I had a journal near the end of my pregnancy with Aidan and held on to it for a few months during my battle with PPD. It really helped to get things out and not just bottled up, so I guess that's why I'm doing it again. So don't expect a happy go lucky journal, although I'm sure I'll be gushing alot about my awesome 18month old:). I don't tend to keep up my journals when I'm happy lol, so lets hope this one doesn't last long:p
So I guess the best place to start is the beginning, go figure.
I'm Allie, 30 years old and one proud mama to my DS Aidan, born April 15, 2008, I live common law with Aidan's father whom I've been with for about 6 years (or so) .
My whole life I've only ever wanted one baby. When I got pregnant I was scared and then happy, I guess that's the general feeling of all first time moms. I did not enjoy my pregnancy at all, I had a really good pregnancy though, as far as no morning sickness, I only gained 18 lbs, and I had a pretty easy labour (8hours) but my emotions were a mess. I have a history of depression and I guess the hormones brought it back full throttle. After my son was about 3 months old, I decided there was no way I couldn't do this again. I wanted another baby.......not yet of course lol. I don't know if DH is just gun shy from my horrid mood through the pregnancy and after but he's saying no more. it's breaking my heart. I don't know if anyone reading this has had baby fever (chances are yes) but it's almost painful. All I think about every day is holding a newborn, nursing again, wearing my baby etc...
I'm on BC right now. I know I won't be ready until Aidan is about 2 to TTC, I've told DH that he has until then to make up his mind for sure. If he still says no, I can't see how it'll work. He doesn't want to get married either, that's another thing. Is it selfish of me to want to be a wife to someone AND a mother of more than one? it's almost like I get to have one or the other with him (and right now neither). With my feelings the way they are right now, I don't want either (with him) I sometimes wish I could start over, just Aidan and I and find someone who would be happy to call me his wife and the mother of his children.... As my mother has said before, i've made my bed, now I have to lie in it...I guess.
I feel bad because lately I've been keeping DH at an arms length, almost like I'm trying to keep my distance in case things don't work out, like it would be easier emotionally.
Please feel free to comment in this journal (if that's even allowed lol) especially if you've gone through a similar experience or have some words of wisdom...and if it's only me and my thoughts here that's ok too, it was afterall, the point of this journal;)