day 3 on my ADs, I can't wait until the breaking in period is over, I'm in such a haze right now, but I know it will get better and then I will finally have a bit of normalcy in my life again...I hope. I am exhausted by evening and barely able to stay awake long enough to put Aidan to bed, I end up falling asleep rocking him (yes I still rock Aidan and I love it lol), I give DH the excuse that I'm going up to read in bed so I don't get laughed at for wanting to go to bed so early, but within 2 pages I'm out like a light, the only problem is I'm awake by 3:30 or so and fighting to go back to sleep. I should just do like DH and get up for the day, but it's a vicious cycle.
This weekend is going to be a busy one. Aidan and I are going to my BFF's kids birthday party (they were born 2 years and 2 days apart) right from there I have an hour to get to a baby shower that's about an hour away, hopefully traffic will be kind to me. Sunday I'm going over to my other friends house to hang out with her and her daughter, I can't wait for that, I haven't seen them in so long, she's about 16 weeks preggo too so I can't wait to see her adorable belly. Even though there's alot of fun stuff planned this weekend, it's going to go by sooo fast.
Well I guess I should get some work done, I wonder if they'd allow me to be responsible for so much money if they knew the haze I was in lol
My weekend flew by way too fast. I knew it would though, it was a busy one. It was a good one though. I don't think I could have spent any more time with Aidan unless I'd co-slept (I wish) Saturday was the busiest day, We had a birthday party from 10-12 and then had to rush out for a baby shower that started at 1. Aidan had a blast at both, the birthday party was held at an indoor playground and thankfully he slept in the car between venues, the shower was your regular shower, but his cousin who is a month and a half younger was there, so they had a great time, playing with the balloon boquets and instilling the fear of the terrible two's into the mama to be lol.
Saturday night DH went to the IL's and go HAMMERED, I wish the man knew how to say when. He scared the cr@p out of me when he got home crashing around the kitchen and dropping dishes. it's so inconsiderate. I'm just glad Aidan slept through it. He says he's going to stop drinking for a while, but I've heard that song many a time. I won't believe it until I see it. Call me unsupportive but once burned twice shy right?
Sunday Aidan and I went to my friend's house (Jorgiegirl on PG.Org) and just hung out. It started out stressful as I locked my keys in the trunk and Jordan and V had fallen asleep nursing so I had to pretty much break into her house lol (the back door was unlocked) I felt like a creeper though lol. After everyone woke up and the heart attacks were out of the way we had a great afternoon, just relaxing while the kids had a blast playing. It's nice when the kids are the same age and they play well together so the mama's can talk and not get dragged around the house to play with them.
Today I'm leaving work early, Aidan has his 18 month check (a month late) I think he's doing well, I think he's about 24lbs now which is great for him since he's always been on the small side. He's healthy, happy and full of energy, now lets just hope the doc agrees. unfortunately though he gets his shots today I wish I could take them for him. Poor lil' dude always gets a fever after his shots.
Why is it when you want a baby your whole life and thought process is consumed by this? You go to bed with babies on the brain, you wake up with babies on the brain, you look at your toddler and miss the days you used to hold them in the crook of your arm when they were no bigger than a doll, the sleeves of their newborn sleeper rolled up because it was too big for them, you touch their head and miss the downy soft hair they used to have.
It seems like every second of of the day that's all I think about. I miss nursing the most. Aidan weaned himself at 15 months. It was my fault because I had to go back to work and had to introduce the bottle, he could down that bottle in seconds flat so my girls were no match for that. I didn't even enjoy pregnancy, but yet, I miss it with all of my being, I miss the wiggles, the monthly, then weekly doctor's appointments where I got to hear my baby's heartbeat. I miss that bond that was just us, he was safe from everyone, he was only mine.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Aidan so much. I never thought it was possible to love this much, to the point where you wonder why your heart doesn't explode. he's my everything, an extension of me. When he's sad, my heart breaks, when he's laughing, it's like music to my ears, when he's sleeping, I just sit there and watch him and listen to the steady breathing, wondering what he's dreaming about. I look at him sometimes and I'm totally amazed by him, I made him, every little hair on his head, his perfect face, even those little capillaries under his skin, I stare at him in amazement that my body could produce such an amazing little life. He's 19 months old now, I wonder if I'll always be this infatuated by him. I hope so.
I just can't imagine not doing it again, over and over. It makes me sad to think I might not
Last night was a good night. I went to my friend's house and we had a ladies night. DH stayed home with Aidan. It was wierd to be away from him though, I've only had an evening to myself about 3 or 4 times since going back to work, I don't like leaving him, but sometimes it's needed to keep your sanity I guess.
I don't know what time DH put Aidan to bed but he was up at 5am this morning. I tried to give him a bottle and put him back to bed, but he wasn't having any of that. So I brought him downstairs while I did my hair. you could see he was still tired but didn't want to go back to bed, when I had to leave for work I brought him to DH, he was mad and asked why I "let" him get up I'm not going to force my kid to lie down when he's freaking out. 5 am is early but it's only an hour earlier than he usually wakes up. I'm sorry if he was tired and just didn't want to deal with him. grrrrrr, so of course he told me to put him back to bed and I had to leave to the sound of Aidan screaming to get out of his crib. Needless to say that put me in a mood right from the start. TGIF tomorrow.
I'm back, i've been really feeling sorry for myself the last few days so I didn't write. enough is enough though. I need to pull my head outta my @ss and get over myself. I keep it together pretty good for Aidan, we always have a great time together and he makes me forget about selfpity. He's my everything and I should be more appreciative.
It's December 1st, I can't believe it. We'll be celebrating Christmas in 25 days, Aidan second one, where in the heck has the time gone??? We put up our tree on Saturday and decoration by decoration it's coming back down...by Aidan's hands lol, Actually yesterday he wasn't too bad, just gave it a glance and that was it. He was funny while we were decorating though, he'd tell his sister where to put the decorations and if she didn't put it on the right branch he'd give her heck lol.
I borrowed a book from my friend it's called "Baby Catcher, Chronicles of a Modern Midwife" I'm just a little bit into it but it's amazing so far, it makes me wish I could afford to go back to school and catch babies, I would just love to have a small hand in bringing a baby into this world for other women. It's such an inspiring book, it makes me realize how things will be different when I have my next baby (and I will have another baby lol, you mark my words)
My friend just gave birth on Saturday, after 20 some odd hours of labour, she had a little boy, ok, not so little he was 9lbs 15ozs, what a trooper, he's the size of a 2 month old lol, but soo sooo cute. I just couldn't imagine, Aidan was an ouch at 7lbs 5oz and 8 hours of labour, I'm such a baby lol.
You could always look into being a doula. I thought about midwifery for awhile too, but after I realized how much time would go into it, and then how much time would go into the career, plus the politics and yaddah yaddah, I realized I wasn't so much into all that. Doula-ing is a nice compromise. You still get to be a part of the experience (though you can't actually catch the babies) without nearly the expense and time.
It's been a while. DH has started an account on PG.Org and now lurks, I know this is a public site and I know he's aware that I'm on here, but I was hoping he'd leave it as my outlet and not try to find out what I'm saying about him. I guess not.
We're still discussing my need for another child, he's not willing to budge on his end and neither am I. I'm guessing there will be some big changes coming in the future, for now though I'm just leaving things as is, but I'm still afraid to get to close again so when things go it may not be as hard...I don't know if that's possible.
His concerns are money, age, ability. Money is everone's concern when raising a child, everyone is afraid they won't be able to financially support a child. I know we don't make a whole lot, but it's sufficient to live and afford a few other entertainments along the way, the kids are definitely not doing without much. There's always a way. Age is his big concern, though I've know couples to have babies well into their 40's, we're only 30 and 31 I still say we have a few good childbearing years ahead of us. Ability, DH's concern is with his health, he's a healthy person as far as ilness goes, but he's had knee surgery and is afraid he won't be able to keep up with kids, he's afraid he won't be able to play ball with Aidan when he's actually at the age to play, or get on the ground and wrestle. I don't remember doing that with my dad, and I'm sure he didn't do that with his own dad. Anyway i think at this time the point is moot, he's not going to change his mind. I try to tell myself to be happy with what I have, I try to convince myself that I don't want another baby, but it's impossible to supress it, I want it so bad it hurts, it really is the worst feeling, even worse than my PPD was.
I've been on the anti-depressants for a few weeks now and it's helping to the point that I'm not weepy anymore, I still think it takes a bit longer to see better effects, but as long as I'm not crying about every little thing, or even nothing at all, that's an improvement for me. I'm not expecting a miracle though, I know AD's don't make you happy with everything, they just helpt the chemical imbalances, not the mental ones that you know the reason for them.
There were a few more BFP's on my board, and I'm sooo happy for them, but it's hard to know that you're perfectly able to get pregnant, but can't *sigh*
Not too much exciting news today. Last night DH said he felt like cooking dinner so I was happy to hear that, I can't stand cooking dinner. I can cook, but I'd rather not lol. After dinner we just kind of hung out and did our thing, then got Aidan ready for bed and did our nightly bedtime routine.
Aidan woke up at 5:20am so I asked him if he wanted a bottle and he said yes (he only gets a bottle now if he wakes up at that time, every other time he takes a sippy) I brought him downstairs to make his bottle and we bumped heads a little, he was just so sweet, still half asleep he says "aww mommy" and pats me on the head where we bumped. It was just so sweet the way he looked at me with such compassion in his eyes. It's amazing how many times a day I just fall head over heels in love with this kid all over again.
I've been dreaming alot about nursing again, I guess I miss it so much that it's in my head all the time, I even have dreams of let downs and I swear I'm letting down, I wake up dry so I know it's not happening, but it feels sooo real. I still have milk and it's been 4 months since Aidan last nursed. I think I'll be really sad when it stops, like the final goodbye to the baby stage. Need to hold on to that is just so strong it hurts. Ive been thinking more and more about when Aidan was new, and sooo tiny, just a little baby in my arms. I miss how when I picked him up he'd arch his back and stretch and his little bum would stick out, I miss the newborn sized diapers that he wore and the tiny sleepers that he swam in. ugh, when does this feeling EVER go away??