Patiently Waiting...
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  1. #1
    tiffanyheth
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    Default Patiently Waiting...

    Well, I've been wanting to start a journal for some time...I guess everyone says that, but I thought today would be great because it is my 24th birthday! I have been married to DH John since May 11, 2002...almost 2 1/2 years. We have no kids, unless you count our spoiled little girl dog, Hannah and our orphan boy dog, Jake. DH is a pastor in ND and I am waiting, waiting....on a call from an interview I had recently with a company that works with domestic violence cases, etc. So I have been suffering from mild baby fever since early this year...I went to China for the summer to teach English as a second language, came home with no fever and then in September...it hit again...hard. So DH "isn't ready" for a baby and I am so ready. I couldn't take his lack of response and he couldn't take my obsession so we came to an agreement. Over dinner one night we decided that until I run out of my bcp (late November) I would not obsess over babies and he would seriously consider the possibility. So later this month we will decide to either get back on the pills or start TTC...I want it to be TTC so bad! I think if I get this job it could be a great bonus financially but then we have the dilemma of childcare. So all of that being said I'm just patiently waiting...

  2. #2
    tiffanyheth
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    So, on my way out of town to celebrate my birthday I checked the mail...and there it was...the letter from the company I interviewed with. However, it wasn't the letter I had been waiting for...

    We were impressed with your skills and qualifications, however we hired another candidate.

    I was devastated...I was counting on that position for so much! Anyway, DH and I still had a decent time celebrating. We went to dinner, then to a hotel and today we went shopping. I don't know what the next step is from here, so, until then I'm patiently waiting...

  3. #3
    tiffanyheth
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    Okay, I am so tired of hearing something better will come along...I don't know if I believe that! What kind of jobs are available in the counseling field in rural ND? NONE! Okay...I really don't want to spend the time venting about a job that I didn't get...it really won't make matters any different.

    Today, a lady at the college asked me if I was expecting...I couldn't believe it! How audacious! I am overweight and just so happen to carry the weight in my midsection...I wish I could have given a really witty reply, but I was so shocked that I just walked away and cried when I got to my car!

    Well anyway...enough venting...

    I came up with a name for a son for the future...Joel Titus...I don't know, I just would love to get pregnant within the next decade...oh well, until then, patiently waiting...

  4. #4
    tiffanyheth
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    So DH wakes up today and decides that he has 101 things to do before the opening of deer season at 12 noon. Maybe he could try doing things ahead of time...I will give him credit though...he would have gotten more done yesterday, except that he got stuck his truck stuck in the mud. So by the time he finally made it home it was dark and he was beat. Anyway...back to today...he decideds that he needs to mow our lawn, bag the leaves and then mow the church lawn and bag the leaves (did I mention that he is a pastor)...well anyway, it is 30 minutes before deer season opens and he is still working on our lawn...he needs to work on church business yet, his sermon, etc...I suppose that he doesn't have to go deer hunting today, but if he doesn't he'll regret it. I just wish he didn't feel like he has to do it all...but he is too prideful to call someone else to work on the church lawn and procrastinates too much to have it done already. Oh well...

    Today, I plan on going to a friends house to help out for awhile. She just had gastric bypass surgery and isn't allowed to lift a finger, so, I am going over to see what I can do for her.

    I mentioned today that we should start trying to conceive and I didn't get a strange look... it may not sound like that big of deal...but is definitely a milestone from two months ago. So I wonder what December will bring for TTC..
    Time will tell!

    Last night we got some unsettling news...a youth pastor we kinda know...from another state was just busted for having sex with a teenage girl. It is really sad b/c he was a fairly popular speaker and now his sin has become well know too. Heartbreaking...

    I can't believe how slow time passes...I am just ready to start TTC...it seems like so many people are pregnant (many who don't even want to be) and I want so badly to be and Im just patiently waiting...

  5. #5
    tiffanyheth
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    So I went to my friends house to help out and all she wanted me to do was keep her company...visit with her, so I did! I was there for nearly four hours just talking and listening...it was nice, but I felt useless being there. Anway, today we went to a football game and saw lots of babies and pregnant girls...a friend who is pregnant right now told me that she had a dream that I was pregnant...oh if only it were true. Today was a fairly relaxing day...I made a birthday cake for myself , went to a football game, visited with some friends, and am now online. Saturdays are good days...sometimes.

    I don't really have any news or anything exciting to write really, but I just want to pass on the to everyone out their who are TOC or TTC and of course to myself!

    So until its my turn, Im patiently waiting...

  6. #6
    tiffanyheth
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    During Supper last night DH starts talking about all the benefits of having children. Then he says that if made a list of all the pros vs. cons his cons would definitely outweigh the pros. I reminded him that this "time" is for us to really consider one anothers feelings and he said that it was actually time for him to change his mind. That hurt my feelings b/c I don't want him to just give in to me, I want him to have the desire like I do. I was sad b/c I think that he is being resistant, even though we made an agreement. So I went to the bedroom to lay down, cry, and pray. He came in there and we talked. For once, he really shared his heart. He described how he is afraid of being resentful if we had a baby or that when the baby is crying in the middle of the night he would change his mind or that when I am having a hormonal pregnant moment he will say hurtful things about not having a baby. He feels that maybe he is too selfish. Then we got off on a tangent about his parents and when he was a baby. Big alligator tears slowing fell down his cheeks and he said that he was so afraid of letting his kids down. Now there is a reason that I feel came from the heart.

    I want so bad for us to share the same feelings on this...either be ready together or not ready together...but it doesn't seem like either of us can change our feelings. Oh how discouraging! I wish so much that I could fast forward time and let him hold our first born in his arms and then rewind back to now so that he can understand what its like for me to not have that.

    I have a great husband...he helps around the house, he is so sweet to me, he prays with me, he is respectable and honorable, and I just cannot wait to have a baby with him! I see him doing the things that he is so good at: like preaching, interacted with people, praying, and it only makes that baby desire so much greater!

    So aside from my baby desires, DH suggested that I apply for this hospital assistant administrative position. Im just not sure, I went to college so that I could work with hurting, needy people...not to type medical records, file, and spend hours at a desk with little or no human contact...much less any counseling. I guess it would be worth a shot...I do need a good paying job, I just don't think its worth doing something I hate just for the sake of having a job. Oh well, we will see.

    I haven't talked to my mom in a few days, Im excited because she is definitely flying up to ND for my graduation. There was a time when we didn't think she would, but she is! I am so thrilled, this is a huge milestone in my life (Im only the 2nd person to graduate in our family!) So it will be fun for her to visit. My older sister has shingles...oh what a pain for her! It seems just when life starts going well for her, something else comees along to throw her off course. I know there is nothing anyone could do for her, but I sure wish that I could.

    I think thats all for now, so until later, Im patiently waiting...

  7. #7
    tiffanyheth
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    Default

    During Supper last night DH starts talking about all the benefits of having children. Then he says that if made a list of all the pros vs. cons his cons would definitely outweigh the pros. I reminded him that this "time" is for us to really consider one anothers feelings and he said that it was actually time for him to change his mind. That hurt my feelings b/c I don't want him to just give in to me, I want him to have the desire like I do. I was sad b/c I think that he is being resistant, even though we made an agreement. So I went to the bedroom to lay down, cry, and pray. He came in there and we talked. For once, he really shared his heart. He described how he is afraid of being resentful if we had a baby or that when the baby is crying in the middle of the night he would change his mind or that when I am having a hormonal pregnant moment he will say hurtful things about not having a baby. He feels that maybe he is too selfish. Then we got off on a tangent about his parents and when he was a baby. Big alligator tears slowing fell down his cheeks and he said that he was so afraid of letting his kids down. Now there is a reason that I feel came from the heart.

    I want so bad for us to share the same feelings on this...either be ready together or not ready together...but it doesn't seem like either of us can change our feelings. Oh how discouraging! I wish so much that I could fast forward time and let him hold our first born in his arms and then rewind back to now so that he can understand what its like for me to not have that.

    I have a great husband...he helps around the house, he is so sweet to me, he prays with me, he is respectable and honorable, and I just cannot wait to have a baby with him! I see him doing the things that he is so good at: like preaching, interacted with people, praying, and it only makes that baby desire so much greater!

    So aside from my baby desires, DH suggested that I apply for this hospital assistant administrative position. Im just not sure, I went to college so that I could work with hurting, needy people...not to type medical records, file, and spend hours at a desk with little or no human contact...much less any counseling. I guess it would be worth a shot...I do need a good paying job, I just don't think its worth doing something I hate just for the sake of having a job. Oh well, we will see.

    I haven't talked to my mom in a few days, Im excited because she is definitely flying up to ND for my graduation. There was a time when we didn't think she would, but she is! I am so thrilled, this is a huge milestone in my life (Im only the 2nd person to graduate in our family!) So it will be fun for her to visit. My older sister has shingles...oh what a pain for her! It seems just when life starts going well for her, something else comees along to throw her off course. I know there is nothing anyone could do for her, but I sure wish that I could.

    I think thats all for now, so until later, Im patiently waiting...

  8. #8
    tiffanyheth
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    Well, the time has come...my birth control pills are running out and we have to make a decision. So we did...we made a great compromise...We decided that we would get off the pills and although we weren't going to prevent, we were not going to try either. We are just going to leave it up to nature and God! I am very please with this decision and so is DH. I feel like this was the best possible compromise. Im actually nervous about the unexpected...the every month potential of being pregnant...but Im also very excited!

    So until next time, I'm patiently waiting...

  9. #9
    tiffanyheth
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    Thanksgiving...we have survived Thanksgiving..but barely...

    You see, the week before we traveled home MIL called to tell us that she was working on our schedule for while we were visiting...Tuesday night with her, Wednesday with her, Thursday with FIL, Friday with her, Saturday with her...
    well we weren't able to leave our home until Wednesday...so we had our Thanksgiving meal with her when we arrived Wednesday evening. Thursday, we had already committed Thanksgiving day to FIL, his parents, and family...so we went over there at noon and stayed until midnight...it was a great, no pressure time.
    Friday morning, I am scheduled to have lunch with the ladies on MIL's side of the family...we had a nice meal, and I thought we would be going shopping, but no, that didn't fit into MIL's schedule...so I went back to her house, called up DH and went with him to a high school friend's house...for just a little while...because we were scheduled to go to DH's grandmothers house to visit her and out-of-town relatives that we see just as often as his parents...then we have to leave just so we can have some time to do what we wanted to do.
    *Side note: During the ride to the restaurant to meet with MIL's lady relatives, DH and I discuss our frustrations about some things: we assumed MIL moved our keys b/c she had moved our car and he couldn't find his keys, we were extremely mad that she had our days scheduled out (no time for ourselves), then we discussed why she wasn't able to come pick me and SIL up for the lunch b/c she was out "shopping." So our conversation was an expression of our frustrations, and it was private...*
    On Saturday we have to pack up the car with our luggage and some things I needed from MIL for a party this season...and then we had to go see DH's paternal grandparents one more time (it could be another year or more before we see them again)...and then we had to leave to come home.
    So...we arrive home on Saturday night very late, and have to get up on Sunday very early to prepare for church...
    Sunday, we are tired, stressed out, and in great need of a break, but then MIL calls to confront him about our car conversation, b/c my 14 year old SIL decided to tell her mother that we were "ripping her apart and tearing her down." Not only did she confront him, but she shot daggars referring to my DH's career and guilted him...I was so angry! First of all, we never called MIL a single name, nor did we insult her...we were just expressing frustrations...in a private conversation! I am so furious!

    Anyway, needless to say, we aren't going back for Thanksgiving again b/c it ended up being two very stressful days sandwiched in between two days of traveling...and then for the cherry on top...MIL has to make that phone call...UGH

    The Christmas season is packed: This Month: Christmas decorating at church, Program practice very Wednesday and Saturday, Birthday party at the nursing home, Women's Ministries Christmas party, Church Board Christmas party, Church Program, my graduation, my mother visiting, finals, Christmas shopping, and traveling to visit my family!

    Well, back to the more important issue of TTC...the pills are long gone, waiting for AF to leave, and ready for some love making , I need to get in to see a midwife for a preconception check-up, and then its on we go...

    but until then, Im waiting, but Im not sure how patiently...

  10. #10
    tiffanyheth
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    The witch, AF, is long gone, and the busiest month of the year is here. DH is not feeling very good, but we still took time to BD yesterday, and it was HOT! Anway, I finally graduate this Friday and my mother is going to fly in on Thursday. I still haven't gotten in for a preconception exam...I will, I will!

    I must get back to work, so until later, Im patiently waiting!

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