It's been a while so I thought I'd come update a bit.
It's been pretty busy at work so I haven't had much time to come and post a long post, I've only been able to update on my birth board.
Not much exciting going on, I'm still waiting on the results of my interview, but they did say it could be a while before a decision is made, I'm ok either way...for now lol.
Aidan is doing amazing, I can't get over how much I love that kid and how much stronger that feeling is with every passing second. I'm surprised the kid doesn't yell at me more for practically mauling him with hugs and kisses. It's just so hard to stop when he's doing the cutest things lol.
Baby fever is still running rampant in my body but I don't think DH is going to budge on that. However, I'm done with birth control. I have one month left of my Nuvaring and that's it, I'm going to stop, if DH wants to he can be in charge of BC. I have a feeling that that hormones are also a contributing factor to my depression, lack of sex drive etc... I know when I was off BC for those couple of years of TTCing and after Aidan was born it was much better, I liked knowing what my body was doing.
Anyway, I'll update when that conversation is brought up with DH, he'll probably say it doesn't matter becuse I never put out anyway lol *rolls eyes*
P.S. I'm still looking into the bunkbed Idea lol elbows to the temple are no fun at night
Well I got some news yesterday. DH's Ex is pregnant, she posted it on facebook. It's depressed the he!! out of me. "mother of the year" is what DH and I always called her. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt because she was a young mom, I thought she'd have to grow into her roll. she always slept in, while her mother took care of SD or DH and I. Sometimes she's at our house for a a few consecutive days and she never calls her just to say hello. SD used to tell us she'd wake up in the morning and try to wake her up and mom would say "get lost"
So now me, the one who desperately wants a baby, gets to watch "mother of the year" be pregnant and glowing. Who am I to judge though, maybe things will be different, maybe I'm being a total biatch by being jealous. I wish I could change my feelings but I can't. Now I'm even more upset with DH because of the fact he doesn't want more kids. This is going to be an extremely long 9 months, and the newborn days will kill me, I guess I won't see her much though which is good, when she's not feeling well (which is all the time) her mom does all the running around to pick up SD and take her to her classes.
Someone on my birthboard posted this poem this morning and I thought I'd share. In my house this totally rings true. I remember growing up my mom was a neat freak and still is, Friends were afraid to come over and couldn't be comfortable because they didn't want to make a mess. now I love the woman dearly but I always vowed not to be the same way lol. I'm no pig but the house definitely looks lived in lol.
Excuse This House
Some houses try to hide the fact
That children shelter there,
Ours boasts it quite openly,
The signs are everywhere.
For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges are on the doors
I should apologize, I guess
For toys strew on the floor.
But I sat down with my child
And we played and laughed and read
And if the doorbell doesn’t shine,
His eyes will shine instead.
For when at times I’m forced to choose
The one job or the other,
I’d like to cook and clean and scrub,
But first I’ll be a mother.
Ok so I'm trying to get the thought of the Ex having a little life growing inside of her out of my head. Why should I be upset? I should be happy for her, I know what it's like to desperately want a baby, I would never want another woman to have to feel that need and not be able to have a baby (sadly it happens all the time though) I'm being totally selfish and childish being as jealous as I am. I just want it so so bad that it hurts to the core, my heart is breaking just thinking that it may never happen for me again.
I congratulated her on her facebook but I just can't feel it in my heart yet. I feel like a terrible person for this.
It's been a very long time since I've been here, I guess an update is in order.
Aidan is just amazing me with his development, speech, motor skills, everything. he went from barely able to understand to a chatter box almost overnight, he's using full sentences and completing 15 piece and 24 piece jigsaw puzzles by himself. I'm so proud of everything he does. He certainly does have a mind of his own and makes himself heard if he's not pleased about something. Time out has become a daily occurance in our house, I hate getting angry with him, but it's all a part of being a mommy and having a toddler. I truly enjoy everything about him and cherish every second.
Dh is still a definite no go in the TTC section, and as Aidan's second birthday nears it's upsetting me even more. I've already told him I'm going off BC soon and I'll be leaving it up to him. Why should I have to endure the hormones when I'm not even the one who wants to prevent?
A whole wack of friends are pregnant now, all due around the same time. Although, I'm honestly very happy for them, I wish I could be a part of it to. I want to have my own belly (and not one filled with Valentines chocolate lol) and feel my own baby move. I want to nurse again like you wouldn't believe, it's probably the one thing I miss the MOST about a newborn. Needless to say my baby fever is in complete overdrive, and I can barely concentrate on anything else, for long anyway. Unfortunately Bill will never understand that feeling, I don't think any man can truly appreciate how a woman feels when she has that fever.
Now time for some good news. I got that promotion I'd been trying so hard for, after about 4 interviews, they finally welcomed me with open arms, and at a level higher than I was expecting. My official start date is the 22nd, but I have a feeling with the volumes we're having here in the funding department and lack of funders, I'll be held back a little longer to help out and train new funders. I'm quite nervous about this new position though, it's alot more stressful, and long hours when you're starting out. It's alot of responsibilty too. I'll be underwriting residential mortgages, so I'll be approving (or not) mortgages. so wish me luck.
Yesterday was my birthday, I've never been a big fan, but I do have Facebook and so many posted wonderful wishes on my wall. So many people said they hoped I got everything I wanted for my birthday. I have a healthy happy almost 2 year old, and that's at the top of my list, that's what I want, but I always have the painful feeling of wishing I was pregnant, I know, I know, it's the same ol' thing here in this journal, I'm sure you all are sick of reading it. I just never knew that baby fever could be that bad, that painful.
My depression doesn't seem to be going anywhere, the meds help the weepiness but I guess since it's a situational thing meds won't do anything for it *sigh* I just really have to sit down and think about what I'm going to do.
I have one more month of BC in the medicine cabinet, after that's done I'm not going back on it, One, because I don't think hormones help my mood any, two, why should I have to be on BC when I'm the one who want's a baby. after this last month, DH will be responsible for it, if he doesn't want a PG than he'll have to worry about it.
Anyway, that's my downer post again. Sorry, someday I'll have happy upbeat posts. I WILL have a BFP post someday, and I can't wait to share it, it's just the road to getting there could be very painful .
Happy Birthday! We almost share a b-day- mine was the 28th.
Don't feel bad about posting "downer posts"...that is what this journal is for. I think it's a good thing to have this outlet-- pouring out your feelings when you're feeling sad, or down, or depressed. We are here for you.
DS Austin ~ May '07
DS Jake ~ January '10, a moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts...
DD Allyson ~ December 1, 2011
My pg.org journal