont mind that I'm commenting on your journal but I just wanted to give you a HUGE hug! I'm sorry you've been sick and it really sucks about the high cost of your son's meds! I've been really enjoying reading your journal. You have a great sense of humor and I feel like we could be great friends IRL. In fact, you've inspired me to start my own journal! Smile

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Yay, Jina! Of course I don't mind you commenting! Thanks for the kind words, and I agree, we would be great friends IRL. Can't wait to start reading your journal! Mary also has one in the TTC section that I often read. Speak soon!

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427
Oh. Em. Gee.

CD 10
OPK - (but a slight line was visible, unlike yesterday. Start of a fade in pattern?)

Pleasedonttellhubbybut....I spilled pee all over my bathroom counter. :eek:

:puke2:

:eek:

Do you remember the OPKs I bought yesterday? Well, they are the kind you dunk, not the kind you pee on, which means that you have to collect your pee in a cup, yes? Well, the idea of this frankly grosses me out, but I decided to be an adult about it, and just go for it. I even bought a big supply of those clear plastic dixie cups like they give you at the obgyn so that I don't have to pee in something that we might want to touch again.

Also, for some reason these OPKs (unlike the ones I used last month) recommend that you use FMU.

FMU = 6:30 am = Alissa is bleary and not wearing her contacts.

Do you see how we're brewing the perfect storm here?

So, I peed in my dixie cup, and then I tried to sit it on the counter and open the cannister of test strips.

A note about that - the instructions have got me deathly afraid to have that stupid cannister open or to pull out a test strip even a moment before it is needed. The instructions even go so far as to say that the tests are only good for 30 days after you open the cannister, presumably due to the exposure to air. What I can't figure out is what is different between the air inside the cannister, and the air outside. Moisture?

Anyway, so I go to set the cup down and then whip open the cannister so I can whip out a test strip and then slam the cannister closed again. Somewhere mid-whip, I realized hat I had manged to knock the pee cup over, so now I have to leave the cannister open *gasp* so I can lunge to catch the pee cup. I caught it while there was still enough pee to test with, but now I have pee all over my bathroom counter and on one of my hairbrushes. Lovely. The test was negative, too, so not even worth hosing the bathroom down with body fluids. Drat.

I cloroxed the counter and threw away the brush, but still. Don't tell DH. He'll puke.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

CD 11
OPK -

That is all.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

CD 14
OPK - (:mad:)

Haha, okay, I know that I shouldn't be so impatient. I know that I seem to typically O around CD15 or 16, so having a - OPK on CD 14 isn't exactly unexpected. I just hate the waiting around. I want to be in the 2ww already so that I can be obsessing over that instead of obsessing over when I'm going to O. I'm bored with obsessing over when I'm going to O. LOL

Ugh, what if I don't O until like CD 22 this month. My head. will explode.

Oh, but kind of a nice thought - if I DO get knocked up this cycle, my EDD will be Dec 21. Solstice! That makes me a little excited. I know it's a little bit lame, but that would be like having an EDD of Dec 25 for a Christian. It makes me a little warm and fuzzy to think about, so let's keep our fingers crossed for that. Smile

In other news, DH had a job interview to work at another high school in the same district, so if anyone is reading this, please keep your fingers crossed for him. They did say something that sounded great though - apparently they have multiple openings this year in the LA department, so he has multiple chances of being hired (but he only has to interview once for everything, unless the principal decides he wants to do second interviews.) I think that DH has a LOT going for him - he is a candidate from inside the district, he is an elected member of the Colorado Language Arts Council, he has GREAT letters of rec and people within the district including the principal of his current school that have put in calls to recommend him. So hopefully he is a logical choice for one of the open positions. If he does get this job, he could bike to work (it's that close) on the days where he doesn't pick up T from daycare.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

CD 15
OPK - :banghead:

How is it possible that I have gained two pounds in two days? I have been eating like 1200 calories and running and ST and walking on my lunch hour. *narrows eyes*

How is it possible that I am still getting a - OPK? *narrows eyes*

If it were possible to turn an OPK positive with the sheer heat of a glare, I would have done it this afternoon.

I'm hungry (my 300 calorie lunch is NOT sticking with me today) and I think it is only making me grouchier.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

CD 18
OPK +

Finally!

If + OPKs and BDing get you all excited (they do me!) then be excited. I got a + and a BD all on the same day. The only thing that makes me worry is that I seem to have gotten a thermal shift this morning, suggesting that our efforts were possible a little too late. We shall see...

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

CD 20
DPO - Somewhere between 1-3

I have this whole conspiracy theory about how the fact that our house was hot + a couple of glasses of wine contributed to wonkily high BBT temps which confused Fertility Friend. Per FF, I O'ed on CD 17. But per my OPKs and other symptoms, I think it was maybe more like CD 19. Probably proving that denial aint just a river in Egypt. But for now, FF and I are agreeing to disagree.

A couple of nights ago, DH and I were driving home and I heard a song that I love, but that has always made me cry since my m/c. Cosmic Love by Florence and the Machine. I know, a little weird, but these lines perfectly captured how I felt right after my m/c:

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out.
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

That's exactly right. I think I'm coming into the dawn, but it took a long time, and when I'm being honest, I admit that I'm not completely there yet. I wonder if I will ever really feel the way I did before the m/c?

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

CD 21
DPO - 2
Phantom Preg Symptoms - dull pressure and twinges in low abs, on again off again boob pain

Haha, so I went in and changed the crosshairs in FF for the CD *I* want. Very mature, right? Whatever, it just made me feel better.

I googled "Early Pregnancy Symptoms" yesterday, and I stumbled across a website that is devoted to people submitting their early pregnancy symptoms. One woman submitted that at like 7 dpo she knew that she was pregnant because she lost the feeling in one of her thumbs, and her vision went blurry. I was rolling! ROFL Personally I would have suspected stroke over pregnancy, but what do I know? She got her BFP that month. So now I am on the lookout for such phantom pregnancy symptoms as "being struck deaf, dumb, and blind." ROFL

I'm actually in a really good place today. Obsessing, yes, always obsessing. But feeling happy and hopeful, like even if it doesn't happen this month, I do believe that it will happen *some* month. Very positive thinking happening in my corner of the universe. Of course, talk to me in 9 days when AF is here. I may be a real downer by then.

Well, I'm off to go eat a slice of pizza with my coworkers. There is this DELICIOUS pizza place about 10 min from our office that sells za by the slice. :biglove:

FLSunshineMom's picture
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859

Commenting here so I'll know every time you update Smile

That is too funny about the thumb and blurry vision! Lol And I thought I had heard it all Smile

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

CD 22
DPO - 3 (or 5. Whatever.)
Phantom Preg Symptoms: None. Except I'm HUNGRY. I'm pretty sure that doesn't count though - I don't remember having an increased appetite until my second trimester with T. No blurred vision or slurred speech or funny walks or anything like that tho'. Lol

I'm sitting here and drinking ice water and trying to talk myself out of slipping out of the office and going through a drive thru somewhere. Taco Bell! The grilled chicken burrito is calling my name. I know, I know. DH thinks that the fact that I actually like Taco Bell is le'scusting. But for health reasons, no Taco Bell. Do you hear that, delicious rice and ranch dressing and cheese and chicken wrapped in a tortilla?!? No Taco Bell.

I had lunch. Sesame chicken with veggies and whole grain noodles. Sounds great, right? Yes, it was tasty. It was also appropriately portioned, which is where my trouble lies, I believe. My stomach is bigger than my eyes. Or something.

I have an apple and some Laughing Cow Swiss cheese for my aft snack, but I want to save that until like 3 so that it can fuel me up for my run. *Sigh* It's funny, because on the GDB, we are talking about if you would trade a year of your life for the perfect body. I said yes (I know, I'm vain and shallow and selfish.) This is why. As far as I can tell, I seem to have to live my life walking around half starved and working out 6 days a week just to maintain a size 10. If you ask me, it seems bitterly unfair. To throw off those shackles and eat when I'm hungry and eat what I'm hungry for, that would be worth a year I think. Until I got to that last year. LOL Then I would probably be regretting my decision.

Anyway, of course no pregnancy news. No news is good news, I guess?

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

I think FF is right about your O date. You'll have a + OPK the day you ovulate, and a temp dip shows up just before your day of the big O. I'd call you 5 DPO. I'm having so much fun stalking you!

AkMomma07's picture
Joined: 07/04/07
Posts: 1159

Alissa!!!! I miss you over at the BLC! I just ran across your journal and read the whole thing! I will definitely be stalking you now Smile You are rockin' it lady! Can't wait to read more!

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Shauna!!!! OMG, how the heck are you??? I miss you ladies too - I actually just spied on you guys the other day to see who was on the BF'ing Mamas team these days. I see that Sophia is team leader now - very cool! I love your new siggy pic - you and Kostas both look gorgeous! Haha, thanks for stalking me. Send me lots of crossed fingers and baby dust, okay? Biggrin

Rachael - Thanks! I'm fairly new to this whole charting thing, so it is nice to get other people's opinions on it. I guess only time will tell. Smile

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Well, at least your charting. Smile I don't miss those days of stress AT ALL. lol

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