I'm Tea. I'm starting a new journal. My last one started out with one idea and I lost track of it and decided to start anew.
I just gave birth to my ninth and probably final biological baby. All of my kids have been fantatic but the one now is the best and the most perfect. I had my tube tied. I feel like a loss of creativity hit me. I don't know-- I know it didn't biologically affect me but it did a number on me mentally. I feel different and I fear that I should have had one more. Dh was as much of a dummy post partum as he always was, he didn't treat me better ("What does you having a c-section have to do with me getting the toddlers instead of zoning out on the computer?") and now I feel like it's just a matter of raising the kids and dying. Isn't that terrible?
I was supposed to get an ablation due to terrible bleeding between periods. I can't bring myself to do it. I keep thinking that I will have $16,000 laying around to get an IVF done even though if we had that much $$ we would expand the house or adopt. What on earth is the matter with me?
I feel like I am always planning something. Today I drove through a neighbourhood with half million dollar houses. The kind I grew up in. I started praying that God will let us somehow own one and be debt free at the same time. (I dream big!) I shouldn't be wanting something so lovely. If God had put the desire into my heart and the homesickness that He must have soemthing in mind for me to do to acquire it. How does one go about writing a best selling first attempt novel? (My parents have left state and now have a new half million dollar home 4,000 miles away!) I live in a sweet but shabby house with my nine children and husband.
I'm here to ramble and ***** about stupid things. I am selfish and vain. My husband has found religion. I'd like to start drinking but I am allergic to the stuff.
Christmas this year was a drag. Dh seemed to get a perverse pleasure from telling me that with my plans that I was trying to out-do God. We were supposed to have fasted and said special prayers for the 40 days before Christmas but he didn't want to, but if the wife stays up all night making a neat display, he didn't want to deviate from hi plans of going to church Christmas morning when I was showing everyone what Santa had done and falling asleep with my head in my hands? grrrr.
I want to start following the religious dictum to the letter on him and covering my hair and driving him crazy!