A place to let go *Comments are welcome*

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A place to let go *Comments are welcome*

I had a journal near the end of my pregnancy with Aidan and held on to it for a few months during my battle with PPD. It really helped to get things out and not just bottled up, so I guess that's why I'm doing it again. So don't expect a happy go lucky journal, although I'm sure I'll be gushing alot about my awesome 18month old:). I don't tend to keep up my journals when I'm happy lol, so lets hope this one doesn't last long:p

So I guess the best place to start is the beginning, go figure.

I'm Allie, 30 years old and one proud mama to my DS Aidan, born April 15, 2008, I live common law with Aidan's father whom I've been with for about 6 years (or so) .

My whole life I've only ever wanted one baby. When I got pregnant I was scared and then happy, I guess that's the general feeling of all first time moms. I did not enjoy my pregnancy at all, I had a really good pregnancy though, as far as no morning sickness, I only gained 18 lbs, and I had a pretty easy labour (8hours) but my emotions were a mess. I have a history of depression and I guess the hormones brought it back full throttle. After my son was about 3 months old, I decided there was no way I couldn't do this again. I wanted another baby.......not yet of course lol. I don't know if DH is just gun shy from my horrid mood through the pregnancy and after but he's saying no more. it's breaking my heart. I don't know if anyone reading this has had baby fever (chances are yes) but it's almost painful. All I think about every day is holding a newborn, nursing again, wearing my baby etc...

I'm on BC right now. I know I won't be ready until Aidan is about 2 to TTC, I've told DH that he has until then to make up his mind for sure. If he still says no, I can't see how it'll work. He doesn't want to get married either, that's another thing. Is it selfish of me to want to be a wife to someone AND a mother of more than one? it's almost like I get to have one or the other with him (and right now neither). With my feelings the way they are right now, I don't want either (with him) I sometimes wish I could start over, just Aidan and I and find someone who would be happy to call me his wife and the mother of his children.... As my mother has said before, i've made my bed, now I have to lie in it...I guess.

I feel bad because lately I've been keeping DH at an arms length, almost like I'm trying to keep my distance in case things don't work out, like it would be easier emotionally.

Please feel free to comment in this journal (if that's even allowed lol) especially if you've gone through a similar experience or have some words of wisdom...and if it's only me and my thoughts here that's ok too, it was afterall, the point of this journal;)

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last night I got my hair cut, I was in desperate need. I got into the rut of the perma-ponytail. The cut is great, I'm really happy with it, but I went and coloured it too and it came out too dark, I know it will fade in a few washes, but still, it seems so severe right now.

I wanted to sit up in bed after my hair was done and read, I started the Twilight saga, I have to say I'm not a huge fan so far. I just don't like her style of writing, but I have to muscle through it because I promised my SIL I'd go see the next movie with her. DH had other ideas last night, he wanted to DTD, I felt bad because I never "put out" lol so I did, but I just can't get in the mood anymore. Maybe it's the whole wanting a baby, he doesn't so what's the point, kind of mentality. I know, it's stupid. I've got to stop being such an old lady, I go to bed at 8pm, read my book and then fall asleep, it's like Dh and I are merely roommates who share a bed:confused:.

I have a baby shower to go to in 2 weeks, those are the worst, seeing the happy preggo mama and more than likely one or two more. It's very cold of me. I really am happy for her, it's just hard when you know it's such a battle at home to have something so natural.

On a different note, I'm a cake decorator by trade, so this weekend I have a ladybug birthday cake to make, I'm pretty excited to see how it turns out, I'll post pics.

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well the cake turned out great, I'm so excited for the mama to see it. my hands are red and pink though from dying the fondant.

Last night SD stayed over, we'll have her for the whole weekend. I feel like a terrible person for not looking forward to it, afterall, she's 6. SD and I don't really get along, she is her mother through and through. Her mom isn't a bad person at all, a little flighty but managable as an ex. SD is a 16 yo in a 6 yo's body, she has attitude plus flowing out of her at any given moment. She does things to get on your nerves purposely and does it to Aidan all the time, he loves her though, and I wouldn't want to change that ever. DH also favours her, it's obvious, even though he'd beg to differ. Things that she got away with as a toddler, Aidan get's yelled at, or put in time out. I never remember DH raising his voice to SD when she was little, even still when she's being rude to someone by ignoring them etc he doesn't get overly angry. I think it bothers me more because I feel like I have to stick up for Aidan. Don't get me wrong, I am very strict, especially with Aidan because I want to raise him right, but I also soften up faster and give hugs after the punishment is done. I hate when DH screams at him, he's never done that before and it bothers me big time. he'd never hit him, if he tried he'd be on a gurny to the ER, but I'm not worried about that.

Ok i'm rambling, lots of run on sentences there..sorry. I feel like a child sometimes when she's there. rolling my eyes when no one can see because of the things she says, getting frustrated easily because of the things she does. ugh, I need to grow up.

Wow, I'm not a happy person. I don't like the person I am right now

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It's Saturday, and what a night. Aidan is getting sick, he's got snot everywhere, and a bad cough, I don't think it's the flu, I'm guessing a cold. He was up every hour last night, I felt like I had a newborn again, although a heavy one who wanted to pretend he was a monkey at 2am. He seems ok now, still snotty, but not as congested as last night, I'll keep pumping him full of Vit D and C and flush it out of his system.

I told DH I was tired this morning, he asked why? :rolleyes: I don't get how men can sleep through anything let alone their child crying, I guess they don't feel they HAVE to wake up because mommy's always got it under control.

Tonight is SIL's b-day night out, we're going to the bar to watch the hockey game (Go Leafs Go) MIL will be watching Aidan. If he seems worse later though I'll stay home with him. I'm not a huge fan of that SIL anyway lol. I hope DH doesn't overdo it on the drinking, he tends to "pre-drink" because he can't afford to drink at the bar, but ends up drinking just as much anyway because he'll throw it on credit, usually I end up leaving him at the bar becuase he gets obnoxious and I get embarrassed....wish me luck. If it's bad you'll be hearing from me again tonight.

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My baby is sick, he's got a cold and a pretty good cough, I'll tell you though, if you go out in public with a kid who's coughing, everyone looks at you like you have leporacy. this H1N1 paranoia is getting out of hand now, and I'm tired of it.

Yesterday was such a beautiful day, I bundled Aidan up and brought him outside for some fresh air...well he pretty much demanded it lol. He played in the leaves while we bagged them after that we had lunch and both of us went down for a nap, it was much needed after the night before. As I had said, we went out for SIL's birthday and I had a glass of wine and that's it so I was fine, between Aidan's coughing all night and DH's drunken snoring I didn't get ANY sleep. I'm surprised he wasn't black and blue from all the elbows I threw his way. I was sooooo not impressed. SD went home yesterday afternoon after us having her since Thursday, It's horrible to say but I was glad to see her go:confused: She was testing me all weekend, and when I tell her no or to stop, she looks at me with this glare and it gets my back up. She was doing everything in her power all weekend to bug Aidan and myself, I had had it by Sunday. She doesn't come over again until Tuesday. i wonder if DH notices my mood shift when she's not there. I feel so guilty and terrible about it, who dislikes an innocent 6 year old???

Oh and on a brighter note, my cake was a total success, I was so happy with it and it was received with enthusiasm which made my day:)

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I did my budget yesterday, ugh I'm broke, my Visa is up to $5000, being on mat leave for a year was wonderful, but it sure put a major dent in my finances. I'm slowly paying it down, but being so close to Christmas I'm sure I'll be putting even more on it. I hope I get a decen bonus this year:confused:

Today is rediculously slow at work, I have absolutely nothing to do, it makes the day drag. This morning DH said Aidan was asking for me, saying "Mommy, home?" he said no and then he said he got the puppy dog eyes so they called me at work:( I really miss him during the day. They're only this little for such a short time. I'm thankful for living in Canada and getting a whole year off, but I guess like anything else, it's never enough is it?

Tomorrow Aidan and I are heading out to Ottawa to visit my mom, it's a 4 hour drive and I'm not sure how Aidan will handle it since he hates the car seat (always has) but it'll be nice to get away for a while. I think I'll ask my SIL if I can borrow her portable DVD player for Aidan and just keep pumping Elmo on it lol.

I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year. it's nice to be able to look forward to something. Aidan's getting spoiled of course and I can't wait to see his face when he opens his gifts. Santa is getting him a Train set (he loves choo choo's) and I bought him a stuffed Elmo (among many other things, hmm, that could also explain my Visa:rolleyes:) Elmo is is absolute favorite right now, at any random time he'll just start saying "Elmo, Elmo Elmo" I never liked Christmas before, it's such an emotional holidy for some reason and I don't deal well with it, but Aidan is making it great. I'm such a lucky mama.

Aidan seems to be feeling better, he's still coughing at night and still has some great green snot lol, but he's coughing less during the day and his voice doesn't seem so froggy. I'm glad, I'm going to keep pumping the Vit C and D and hope it goes away fast. I've been taking it myself and my cold hasn't progressed to anything worse than a slight hack and a few sneezes here and there. DH won't take anything and he's "dying" men are such babies.

ok I guess I should go pretend to be productive aka, online shop for Christmas gifts..it's actually saving me money this year because I can look for the deals, I've got some great gifts for some great prices:D that and I don't get tempted to window shop and spend more

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The Ladybug cake looks great (bet it tasted great too)! Love the little flower cupcakes!

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Thanks:) there was alot of food colouring in that cake though so I don't know how good the fondant tasted lol

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Gah, I had a whole page and then lost it:mad: :violent2:

Well our little trip to Ottawa was great, Aidan was awesome in the car and even more awesome at Grandmaman's house. The poor cats will forever be afraid though lol.

On the drive up I got alot of thinking time in. I still think back to Aidan's first 12 months and DH didn't get along at all. There were alot of unsaid but not denied accusations made to me. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed and DH was adamant that he had formula, I was made to feel that I was starving him because he was small. We went to many doctors because of this. There is nothing worse than being made to feel that you're not caring for your child to the best of your ability. It's something that will stay with me for who knows how long? I was also made to feel lazy while I was off. Aidan was awake to nurse every hour at night, so I was a zombie during the day. if the house was a mess or dinner wasn't cooked, I was made to feel like an aweful person. That kind of thing takes it's toll on a person after a while, and a year of it has stuck with me. I don't know if I'll ever feel the same about DH again. OMG I used to be so head over heels in love with him, now just the littlest things make me cringe. I know I definitely don't DTD enough, but I just don't want to, I have no desire at all, and it's not like I would with someone else, I just have NO drive. sorry for TMI, but that's just me lol.

I'm starting to wonder if getting off my antidepressants was a bad idea. I had horrible PPD after Aidan was born and then was on meds until he was about 15 months old, I weaned myself off, and have noticed a downward spiral since then. I don't want to be on drugs though, for selfish reasons as well as legit ones. DH doesn't believe in depression which doesn't help matters, his mentality is that if you just think happy thoughts you'll be happy, well sh!t, why didn't I think of that:rolleyes:

I hated leaving for work today. I've been with Aidan since Wednesday, I had a few days off, I cried myself to sleep last night with the anticipation of leaving him. We are just too attached, I know it's good for him, but it's not for me:(. Sometimes I think i would be happier if it were just Aidan and I, it's not healthy I know, and I know how hard it must be for a single mom, I would hate to do that to Aidan as well, he loves his dad.

ok I need to get to work, keep busy and hope the day flies

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Well I did it, I went back on my anti-depressants, DH won't be too happy about it, but you know what? I don't care, I can't keep feeling like this all the time, the day I decided to do it I was just in a haze of tears and self pity, It's not fair to me, it's not fair to Aidan, he needs his mommy, all of her. Although, right now, I don't feel all there. The first few weeks on this stuff is a haze, I don't remember much because the first time I went on the, I was only 6 weeks post partum so I thought the haze was from, no sleep and PPD, I guess it was the meds afterall.

last night DH was rubbing my leg, it was extremely ticklish so I pulled my leg back, I guess he took that as a rejection and got all sulky. I guess I should feel bad, but right now I want to concentrate on me, getting me back to where I was. I'm really hoping this is the answer, I'm sick of feeling the way I am, once upon a time I was a happy go lucky girl.:confused:

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day 3 on my ADs, I can't wait until the breaking in period is over, I'm in such a haze right now, but I know it will get better and then I will finally have a bit of normalcy in my life again...I hope. I am exhausted by evening and barely able to stay awake long enough to put Aidan to bed, I end up falling asleep rocking him (yes I still rock Aidan and I love it lol), I give DH the excuse that I'm going up to read in bed so I don't get laughed at for wanting to go to bed so early, but within 2 pages I'm out like a light, the only problem is I'm awake by 3:30 or so and fighting to go back to sleep. I should just do like DH and get up for the day, but it's a vicious cycle.

This weekend is going to be a busy one. Aidan and I are going to my BFF's kids birthday party (they were born 2 years and 2 days apart) right from there I have an hour to get to a baby shower that's about an hour away, hopefully traffic will be kind to me. Sunday I'm going over to my other friends house to hang out with her and her daughter, I can't wait for that, I haven't seen them in so long, she's about 16 weeks preggo too so I can't wait to see her adorable belly. Even though there's alot of fun stuff planned this weekend, it's going to go by sooo fast:(.

Well I guess I should get some work done, I wonder if they'd allow me to be responsible for so much money if they knew the haze I was in lol

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My weekend flew by way too fast. I knew it would though, it was a busy one. It was a good one though. I don't think I could have spent any more time with Aidan unless I'd co-slept (I wish) Saturday was the busiest day, We had a birthday party from 10-12 and then had to rush out for a baby shower that started at 1. Aidan had a blast at both, the birthday party was held at an indoor playground and thankfully he slept in the car between venues, the shower was your regular shower, but his cousin who is a month and a half younger was there, so they had a great time, playing with the balloon boquets and instilling the fear of the terrible two's into the mama to be lol.

Saturday night DH went to the IL's and go HAMMERED, I wish the man knew how to say when. He scared the [EMAIL=cr@p]cr@p[/EMAIL] out of me when he got home crashing around the kitchen and dropping dishes. it's so inconsiderate. I'm just glad Aidan slept through it. He says he's going to stop drinking for a while, but I've heard that song many a time. I won't believe it until I see it. Call me unsupportive but once burned twice shy right?

Sunday Aidan and I went to my friend's house (Jorgiegirl on PG.Org) and just hung out. It started out stressful as I locked my keys in the trunk and Jordan and V had fallen asleep nursing so I had to pretty much break into her house lol (the back door was unlocked) I felt like a creeper though lol. After everyone woke up and the heart attacks were out of the way we had a great afternoon, just relaxing while the kids had a blast playing. It's nice when the kids are the same age and they play well together so the mama's can talk and not get dragged around the house to play with them.

Today I'm leaving work early, Aidan has his 18 month check (a month late) I think he's doing well, I think he's about 24lbs now which is great for him since he's always been on the small side. He's healthy, happy and full of energy, now lets just hope the doc agrees. unfortunately though he gets his shots today:( I wish I could take them for him. Poor lil' dude always gets a fever after his shots:(.

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Why is it when you want a baby your whole life and thought process is consumed by this? You go to bed with babies on the brain, you wake up with babies on the brain, you look at your toddler and miss the days you used to hold them in the crook of your arm when they were no bigger than a doll, the sleeves of their newborn sleeper rolled up because it was too big for them, you touch their head and miss the downy soft hair they used to have.

It seems like every second of of the day that's all I think about. I miss nursing the most. Aidan weaned himself at 15 months. It was my fault because I had to go back to work and had to introduce the bottle, he could down that bottle in seconds flat so my girls were no match for that. I didn't even enjoy pregnancy, but yet, I miss it with all of my being, I miss the wiggles, the monthly, then weekly doctor's appointments where I got to hear my baby's heartbeat. I miss that bond that was just us, he was safe from everyone, he was only mine.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Aidan so much. I never thought it was possible to love this much, to the point where you wonder why your heart doesn't explode. he's my everything, an extension of me. When he's sad, my heart breaks, when he's laughing, it's like music to my ears, when he's sleeping, I just sit there and watch him and listen to the steady breathing, wondering what he's dreaming about. I look at him sometimes and I'm totally amazed by him, I made him, every little hair on his head, his perfect face, even those little capillaries under his skin, I stare at him in amazement that my body could produce such an amazing little life. He's 19 months old now, I wonder if I'll always be this infatuated by him. I hope so.

I just can't imagine not doing it again, over and over. It makes me sad to think I might not:(

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Last night was a good night. I went to my friend's house and we had a ladies night. DH stayed home with Aidan. It was wierd to be away from him though, I've only had an evening to myself about 3 or 4 times since going back to work, I don't like leaving him, but sometimes it's needed to keep your sanity I guess.

I don't know what time DH put Aidan to bed but he was up at 5am this morning. I tried to give him a bottle and put him back to bed, but he wasn't having any of that. So I brought him downstairs while I did my hair. you could see he was still tired but didn't want to go back to bed, when I had to leave for work I brought him to DH, he was mad and asked why I "let" him get up:mad::mad::mad: I'm not going to force my kid to lie down when he's freaking out. 5 am is early but it's only an hour earlier than he usually wakes up. I'm sorry if he was tired and just didn't want to deal with him. grrrrrr, so of course he told me to put him back to bed and I had to leave to the sound of Aidan screaming to get out of his crib:(. Needless to say that put me in a mood right from the start. TGIF tomorrow.

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I'm back, i've been really feeling sorry for myself the last few days so I didn't write. enough is enough though. I need to pull my head outta my @ss and get over myself. I keep it together pretty good for Aidan, we always have a great time together and he makes me forget about selfpity. He's my everything and I should be more appreciative.

It's December 1st, I can't believe it. We'll be celebrating Christmas in 25 days, Aidan second one, where in the heck has the time gone??? We put up our tree on Saturday and decoration by decoration it's coming back down...by Aidan's hands lol, Actually yesterday he wasn't too bad, just gave it a glance and that was it. He was funny while we were decorating though, he'd tell his sister where to put the decorations and if she didn't put it on the right branch he'd give her heck lol.

I borrowed a book from my friend it's called "Baby Catcher, Chronicles of a Modern Midwife" I'm just a little bit into it but it's amazing so far, it makes me wish I could afford to go back to school and catch babies, I would just love to have a small hand in bringing a baby into this world for other women. It's such an inspiring book, it makes me realize how things will be different when I have my next baby (and I will have another baby lol, you mark my words)

My friend just gave birth on Saturday, after 20 some odd hours of labour, she had a little boy, ok, not so little he was 9lbs 15ozs, what a trooper, he's the size of a 2 month old lol, but soo sooo cute. I just couldn't imagine, Aidan was an ouch at 7lbs 5oz and 8 hours of labour, I'm such a baby lol.

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:lurk:

You could always look into being a doula. I thought about midwifery for awhile too, but after I realized how much time would go into it, and then how much time would go into the career, plus the politics and yaddah yaddah, I realized I wasn't so much into all that. Doula-ing is a nice compromise. You still get to be a part of the experience (though you can't actually catch the babies) without nearly the expense and time.

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I was seriously considering that for a while Arty and once in a while look into it again, and probably will again today lol.

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Will add new entry at a later date

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It's been a while. DH has started an account on PG.Org and now lurks, I know this is a public site and I know he's aware that I'm on here, but I was hoping he'd leave it as my outlet and not try to find out what I'm saying about him. I guess not.

We're still discussing my need for another child, he's not willing to budge on his end and neither am I. I'm guessing there will be some big changes coming in the future, for now though I'm just leaving things as is, but I'm still afraid to get to close again so when things go it may not be as hard...I don't know if that's possible.

His concerns are money, age, ability. Money is everone's concern when raising a child, everyone is afraid they won't be able to financially support a child. I know we don't make a whole lot, but it's sufficient to live and afford a few other entertainments along the way, the kids are definitely not doing without much. There's always a way. Age is his big concern, though I've know couples to have babies well into their 40's, we're only 30 and 31 I still say we have a few good childbearing years ahead of us. Ability, DH's concern is with his health, he's a healthy person as far as ilness goes, but he's had knee surgery and is afraid he won't be able to keep up with kids, he's afraid he won't be able to play ball with Aidan when he's actually at the age to play, or get on the ground and wrestle. I don't remember doing that with my dad, and I'm sure he didn't do that with his own dad. Anyway i think at this time the point is moot, he's not going to change his mind. I try to tell myself to be happy with what I have, I try to convince myself that I don't want another baby, but it's impossible to supress it, I want it so bad it hurts, it really is the worst feeling, even worse than my PPD was.

I've been on the anti-depressants for a few weeks now and it's helping to the point that I'm not weepy anymore, I still think it takes a bit longer to see better effects, but as long as I'm not crying about every little thing, or even nothing at all, that's an improvement for me. I'm not expecting a miracle though, I know AD's don't make you happy with everything, they just helpt the chemical imbalances, not the mental ones that you know the reason for them.

There were a few more BFP's on my board, and I'm sooo happy for them, but it's hard to know that you're perfectly able to get pregnant, but can't *sigh*

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Not too much exciting news today. Last night DH said he felt like cooking dinner so I was happy to hear that, I can't stand cooking dinner. I can cook, but I'd rather not lol. After dinner we just kind of hung out and did our thing, then got Aidan ready for bed and did our nightly bedtime routine.

Aidan woke up at 5:20am so I asked him if he wanted a bottle and he said yes (he only gets a bottle now if he wakes up at that time, every other time he takes a sippy) I brought him downstairs to make his bottle and we bumped heads a little, he was just so sweet, still half asleep he says "aww mommy" and pats me on the head where we bumped. It was just so sweet the way he looked at me with such compassion in his eyes. It's amazing how many times a day I just fall head over heels in love with this kid all over again.

I've been dreaming alot about nursing again, I guess I miss it so much that it's in my head all the time, I even have dreams of let downs and I swear I'm letting down, I wake up dry so I know it's not happening, but it feels sooo real. I still have milk and it's been 4 months since Aidan last nursed. I think I'll be really sad when it stops, like the final goodbye to the baby stage. Need to hold on to that is just so strong it hurts. Ive been thinking more and more about when Aidan was new, and sooo tiny, just a little baby in my arms. I miss how when I picked him up he'd arch his back and stretch and his little bum would stick out, I miss the newborn sized diapers that he wore and the tiny sleepers that he swam in. ugh, when does this feeling EVER go away??

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It was a pretty quiet weekend which was nice. Friday night we just stayed in and DH and I went through the gifts to take inventory and to see who we still had to buy for. I'm exited to say we're almost done. The kids are most definitely getting spoiled this year (like that's different from any other year lol) I've had alot of fun buying for Aidan, he's still at the age where anything excites him and he's appreciative of whatever you give him, he thanks you when you give him a crayon lol.

Saturday we just hung out around the house, The kids did some Christmas crafts and then Saturday night we went out for SIL's birthday we just went to pub for a couple of drinks, I was driving so I just had a glass of wine. Aidan was asleep when we got back to the IL's which is wierd for him, he usually keeps going until we put him in his crib. That should have been my first tip off, he woke up Sunday morning with a fever, poor bubs, when he was on the Motrin he was ok, but as soon as it wore off he was just so cuddly and warm, I love the cuddles but I wish it didn't come with a fever:(. DH stayed home with him today, he said he seems alot better, his fever is low grade and other than the snot and drool he's his crazy ol' self. I wish I could have stayed home with him, but unfortunately the middle of the month is too busy to allow it here at work.

Wish me luck tonight, Aidan didn't sleep to well last night so I hope tonight is better:confused:

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Hiya :). First, I loved the cake. Second, I understand totally about the blended family issues. I know it's hard (I have to DSD's), but you can bond with her. And I understand about treating kids differently. My DH and I have to fight with it, and with each other at times. Our best solution was to sit down and make out rules with consequences jointly so we put on a united front. Last, I understand about the baby fever. Come over to my house in Oklahoma and spend time with my bunch. That will kill your baby fever. lol

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Thank you Rachael, it really isn't easy being a step mom is it?

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So last night I went to pick up the pictures of Aidan and I. I was soo happy with them. I'm framing one for my mom for Christmas to go with her calander we get her every year (one of those Country Cats ones) I'm glad we stuck it out and went for pics a second time, even though Aidan wasn't really wanting a pic done we ended up getting a couple cute ones. I'm giving my mom the one in my siggy pic

here's the other one

(I think Aidan looks a wee bit scared lol, but I love how he's cuddling into me)

Aidan seemed a bit better yesterday after staying home with DH, he was his crazy ol' self last night running crazy around the house. He just had a slight fever and a really runny nose and was also drooling alot, I'm still guessing teething could be a part of it, even though I don't see anything yet. Last night was horrible though, the poor kid cried and whined in his sleep all night. I got up a few times to rock him a bit and that seemed to calm him, but I could tell he was uncomfortable. I had even given him Motrin, which is a wonder drug to him. Fevers scare the poop out of me because before Aidan's first birthday he had Kawasaki Disease so now everytime he has a fever I panic and look for any kind of rash or redness:(.

I'm very excited for this weekend, my mom is coming down to visit, she lives 4 hours away and I miss her terribly. She and I are extremely close. I think with all my emotions and stuff I really need her here, not that we'll talk about it much, but just having her around makes it better, funny, 31 years old and I still want my mommy when I'm sad;). She's coming down for the family Christmas party, it'll be great for the kids because they'll get spoiled. One of my cousins is going to be there and majorly pregnant, I think she's due next month, so that's going to be hard to see, even though I'm extremely happy for her and know she'll make an amazing mommy, you just always wish it could be you, KWIM?

I just wolfed down a huge amount of chinese food while I wrote this post (it took me longer than it looks lol) so now I'm super full, super thirsty and have to sit at my desk for for another 3.5 hours:confused:. ugh

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What a busy morning, it seems every mortgage in the world is closing today. I guess the lawyers offices will be closed for the holiday's so they're pushing early closings. Anyway the big rush of the day is over so I can take a minute to breathe and update.

As usual the baby fever is running rampant in my veins, I guess PMS doesn't help. AF is due this weekend, lovely.

I think we're just about done our Christmas shopping, we have about 2 or 3 people left on the list, I'll be happy when all this spending is over with. My Visa is crying for me to stop, of course I'm a compulsive shopper and will probably find something I "need" very soon.

Aidan is feeling much better, he just has a bitl of a cough, nothing too bad. In fact he had an amazing night last night, didn't even make a peep until I had one foot out the door to go to work. I let DH get up and make his bottle so I wouldn't miss the train. It was also really cold and icey outside so I wanted to leave a bit early.

I have an interview tomorrow for a better position here, mortgage underwriter. I don't have to write the test since I've already done that, but the questions still make me nervous, at least I know the lady interviewing me. I actually hadn't applied for this position, she approached me and asked HR to push my name through the screening process. I really hope it's a good sign, I need to move up.

I'm counting down until my mom comes down, she'll be here Saturday afternoon and I just can't wait. I think 4 hours away is a bit too much, 2 hours I could handle, they're talking about moving closer and it would be about 2 hours, I really hope they do that soon, she misses Aidan terribly and I miss her terribly.

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Good luck on the interview!

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Well it's been a few days since I've updated. Not too much going on.

on the weekend my mom came down for the family Christmas party and our little Christmas with her. The party was fun and Aidan had a blast and got spoiled. I was a bit upset though, I was told it was only the aunts and the uncles buying the gifts for the little ones not the cousins, so I didn't bring anything, well all the cousins bought for Aidan and Alyssa so I felt like a total jack @ss. SD also pulled a suck when she thought she was only getting a few gifts, I was so upset. when someone brought her another gift she said "finally" I was livid. After that I was so scared taht Aidan would turn out to be spoiled by getting so much, I'm rethinking some of his Christmas gifts maybe put some aside for later or give some to charity. He really doesn't need all he got, too much ends up being overwhelming anyway.

I think we're all set now, the gifts are wrapped, all the shopping is done and all we have to do is put together Aidan's train table tonight. this evening we're going to the IL's to read "The Night Before Christmas" which is tradition in their family. I hope we don't get home too late, although if the kids stay up later it'll be nice if they sleep in a bit....yeah right, I'm sure SD will be up at the crack of dawn, we've told her not to wake us up until 7:30am, but we'll see if that works, she'll probably wake Aidan up because she knows if he's up I'm up lol.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe, healthy holiday.

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Christmas was great, the kids got spoiled of course. Aidan loved his train set and plays "choo choos" every day. He still likes me to play with him though so I guess finding something to keep him entertained without me was a flop lol, he pulls on my hand and says "mommy, plaaaaay" and of course he's just so stinkin' cute I give in lol.

This week is another short week here at work 2 1/2 days, I don't know how I'm going to deal with a full work week next week it's going to draaaag on forever, and more than that I'm going to miss Aidan like crazy. DH his home this week so it's nice for Aidan, but I'm sure he's missing his friends at daycare, he's such a social boy and needs to be entertained alot, sometimes I say he should have been a twin lol.

We don't have any plans for New Years other than to stay home and maybe have a couple people over, I don't want to go out and cart Aidan around until the wee hours of the morning, I don't want to mess his schedule up too much, Christmas was alot of late nights, and although he handled it well, his sleep patterns were off, and I know that can cause ilness if you're too run down, we've been lucky with him so far (other than the Kawasaki at a year) so I don't want to push it KWIM?

DH and I have been getting along better, but he's been really affectionate, wich is ok, but can be a little much. I don't mind snuggling, but not when I'm sleeping, and that's when he's been all over me, I need my space when I'm sleeping, I joke that we should get bunk beds lol. I still don't know what my decision is about us. I know I want another baby, I know he doesn't, neither one of us is willing to budge, so I just don't see how it can work in the end. I'll revisit the subject in April as per my original plan, that's when my BC runs out anyway, then I'll leave the BC up to him, I'm done with hormones and jeebus, I barely put out anyway lol.

I went out and bought a couple of books today, one is called "Unexpected" by Lori Foster (about a lady getting pregnant) and the other is called "The Birthdays" by Heidi Pitlor (about babies) lol I don't know why I torture myself like this, I'm just finishing up a book written by a midwife too, it's great but man almighty it really get's the baby fever going

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I really laughed at that bunk bed comment. My DH is 6'2" and I LOVE the nights he works...I get our bed all to myself! Smile

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"ShiningLight" wrote:

I really laughed at that bunk bed comment. My DH is 6'2" and I LOVE the nights he works...I get our bed all to myself! Smile

lol don't you just love it? I don't even spread out lol, but I do get a better nights sleep:p

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It's been a while so I thought I'd come update a bit.

It's been pretty busy at work so I haven't had much time to come and post a long post, I've only been able to update on my birth board.

Not much exciting going on, I'm still waiting on the results of my interview, but they did say it could be a while before a decision is made, I'm ok either way...for now lol.

Aidan is doing amazing, I can't get over how much I love that kid and how much stronger that feeling is with every passing second. I'm surprised the kid doesn't yell at me more for practically mauling him with hugs and kisses. It's just so hard to stop when he's doing the cutest things lol.

Baby fever is still running rampant in my body but I don't think DH is going to budge on that. However, I'm done with birth control. I have one month left of my Nuvaring and that's it, I'm going to stop, if DH wants to he can be in charge of BC. I have a feeling that that hormones are also a contributing factor to my depression, lack of sex drive etc... I know when I was off BC for those couple of years of TTCing and after Aidan was born it was much better, I liked knowing what my body was doing.

Anyway, I'll update when that conversation is brought up with DH, he'll probably say it doesn't matter becuse I never put out anyway lol *rolls eyes*

P.S. I'm still looking into the bunkbed Idea lol :razz: elbows to the temple are no fun at night

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Well I got some news yesterday. DH's Ex is pregnant, she posted it on facebook. It's depressed the he!! out of me. "mother of the year" is what DH and I always called her. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt because she was a young mom, I thought she'd have to grow into her roll. she always slept in, while her mother took care of SD or DH and I. Sometimes she's at our house for a a few consecutive days and she never calls her just to say hello. SD used to tell us she'd wake up in the morning and try to wake her up and mom would say "get lost"

So now me, the one who desperately wants a baby, gets to watch "mother of the year" be pregnant and glowing. Who am I to judge though, maybe things will be different, maybe I'm being a total biatch by being jealous. I wish I could change my feelings but I can't. Now I'm even more upset with DH because of the fact he doesn't want more kids. This is going to be an extremely long 9 months, and the newborn days will kill me, I guess I won't see her much though which is good, when she's not feeling well (which is all the time) her mom does all the running around to pick up SD and take her to her classes.

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Someone on my birthboard posted this poem this morning and I thought I'd share. In my house this totally rings true. I remember growing up my mom was a neat freak and still is, Friends were afraid to come over and couldn't be comfortable because they didn't want to make a mess. now I love the woman dearly but I always vowed not to be the same way lol. I'm no pig but the house definitely looks lived in lol.

Excuse This House


Some houses try to hide the fact

That children shelter there,
Ours boasts it quite openly,
The signs are everywhere.

For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges are on the doors
I should apologize, I guess
For toys strew on the floor.

But I sat down with my child
And we played and laughed and read
And if the doorbell doesn’t shine,
His eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I’m forced to choose
The one job or the other,
I’d like to cook and clean and scrub,
But first I’ll be a mother.


-Author unknown

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Ok so I'm trying to get the thought of the Ex having a little life growing inside of her out of my head. Why should I be upset? I should be happy for her, I know what it's like to desperately want a baby, I would never want another woman to have to feel that need and not be able to have a baby (sadly it happens all the time though) I'm being totally selfish and childish being as jealous as I am. I just want it so so bad that it hurts to the core, my heart is breaking just thinking that it may never happen for me again.

I congratulated her on her facebook but I just can't feel it in my heart yet. I feel like a terrible person for this.

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It's been a very long time since I've been here, I guess an update is in order.

Aidan is just amazing me with his development, speech, motor skills, everything. he went from barely able to understand to a chatter box almost overnight, he's using full sentences and completing 15 piece and 24 piece jigsaw puzzles by himself. I'm so proud of everything he does. He certainly does have a mind of his own and makes himself heard if he's not pleased about something. Time out has become a daily occurance in our house, I hate getting angry with him, but it's all a part of being a mommy and having a toddler. I truly enjoy everything about him and cherish every second.

Dh is still a definite no go in the TTC section, and as Aidan's second birthday nears it's upsetting me even more. I've already told him I'm going off BC soon and I'll be leaving it up to him. Why should I have to endure the hormones when I'm not even the one who wants to prevent?

A whole wack of friends are pregnant now, all due around the same time. Although, I'm honestly very happy for them, I wish I could be a part of it to. I want to have my own belly (and not one filled with Valentines chocolate lol) and feel my own baby move. I want to nurse again like you wouldn't believe, it's probably the one thing I miss the MOST about a newborn. Needless to say my baby fever is in complete overdrive, and I can barely concentrate on anything else, for long anyway. Unfortunately Bill will never understand that feeling, I don't think any man can truly appreciate how a woman feels when she has that fever.

Now time for some good news. I got that promotion I'd been trying so hard for, after about 4 interviews, they finally welcomed me with open arms, and at a level higher than I was expecting. My official start date is the 22nd, but I have a feeling with the volumes we're having here in the funding department and lack of funders, I'll be held back a little longer to help out and train new funders. I'm quite nervous about this new position though, it's alot more stressful, and long hours when you're starting out. It's alot of responsibilty too. I'll be underwriting residential mortgages, so I'll be approving (or not) mortgages. so wish me luck.

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Yesterday was my birthday, I've never been a big fan, but I do have Facebook and so many posted wonderful wishes on my wall. So many people said they hoped I got everything I wanted for my birthday. I have a healthy happy almost 2 year old, and that's at the top of my list, that's what I want, but I always have the painful feeling of wishing I was pregnant, I know, I know, it's the same ol' thing here in this journal, I'm sure you all are sick of reading it. I just never knew that baby fever could be that bad, that painful.

My depression doesn't seem to be going anywhere, the meds help the weepiness but I guess since it's a situational thing meds won't do anything for it *sigh* I just really have to sit down and think about what I'm going to do.

I have one more month of BC in the medicine cabinet, after that's done I'm not going back on it, One, because I don't think hormones help my mood any, two, why should I have to be on BC when I'm the one who want's a baby. after this last month, DH will be responsible for it, if he doesn't want a PG than he'll have to worry about it.

Anyway, that's my downer post again. Sorry, someday I'll have happy upbeat posts. I WILL have a BFP post someday, and I can't wait to share it, it's just the road to getting there could be very painful :confused:.

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Happy Birthday! We almost share a b-day- mine was the 28th.
Don't feel bad about posting "downer posts"...that is what this journal is for. I think it's a good thing to have this outlet-- pouring out your feelings when you're feeling sad, or down, or depressed. We are here for you. :bighug:

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Happy birthday to you to, I'm sure your son smothered you with smooches. Mine wiped snot on my shoulder, but I knew he did it out of love :razz:

(((hugs))) to you to mama