a line is a line is a line!!! it MIGHT make you feel better to go burn a few more tests!! after all, I burned 4!! :woohoo: CONGRATULATIONS
UPDATED: Well, I just got my bloodtest results...negative. The midwife cannot exlain to me why I got a faint positive on Sunday. She doesn't know any answers. Im crushed. I always get my hopes up for things and then when Im let down, Im really let down. Im now faced with the dilemma of the missing AF. I don't know what to do, how to feel, or where to go from here. They say a false positive is rare, so Im the lucky one! Thanks for all of your congratulations. We're not giving up (at least DH isn't)...but I know that without AF we can't move on. So Im stuck.
Excommunicated from la-la land, Tiffany
I need to take a few minutes to vent. I feel so stupid for getting my hopes up. I do this alot! But this has to be the worst. Everything pointed toward pregnancy...sore boobs (and worse than AF ever brings), nausea, heartburn, and the most obvious, missed AF.
I want to be pregnant, I want a baby, I want to to be healthy, but Im just disappointed. I feel if I get my hopes up again they will be dashed down again.
I know that it could be worse: miscarriage or something else, but at this moment, I couldn't be more disappointed. I know that John doesn't understand and I also knows that he wants to keep moving ahead, but I feel like he isn't giving me a moment to feel sad. To feel disappointed.
The nurse told me that we could test again if a few more days, but I can't imagine more and more disappointment. I don't know if I should still do Provera now. I suppose if AF doesn't show her stupid b$&%@y head then I guess it would be a good thing to get AF going.
I feel like crap...my back hurts, my boobs hurt, my stomach hurts from crying, my head hurts, and my spirit is hurt. I want to scream, I want to curl in a ball and I need TLC, but John is soooooo baffled he can't offer anything valuable...bless his heart.
I know that this won't last long...I'll get over it and be happily TTC again, but right now I just need to proces this stupid stupid stupid incident!
Not really patiently waiting...
Okay, so today is CD 35...Im still feeling crappy, but I have some motivation...On Monday I think Im going to go in for Provera. It will be longer than 12 days since we did it last. I feel slightly motivated to exercise (or at least walking). I think Im going to relax on TTC for a little while...not completely...Im not taking a break, but I do want to lighten some of the pressure I've put on myself and John.
For example, I think Im going to continue charting, but we are going to have sex whenever we want and Im going to relax with the OPKs. At least for now.
I do have one question...where is AF???? Oh where oh where has the little witch gone....oh where oh were could she be?
Anyway, answers aren't something easy to come by! Patiently waiting for now....
So, AF is still MIA! I have an appointment with my midwife for Monday at 3:15. I hope she can shed some light on whats going on. Perhaps she could tell me that Im actually preggers. Im not holding my breath, though! John just left for a men's retreat. I've got to go to sleep...Gotta work the night shift tonight...UGH..
To busy to be impatient, so Im patiently waiting...
I went in to see my midwife today. AF is 11 days late, Im definitely not pregnant . I thought I was going in to start a round of Provera, but not yet. She had blood drawn to test for thyroid problems, elevated Prolactin, and one other test. If its none of the above then she'll do an ultrasound to look at my ovaries and uterus, then perhaps do an Hsg. She is also hooking me up with a fertility specialist in her office. First of all, I hate that Im not pregnant and that AF is MIA, but secondly, I love that she is so proactive about all of this. The lady wastes no time!
Anyway, Im waiting on my test results to come in tomorrow and then I'll know whats next!
Well, all of my blood work came back normal! Thats good b/c I know that Im relatively healthy, but sad b/c then there must be something else going on. I have an appt. with the fertility specialist THIS Thursday. I feel good...we're getting this show on the road, no dilly-dallying, no dawdling, no screwing around!
WOW...I haven't posted on here in awhile! So this is whats going on: I saw the specialist, was diagnosed with PCOS...prescribed Metformin (a diabetic med) to help treat it. John is having a SA done tomorrow...we want to make sure everything is good on his end.
The medication makes me very, very exhausted! It unreal! Anyway, thats whats going on...OH, I finally got AF on CD44 or something like that...here's hoping for a healthier ME and ovulation!
Well...I've been working my butt off! My new job wipes me out! John got the SA done...240 million per mL...Thats so awesome! He is a sperm super-hero! Im just so happy!
Except that tonight Im sick...terrible sore throat and a cough...ugh...its frustrating!
Thats all for now..until later, Im patiently waiting (and I actually am feeling patient!)...
So, Im still sick...except I got worse...I think Im ovulating right now...which is good, but I can't be for sure...Im not charting this cycle (trying to re-establish some of my sanity) and I can't get a + OPK...so all I can do is BD and pray! Anyway...thats whats going on with me...I doubt feel like going into long details of my days since the last post...Oh well, maybe another day!
Its been a long time since I've been here...(((HUGE BREATH)))
Im still on the Metformin (which I just learned could take up to 6 months before it starts working. Im still not to keen on the three pills per day, not to mention that Im terrible at remembering. AF is late, over a week late. After BD last night I had this strange spotting stuff...and nothing since...hmm...could I be pregnant?
If AF isn't here by Saturday Im definitely going to test again. Im not expecting much, though...
I am going to temp next cycle...I bought a book on PCOS and in it said that PCOS sufferers have an abnormal amount of LH so OPKs are typically inaccurate and difficult to get a pos result, so, thats that...
My job is going good...still loving it, one of my favorite little ladies there is dying, so that makes me nervous!
Right now Im trying to decide if I should enter a Plus Size Pageant or return to China...its a very difficult decision to make...my husband, I think, is pulling more for China but I don't want to be gone as long as I was last year (2 months...uh huh)...
I don't know what to do...but thats all for now...I gotta go to work!
I am learning to be patiently waiting...
Well, I've had absolutely no more spotting...not even a tinge...I want to test today, but Im afraid too...
So I think Im going to wait...last cycle AF was 2 weeks 1 day late, so...
Someone told me that perhaps Im just NOW ovulating, so I need to get BDing! If this is the case then AF won't come next week either...so maybe then the NEXT week...
This is not fun...AF here, AF there, here an AF, there an AF...no where an AF
I should call my midwife or fertility counselor to see their take on things, but again, perhaps I should wait a week.
Im not sure what to do...but I seriously feel as if everything is going to be ALRIGHT!
John and I are looking at taking a vacation...that would be so fun! We should do it sooner rather than later!
Anyway, Im still patiently waiting...
I haven't posted here in some time: I have been gone for awhile now. I have been fighting sadness for quite some time now and last week it all finally exploded. I am clinically depressed. This isn't easy for me and if any one would like more information (or would just like to give me hugs), please send me a private message, email me, call me, or something.
Last Wednesday was the worst day that I've had in a long time. It was a breaking point for me. I hurt myself and cut my hair in a very week moment, but I have sought help and am going to be okay.
I cannot explain why this is happening, what my reasons are for this depression that I am experiencing. The reasons I could list are not equivalent to what I feel. There seems to be an endless well of tears and sorrow pitted deep within me and Im not going to snap out of it or be able to mask it. I am getting help.
TTC is NOT the root, the root goes deeper and beyond TTC. I do know that infertility and PCOS are contributers...or fuel to the flame. My self-image is very unhealthy and this point, my emotions are very low, and my mental health is unstable. Many of you may scoff at what seems like the "blues" or whatever else. I can assure you that my feelings are nothign I've ever felt before and aren't going away by themselves. I am frightened, and I can say, as this is a "high" point for me, I do not fully trust myself. My husband has been a rock and has taken necessary precautions to intervene.
I feel very alone right now, although the few people that know my situation are rallying with me. John and I are taking a break from TTC at this point as my wellness is a priority. I am in no position to carry a baby, much less bring one into this world. I do not feel this will be a long break, but it will be extensive. I am going back on birth control pills for this time being, remaining on Metformin, and when I am ready, I will go off the pills and immediately begin Clomid. I will be going on Lexapro for an antidepressant and seeing a professional counselor.
I will be here, , but for now Im not much interested in the things I usually love.
isn't easy, God Bless.....will talk to ya as I can....love ya hon.....
Please KUP about how you are doing.
Well I went a saw my doctor. She immediately got me in with a counselor through the clinic and prescribed me Lexapro, an antidepressant. I went and saw the counselor, who is very nice and seems caring. I have a prescription of birth control pills waiting for me at the pharmacy...I just have to go get them. Im definitely not looking forward to that, it actually hurts. But I know its for the best, for now. I don't know how long we're going to take a break for, but we're talking about waiting six months.
That should give me plenty of time to get better, I hope. As each day passes my emotions vary, I'll have okay days and I'll average days, and there are the bad days. I've yet to have a good day, but Im working on it.
John and I are taking a real, much needed vacation tomorrow. We are going to the Black Hills, where Mt. Rushmore is. There are some really nice cabins in the mountains there that are rented to ministers for free. We are going to get one with a hot tub. Hopefully that will be good for us, for me.
I still don't have any motivation to do anything constructive. John pretty much has to talk me into showering. The house is a wreck and all I care to do is sleep.
I hate it. I hate how I feel. I need help, someone to just come in, take me by the hand and guide me through the process of cleaning.
Anway, thats my update!
So, not really much to say. My meds are helping, counseling too, Im feeling better! TTC break has been great for me, too!
Anyway, 3 months until we start again! YAY!
Thats all for now...
Still patiently waiting...
Well, its official, we're TTC AGAIN!!
Im so excited!!
congrats hon, I miss talkin to ya, things are starting to settle down A LITTLE BIT and I look forward to chatting again
Now that I have time, I'll give a thorough report. So my 4 months on a TTC break, with antidepressants, counseling, etc were wonderful for me. I was able to get to "myself" again. I am now off bcp again, off antidepressants, and we are TTC again. I feel as if things are much happier, bright, and promising. John's job seems much better: we feel more supported these days than every before. He got an office away from the home, which is a huge blessing. My job is also going well: I switched to the graveyard shift, and although it seems as if it would be more stressful, its not. There is not drama on that shift!! I just do my job, do it well and thats it. I sleep while John as at his office and then we spend the evenings together. It works really well for us!
Recently however, I started having excruciating back pain: I thought sciatica, nope. I tried massage, OH NO! Finally, I went to see a doctor, and he mentioned fibromyalgia. No tests. No meds. Just some pain killer. My chiropractor/acupuncturist suggested fibromyalgia also. Well after much research and talking to another physician (a very talented, highly recommended doctor) I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
Basically it is a neuro-disease that cannot be tested for. All other diseases must be ruled out. This can cause depression, bowel problems, headaches, anxiety, fatigue, not to mention the severe pain that is its trademark. Also there is no real cure for the disease, but it isn't a death sentence, either. It is manageable through steroids (which Im not sure I'll even touch), acupuncture and chiropractics. I have an appointment on Thursday to see my doctor and talk about the fibromyalgia, treatments, and TTC.
Overall, I feel good! Im at a place, that I believe is healthy, happy, and hopeful! I look forward to the day that John and I will be blessed with a baby, but I know that that day will come when it will come. No amount of worrying, temping, crying, will make it happen!
Thats my update...thanks if you've gotten this far! Feel free to PM me, post to me, email me with any info on fibrom. or anything else!!
As always, patiently waiting...really I am!!!
bumping for ya....