Thank you Chelsea, and big hugs to you too over your loss. It DOES suck. I think that writing about it helps though, so I'm glad that you are keeping a journal too. I still have my 7 week ultrasound pictures as well. I tucked them away in a special place where I don't have to keep running into them unexpectedly (that was happening to me because I had originally put them on the kitchen table when I got them before the m/c, so later I kept refinding them), but where I can keep them always. Hugs Mama. We're making it through this.
Well what do you know, it's a Solstice Miracle!
Last night, I was thinking about how it has been 6 weeks since my D&C, and still no sign of my first period, and how it feels like my body has just been taking the worst case scenario ever since October. First I lose the baby, then my body doesn't pass it even with meds, but then it does pass it the night before my D&C (not without pain, I might add) but it's not enough, and for my grand finale I still have to have the D&C too.
My doctor told me that 4-7 weeks for the next period is the norm, but that a small minority of women don't get theirs back after 7 or 8 weeks, and if that happens, we would have other medical avenues to go down. So, there I was sitting at 6 weeks and figuring that the way things have been going, I am definitely going to be part of that small minority that don't get back to normal without "help" (whatever that would mean.) And I was feeling RIGHTEOUSLY sorry for myself. I finally told DH how I was feeling (I haven't really talked much about this piece of it because I know that even if he was sweet and understanding he probably still wouldn't really get it. I'm not even past the 7 week mark, so why am I so worked up and pessimistic?) Anyway, as predicted, when I finally broke down (complete with tears and shaky voice) and told him that I was freaked out and feeling like my body was just broken and never going to go back to normal, he was really sweet and gave me a big long hug, but he also didn't really get it. He started talking about some study that said that women are more prone to ovarian cancer now than in the past because we have too many periods (we don't spend as much time pregnant as our forebearers because most of us only have a couple of kids, and we go into puberty sooner, and we actually live to the end of our reproductive years.) So like, yay! Not getting my period when I need it (or want it, whatever, I felt like I needed it so that I could feel like I was making some sort of progress) would be a good thing because it would lower my risk for cancer! Seriously dude. I know you love me and you try to comfort me the best way you know how, but seriously. Lame.
He did say one thing that I found kind of, I don't know, comforting. So we're talking, and I said "What if it doesn't ever go back to normal? What if I'm just broken?" And honestly, I think that question goes to the very heart of all of my anxiety over this. Good to actually say it outloud. And DH gave me this huge hug and says "That just means more gingerbread cookies for the three of us." (as in, "we don't have to split them as many ways.") Okay, weird thing to be comforted by, but it just made me realize that he wouldn't care if I couldn't have any more babies, he would be happy with the family that we have. Not that I seriously doubted that, I'm the one that always wants more babies, but it was weirdly good to hear out loud. And yes, I am happy with what we have. I have a gorgeous, funny, smart, affectionate little boy who cracks me up on a daily basis, and a gorgeous, funny, smart, affectionate man who I'm crazy about and who loves me back too. Pretty awesome. Our family is not incomplete, even if it's only ever just the three of us.
Having said all of that, after we had our heart to heart and I had my cry, I went upstairs and discovered....AF was here! Body is not broken.
DH was like "Really, you're this happy and excited about your period???" Yes, yes DH. I really am.
That is comforting! I'm glad you're not "broke."
Ugh, I'm glad that it's almost the New Year. I need to get back into a proper diet and exercise routine. My baggy pants are starting to fit again. I know that I don't have to wait until Jan 1 (okay, more likely, Jan 3) to start watching what I eat and running. I could literally do it today. But I won't, so here's to Jan 3.
And while we're at it, here's to 2011. I would say that 2010 was mostly a pretty good year. And then, there towards the end, it started to totally blow. I don't know what it is about the New Year - logically there is no real change between Friday the 31st and Saturday the 1st. But it does feel like a chance to make a fresh start. It always does, and this year, it especially does. So here is to fresh starts, and making 2011 a really good year.
Hubby is turning 30 in a couple of weeks. That makes me happy. LOL!!! It's just that I've been 30 since July (and boy has he let me know about it.) I'm glad he's finally joining the club. So glad that I'm throwing him a surprise birthday party. Shhhhh. Don't tell. *wink* It's been really fun so far planning the party with his sister. I've even been extra sneaky and contacted some of his coworkers by looking on the website for the school that they all work at and finding email addresses of people that he has mentioned or that I have met a few times. As my SIL said "Haha, good job on contacting people you've never met by looking up emails addresses that weren't given to you. Not creepy at all." LOL Love my sister in law. Whatever, every body loves being in on a secret, especially a happy secret like a surprise party.
That's pretty much all of my news. Other than that, just waiting to TTC I guess. Only about 3 more weeks until my next AF is due, and then we can stop preventing again. I can't tell what it means that I am so ready to be trying again. Like, does that mean that I've moved on? OR does it mean that I'm still all effed up - otherwise I wouldn't be so obsessed with pregnancy? I don't know. Sometimes I just feel really hopeful and excited to try again, and that seems healthy and okay. But then other times I feel like, I don't know, like I'm never going to feel "right" again until I'm knocked up again - like all of this time is just me clocking in the hours until I can be pregnant again. I'm pretty sure that the latter means that I'm still effed up. But does *that* mean that I am swinging between healthy normal excitement and effed up desperation, or is my "healthy normal excitement" just the same effed up depression with a more upbeat face? I don't know, but I do know that I want to be emotionally healthy when I do get knocked up again someday, whenever that happens.
Whatever, in the meantime, January 3 - you are mine! I'm going back to Spark People and back to running and Zumba, and back to getting teeny tiny.
I've been meaning to write on this to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I really am sorry you had to deal with all of those issues in addition to your m/c.
I can relate to a lot of the feelings you describe. And I'm pretty sure you're not having any "unhealthy" emotions. I think any emotion is healthy when you are going through the grieving process, because I think every "sane" person goes through it differently. Some days you're going to feel like you're nuts, and some days you are going to feel like maybe you can do this.
I wish you the best with your new start!
Kim, thank you so much for your kind thoughts and wise words. ((Hugs))
I'm a lucky mom. I guess yesterday at daycare, some of the little girls were making bead necklaces, and Tristan insisted that he wanted to make one too - for me! Anna (his daycare lady) helped him string the beads, and when I got home last night, he presented it to me. I was so touched. What a sweet little kid. When I dropped him off this morning, Anna told me how excited he was to make me a necklace, and how mad he was when DH was the one that picked him up last night. LOL Poor DH.
Speaking of Poor DH, his surprise party is wrapping up nicely. A LOT of people (including some of his coworkers that I wrote about last time) are coming. I'm terrible at keeping secrets and acting casual though - I keep wanting to talk to him about it (like "Guess who I talked to today? Your old mentor, Alice!!!") and then remembering that, oh yeah, I can't talk about any of it or else I'll blow the surprise.
I started back in on my diet and exercise routine on Monday (me and everyone else, right?) and I have to say that it feels really nice to be taking good care of myself. I've already dropped 3 lbs, although probably most of that is water weight (you're really only supposed to lose 1-2 lbs per week after the first week or two.) I'll be a regular Skinny Minnie before you know it.
I guess that's about it. No news is good news, right?
I'm not really testing anything (in case you see my ticker and think that I think that I might be knocked up.) I'm not preggers this month unless it's some kind of immaculate conception; I had a wicked cold last week and part of the week before, and then DH caught it, so there has been no action of any kind in our house lately. S'okay, we weren't supposed to be trying this month anyway - but we should be ready to let things happen after this next AF. Hence the ticker. I know, a little dumb, but it's like a count down of sorts - only like one more week and then the cycle starts over and I don't have to wait any more. Then I can be officially TTC again. I'm looking forward to it - TTC is exciting. I liked TTC both times before, liked the fun of "trying" (heehee) and not knowing; it's a hopeful activity.
Some weirdo part of me actually hopes that it takes several months though. I know, with all that I've obsessed about it (and am still, hello false TTC ticker) you would think that I would want to get knocked up ASAP. Part of me does, it's true. But another part of me is kind of ambivalent about getting back on that ride. I don't know. I'm just trying to tell myself that it will just happen when it's supposed to happen, and not to worry about it.
In happy news, Shanna had her baby on Monday. A little girl - Caitlin Renee. We are driving up to her house on Sunday (she lives about an hour and a half away) to go see the new baby. Can't wait!!!! And today is hubby's actual birthday. I got him a Garmin Sports watch with GPS for running that he has been wanting for like a year now, so I'm all wiggly with excitement to give it to him. And Saturday is the party (finally). I'm a terrible liar, and I HATE it. It makes me feel gross inside, even when it's for a good cause like a surprise party. I'm looking forward to the big reveal.
What else? Oooh, guess who has lost 5.2 lbs since New Years! Me! I've been exercizing like a crazy lady and really watching what I eat, so I'm only only 1.2 lbs above my pre-holiday weight (yes, I gained 6.4 lbs over the holidays. Blech - how gross is that to have eaten that much crap in like the span of a month and a half?) Anyway, I'm feeling like I'm almost back down to my fighting weight. LOL
Last edited by Alissa_Sal; 01-12-2011 at 07:31 PM.
Guess who's on cycle day 1 of TTC? Oh yes, it's me. Weird - I don't think I've EVER been this happy to start AF. Except maybe when I was a teenager, and AF meant that I hadn't managed to get my fool self knocked up.
Speaking of AF, last time I was at the store, I knew that I was going to need tampons, so I grabbed some that were on sale without looking too closely at them. I noticed that the packaging was disconcertingly "hip" for lack of a better word (like, black with swirlies and touches of vibrant color) but who cares, they were cheap. If I had my druthers, I would just go with OB because I think that tampons with applicators are weirdly wasteful, but they were out of OB, so I just got whatever was cheapest.
Today, I broke them open and really looked at them for the first time. And first of all, the applicators come in all different colors, which is a little weird, but whatever. I don't even need an applicator - like I care which color it is. But then I noticed that the box said "Which color are you today?" Like as if girls are going to be comparing what they are "wearing". "What color tampon do you have in?" "Oh, I was feeling green today!" Ew. And it's not like the actual tampon is pink or blue or whatever, just the disposable applicator. Anyway, whatever, the tampon works just fine - I just thought that the idea of a specially colored applicator was beyond odd. Maybe I'm not their target audience.
While I'm just having random mind barf, you know what else I think is weird? Instant mashed potato flakes. So, I asked T what he wanted for dinner and he said "mashed potatoes and green beans." As always, his wish is my command, so I got the stuff to make (among other things) mashed potatoes and green beans.
I didn't grow up eating fresh green beans. It was canned only in my house, which is why for the first 28 years of my life I thought I hated green beans. Then one day, DH brought home some fresh green beans, and a love affair was born. I freaking love green beans (as long as they are steamed lightly, bought fresh) and T is following in those footsteps. So I got some fresh green beans. From sheer taste value, I don't know why people ruin green beans by canning them or even freezing them, but I can admit that fresh green beans aren't always the most cost effective option.
But then there are potatoes. Not to keep slamming them, but my 'rents are devotees of the instant mashed potato. Why??? Potatoes are so cheap that the grocery store practically pays YOU to take them away, and real mashed potatoes are NOT hard to make. I like a little peel on my tater, so I only peel mine about 3/4s of the way, and then I boil the crap out of them, making them insanely easy to mash with a little milk and butter. Trust me peeps, this is not hard work, and the difference in taste is a zillion times worth it.
I feel the same way about those cornbread mixes that you can buy. Why???? Take 3 minutes and mix together some corn meal, flour, baking powder, salt, and sugar. You now have a corn bread mix, because those mixes ask you to add the wet ingredients at home. How hard is it to measure out 5 dry ingredients?
Anyway, whatever, I don't even know where I'm going with this. I was just reflecting this evening about how odd it is that some "convenience" foods even exist because they suck and the real versions aren't even hard.
Okay, so wish me luck TTC. I'm charting this month to see if it helps so if charting really works, who knows. I could be expecting by mid Feb!
Hahaha, that was a weird post. I had like 3 glasses of wine last night, and it had me rambling about colored tampons and cornbread mixes.
Okay, so I'm thinking about closing this journal and starting a new one in the TTC section, or even a new one that is just here since I doubt that I would ONLY talk about TTC. I just...I don't know....this journal was started to help me through my miscarriage and I think that it really did. But having said that, a lot of it is pretty negative - sadness and grief and depression. I'm feeling so much happier and healthier now, and I don't know, I guess maybe I feel like I should close this chapter and open a new one. Like, it's kind of weird to have a journal that starts out talking about a miscarriage and ends up with colored tampons.
So, if anyone's reading this, what do you think? Start a new one? Keep the old one?
I think you should do whatever feels right. I will enjoy reading about your journey wherever you decide to write about it...colored tampons and all!
Thank you so much for your kind words about Jake as well - it really means a lot.