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Alissa_Sal's picture
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Thanks Jina! Unfortunately, I didn't really measure anything, but I'll do the best I can.

Alissa's Mustard Something Chicken Wink
Chicken Breasts
Salt
Pepper
Onion Powder
Garlic Powder
1 TB Olive Oil
3 TB Dijon Mustard
2 TB Soy Sauce
1 TB Minced Garlic
1 TB Dry White Wine
Dash of balsamic vinegar
1/2 cup Chicken Broth

Spray a large pan with cooking spray and heat to medium high heat. Sprinkle chicken breasts with salt, pepper, onion powder, and garlic powder, and brown on each side (about 3 -4 minutes for each side.)

In a blender or food processor, make your Mustard Something Sauce. Combine Olive Oil, Dijon Mustard, Soy Sauce, Minced Garlic, White Wine, and Balsamic Vinegar until smooth. Please note that the measurements are very approximate, so feel free to play with it and taste it until it tastes good. It will be intense, but the chicken broth will cut that - you just want it to be tasty.

Add chicken broth to the pan with the chicken, and then add the mustard sauce. Bring up to a boil (should be pretty much immediate), and then turn down to a simmer. Simmer covered for about 20 minutes, occassionally stirring and "saucing" the chicken, and flipping the chicken in the pan once.

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6w2d

I bought something for the baby today. I think that makes it "official" in my own head. I mean "official that I believe this is going to be a healthy sticky pregnancy."

I really wasn't going to buy anything yet. I'm a little superstitious about this whole pregnancy thing. But, by this time last pregnancy I had already begun to spot. I haven't spotted at all, and I think that has to be a good sign, right?

Anyway, my office had their annual breast cancer fundraiser, and one of the events is a silent auction where they give away different "themed" baskets. This year they had a baby basket, with diapers, a sleeper, an adorable stuffed zebra, baby lotion and baby shampoo, and best of all - a hand crocheted afghan made by Debbie, one of the ladies in Admin. She surprised me by giving me one when T was born (I don't know her very well, but she had worked with my husband for years and years when he worked for the same company, so I guess it's more like she gave it to him for me. Anyway.) and it was so soft and so beautiful. Once T got too big for his sleep sacks, he was probably okay to cover up with a regular blanket but the idea of it still made me nervous because what if his face got covered up and he still wasn't big enough/coordinated enough to pull it off? Enter Debbie's blanket! Warm, soft, and best of all, it has air holes!!!! I looooooved Debbie's blanket, and so did he. Unfortunately, it eventually began to unravel and I'm not skilled enough to know how to fix it, so I ended up getting rid of it. Luckily by that time he was almost 2 and I was ready to let him sleep under non-aerated blankets.

So, I was checking out the baskets, and what should I see in the baby themed basket, but one of Debbie's Blankets! Oh happy day!!!! So I had to skulk around and keep coming back to it because it was in hot demand, but I eventually won it for the low low price of $57. Honestly, I probably would have paid that much just for the blanket alone - I really loved the first one that much. The diapers and sleeper and zebra were just icing. Plus the proceeds go to a great cause. Win win.

So yay. This means, baby, you definitely need to stick around because I have some cool stuff already waiting for you.

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Oh yay Alissa!

Yes, baby, you'd better stick around!!! Biggrin

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Alissa, I don't know if you remember me, it's been a loooong time, but from BLC and also the A/A board (on rare occasion)... anyhoo, been skimming through your journal and wow, congratulations!!! So happy for you... And can I just say that I am LOVING the (as Noel from BLC called it) menu porn too! I'm going to jot down some of your recipes and try them out!

Anyway, congrats again and good luck with your next appointment! Oh yeah, I was also completely obsessed with tracking my O'ing and all of that... I actually rented a doppler (is that the name) to have at home so I could check the baby's heartbeat whenever I wanted! Until I went for my 12 week-ish appointment and my doctor basically said to chill out and return the doppler (which I did), but it was definitely a comfort having it that first trimester. My doctor said that even though it was probably completely safe, she wouldn't recommend doing it daily (like I had been) just to be on the safe side...

Charlene

Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

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Hi Charlene! Of course I remember you. So nice to "see you" around! Oh my gosh, your girls are getting so big!!! They are such cuties! Thanks for the kind words about my journal. It has been fun trying out new recipes and posting the results - they usually turn out well, although I have to admit that I haven't cooked a thing in like a week - too tired and my hubby (the teacher) is off for the summer so I have officially passed that torch on to him.

It is SO hard to relax during this first trimester. I have had a couple of days of spotting (I am going to write about it in this journal when I get the chance) and I was seriously terrified. If I had had some sort of technology at my fingertips that I could have used to check on the baby, I would have been doing it constantly. As it was, I probably went to the bathroom at least 20 times yesterday just to check and see if there was any more blood. Probably for the best if I don't get a doppler - I would probably go overboard with it too.

Anyway, so nice to hear from you. Please stop by again and let me know what's going on in your life!

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Oh man. It's been a stressful couple of days. I had some (red) spotting on Saturday, and then another drop of red blood yesterday. Which, of course, makes me think that I am definitely losing this baby. Total freak out. So yesterday afternoon, I went and saw my OB. I don't know that I have the strength to retell that story (if you stalk me on my Jan 2012 BB, you can read the whole thing if you want.) but long story short, we think we saw a heartbeat (old crappy u/s machine + only being 6 weeks = all you can see is an extremely tiny little flicker.) and my OB is "guardedly optimistic." So, so am I. We have our real u/s on the good u/s machine on Friday morning, so I am just trying to keep positive and hopeful until then that we will see a strong heartbeat and get a really great look then. Updates on that to follow.

That's not really what I wanted to talk about though. What I wanted to talk about is DH.

It's a small thing probably, but I'm so glad that I have him. Yesterday, when I was so freaked out, I called him after I called the OB, and he agreed to meet me at the drs office and go to my appointment with me. We had to wait in the room forever, and waiting patiently in drs offices is not DH's strong point. But he bore it with good humor, and kept up a steady patter of talk and little jokes to cheer me up and keep my mind off of the situation at hand. Then when we did the ultrasound, he stood by me and held my hand.

I know that's probably a "duh" thing for most people - of course your DH should come with you if you may have to face bad news if he can. But what I'm trying to say is not about expectations, or about what people are *supposed to do*. What I'm talking about is the way that I feel - I feel like there is no one in the world that I trust more or love more, and there is no one in the world that I would rather have hold my hand through the good news or the bad news. I feel lucky to feel that way and to have someone to feel that way about.

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Alissa, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Spotting is no fun when you are pregnant and especially after a loss. I’m very glad they were able to see a heartbeat. Those ancient u/s machines aren’t the best so the fact that it was pick up a h/b at 6 weeks is a wonderful sign. I’m pretty darn sure you will see a beautiful little bean with a strong h/b on Friday! I can’t wait to see pics!

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I've been wanting to take T to the Cool Park for months, and I finally did tonight before dinner.

I don't have time to post about it now, but here are a couple pics. I will talk about it more when I have time.

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Awww....T is ADORABLE!! Biggrin

Is the park really named The Cool Park?

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Thanks Jina! I think he's the cutest kid ever, but I admit I could be ever so slightly biased.

Haha, no, it's not really called the Cool Park. I think the real name is Falcon Park, but we started calling it the Cool Park because it's way bigger and has way better equipment than the park near our house (which we call the Cow Park - also not it's name, but it has these wooden spotted cow figures standing around the park.)

So here is what I wanted to write about last night, but didn't have time.

The Cool Park used to be a lot cooler. What I mean is, last year, the playground equipment looked so much BIGGER. I thought that all of the slides were so much higher and bigger than they are. But I guess that was because T was so much littler, watching him climb the steps and go down those "big" slides seemed so...dangerous. I was literally shocked at how low most of the equipment is - if he fell off of it, it would hurt, but he might not even get a bruise. It's crazy how my perception of the world changes as my son gets bigger and more capable.

Speaking of capable, guess who climbed one of those curved playground ladders all by himself? I didn't even know that T could climb a ladder, let alone one that makes a 90 degree curve at the top. But he surely did, and wouldn't let me help him or touch him at all. I was proud.

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*Ahem* Where is the update from Friday? Wink

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Oooooh! Yes, I didn't write about that here! We saw the heartbeat. It was 118/min. The doctor says that as early as it is, they just look to see anything over 100, so it's all good. Everything looks good. I'm very happy. Smile

:D:D:D:D:D

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My Get Up for the Bachelorette Party

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I don't know if you're a sling mama, but I got this in my email today:

Go to the Seven Slings website, click on "Shop Now" and select any baby carrier you would like (be sure to go to their sizing page so you can get the right size carrier for you). Once you have selected your size, you will automatically be directed to the "shopping bag" where you can enter the promo code "FAMILY2011". This promo code will take off 100% of the baby carrier purchase and all you are required to pay is the shipping fees.

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Love the outfit and the wig!! Looking Good! I hope you had lots of fun!! :boogie::boogie:

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I'm on a roller coaster, only it's not any fun.

8w2d

I recently promised myself that I was going to try to stop stressing about this pregnancy. I want to be able to look back and say that I enjoyed this pregnancy - as much as I enjoyed being pregnant with T. I LOVED being pregnant with T - even the GD wasn't so bad because it made me feel great to know that I was taking great care of myself and of him. Eating well for us almost became a ritual - it was satisfying. And the rest of it - squeeee! I loved my pregnant belly. I loved my maternity clothes. I loved feeling him move. I loved planning a nursery and buying all of those adorable tiny outfits. It was such a happy time in my life.

I want to recapture that feeling with this pregnancy. I want to feel that full of life and joy as I look forward to this next little one. But I think I'm traumatized by my previous loss - every cramp, every bit of spotting, everything looks like "the beginning of the end" to me.

I was actually doing a lot better recently. I think it helped that I hadn't had any spotting for about a week, and I was starting to get comfortable. But then I woke up this morning, and all of that is gone. I'm back in a bit of a tailspin.

I had a LOT of spotting this morning. Almost all of it was brown/pink with just a few streaks of dull reddish mixed in. But a lot of it - at least, that's how it seems to me. It wasn't enough to need a pad, but it was there everytime I wiped from about 6:30 am - 1:00 pm (and trust me, I wiped a LOT. I was in the bathroom roughly twice an hour every hour during that time to check and see if it was turning red or getting worse or whatever.)

I think it's going away again now. I just checked again, and there was only the faintest traces of brown. That is somewhat comforting - I think I expected it to turn into heavy bleeding, and at least that hasn't happened.

I told DH about it this morning, and he reminded me that the doctor told us that spotting was okay as long as it wasn't like a period, and wasn't accompanied by cramping. This wasn't like a period and wasn't accompanied by cramping, so DH pronounced that he believes that I am fine. I hope he's right. And then to prove to me that I'm still pregnant, he intentionally said something to gross me out and make me gag. He's a prince of a guy. LOL

I didn't have spotting with T. It just figures that the pregnancy that I was bound to be more nervous about anyway is the one that has all the scary crap like spotting. Hello Murphy. I think you dropped your law.

I'm thinking maybe I just overdid it yesterday, and that's why I spotted today. Thinking back, yesterday was a pretty active day. Yesterday morning, I was outside helping T ride his new "big wheel" tricycle. It's slightly too big even though DH moved the seat up as far as it goes, and he is also new to this whole pedaling and steering concept, so I had to keep leaning down to either straighten his handlebars to keep him from dumping himself off the sidewalk and into the street, or help him get started, or else push him uphill since his little legs aren't the strongest yet, and it doesn't help at all that he is trying to pedal with his toes. That was extremely tiring.

Then we had his birthday party, which was fun, but also slightly tiring and involved being on my feet for about 2 hours straight.

Then, we went home and I was inspired by the influx of new toys to do a much needed spring clean/reorg of T's bedroom and our living room (which doubles as his play room, since our house is smallish) so I spent several hours cleaning, sorting through drawers, putting things in boxes, carrying things up and down from the basement and up and down from our second floor, and whatnot.

I capped off my night by walking down to my parents house for a visit, and then back (not very far, but I was beat by that time.)

So yeah, if it's true that a lot of physical activity can cause spotting, I can't imagine where mine came from. :rolleyes:

I think I'm going to spend tonight sitting on my couch with my feet up.

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Sorry again about the spotting scare, Alissa :bigarmhug: I agree, stay on that couch with your feet up! And by the way, Hannah's playroom is partly in our living room, too. I so need to do what you did -- sort and organize her toys! I had them organized at one time...but don't think I did that great of a job, lol. Once I get them organized this time, I'm only going to allow her to have ONE container of toys in the living room at one time.

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Probably most of the people who read my journal already know, but anyway, we found out yesterday that we have had another loss.

I feel...foolish. In retrospect, it somehow seems so obvious that we were never going to have a baby in January. Like it was some sort of twisted fantasy that I made up in my own head. I keep looking at the u/s photos, thinking "I'm not crazy right? That actually happened, right?" The whole thing just seems kind of disconnected and surreal right now. I feel like somehow I got it wrong, like it was completely stupid of me to tell people and to join a birth board and post belly pics (belly pics??? Apparently I'm not looking pregnant so much as just getting fatter) and let DH start stripping the wall paper in the spare bedroom. How could I have ever believed that I was going to have a baby?

Rationally, I know that I didn't do anything wrong, that it wasn't dumb to carry on as if I was pregnant (because I was!) but emotionally I seriously just feel embarrassed and tricked and pathetic.

And mad. God I'm mad. I want to scream at somebody, but there is no one to scream at. It's no one's fault. It just is. But oh I wish I could just read somebody the riot act. I wish I could stick my finger in their face and tell them to go straight to hell and get totally out of control and beat on their chest with my fists until my fists hurt as much as the rest of me. But there is no one there. It's just me and my stupid broken body, and my poor stupid broken body doesn't need any more abuse than it's already taken and will have to take still before this is over.

If any good can be said to come from all of this, it is that I have never felt closer to my DH than I have in the past 8 months, and especially now. Going through this together has brought us closer still, and I am so grateful that he is here and that he is mine. I feel the same way about my gorgeous amazing funny little boy. What miracles had to happen to allow him to be born? As DH said, what this leaves us to do is "love the $^*& out of T." Indeed.

Okay, I'm out of steam for the moment. More to come, I'm sure.

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((HUGS)) I have to ask a question, Alissa, because I suffered so many losses just like yours... the ones where we saw a heartbeat but there was all this light brownish/reddish/pinkish bleeding and then the devastating losses. Has your doctor checked your progesterone at all during pregnancy? It was only after 5 losses that we went to see a perinatologist (high risk specialty pregnancy doctor) that he figured out the problem. I'm hurting for you.

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No, they didn't check my levels during this pregnancy except at the very beginning to make sure that they were going up (they were.) My doctor told me at the beginning of this pregnancy that m/c is so common that they don't really do anything differently (as far as testing, et cetera) for the first pregnancy after a loss, but if I had more than one loss (which I now have) then they would start testing and looking at why and what they can do to help.

The plan right now is that after my body has a chance to get back to normal, they are going to do a bunch of tests to look at different things, including blood clotting, hormone levels, immune response, et cetera. I kind of wonder if it is a clotting thing because both my mom and my grandma (mom's mom) have had blood clots, and my mom got tested and found out that she has a gene that makes her more prone to blood clots (probably my grandma did too) so I am wondering if I have the same gene and if that might explain it.

They told me that even if we go through all of the testing and don't find anything conclusive, there are still things that they will put me on that are known to help support pregnancy, such as progesterone and baby aspirin. But all of that is a while down the road - at this point I can't imagine wanting to try to get pregnant again any time soon. After 2 losses in 8 months, I'm pretty burnt out on the whole idea. DH and I agreed that we will give it at least 6 months (not 6 months from today, 6 months from when the doctors tell us I am healed enough to potentially try again) before we start thinking about going down that road. We're just going to spend this time focusing on our little family and working on our house (now that we have the wallpaper in the spare bedroom partially stripped, we have to move forward with redecorating, so we may turn that room into a play room for T.)

On a side note, my DH is a total sweetheart. He didn't know that I knew he had already begun stripping that wall paper, and I didn't know that it was supposed to have been a secret (I saw it when I went in there for something.) His plan was that he was going to completely strip it, primer it, and surprise me with a "blank slate" that I could decorate for the baby however I wanted. Is he just about the sweetest man ever or what? Anyway, at this point we have a room that it about half wallpapered (and I have ALWAYS hated that wall paper - just haven't had the time or motivation to change it) so it's time to move forward and redecorate.

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:bigarmhug: I'm so sorry for you loss. Be gentle on yourself.

Cindy

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More hugs, girl. Thinking of you. :comfort:

Mary

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Oh hun, I wish there is something I could do to take away some of the pain....HUGE HUGS!!

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Thanks everyone. Smile

Well, I think that it's done now. I took the Cytotec on Saturday, and then again on Sunday in hopes of being able to avoid the D&C. It didn't work for me last time, but luckily it seemed to work this time. My inlaws took T on Saturday morning and kept him through Sunday afternoon so that I wouldn't have to worry about taking care of him, which was probably a good thing. Either the Cytotec or the pain meds or both made me very sick to my stomach. But it worked, so that's good.

Now I'm just kind of dealing with the emtional fall out, and thinking about the future.

For the first couple of days, I was mostly just numb to it. I didn't feel very much after the initial crying jags. I don't think I totally believed it or accepted it yet. Even now, I am just....astonished, to borrow a perfect word from a good friend. It is purely astonishing to me that this could have happened twice in a row. I know that the odds of having a m/c are much higher, but I truly feel like I've been hit by lightening twice now. It seems like "Surely that can't be." But it is. I keep thinking "Surely I'm still pregnant." But I'm not.

It's funny because people keep trying to comfort me by telling me stories about their cousin or their friend or whoever that has had multiple m/cs but then went on to have healthy child(ren.) The worst was my doctor - when I was in last Wednesday after we found out about the loss, he mentioned that he has one client that has had 14 m/cs and 5 live children. 14!!!!! That is NOT comforting. Because I can tell you right now, I don't know where my "line" is, but I am certain that I don't have it in me to have 14 miscarriages. The idea that someone could have 14 miscarriages is just heart wrenching to me. And the line where I just give up on ever having another baby is somewhere between 2 and 14, but closer to 2 than 14.

I was talking to DH about this, and he said that how many more times we do this is up to me. Which I get - it's not his body, and emotionally I think it is a little bit harder on me than it is on him. But he agrees with me that we can't do it over and over and over again, even if that means that we never have another one.

The other thing we agree on is that I am not willing to go to heroic measures to get or stay pregnant. If there are simple solutions like taking a baby aspirin with my prenatals, that would be okay. But IMO, if my body has to have a lot of assistance to get or stay pregnant, I think that means that maybe there is a reason for that, like maybe trying to force it to have a baby is a bad idea. I can't explain it any better than that. I know that lots of women get pregnant through reproductive technology, and I am not condemning them or saying that what they are doing is a bad idea at all. I'm just saying that it doesn't feel right for me. Like, speaking for myself only, if pregnancy would require a ton of medical interventions, then that is just a road I don't feel like I should walk down.

So, that's kind of where I am. Just kind of working to accept the fact that this pregnancy is over, and trying to figure out what I want for the future.

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I'm so sorry, Alissa, thinking about you and sending lots of healing vibes your way... hang in there...

Charlene

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Alissa, reading today's entry made me tear up and cry. I am so very sorry you have to go through this. I know I keep saying this but I am so hurt and angry for you. I remember the pain and the anguish of my second loss and I wish I could take it all away for you. Please know that it does get easier. I hate the saying "time heals all wounds", but, it's true. I’m just an IM away if you ever need someone to talk/vent to.

:bigarmhug: :bigarmhug:

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Thank you Jina and Charlene. Being a part of such an awesome and loving and supportive community does help soothe a little bit of the hurt.

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I really feel like I just cannot catch a break.

I went to the doctor today to get another u/s to see if everything has passed. I was a little worried about it, just because my doc told me that once everything passes, the bleeding and cramping should slow down pretty soon there after, and I am still bleeding and cramping fairly heavily, even though I thought everything passed on Sunday.

Well, turns out I was right to be concerned - the u/s showed that part of the placenta is still there. Which means that I may still have to have the D&C after all.

My doctor prescribed me something that is supposed to make my uterus contract and therefore hopefully cause the placenta to be expelled. If that doesn't happen by Thursday, I will most likely do the D&C on Friday.

So, that's my thrilling life. I almost feel embarrassed even talking about this stuff any more because it's just one thing after another. I feel like...like...Eeyore. Just nothing but doom and gloom and death and destruction. *Sigh*

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Aw, Alissa don't feel bad! This is your reality right now. I think you are putting stuff out there in a far better tone/attitude than I probably would. You are no Eeyore!

I think about you often and check in here a lot to see how you are doing. I wish I could give you a big squeeze!!

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Thanks Shauna! :bigarmhug:

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I am so sorry Alissa
This happened to me on my first miscarriage.
I was asked to do a preg test a month after my natural and it was still positive, so I was given pessaries.
A week later it was still positive so I had a D and C.
After each positive I was given a scan and my body was just hanging on to it.
So I know how you feel.
Huge hugs to you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Thanks Liz. Smile :bighug:

I'm really....mad. Sad too, but mostly just angry. I know that's normal and I have every right to be, and all of that, but oh man. Furious.

It helps when I'm at home with Jon and T. I feel mostly normal when I'm with them. But then I leave for work in the mornings, and on the way to work I listen to music and think and gradually get madder and madder, until the term "wet hen" doesn't do me justice.

I'm having a hard time focusing at work, or getting my butt in gear at home. Mostly I just want to sit around and be dog lazy. But surprisingly, that's not getting me anywhere. My brother's wedding is next Saturday, which means that we are going to have family in town this week. I think that means that it's time to dust and clean my toliets and open my blinds.

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((HUGS)) Alissa. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'll be thinking of you! Losses totally and completely suck and they are not fair.

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Thank you. Smile

*****************************

This past weekend was my brother's wedding, finally. For those of you who have been on the edge of your seat, yes, the dress fit. Quite nicely, actually. I got my hair and makeup and nails done, and I felt pretty glam the whole night.

I think that having a lot of family in town was a good thing, and having a great reason to celebrate was also a good thing. I was too busy to work myself into a proper funk. T was in fine form all week, totally soaking up all of the attention and admiration that comes with being the only small child in a whole crowd of family members. He is the first and only grandchild on both sides of the family, although thank goodness my cousin Shanna had a baby this year, so he's not the only great grandchild on my mom's side. As it is, he's spoiled so rotten that if he were cheese he would stink.

The wedding was beautiful, and I am very happy and proud to call Natalie (my brother's new wife) my sister-in-law. She is a lovely person, and we are lucky to have her in our family.

Ugh, all of that food and sitting around chatting has NOT done me any favors though. I feel like I'm practically waddling when I walk these days. NOT a happy feeling. So, I am back on a health kick. You hear that health? Consider yourself kicked!

I just really feel like I need to start taking better care of myself. I could just feel myself sliding backwards into this hole of depression, and the sad fact is that I tend to self medicate with junk food and wine. Not a pretty sight. So, starting today, I am back on the diet and exercise wagon.

I think I feel better. Mostly I just feel tired. I woke up at 4 am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so around 5:30 I finally gave up and went downstairs and got my day started. First I did a 30 minute yoga workout from On Demand. Oogah. I am NOT flexible. But I soldiered my wooden self on, and I have to admit that the last 3 minutes or so (mostly spent laying flat on my back like a dead thing) were quite nice. Then I packed up a day's worth of healthy optimistic food, and by that time it was time to start getting ready for work. Today on my lunch hour I rounded out my exercise for the day by doing a 45 minute walk/run. Mostly walking. But hey, at least I was moving. I also parked as far away from the door as I could. Every little bit counts.

Tonight I am going to a Girl's Night Out at a Caberet. I've never been to a Cabaret, so all I can picture is Liza Monelli and that creepy MC. Wish me luck...

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I don't think I've ever been to a Cabaret either. How did it go?

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Lillie - It turns out that this place has different shows on different nights, and the night we went was Comedy Night so it wasn't an actual cabaret show. But the place was very cool, and the host was very funny so I suspect that the actual cabaret show would be fun. I was actually thinking about taking DH to a show for a date night some time.

**********************************************************

Not much to report here. We have been super busy. We are entering Week 3 of our 3 Weddings in 3 Weeks Extravaganza (with all of the events that lead up to the weddings, such as the Rehearsal Dinners and Time with Out of Town Family) so I am beat. Oh, and my birthday was on Saturday. I'm 31. :eek: I can't believe it - it literally feels like only a couple of months ago that I was turning 30. What a fast, and yet often awful year 30 was. Good riddance to it. 31 will be better, right? Right.

I've been having a terrible time sleeping lately. I wake up every morning around 3-4 am and may or may not go back to sleep. Then I drag a$$ all day long to make up for it. I am actually considering going to my GP to see if she would be able to give me something to help smooth out some of the anxiety I have been feeling. I don't think I used to be high strung. Or anyway, not this high strung. But I am just....anxious....a lot. But then part of me feels like maybe I should just accept that as part of the grieving process and that I just have to deal with these feelings and then I will heal properly. So I am going to try....I don't know. More exercise. Better food. Trying to take more time for myself. Stuff like that, to see if I can get out from underneath this huge dark cloud all by my lonesome.

Anyway, whatever. I don't want to write about this stuff anymore. I will probably take a little break from this journal until I have something more exciting to write about.

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Here's to a better 31!!! (((hugs)))

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Jeez, I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote anything.

Actually, I can. It's been an insane month. We had 3 weddings, tons of out of town guests to entertain, and then took a road trip to SD for a week.

Oh god, that road trip.

We got to Rapid City around 6:30 pm on Monday. T was actually really great in the car, which was a huge help, but by the time we got there we were all kind of cranky and tired and it was so very, very hot. Like 100 degree heat plus 80 percent humidity. We live in CO which is dry dry dry, so we're not used to humidity like that.

We went to this awesome park in Rapid City (Storybook Island - Google it, it's amazing that it's free) so that T could run off his yayas. But then he just kept falling down and getting hurt (he seriously fell like 3 times in about 30 minutes) and then he just didn't want to do anything any more.

Tuesday, he was a mess. He was cranky, whiny, refused to eat anything, had no desire to do any of the fun activities we had planned. Just awful. Tuesday night, we found out why.

DH's sister was supposed to share a bed with T during the trip. I had put him to bed earlier, and then the adults had stayed up talking. Around 11:30, Naomi went to go to bed, and she said "Guys, your kid really stinks." Sure enough, he smelled awful, so I woke him up and turned on the lights to discover that he had had diarrhea and it was everywhere. All over him, all over the sheets, on his stuffed bear. Everywhere.

So we had to change the bedding, obvs, and I gave him a bath and changed him into clean jammies. DH took the dirty jammies down to the laundry room, and had to stay up until about 1:30 washing and drying them (he's a night owl anyway, plus I did the actual dirty work of cleaning up after T and giving him a bath, so it was only fair...) I didn't want to make Naomi sleep next to my sick child, so I took the bed with him.

Around 6:30 on Wednesday morning, I woke up because he was gagging. I snatched him out of bed and ran to the bathroom, but we didn't quite make it. As soon as we got in the bathroom door, he threw up all over me and the bathroom floor. While I was getting myself and the bathroom cleaned up, he started gagging again, so I stuck him in front of the toilet, and this time he actually made it. It was kind of funny, because even though he was so sick, he took a moment to celebrate and say "I did it!!!!" with a huge smile. It's the small things.

Anyway, long story short, I spent almost all of Wednesday in the hotel room with T, periodically mopping up various forms of sick, changing him, changing the sheets, changing out the towels that I was strategically placing around and under him, washing out the trashcan that I was trying to get him to puke into, rinse, wash, repeat.

Thursday morning he was better enough to briefly leave the hotel room, but he started complaining that his tummy hurt after lunch, so it was back to the room.

Friday he finally seemed to be really on the mend. That was also the day we were scheduled to go back. Luckily, it's only like a 7 hour drive, so we decided to stay until late afternoon to try to do a few fun things before we left. Friday was definitely the best day of the trip.

So that was it. That was vacation. Sad. Sad LOL Oh well, at least he is better now, and as my FIL pointed out, I didn't actually have to wash all of those sheets and towels. I bet the hotel housekeeping staff was extremely happy to see us go.

Now I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things and work again on diet and exercise. My never ending project. Smile But mentally and emotionally I am feeling a lot better, so that is a good thing.

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Saving the World One Purchase at a Time

In case you haven't noticed, I tend to get a little....um..."focused" on things. I get on a kick (like, hello TTC) and that totally takes up my time and energy for a while, and then I move on to something else.

I'm on a new kick.

It all started earlier in the summer. DH likes to listen to books on CD when he drives, and sometime around July 4th, we went for a drive while T napped in the back seat. At the time, he was listening to "Plastic: A Toxic Love Story" by Susan Freinkel, so I listened to it with him as we drove.

And holy moly. It really made me think about the disposable sort of lifestyle that we tend to live in the West, and made me rethink the impacts of that lifestyle.

It started with plastic bags (one of the subjects of Freinkel's book.) It's true that I have had reusable shopping bags in my car forever, but I hardly ever remembered to use them. Now, I always had it in the back of my head that it wasn't *so* bad that I forget my reusable bags, because we always reuse the disposable plastic bags for something else (lunches, picking up dog poop on walks, trash bags for our bathroom trash) so that's not so bad, right? That's green! Only, Freinkel talks about how even if you do reuse these bags, you have to reuse them like a zillion times to "break even" on the environmental impact. So okay, I resolved to be better about the shopping bags.

Since I no longer have an influx of disposable grocery bags coming in to my house, I decided that the thing to do was to buy an insulated lunch bag. But then once I bought the lunch bag, I noticed that I was still using plastic silverware at work every day. That started to bug me, so I bought some cheap metal silverware to carry with me in my lunch bag. Much better!

That held me over for a while, but then it started bugging me that every morning when I stop to get my iced coffee from the coffee shop, it was in a disposable plastic cup. Yes, I could (and did) recycle the cup, but wouldn't it be better to get something that I could just wash and reuse? So, I bought a plastic mug that is perfect for my iced coffee. I felt very good about the whole thing for a while.

But then I thought about how many napkins and paper towels we throw away, both as a family, and at work. I decided that wasn't right, so I went out and bought a bunch of cloth napkins. Pshew! Now I can rest and stop buying crap to take in my lunch box.

Lately, I've been looking askance at the plastic sandwich baggies that I use to pack my sandwiches, berries, carrots, assorted snacks, et cetera. When I got an email for 50% off Re-pac baggies (basically reusable sandwich bags) I jumped on it. 50% off! I couldn't afford not to!

Which proved to be the straw that broke DH's back.

DH is not against being environmentally conscious. He faithfully recycles (or, anyway, he leaves his beer cans and yogurt containers on the counter so that I can recycle them. :rolleyes: But hey, at least he doesn't throw them away!) He actually wants to start composting and plant a garden next year, and he's on board with our next car being some sort of hybrid.

But he asked me a question, and I've been thinking about it ever since. Can you really save the world by buying more and more stuff? Does commercialism actually equal some sort of activism, or is buying "green" crap just another way for yuppies to pat themselves on the back? Is the net result of all of this buying just the fact that now there is even more mass produced junk in the world that will eventually fill up our landfills and float in the giant trash island in the middle of the ocean?

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Stupid DH

Ever since we got our iPods (I think in 2006) DH has had a charming habit of sneaking songs onto my iPod. Sometimes they are just songs that are funny or that he thinks that I will like, but in that case he usually mentions that he has put something new on so I can look for it. Other times, he puts on something romantic or meaningful, and then just waits for me to find it.

Normally, I find this irresistable. It's like getting a little musical love note at a moment when you least expect it. He knows that I always keep my iPod on shuffle, so I may not hear his song for days or even weeks after he puts it on, but when I do I know that it's meant for me, and I usually know why he put it on.

For example, today when I was on my walk, I got two new songs that he must have put on sometime fairly recently. The first one made me laugh. It was "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry. The reason he put this song on my iPod is because several weeks ago we were listening to the radio in the car, and I was singing along to that song and getting all of the words wrong and he was teasing me about it. When it came on my iPod today, it was like he was teasing me from long distance. I knew exactly why he put it on, and it made me laugh (as I'm sure he knew it would.) Stuff like that.

The second song that I heard today was "Everything is Alright" by Motion City Soundtrack. I don't know why he put that on, unless it was just to say "Everything is alright." And it made me cry my eyes out. Not cool when I have to go back to work.

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It sounds like you needed a good cry. That's so sweet that you guys are so in sync.

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Dear "Womb",

Apparently you don't realize that you're pretty much dead to me, so let me spell it out for you. I don't know what I ever did to you, but completely forgetting all of the crap we've been through in the past year (as if I ever could), let's talk about your behavior this weekend. Cramps that make me want to lay on the floor in the fetal position and whimper....in the middle of Zumba, and then again during my kid's preschool Open House? Not acceptable. Word to the wise, a-hole: Lay low. You and I are barely on speaking terms as is.

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((HUGS)) Alissa. I'm still thinking of you.

Any big Labor Day plans?

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Thank you. Smile

We are going up to DH's uncle's house outside of Loveland for a big family BBQ. How about you guys?

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I'm Structurally Sound

I don't remember if I have talked about this before (and I'm too lazy to go back and look) but now that a couple of months have gone by to give my system time to go back to normal, we are doing some testing to see if we can figure out if there is a reason for my miscarriages.

Last Tuesday, I went in to my dr's office to talk about our options. My doctor made it clear that it was up to me how far I want to go at this point, but my personality leans towards "no stone unturned", so I opted to do all of the testing that is indicated at this point. On Tuesday, they sent me to a lab to do blood tests for things like clotting factors and genetic problems. And OMG. I don't know specifically what all of the tests were, but the lab pulled 14 vials of blood. :eek: *Feels faint just talking about it.*

On Friday, they sent me to a local hospital to get a Hysterosalpingography (HSG). Basically, they shoot a bunch of dye into your uterus and then take pictures. This test can reveal a blocked tube, but that wasn't really our main focus since I don't seem to have problems getting pregnant. The tech was able to tell me at the time of the test that there were no indications of any blockages in my tubes, because the dye was flowing out as it should. The other thing this test looks for (and what we were really looking for) is any sort of abnormality or scarring in your uterus that could cause the fetuses to not implant properly.

Dr called me yesterday (after business hours, bless his heart. He really is a dear man.) to tell me the results. Everything looks completely normal. I am structurally sound! Lode bearing, even. LOL

Now, this is good news. When we were talking about it last Tuesday, he told me that genetic problems would be the only thing that we really can't treat, so I assume that if I had had a structural problem they would have been able to do something about it. Even so, I imagine that would have probably involved surgery, and that is something that I would have really had to weigh in my mind. Am I willing to go under the knife to try to possibly have another child? It would have slowed me down, at any rate.

So what's left? We are waiting to hear back the results of the first blood tests on Tuesday, and then a progesterone test on September 20th.

I was talking to DH about it last night, and I was trying to explain my feelings. What if they come back and say that they can't find anything? On one hand, that's good, right? That means that there is no reason why I couldn't have a healthy baby someday. On the other hand, that also means that I don't have any control over the outcomes. If it is something that just requires me to take a pill (like low progesterone or a clotting factor), then that is something that I can actively do to "fix it." If it's nothing, just bad luck, what do I do with that? How do I reconcile myself to being completely vulnerable to blind luck? Then DH went all nihilistic on me and noted that we're all pretty much vulnerable to that all of the time, every day. This a real quote: "That's staring into a scary chasm, isn't it?" :rolleyes: Seriously, save the twisty philosophical rhetoric for smoking on our back porch in 2002, please.

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It took a perinatologist to figure out what was wrong with me. As it turns out, my body wasn't making enough progesterone to keep me pregnant, which sucked 'cause I'd see a baby with a hb and then a few weeks later, m/c. And yes, that happened after having two children followed by three m/c before I had another.

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Rachael - Were they able to determine that before you got pregnant again, or did they keep testing you once you were pregnant?

My dr is testing my progesterone levels after I O, and he also mentioned that even if they don't actually find anything they can give me progesterone supplements once I get pregnant, so hopefully if that is the problem that will be enough.

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Be careful what you wish for.

This is copied from the chat thread in TTCAL because I don't feel like rewriting.

So my doctor just called with the results of my blood test. :eek: I guess I got what I wished for. I have:

1. A mild clotting disorder
2. Subclinical hypothyroidism
3. A gene that makes it hard for my body to absorb folic acid
4. An auto-immune thing that could attack new tissue including a fetus

And we still have to test my progesterone on the 20th

The good news is that all of this is treatable. The bad news is that since there are so many factors, I may have to do a daily shot when I get pregnant. Plus, I have to figure out what this means for my health in general. I think that I need to request that a copy of my test results be send to my GP to talk to her about the clotting thing and the hypothyroidism. My mom had a blood clot several years ago that could have killed her, and I know that hypothyroidism can really mess you up. So. It's funny, because I was hoping that they would find something, but now that they have...my mind is reeling. I feel like I have a lot of odds stacked against me at this point.

My dr is going to call a perinatologist today or tomorrow to talk about all of this and determine what the best course of action is, and then after we get the results of the progesterone test we can make a plan of action. But then once I know what will be involved, what the risks are, side effects, et cetera, it will be up to DH and I to do some talking and soul searching to decide if it's all worth it.

I want to have another baby. But not, like, at any cost. I don't want to put my health at risk. I don't want to knowingly put the baby's health at risk. I don't want to put my family in debt with costly medical interventions. I don't want to put my sanity at risk with driving myself nuts over a really super high risk pregnancy. So, those are all things that we will have to factor in as we move forward.

My mind is just spinning right now.

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"Alissa_Sal" wrote:

I want to have another baby. But not, like, at any cost. I don't want to put my health at risk. I don't want to knowingly put the baby's health at risk. I don't want to put my family in debt with costly medical interventions. I don't want to put my sanity at risk with driving myself nuts over a really super high risk pregnancy. So, those are all things that we will have to factor in as we move forward.

My mind is just spinning right now.

I hear you girl, and I feel the same way. Best wishes to you for getting that BFP without any issues and a normal, healthy pregnancy Wink

~M

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He said:

"Whatever, you should wear it like a badge of honor. You've got like 4 diseases and you still go to work. Some people can't get out of bed when they've got the sniffles."

Lol

It's so stupid, but it cheered me up.

Talked to DH last night. It never fails to surprise me how much he has changed over the past 5 years. 5 years ago, he was questioning whether or not he *ever* wanted kids. 4 years ago he agreed to stop preventing, but I think parts of him were still questioning if kids were really what he wanted out of life. Now he totally adores our son, and he was the one that brought up having another one in the first place. But it still surprised me last night when he said that even if having another baby would take a complicated process, he would support me if that's what I wanted. In most ways, he is such a raging pragmatist, and I remember the dude that wasn't sure he ever wanted kids in the first place; I wouldn't have expected him to ever agree to "complicated."

But he also said that if I don't want to go through that, he's okay with that too. T and I are enough for him.

So, no pressure. I like that.

My plan for today is to call my GP and find out where my OB needs to send the results of my tests, and set up an appointment to go over the results and decide what, if anything, needs to be done to improve my over all health. I don't know, for example, if my thyroid levels are low enough to warrant being on medication (I can't help but hope that if that's the case, the medication will make it easier for me to maintain my weight - silly vain thing that I am to the very end) or if I should be on baby aspirin or something for the clotting disorder. My doctor mentioned that the auto-immune thing means that I'm at risk for developing lupus or arthritis later in life, but I don't know if there is anything that can be/should be done now to try to reduce those odds. These are things that I need to know from the perspective of maintaining my own health, not just from the perspective of maximizing my chances of having another baby (which is my OB's focus). So new goal - talk to my dr and find out what I need to do to get me as healthy as possible before I even think about this whole baby thing.

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