A Place to Start (m/c ment)

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Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427
A Place to Start (m/c ment)

Two days ago, I found out that I had miscarried a much wanted baby. And now I'm just trying to sort out my feelings and get everything down "on paper" so that I can move on from it.

I don't want to forget. It sounds stupid maybe, because this baby never was and never will be. But I still feel like it was alive, and mine, and I don't want to forget that it lived, it happened. So I guess that by writing all this down, I can also keep a hold on that fact.

So here we go. A place to start.

On Monday, October 11th, it suddenly kind of dawned on me that I hadn't had a period in a while. Stupid, because I knew that we weren't preventing; you would think that I would be keeping track of these things. But, I just hadn't really thought about it, so when it finally occured to me, I was on CD 46! So I bought a test, and that was that.

I was so happy and excited. A little scared, sure, because suddenly it was real. We were going to have a newborn and a toddler to contend with. And how were we going to afford daycare for two of them - daycare for ONE costs an arm and a leg. But, I was also so very very excited. I quit coffee cold turkey. I started taking prenatals and a DHA sup. I started daydreaming about little babies. Hubby and I even started tentatively batting around names, making little jokes about ridiculous names as we did so. I was even looking forward to getting out my old maternity clothes in the next several months, just for a change of wardrobe.

On Wednesday, Oct 13th I had my first visit with the NP. She gave me an over all physical, and they drew blood. Everything looked good. That was also the first day that I had spotting, but she told me that spotting in early pregnancy is very normal, and told me to just take it easy for a couple of days until we got a look at the ultrasound.

On Thursday, Oct 14th, I had an ultrasound. They got me in fairly quickly, because of the spotting. Everything looked great. I saw the baby's heartbeat, and everything was normal. The baby was measuring at exactly 7 weeks.

On Tuesday, Oct 19th, I had my first visit with my Ob/Gyn. He looked at my blood tests and ultrasound and said that everything looked great. I told him about the spotting, which had continued off and on, but he wasn't concerned. He even said that I was okay to keep running if I felt up to it.

On Saturday, Oct 23rd, we told DH's sister that she was going to be an aunt again.

On Sunday, Oct 24th, I ran/walked a 5K in the morning. I've been told that this should have had nothing to do with anything, but I'll probably always think about it and wonder. That afternoon, we told my parents that we were expecting, and then we told my cousin Shanna. Shanna talked about how she kept her pregnancy a secret from everyone until she was 13 weeks, and I talked about how I'm a blabbermouth who can't keep a secret to save my life.

On Monday, Oct 25th, I woke up to much heavier spotting. I called my doctor's office at 8:30 am, as soon as they opened. They had me come in at 10. I told the nurse what was happening, and she seemed nervous. They moved me to a room with an ultrasound. I told the doctor (not my usual doctor) what was happening, and he was reassuring. But then we did the ultrasound. No heartbeat, no matter how hard he looked. Then he flipped a setting on the machine so that we could see blood flow. You could see my blood flowing just fine, bright reds and blues. The baby stayed black.

Later I asked the doctor if he could tell when the baby had died. He said that it was measuring at 8 weeks 3 days, so it must have been very, very recent.

I cried. A lot. The doctor and nurse left the room so I could put on my pants and cry in private. I sent a text to DH to call me, and wonder of wonders, he called me back right away. We talked until the doctor came back to talk about my options, none of them the options that I wanted.

In the end, I chose to take a pill that would cause my body to miscarry. They gave me five little white pills in a paper envelope and a perscription for Percoset, and sent me home.

I thought that I wouldn't be able to bear to tell my parents. I couldn't imagine adding their grief to mine, didn't want to have to say that I was okay when I wasn't. But then I did it - I called my mom and gave her the news. Mercifully, she said she would tell my dad and my cousin so I wouldn't have to. I'm a wimp, but there it is. I also called DH's sister. And gave many, many thanks for the fact that we hadn't yet told DH's parents. We were supposed to tell them that night. DH and I talked about it a little, whether we should tell them what happened, but my thought was that there wasn't much to tell. Why burden them with that when there was nothing that could be done.

That night, I sat for a very long time in DS's room, rocking him and holding him much longer than I usually do before bed. I can understand that I am very lucky. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, and a gorgeous amazing little boy who I'm crazy about. I can understand even more now, what a miracle it is that he was born - that his particular combination came about through the uniting of my body and DH's, that he survived the early weeks of pregnancy, that he is alive and he is mine and to me, he is completely unique. Having him is a balm on all sorts of aches. But that thinking is also a trap, because it reminds me that the baby I lost also would have been a unique and irreplacable individual. He or she too, would have amazed and delighted me with his/her little quirks and personality. But now s/he is gone, and I'll never know who it was that I lost.

It's stunning to me how I could only know that I was pregnant for two weeks, and yet still feel so much sadness in losing something that I only barely had. I try to compare it to losing anything else after only two weeks, but the comparisons never add up.

On Tuesday, Oct 26th, I dropped DS off at daycare, and then I went to the grocery store to get some supplies. I wore my sunglasses inside the store, just needing a little privacy for my hot red eyes. People probably thought that I had a black eye or that I fancied myself to be some sort of local celebrity. No autographs, please.

Then I went home, and I opened the envelope, and I took 5 pills. 6 if you count the Percoset.

That was a good move, I think, because before that, I had some crazy compulsion to deny that anything was wrong. Maybe the doctors were wrong! Maybe! I hadn't had any bleeding for almost 24 hours, and I still *felt* pregnant. How could the baby really be gone if I wasn't bleeding and I still felt nauseous as soon as I woke up? But I know that line of thinking only leads to more sorrow and crazy making. I saw the lack of heartbeat and blood flow with my own two eyes. There isn't any coming back from that. So I took the pills.

Then my mom called. I had been dreading this, dreading having more conversations about the miscarriage, more conversations about how sorry she is. She's sorry, I'm sorry, everyone's sorry. It doesn't change anything, it just brings my mind back to it all. Sorrysorrysorry. But then something weird happened. She told me that she was leaving work and coming to spend the day with me so that I wouldn't have to be alone. And suddenly, that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to sit with my mom, and have someone to talk to, someone to be sad and sorry with. So she came over, and it just kind of changed the tenor of the day. It still sucked, but it sucked less because my mom was there. She made me lunch and got me Sprite when I got sick to my stomach, and we watched completely trashy daytime TV, and it was still one of the worst days ever, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it would have been otherwise. I survived.

So now I'm here and I know that I'm going to be okay and that someday we'll try it again. I guess that will be good, but right now I can't even wrap my head around that. Trying again, like it's some test I failed, but can retake.

But I guess I have faith that I won't always feel this way, that it will get muffled and then just be something I think about from time to time.

Question to self: what do I do with those first ultrasound pictures? I was saving them for a scrap book, but now what? I don't really feel like I can throw them away, but is it morbid to hang on to them?

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

(((HUGS))) I've had several m/c. It is not morbid at all to save those u/s pictures. I still have every single one of mine. ((HUGS))

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Thanks for the hugs and reassurance, ShiningLight. Smile

*****************************************************************

For some reason, I keep thinking about all of the things that I can do now. Like, "I can drink coffee now." "I can have a cocktail at my brother's birthday party." "I can order the size 10 bridesmaid's dress for the wedding without wondering if I will have lost the baby weight by then." But the thing is, those little realizations don't make me any happier. For some reason, everytime I think of one, it makes me feel angry. "Yay for stupid freaking coffee and cocktails. That makes it so worth it.*"

*sarcasm

All of this is interspersed with the fact that at other times, I keep forgetting that I'm not pregnant any more. I'll think "I can totally have a bowl of ice cream before bed. I'm pregnant! D'oh." Or, I was doing this thing where every time I read an interesting/pretty/weird name or heard one on TV, I would take the name and put it in front of our last name "Brunhilda Jones?" (our last name isn't really Jones.) I find myself still doing that. That makes me mad too.

Basically, I'm mad. Lessee, how many stages of grief can I go through in a week? :rolleyes:

Whatever. I don't want to write any more today.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Drank like half a bottle of red wine last night. That was stupid. It didn't make me feel any better, it just upset my stomach and made it harder to get up this morning. I don't think I'll be going back for the other half tonight. Wink

Our DS (T) is such a perceptive little guy. I don't know what he's overheard, but he told me again last night that "You have a booboo on your tummy. I kiss it and make it better. You'll be okay." Yeah, he's right. I'll be okay.

I packed up his Triceratops costume and sent it to daycare with him this morning. They are having a Halloween party this afternoon, and all of the kids are dressing up. He's so funny. We wanted to teach him to say "Trick or Treat", but it turns out he already knows the phrase. He said "Trick or Treat" and then went on to add "Smell my feet!" Thank you, other children at daycare. Smile

I guess not much is going on. Tonight, DH is going to some teacher's conference. He's been working with a group to help put the conference together for several months, so I'm sure he's glad that it's finally here. T and I will be on our own for dinner, so I was thinking about taking us out for dinner. Special treat.

Tomorrow Jon will be at the conference again, but I think that my parents are going to come and get T and take him for the day. My mom said that she would double check with my dad, but probably. Keeping my fingers crossed. I could use a day to myself to clean and read and sleep.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Over all, I had a good weekend. Saturday during the day was rough - I just felt so DOWN. Like, the only way I can describe it is that I felt like I was underwater, like trapped at the bottom of a lake or something. I was moving slow, thinking slow, and feeling almost physically weighed down.

Saturday evening, my folks took Kiddo, so DH and I had the evening to ourselves. We decided to go out to dinner, and decided to try some place new. Turns out that we found our new favorite restaurant, completely by chance. So, that was nice, and it actually did lift my spirits quite a bit.

Halloween was nice too. It's one of my favorite holidays, and this year was the first year we took T trick or treating, so that was a lot of fun. I took T up and down the street while DH stayed home and handed out candy, and then T helped hand out candy when we got home. He loved it.

I promised myself that today I was going to try to get back on the horse and start taking good care of myself again. Before I got pregnant, I was working really hard on getting in shape and losing weight. Since July, I have gotten myself down into a healthy BMI weight range, but I still want to lose about another 15-20 lbs (don't worry, this would still be well within the healthy weight range) One of the things that I have actually really loved about losing weight and getting in shape is now much energy and confidence it has given me. Not surprisingly, I just feel better when I take good care of myself (I know, novel concept.) When I got pregnant, I continued to make an effort to eat well, but I'll admit that I definitely got more lax with the treats (as I've said, "I can have a bowl of ice cream before bed! I'm pregnant!") I also scaled down the exercise a bit, preferring to go for long walks rather than running (for the most part - I ran/walked a 5K the day before I lost the baby, and don't you know that I will probably ALWAYS think about that.)

Then, for the past week, I have sat on my couch and pretty much done nothing, and ate whatever. Couldn't be bothered to care.

So I promised myself that I would get back on that horse today. I think that the best way to heal myself (both physically and emotionally) is to start making a conscious effort to make healthy choices again. Start living my life again. Focus on my goals, rather than my sadness. So that's the plan. Wish me luck.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I went for a run last night after work. Sort of. Smile I pretty much took a month off, and it is amazing how much stamina I had lost already. I had to alternate running and walking, expecially up The Big Hill (this hill is a monster - it takes like 5 minutes non-stop to run to the top.) I had to stop about 3/4's of the way up The Big Hill and walk the rest of the way up because I felt like I was going to die.

Even so, it felt good to get out in the fall air and stretch my legs. It was a perfect day for it - cool (which is great for running) but bright and clear. I want to restore my connection to and faith in my body, and exercise is such a vital way to do that. My mind felt so clear while I was out there - not stuck in sadness or anxiety or even thinking about the day to day stuff (laundry, cooking, work), just calm and clear. One foot in front of the other, and that's it. It was nice.

It let me blow off some steam and come home and be a nicer, calmer Mommy and Wife. And I think...I think that if I were to use this loss as a reason to self destruct, in a way, that would be kind of disrespecting the child I lost. If that makes any sense. So maybe the flip side is true, taking care of myself is a way to honor that child. I don't know, it probably doens't make sense to anyone else. I guess it doesn't have to - the point is, it made me feel a little better. And that's a good thing. I'm going to keep it up.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Ugh. Denial has to be the most insidious phase of the grieving process.

Yesterday, I was looking at information about miscarriages online. I don't really know why. What else do I need to know? I think I just wanted to read, again, that my odds are really pretty good of having a normal healthy pregnancy next time. So then, I stumbled across the term "misdiagnosed miscarriage" which, through a series of increasingly ill advised links and Google searches led me to a web site devoted to "misdiagnosed miscarriages." That is, cases where the doctor told the woman that she had miscarried, and then some weeks later it was discovered that she had a healthy normal fetus still thriving away in her womb.

The site was helpfully divided up into categories, including "no heartbeat, after seeing a heartbeat the first time." Just like me! I read the stories of at least 5 women, all of whom saw a heartbeat on an ultrasound at about 6-7 weeks, only to see NO heartbeat at about 8 weeks. All of them decided to let the miscarriage happen naturally, or pushed for a second opinion, and were vindicated when their healthy fetuses were detected on a second ultrasound.

Yeah, that's totally the kind of story that's good for my mental health right now.

Now I can think about:
-Did I kill my baby by running that 5K (I know, everyone has told me that this could not be the case, but the timing continues to haunt me)?
OR
-Did I kill my baby by not pushing for a second opinion and taking the abortion pill when, in fact, my baby was totally fine and just temporarily missing a heartbeat or bloodflow...somehow.

Yeah. Okay, but that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that THEN I started reading about how sometimes a woman will be carrying twins, and she'll miscarry one twin, and the other (living) twin is hiding behind the miscarried twin. So I started thinking about what if this time, it was twins? Twins run in my family! My mom's a twin! And the blood and clotting and everything that resulted from the pills, that was the (already) dead twin, and the living twin miraculously survived! I could still be pregnant! I even Googled the effects of the abortion pill on a surviving baby (according to internet message boards, some babies do survive the pill, and if they survive they aren't harmed by it) and also the effects of Percoset on a fetus ('cause I also took Percoset that day.) Okay, totally crazy right?

Yep. I can admit that thoughts like that (and going so far as to do research as a result of thoughts like that) are CRAZY. And not helpful. And sad.

And it all boils down to this...I thought that I was making my peace with this thing. I thought I was getting myself into a healthier place, running, and eating well, and journaling. And all that stuff may be good (it can't hurt anyway) but I'm not there yet. I'm still messed up enough by this that I'm sorely sorely tempted to hang my hopes on wild totally improbable internet inspired theories. I even asked myself if I should avoid alcohol on my brother's birthday, "just in case." Okay Alissa, drink or don't drink, but don't NOT drink because you think (despite OVERWHELMING evidence to the contrary) that you maybe possibly in some crazy medical mystery kind of way might still be pregnant.

I never thought that I was the type to bury my head in denial - to believe something because I *wanted* to believe it. But now I see how tempting that is.

I'm not well.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Feeling slightly less psycho today. I woke up super early on Thursday with these wild thoughts in my head like "Maybe I could just call my ob/gyn and bump up my follow up appointment from Tuesday (the 9th) to today or tomorrow. That way, they can tell me once and for all that I'm not pregnant, and then I can accept it and move on. As soon as they open, I'll call them. I'm sure they won't mind moving it up a couple of days. What's a couple of days?"

I didn't call them. Thankfully by 8:30, I was feeling more...I dunno...rational...less wild and fuzzed up. I know I'm not pregnant. It's awful, I wish I was, but I'm not. I don't need to move up my appointment so they can tell me that again. They already told me once that I lost the baby. How drawn out and painful does this have to be for everybody involved?

I think that part of it is just that I feel like I can't talk about it to anyone. Yes, everyone who would care knows, and I know that they would listen patiently if I approached them. But, what can I even say, and how many times can I say it before it starts to wear thin on the listener? "I'm so sad. I wish I was still pregnant; I wish the baby was alive and well. I wish this never happened. I think about it all day every day." Seriously, all of that is so painful and simple and obvious - how do I even say it out loud? Who would I say it to?

I know this is going to get better someday. I know I won't always feel as bad as I do right now. I just have to hang on until then.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

My two week check up is tomorrow. I'm glad. I don't know why, but I guess I feel like once that is done with, I can close the book on this. Like....as long as there is still stuff to do and things to take care of, in a way I'm still having a miscarriage. But once everything is done, then I can say that I *had* a miscarriage and be done with it.

The weekend was very up and down. Saturday night we went to a Murder Mystery Playhouse (they do dinner and a murder mystery that the audience has to solve) with Jon, my brother and his fiance, and Shanna. It was so much fun, I laughed more and felt better than I have in weeks. On the other hand, on Saturday morning Jon turned on that Pixar movie "Up" which I hadn't seen, and told me "Watch this part; it's really sad but really good." It was a montage showing this couple's life together, including when they met, fell in love, got married, et cetera. There was this part that implied that they either were expecting a baby and lost it, or were infertile. Anyway, I totally lost it while watching that, and kept losing it (like, I kept tearing up) throughout the day, including at my Zumba class. Nice. Nothing like fighting back tears in front of a bunch of women doing aerobics to latin dance music over a Pixar movie. Then on Sunday we watched the episodes of The Office where Pam and Jim have their baby (we're like a season behind.) This also brought on more chin trembling and rapid blinking. Good times.

Whatever, I think I'm just about done ruminating about this. It feels so..."not me"....to just sit and dwell and feel bad and sorry for myself all of the time. I want to be done with it.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

SONOFA.....

I went to my two week check up this morning. The trauma continues. My body has not "expelled" the fetus. The cramping and bleeding and clotting of the past two weeks have just been a kind of charming side note - I am, in fact, still miscarrying. Perfect. Soooo, I guess my stupid body is as bad at miscarriage as it is at pregnancy. Perfect. Perfectperfectperfect.

I'm so MAD right now. I don't even know who or what I'm mad at, but OH I am MAD.

At least I'm not in denial anymore. I saw the baby again on the ultrasound, and I saw again that there was no heartbeat or bloodflow. It hasn't grown since the last ultrasound two weeks ago. The baby is really and truly gone, and at least I feel like I can really and truly accept that. So I guess that's one good thing. But seriously, how long does this ordeal have to drag on?

The doctor told me that I could try getting a shot and suppositories of the same hormone that they gave me last time, to try again to see if they could get my body to do what it needs to do. Or I could have a D&C. This time, I'm going to go ahead and do the D&C. I just want it to be over, and I don't want any more uncertainty. I just want it to be done with. So they are going to try to get me in for a D&C on Friday.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Ugh, I'm exhausted. I slept like CRAP last night.

I just got off the phone with the surgical coordinator, and my D&C is at 2 on Friday. I have to forgo eating or drinking anything (not even water) for atleast 8 hours before they do the anesthesia, so they asked me not to eat or drink anything after 4:30 am on Friday. I can't even swallow the water when I brush my teeth! So I think that I'm going to put a big jug of water by my bed and set my alarm clock for 4 am. Going all day without eating will suck, but I'm REALLY dreading going all day without drinking any water. That sounds miserable. So I guess I'll just drink as much as possible on Thursday and then earlyearlyearly on Friday morning to try to keep from feeling dehydrated all day long.

My mom is going to pick up T from daycare on Friday so that we won't have to worry about the time if it takes longer than they expect at the hospital. My parents might also keep T over night on Friday if they don't have anything else going on. My mom was going to double check with my dad. On one hand, I think I might be in big need of a patented Tristan cuddle when I get home, but on the other hand, if I'm loopy or in pain it would probably be better for me to not be having to chase him around. My parents only live 9 doors down from us; maybe I can walk up and get my long cuddle for the night and then let them take it from there.

I kind of felt bad for the surgical coordinator. One of the questions that she had to ask me was "What is your understanding of the procedure you are going in for? Can you describe what is going to happen?" I know they do this to make sure that you truly understand the medical procedure that you are consenting to, which is a good thing. But in this particular case, since she also knew what I was going for and why, she seemed really...I don't know...embarassed to have to ask. Before she asked the question, she started by saying "I am SO sorry, but I have to ask you this. I'm really sorry...."

So anyway.

I'm just weirdly glad that it's only two days away. I want so much for this whole process to be over; I think that I can really start to move on once it's over; but right now I just feel so...stuck...in the middle of it. Like, I can't close this chapter yet, so I'm doomed to just keep thinking about it and ruminating about it. I don't think that I've had a moment in two weeks when it was far from my mind. It's enough to drive a person crazy.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

People can be so inappropriate.

DH called me at work yesterday to find out what the doctor had said. I was sitting at my desk trying to talk very quietly into my phone to tell him what time I had to be to the hospital, how long they expect it to take, how long I have to stay after, et cetera.

One of my coworkers (who is a nosy, needy, crazy person under the very best of circumstances) came up to me after I got off the phone and said "I couldn't help but overhear...(um, really? Cause I was practically whispering...) Are you having surgery????" Me: "Yes." Loooooong awkward pause while she waits for me to spill the dirt. Her: "Oh, well, I hope everything is okay." Me: "Yes, I'm fine, thanks."

That was literally our entire (awkward) conversation. I'm sure I wasn't my normal bubbly self, but seriously? Don't eavesdrop on people's conversations and then pump them for the deets about their medical procedures. Now she's telling people that I was "mean" to her yesterday, and she just can't understand what she did or why I would be mad. At the time, I wasn't even mad so much as shocked and appalled that she was so obviously being so nosy and so obviously trying to get the scoop. I need her dramaz like a pig needs a bicycle.

Tomorrow is The Thing. By this time tomorrow it should be all done. My parents are definitely picking up T and keeping him overnight, so that I can take the evening to heal and rest. I'm lucky to have them and have them so close by. We live in the same neighborhood, and a lot of people have asked me if that's a problem, but honestly it's always been a good thing. I like having them close. T loves it too.

I guess I don't really have anything else to say. Right now, I just feel like I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm glad the wait is almost over.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

How are you feeling today? (HUGS)

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thinking of you. :bigarmhug: Journaling is a great way to get your feelings out.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Missy and ShiningLight, thank you for thinking about me. ((HUGS))

***************************************************

I was at the grocery store on Thursday night when I suddenly noticed that I felt...um...damp. I went to the bathroom to look, and I was bleeding heavily enough that I had bled through my pants. I went home ASAP.

Thursday night, I knew that I was passing everything spontaneously. It felt like a mini-labor! My whole torso hurt (even high up on my stomach, and my back) and I was bleeding and clotting like crazy. I called my doctor's 24 hour line, and they told me that I would need to go in for an ultrasound the next morning, but that if I passed all of the tissue on Thursday night I wouldn't need the D&C, so that is what I was really hoping for. I won't get too graphic, but by bed time on Thursday I was pretty confident that I didn't need a D&C.

On Friday morning I went in to get my ultrasound, and the doctor told me that *most* of the tissue had passed, but not all, and since I was no longer actively cramping or passing tissue, he advised me to just go ahead and get the D&C and be done with it. So that's what I did.

The gyn surgery unit shares a waiting room with the labor and delivery department. Totally makes sense, since the same doctors do both, but I have to say that seeing all of those happy families with their "It's a boy" balloons and flowers and what not was...sad. It made me feel really sad and JEALOUS.

Jon couldn't get off work until about 12:45, so by the time he met me at the hospital I was already in Pre-Op and had my IV in, and I was feeling RIGHTEOUSLY sorry for myself. Incredibly Sad Panda. But Jon lights up any room he's in (at least from my POV) so like the second I saw him I felt better. Not less sad, maybe, but definitely less alone and much safer (although logically I know that there wasn't anything Jon could do to make me more safe during surgery.)

They gave me something in Pre-Op (Versed? Something like that) and that was all she wrote. I don't remember anything after that until I woke up in Recovery.

Now I am still sore (mostly when I sit down or stand up - something hurts for a minute and then settles down again) and still spotting a little bit, but at least now I feel like I'm on the far side of this thing. Like, I passed through the middle, and the only thing I need to do now is get better.

It's probably crazy to even be thinking about it at this point, but I realized this morning that I want to start trying again when we can. Before, when people would ask me (my doctor, my mom) "so do you think you'll start trying again soon?" I would say "I don't know" and I would think "God no." Like, I couldn't even imagine ever wanting to risk putting myself through this again. And feeling like that would be disloyal to this baby - like I would be trying to just "replace" the old baby with a new one, like I could pretend that this never happened. But this morning I was driving to work, and I realized that suddenly I don't feel that way anymore. I can't pretend this never happened. It happened. And I don't even want to pretend that. I want to never forget that we had another child, however fleeting it's life was. But I also want to move on and move forward in hope and love, rather than being stuck by this sadness. I think I'll be ready to try again when we get the go ahead. And that's okay; it's not callous or disloyal. It's okay.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I realize that I have been really slacking at...well....everything lately. I'll be honest, I've just been kind of putting in my time at my job. Usually, I'm actually a pretty high performer at work, but lately I just can't seem to work up the motivation to get my crap done. NOT a good way to be in a mostly self paced job. And double NOT a good way to be in this economy. If I can't pass muster right now, I'm sure there are literally thousands of Coloradoans that are willing to get it a shot. Time to get my booty in gear.

It's not just my job though. I'll admit is, my house is kind of a mess right now (like, worse than usual ;)) and I haven't shaved my legs in almost a week. And exercise? Don'makemelaugh. I'm definitely in some kind of a slump over here. It's like, all I want to do is just....slack. Sit around and not do anything all day every day. I'm even having a hard time dealing with T right now. Usually his antics delight me and make me laugh, but right now he just exhausts me. I hate to admit it, but last night I just threw on a movie so he would just sit and be quiet the last hour before bed. I know, great habit to get in to - letting, heck, encouraging, your two year old watch an hour of TV before bed. But I just seriously could not cope.

I woke up at like 3 am this morning in the middle of a full on anxiety attack thinking about all of the things that I need to do to get my life back in order. I need to dust and vacuum and clean the bathrooms and do a crap ton of laundry. I need to get caught up at work. I need to start working out again. I need to register for my chem class for next semester. But it all just makes me feel so overwhelmed, like there is no freaking way that I can get all of that done and I'm paralyzed before I even start. I will say, I did get a big chunk of work done this morning, and I'm fully planning on being super productive this afternoon too. I actually only really have two more phone calls to make, and then I'm pretty much caught up, so I'm not as far behind there as I thought. Then, if I can go home and at least clean the bathrooms tonight, and then sweep and dust tomorrow...and do one load of laundry every night until I'm caught up....then maybe I'll start working out this weekend if I feel up to my Zumba class, and then get the momentum going from there. Okay, having a plan helps. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Alissa, hon, let yourself grieve. This may not have been a full term baby, but this is still your baby. If your house isn't clean or you're not the perfect mother, IT'S OKAY. If you don't feel like doing a lot of what you usually do, IT'S OKAY. Just thought you might want to know that. ((HUGS))

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Thanks for all of your support Rachael. ((HUGS)) I know it's important to let myself grieve, but I think it's gotten to the point where "not doing stuff" may be more stressful than "doing stuff." I'm trying to strike the right balance.

Last night I:
Cleaned my bathrooms
Tidied up our bedroom
Did a load of laundry
Read like 7 books to T after dinner and before bath

This morning I:
Shaved my legs
Packed a healthy day's worth of food to take to work (healthy breakfast, healthy lunch, healthy snack)
Remembered to run the dishwasher before I left the house

Tonight I will:
Dust. Our house REALLY needs a good dusting
1 load of laundry

I know, it seems weird to have to plan this stuff out, but I feel like it's the only way to get my butt back in gear, and I feel like if I DON'T get my butt back in gear, I'm going to just continue sinking further and further into this black hole that I'm in. I can look down that way, and see this awful future where everything I see (including my filthy house and my reflection in the mirror) only contributes to my depression. I don't want to slide any further into this black cloud because I'm scared that if I go any further, I won't know how to find my way back out.

So.

Dust the house
Do the laundry
Maybe tomorrow I'll put on some makeup
Clean out my car
Call my clients
Keepmovingkeepmovingkeepmoving.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I can't believe it's been like a month since I posted. I think I've been avoiding PO a little bit. I just couldn't deal with all of the pregnancy tickers and whatnot. Anyway, I guess I'm doing better. My latest weird little quirk to come out of all of this crap is thinking that I'm pregnant when I'm really not. Not in a sad "I keep forgetting I lost the baby" kind of way - I did that back in November. Been there, done that. But, like a little over a week after my D&C, DH and I DTD, unprotected. Even at the time, I knew a) it was stupid, I'm not supposed to get pregnant yet, but b) there was probably no way that my body had gotten the message about the D&C AND ovulated in that short amount of time.

Except that now it's like 5 weeks past my D&C, and no sign of my period, which is totally normal. Dr said it could take like 7 weeks, and then if it still doesn't happen we have options. Whaddyabet I'm going to be one of the ones that still doesn't get it in 7 weeks? That's been the kind of luck I've been having with this entire process. But anyway, so here I am, 5 weeks past D&C, no period, one unprotected "deed" later - and I can't stop being afraid that I'm pregnant and going to lose the baby because we didn't wait, and because (after taking a negative pregnancy test) I drank at a sales conference earlier this week. Like that would just be my luck, that I get pregnant again so soon, but then lose the baby because it's too soon or because I drowned it in martinis. So, since I couldn't stop thinking that I "feel pregnant", I have taken yet another negative pregnancy test. I'm not pregnant. I know I'm not pregnant. I knew that last week, when I took the first test, and logically I've known it all along because I know that the timing is all wrong. But I still keep torturing myself with "what if..." So dumb.

Anyway, in other news, things have been really nice at home lately. Other than me feeling OCD, things have been on a really even kilter. T has been so good lately, and DH is probably going to win the "World's Best Husband" award for 2010 (complete with mug and shirt :lol:) We got some new couches, so the house is looking spiffy. I don't know, I guess things are good. I'm just waiting, still. I can't really say what I'm waiting for - waiting to get my period, waiting to start TTC again, waiting to feel normal again, I don't know. Just waiting.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Oh my Alissa, I was checking in on you GDB ladies and I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It sucks, it just does, especially since the loss part was so drawn out for you guys. I still have our 9 week ultrasound picture and once I felt comfortable about it- I actually did journal about it and added the picture. Wishing you all the best- and looking forward to seeing a pregnancy ticker in your signature!

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Thank you Chelsea, and big hugs to you too over your loss. It DOES suck. I think that writing about it helps though, so I'm glad that you are keeping a journal too. I still have my 7 week ultrasound pictures as well. I tucked them away in a special place where I don't have to keep running into them unexpectedly (that was happening to me because I had originally put them on the kitchen table when I got them before the m/c, so later I kept refinding them), but where I can keep them always. Hugs Mama. We're making it through this.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Well what do you know, it's a Solstice Miracle! Wink

Last night, I was thinking about how it has been 6 weeks since my D&C, and still no sign of my first period, and how it feels like my body has just been taking the worst case scenario ever since October. First I lose the baby, then my body doesn't pass it even with meds, but then it does pass it the night before my D&C (not without pain, I might add) but it's not enough, and for my grand finale I still have to have the D&C too.

My doctor told me that 4-7 weeks for the next period is the norm, but that a small minority of women don't get theirs back after 7 or 8 weeks, and if that happens, we would have other medical avenues to go down. So, there I was sitting at 6 weeks and figuring that the way things have been going, I am definitely going to be part of that small minority that don't get back to normal without "help" (whatever that would mean.) And I was feeling RIGHTEOUSLY sorry for myself. I finally told DH how I was feeling (I haven't really talked much about this piece of it because I know that even if he was sweet and understanding he probably still wouldn't really get it. I'm not even past the 7 week mark, so why am I so worked up and pessimistic?) Anyway, as predicted, when I finally broke down (complete with tears and shaky voice) and told him that I was freaked out and feeling like my body was just broken and never going to go back to normal, he was really sweet and gave me a big long hug, but he also didn't really get it. He started talking about some study that said that women are more prone to ovarian cancer now than in the past because we have too many periods (we don't spend as much time pregnant as our forebearers because most of us only have a couple of kids, and we go into puberty sooner, and we actually live to the end of our reproductive years.) So like, yay! Not getting my period when I need it (or want it, whatever, I felt like I needed it so that I could feel like I was making some sort of progress) would be a good thing because it would lower my risk for cancer! Seriously dude. I know you love me and you try to comfort me the best way you know how, but seriously. Lame.

He did say one thing that I found kind of, I don't know, comforting. So we're talking, and I said "What if it doesn't ever go back to normal? What if I'm just broken?" And honestly, I think that question goes to the very heart of all of my anxiety over this. Good to actually say it outloud. And DH gave me this huge hug and says "That just means more gingerbread cookies for the three of us." (as in, "we don't have to split them as many ways.") Okay, weird thing to be comforted by, but it just made me realize that he wouldn't care if I couldn't have any more babies, he would be happy with the family that we have. Not that I seriously doubted that, I'm the one that always wants more babies, but it was weirdly good to hear out loud. And yes, I am happy with what we have. I have a gorgeous, funny, smart, affectionate little boy who cracks me up on a daily basis, and a gorgeous, funny, smart, affectionate man who I'm crazy about and who loves me back too. Pretty awesome. Our family is not incomplete, even if it's only ever just the three of us.

Having said all of that, after we had our heart to heart and I had my cry, I went upstairs and discovered....AF was here! Yahoo Body is not broken. Yahoo

DH was like "Really, you're this happy and excited about your period???" Yes, yes DH. I really am.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

That is comforting! I'm glad you're not "broke." Smile

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Ugh, I'm glad that it's almost the New Year. I need to get back into a proper diet and exercise routine. My baggy pants are starting to fit again. :thumbsdown: I know that I don't have to wait until Jan 1 (okay, more likely, Jan 3) to start watching what I eat and running. I could literally do it today. But I won't, so here's to Jan 3.

And while we're at it, here's to 2011. I would say that 2010 was mostly a pretty good year. And then, there towards the end, it started to totally blow. I don't know what it is about the New Year - logically there is no real change between Friday the 31st and Saturday the 1st. But it does feel like a chance to make a fresh start. It always does, and this year, it especially does. So here is to fresh starts, and making 2011 a really good year.

Hubby is turning 30 in a couple of weeks. That makes me happy. LOL!!! It's just that I've been 30 since July (and boy has he let me know about it.) I'm glad he's finally joining the club. So glad that I'm throwing him a surprise birthday party. Shhhhh. Don't tell. Wink It's been really fun so far planning the party with his sister. I've even been extra sneaky and contacted some of his coworkers by looking on the website for the school that they all work at and finding email addresses of people that he has mentioned or that I have met a few times. As my SIL said "[FONT=Verdana]Haha, good job on contacting people you've never met by looking up emails addresses that weren't given to you. Not creepy at all." LOL Love my sister in law. Whatever, every body loves being in on a secret, especially a happy secret like a surprise party.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana]That's pretty much all of my news. Other than that, just waiting to TTC I guess. Only about 3 more weeks until my next AF is due, and then we can stop preventing again. I can't tell what it means that I am so ready to be trying again. Like, does that mean that I've moved on? OR does it mean that I'm still all effed up - otherwise I wouldn't be so obsessed with pregnancy? I don't know. Sometimes I just feel really hopeful and excited to try again, and that seems healthy and okay. But then other times I feel like, I don't know, like I'm never going to feel "right" again until I'm knocked up again - like all of this time is just me clocking in the hours until I can be pregnant again. I'm pretty sure that the latter means that I'm still effed up. But does *that* mean that I am swinging between healthy normal excitement and effed up desperation, or is my "healthy normal excitement" just the same effed up depression with a more upbeat face? I don't know, but I do know that I want to be emotionally healthy when I do get knocked up again someday, whenever that happens. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana]Whatever, in the meantime, January 3 - you are mine! I'm going back to Spark People and back to running and Zumba, and back to getting teeny tiny. [/FONT]

I'm_a_pepper's picture
Joined: 10/25/05
Posts: 606

I've been meaning to write on this to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I really am sorry you had to deal with all of those issues in addition to your m/c. :bigarmhug:
I can relate to a lot of the feelings you describe. And I'm pretty sure you're not having any "unhealthy" emotions. I think any emotion is healthy when you are going through the grieving process, because I think every "sane" person goes through it differently. Some days you're going to feel like you're nuts, and some days you are going to feel like maybe you can do this.
I wish you the best with your new start! :goodluck:

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Kim, thank you so much for your kind thoughts and wise words. ((Hugs))

*****************************************************

I'm a lucky mom. I guess yesterday at daycare, some of the little girls were making bead necklaces, and Tristan insisted that he wanted to make one too - for me! Anna (his daycare lady) helped him string the beads, and when I got home last night, he presented it to me. I was so touched. What a sweet little kid. When I dropped him off this morning, Anna told me how excited he was to make me a necklace, and how mad he was when DH was the one that picked him up last night. LOL Poor DH.

Speaking of Poor DH, his surprise party is wrapping up nicely. A LOT of people (including some of his coworkers that I wrote about last time) are coming. I'm terrible at keeping secrets and acting casual though - I keep wanting to talk to him about it (like "Guess who I talked to today? Your old mentor, Alice!!!") and then remembering that, oh yeah, I can't talk about any of it or else I'll blow the surprise.

I started back in on my diet and exercise routine on Monday (me and everyone else, right?) and I have to say that it feels really nice to be taking good care of myself. I've already dropped 3 lbs, although probably most of that is water weight (you're really only supposed to lose 1-2 lbs per week after the first week or two.) I'll be a regular Skinny Minnie before you know it.

I guess that's about it. No news is good news, right? Smile

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I'm not really testing anything (in case you see my ticker and think that I think that I might be knocked up.) I'm not preggers this month unless it's some kind of immaculate conception; I had a wicked cold last week and part of the week before, and then DH caught it, so there has been no action of any kind in our house lately. S'okay, we weren't supposed to be trying this month anyway - but we should be ready to let things happen after this next AF. Hence the ticker. I know, a little dumb, but it's like a count down of sorts - only like one more week and then the cycle starts over and I don't have to wait any more. Then I can be officially TTC again. I'm looking forward to it - TTC is exciting. I liked TTC both times before, liked the fun of "trying" (heehee) and not knowing; it's a hopeful activity.

Some weirdo part of me actually hopes that it takes several months though. I know, with all that I've obsessed about it (and am still, hello false TTC ticker) you would think that I would want to get knocked up ASAP. Part of me does, it's true. But another part of me is kind of ambivalent about getting back on that ride. I don't know. I'm just trying to tell myself that it will just happen when it's supposed to happen, and not to worry about it.

In happy news, Shanna had her baby on Monday. Yahoo A little girl - Caitlin Renee. We are driving up to her house on Sunday (she lives about an hour and a half away) to go see the new baby. Can't wait!!!! And today is hubby's actual birthday. I got him a Garmin Sports watch with GPS for running that he has been wanting for like a year now, so I'm all wiggly with excitement to give it to him. And Saturday is the party (finally). I'm a terrible liar, and I HATE it. It makes me feel gross inside, even when it's for a good cause like a surprise party. I'm looking forward to the big reveal.

What else? Oooh, guess who has lost 5.2 lbs since New Years! Me! I've been exercizing like a crazy lady and really watching what I eat, so I'm only only 1.2 lbs above my pre-holiday weight (yes, I gained 6.4 lbs over the holidays. Blech - how gross is that to have eaten that much crap in like the span of a month and a half?) Anyway, I'm feeling like I'm almost back down to my fighting weight. LOL

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Guess who's on cycle day 1 of TTC? Oh yes, it's me. Biggrin Weird - I don't think I've EVER been this happy to start AF. Except maybe when I was a teenager, and AF meant that I hadn't managed to get my fool self knocked up. Lol

Speaking of AF, last time I was at the store, I knew that I was going to need tampons, so I grabbed some that were on sale without looking too closely at them. I noticed that the packaging was disconcertingly "hip" for lack of a better word (like, black with swirlies and touches of vibrant color) but who cares, they were cheap. If I had my druthers, I would just go with OB because I think that tampons with applicators are weirdly wasteful, but they were out of OB, so I just got whatever was cheapest.

Today, I broke them open and really looked at them for the first time. And first of all, the applicators come in all different colors, which is a little weird, but whatever. I don't even need an applicator - like I care which color it is. But then I noticed that the box said "Which color are you today?" Like as if girls are going to be comparing what they are "wearing". "What color tampon do you have in?" "Oh, I was feeling green today!" Ew. And it's not like the actual tampon is pink or blue or whatever, just the disposable applicator. Anyway, whatever, the tampon works just fine - I just thought that the idea of a specially colored applicator was beyond odd. Maybe I'm not their target audience.

http://www.kotex.com/na/products/u-by-kotex-click-regular-tampons/90361

While I'm just having random mind barf, you know what else I think is weird? Instant mashed potato flakes. So, I asked T what he wanted for dinner and he said "mashed potatoes and green beans." As always, his wish is my command, so I got the stuff to make (among other things) mashed potatoes and green beans.

I didn't grow up eating fresh green beans. It was canned only in my house, which is why for the first 28 years of my life I thought I hated green beans. Then one day, DH brought home some fresh green beans, and a love affair was born. I freaking love green beans (as long as they are steamed lightly, bought fresh) and T is following in those footsteps. So I got some fresh green beans. From sheer taste value, I don't know why people ruin green beans by canning them or even freezing them, but I can admit that fresh green beans aren't always the most cost effective option.

But then there are potatoes. Not to keep slamming them, but my 'rents are devotees of the instant mashed potato. Why??? Potatoes are so cheap that the grocery store practically pays YOU to take them away, and real mashed potatoes are NOT hard to make. I like a little peel on my tater, so I only peel mine about 3/4s of the way, and then I boil the crap out of them, making them insanely easy to mash with a little milk and butter. Trust me peeps, this is not hard work, and the difference in taste is a zillion times worth it.

I feel the same way about those cornbread mixes that you can buy. Why???? Take 3 minutes and mix together some corn meal, flour, baking powder, salt, and sugar. You now have a corn bread mix, because those mixes ask you to add the wet ingredients at home. How hard is it to measure out 5 dry ingredients?

Anyway, whatever, I don't even know where I'm going with this. I was just reflecting this evening about how odd it is that some "convenience" foods even exist because they suck and the real versions aren't even hard.

Okay, so wish me luck TTC. I'm charting this month to see if it helps so if charting really works, who knows. I could be expecting by mid Feb!

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Hahaha, that was a weird post. I had like 3 glasses of wine last night, and it had me rambling about colored tampons and cornbread mixes. Lol

Okay, so I'm thinking about closing this journal and starting a new one in the TTC section, or even a new one that is just here since I doubt that I would ONLY talk about TTC. I just...I don't know....this journal was started to help me through my miscarriage and I think that it really did. But having said that, a lot of it is pretty negative - sadness and grief and depression. I'm feeling so much happier and healthier now, and I don't know, I guess maybe I feel like I should close this chapter and open a new one. Like, it's kind of weird to have a journal that starts out talking about a miscarriage and ends up with colored tampons.

So, if anyone's reading this, what do you think? Start a new one? Keep the old one?

I'm_a_pepper's picture
Joined: 10/25/05
Posts: 606

I think you should do whatever feels right. I will enjoy reading about your journey wherever you decide to write about it...colored tampons and all! Biggrin

Thank you so much for your kind words about Jake as well - it really means a lot.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Thanks Kim - I was thinking about you yesterday.

I think that I'm going to go ahead and close this one and make a new one. That's what feels right to me.

Thank you, everyone who has read this and taken the time to reach out to me and let me know that you were thinking about me and share your own experiences with me. It really helped me through it to know that people cared and that I wasn't alone, and that many of you have gone on from a loss to have perfect beautiful children.

Much love,
Alissa

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