I had a journal near the end of my pregnancy with Aidan and held on to it for a few months during my battle with PPD. It really helped to get things out and not just bottled up, so I guess that's why I'm doing it again. So don't expect a happy go lucky journal, although I'm sure I'll be gushing alot about my awesome 18month old. I don't tend to keep up my journals when I'm happy lol, so lets hope this one doesn't last long
So I guess the best place to start is the beginning, go figure.
I'm Allie, 30 years old and one proud mama to my DS Aidan, born April 15, 2008, I live common law with Aidan's father whom I've been with for about 6 years (or so) .
My whole life I've only ever wanted one baby. When I got pregnant I was scared and then happy, I guess that's the general feeling of all first time moms. I did not enjoy my pregnancy at all, I had a really good pregnancy though, as far as no morning sickness, I only gained 18 lbs, and I had a pretty easy labour (8hours) but my emotions were a mess. I have a history of depression and I guess the hormones brought it back full throttle. After my son was about 3 months old, I decided there was no way I couldn't do this again. I wanted another baby.......not yet of course lol. I don't know if DH is just gun shy from my horrid mood through the pregnancy and after but he's saying no more. it's breaking my heart. I don't know if anyone reading this has had baby fever (chances are yes) but it's almost painful. All I think about every day is holding a newborn, nursing again, wearing my baby etc...
I'm on BC right now. I know I won't be ready until Aidan is about 2 to TTC, I've told DH that he has until then to make up his mind for sure. If he still says no, I can't see how it'll work. He doesn't want to get married either, that's another thing. Is it selfish of me to want to be a wife to someone AND a mother of more than one? it's almost like I get to have one or the other with him (and right now neither). With my feelings the way they are right now, I don't want either (with him) I sometimes wish I could start over, just Aidan and I and find someone who would be happy to call me his wife and the mother of his children.... As my mother has said before, i've made my bed, now I have to lie in it...I guess.
I feel bad because lately I've been keeping DH at an arms length, almost like I'm trying to keep my distance in case things don't work out, like it would be easier emotionally.
Please feel free to comment in this journal (if that's even allowed lol) especially if you've gone through a similar experience or have some words of wisdom...and if it's only me and my thoughts here that's ok too, it was afterall, the point of this journal
Last edited by Allie01979; 11-10-2009 at 09:52 AM.
last night I got my hair cut, I was in desperate need. I got into the rut of the perma-ponytail. The cut is great, I'm really happy with it, but I went and coloured it too and it came out too dark, I know it will fade in a few washes, but still, it seems so severe right now.
I wanted to sit up in bed after my hair was done and read, I started the Twilight saga, I have to say I'm not a huge fan so far. I just don't like her style of writing, but I have to muscle through it because I promised my SIL I'd go see the next movie with her. DH had other ideas last night, he wanted to DTD, I felt bad because I never "put out" lol so I did, but I just can't get in the mood anymore. Maybe it's the whole wanting a baby, he doesn't so what's the point, kind of mentality. I know, it's stupid. I've got to stop being such an old lady, I go to bed at 8pm, read my book and then fall asleep, it's like Dh and I are merely roommates who share a bed.
I have a baby shower to go to in 2 weeks, those are the worst, seeing the happy preggo mama and more than likely one or two more. It's very cold of me. I really am happy for her, it's just hard when you know it's such a battle at home to have something so natural.
On a different note, I'm a cake decorator by trade, so this weekend I have a ladybug birthday cake to make, I'm pretty excited to see how it turns out, I'll post pics.
well the cake turned out great, I'm so excited for the mama to see it. my hands are red and pink though from dying the fondant.
Last night SD stayed over, we'll have her for the whole weekend. I feel like a terrible person for not looking forward to it, afterall, she's 6. SD and I don't really get along, she is her mother through and through. Her mom isn't a bad person at all, a little flighty but managable as an ex. SD is a 16 yo in a 6 yo's body, she has attitude plus flowing out of her at any given moment. She does things to get on your nerves purposely and does it to Aidan all the time, he loves her though, and I wouldn't want to change that ever. DH also favours her, it's obvious, even though he'd beg to differ. Things that she got away with as a toddler, Aidan get's yelled at, or put in time out. I never remember DH raising his voice to SD when she was little, even still when she's being rude to someone by ignoring them etc he doesn't get overly angry. I think it bothers me more because I feel like I have to stick up for Aidan. Don't get me wrong, I am very strict, especially with Aidan because I want to raise him right, but I also soften up faster and give hugs after the punishment is done. I hate when DH screams at him, he's never done that before and it bothers me big time. he'd never hit him, if he tried he'd be on a gurny to the ER, but I'm not worried about that.
Ok i'm rambling, lots of run on sentences there..sorry. I feel like a child sometimes when she's there. rolling my eyes when no one can see because of the things she says, getting frustrated easily because of the things she does. ugh, I need to grow up.
Wow, I'm not a happy person. I don't like the person I am right now
It's Saturday, and what a night. Aidan is getting sick, he's got snot everywhere, and a bad cough, I don't think it's the flu, I'm guessing a cold. He was up every hour last night, I felt like I had a newborn again, although a heavy one who wanted to pretend he was a monkey at 2am. He seems ok now, still snotty, but not as congested as last night, I'll keep pumping him full of Vit D and C and flush it out of his system.
I told DH I was tired this morning, he asked why? I don't get how men can sleep through anything let alone their child crying, I guess they don't feel they HAVE to wake up because mommy's always got it under control.
Tonight is SIL's b-day night out, we're going to the bar to watch the hockey game (Go Leafs Go) MIL will be watching Aidan. If he seems worse later though I'll stay home with him. I'm not a huge fan of that SIL anyway lol. I hope DH doesn't overdo it on the drinking, he tends to "pre-drink" because he can't afford to drink at the bar, but ends up drinking just as much anyway because he'll throw it on credit, usually I end up leaving him at the bar becuase he gets obnoxious and I get embarrassed....wish me luck. If it's bad you'll be hearing from me again tonight.
My baby is sick, he's got a cold and a pretty good cough, I'll tell you though, if you go out in public with a kid who's coughing, everyone looks at you like you have leporacy. this H1N1 paranoia is getting out of hand now, and I'm tired of it.
Yesterday was such a beautiful day, I bundled Aidan up and brought him outside for some fresh air...well he pretty much demanded it lol. He played in the leaves while we bagged them after that we had lunch and both of us went down for a nap, it was much needed after the night before. As I had said, we went out for SIL's birthday and I had a glass of wine and that's it so I was fine, between Aidan's coughing all night and DH's drunken snoring I didn't get ANY sleep. I'm surprised he wasn't black and blue from all the elbows I threw his way. I was sooooo not impressed. SD went home yesterday afternoon after us having her since Thursday, It's horrible to say but I was glad to see her go She was testing me all weekend, and when I tell her no or to stop, she looks at me with this glare and it gets my back up. She was doing everything in her power all weekend to bug Aidan and myself, I had had it by Sunday. She doesn't come over again until Tuesday. i wonder if DH notices my mood shift when she's not there. I feel so guilty and terrible about it, who dislikes an innocent 6 year old???
Oh and on a brighter note, my cake was a total success, I was so happy with it and it was received with enthusiasm which made my day
I did my budget yesterday, ugh I'm broke, my Visa is up to $5000, being on mat leave for a year was wonderful, but it sure put a major dent in my finances. I'm slowly paying it down, but being so close to Christmas I'm sure I'll be putting even more on it. I hope I get a decen bonus this year
Today is rediculously slow at work, I have absolutely nothing to do, it makes the day drag. This morning DH said Aidan was asking for me, saying "Mommy, home?" he said no and then he said he got the puppy dog eyes so they called me at work I really miss him during the day. They're only this little for such a short time. I'm thankful for living in Canada and getting a whole year off, but I guess like anything else, it's never enough is it?
Tomorrow Aidan and I are heading out to Ottawa to visit my mom, it's a 4 hour drive and I'm not sure how Aidan will handle it since he hates the car seat (always has) but it'll be nice to get away for a while. I think I'll ask my SIL if I can borrow her portable DVD player for Aidan and just keep pumping Elmo on it lol.
I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year. it's nice to be able to look forward to something. Aidan's getting spoiled of course and I can't wait to see his face when he opens his gifts. Santa is getting him a Train set (he loves choo choo's) and I bought him a stuffed Elmo (among many other things, hmm, that could also explain my Visa) Elmo is is absolute favorite right now, at any random time he'll just start saying "Elmo, Elmo Elmo" I never liked Christmas before, it's such an emotional holidy for some reason and I don't deal well with it, but Aidan is making it great. I'm such a lucky mama.
Aidan seems to be feeling better, he's still coughing at night and still has some great green snot lol, but he's coughing less during the day and his voice doesn't seem so froggy. I'm glad, I'm going to keep pumping the Vit C and D and hope it goes away fast. I've been taking it myself and my cold hasn't progressed to anything worse than a slight hack and a few sneezes here and there. DH won't take anything and he's "dying" men are such babies.
ok I guess I should go pretend to be productive aka, online shop for Christmas gifts..it's actually saving me money this year because I can look for the deals, I've got some great gifts for some great prices that and I don't get tempted to window shop and spend more
Well our little trip to Ottawa was great, Aidan was awesome in the car and even more awesome at Grandmaman's house. The poor cats will forever be afraid though lol.
On the drive up I got alot of thinking time in. I still think back to Aidan's first 12 months and DH didn't get along at all. There were alot of unsaid but not denied accusations made to me. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed and DH was adamant that he had formula, I was made to feel that I was starving him because he was small. We went to many doctors because of this. There is nothing worse than being made to feel that you're not caring for your child to the best of your ability. It's something that will stay with me for who knows how long? I was also made to feel lazy while I was off. Aidan was awake to nurse every hour at night, so I was a zombie during the day. if the house was a mess or dinner wasn't cooked, I was made to feel like an aweful person. That kind of thing takes it's toll on a person after a while, and a year of it has stuck with me. I don't know if I'll ever feel the same about DH again. OMG I used to be so head over heels in love with him, now just the littlest things make me cringe. I know I definitely don't DTD enough, but I just don't want to, I have no desire at all, and it's not like I would with someone else, I just have NO drive. sorry for TMI, but that's just me lol.
I'm starting to wonder if getting off my antidepressants was a bad idea. I had horrible PPD after Aidan was born and then was on meds until he was about 15 months old, I weaned myself off, and have noticed a downward spiral since then. I don't want to be on drugs though, for selfish reasons as well as legit ones. DH doesn't believe in depression which doesn't help matters, his mentality is that if you just think happy thoughts you'll be happy, well sh!t, why didn't I think of that
I hated leaving for work today. I've been with Aidan since Wednesday, I had a few days off, I cried myself to sleep last night with the anticipation of leaving him. We are just too attached, I know it's good for him, but it's not for me. Sometimes I think i would be happier if it were just Aidan and I, it's not healthy I know, and I know how hard it must be for a single mom, I would hate to do that to Aidan as well, he loves his dad.
ok I need to get to work, keep busy and hope the day flies
Well I did it, I went back on my anti-depressants, DH won't be too happy about it, but you know what? I don't care, I can't keep feeling like this all the time, the day I decided to do it I was just in a haze of tears and self pity, It's not fair to me, it's not fair to Aidan, he needs his mommy, all of her. Although, right now, I don't feel all there. The first few weeks on this stuff is a haze, I don't remember much because the first time I went on the, I was only 6 weeks post partum so I thought the haze was from, no sleep and PPD, I guess it was the meds afterall.
last night DH was rubbing my leg, it was extremely ticklish so I pulled my leg back, I guess he took that as a rejection and got all sulky. I guess I should feel bad, but right now I want to concentrate on me, getting me back to where I was. I'm really hoping this is the answer, I'm sick of feeling the way I am, once upon a time I was a happy go lucky girl.