Ugh, I'm exhausted. I slept like CRAP last night.
I just got off the phone with the surgical coordinator, and my D&C is at 2 on Friday. I have to forgo eating or drinking anything (not even water) for atleast 8 hours before they do the anesthesia, so they asked me not to eat or drink anything after 4:30 am on Friday. I can't even swallow the water when I brush my teeth! So I think that I'm going to put a big jug of water by my bed and set my alarm clock for 4 am. Going all day without eating will suck, but I'm REALLY dreading going all day without drinking any water. That sounds miserable. So I guess I'll just drink as much as possible on Thursday and then earlyearlyearly on Friday morning to try to keep from feeling dehydrated all day long.
My mom is going to pick up T from daycare on Friday so that we won't have to worry about the time if it takes longer than they expect at the hospital. My parents might also keep T over night on Friday if they don't have anything else going on. My mom was going to double check with my dad. On one hand, I think I might be in big need of a patented Tristan cuddle when I get home, but on the other hand, if I'm loopy or in pain it would probably be better for me to not be having to chase him around. My parents only live 9 doors down from us; maybe I can walk up and get my long cuddle for the night and then let them take it from there.
I kind of felt bad for the surgical coordinator. One of the questions that she had to ask me was "What is your understanding of the procedure you are going in for? Can you describe what is going to happen?" I know they do this to make sure that you truly understand the medical procedure that you are consenting to, which is a good thing. But in this particular case, since she also knew what I was going for and why, she seemed really...I don't know...embarassed to have to ask. Before she asked the question, she started by saying "I am SO sorry, but I have to ask you this. I'm really sorry...."
I'm just weirdly glad that it's only two days away. I want so much for this whole process to be over; I think that I can really start to move on once it's over; but right now I just feel so...stuck...in the middle of it. Like, I can't close this chapter yet, so I'm doomed to just keep thinking about it and ruminating about it. I don't think that I've had a moment in two weeks when it was far from my mind. It's enough to drive a person crazy.
People can be so inappropriate.
DH called me at work yesterday to find out what the doctor had said. I was sitting at my desk trying to talk very quietly into my phone to tell him what time I had to be to the hospital, how long they expect it to take, how long I have to stay after, et cetera.
One of my coworkers (who is a nosy, needy, crazy person under the very best of circumstances) came up to me after I got off the phone and said "I couldn't help but overhear...(um, really? Cause I was practically whispering...) Are you having surgery????" Me: "Yes." Loooooong awkward pause while she waits for me to spill the dirt. Her: "Oh, well, I hope everything is okay." Me: "Yes, I'm fine, thanks."
That was literally our entire (awkward) conversation. I'm sure I wasn't my normal bubbly self, but seriously? Don't eavesdrop on people's conversations and then pump them for the deets about their medical procedures. Now she's telling people that I was "mean" to her yesterday, and she just can't understand what she did or why I would be mad. At the time, I wasn't even mad so much as shocked and appalled that she was so obviously being so nosy and so obviously trying to get the scoop. I need her dramaz like a pig needs a bicycle.
Tomorrow is The Thing. By this time tomorrow it should be all done. My parents are definitely picking up T and keeping him overnight, so that I can take the evening to heal and rest. I'm lucky to have them and have them so close by. We live in the same neighborhood, and a lot of people have asked me if that's a problem, but honestly it's always been a good thing. I like having them close. T loves it too.
I guess I don't really have anything else to say. Right now, I just feel like I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm glad the wait is almost over.
How are you feeling today? (HUGS)
Thinking of you. Journaling is a great way to get your feelings out.
Missy and ShiningLight, thank you for thinking about me. ((HUGS))
I was at the grocery store on Thursday night when I suddenly noticed that I felt...um...damp. I went to the bathroom to look, and I was bleeding heavily enough that I had bled through my pants. I went home ASAP.
Thursday night, I knew that I was passing everything spontaneously. It felt like a mini-labor! My whole torso hurt (even high up on my stomach, and my back) and I was bleeding and clotting like crazy. I called my doctor's 24 hour line, and they told me that I would need to go in for an ultrasound the next morning, but that if I passed all of the tissue on Thursday night I wouldn't need the D&C, so that is what I was really hoping for. I won't get too graphic, but by bed time on Thursday I was pretty confident that I didn't need a D&C.
On Friday morning I went in to get my ultrasound, and the doctor told me that *most* of the tissue had passed, but not all, and since I was no longer actively cramping or passing tissue, he advised me to just go ahead and get the D&C and be done with it. So that's what I did.
The gyn surgery unit shares a waiting room with the labor and delivery department. Totally makes sense, since the same doctors do both, but I have to say that seeing all of those happy families with their "It's a boy" balloons and flowers and what not was...sad. It made me feel really sad and JEALOUS.
Jon couldn't get off work until about 12:45, so by the time he met me at the hospital I was already in Pre-Op and had my IV in, and I was feeling RIGHTEOUSLY sorry for myself. Incredibly Sad Panda. But Jon lights up any room he's in (at least from my POV) so like the second I saw him I felt better. Not less sad, maybe, but definitely less alone and much safer (although logically I know that there wasn't anything Jon could do to make me more safe during surgery.)
They gave me something in Pre-Op (Versed? Something like that) and that was all she wrote. I don't remember anything after that until I woke up in Recovery.
Now I am still sore (mostly when I sit down or stand up - something hurts for a minute and then settles down again) and still spotting a little bit, but at least now I feel like I'm on the far side of this thing. Like, I passed through the middle, and the only thing I need to do now is get better.
It's probably crazy to even be thinking about it at this point, but I realized this morning that I want to start trying again when we can. Before, when people would ask me (my doctor, my mom) "so do you think you'll start trying again soon?" I would say "I don't know" and I would think "God no." Like, I couldn't even imagine ever wanting to risk putting myself through this again. And feeling like that would be disloyal to this baby - like I would be trying to just "replace" the old baby with a new one, like I could pretend that this never happened. But this morning I was driving to work, and I realized that suddenly I don't feel that way anymore. I can't pretend this never happened. It happened. And I don't even want to pretend that. I want to never forget that we had another child, however fleeting it's life was. But I also want to move on and move forward in hope and love, rather than being stuck by this sadness. I think I'll be ready to try again when we get the go ahead. And that's okay; it's not callous or disloyal. It's okay.
I realize that I have been really slacking at...well....everything lately. I'll be honest, I've just been kind of putting in my time at my job. Usually, I'm actually a pretty high performer at work, but lately I just can't seem to work up the motivation to get my crap done. NOT a good way to be in a mostly self paced job. And double NOT a good way to be in this economy. If I can't pass muster right now, I'm sure there are literally thousands of Coloradoans that are willing to get it a shot. Time to get my booty in gear.
It's not just my job though. I'll admit is, my house is kind of a mess right now (like, worse than usual ) and I haven't shaved my legs in almost a week. And exercise? Don'makemelaugh. I'm definitely in some kind of a slump over here. It's like, all I want to do is just....slack. Sit around and not do anything all day every day. I'm even having a hard time dealing with T right now. Usually his antics delight me and make me laugh, but right now he just exhausts me. I hate to admit it, but last night I just threw on a movie so he would just sit and be quiet the last hour before bed. I know, great habit to get in to - letting, heck, encouraging, your two year old watch an hour of TV before bed. But I just seriously could not cope.
I woke up at like 3 am this morning in the middle of a full on anxiety attack thinking about all of the things that I need to do to get my life back in order. I need to dust and vacuum and clean the bathrooms and do a crap ton of laundry. I need to get caught up at work. I need to start working out again. I need to register for my chem class for next semester. But it all just makes me feel so overwhelmed, like there is no freaking way that I can get all of that done and I'm paralyzed before I even start. I will say, I did get a big chunk of work done this morning, and I'm fully planning on being super productive this afternoon too. I actually only really have two more phone calls to make, and then I'm pretty much caught up, so I'm not as far behind there as I thought. Then, if I can go home and at least clean the bathrooms tonight, and then sweep and dust tomorrow...and do one load of laundry every night until I'm caught up....then maybe I'll start working out this weekend if I feel up to my Zumba class, and then get the momentum going from there. Okay, having a plan helps. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
Alissa, hon, let yourself grieve. This may not have been a full term baby, but this is still your baby. If your house isn't clean or you're not the perfect mother, IT'S OKAY. If you don't feel like doing a lot of what you usually do, IT'S OKAY. Just thought you might want to know that. ((HUGS))
Ryan and Rachael
Parents to Chase, Abby, Hunter, Rachel, Caleb, Hannah & Nate
~Remembering sweet baby Oliver, born to Heaven October 20, 2009, & keeping Carole in our prayers~
Thanks for all of your support Rachael. ((HUGS)) I know it's important to let myself grieve, but I think it's gotten to the point where "not doing stuff" may be more stressful than "doing stuff." I'm trying to strike the right balance.
Last night I:
Cleaned my bathrooms
Tidied up our bedroom
Did a load of laundry
Read like 7 books to T after dinner and before bath
This morning I:
Shaved my legs
Packed a healthy day's worth of food to take to work (healthy breakfast, healthy lunch, healthy snack)
Remembered to run the dishwasher before I left the house
Tonight I will:
Dust. Our house REALLY needs a good dusting
1 load of laundry
I know, it seems weird to have to plan this stuff out, but I feel like it's the only way to get my butt back in gear, and I feel like if I DON'T get my butt back in gear, I'm going to just continue sinking further and further into this black hole that I'm in. I can look down that way, and see this awful future where everything I see (including my filthy house and my reflection in the mirror) only contributes to my depression. I don't want to slide any further into this black cloud because I'm scared that if I go any further, I won't know how to find my way back out.
Dust the house
Do the laundry
Maybe tomorrow I'll put on some makeup
Clean out my car
Call my clients
I can't believe it's been like a month since I posted. I think I've been avoiding PO a little bit. I just couldn't deal with all of the pregnancy tickers and whatnot. Anyway, I guess I'm doing better. My latest weird little quirk to come out of all of this crap is thinking that I'm pregnant when I'm really not. Not in a sad "I keep forgetting I lost the baby" kind of way - I did that back in November. Been there, done that. But, like a little over a week after my D&C, DH and I DTD, unprotected. Even at the time, I knew a) it was stupid, I'm not supposed to get pregnant yet, but b) there was probably no way that my body had gotten the message about the D&C AND ovulated in that short amount of time.
Except that now it's like 5 weeks past my D&C, and no sign of my period, which is totally normal. Dr said it could take like 7 weeks, and then if it still doesn't happen we have options. Whaddyabet I'm going to be one of the ones that still doesn't get it in 7 weeks? That's been the kind of luck I've been having with this entire process. But anyway, so here I am, 5 weeks past D&C, no period, one unprotected "deed" later - and I can't stop being afraid that I'm pregnant and going to lose the baby because we didn't wait, and because (after taking a negative pregnancy test) I drank at a sales conference earlier this week. Like that would just be my luck, that I get pregnant again so soon, but then lose the baby because it's too soon or because I drowned it in martinis. So, since I couldn't stop thinking that I "feel pregnant", I have taken yet another negative pregnancy test. I'm not pregnant. I know I'm not pregnant. I knew that last week, when I took the first test, and logically I've known it all along because I know that the timing is all wrong. But I still keep torturing myself with "what if..." So dumb.
Anyway, in other news, things have been really nice at home lately. Other than me feeling OCD, things have been on a really even kilter. T has been so good lately, and DH is probably going to win the "World's Best Husband" award for 2010 (complete with mug and shirt ) We got some new couches, so the house is looking spiffy. I don't know, I guess things are good. I'm just waiting, still. I can't really say what I'm waiting for - waiting to get my period, waiting to start TTC again, waiting to feel normal again, I don't know. Just waiting.
Oh my Alissa, I was checking in on you GDB ladies and I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It sucks, it just does, especially since the loss part was so drawn out for you guys. I still have our 9 week ultrasound picture and once I felt comfortable about it- I actually did journal about it and added the picture. Wishing you all the best- and looking forward to seeing a pregnancy ticker in your signature!