The Quilt

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The Quilt

The Quilt....

This is my journal, and it's currently being moved from the old place to this new place. So pretend there is a "under construction" sign here Smile

This is the spot for the first entry....

:arrow:

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Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
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Posts: 427

Posted: 2002-05-01 16:02
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Well, I know it's a very strange title for a journal, but you'll see why soon.

I'm just bookmarking this... I'll add my first entry tonight

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Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
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Posted: 2002-05-01 18:59
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Why "The Quilt"?

I was thinking about that today while driving into town. I struggle with ways to express how I feel sometimes... and even when I do find ways of expressing my feelings, it's all 'null and void' by the next day anyway! Seems like I've embarked unknowingly on another emotional ride that I don't want to be on. Maybe I was trying to explain it to myself, I do that a lot... I think a lot... sometimes too much, maybe. I talk to myself... ooh goody, maybe I do need a shrink after all

The Quilt... This is the current visualization... Picture me as being a quilt. A 27 year old, well worn and well used quilt. This quilt had a mom who loved it and still cherishes it today. A father who dragged it through hell and back, trying to tear it to shreds. This quilt has had a rough life, but it has managed to hold together fairly well. Mom has put 'patches' on it whenever she could, my favorite teacher basically sewed 'me' back together from scratch... and lately, it's been my friends on the internet, including here, who have each held a square or two of fabric, holding me together.

It seems, though, despite what everyone has contributed to this quilt, that I still manage to feel like God used non quilting thread, and I'm falling apart over and over again, unable to really get my pieces together once and for all. From afar, the quilt looks worn, but OK. At home, the quilt is walked on by two little boys who seem to seldom stop to appreciate this quilt of theirs lately... it's being ignored and neglected by a husband who takes for granted that this quilt will keep him warm, will care for him and will always be there... The biggest comfort to this quilt is a little baby girl who may chew on the quilt, but she can simply not get enough of it... the quilt, and only the quilt, will do. The quilt doesn't complain, but it needs more than it's getting in real life to keep its pieces together. The boys who walk on it wear it down... the constant caring for the baby who needs the quilt 24/7 takes its toll... and there's no one here, in this home, to throw it in the wash once in a while, patch a few spots, keep it together.

I wonder what God was thinking, sometimes.... did he use Quilting Thread? For the non-quilters, that type of thread lasts years of wear and tear, unlike basic cheap thread. If you are going to put 9 mths of work on a quilt, might as well use the very best materials, right?

There is a square for every area of my life... Brandon... Josh... Jillian... Myself... DH... Mom... brothers... father... friends... work... hobbies... happiness... sadness... marriage... finances... intimacy... identity... writing... the list goes on. This quilt has no boundaries. Each day, a few of the quilt squares see the light of day, each gets handled in various degrees.

Right now, the pieces that need the most work are marriage, identity, and Myself. I feel I've neglected my quilt square, and since this is my own quilt, my own self, I am the center piece... I fall apart, and the rest of the quilt won't hold together either. My marriage isn't all of who I am, but it's a huge part. I am married to my partner, my best friend, the father of my children. I love this man, but when problems arise, or when the marriage weakens, I suffer... when I suffer, the quilt suffers. If the quilt suffers, it fails to be able to wrap itself around the children, the friends, etc, in a comforting and effective way. That brings stress on the "myself" square, which in turn, makes this worse... As for identity, this ties in to the marriage and "Myself" squares. I am not happy with my marriage, and the issue that keeps coming up despite my trying to push it to the back burner is my identity. No, I'm who I say I am, I'm not some freak who is pretending to be someone else... I am JD, I have three beautiful children, I love ladybugs... but I have a problem figuring myself out, and I have no idea where to turn to for help in figuring it out. It's a sensitive issue, hard to explain, hard to understand... it's a volatile subject to some, offensive to others, so it's not something I easily talk about. There are no clear answers, no one holds the key either.

This goes back a LONG way. I'm talking... when I was in elementary school. I always figured that if I survived the life I'd been dealt, I would marry a man, have kids, be happily ever after married... the usual story. I had already had my share of problems with males/men... my father was sexually/physically/emotionally abusive, my older brother hated me because he figured my father preferred me (he didn't know what was going on). The boys at school were bullies and just plain hateful. I remember pulling away from all the guys in my life, and feeling a sense of comfort in the company of women. I remember watching them in awe. The teenage years were... well, hell, really, but again, I never lost that sense of wonder with women... even got curious with one of my best friends (a girl). I had boyfriends, but for screwed up reasons I don't want to get into. I think I was trying hard to fit in... and didn't think much of the fascination with women, it was embarassing. I never really clued into my feelings until the fall of 2000. Anyway, by then, I had grown up, gotten married, had kids... all was well until I got pg with Josh, my second son, in late Aug of 1997. My husband went on total withdrawal mode. I didn't get any more hugs. No more snuggles... no affection, no love, no attention, no comfort, nothing. Especially not sex, but since it was another high risk pg, I didn't miss it anyway. I figured it must have been a phase, that he'd snap out of it... once in a while, he would throw me a ray of hope, and be really kind and sweet... then nothing for months. How was I, an emotional, "touchy feely" kind of person, supposed to survive like that?

I tried my best to change things. I would go out of my way to be sensitive, to be everything I wanted him to be... "You reap what you sow" kind of theory. It didn't work. I would try to talk some sense into him, to explain how I felt... but he only saw it from his point of view. He got sex when he wanted some (about 4 times a year, on average)... he was happy... he had a wife who worked, took care of the kids, helped around the house, loved him, hugged him, and made him a home. What the heck was HE missing in life? NOTHING. So he wasn't willing to change anything, he wasn't unhappy, he was actually quite comfortable. I tried to make him understand that as a married couple, if a spouse was struggling or unhappy, the other spouse should feel a sense of duty of some sort, to help out... to do something? Yeah. Whatever. When I wanted sex and he didn't, there was no changing his mind. By the time HE wanted sex, 4 mths later, I was so starved for any kind of physical attention, that I'd cave in... if I didn't, he'd bug me for days on end... he KNEW that if I didn't feel like it, something was wrong, and he also knew that I'd give in... he always got his way. Life was always about him. I told him over and over again how I felt, what I felt was missing, how lonely I was, and how unfair it was. I went on anti-depressants. It was so bad that he knew when I'd miss a dose. Still no support, unless you consider him remind me to take my pills some sort of support.

I asked him what it was that made him so indifferent towards me... what I could do to make him love me the way he used to. He told me he loved me, but was no longer in love with me... and in the midst of this very difficult conversation, this heart to heart... I asked him what it was that I could possibly do to win him back... his "heartfelt answer"? "I think you wear gym pants too often. You should dress up more. You're overweight too, I don't find you attractive anymore."

Lovely mess.

The anti-depressants made me gain weight, and I was already 'fluffy' to begin with, and I was unhappy with myself... This answer of his made me angry, though, for many reasons. He never encouraged me to exercise, never congratulated me on any weight loss... HE always wore gym pants and has a belly on him that rivaled a 6mth pregnancy. If he was so concerned about how I looked, why not encourage me, or at least try to improve himself too... it was a double standard. He was saying "I'm fat, but it's not ok for you to be fat... and I want you to exercise and do all possible to lose weight, but don't expect me to help you, or to notice..."

MAYBE... just maybe if he'd been the husband he should have been, for better or for worse, I wouldn't have needed anti-depressants, and maybe I wouldn't have gained so much weight?

Anyway, I started walking... daily... at night, after a 3am shift. I lost 25lbs... I ditched the gym pants, started wearing dresses, started doing my hair more often, did the feminine thing... not a damn compliment, not a ounce of appreciation. Some husband. I tried my best to be more assertive in our relationship... to ask for sex when **I** wanted some... Excuse me, but when you reach into your husband's pants, and start to rub the magic wand, and he brushes you off without even looking at you, there isn't much hope... kwim? I felt hurt, abandoned, rejected, unloved, unappreciated.. taken for granted, and worthless. I resented myself for loving him unconditionally for so long when I wasn't getting the same respect from him.

I put everything I had into the kids.. and into being a mom and a housewife. I withdrew from my husband. There comes a point where you stop putting yourself in the path of the storm... just like a child who sticks his finger repeatedly in an outet... if it hurts time after time, with the same results, you stop doing it. I did some soul searching... was I happy enough to stay in this marriage? Could I actually leave him? What about the kids? I never, ever pictured myself getting divorced... I swore I would succeed at the marriage thing... I didn't want to fail.

The more resentful I became of DH, the more I realized how I felt about men in general. I was angry with DH for being one more man on a growing list of men who had ended up hurting me. He was supposed to take care of me, to love me... and he failed too. He was just like my father. I vowed that he'd be the last man to ever hurt me. I love him, but if ever something happens to him, I will NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER love another man... I won't go near another man, will never, ever sleep with another one... I won't even let another one touch me. The thought just utterly repulses me. Ironically, DH knows this, and is happy knowing that I'll never cheat on him with another man. Haaaa. Yeah, that's just great.

So.... with the feelings being so bitter towards men, I started wondering where in the world I would fill the void in my heart.. the void in my life. The need for physical love of some kind... a human touch. My kids hug me, they love me, but understandably, it didn't fill the love that you get intimately from another adult. Usually from your spouse, if you're lucky enough to have found one that loves you for who you are unconditionally. I don't know how it came about, but I began to realize how I felt about women all over again. How I had never been hurt by women as I had been hurt by men. How sensitive they were... how they were 'wired' the same way I was... they understood how I felt... loved me for who I am. I let myself accept that I'd always been fascinated and attracted to women, and against my moral upbringing, I searched for someone who could give me answers.

I found her. I met her. You could say I fell in love with her... I cared deeply about her. When I came home after spending the weekend with her, I was facing the fact that I had just found out I was pg... and I still had a husband who hadn't changed any. He was worse during my pg with Jillian than he was when I was pg with Josh. Totally NOT THERE. I was soooo sick, beyond your wildest imagination, and all he could manage to say was " I don't know how you can handle that ". He'd hand me a facecloth after I was done puking once in a while, but that was it. I lost 36lbs while pg... no compliments. I felt good, I had a really cute belly that he rarely noticed, touched, felt. It was like he didn't even know I was pg... he never asked how my appointments went. He was there at the 20wk ultrasound, and missed everything else. I never told him that I'd lost a twin in that pregnancy, he was gone that week, and I knew he wouldn't care (or show that he did), so to avoid his lack of emotional support, I never said a word.

I knew he wanted a girl... I did too. When my water broke, I told him to stay home, I'd go in, and call him from there. He said later that he didn't think 'this was really it'... he said that he felt 'nothing'... I ended up with a c-section, 4wks early, because our baby girl was breech... He was there.. he was sooo excited that we had a girl, after all these years... I was all but forgotten. He totally ignored the fact that I'd just had major surgery, 18 staples later... he didn't help me at all, or care.

He has since pretty much gotten used to the fact that we have a girl. For him, the novelty has worn off... for me, it never will. I take care of her 98% of the time. He says that he is 'tired of the baby stages'... he looks forward to the pre-school, 5yr+ stage... until then, it's up to me to take care of her, because if I don't, no one will. I DO NOT mind, though, I love her beyond life itself, and I'd do anything for her. I'd give my life for her, I would.

Things haven't changed. He still doesn't show any affection, unless I take a two week vacation... then he sends love notes via email, gushing about how much he misses me, how he can't wait to see me... blah blah blah. I get home, and it's like I haven't even been gone... nothing has changed. He says for the first two days that he's happy I'm home, but that's it. I ask to play cards with him, to spend time with him... I try to hold his hand during a scary movie, and he makes NO moves to comfort me. It's like he doesn't notice that I'm there... .a few nights ago, he made me some hot apple cider... brought it home from the store, made me a cup.. .even brought home some shrimp (after complaining --- "Do you really need some tonight???")... turns out all he wanted was sex. He'd been after me for it since I had gotten back from vacation, but I'm sorry, I just don't want to. He needs to EARN that!!!!!!!!! For more than a day. He got his rocks off, I got nothing, and he's all happy for another 4 months. Don't even get me started on the fact that he refuses to get a vasectomy even though HE wants no more kids..........

So now I'm at a cross roads.

My quilt is in BAD need of 'mending'... My marriage is nothing more than a relationship with a best friend and room mate who does nothing for me emotionally and physically... much less sexually. I have feelings for women, one in particular, and I do not know if this is the solution for my marriage... stay with this DH of mine and just get what I need from somewhere else, or spend another 7 years fighting for love and basic needs to be met... ??

Before I get 18 emails asking if he is willing to go to counselling, save yourself some time... please... he is HAPPY. He doesn't have a problem, remember? He is totally against airing his problems out to a complete stranger. It's all my fault anyway.

Hmm, wonder what he'd think of this being online?

So anyway... our 7 yr anniversary is coming up. Very bittersweet. I'm happy we've made it this far, but I'm falling apart. I am stressed out beyond belief... I'm no longer able to care for my kids in the loving, patient way I once was... I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't stop crying.

This is his last chance to do something... on a permanent basis.

Thanks for letting me 'get this all out'...
I'll be back later to see if I feel any better.

Love,
THE QUILT

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Posted: 2002-05-02 01:50
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I'm back...

I think it did a lot of good to write my thoughts out. It's of no surprise to me, I've been like that for years. Writing is a stepping stone to healing.

You should see some of the stuff I've written... yikes.

Anyway, the night was good... I had the three kids with me while DH was out at band practice, but I didn't mind, I'm liking my 'alone time' (even with three kids) more and more these days. It takes the pressure off. I did what I wanted to, when I wanted to, without worrying about a thing. I nearly burned the house down by letting the kettle boil dry, but that's life with three kids and a frayed Mommy The Quilt. So much for apple cider tonight.

Brandon's still feeling sick, so I sent him to bed... he didn't even want to get his PJ's on, and I am sure he was asleep before he even got under the covers... he wanted to sleep in my bed, which was fine with me, since the rule to snuggling in our bed is now "only if you're sick, or deathly afraid"... since it gets crowded with two kids, a baby and two adults in a queen sized bed...

I had a good chat with the Treats on Pg.Org, checked emails, chatted with Michelle, Marie & Dewey... Dewey knows the experience of having a child who isn't growing well, and we discussed how it feels, what her opinions are on the issue with Jillian, what she's gone through, etc. It helps to know that you're not alone, although I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It helps to know that Jillian gained some weight since last week too

Josh went to bed, and I got to hold Jillian while she fell asleep... that was priceless, it's rare that she lets me do that, I usually have to let her lay down, otherwise she'll fuss until I put her in her crib. I watched her eyes flutter for a few minutes, fighting to stay awake... I watched them close, little quivering smiles dancing across her lips as she gently fell into a deep sleep full of dreams. I wonder what she dreams about?

I finished chatting when Dh got home, he wanted to know if I wanted to watch TV with him, but I didn't really feel like watching TV, so I brought three loads of laundry into the living room to work on while we 'watched' TV together. He asked how the kids' night was, but not how mine was. Not a hug, a kiss, a touch, nothing. Surprise. Instead of giving the same to him and being ignored, I chose to hug my side of the sofa. The invisible quilt began to fold laundry... after a bit, I put some away, and I asked him how much longer he'd be up... he said 30 minutes, so I 'asked' if it would be OK if I took a bath, not because I need his permission, but just incase he had other plans for us? Yeah right. I threw another load of laundry into the washer... Pine Sol'd the bathroom (if any of the Treats ever read this, they're going to crack up laughing, hee hee), and filled the tub with hot water & Orange scented bath stuff a la Treats I had borrowed another book from the Library today... It is about the story of Nicholas Green... The Nicholas Effect... I got through a few chapters while bawling my eyes out. It reminded me once again how precious life is... how very precious my kids are to me, and how much I cherish them... It made me realize once again that I must NOT let DH's actions affect me as a mother, if it's the last thing I do, I will NOT let it change the mother I want to be, the mother I can be.

Another book I read recently changed the way I think about life all over again... Not that I took it for granted before, but we can all use daily reminders (like our children)... It was "Suzanne's Diary For Nicholas". What a moving story. I wish DH would read it, maybe it would inspire him to love like the characters in that story loved their loved ones... make him realize how precious life is, how good love can be. I asked him if he'd read it, explained that it would mean a lot to me... but alas, it has more words than pictures, and it isn't about cars or guitars, so he cannot fathom reading it. He didn't even ask what it was about, he shows absolutely ZERO interest in anything I do... once in a while, he tells me I should have more hobbies, but I have no room in this house for hobbies, much less "TIME". Has he ever 'babysat' for me while I scrapbooked? He encourages once in a while, but does nothing to help me... but then when he goes to band practice three nights a week, I'm left at home with three kids while he gets to leave the house, alone, without a care in the world. I'm happy for him, I really am, because I can imagine how good that would feel to get a chance to do something like that. AND, it does give me some much needed alone time.

Anyway, when I came out of the bath, I "did my face", which basically means a facial scrub and moisturizer.... I freshened up... and I went in search of Dh... he was laying down on the sofa, sleeping... and it was odd, but I felt like I do sometimes when the kids sleep, I tiptoed around in fear of waking them up, just so I could have a little more time just for me. Feels silly to feel like that about your spouse. I went and changed the sheets and blankets on the top bunk in the boys' room, as I hadn't had a chance today, since I took care of three kids from 7:30am to 10:30pm. I woke Josh up (from our bed), and got him to pee... he was dry, thank goodness. I put him up in the top bunk (we're trying it out, that's where he wants to sleep lately). I am afraid for him, since he sleepwalks and doesn't wake up easily... but so far so good. I kissed him, and spoke to him softly and gently. Just the way it should be.

I turned the computer on, and here I am... I'm wondering what else I can do before going to bed... but it's 2:54am, I really should get some sleep. I'm worried about my friend Janine... she was upset tonight, but I'm not sure why, either way, if she's sad, so am I... I care a lot about her, she's a lot like me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

There are apparently a lot of people that can relate to how I feel, or feel a connection to me, and the same goes for me... I've found an amazing amount of people here I can relate to, and feel close to. They each help hold my quilt together at times when I don't do such a good job of it.

My friends here have taught me SOOOO much... I learn new things daily, I learn about myself, about others, about life, loss, love and friendship. I learn to love myself for who I am... I've never felt as loved as I have here, (other than from Mom or my kids, that is)... I also didn't have any self esteem before I met my friends at BC, now here. I really don't understand why they love me so much, and I haven't been able to get anyone to explain it yet either... I'll keep trying.

What a nice community

I've never had so many sisters, I wonder if my mom knows that I do??! LOL!

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The Quilt

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Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
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Posted: 2002-05-02 08:51
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Good morning, I THINK?

Brandon's home again today, so basically, he will have missed an entire week of school... I have to look at it on the bright side and remember that I've spent an entire week with my son, who is usually in school, and no time with the kids should be taken for granted.

I ended up going to bed between 3 and 4am, but I couldn't sleep... I got up, did some laundry, and went to bed on the bottom bunk, with my trusty bunny & a book. I read another Chapter in the Nicholas Green story, then fell asleep. DH brought Jillian to me in the morning when she woke up, and I fed her in bed. He didn't even ask why I was sleeping there...

I don't even know why either, I feel like I'm totally withdrawing from him, and I feel myself doing it, and I can't stop. I just get repulsed at the thought of being anywhere near him right now...

The toughest thing is that we get along sooo well otherwise. We rarely, rarely fight, we laugh, we talk easily about non important issues...

I still haven't heard from Janine, and I worried about her all night. I hope she's OK, I know she'll talk when she's ready to, I just hope that everything is OK. While I wait, I pray.

The weekend creeps closer and closer... The boys are going to Mom's for the weekend, so that DH and I can "Celebrate" our anniversary. We have to bring Jillian, since she does need to eat, lol... but that's OK. I just don't know what kind of weekend it's going to be. I told DH that I was completely leaving the plans up to him, that I didn't want to know even where we were going until that weekend... that this was a test of sorts, and that he'd damn well better pass.

Part of me looks forward to this weekend, but with the way I feel about him right now, I know he's going to let me down... or worse, pretend all is fine for the weekend, and reject me once we get back home. I KNOW I plan on talking to him this weekend, but can I expect real answers, or another gym pants conversation?

My friends keep telling me to talk to him, but I've done that, over, and over, and over again, and I've never been able to reach him before, make a lasting impression... what makes anyone think that I can change his mind now, make him see me as someone he should take care of and nurture?

Mom majored in psychology, and always told me that I can't change someone else, I can only change me. If that's true, I'm done changing. I've done my best, tried everything I can think of. The ball is SOOOO in HIS court, I just don't wanna play anymore.

I also don't want to leave, I don't want a divorce, I just want to fix my quilt and make it hold together again.

Therapy -- well, writing is therapy. I have a long list of counsellors, psychologists, and even two psychiatrists, and I've only ever, ever liked ONE, and he's not available. He works with teens, and only with teens. I would do ANYTHING to talk to him right now, and have him tell me what his true thoughts are on this whole mess.

I know his email address, and we've kept in touch a few times over the years, I wonder...

Anyway, the kids want to spend time with me, and I want to spend time with them. I hope this quilt is treated gently by the boys today... and I hope I'm still 'together' enough to be comforting to them.

Love...
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The Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-02 12:14
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OK... a good friend wrote something to me this morning that gave me some food for thought. I still have to process a lot of it, think it over... but it got me thinking about some things.

I keep referring to the quilt, and to it falling apart... she wrote that I see it as a tattered, worn quilt, but that God, who made the quilt, sees it as his most beautiful work. She also said that just like I love my kids unconditionally, God loves me that way too.

So I started thinking... maybe God is the "batting" in everyone's quilt... what makes it nicer, softer, warmer, and holds all the pieces together? Maybe GOD is the thread in my quilt, I just need to get a grip on things and get sewing? Maybe there isn't batting left in it, kwim?

The batting in the quilts I make at home is all in one piece... if God was the batting in 'my' quilt, the quilt that is ME, maybe he could support all the pieces, all the quilt squares all at once, so that there aren't any that ever fall apart completely. All the squares could rest evenly on this soft cloud of support, and we could just let Him handle it all?

I believe in God, I really do... And I believe that everything happens for a reason, that all these trials that we all go through happen for a good reason, they make us grow, learn, they change who we are, but they bring us along on a journey that God intended us to be on. This has all been planned in advance... our mission should be to seek the good in all that happens.

I am just stuck right now because I don't see this marriage of mine getting any better, and I'm not sure what will fix it. If God can fix it, which I'm sure He can, as God can do anything, where has been been in the last 4 yrs where my marriage is concerned?? I feel him in my kids, my friends, my mom... everything but my husband. What does he plan on doing with my husband -- why did he bring DH into my life, but then let him turn into someone who just ends up hurting me?

Anyway, I'll think about all of this some more and come back later when my head clears a little.

I can't imagine anyone reading this entire journal... **shrugs** It feels weird to have it out in the open like this, makes me feel more than a little... uh... naked, so to speak. But, maybe it will bring a solution from an unexpected place. After all, everything happens for a reason. Destiny. God. Etc.

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The Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-03 07:42
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I've been missing in action a little bit... Brandon's still sick, had a bad fever last night, he keeps getting these fevers, all he wants to do is sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, and sleep. He has barely eaten since last Saturday, he's just skin & bones. Poor little guy! I'm going to take him to the doc this morning, he has an appointment at 10:15. Personally, I think it's mono... I hope it's nothing more serious, anyway.

Otherwise, if we could all kick this cold, we'd be doing a lot better... it's sucking the life right out of us. I feel a bad case of cabin fever happening!

I haven't had the energy to do my 'mega posts' on the Treats board, I've been reading them up like a sponge, but by the time I'm done, even though I really want to respond, I just don't have it in me... I miss my old self. I really, really do.

Dh got home around 10pm last night. Survivor was good... CSI is always freaky, but it was good, I even watched The Agency, can you imagine... THREE hours of TV in one week? I cut all the wallet sized pics, took care of Jillian, I let Josh stay up until his Daddy got home. Dh had a retirement party for his ex-boss (one that he LOVED). He said it was good, but it was really sappy, and that he couldn't take much of that... I said "I can imagine -- it's not like you're a sappy or emotional kind of guy." *grin* He made it a point to tell me he missed me all day and to give me a hug, so when I went to the store to get some munchies, I brought him back a single pack of Turtles (the chocolate kind), and he said "What was that for?" And I said "For giving me a hug when you got home, and acting like you've missed me."

He was pretty nice the rest of the night. Brandon had a fever, we both worked on him to get him to take Tylenol... you don't want to know what that was like. Brandon got to sleep in our bed again, but it's not like he's left our bed in a few days, lol. So I started out by sleeping in the bunk beds again, but I decided to go back and sleep in our bed, even though I had no pillow to myself, and barely an inch of blanket... I miss having my own spot in my own bed. Why am I the only one who ever suffers when it comes to sleep in this house?

Darn, I have to get ready to go to the Dr's...

Be back later.

_______________
The Late Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-03 11:51
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My boys are going to drive me to drink....!

Brandon went to the doc this morning, and it would figure that this is the first morning/day since last Saturday that he's felt like getting out of bed. He was climbing the WALLS at the dr's office, and so was Josh... if they weren't climbing chairs, knocking things over, fighting and hitting each other, they were giving me "Mr. Attitude".... I was SOOOOO angry with them!! Brandon doesn't have mono, but his constant fever is probably what's making him so tired. We'll wait it out a bit more. I don't care how he feels Monday, he's going to school.

I am looking forward to a break from the boys this weekend. I can't take ONE MORE minute of them! I hope that this isn't an indication of what my entire summer will be like, with Brandon home from school... I don't want to be angry with them, but it's like they were trying to rip my heart to shreds. I hope they don't grow up to be like their father.

I dropped by WalMart to pick up some of the pics from our trip to Florida, and they forgot to give me my change... I thought I had it, and I took the long way home to drop by the scrapbook store to pick up the ONE item that I needed to do some scrapbooking this weekend, and I didn't have the change on me... UGH! I am calling WalMart this afternoon, but do I feel like going back out dragging three kids with me again? NO. NO NO NO NO!
Anyway, gotta run... thanks for listening

____________________________________
The Very Worn Out Need A Break Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-03 13:30
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Somehow, for some odd reason, I feel totally calm right now

The quilt doesn't feel like there are two little boys using it for tug of war anymore!

Ahhh.... sigh.... feels good

I get daily messages from one of my very special friends, and it's amazing the difference it makes in my day. My best friend in Florida brightens my days too... I hope that she's feeling better today, she was in an accident this week, and is on bed rest, her back and neck are in pain
Then, there's my other friends here, Marie & Connie, who have been helping me enourmously lately... I don't know what I'd do without them. We have so much in common, it's strange!

I thought I was a unique quilt a while ago, and while I know that I still am unique, it's a great feeling to find so many similar quilts out there, lol!!!!!!!!

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The Not-So-Unique-Yet-Unique-Just-The-Same Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-03 16:55
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OK, this is why I don't have much faith anymore.

Mom can't take the kids this weekend. Not that DH was able to handle the simple task of making plans.

I don't know what hurts the most... that Mom let me down when she knows how important this weekend was for our marriage, or DH... I think DH, since it's not Mom's problem or responsibility anyway... but then again, Mom lives 20 minutes away from here, doesn't have any other grandkids in this province, yet she doesn't take the kids to give us a break unless we beg, and even then, it's usually inconvenient for her.

As for DH... **shrug** Maybe he's just telling me that so he can surprise me, but he wasn't supposed to tell me what the plans were until we were on our way anyway... I would be the most surprised if he made plans.
This is just like him. He knows better than to screw with my heart anyway -- he just chooses to forget that... like my birthday last year... he didn't say a single word all day, not a kiss before leaving for work, nothing to wish me a good day. He let me think all day that he forgot... then, at the last minute, he gives me a card and a gift at like... 11pm. Surprise!! The surprise was that he remembered... I told him it would have been nice if I hadn't wasted my whole day alone and wondering if he'd remember?

What if he brings home a card, should I be happy? Can I pretend?

What would God say if I left him? Would I have failed again? Is that another sin on my long list of sins? Would I be going straight to hell?

What would God say if I gave up?

_________________
JD, taking his quilt square out and stomping on it.

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Posted: 2002-05-04 23:14
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God managed to find a way to mend my quilt while I slept last night... I went out with Jillian last night, I was in a very blue mood. I wasn't angry, I was just disappointed. Mom had backed out of her plans to keep the boys this weekend. DH hadn't made any plans anyway, but we really could have used some alone time, we really need to talk. I had a good outing with my baby girl... I was feeling pretty good by the time I got back home.

It's amazing how strong the feelings still are, I think of her, and my eyes fill with tears -- happy ones -- she's such a blessing. It's not that the boys aren't, but I've waited so long to have her in my life. I could just as easily never had a daughter, but I have one, she's here, she's safe in my arms. She's everything I've wanted in a daughter, and more... even down to the red hair, the sense of humor, the tender personality. I have always felt that she was the ultimate gift... God's way of letting me know that he answers prayers. He heard me. Not only did He hear me, but He felt I deserved her... That's the biggest compliment.

She took a while to settle in for her bed time, I think she was teething (again!)... by the time she went to bed at midnight, both DH and I were absolutely exhausted... I took a quick bath, and went straight to bed... I don't even remember my head touching the pillow, and it wasn't even 1am -- a record lately

I wore up feeling like my 'quilt' had been refreshed a bit overnight. The sun was shining for the first time in a week... DH was home, the boys were feeling better, I felt horrible, my head was aching with a sinus headache, but I was happy to be home... there were so many things we could do because we were both home... it was almost like I was able to find a way to see good out of the way things turned out... yes, the boys were here, but at least DH was home to help out, so maybe we'd be able to get to the things we had been neglecting... aside from taking care of the kids, we folded laundry for a good hour, tidied up our bedroom... I called my good friend Malaika, who was vacationing in Ontario for the weekend, while I nursed Jillian. We might get together this summer when I go to Ontario When I finished the phone call, I found DH in the boys bedroom, cleaning it top to bottom... he did an awesome job -- he always does. When pushed, he does a great amount of housework... he's very effective. He took a well deserved break while I went into the kitchen to feed Jillian her snack/early lunch. She had cheerios for the first time ever!! She did great I am just so proud of her... despite being tiny and having some heart & growth problems, she's doing fantastic. She's growing up way too fast for my liking, but I'm proud of her just the same. She's such a good baby She has her moments, but I never get enough of her I called Malaika right back, and let her be the first to hear that Jillian ate Cheerios!! LOL! She thought that was pretty neat! Maybe Tyler will be next? Wink She told me that my best friend Michelle had posted something really sad -- someone that Michelle's husband (David) works with just lost their 2 yr old in a drowning accident... the mother fell asleep and their toddler fell into their pool. My heart breaks... it breaks for this family, and for the anguish that they must be going through. It also breaks for Michelle & David, who must endure another tragedy -- David's police department has been through more deaths lately than anyone should see in a lifetime. It must be taking a toll on the entire department and their families. My heart goes out to them. Michelle needs a break -- she's still recovering from her accident, and is in more pain than she was the day it happened, so if anyone is reading this, please send the prayers to her and her family. Speaking of prayers, my heart is breaking for another good friend, Liz from the Treats board... she needs all the prayers she can get right now, to mend a broken heart and to help her find strength in the relationship issues she's going through. I feel so helpless, I wish I could find a way to help them... Karen, also from our group, needs some prayers too. She's a single mom, if that wasn't hard enough, she's pretty much alone, going to school. struggling each day to find the strength to cope. May some kind of miracle show up on her doorstep soon... (((((((((hugs))))))))))))

So many aching hearts.

I called my friend Melody, she has a cold too, it was hard to hear her on the phone I made lunch, fed Jillian, and she took her nap. I was pretty tired, I laid down for a nap while DH went outside with the boys... whew... that felt great! When I got up, I realized that with the good weather, I could actually be doing some laundry and hanging it outside on the clothesline for the first time this year! What a blessing! Woohoo! I got all excited, and I ended up hanging two loads on the line... they dried within 30 minutes. Have I mentioned that we live in a wind tunnel? ROTF! I made supper, took the clothes in, we ate, I fed Jillian, boobed her while talking to Sue on the phone... I'd been really worried about her, her father just passed away, and her parents were a sweet, loving couple... her father meant a lot to her... She sounded good, they got home a few days ago... they are trying to get back into the swing of things. She and I are SO much alike! Her little guy is doing great, he's already up to 20lbs!! That's awesome! DH took Josh to his band practice spot... I had a good time with Brandon, we played board games, he beat me on Connect Four, the little bugger!!!!!!!!! I was trying to teach him how to play -- guess I won't be doing that anymore!!

I did some more housework, made the beds, put some laundry away and tidied up.. there's still so much to do... I stopped at exactly 9:55, Dh was late coming home because of Josh's "pee problem", and I helped him get Josh ready SUPER QUICK because our "date night" is a 10pm sharp... we watch America's Most Wanted every Saturday night, we rarely ever miss a show. Today was their 700th capture show, we were excited. There are a lot of really awful people out there... sad. Jillian went to bed shortly after the show started...

And here I am.

I always wondered if I had SAD (seasonal affective disorder), and after the week I've had, I barely have any doubts... it was an awful week, it rained all week, and I ... I just couldn't get a grip and get myself in gear... no energy, no strength, emotions running wild, etc. Then again, I was sick and taking care of three kids... but that's nothing new. Hmmm!

BRING ON THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!

____________________________
The Quilt that now feels like it's been hanging out in the fresh air all day

P.S. I'm going to start exercising tomorrow Maybe I can lose weight, and Jillian can gain!!

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Posted: 2002-05-06 11:03
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We ended up having a good weekend after all... the sun was shining all weekend! We hung out load after load of laundry on the line.... we went biking... I finally got a chance to wash my hair, ROTF... all good stuff!

I chatted with some friends last night really late, and one of them in particular really helped me feel better about certain issues that I'm dealing with, mainly my feelings towards men vs. my feelings towards women, how God might feel about that... just stuff like that. She didn't know how I felt, and knowing that she's very understanding and accepting makes me feel a lot better.

Brandon's at home again today -- ugh... this morning, it was an ear ache, but, he seems better now (his ear, anyway), but he hasn't moved off the sofa all day. He was fine yesterday... He's coughing up a storm -- his ear problem might have been due to sinus congestion?

Josh.... he's been peeing the bed and peeing non-stop in the day ... again. He was doing SO good in Florida, and here we go again... Dh had the pleasure of finding out what an outing with Mr. Pee Every 20 Minutes is like. And he wonders why I've been stressed?
On the off chance that it might be a stress/psychological issue, I'm going to see what I can do about spending even MORE time with Josh, and really talking to him this week.

I might take the kids biking this afternoon if Brandon's up to it... I had a great time yesterday, and I want to do some sort of 'active' activity every day. We can go check the mail -- it's a good bike distance from here.

I just realized that today is our anniversary... 7 years. Wow. I got DH a card and a board game, in hopes that we can play games together more often, like in "family game night", but although he looked happy about his game, and thought it was 'neat', he has refused to play so far. I can only try so much, kwim? He never wants to do anything with me.

Well, I have to run, I have to bring the laundry in and get another load on the line before making lunch... then, maybe we'll see if we can get outside for some fresh air

Love & Hugs,
_____________________________________
The ever busy Family Oriented Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-06 18:48
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Wow, he made an effort... he brought home some Chinese food, and he brought home a movie... the amazing, shocking part, though, is that he brought home a movie that I would enjoy, not just some action/horror/guy flick that would repulse me.

Hmmmm, I'm impressed! Blum 3

I'll be back tomorrow. Stay tuned

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The Shocked Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-10 01:15
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My idea of a perfect day...

Hmmmm...

I know!!

A 36 hour day!!!!!!!!

Wouldn't that be just peachy?

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Posted: 2002-05-10 16:34
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I really, really miss having time to write here, I feel a definate difference when I don't write things out.

I hope to get some time soon, but the baby has been teething, and just crying, and crying, and crying... I think I'm about to cry, but, I'm going to try to think positive -- I am lucky to have her -- her going through this is better than not having her at all, right?

DH is at band practice, and he is telling me that I should try to get a hobby too, I'd like to know what he'd think of my scrapbooking at 3am, because it seems to be the only time to get some 'me' time lately. He thinks that having to keep an eye on Jillian while scrapbooking for one hour a week is going to dissolve all my problems and fustrations. Yes, scrapbooking is great, but when you are able to spend more time at it than it takes to get ALLLLL your stuff out, then putting it alllll away. I'd love to have some kind of system to organize my stuff, but it's so expensive, I'd rather get more stuff/tools to actually scrapbook.

My fav scrapbook store is finally online!!

http://www.scrapbookyourmemories.ca/index.html

The girl that works there, Jodi, is as sweet as honey. She's so funny! I can't think of anywhere else I go where I walk in, and someone greets me by name. It's weird, but nice.

I have something that I feel I'll be getting off my chest soon, but I'm still struggling with my emotions on it, so I'll hold off for a few more hours, maybe a few days. It's about my mom. In light of so many friends losing parents and grandparents, I'm trying hard to remember to be thankful, but she is really managing to let me down lately, and I just keep getting lost in 'her' shuffle, and I .... ugh.

Anyway, gotta go, baby needs fresh air.

Love,
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The Still Wishing For A 36hr Day Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-10 18:25
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Do you ever wish you could just press 'Pause' and put life on hold for a while until you get a little more caught up?

I think half of my stress and anxiety comes from feeling like time is whooooshing past me at an alarming rate, and I just can't catch my breath for a second without running behind even more... it's fustrating. I am enjoying life a little, sometimes, but for the most part, I'm just rushing through it. I can't do everything, I've always known that, but it feels like I'm accomplishing too little lately, not enough me time, not enough one on one time with the kids, not enough time at all for anything. There isn't enough time in the day.... and no one in my real life seems to understand that.

DH is at band practice again. He was there Wednesday night too. And he enjoys it so much, he's so much happier these days. It's great for him, and I reap some benefits too, but it's fustrating. I get to hear him go on and on about it, then in the same breath, he tells me "You should do more scrapbooking, or cross-stitching, etc... you need some time for you too..." And I stare at him like he grew three heads, and say "That's nice, honey, but who will keep an eye on the kids? Who will feed Jillian? When will I get to do this?" And he just doesn't get it. He told me "Well, I'm not stopping you, just go out and do it " And once again, I ask him how he thinks this is remotely possible? The scrapbook store has a weekly scrapbooking get together -- on nights he has band practice -- and, even if he didn't, who is going to watch the kids for me? I don't have a babysitter, I might as well not have any family around here (more on that later), and he won't help with Jillian when I am home, refuses to, so what makes him think that I'll be comfortable leaving her with him, when his idea of 'taking care of her' is putting her in her crib the minute she fusses? He thinks feeding her is too much of a chore, he hasn't fed her yet.... he just doesn't 'feel like it'. I love the support I get **heavy sarcasm**... it really makes it possible for me to have a life.

I know that many of my friends have lost parents, recently or years ago, and I know that I should be grateful that I have a mom who lives nearby... but I'm having difficulties feeling grateful lately, and I need to get those feelings out before they get to me. As I had stated in my journal last week, Mom had promised to keep the kids so we could get a break, and then she backed out. She's always going on and on about how I should take a break from the kids, do something for me, go out with Terry more often without the kids, etc... she 'knows' how important it is -- she should, she had four kids -- etc... She goes on and on about her 'awesome grandkids', how they're doing 'this', and 'that', and what they're up to, talks to all her friends about them, brags about them in emails to everyone, acts like they are sooo important to her... yet, she can't make it a priority to spend any kind of quality time with them. There is ALWAYS something more important than being with them, or giving us a break. I hate to complain, I feel torn because I KNOW they are OUR kids, not hers, but they ARE her grandchildren!!! DH reminded me recently of her "retirement" speech -- she stated to the entire audience that she was thrilled to finally have time off so she could spend more time with her grandkids. She sees them less now than she did before she retired. I ask her when I can expect to bring the kids over, and she says... "Oh, well, let's see... Tues-- No, actually, maybe... uh... Wednesday after such and such might be good... but then if so and so... well, then if not, maybe two Sundays from now, but only if...." Should I call her secretary and make arrangements to be penciled in? And even if I made those plans, she'd only back out, or suddenly get all tired out... which is another beef of mine. I'm tired too -- but when my family needs me, I make it a priority. Wether it's when my brother needs a drive, or whatever. Maybe she wouldn't be so damn tired if she stopped running the roads all week, and spent more of her "retirement" at home?

She wants to know if I'm coming over to her Mother's Day BBQ brunch, but honestly, I don't feel like going. I haven't talked to her since last Friday -- DH asked her to keep an eye on JUST Brandon for 2 hrs tonight, and she said no, she had plans to go out. I know she has every right to have a life too -- but shouldn't that life include her grandkids?

Maybe it's just me -- but my mom lives 20 minutes from here, 16 minutes if I'm driving... and she comes here twice a year. Am I being selfish for wanting her in our lives a little more often?

OK, vent over -- but only because I have to feed Jillian -- again.

Love,
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The Family-less Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-10 19:05
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Fed Jillian, inhaled supper... Josh wants to spend time with me, it's already 8:13, Dh and Brandon aren't home yet... I can't find the soccer ball to play with Josh (It's the ONE thing he wants to do with me)... Jillian needs to be washed up, changed, dressed and snowsuited to go outside... ugh. So much for Josh's 8:30pm bedtime.

I'm listening to Bob Carlisle on the CD player, really loud, but not enough to harm anyone's fragile ears... it's about the only thing saving my mind right now.

Gotta run... where the heck do I start first?

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Posted: 2002-05-10 21:56
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Well, I figured it out -- Gave Josh the vaccuum cleaner and told him to attack any Cheerios left anywhere in the kitchen while I get Jillian undressed in the bathroom while pouring her bath... I bathed her, got her dressed in her PJ's, dried her hair, found Josh's shoes and jacket and he put them on while I put her snowsuit & hat on, and an extra blanket since she just had a bath, then we went out... couldn't find the soccer ball. Turns out that Brandon decided this morning that he'd bring it with him in the truck, so he could look at it on his way to school.... ****groan**** Dh KNEW (because I told him last night) that I wanted to play soccer with Josh today! **sigh** Anyway, we went out, but Josh was cold, so we came back in... I let him wear Brandon's cleats to make him feel better. I fed Jillian and she went to bed an hour earlier than her usual bedtime, so prayers answered, I went to get my scrapbook stuff.
I asked Josh to 'help' me, which makes him feel pretty grown up... he loves to 'scratchbook'.

Dh got home around 10pm with Brandon. Get this.... He brought me a popsicle!! That was really, really nice of him -- he even got a grape one for Josh, his favorite!! He must have taken his 'nice pill' this morning.

I'm off to scrapbook a little more, I'm on a roll....

Love,
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The Scrappin' Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-11 00:30
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I did it!!!!!! I scrapbooked for an entire evening! Well, OK not the WHOLE evening, but from 9-11:30ish, and then from 1-1:30am!!

Neat, eh?

AND, I really like the pages I'm making! It was getting bad -- I taught my neighbor how to scrapbook, and she was doing better pages than mine... ROTFLMBO!

I'm going to bed - happy

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Happenin' Scrapin' Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-11 01:03
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OK... one last thought before going to bed. I have a new acronym (sp?)... RM = Room Mate... aka DH...

I like special days. I like holidays. I like Mother's Day the best, it's more important to me than a birthday, because being a mom means the most to me.

Do you remember what it felt like to celebrate Valentine's Day at school when you were younger? Do you remember waiting, hoping, praying that someone special would remember you? Would you get a Valentine from HIM? The guy all the girls in your class liked... the one with the bluest eyes, third seat from the left.... ahhh, yes, that one!

I still like holidays and special days, but less and less so... Mother's Day and Birthdays are the worst for me, because as much as I don't care about 'getting' something from him, I know that it's one way to express how much you care about that person, and I always feel anxious when those days creep up, wondering, hoping, trying not to think about it too much, pretending that I don't care... but deep down, I get my hopes up that he'll do something thoughtful and special, and then I start worrying that I'll get my hopes up and regret it... that once again, he'll let me down. Why do I do that to myself? I think it's because it's my only way of measuring wether or not he really cares about me, wether or not I'm special to him. I know how my friends feel about me -- they probably give me way too much credit, but I love my friends very, very much, I only wish I could do more for them, be there more for them, spoil them rotten, lol... but DH... I don't feel that from him, I've stopped trying, because it seems to make little difference. I got him something for our anniversary, and it's been all but forgotten. I don't feel that my efforts were appreciated... And I don't feel that he really cares what he does either. It's sad. Really sad.

Mother's Day is Sunday, and I don't expect much, if anything, because money's tight (story of my life), but maybe he could make a card with the kids, or have them draw me a picture, or bring me breakfast in bed.... or let me scrapbook all morning while he looks after ALL THREE kids...? That wouldn't cost anything, but coming from him, it would be worth a million smiles -- because there's effort, thought and planning involved. I don't even know if he remembers that it's Mother's Day. What if he doesn't do anything because he thinks that I expect something, and figures there's no point in trying because we "don't have the money?" He should know me better than that by now -- actions speak wayyy louder than anything money could buy -- but he doesn't understand that yet - I've been trying to teach him that for 7 yrs. What if he waits until 11pm once again to acknowledge what day it is?

So I'm going to try to find a distraction this weekend, enjoy the kids, be the best 'quilt' I can, and try not to think about Sunday.

Think it will work?

Maybe !

Oh... one more thought.

Have you ever felt totally, completely, utterly in love? Madly in love? I mean, walking around and feeling as though the air felt fresher, cleaner, the sun brighter, the colors deeper... the sky a sweeter shade of blue, the people happier, worries lighter, smiles sneaking up on you more often... You think of that someone, and your heart skips a beat, your knees weaken, your entire soul tingles with excitement? You can actually feel your blood pumping harder... Love can do all that. What an incredible, amazing, fantastic way to live life.

I hope everyone has felt that way at least once in their lifetimes. I'm lucky.

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Peekaboo!

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Posted: 2002-05-12 08:46
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Happy Mother's Day to myself, my mom, and all my friends

It's 9:43am, all three kids are up, I'm still in my PJ's, and DH is... sleeping. How lovely and thoughtful of him.

The day is young... right?

Yesterday, I mentioned to DH that I really wanted to get a new scrapbook 'book', a top loading one, and he said "just get one", and I explained that I wanted to, but that I hadn't because I'd rather get stuff to scrapbook with and do pages with instead, that they were kind of expensive, etc... and he said "Well, since I'm such a lazy bum and all, and that I haven't bothered getting you anything for Mother's Day, why won't you go out and get yourself one?"

OK, this isn't quite what I had in mind for a Mother's Day surprise... but I did go out yesterday and get myself a book (and a few other things to make up for the way he 'handled' Mother's Day this year)... I LOVE my new book!!!! I love that I was able to pick it out myself! It kind of makes up for the fact that he was a lazy bum about the whole thing. I'd rather this than something I didn't really need, right?

I scrapbooked last night until 1am, got a page done, start to finish, probably a first for me...! I organized my stuff a little more, I think... When I was done, Dh was sending me vibes that he wanted to spend time with me, he did all the things he usually does when he wants ... uh... well, you know. I haven't been in the mood for quite some time, and I don't think I'll be in the mood for years at this rate, but I just wanted to see what would happen. I told him I'd take a quick shower and be heading to bed soon... he said he was going to bed, but he hung around, waited, followed me around like a lost puppy, all the things he normally does when he wants something... and we got to bed, he said he hoped tomorrow's (today's) weather was nice again, said Happy Mother's Day, barely finished that sentence, and he was asleep.

Nice.

He's still sleeping.

If I had known, I would have kept scrapbooking.

He can be such a waste of effort sometimes.

Anyway...

I think that giving my mom the cold shoulder and silent treatment, as hard as it was to do, worked. I think she understands, finally.

I ended up making her a Mother's Day present, rushed, last minute, but nice just the same. I hope she appreciates the effort, time and money that went into it. We've been invited to her yearly Mother's Day get together at her place, this year, it's a brunch BBQ... DH doesn't want to go. He's still upset with her. Lovely. Mom wants to go out with just Jillian & I for supper, three generations of GIRL power! Sounds good. Could be interesting.

Anyway, I have to go change Jillian's bum, since there isn't anyone else in this house who knows how to. Or so it seems.

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The Mommy Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-14 23:12
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I'm back... I've been trying to squeeze in some time to write here, I love being able to keep up with the journal -- I find it really helps gather my thoughts.

Mother's Day turned out fairly well, despite RM's lack of ... husband skills. He woke up around 10:30, insists that he didn't hear me/us, despite my trying to get him to wake up and help out. He keeps saying I'm tense and stressed, but he does nothing to make anything easier for me, instead, he adds to my stress... and then he speaks to me as though I'm the one failing, because I feel stressed out around him. I'd like to invite him to spend a day in my shoes... but it would kill him.

Anyway, I had to finish getting Mom's gift together, dress myself, Jillian, Josh, and Brandon, get us all ready, pack Jillian's food, diapers, juice, etc... and be out of the house by noon. He helped put the back on Mom's gift, then spent the rest of the morning hanging around doing absolutely NOTHING to help... couldn't he have waited until we left to do 'nothing'? He had at least 5 hours to himself that afternoon... the least he could have done to thank me for giving HIM a break with the kids, was to help me get them out the door.... **sigh**

A woman would have understood that. You'd never have to ask her twice, she would have already been helping.

Anyway, the BBQ Brunch at Mom's was great... I did the BBQ'ing, which to me is hilarious -- there were three 'men' in that house, and none of them know what to do with a BBQ... We had chicken breasts (hhmmm, I didn't know chickens had boobs), and the usual stuff. Mom made cheesecake, I'm sure I gained 8 lbs. Oh well. I gave Mom her gift, made her sit down, close her eyes, the whole bit... and it took her breath away... she cried, she couldn't talk, it was pretty emotional, and pretty special to know that I had made her a gift she liked so much.

She let me take a nap while she took care of the kids, and I slept sooooooooo soundly, it was unreal!! I was asleep by the time she walked to the kitchen after tucking me in Wink It's amazing how much better one can sleep when one doesn't have to keep and ear and eye open incase the kids need something... here, at home, RM sleeps like there is no tomorrow, nothing, and I mean NOTHING wakes him up, so I always have to keep on alert, because I know I can't depend on him (hmmm, surprise) ... anyway, to keep this relatively short (too late, ha haaaa!), I slept great... didn't hear a thing, dreamt like a baby, slept like Jillian Wink

RM picked the boys up a while after 6pm, took them to band practice, and Mom, Jillian and I took off to Ponderosa. I love the salad bar... Jillian hated their high chair, but Mom got to play Grandma (finally) and Jillian had a great time with her... she was a bit fussy, I think her shoes were bothering her... oh well, it was great

We picked up the boys afterwards, RM stayed behind at band practice, and I headed home with the kids after dropping mom off.

We roasted marshmellows at the kitchen table, on the candles. That's the kind of mom I really am, any given day. RM would NEVER do something fun and silly like that... Gosh no... Being a mom is my life... my kids are my life. Life's too short to be as anal as he is about things.

The kids finally went to sleep around 10pm (whew), and Jillian was restless after I laid her down, so I picked her up, and, this has to be the best thing about motherhood...

I watched her eyes flutter until they closed, and until she fell fast asleep... that has to be the most peaceful feeling in the world. Life rarely slows down enough in this house to get a chance like this, and Jillian rarely lets you hold her while she falls asleep, she wants to be in her crib, or else, lol...

SIGH... I was too tired to do anything else, I watched Law & Order, then fell asleep.

Monday was good... I was really busy with the kids. Picked up Boo after school, wrote a huge customer service letter to the grocery store for ticking me off the other day, dropped it off, picked up two or three things we were out of. Went to Radio Shack, and discovered that batteries for my camera are cheaper there... woohoo! Went to the bank to pick up something mom had forgotten there. Went to Bulk Barn to look at cake pans (rentals) to make the birthday cake order I got for next weekend, and to look for one for Josh, his b-day is in a few weeks.

Went to bring all the recycling items to the recycling center... went to the craft store, then the scrapbook store... then headed home.

This took us LESS than two hours, with TWO kids... I felt like a pro... ROTF

Came home, grilled pork chops on the BBQ, threw a pasta salad together, cooked some rice... RM came home, we finished supper, he took Jillian for a walk while Brandon played outside, I stayed in the house, because Josh was napping. I chatted with a friend I hadn't chatted with in MONTHS, I've missed her sooo much. Did some stuff around the house, filled out forms for Brandon for school, etc... don't remember anything else...

Woke up this morning, took a shower, (GASP)... got up and ready before RM, but Brandon's school trip was cancelled, due to the rain storm and gale force winds we were having. The power kept flickering.. ugh.

Hung out at home all day... did housework, (pine sol'd the bathroom, yeehaw!), fed baby girl, changed three hundred diapers (OK, exagerating, but it sure felt like it)... RM disappointed me by not getting home until 7 with Brandon, and not calling...

Ate supper, did homework with Boo, worked on getting the kids to bed... that took a few hours. Put all the photos in the albums, we hadn't done so since Christmas. I say 'we' liberally, RM hasn't even looked at the photos, much less put them in an album. I'm not so sure he can handle that either. Must be a man thing.

Anyway, that's my life in the last few days. Tomorrow's going to be even busier. SIGH...

And RM WONDERS why I'm tired sometimes?

I'd like him to spend a day ... wait... a WEEK in my shoes.

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Posted: 2002-05-15 00:04
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That's my friend and I, PM'ing each other daily Smile

PEEKABOO!

Just something I saw that cheered me up Wink

NO, I still love ladybugs the best, but damn, these are cute!

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Posts: 427

Posted: 2002-05-19 09:18
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Wow, I've really been missing in action here... I've missed writing, but have been having a hard time finding time. There is a good reason for that -- I've been scrapbooking every day... it's amazing how good it feels to have something to call your own -- but I do miss my friends online, since I haven't been able to be online as much. Trying to curb my addiction Wink

Anyway, 'nuff about all of that.

I don't think this will be a very long entry, RM is already getting cranky with me for being online. He spent ALL DAY online yesterday... but what's good for the male around here isn't good for the female. Funny, I don't complain about the things he does... if he's online all day, so be it, I don't care. I can take care of the kids, clean, scrapbook, do whatever I want, and he's not in my way. A lot of women wouldn't agree, but his freedom equals freedom for me.

I have been feeling totally great lately about the whole thing, and I've discovered why. How you look at things can greatly affect how you feel, how much fustration you feel... the list goes on. Let me explain how this has changed my happiness level around here...

When I look at 'DH' as someone who is my husband, I get fustrated because he's not there for me emotionally, he's not nurturing, he's not intimate, he lets me down all the time as a husband. He can't express himself, he takes me for granted, I don't feel valued... the list goes on. You only have to imagine how horrible it feels to live day to day feeling like you're alone, even though you're married. BUT... Although at first I was joking (yet serious) about him being a 'room mate', I did some serious thinking this week, and trained my brain to think of 'DH' differently. If I consider him to be my room mate -- which isn't hard to do, since we are totally like room mates, then why would I get fustrated if he isn't intimate? Who in their right minds would want to get intimate with their room mate? I don't expect him to help with the kids, he's the room mate -- why would my room mate help me with MY kids? Don't get me wrong, he does help with the kids... especially since I've been treating our relationship like he's the room mate, not the husband... maybe he's feeling guilty? Maybe he thinks I'm upset or something? I don't know... I've yet to figure it out. Since these changes, he's fed Jillian TWICE! Things seem to be... "lighter" around here!

There are moments, like this morning, for instance, where he's doing some housework, and I'm taking my time getting to it (having breakfast at the computer before he hogs it all day), and he's really being uptight about it... maybe he's jealous? But what about last weekend, Mother's Day, no less, when he slept in while I took care of the kids? What about the rest of the day when I cook the next two meals and take care of a baby for the day -- while he does HIS own thing?

Anyway... just to let you know how things are going on the homefront.

I'm happier and more stressfree than I've been in YEARS... and it's been great for the kids, I find I'm a better mom this week to them. Less stress and fustration.

I'll be back later to talk about the kids... especially Josh (and Jillian too, since this has been an EXCELLENT week for her!!!!)

Gotta run...

Love,
___________________________________
The "It's all in the perspective" Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-22 03:14
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Hello again...

It's 3:22 am, I've tried going to bed twice already, I just can't sleep. I'm a little bit tired, but not nearly enough to fall asleep. I'm bored, lonely, and just not in the mood to sleep

I just have too many things I want to do, but never enough time in the day to do them, kwim? I wrote a few more thank you cards today, and the guilt of not having gotten to them sooner was on my mind all day... and, after writing them, I discovered that we don't have any more printer paper... and I still have many of them to do! I'm going to WalMart tomorrow to pick up some paper. That should help -- but I feel guilty about not MAKING the time to do them... I am not complaining, I'm very grateful for all the things people have given to us and done for us, I just wish I had more time, so that I could have sent them already... People deserve an efficient, prompt response! Speaking of which, I'm way behind in emails and notes to my friends... another huge guilt trip! I feel like things are just slipping through my hands, that I just can't seem to get a grasp on doing everything promptly! Maybe it's because three kids and a house take a lot of time? I don't know... I think a big part of it is that we've been spending a lot of time outdoors, and I've been spending a lot more time scrapbooking, which is great... but I don't want my friends to feel that they mean any less to me just because I'm not writing as often, does that make sense? Tell me, am I losing my mind?

Anyway... I wonder sometimes if DH/RM reads this journal... he's been acting really sweet, and has been really patient and helpful lately. I don't know what's gotten into him. Absolutely NO intimacy at all, but it really seems like we've hit a point where at the least, we're at peace with the way things are. Maybe he senses my lack of fustration with him lately? He's trying hard to be considerate and kind. I like that. We had a wonderful day last Monday! He had mentioned that he wanted to go to band practice in the afternoon, so I suggested that he drop the kids and I at Rockwood Park, so that I could spend the afternoon there with them. I didn't ask him to come with us, because I'm tired of being rejected, I just assume he doesn't 'feel' like going, since he has never 'felt' like going anywhere with the kids and I (somewhere FOR the kids) in years. The next thing I know, he's putting the kids bikes, AND our bikes in the truck... he got all the helmets, Jillian's carrier, everything! I boobed Jillian, got her packed, and we all left... I was shocked. I brought both the digital cam and the APS cam, we had a great time. The conversation was light and pleasant... no stress

I explained what I wanted to do there (feed the ducks, go to the squirrel tree, see the horses, go through the trails, and visit the playground), and I thought for SURE he would argue. Not a word! He never said a word, never complained...

What the hell has happened to my husband?

I'm not going to complain, but he does scare me... What's going through his head? What's with the near-complete turn around? The cable service was out in our neighborhood Monday night, and what does he suggest??? That we play UpWords!!!! The game I bought him for our anniversary -- the very same game that I'd asked him to play a number of times, and got turned down. We had a great time, laughed our butts off!! We came up with the craziest words... he beat me, but I got the most points in one turn (30), which was nice

Sometimes, I get bummed out, because it's always when HE wants to do things that we do them... some of it is changing, though. Like the Rockwood Park trip -- if I had suggested that two weeks ago, he would have rather curl up with a skunk than join us. However, he invited himself along this time! That's great! I think that in a lot of ways, he seems more ... what's the word... uh... considerate of my thoughts, needs, wants... He seems to consider my feelings a bit more. That's totally new.

It's great... but again, he scares me when he does that. What's gotten into him? I am very, very skeptical when it comes to this relationship. He can't possibly spend FOUR long, hellish years ignoring me and neglecting me, and doing a near complete turnaround in less than two weeks...?

How would that be possible?

Is this a good thing, or a bad thing?

I'm still reserved, but I am noticing the changes and appreciating them while they are there. Part of me knows from experience that they won't last. He has crushed my heart way too many times to earn my faith in him in less than two weeks.

Anyway...

Jillian is doing great! I sat her on the floor the other day, and for the first time, she sat with her back straight, holding her hands up a little! She normally 'folds' in half and props herself up with BOTH hands planted solidly on the floor, lol! I got it on camera too, which was great! She's teething quite a bit, still no teeth, but she chews on everything, including on me when I'm trying to nurse her. I have a nipple that's about to fall off...

We got GREAT NEWS last week at her Dr's appointment! She gained again, she's now up to 13lbs 6oz!!! WOW! And 26.5 inches in height, which is another 1.5 more than two months ago The doc said that her heart murmur is completely GONE, which is what she credits this growth 'spurt' to! She said that it's quite likely that her hole has closed up, making her heart take a break and making her grow I got the answer to her skin on her arms/hands/legs/feet being purple often, it's called Reynauds Phenomenon/Syndrome, and it's probably harmless. It's usually something that is worse in adults, the Dr. said that it's not often that babies show signs of it, but that seems to be what it is. Anyway, she's doing great, she's growing, her heart is fixed... what a relief! I was soooooo excited the first few nights after her appointment that I barely slept!

Josh... he's struggling with being the middle child, I think. He's off into his own little world, and it's really hard to bring him back to the real world sometimes. He does as he pleases, and there's not many ways of getting through to him. He is a very, very sweet boy, but he's like a tornado around here. He flutters from room to room, leaving a TRAIL of debris and messes like you've never seen before in your lifetime... since our trip to Florida, he's been peeing standing up, much to my horror... If you're wondering what the big deal is about that -- picture a child who pees every hour. Picture a child who also sleepwalks, and needs to pee at night. Picture a child whose head is so often in the clouds, that he doesn't even know you're in the room next to him. Picture that child concentrating on what he's doing when he's peeing standing up... Do YOU think the pee goes in the toilet? I'm at my wits end with this issue, I really am. I'm NO Martha Stewart, trust me, but I strongly dislike going into the bathroom to pee and finding ... surprises... all over the seat, floor, and mats every time. What kills me the most, though, is that this could have been avoided. Someone taught him to pee standing up, against my wishes and even though I insisted that they didn't do that... and that's how the nightmare began. Before that, he was my pride and joy as far as sitting down to pee.

He can also be a very ... how shall I say this without making him feel bad, making myself feel worse... unclean little boy. A runny nose must be his favorite symptom of having a cold -- free flowing snacks. He eats not with his mouth, but with his entire face. Let's see... "Did you flush the toilet, Josh?" "YES!!" he replies with a huge SIGH of annoyance. I go to check and find all kinds of cute presents in the toilet. "JOSH!!!!!!!!!! Come here IMMEDIATELY!" I get an annoyed and snarky "WHAT?!?!?!?!" in response, huffing and puffing. I point to the toilet, and ask him to tell me the TRUTH when I ask him if he flushed it. He just doesn't get it... he keeps saying he flushed it, when I KNOW he didn't... Here comes the kicker -- I also ask him if he wiped his bum afterward. "YES!!!!" is his sarcastic reply. I point out to him that it must have been magically disappearing toilet paper, or invisible wipes or something, since there aren't any in the toilet. I also ask him if he at LEAST washed his hands with soap? "YES!!! **GROAN**" He is getting totally impatient with me. I check the soap... dry as a piece of burnt toast. I am nearly at the point where I'll be needing a wig -- I am pulling my hair out! This goes on ALLLLLLL day.... over and over and over and over and over and over again!

Someone PLEASE explain to me the reasons why a four year old can not comprehend that his hands must remain outside his pants at least a few minutes at a time, a few times a day? This boy has BOTH hands stuck on where the sun ALWAYS shines, 24/7. I CRINGE at the thought of him playing with Jillian, I mean... he never has clean hands!!!! EVER!

It's mortifying! I love Josh to bits, I don't play favorites between him and Brandon, but Josh is my sweetheart -- however, I've been having a really hard time relating to him lately -- I just don't understand what it will take to work through these issues... I can NOT afford to spend my entire day following him around the house and making sure he shuts a door after he's done, or shuts the drawer when he gets what he needs out of it... and anyway, it would be a wasted effort - tell him something 6429 times, and he still does it "his" way the 6430th time. I'm afraid that he's becomming a complete nightmare now that Jillian's crawling... I can vigilantly check the floors when it's her playtime, but unless I follow HIM around all day, will I see the marbles, the legos, the pieces of paper, the small toys, the elastics, the.... Beyond that, he's just a constant mess waiting to happen, and he just doesn't care. He'll pee all over the toilet seat, turn around and leave. He'll drop juice on the floor, turn around and walk away without thinking twice about it. He won't even say "oops, MOM, can you help me, I had an accident with the juice..." Nothing! He'll open the pantry and leave it open, he'll leave the water running on the FEW occasions that he's forced to wash his hands... he can NOT complete ANY tasks without being harrassed for hours on end... "Josh, please get dressed. Josh, DRESSED, NOW! JOSH, go to your room, GET DRESSED... JOSH, I ASKED YOU TO GET DRESSED, YOU WILL GET DRESSED! JOSH... JOSH!! You are still in your PJ's, we need to go, GET DRESSED NOW! JOSH, here are some clothes... underwear, socks, pants shirt... you know how it works, PUT THEM ON!!!!!!!!" 6pm, Dh gets home from work... OK, realistically, it would be about 7pm... and Josh is still in his PJ's... I think DH must wonder if I even try, or what the heck it is that I do all day... and that makes my blood boil.

What the HELL am I supposed to do with him? He's the lasiest, most distracted child I've ever, ever met. Other than my brothers... Oh God... no, not one of those.... Uh-oh...

I mean, I'd LOVE to spend more time just playing with him, quality, Mommy-Josh time... but after spending my entire waking hours on his ass to wash his hands, sit down to pee, flush, wipe, clean up his toys, his mess, his spills, shut his doors, drawers, windows... get dressed, get dressed, get dressed... If he'd just take those 7 hours off of my day, I'd have 7 hours to spend with him... kwim?

He's turning into a monster!!!

On the other hand, he can be the sweetest, most loving, helpful little boy.... he LOVES his sister, is becoming a wonderful big brother -- he plays SO well with her, and worries about her constantly -- he asks if she can play with this, or that... or if she's hungry, etc. He gives her toys, talks softly to her... dream child!!! He picks flowers for me, gives me hugs and kisses... he's angelic at times... but when he loses that halo under his bed somewhere... watch out!

I just want my son back... I just want a little bit of order in this chaotic world of his... I'd like to know what's inside his head, and how we can meet halfway. He's becoming a little spoiled, because I just don't have the time to devote my entire day to JUST him and his problems, kwim? I mean, I have a baby to take care of too, a house to clean... and him to spend time with. If I waste all my time reminding him of what he needs to do, what time is left for anything else? God did a great job making mothers, but where are the other extra 24 hours in a day he was supposed to give to us to get ANYTHING accomplished?

As for me, well... I'm here, aren't I? 4:23 am and I can't sleep.

I'm totally sexually fustrated! I don't want DH to go anywhere near me, it just gives me the chills even thinking about it, yet, I'm lonely, I'm in serious need of a tender touch, intimacy or some kind, nurturing, something. I just don't want it from him anymore. And that seems to be just fine with him, since he hasn't gone anywhere near me since sometime in February.

My head is here, working 24/7... my heart is with my kids, of course, but it's also out there, walking around somewhere... it's just not here. There is something that brings it happiness other than the kids... something that brings it love -- but that very something is something that the heart shouldn't have... shouldn't want... shouldn't need... but does anyway.

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The Insomniac Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-23 14:20
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Tomorrow is Josh's birthday. Why is it that when his birthday rolls around, I have absolutely nothing planned, ever? I want him to feel special, I really do, because he is special, very, very special... but there are only so many things I can do in a day, kwim?

I'm going to run into town tonight to get his cake pan, he wants a race car cake, and then I'll shop for gifts, even though I've no idea what to get him... does anyone else leave birthdays to the last minute? I feel like such a horrible, horrible mother!!!

He just came in, muddy from head to toe, he left big puddles of mud from the door to his bedroom, dumped his muddy clothes on the carpet in his room, his socks were soaked WET with mud... And I had spent the morning cleaning floors and doing laundry.

My husband has no idea the fustrations I go through to keep up around here.

I wonder if he'll ever know.

Gotta run...

_____________________
The Muddy Boy's Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-23 15:14
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OK, this was what I was talking about...

So much for WHITE socks.... Heck, so much for those OSK KOSH overalls! Glad I only paid 4.99 for them

This was Josh getting ready to have a bath... it took THREE to get him clean. The face.... OH!

This was the mess the "first" bath made... the water was nearly black, ROTF...

I'm proud of myself... I didn't yell or get mad... although I think it's only because I was so stunned/shocked that I lost my voice!
O M G !!!! EEK!

This boy is getting a bar of soap, a box of Tide, and some Pine Sol for his birthday!

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Molly Maid Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-23 15:58
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That post up above was my 2500th post!! I want to celebrate it by saying "Three Cheers" to my buddy Connie for all the work she does packing, and working, and being a mom... Go girl go!

And yes, I'm glad Princess Jillian (PJ), aka Chunky, is finally growing too

Love you Connie -- here's to another 2500 posts! May many of them be here

Hi to my other buddies too... all the Treats Moms... Maaaaachelle (that's how Josh says it Wink ) My friends at the Jul 00 Moms board, the Sept Sweeties... my buddy Marie who is still holding her little girls inside that beautiful, sexy belly o' hers Wink Janine who always inspires me... Kelley, my Aloha Friend Wink MammaRenee, my hero & mentor... Julie, the Breastfeeding Goddess, My Special Penguin -- Love ya! The list goes on, and on, and on... I have Sooooooooooo many friends here! Too many to list! LOVE YA ALL!

HAPPY 2500 Posts! PG.org ROCKS!

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Posted: 2002-05-24 12:15
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I think I'm stressing out a bit... need to unload!!

Today is Josh's birthday, and since I'm the only one in this family capable of doing anything to celebrate someone (God forbid I'd leave it up to RM, ROTF), I'm carrying the weight on my shoulders again. I'm not complaining, but I'm feeling the stress. I got home at 11pm last night after doing cake supply and birthday gift shopping. Josh was still awake (GASP!!!), and he told me NOT to make the cake last night, because he wanted to 'help' me. So I waited... I feel asleep by midnight, I was wiped. Dh didn't get anything for Josh, I had to get it all -- I even got the gifts 'from' my mom, I owed her some money, so I figured I'd do his birthday shopping from her FOR her, since I know she doesn't have time either. I woke up this morning not wanting to get up knowing the kind of day ahead of me...

I finally got the cake made, it's cooling down. It turned out OK, but now I need to decorate it, it's past 1pm, and I can't reach DH, I don't know if I need to pick up Boo or not after school... I managed to take a shower and wash my hair, I haven't made lunch yet, I'm just a total unorganized mess. I just remembered last night that our mixer isn't working, so that does NOT help. I'm trying to figure out the best thing to do...

I **Think** I'm going to pack up the frosting ingredients and supplies, pack up the kids, the cake, the 'stuff', and head to Mom's in time for Brandon getting off the bus, and just finish making the cake there? That way I'll be able to start supper there when I'm done with the cake.

What a chaotic day.

Nothing new, though, seems like every day is like this!

Oh well... Happy Birthday, Josh, I hope you appreciate the effort... I'll post cake pics later -- unless it's a complete disaster, ROTF!

________________________________
The Frazzled BDay Boy Mommy Quilt

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Posted: 2002-05-24 13:19
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I think I'm completely going to lose my mind... the sad thing is, no one in my real life has a clue what I go through in the course of a day... Dh's answer to everything (NOT that I can get a hold of him today) is "Relax"... or "Don't worry about it", or "Why are you so stressed, what's the big deal"... UGH!

I'm leaving to pick up Brandon, Jillian has MEGA bum rash, the cake stuff is packed, but I honestly don't know if I can get it all done... I don't even know if his presents are wrapped or not, honest to God, I swear one of these days (but not on Mother's day ANY year, of course), I'm going to get a full day off.

If I don't do any of this stuff, Josh doesn't get a birthday. What kind of pressure is THAT?

Somehow, I'll get through today... and no one will be any more thankful than they were yesterday... I just wish, for ONE day, that my family would appreciate me as much as my REAL friends do (the ones online). My husband and kids just think that all the work I do magically comes out of my ears or something. A la Mary Poppins.

_________________

Update: It's now 3:36, and I'm finally at Mom's, I dropped by the craft/scrapbook store to pick up something my neighbor needed, too bad (but probably a good thing) I didn't have my wallet/purse (forgot that), or I would have gotten 'me' some things too I'm going to scrapbook this weekend, damnit!

Speaking of scrapbooking, I had tears in my eyes at the mailbox today (no, not bills -- well, those too... but....) BETH!! OMG!!! I'm just going absolutely NUTS -- I got a package/letter from my friend Beth, from Wisconsin, and it's got TONS of ladybug scrapbook stuff I've NEVER seen in my life!!! OMG!! I don't know how to thank her enough -- maybe once I get this cake made and this birthday done, I can sit down and get my thoughts straight enough to thank her... wow, maybe that's JUST what I needed to get me through today... along with a beautiful, gorgeous pic I received in the mail of my friend Heidi and her sweetie pumpkin' Kayla... what an awesome, heartwarming, make your day kind of picture....

I'll be OK! I will be OK! Gotta love that mailbox -- it seems to know JUST when to make me smile... Wink

Gotta find the icing recipe!

Hasta Pasta!

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Posted: 2002-05-24 17:34
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OK... I made the cake, it's definately not my best piece of work **JD laughs hysterically**, but Josh loves it, so who the heck cares! I rushed job'd it, but anyway!

Dh is here, at Mom's, and we're all here... I got to talk to him for a second before I left our house, and I vented really quick on how it seemed like I was doing all the work for each and every birthday around here... and no one seemed to know how much work goes into it, that it seemed as though the entire family believes that all the 'magic' comes out of my ears or something... I'm no Mary Poppins, there's a LOT of stuff involved, and I just don't feel like it's really appreciated... Gosh, this is just a simple BDay party, we didn't even invite Josh's friends (we might do a sleep-over party with one of his pals later this month)... and it took ALL day!!!

Anyway, he came over to Mom's right after work, kissed me on the cheek and told me "You know what? Thank you for doing Josh's birthday, because without you, he wouldn't have had much of a day... thanks for all you do."

Thank you for the thank you!

That's all I wanted == for him to stop and clue in a little.

Anyway, supper's about ready... then it's cake & presents... police car cake, police car presents, police bikes, police vans, police helicopters... I can't think of a theme here, but something seems to follow some kind of a link **ROTF**...

Love,
__________________
The sitting down for the first time all day quilt...

P.S. Speaking of "Quilt" -- despite everything, I feel strong. This RM thing, the new way of looking at DH, does wonders for the heart. I haven't been this happy in years. YES, damn it, I deserve more, but I'm happier now than I've been in years.

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Posted: 2002-05-27 02:09
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The birthday went well, Josh was very grown up throughout the entire ordeal... The cake was kind of unfinished, since I had to stop to take care of Jillian. It tasted absolutely wonderful, though

He loved all his presents!! He received some birthday money, and he was so happy with what he had received in gifts that he had a difficult time choosing what to buy for himself... so he picked a toy for himself, and one for Brandon... and one for Jillian. I was very, very proud of him for that!

Saturday was a pretty quiet day. I don't remember most of it... I must be tired. Oh wait... I think..... yes, it was the Open House at Dh's work. I stopped by the scrapbook store on my way home, DH humored me by being patient and kind about the whole thing. We had "date night" that night... as usual, America's Most Wanted. I remember scrapbooking... I got a lot done!

I don't remember going to bed, but I know I must have been tired.

DH has been trying hard to be extra nice, and I'm not sure if it's because he misses having a wife, or because he finally clued in that there's something 'wrong'. I've managed to put up a pretty strong, bullet proof wall, though, and he has not managed to break through 4 years of hurt. Good luck!

I laughed soooooo hard when I read Connie's comment about her DH falling asleep on the chair (or somewhere)... "Must be hard being an ass to your wife all day"... that must be what happens to DH as he falls into his little coma every night. Now, DH isn't mean or hateful, and he has been great lately... but it's just too little too late. He can't ignore me and neglect me for nearly 5 years and expect me to just trust him when he reacts to being given the same treatment for a few weeks... I wonder how he thinks I felt for the last 4 years and 9 mths.

Anyway, enough DH/RM conversation.

What gets me through this is scrapbooking, my friends... my strength... God....

Speaking of friends, Connie, God bless you, girl, you sure have a way of making me feel special. I love you too, hun...

Speaking of friends some more... MARIE HAD THE GIRLS!! They're OK!!! OH HAPPY DAY! I'm chatting with her right now... She sounds great. I feel such a connection to her... I feel a connection with a lot of the women here. What a wonderful 'family'.

I talked via PM to Chereese this weekend... and I realized all over again how much I've missed talking with her. So much to learn, so much connection... What a wonderful person! I'm glad she wrote!

Funny, but in school, aside from Grade 10, I couldn't get a friend for the life of me... now I have so many wonderful people around me... life is wonderful. Who the heck needs a husband when you have all these friends to be with

Wow, it's 3:18, my brain hurts, I'm going to have to call it a night... I'll be back soon

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Posted: 2002-05-27 13:43
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I'm back... it's Monday afternoon, I won't have to go pick up Brandon after school, so that gives Jillian a chance to finish her full nap, gives Josh a chance to stay home, and it gives me a chance to finish my tasks around here... well, not that I've found motivation today...

One of my best friends, Melody, is coming next Saturday with all FOUR of her children, and her husband. They are moving, and our town is the first stop along the way. I'm so very, very excited, but I also need to get this house super, super clean... Not that it's usually a mess, well, actually, it can be, ROTF... but this is different. Don't get me wrong, she's super, super, super nice, but if Martha Stewart and SuperWoman, crossed with a bit of Mary Poppins were to come knocking on your door, you'd want the place to look perfect, right? That's how I feel... I adore this woman, I really, really do, she can do it all, kwim? Her house is spotless, organized and amazing, even with 4 kids, and, with Josh leaving trails of messes to clean up after all day, and having a baby to take care of, and everything else to do, there is way too much here to do anything else than "barely keep up"... so I really need to get going and do stuff...

I just can't seem to get started... I look at all the things that need to get done, and I kind of get overwhelmed. I think it's because I didn't sleep enough last night, I got to bed just before 4am... I know, that wasn't a very good idea...

Anyway, I made a list... all I have so far that's crossed off is the kitchen floor and counters. Today is Kitchen day, tomorrow is Living room, Wednesday will be the Boys' room... everyday is bathroom day around here, ROTF... Thursday will our bedroom and the spare room, and Friday will be general tidy up day. Will that work? I hope so...

Am I the only one that seems to be drowning in housework and still feels like she's getting nowhere? How do people keep their houses so neat?

I think it's the fact that we have such a small house for our size of a family... there isn't enough room for everything.

Anyway... that's life.

I'm starting to crave some human touch again... In real life. It makes me wonder how long I can keep that wall intact between RM and I. I can't let that wall come down, no way, not a chance. I can do it, I just have to get through it... just have to.

Jillian's awake... gotta go.

If I can just get a spurt of energy...... **SIGH**

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Posted: 2002-05-27 19:21
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Well... Kitchen day was interesting... I think it's going to be come Kitchen Night too... for a while. If I could just get the fridge cleaned (inside and out), I cleaned underneath it yesterday... and get the pantry cleared out a bit... and finish putting away the rest of the clutter on top of the microwave, I'd have it done!! Maybe I can do this tonight...

I will do this tonight...

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can... I KNOW I can... UGH.

I thought of something today, and I know I'm going on a limb here -- I'm about to feel like an idiot for sharing this, so bear with me. I feel like this journal has been motivation... if I say that I'm going to clean my kitchen, but then I come back tomorrow and confess that I couldn't handle doing that in one day, then I'll feel like I've failed, like I've let myself down, and in some weird way, I'll feel like I've let my friends down. OK, that just sounded absolutely retarded, so let me explain. My friends here seem to think I'm Mary Poppins and a half, I'm not sure why yet, but it's nice to feel special ... I feel like they give me too much credit, but in some ways, it keeps me on my toes, keeps me wanting to try harder, to accomplish more. So... if I don't have it in me to finish my kitchen tonight, I'll do it in honor of all my friends here who believe in me when no one else seems to. Sounds like a plan?

AND, of course... if I finish the kitchen (and re-do the bathroom, since Josh has spent half his day on the Throne), I will reward myself with Scrapbooking between 10-Midnight... Sounds like a GREAT plan to me!!

OK, I'm pumped, I'm excited, I'm going to scrub the kitchen!!! Watch out Fridge, here comes JD!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________
The Self Motivation Freak

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Posted: 2002-05-28 11:58
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Well, I got the kitchen cleaned... almost. But, I did the bathroom Wink DH wanted to watch a movie WITH me (Imagine), so he helped me clean the living room so I'd have less to do today, and I watched a movie with him (with him being a liberal term). I scrapbooked while I watched the movie... I got a lot done After the movie finished, it was 12:30, but I wasn't tired, so I did the bathroom, finished the top of the fridge, cleaned more clutter on top of the microwave, and decided to call it a night. I was really going to do the inside of the fridge.... **sigh** I chatted with my friend Heather from San Diego, we laughed pretty hard... almost too hard, ROTF... we stopped chatting at 3am

Today, I don't have to do so much around the living room -- not that Jillian's giving me three minutes in a row to do anything with Wink
I'm going to take the kids for a drive... I have so many things to mail out, correspondence to keep up with, I'm really far behind. I'm going to mail a few letters today, and check the mail... I haven't checked it since last Friday, isn't that horrible?

Anyway, gotta run, Jillian is looking for me

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Posted: 2002-05-29 09:17
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Well, here I am... again Wink I must like this place, I keep coming back and writing more! I hope no one's getting tired of me yet...

I am doing really good... the house is getting cleaned little by little, but I'm no longer stressing out about it. DH has been helping, and it also helps that I haven't had to rush into town halfway through my day (waking up Jillian from her nap in the process) to pick up Brandon... that's been a nice break. He's home from school today, open house for next year's Kindergarten class, so it's going to be busy with all three at home, but that's life! I love having my kids around me

I did a LOT of scrapbooking last night... I cropped and double framed/matted about 20 pics, took all the pages out of my book and put them back in the book in the order that I wanted them... I included the panoramic pages that I purchased... I think it's going to be nice. I like it, so either way, whatever!!! LOL! I finished the last 4 pics on the Sugar Shack page, still didn't do my journaling, but that will be next... I ALWAYS leave that for last. I cut out some of my letters from templates for the Christmas title pages... soooo much got done last night -- no damn wonder, I was scrappin' from 10pm to 1:30am!! Hee hee! AND, I managed to go to bed an entire hour earlier than the night before... I was in bed by about 3!

I feel fantastic, I'm just bursting at the seams, I don't know why.... but I'll take two of those, ROTF

I did a MEGA Post on the Treats board last night, first in ages...

Anyway, the kids are all awake, I gotta run. I'm going to try to squeeze in some time to respond to PMs I've received... I miss my friends

Love,
______________________________________
The Feelin' Pretty Good Quilt
_________________
JD... The Scrapbookologist, Quilt-Journal-a-holic, Pine Sol'ing mom....

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Posted: 2002-05-30 10:57
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What a morning... let me start by saying that I'm not really anti-social, but I don't like people coming to the door at 10am unexpectedly and unannounced... heck, if any of my friends came, I'd be more than excited to see them, but it just gets to me that I haven't even had a chance to get out of my PJ's before the doorbell rings...

BEFORE you say "What kind of lazy butt is still in PJ's at 10am... ?" Let me explain. Josh & Jillian get up at 8:30 or so. I pick her up from her crib, change her, and I feed her in bed while Josh snuggles with me... we talk and chat and have a good laugh, and I try hard to delay getting up until Josh gets up, or until Jillian is done boobin'. This morning, both kids got up late, at 9am... at about 10am, the doorbell rang. I had to scramble out of bed, still in my pj's and looking absolutely horrible, and try to sneak a peek as to who it was. If it had been my neighbor Karen, I would have flung the door open... she's cool like that. She's seen me in my PJ's more than once, she just chuckles. She understands. If it was a bill collector, I would have gone right back to bed. Yes, they do come to our door. If it was the Jehovas' Witnesses... I would have asked them to babysit while I took a drive into town -- that would have ensured I'd never see them again. Anyway, it was a good friend of mine, and I honestly do NOT mind that she rung the doorbell that early, I haven't seen her since Jillian's Dedication, and since it's months between friend visits (except for my neighbor Karen), I was thrilled to see her. But man, she's like a cup of POTENT coffee in the morning (I don't drink coffee), she's hyper and loud and... wow... what a whirlwind. Anyway, she wanted to bring her cat with her to see if we might want the cat... OK, I love animals... but NO!! That cat is a nightmare! It's the same cat that she gets upset at for climbing up patio screen doors, and she thinks I want a cat with 4 sets of claws, a wild one at that, around the baby? Uh... NO!!! I'm proud of myself for saying no... I've been a sucker in the past for that kind of thing.

Anyway, no sooner did she leave... I was in the middle of changing poopy bum#3 this morning, and the doorbell rings, again. Still in PJ's, I still haven't had breakfast for crying out loud... I can't reach the wipes, gotta get Josh to bring them to me and tell whoever was at the door to wait. UGH. It was the Cable Guy, and unfortunately, I'm not talking about Jim Carrey. So off to look for the cheque book, another expense... I was soooo tempted to tell him to disconnect until this fall. Don't have much time to watch it anyway. But, it would cost so much to reconnect, it wouldn't make sense... anyway... I had to look through the house for a checkbook... couldn't find one, finally I had to put sneakers on and go out to the truck, found one in the glove compartment. Ah! Went back to the house, totally embarassed because for the first time in AGES, I'm not wearing a bra (there are only so many bras to choose from, and they're all in the laundry right now)... Yeah, pretty picture at 10am. Anyway, he finally leaves, and I feel like he's probably driving back into town wondering if I look like that ALLLLL the time. ROTF.

So as soon as he leaves, I strap Jillian in her high chair, give her some toys, jump in the shower, and wash my hair, shave my legs, etc... I get out, I did the Satin Hands treat, did my face with some spa stuff... and now I'm ready for that damn doorbell to ring... BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!! (just don't bring more bills, k?)

Speaking of bills, DH offered to get a second job until we're caught up... it's either that, or goodbye Mat Leave for me... we're just drowing. He's making less at his new job than he was at his old job... he should have been making more by now, but they are taking their time paying him for the job he is doing now.. he got promoted three months ago to a management position, and they are still paying him for his old clerical job... it's infuriating. We'd be making about 10K more a year if they'd get their crap together and pay the man what he's due!!! It's all retroactive, supposedly, but what do you bet that they'll come back and NOT make it retro?

UGH... And, the insurance (car) company sent us a letter saying that after July, we're no longer covered. It will cost us nearly twice as much to get insurance if we start from scratch with a new company. We went from paying $200 monthly to... here are the quotes so far... 1170 down, 475 a month... 875 down, 299 a month... we can't do this!!!!!!! I think the bus is the way to go... our car lease expires in Aug, and we can't afford to be paying this kind of insurance AND do something about getting another car. I honestly don't know what we're going to do, but living so far in the sticks and having three kids and no vehicle... it will be nearly impossible.. how will I get to work when I go back to work?

I'm just waiting for the next piece of bad news... I just don't know how much longer I can keep my spirits up.. this is foolish.

Anyway... enough bad stuff... gotta go feed JilliRoo. AGAIN. But at least I look human this time Wink

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Posted: 2002-05-30 12:27
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There's a saying... have you heard it? "Don't cry over spilled milk!" Well, I almost did. If Josh makes one more mess in this house, I AM going to cry. I would like to have some kind of life while the sun is up, at a non 3am time of the day... where I do something else than change 18 poopy diapers, feed a baby all the time, and follow Josh around to make sure that he's NOT destroying the house. It's 1:24pm, I've FINALLY eaten, I've taken a shower, and accomplishing those TWO simple things this morning has taken nothing short of a circus act. Josh has done everything in his power to drive me to tears this morning, and I'm at the point where I need to get out of the house or I will have a nervous breakdown. I cant' handle on more of his messes... I just can't. We had a little bit of milk left in the fridge, enough for RM's tea tonight (Yuck) and Brandon's cereal in the morning... Josh decided to pour himself a glass, his 5th this morning, and not only did he fill an adult sized glass (before you ask where I was, I was feeding Jillian before her nap time)... he spilled the entire thing on the floor. He simply can not handle the task of not making a mess, much less the task of cleaning such a huge mess on his own... so who else but Mommy is around to wipe it all up? It went everywhere... I don't know how many times this has happened, and he still can't be careful enough... argh! He spilled an entire bowl of popcorn onto the living room floor, on purpose, to PLAY in it with his dinky cars this morning... I was changing Jillian's diaper, excuse ME for turning my back on my 4 yr old for 8 seconds... He made himself a sandwhich while our friend dropped in for a minute this morning (she was only here 5 minutes), he left cheese slice wrappers (all THREE of them) on the kitchen FLOOR!! The FLOOR? Does he think we live in a barn?! He left the cupboard doors open, the chair at the counter, the bread bag had a hole in it (thanks, I love dry bread...)... he left it half eaten, so here goes more food wasting.. thanks, Josh -- at this rate, I'm going to have to go back to work next week so we can afford groceries!!! He left a trail of toys all over the house, it's just unreal... just UNREAL. What a nightmare.

And then he looks at me, with that angelic face of his... and says "I'm sorry for making a mess, Mommy". What the heck do you do? Everytime I get fustrated with the kids, I think of my friend Virna who hasn't yet been blessed with children... although she's pregnant again right now... I think of how thankful I should be, and honestly, I'm usually such a better mom than this... but today, for some reason, I just can't do it. I just can't get a grip.

And he is begging me to get him a puppy. Uh.... NO. NO! NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!! I don't need another mess to clean up, I do want a life eventually, you know!

I know that making a mess isn't the end of the world... Brandon has his spills and messes too, but Josh is another story entirely. He is just a freaking mess storm. I HAVE to keep up with it and get on his case, or he'll destroy the house in 30 minutes flat. I just wish he'd give me a break... I'm about to pull my hair out.

And Connie, my housekeeping skills SUCK. I go to anyone else's house, and it's clean, it's tidy, it looks great. With Josh in the house, I look at mine, and I want to cry.

I think that part of my stress is knowing that there just isn't enough time in one day to get everything done... If I do one thing, something else suffers, I just don't know what to take care of first anymore, other than Jillian and Josh, which takes up my entire day as it is... how the heck will I manage going back to work -- I'm already drowning in work as it is?

OK, I'm going for a drive... Jillian isn't sleeping anyway...

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Posted: 2002-05-31 12:40
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I think I'm losing my mind.... this feels like a miniature torture chamber...

Josh.... don't let the angelic face fool you, the boy is driving me INSANE! I know he's only four, and maybe I'm expecting too much... but he's just.... ARGH! He decided to help himself to Brandon's lunch snacks this morning, without asking... which I'm not happy about, but if he just took ONE, then ate it, put the spoon in the sink and the container in the garbage, I'd be jumping for JOY. He takes two of them, (hello sugar rush), and manages to leave the entire kitchen in a pudding mess. Chairs, table, floor... elbows, arms, face... the boy had some in his hair. He is FOUR years old, and eats with his FACE! WHY!?! If he'd at least clean it up, or say "OOps, Mommy, I'm sorry, but I made a mess, can you help?" But noooooooooooo, he has to just get up, ignore everything he's done, not put anything away or even TRY... and just look at me with a "What??!?!" expression on his face when I walk into the kitchen and find this mess. What was I doing while he was doing this? Cleaning the master bedroom. All of 10 minutes. I made te bed, picked up stuff off the floor, put some clothes away, changed Jillian and straightened out her crib. Excuse ME for not being RIGHT on Josh's ass instead of cleaning my room.

I go into the kitchen, I clean everything up, I tell him how upset I am with him, how disappointed I am that every stinkin' day of this week, I've done nothing but find his messes... I explain that we have company coming tomorrow, including a boy who has deadly milk allergies (amongst many other allergies), and that TWICE this week, Josh has managed to pour milk products all over the place... this is something that could kill Joel... Now not only do I have to scrub the floors with bleach again, I have to do the chairs and the table and everything else in sight. So while I'm cleaning this mess, Josh says "I'll help you clean the house, Mommy, watch, I'll clean everything...." He goes into my bedroom, and says he's putting away laundry... I KNOW that this does NOT sound like good news, so I ask him to get out of my bedroom immediately, and ask him to head to his room instead to pick up the toys on his bedroom floor. He leaves my room, but doesn't head to his bedroom to clean up... I finish cleaning the kitchen for now (will do the bleach part later), and I go see what he was doing in my room.... I scream in horror... he emptied the dirty clothes hamper all over my bedroom. There are clothes EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!! On the bed, all over the floor, on nightstands, half into dressers... I don't know what's clean and what's not anymore. Meanwhile, Jillian is waiting for me to take care of her... lunch is cooked and ready to eat, I still haven't had breakfast, (Welcome to my world)... I'm hungry, tired, cranky, mad, fustrated, did I say ANGRY???)

It's 1:30PM, and I just feel like crawling into a hole and dying. I feel that there is no sense in even trying... I haven't had a chance to breathe this morning... I haven't taken a shower, I haven't even had time to brush my teeth.

What am I doing wrong? What is WRONG with that child? What can I possibly do that can get me out of this horrible nightmare?

Then, all morning, I feel bad that I can't get my shit together enough to keep in touch with friends a little better.... I have 5 thank you letters written, I didn't have envelopes or stamps, so I bought those yesterday... and I still haven't had the time to address them, I didn't get stamps, I feel like they are never going to be mailed... and that's only a very, very small portion of the things I need to send out that I haven't gotten a chance to do yet. I have friends I haven't written to in days.... I have barely posted on my Treats board, and I feel bad everytime I post because I just can't afford to take the time to respond to everyone and anyone... it's not that I don't care, but I'm afraid that it will seem that way. I worry about what people will think... I miss them, but I just can't keep up. I'm just drowning! I don't know how my friend Melody does it.. 4 kids and someone else's kids to look after, and she's always 8 steps ahead of the game. Lord inject me with HER DNA!!!!!!!!!! SOON!

I called RM to vent, and he just seems to shrug and treat me like I am the one going nuts for absolutely nothing... he says he can't relate, because Josh isn't anything like this when RM is home -- He's never had this problem before... so once again, it's all my f'ing fault. I'm the one who is to blame. Thanks a hell of a lot for your support, RM.

I think that the only way to get through this day is to duct tape Josh to a chair and get the house cleaned, but of course, even thinking that and saying that horrifies me... that's not the kind of mother I am. Josh is more important than housework... but I just can't let this house go all to hell either. I can't let him have his way and destroy the house... Everytime I turn around, he's up to something. Even if I was to send him to Mom's for a day (Warning!! Dreaming in technicolor), and I could get the house cleaned once and for all, it would be back to disaster the next day, and what about Jillian, who needs me 24/7? I can't take two steps without having to stop and do something for her, get her out of something, feed her.. and those diapers... she's been nothing but a poop storm for the last two weeks... I feel like I've done nothing but change diapers all week.

Can Josh skip a year and start school in September? Can I please find a way NOT to have to go back to work....??! Then again, maybe that would be a nice break from this routine. NOT.... I'd miss Jillian way too much.

I'm just so overwhelmed right now that I just can't stop crying. I bet you my last 30 cents that while I'm typing this, Josh is in the kitchen getting into more trouble. I just called him over to tell me what he was doing... and sure enough, he was drinking milk in the living room. Milk that can kill Joel. Milk that he's only supposed to drink at the table... and he KNOWS it.

Why bother?

Maybe if I could just stay up all night tonight, and not sleep until later on this weekend... I could get it all done. **groan** I KNOW that's now how it works, but what the hell am I supposed to do?

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Posted: 2002-05-31 15:57
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OK... Wanna Play "Good News / Bad News"?

Good news:

Josh hasn't created any more disasters this afternoon.

Bad news:

Because all three of us slept all afternoon... so really, nothing else got done either.

Good news?

I'm not feeling tired.

Bad news?

I've lost all desire to do anything around here... I'm bummed that I lost an entire afternoon... I could have done so much.

Good news: RM is home afterwork for two whole days...

Bad news: He doesn't 'get it'.

Gotta go make supper.

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Posted: 2002-06-02 15:31
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I'm here to say that I survived having 11 people in this house for supper last night, it actually went really, really well!! I was soooooo glad to see Mel and to stop worrying about everything! The house looked pretty good, I must say! I even got some time to squeeze in a bit of gardening before she arrived I scrapbooked all of Friday night, between 10:ish and 2:30am, I love my two new pages...

Melody bought me a set of scissors at a big warehouse retail place, maybe Costco? It's a Fiskars set, and she got 5 diff scissors for 15 dollars!!! 15 Canadian, even!! And when I went to pay her for them, she refused, said they were for me... She got herself a set too! And I said "Well, I owe you..." and she argued with me, same old usual banter... **grin** So she finally admitted that she couldn't find any Coluzzle self healing mats, and with her moving across two provinces, with 4 kids... she's not sure when she'll have time to locate the craft stores in her new town (no kidding!!!), so if I could find one for her... You got it, GIRL! I can do that!! **Bouncing up and down** I love my scissors!! They're such great quality!

Her kids are wonderful... **sigh** and so is she (and even her husband was doing really well). I'm going to miss her soooooo much. She's one of my heroes.

I'm seriously behind emails, PM's, and all... I sooooo miss my friends, but the last few weeks have been unbelievably busy. I hope to get back into the swing of things by next week, at least the house still looks clean, I might not even do a damn thing tomorrow!! LOL!

I'm excited for Connie, she's moving.... and at least her DH is helping... I'm sending her all my 'Wife Vibes' since I sure don't need any around here.

I'd like a hug, though... what's that like?

I gotta run... Jillian's on the floor crawling around, and I think her bum just disappeared around the corner.

Love ya!

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Posted: 2002-06-04 02:37
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Just a quick update before I head to bed.

My plan isn't working. Ever since I started treating DH like a RM instead, he's been starting to try hard to make this relationship work. I know he thinks I've given up, he's probably scared... I don't think he understands what's going on in my heart, and in my mind... we haven't talked much about anything, I've been avoiding him at all costs. I just don't want to be around him anymore.

The way I feel right now is pretty much how he treated me for nearly 5 years... but now the tables are turned. Maybe I should keep treating him like this for another 4 + years, to give him a really good idea of how it felt.

I figured that with the way things were, it would take me months to stop the denial and realize that it's pretty much over. Instead, it's taken weeks.

I'm just not ready for this.

I don't want it to end, I don't want it to continue.

I just don't want it.

I can't snap out of this mess I'm in... I just don't want to be anywhere near him. He comes to watch TV while I scrapbook, and I just want to pack up my stuff and go to bed. When he goes to bed at night, I don't want to be there with him... I've been going to bed past 3am for weeks on end.

It's getting to the point where I'm just not myself around him... I feel like I did when I was living with my father, as strange as that is... I just don't want to be with him. I'm angry with him.

Why am I angry? Suddenly, he becomes the perfect husband... he acts all grown up, spends time with the kids, worries about my being 'not myself'... he acts all concerned and interested in me. So now he's perfect, and I'm the bad guy.

I'm the one who has a problem now.

Great.

Can't win.

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Posted: 2002-06-07 02:20
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I think this week has been one of the best weeks so far this month **ROTF**. It IS the first week of this month, LOL! First of all, Jillian's doing great... she now weighs 14lbs 7.5oz, so we can go see her dr in a month, rather than every week!! That's great! And she's doing so well, she started crawling on her hands and knees on the 4th of June... so funny!

The Quilt... today, I felt like someone took the quilt out of the house, and hung it out on the clothesline to air it out a bit. I'm sick with a cold/sinus thing, but despite that, it's been a great day. RM was home yesterday and today, he's sick too, but I've decided that I'm not going to let the sniffles keep me down, I left the house for Jillian's appointment at 1pm yesterday, just her and I, and I didn't come back until 10pm!! YAY! I brought all my scrapbook stuff, picked Mom up, and after the dr's appointment, went back to her place, picked up my brother, drove him to work, came back to Mom's, and hung out with her, scrapbooked, chatting, just being together. It was awesome! After that, I went to WalMart for some scrapbook glue, I had run out of it... those beach pages take a LOT of glue! I bought some material to make Jillian a blanket. Like I don't have enough to do, ROTF!

I went home, and RM didn't seem to mind that I'd been out all day... that was nice

I did the same thing today, I let him sleep in until 1pm, then I left the boys with him and took Jillian out for a few hours.

I'm really starting to learn to take better care of myself -- certainly can't wait around for RM to do it for me, LOL...

Quote of the day:

"I am the one who lives with 'me' for the rest of my life. I need better take care of myself, I can't depend on anyone else to do it for me. If I don't like the results, I only have myself to blame for that."

I'm becoming stronger, I can feel it.

I was telling Mom today about how wonderful my friend here are to me, how supportive, encouraging, and wonderful they've all been. I said to her that it was still overwhelming to be loved like that all of a sudden... seems to me I couldn't find any friends in school (other than grade 10), no one wanted to have anything to do with me... I sometimes feel like the Ugly Duckling... not that I'm a swan now, just a well loved quilt :grin: , but I feel like I've bloomed, finally... does that make any sense?

Either way, it's a new experience. Finding my group of Treats online when I did was one of the best things to ever, ever happen to me... and coming here, to pg.org, is like coming home. Makes the world a wonderful and comfy place

I just read Amanda's TCC Journal again, and it strikes me how much we have in common... She's a wonderful woman, she really is, and it makes me sad to see her struggling right now ((((((((hugs))))))))). I wish I could help, just knowing how she feels on SO many different things, I bet we could really help each other. It amazes me how much I have in common with SO many people here... I have so many twins!! LOL! It makes my heart wanna burst, I love this place so much.

I feel such a deep connection to so many people... for all kinds of different reasons. I wish I had the time to discover all the paths of frienship possible... but there's just not enough time. Three kids keep me extremely busy...

I think we may have found a solution for the car/insurance thing. If we find a way to buy the car at the end of the lease, then it will be ours, so we won't need to worry about any damages from the accident I had last year, extra mileage, etc... and we're already paying high payments for the least, so a medium sized loan for the balance won't cost us as much... AND, since it will be ours, we won't absolutely have to have collision insurance on it, saving us more money... and, we'll have a car. It won't be another 3 year obligation. We won't have to worry about mileage... we already "know" the car, and we love it... good all around solution. We're going to approach banks and lending companies soon to see how hard they laugh at us, please send us positive vibes Wink

Dh has been making a HUGE effort lately, which I'm beginning to appreciate. I'm still leary, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

I had a wonderful chat with Marie tonight, she's so special! Her girls are just precious.... We get along so great!

I'm going to try to chat with Michelle this week -- gosh, I miss that woman SOOOOOOOO much, I'm going through serious withdrawal symptoms!

Josh is doing MUCH better, he's been dry at nights for weeks now, and is starting to wake up on his own to go pee at night. AND... this week, he's only forgotten about the "sit down to pee" rule twice!! YAY!!!!!! He's been taking it a tiny, tiny bit easier on the mess situation, I'm VERY proud of him for allllll his efforts!

Anyway, it's wayyy early in the morning, I haven't slept yet, gotta get to bed!

Love,
The Well Taken Care Of Quilt

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Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
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Posts: 427

Posted: 2002-06-08 11:01
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I have to take a moment to give some credit to RM for something...

He took care of all three kids while I was out last night, from 7pm to 12:30am. All three of them! No complaints, no dumb "Uh, how do you change a diaper?" phone calls... he didn't whine about it at all... and I half expected to come home to a "OMG, what a horrible night, Brandon did this, and Josh got into this, and Jillian cried all night, I didn't know what to do..." I half expected the phone to ring where I was, DH all in a panick... Kind of a way to ensure I wouldn't have a good time, kwim?

In case you were wondering what the heck could tear me away from the kids for over 5 hours... (hee hee)... it was a "Crop 'Till Ya Drop" scrapbooking get together at a store in this area... OMG, I had a BLAST! First of all, it was 6pm-Midnight, so I was really, really disappointed that DH got home SO late to take over so I could leave... I missed an entire hour. And trust me, when you're getting OUT for the first 'real' time in almost 9 mths, you wanna be EARLY, not late!!! But, even with the hour missing, it was still a very awesome night. There were 6 women (including me), plus Jodi, the girl who owns the place. I had such a good time. The girls that were there are SOOOOOO good at scrappin', it was almost depressing, but that's OK, the more I do it, the better I get, so someday Wink ... LOL!

They brought in pizza and soda/pop, which was great, but my thoughts were kind of like this "Uh... I'm out to scrapbook as much as possible, without the kids, without any interruptions -- you actually think I'm going to take a pizza break??! NOT!" Anyway, I had one piece, and went right back to scrappin'.

I got home around 12:30-12:45, and Dh was all in a good mood, so was I... I was afraid to ask how his night went, but from the look of the clean house, it looked like it didn't go too badly... he didn't look frazzled or about to bolt from the house screaming. The kids were OK. WOW. We chatted for 20 minutes, I had a snack, I checked posts and emails, and went to bed!

I thought my boobs would explode -- that's what happens when you don't nurse your baby for a long, long time -- Jillian woke up at 10:30am, ROTF.

What a great night!

I think I might sign up for more of those -- they have them every two Friday nights, but they're always so booked...

Anyway! That's it! I have to upload some pics -- I didn't get a chance yesterday.

Be back later

Oh, and CONGRATS to Connie on her big move!! YAY!!! I know what it feels like to go from apartment to house, I feel her joy!

Love,
_____________________________
The Rejuvenated (sp?) Quilt

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Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
Joined: 10/20/01
Posts: 427

Posted: 2002-06-08 23:42
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The sun keeps peeking through the clouds, on and off, throughout this week.

DH and I seem to be going through calmer waters right now, we talked a little (friendly chatting) last night when I came home from scrappin'... and again tonight, about Jillian's "Purple Problem". It's nice to have a real conversation with an adult. He's been really friendly lately...

Nice change of scenery. I could get used to that, you know...

We'll see if he keeps it up.

Jillian pulled herself up today... she was crawling in the kitchen, nekkid, (still dealing with bum rash), and she pulled herself to a sitting position using the kitchen chairs... and then she used another chair to pull herself to a standing position. It's WILD the amount of stuff she's accomplishing all of a sudden.

I'm so in love with her!

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Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
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Posts: 427

Posted: 2002-06-10 01:31
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OK, quick update before bedtime.

DH and I are going to have a very interesting summer... I think! He's been on his best behavior, so if he keeps it up (we'll see), that will be nice....

... and.... we've agreed to a little bit of ... "Friendly" competition. We're going to each strive to eat healthier and exercise, individually or otherwise, and 'report' our progress on the first of each month. By Sept 1st, may the best one win!

So who do YOU think will win???? Trust me, I'd do anything to beat him, especially if being fit is the reward Wink

So cheer me on when I'm doing good, and boo me when I'm not... the race is ON!!!!!!

Get ready,

Set...

Oh, wait a minute...

Have you ever seen a quilt get some exercise? That ought to look funny Wink

I'm not sure if I should start going to bed MUCH earlier and waking up before DH to go biking... or what. But I'll think of something

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Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
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Posts: 427

Posted: 2002-06-13 00:50
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I know it's been a few days since my last update... so much has happened!! I won't complain anymore about the doorbell ringing before noon... ROTF... The Treat mommies never cease to amaze me... First the Ladybug Globe, then, a care package when Jillian and I were in the hospital in late March, now another care package... These women are amazing. Just being around them has been an uplifting experience all on its own, and now this? Overwhelming, but oh so special. I love these girls as though they were all my sisters. In fact, I love them more than I love my sister. OK, so that won't go over well if she reads this someday -- I do love my sister, I just don't know her all that well.

I had to "Spa & Spoil" myself, as part of the care package.... FIRST priority was to get a haircut. Mine... well, I didn't have one. So that felt like a new 'me'... I feel MUCH better!!!! The hairdresser was so incredible, I wanted to bring HIM home... yes, a man... and the hilarious thing is that he's the ONLY one I'll go to for haircut, despite the way I feel about men. He's awesome... he even gives your entire head a massage... **sigh** Bliss!!!!!!!!!!! Pure bliss! I watched him like a hawk while he styled my hair after, so that I could learn his trick, he did a great job last time he did it, but I couldn't do it once I got home... now I know why -- I got it all backwards, surprise, surprise. Anyway, now I know... hee hee!!!!!!!!!!!! Then, the "Spoil" part was getting some more scrapbook supplies! The rest is for the trip I can't believe there are only about 8 days left before our trip to Chicago!

Jillian's been crying up a storm since last weekend, teething woes... She's been in my arms 24/7.... She seemed better today, though -- probably because we kept her so friggin' busy she didn't know what to think... she was probably too busy to feel the pain!! I started my day by waking her up two hours before her usual 'wake up' time. I fed her (boobed and solids), got Josh up, we all hurried to get ready while packing lunches, cameras, diaper bags, soccer equipment and stuff for the day. We were 15 minutes late getting out of the house, but we made it!!! 9am, we left and headed to WalMart to pick up a soother (can't find Jillian's, NOT a good thing when she's teething), some peanuts and a WHACK of film (will be good for the trip too). After the quick trip to the store, we headed to the recycling place to return our bottles/cans/recycling. We then headed West to the Irving Nature Park. Brandon's entire class as well as the French class from Rothesay/Quispamsis were on a field trip there. Ironically, I found them in the "Frog Trails"... French Frogs?

I took Jillian's stroller out, strapped her in, packed the basket underneath, and went looking for the group. We found them all at the beach That was a blast! Josh looked for shells and weird rocks, we found crab shells (empty Wink ) and the tour guide found a real live crab Wink That was neat! The sun wasn't too bright and warm, but the beach was great, and the scenery was breathtaking. We headed back into the trails about an hour later, which was a little hard with a stroller, I should have taken the sling or snuggli... LOL! Oh well. We followed the trails for nearly an hour, we saw a carnivore plant (kind of like a venus fly trap), we fed birds out of our hands, we saw special plants, etc. Squirrels everywhere. Back where the vehicles were parked, in the rest area, we all had lunch... After that, I boobed Jillian while the kids played games. When it was time to leave, I decided just to take Boo with us, rather than follow the school bus to the school... made more sense. We gained a whole hour by doing that, and I got to spend time with him! I took a few pics of Brandon and his teacher, as well as the teacher's aid (whom he adores), to finish the "School" scrapbook pages. I took a lot of field trip pics, too Wink OF COURSE. When the bus left, I changed Jillian and we headed towards the look out, where the squirrels can usually be found. There's a BBQ there I love to use, we had great sausages Wink We had about a dozen squirrels around us on the deck, good thing I brought some peanuts, boy were they ever happy to see us!!!!!! LOL I took some pics of Jillian and the boys with the squirrels We then headed out of the park and headed to the beach. We stopped there for a while, took more pics, the boys played in the water for a while... I "decorated" a little area of the beach, wrote "The Beach" in the sand with a stick, and took a pic -- which I'll blow up later to use on my "beach" title pages Wink It's the same beach we always go to... funny thing was that as I snapped the pic, I noticed a ladybug on one of the rocks in the pic -- wonder if it will show up?

I figured that since I had a few pics left, and that I had already taken enough pics for a field trip scrapbook spread, as well as some "Brandon/Teacher" pics, beach pics, squirrel pics, etc... I might as well finish the roll with a few 'Fire Station Visit" pics, so I took the kids to one of the fire stations in town... ROTF.. yeah, I didn't have enough to do today. By this time, it was only 3pm. The boys had gotten a lot of sand in the car, so after the firestation, we went to clean out the car and vacuum it. That was nice!

We dropped the film off at Walmart, went to look at the plants/garden section... the boys wanted to buy something to plant (they are BRAVE), so we decided to pick out 'onions' after Josh saw the package of bulbs and shouted "LOOK, Brandon, we can grow ONION RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!" (I looked at the package, and sure enough, there was a picture of onions, onion rings, etc..." ROTF!!!!!!!! So we bought some soil, and the "onion ring seeds", and off we went. We drove uptown again, parked the car and walked up to the chiropractor's office, since my mom had an appoointment there at 4:15. We waited until she was done, and drove to her house. She cooked while I BBQ'd. I called DH and told him to head there after work. We ate, I fed Jillian, and I left Jillian and Josh with Mom as we headed to WalMart to pick up the pics, and then off to soccer practice. WHEW... I'm out of breath just writing this. We had a good practice, I did some laps around the field while he played, but 45min into it, he started getting bored and restless... we picked up his team shirt, and left to go home. I did make him wait the entire hour, though.

Anyhoot, we headed to Mom's, and DH had already picked up Jillian and Josh, so we headed home.

Got home, boobed the girl, played with the boys, tried all night to upload the pics to pg.org's gallery, and I JUST succeeded (it's now almost 2am).

I'm going to BED. Hey, I've managed to 'rewind' my bedtime back ONE WHOLE HOUR! I figure today's running around counts for at least SOME exercise, ROTFLMAO.

Love,
_____________________________________
The New Hairdo And Feelin' Good Quilt

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Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
Joined: 10/20/01
Posts: 427

Posted: 2002-06-20 02:24
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I miss writing here so much... so Chereese, kick MY butt, will ya?

I won't be on much in the next little while, I'm packing and getting ready for my trip to Chicago with the kids. We're meeting TREATS mommies & Babies!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOO!

Here's what life's been like lately:

The boys are so anxious to go -- I think that Brandon's feeling a little surprised that Josh is going - he thinks this is "HIS" trip, ROTF.... uh... yeah, whatever!

Josh just puts his back in his place and says "No, Brandon, you don't understand... I AM going, I have to see MYFRIENDGWEN." OK, I talk about all the treats pretty equally around here, but from the moment that Josh heard Gwen's name... love at first sound. He thinks that Gwen lives in Chicago, and that we're going to visit her and 'her baby', and he wants to know if her kitchen is like Michelle's kitchen, wants to know if Michelle and David and Evan and Murray and Goofy will be there... Etc, etc, etc. He wants to know if Chicago is in Florida, and if it has alligators and funny trees.

Meanwhile, I am laughing too hard to correct him or to even attempt to try to explain this trip to him...

See, Josh... all my friends in my computer? The ones who sent the bubbles? We're going to visit them! He just looks at me and says:

"You mean, in the computer?"

This should be a great week!

Josh keeps asking if it's tomorrow, or today, or after which sun up that we go on an airplane... he keeps asking that over, and over again, and of course, each day, the answer changes. Confuses him even more. He needs to know how many airplanes we're going on, and how many days we're going to spend in the airport (Orlando standby experience, ROTF)

I explained to Brandon that Chicago was in the United States... and I must have said it fast (I am just as excited as the next person, kwim?), and he said "'your nighted stinks'? What the hell is that? I don't wanna go there, Mommy!" ROTF! So I said "It's in AMERICA"... and he said "OH, yeah, OK, Yeah, I wanna go there, then!" I said 'GOOD!' Josh wanted to know where "America" is... I said that we'd be going right beside Canada. Kind of like when we went to Florida. He nodded, and said "OH, so it's kind of nextdoor, then?"

Josh in the store this week... picks up a pic of the Leaning Tower of Whatever it is... "Is THIS where Chicago is?" I said no, so he points to the eiffel tower (we were in the travel section), "Uh... NO, that's Paris"... so he brings out the Statue of Liberty, and says, "I know what this is, Mommy, the Rugrats show said it was in America, so that's where we're going, and this is the statue of libraries!!! We're going to see it!" I said "No, Josh, that's where Kir, Aiden and the bunny lives..."

I think I finally have them thoroughly confused, :lol

I like keeping them in suspense, but when I cracked and told them about the zoo and the park... and maybe going to a pool, etc, they went bezerk. I shouldn't have told them, it was like feeding them a gallon of KoolAid. Hello Sugar Rush, what did you do with my child?

I love these boys, but they are exhausting. I do it to myself, sometimes... rollerblading, three wheeling, biking, bubbles at bathtime and at any other time, mud escapades for both boys, life is a Tide commercial, 24/7. Tree planting, marshmallows ON candlelight in the living room, making vacuum cleaner hair with the vac hose and taking pics... firestations, parks, beaches, WalMarts and the dreaded bike/toys sections... and lately conversations about puppies, bunnies, birds, dogs, fish, birds, bunnies... and cats, cats, cats. Broke down and added a kitten to the zoo, but I think the entire family has been surprised at how much we all love our new baby fur ball Wink

He's GREAT with the kids! His name is Annakin, and he's pure black (lips, fur, foot pads, whiskers, ... everything). Except for his bum and his eyes Wink If it's dark in the living room and you see this little pink circle hopping up and down out of nowhere, it's the cat bouncing away from you.

Anyway, I have to go, tomorrow's a long day, and our last day to pack... SOOOOOOOO much to do.

I'm going to miss Annakin.

OK, and DH too. Especially if he cleans while we're gone Wink

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Posts: 427

Posted: 2002-06-29 00:03
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I'm back from the trip to Chicago, and it was a fantastic trip... I'm still writing about it, I'll post when I'm done.

Unfortunately, I'm not bouncing back as great as I thought I would... I've been home for a few days now, and I'm wishing I was anywhere else but here. I'm also wishing I was anyone else but me. I just feel like crawling in a hole and just turning life off. I don't feel very good -- physically and otherwise... I feel like a not so good Mom, a not so good friend, a not so good anything... including wife and housekeeper.

There is so much crap going on inside my head right now, I've decided that it's just too much for this journal, so I'm going to take a bit of time (whatever it takes), turn the world off, take a mini-vacation inside my head, and get a grip on myself. I wish I could write it all out in this journal, it has always helped in the past, but it's too much personal crap and stuff I don't really want other people to hear about, it's not their problem, and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I love my friends, but I just don't want to be a burden.

The here are a few things that are keeping me sane right now... I won't name them all, I don't want anyone to feel left out, but anyway... the book Andie sent me is helping -- I think it's called "the Praying wife" (?), the love of my friends, my Build A Bear Bunny, "Roo", the scrapbook from the Treats... If I can just focus on those things, plus God and my kids, I should get through this eventually.

The last thing I want is Paxil, but if it ends up saving my life, I shouldn't really fight it, kwim? I know I can do this on my own, been here, done that. It will just take some time, and a short break from life in general.

Anyway... that's it for a while... hope to see you all again soon. The sooner the better.

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Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
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Posts: 427

Posted: 2002-07-02 14:30
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I've just about given up on The Quilt. I just can't take it anymore. My life is either a completely awesome experience, or it's a nightmare, and sometimes, it's so half and half that it just nearly drives me to drink.

The highs and lows make me feel like a bungee jumper from hell.

The good: my friends, my kids, my mom/family. I don't need to explain this at any length, it just speaks for itself. My friends and family are incredible.

The bad: My feelings for DH (or lack thereof), his lack of support and the way he treats me sometimes (often), and money ... or again, lack thereof.

I came home from Chicago to an empty bank account and the news that we were in financial hell. It's no news, really, but it's worse than ever, probably becaus I just spent 700 dollars on the trip and I still have another 400 to pay (which DH doesn't know about). I have to go back to work right away if this keeps up, but even with that, the daycare costs of THREE kids wouldn't be much diff than what we're going through now. The phone rings off the hook asking when they can expect this payment or that payment, there is barely enough for anything, including groceries... and what just kills me is that we see absolutely no end in sight. The boys sort of understand, but they don't really have ANY kind of idea... Brandon and Josh waste food like there is NO tomorrow, and it just tears me up to see them do that -- I'm trying SOOOO hard to make them understand that they can't do that -- we can't afford to be losing food left right and center, kwim? They are just like a pack of animals, sometimes. It just kills me. And they say that teenaged boys eat a lot, I can't imagine them eating more than Josh does... I made a quick lunch for them today, something simple -- chicken noodle soup and egg salad sandwhiches. Josh ate so much that there wasn't any soup left for me. (I was feeding Jillian and didn't get a chance to sit at the table until the boys were done). He ate two entire bowls of soup, and three sandwhiches. The boy is FOUR years old, and weighs 38lbs, I don't know how many stomachs he has, but I figure it's about 6 or 7. And, 45 minutes after lunch, he's in the fridge, he's "hungry". We barely have enough to do us until payday (pay day being a joke, since it's gone before we even see it), and here he is, eating three days' worth of food in one afternoon. I don't want to deny him food, I don't want him to feel 'hungry' (or guilty), but this is just out of control!! He eats all day long. I just don't know how we're going to keep going... declaring bankruptcy isn't an option, it's worse than this... although I can't imagine anything being worse.

I DREAD going to bed at night, because in the daytime, I keep busy, I'm doing 1800 things to keep my mind off the problems we're having... but at night, when I go to bed, my mind slows down, and I'm forced to face reality. Reality is a nightmare, and that's before I even fall asleep, IF I do fall asleep. I've cried myself to sleep for the last few months, and I just can't take it anymore. I told RM last night between silent sobs that if it wasn't for the kids, I would have exited stage left a long time ago. There just isn't any hope anymore.

It's not just money, it's everything, but that's one of the most fustrating stresses because there is so little you can do about it.

I decided to start working odd jobs this summer to help RM with the finances, and I decided to take over the budget since he is obviously incapable of taking care of us in that way... I can't work at a store or at a business somewhere, since I need an income that's 'under the table', and tax free... otherwise I might as well just go back to work, right? So my options were quite limited. There are some things I'm looking into right now, but I needed something FAST. So as I was mowing my mom's lawn for her birthday, I thought about how great of a workout it was... Having three kids, and no extras for a membership to a gym, or being unable to sleep at nights, so being unable to go biking at 6am to get some form of exercise, this was great! Not to mention that I love mowing lawns. It's an instant sense of accomplishment.

So this was the deciding factor... why not have someone PAY ME for this type of 'exercise'? So that's how "Grasshopper Services" was created. The need for an income, the need to feel like I am providing to our family and contributing, the need for exercise. I made some flyers Sunday night, and by the end of the night, after distributing nearly 25 flyers, I already had a customer, she wanted to know if I could drop by the next day!! I was thrilled!

I come home, and I tell Dh what I did... and he was less than enthusiastic, very negative, and unsupportive. He tried his very best to find every flaw and fault with my great 'plan', and didn't once bother to thank me for my efforts, and for 'helping'. I thought that he'd be thankful and appreciate that I was doing my best to help out... he doesn't want me to go back to work any more than I do, so this was a way to keep things the way they are... He thinks my idea is dumb, that it won't work, that it's not worth it, and he just doesn't take it seriously. He's embarassed that I'm even doing this, and he just wishes I'd drop it. I don't see him running around with resumes, kwim?

I was so hurt. I am still very hurt.

I had to hide my car keys today so that he'd take his truck to work, just so that I'd have my car to drive to my lawnmowing job this afternoon... he totally ignores my needs. I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!

I'd be more than understanding and willing to help if HE tried to get another job, so why can't he offer me the same respect?

I feel rejected DAILY with this man... yet everyone else I speak to or correspond with gives me the opposite reaction. They encourage me and believe in me.

With my friends, I feel loved. Here, I feel ... less than human. Unloved and unappreciated, and rejected.

I just don't understand -- I'm the same person, so why the opposite reaction? Can ALLLL of my friends be wrong about me? Surely they can't... right? But HE lives WITH me, sees me everyday, so surely he'd know me better, so is HE right?

My kids love me, but that's not the issue. I don't want to leave my kids.

I fought for 5 years for my husband to become more of a family man, to become more sensitive, and in a lot of ways he has changed for the better, and I do appreciate those changes... but he'll never be what I deserve and need. And he doesn't see that, doesn't understand that... will never understand.

He thinks he's God's gift to women... I see him chatting it up with Samantha's mom at soccer practice, or when we met up at Rockwood Park, and I wish he showed the same interest in me that he does with her... he seems to be able to show his good side to anyone else so easily... I just don't captivate his imagination, kwim?

If I was in the room, and some other woman was in the room, I can GUARENTEE that I'd be the one who would be left out. But yet he thinks he's doing me a favor by being my husband? He thinks he's treating me well?

He has become more affectionate physically lately, but in the last few months, just the thought of him touching me makes me wanna barf. I just can't warm up anymore, I feel dead inside. I feel like I did when I was 5 years old and forced to accept someone else touching me... I am confused, I don't know why I feel this way now, especially with how much he has changed for the better. I feel very angry -- because NOW **I** am the one with ' a problem ' in his eyes, I'm the one who is at fault.

He told me last night after obviously trying to snuck up and snuggle and get all lovey dovey that he feels there is something wrong in our relationship... that I'm so... DISTANT. (That was the exact word he used). OK, so go back to my first few posts, and YOU TELL ME who spent 5 years being distant and unwilling to do anything about it? There was nothing wrong with how he felt for 5 years, in HIS eyes... I complained, pleaded for change, and begged for mercy, and he felt all along it was MY problem... and now that I am treating him like he treated me for over 5 years, suddenly it's an issue? Suddenly I have a problem? At least when I feel distant to him, I KNOW IT. He doesn't realize what he's done to me, and how much he has hurt me.

It's OK for him to treat me like that for 5 years, but oh heck, it's wayyyy NOT OK for me to even think of treating him like that for a few months... but he doesn't understand or care that it's how HE treated me for so long. It's all I know, now.

Part of me can't imagine ever leaving him, it's not like I'd find anything better, since I don't ever want to set foot anywhere near another man again in my entire life. So being a single mom of three, more poor than we are now (like that would be possible, I think NOT)... yeah, what a great way to live... that's just what I want to be when I grow up... Unhappier.

So I'm stuck here, unhappy, unloved, unappreciated... unable to sleep, unable to talk to anyone about this, feeling totally NAKED now that I've written all of this here... I don't even know why I wrote it on here, because I really don't want anyone to read about how miserable I feel... my friends here give me way too much credit as it is, and they've loved me so much, I feel as though things won't be the same if I let my guard down. I can't take any more rejections, kwim? But I do know my friends wouldn't do that to me... it's just my screwed up head getting in the way.

Speaking of friends... I love my friends here... I don't know how I'd keep sane without them... Marie, Heidi, Andie... Michelle (thinking about you today, how did the surgery go??? (((((hugs)))))) )... Jennifer, Chereese, Gwen... the list goes on and on and on... I'm so blessed. I wish it was all that mattered right now.

Yeah, can you tell that Paxil is in my crystal ball, boys and girls? Lovely. I looked at the pics from Chicago, and although I LOVED seeing them, I hated all the ones that I was included in... Everyone else looked great... I felt disappointed that I'm so busy with three kids, that I can barely do what it takes to take better care of myself. Trust me, I've come a long way, but I never feel I do a good job of it. I'm happy with myself physically until I see a pic of myself... except for a few occassions, I feel as though I look like death warmed over. Fat and ugly... that's how I feel I look, and that's how I feel, period, so please don't argue with me. If that's not how you feel about me, good for you, but you're not the one standing in front of my mirror each morning, feeling like puking. God loves me just the way I am, good for Him, maybe someday I'll see the world from his rose colored glasses.

So why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I feel like giving up? Why do I once again feel like living just isn't worth the pain?

I'll never give up, I'm too damn stubborn to give up... but something's gotta give before I fall apart.

Offline
Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
Joined: 10/20/01
Posts: 427

Posted: 2002-07-02 15:50
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After I finished the last entry, the phone rang, it's the car company, they want to pick up our car tomorrow -- we have two months left out of the three year lease, we're trying to find ways to buy it out, and because we're two months behind, they want it back... problem is, they won't tell me what will happen if they do take it back... do we need to pay for the extra mileage, for new tires and a safety check, for the accident that I had last February (01) and didn't get fixed... so if they come and take it, but we still owe thousands, what's the point, might as well try our best to buy it, kwim?

The kids overheard me, and saw me crying after I hung up the phone, and they hugged me and kissed me and told me that they won't let anyone take Mommy's car away, they're both in the driveway right now with sticks, ready to clobber the first poor bastard that walks into our driveway.. Brandon shoved small boulders all over the driveway and around the car so they can't take it away... I can't help but wonder what this is doing to the kids, kwim? They should be enjoying childhood, not worrying about grown up problems. Brandon runs into the house to tell me what he did with the rocks and the driveway, and I can't help but smile through the tears... he's so protective, and so is Josh. He ran back outside and said "I did it, I made Mommy happy!! She's gonna be OK!" I love those two....

Love them too much to leave, hurt too much to stay.

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