Posted: 2002-05-01 18:59
Why "The Quilt"?
I was thinking about that today while driving into town. I struggle with ways to express how I feel sometimes... and even when I do find ways of expressing my feelings, it's all 'null and void' by the next day anyway! Seems like I've embarked unknowingly on another emotional ride that I don't want to be on. Maybe I was trying to explain it to myself, I do that a lot... I think a lot... sometimes too much, maybe. I talk to myself... ooh goody, maybe I do need a shrink after all
The Quilt... This is the current visualization... Picture me as being a quilt. A 27 year old, well worn and well used quilt. This quilt had a mom who loved it and still cherishes it today. A father who dragged it through hell and back, trying to tear it to shreds. This quilt has had a rough life, but it has managed to hold together fairly well. Mom has put 'patches' on it whenever she could, my favorite teacher basically sewed 'me' back together from scratch... and lately, it's been my friends on the internet, including here, who have each held a square or two of fabric, holding me together.
It seems, though, despite what everyone has contributed to this quilt, that I still manage to feel like God used non quilting thread, and I'm falling apart over and over again, unable to really get my pieces together once and for all. From afar, the quilt looks worn, but OK. At home, the quilt is walked on by two little boys who seem to seldom stop to appreciate this quilt of theirs lately... it's being ignored and neglected by a husband who takes for granted that this quilt will keep him warm, will care for him and will always be there... The biggest comfort to this quilt is a little baby girl who may chew on the quilt, but she can simply not get enough of it... the quilt, and only the quilt, will do. The quilt doesn't complain, but it needs more than it's getting in real life to keep its pieces together. The boys who walk on it wear it down... the constant caring for the baby who needs the quilt 24/7 takes its toll... and there's no one here, in this home, to throw it in the wash once in a while, patch a few spots, keep it together.
I wonder what God was thinking, sometimes.... did he use Quilting Thread? For the non-quilters, that type of thread lasts years of wear and tear, unlike basic cheap thread. If you are going to put 9 mths of work on a quilt, might as well use the very best materials, right?
There is a square for every area of my life... Brandon... Josh... Jillian... Myself... DH... Mom... brothers... father... friends... work... hobbies... happiness... sadness... marriage... finances... intimacy... identity... writing... the list goes on. This quilt has no boundaries. Each day, a few of the quilt squares see the light of day, each gets handled in various degrees.
Right now, the pieces that need the most work are marriage, identity, and Myself. I feel I've neglected my quilt square, and since this is my own quilt, my own self, I am the center piece... I fall apart, and the rest of the quilt won't hold together either. My marriage isn't all of who I am, but it's a huge part. I am married to my partner, my best friend, the father of my children. I love this man, but when problems arise, or when the marriage weakens, I suffer... when I suffer, the quilt suffers. If the quilt suffers, it fails to be able to wrap itself around the children, the friends, etc, in a comforting and effective way. That brings stress on the "myself" square, which in turn, makes this worse... As for identity, this ties in to the marriage and "Myself" squares. I am not happy with my marriage, and the issue that keeps coming up despite my trying to push it to the back burner is my identity. No, I'm who I say I am, I'm not some freak who is pretending to be someone else... I am JD, I have three beautiful children, I love ladybugs... but I have a problem figuring myself out, and I have no idea where to turn to for help in figuring it out. It's a sensitive issue, hard to explain, hard to understand... it's a volatile subject to some, offensive to others, so it's not something I easily talk about. There are no clear answers, no one holds the key either.
This goes back a LONG way. I'm talking... when I was in elementary school. I always figured that if I survived the life I'd been dealt, I would marry a man, have kids, be happily ever after married... the usual story. I had already had my share of problems with males/men... my father was sexually/physically/emotionally abusive, my older brother hated me because he figured my father preferred me (he didn't know what was going on). The boys at school were bullies and just plain hateful. I remember pulling away from all the guys in my life, and feeling a sense of comfort in the company of women. I remember watching them in awe. The teenage years were... well, hell, really, but again, I never lost that sense of wonder with women... even got curious with one of my best friends (a girl). I had boyfriends, but for screwed up reasons I don't want to get into. I think I was trying hard to fit in... and didn't think much of the fascination with women, it was embarassing. I never really clued into my feelings until the fall of 2000. Anyway, by then, I had grown up, gotten married, had kids... all was well until I got pg with Josh, my second son, in late Aug of 1997. My husband went on total withdrawal mode. I didn't get any more hugs. No more snuggles... no affection, no love, no attention, no comfort, nothing. Especially not sex, but since it was another high risk pg, I didn't miss it anyway. I figured it must have been a phase, that he'd snap out of it... once in a while, he would throw me a ray of hope, and be really kind and sweet... then nothing for months. How was I, an emotional, "touchy feely" kind of person, supposed to survive like that?
I tried my best to change things. I would go out of my way to be sensitive, to be everything I wanted him to be... "You reap what you sow" kind of theory. It didn't work. I would try to talk some sense into him, to explain how I felt... but he only saw it from his point of view. He got sex when he wanted some (about 4 times a year, on average)... he was happy... he had a wife who worked, took care of the kids, helped around the house, loved him, hugged him, and made him a home. What the heck was HE missing in life? NOTHING. So he wasn't willing to change anything, he wasn't unhappy, he was actually quite comfortable. I tried to make him understand that as a married couple, if a spouse was struggling or unhappy, the other spouse should feel a sense of duty of some sort, to help out... to do something? Yeah. Whatever. When I wanted sex and he didn't, there was no changing his mind. By the time HE wanted sex, 4 mths later, I was so starved for any kind of physical attention, that I'd cave in... if I didn't, he'd bug me for days on end... he KNEW that if I didn't feel like it, something was wrong, and he also knew that I'd give in... he always got his way. Life was always about him. I told him over and over again how I felt, what I felt was missing, how lonely I was, and how unfair it was. I went on anti-depressants. It was so bad that he knew when I'd miss a dose. Still no support, unless you consider him remind me to take my pills some sort of support.
I asked him what it was that made him so indifferent towards me... what I could do to make him love me the way he used to. He told me he loved me, but was no longer in love with me... and in the midst of this very difficult conversation, this heart to heart... I asked him what it was that I could possibly do to win him back... his "heartfelt answer"? "I think you wear gym pants too often. You should dress up more. You're overweight too, I don't find you attractive anymore."
The anti-depressants made me gain weight, and I was already 'fluffy' to begin with, and I was unhappy with myself... This answer of his made me angry, though, for many reasons. He never encouraged me to exercise, never congratulated me on any weight loss... HE always wore gym pants and has a belly on him that rivaled a 6mth pregnancy. If he was so concerned about how I looked, why not encourage me, or at least try to improve himself too... it was a double standard. He was saying "I'm fat, but it's not ok for you to be fat... and I want you to exercise and do all possible to lose weight, but don't expect me to help you, or to notice..."
MAYBE... just maybe if he'd been the husband he should have been, for better or for worse, I wouldn't have needed anti-depressants, and maybe I wouldn't have gained so much weight?
Anyway, I started walking... daily... at night, after a 3am shift. I lost 25lbs... I ditched the gym pants, started wearing dresses, started doing my hair more often, did the feminine thing... not a damn compliment, not a ounce of appreciation. Some husband. I tried my best to be more assertive in our relationship... to ask for sex when **I** wanted some... Excuse me, but when you reach into your husband's pants, and start to rub the magic wand, and he brushes you off without even looking at you, there isn't much hope... kwim? I felt hurt, abandoned, rejected, unloved, unappreciated.. taken for granted, and worthless. I resented myself for loving him unconditionally for so long when I wasn't getting the same respect from him.
I put everything I had into the kids.. and into being a mom and a housewife. I withdrew from my husband. There comes a point where you stop putting yourself in the path of the storm... just like a child who sticks his finger repeatedly in an outet... if it hurts time after time, with the same results, you stop doing it. I did some soul searching... was I happy enough to stay in this marriage? Could I actually leave him? What about the kids? I never, ever pictured myself getting divorced... I swore I would succeed at the marriage thing... I didn't want to fail.
The more resentful I became of DH, the more I realized how I felt about men in general. I was angry with DH for being one more man on a growing list of men who had ended up hurting me. He was supposed to take care of me, to love me... and he failed too. He was just like my father. I vowed that he'd be the last man to ever hurt me. I love him, but if ever something happens to him, I will NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER love another man... I won't go near another man, will never, ever sleep with another one... I won't even let another one touch me. The thought just utterly repulses me. Ironically, DH knows this, and is happy knowing that I'll never cheat on him with another man. Haaaa. Yeah, that's just great.
So.... with the feelings being so bitter towards men, I started wondering where in the world I would fill the void in my heart.. the void in my life. The need for physical love of some kind... a human touch. My kids hug me, they love me, but understandably, it didn't fill the love that you get intimately from another adult. Usually from your spouse, if you're lucky enough to have found one that loves you for who you are unconditionally. I don't know how it came about, but I began to realize how I felt about women all over again. How I had never been hurt by women as I had been hurt by men. How sensitive they were... how they were 'wired' the same way I was... they understood how I felt... loved me for who I am. I let myself accept that I'd always been fascinated and attracted to women, and against my moral upbringing, I searched for someone who could give me answers.
I found her. I met her. You could say I fell in love with her... I cared deeply about her. When I came home after spending the weekend with her, I was facing the fact that I had just found out I was pg... and I still had a husband who hadn't changed any. He was worse during my pg with Jillian than he was when I was pg with Josh. Totally NOT THERE. I was soooo sick, beyond your wildest imagination, and all he could manage to say was " I don't know how you can handle that ". He'd hand me a facecloth after I was done puking once in a while, but that was it. I lost 36lbs while pg... no compliments. I felt good, I had a really cute belly that he rarely noticed, touched, felt. It was like he didn't even know I was pg... he never asked how my appointments went. He was there at the 20wk ultrasound, and missed everything else. I never told him that I'd lost a twin in that pregnancy, he was gone that week, and I knew he wouldn't care (or show that he did), so to avoid his lack of emotional support, I never said a word.
I knew he wanted a girl... I did too. When my water broke, I told him to stay home, I'd go in, and call him from there. He said later that he didn't think 'this was really it'... he said that he felt 'nothing'... I ended up with a c-section, 4wks early, because our baby girl was breech... He was there.. he was sooo excited that we had a girl, after all these years... I was all but forgotten. He totally ignored the fact that I'd just had major surgery, 18 staples later... he didn't help me at all, or care.
He has since pretty much gotten used to the fact that we have a girl. For him, the novelty has worn off... for me, it never will. I take care of her 98% of the time. He says that he is 'tired of the baby stages'... he looks forward to the pre-school, 5yr+ stage... until then, it's up to me to take care of her, because if I don't, no one will. I DO NOT mind, though, I love her beyond life itself, and I'd do anything for her. I'd give my life for her, I would.
Things haven't changed. He still doesn't show any affection, unless I take a two week vacation... then he sends love notes via email, gushing about how much he misses me, how he can't wait to see me... blah blah blah. I get home, and it's like I haven't even been gone... nothing has changed. He says for the first two days that he's happy I'm home, but that's it. I ask to play cards with him, to spend time with him... I try to hold his hand during a scary movie, and he makes NO moves to comfort me. It's like he doesn't notice that I'm there... .a few nights ago, he made me some hot apple cider... brought it home from the store, made me a cup.. .even brought home some shrimp (after complaining --- "Do you really need some tonight???")... turns out all he wanted was sex. He'd been after me for it since I had gotten back from vacation, but I'm sorry, I just don't want to. He needs to EARN that!!!!!!!!! For more than a day. He got his rocks off, I got nothing, and he's all happy for another 4 months. Don't even get me started on the fact that he refuses to get a vasectomy even though HE wants no more kids..........
So now I'm at a cross roads.
My quilt is in BAD need of 'mending'... My marriage is nothing more than a relationship with a best friend and room mate who does nothing for me emotionally and physically... much less sexually. I have feelings for women, one in particular, and I do not know if this is the solution for my marriage... stay with this DH of mine and just get what I need from somewhere else, or spend another 7 years fighting for love and basic needs to be met... ??
Before I get 18 emails asking if he is willing to go to counselling, save yourself some time... please... he is HAPPY. He doesn't have a problem, remember? He is totally against airing his problems out to a complete stranger. It's all my fault anyway.
Hmm, wonder what he'd think of this being online?
So anyway... our 7 yr anniversary is coming up. Very bittersweet. I'm happy we've made it this far, but I'm falling apart. I am stressed out beyond belief... I'm no longer able to care for my kids in the loving, patient way I once was... I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't stop crying.
This is his last chance to do something... on a permanent basis.
Thanks for letting me 'get this all out'...
I'll be back later to see if I feel any better.
I think it did a lot of good to write my thoughts out. It's of no surprise to me, I've been like that for years. Writing is a stepping stone to healing.
You should see some of the stuff I've written... yikes.
Anyway, the night was good... I had the three kids with me while DH was out at band practice, but I didn't mind, I'm liking my 'alone time' (even with three kids) more and more these days. It takes the pressure off. I did what I wanted to, when I wanted to, without worrying about a thing. I nearly burned the house down by letting the kettle boil dry, but that's life with three kids and a frayed Mommy The Quilt. So much for apple cider tonight.
Brandon's still feeling sick, so I sent him to bed... he didn't even want to get his PJ's on, and I am sure he was asleep before he even got under the covers... he wanted to sleep in my bed, which was fine with me, since the rule to snuggling in our bed is now "only if you're sick, or deathly afraid"... since it gets crowded with two kids, a baby and two adults in a queen sized bed...
I had a good chat with the Treats on Pg.Org, checked emails, chatted with Michelle, Marie & Dewey... Dewey knows the experience of having a child who isn't growing well, and we discussed how it feels, what her opinions are on the issue with Jillian, what she's gone through, etc. It helps to know that you're not alone, although I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It helps to know that Jillian gained some weight since last week too
Josh went to bed, and I got to hold Jillian while she fell asleep... that was priceless, it's rare that she lets me do that, I usually have to let her lay down, otherwise she'll fuss until I put her in her crib. I watched her eyes flutter for a few minutes, fighting to stay awake... I watched them close, little quivering smiles dancing across her lips as she gently fell into a deep sleep full of dreams. I wonder what she dreams about?
I finished chatting when Dh got home, he wanted to know if I wanted to watch TV with him, but I didn't really feel like watching TV, so I brought three loads of laundry into the living room to work on while we 'watched' TV together. He asked how the kids' night was, but not how mine was. Not a hug, a kiss, a touch, nothing. Surprise. Instead of giving the same to him and being ignored, I chose to hug my side of the sofa. The invisible quilt began to fold laundry... after a bit, I put some away, and I asked him how much longer he'd be up... he said 30 minutes, so I 'asked' if it would be OK if I took a bath, not because I need his permission, but just incase he had other plans for us? Yeah right. I threw another load of laundry into the washer... Pine Sol'd the bathroom (if any of the Treats ever read this, they're going to crack up laughing, hee hee), and filled the tub with hot water & Orange scented bath stuff a la Treats I had borrowed another book from the Library today... It is about the story of Nicholas Green... The Nicholas Effect... I got through a few chapters while bawling my eyes out. It reminded me once again how precious life is... how very precious my kids are to me, and how much I cherish them... It made me realize once again that I must NOT let DH's actions affect me as a mother, if it's the last thing I do, I will NOT let it change the mother I want to be, the mother I can be.
Another book I read recently changed the way I think about life all over again... Not that I took it for granted before, but we can all use daily reminders (like our children)... It was "Suzanne's Diary For Nicholas". What a moving story. I wish DH would read it, maybe it would inspire him to love like the characters in that story loved their loved ones... make him realize how precious life is, how good love can be. I asked him if he'd read it, explained that it would mean a lot to me... but alas, it has more words than pictures, and it isn't about cars or guitars, so he cannot fathom reading it. He didn't even ask what it was about, he shows absolutely ZERO interest in anything I do... once in a while, he tells me I should have more hobbies, but I have no room in this house for hobbies, much less "TIME". Has he ever 'babysat' for me while I scrapbooked? He encourages once in a while, but does nothing to help me... but then when he goes to band practice three nights a week, I'm left at home with three kids while he gets to leave the house, alone, without a care in the world. I'm happy for him, I really am, because I can imagine how good that would feel to get a chance to do something like that. AND, it does give me some much needed alone time.
Anyway, when I came out of the bath, I "did my face", which basically means a facial scrub and moisturizer.... I freshened up... and I went in search of Dh... he was laying down on the sofa, sleeping... and it was odd, but I felt like I do sometimes when the kids sleep, I tiptoed around in fear of waking them up, just so I could have a little more time just for me. Feels silly to feel like that about your spouse. I went and changed the sheets and blankets on the top bunk in the boys' room, as I hadn't had a chance today, since I took care of three kids from 7:30am to 10:30pm. I woke Josh up (from our bed), and got him to pee... he was dry, thank goodness. I put him up in the top bunk (we're trying it out, that's where he wants to sleep lately). I am afraid for him, since he sleepwalks and doesn't wake up easily... but so far so good. I kissed him, and spoke to him softly and gently. Just the way it should be.
I turned the computer on, and here I am... I'm wondering what else I can do before going to bed... but it's 2:54am, I really should get some sleep. I'm worried about my friend Janine... she was upset tonight, but I'm not sure why, either way, if she's sad, so am I... I care a lot about her, she's a lot like me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
There are apparently a lot of people that can relate to how I feel, or feel a connection to me, and the same goes for me... I've found an amazing amount of people here I can relate to, and feel close to. They each help hold my quilt together at times when I don't do such a good job of it.
My friends here have taught me SOOOO much... I learn new things daily, I learn about myself, about others, about life, loss, love and friendship. I learn to love myself for who I am... I've never felt as loved as I have here, (other than from Mom or my kids, that is)... I also didn't have any self esteem before I met my friends at BC, now here. I really don't understand why they love me so much, and I haven't been able to get anyone to explain it yet either... I'll keep trying.
What a nice community
I've never had so many sisters, I wonder if my mom knows that I do??! LOL!
Posted: 2002-05-02 08:51
Good morning, I THINK?
Brandon's home again today, so basically, he will have missed an entire week of school... I have to look at it on the bright side and remember that I've spent an entire week with my son, who is usually in school, and no time with the kids should be taken for granted.
I ended up going to bed between 3 and 4am, but I couldn't sleep... I got up, did some laundry, and went to bed on the bottom bunk, with my trusty bunny & a book. I read another Chapter in the Nicholas Green story, then fell asleep. DH brought Jillian to me in the morning when she woke up, and I fed her in bed. He didn't even ask why I was sleeping there...
I don't even know why either, I feel like I'm totally withdrawing from him, and I feel myself doing it, and I can't stop. I just get repulsed at the thought of being anywhere near him right now...
The toughest thing is that we get along sooo well otherwise. We rarely, rarely fight, we laugh, we talk easily about non important issues...
I still haven't heard from Janine, and I worried about her all night. I hope she's OK, I know she'll talk when she's ready to, I just hope that everything is OK. While I wait, I pray.
The weekend creeps closer and closer... The boys are going to Mom's for the weekend, so that DH and I can "Celebrate" our anniversary. We have to bring Jillian, since she does need to eat, lol... but that's OK. I just don't know what kind of weekend it's going to be. I told DH that I was completely leaving the plans up to him, that I didn't want to know even where we were going until that weekend... that this was a test of sorts, and that he'd damn well better pass.
Part of me looks forward to this weekend, but with the way I feel about him right now, I know he's going to let me down... or worse, pretend all is fine for the weekend, and reject me once we get back home. I KNOW I plan on talking to him this weekend, but can I expect real answers, or another gym pants conversation?
My friends keep telling me to talk to him, but I've done that, over, and over, and over again, and I've never been able to reach him before, make a lasting impression... what makes anyone think that I can change his mind now, make him see me as someone he should take care of and nurture?
Mom majored in psychology, and always told me that I can't change someone else, I can only change me. If that's true, I'm done changing. I've done my best, tried everything I can think of. The ball is SOOOO in HIS court, I just don't wanna play anymore.
I also don't want to leave, I don't want a divorce, I just want to fix my quilt and make it hold together again.
Therapy -- well, writing is therapy. I have a long list of counsellors, psychologists, and even two psychiatrists, and I've only ever, ever liked ONE, and he's not available. He works with teens, and only with teens. I would do ANYTHING to talk to him right now, and have him tell me what his true thoughts are on this whole mess.
I know his email address, and we've kept in touch a few times over the years, I wonder...
Anyway, the kids want to spend time with me, and I want to spend time with them. I hope this quilt is treated gently by the boys today... and I hope I'm still 'together' enough to be comforting to them.
Posted: 2002-05-02 12:14
OK... a good friend wrote something to me this morning that gave me some food for thought. I still have to process a lot of it, think it over... but it got me thinking about some things.
I keep referring to the quilt, and to it falling apart... she wrote that I see it as a tattered, worn quilt, but that God, who made the quilt, sees it as his most beautiful work. She also said that just like I love my kids unconditionally, God loves me that way too.
So I started thinking... maybe God is the "batting" in everyone's quilt... what makes it nicer, softer, warmer, and holds all the pieces together? Maybe GOD is the thread in my quilt, I just need to get a grip on things and get sewing? Maybe there isn't batting left in it, kwim?
The batting in the quilts I make at home is all in one piece... if God was the batting in 'my' quilt, the quilt that is ME, maybe he could support all the pieces, all the quilt squares all at once, so that there aren't any that ever fall apart completely. All the squares could rest evenly on this soft cloud of support, and we could just let Him handle it all?
I believe in God, I really do... And I believe that everything happens for a reason, that all these trials that we all go through happen for a good reason, they make us grow, learn, they change who we are, but they bring us along on a journey that God intended us to be on. This has all been planned in advance... our mission should be to seek the good in all that happens.
I am just stuck right now because I don't see this marriage of mine getting any better, and I'm not sure what will fix it. If God can fix it, which I'm sure He can, as God can do anything, where has been been in the last 4 yrs where my marriage is concerned?? I feel him in my kids, my friends, my mom... everything but my husband. What does he plan on doing with my husband -- why did he bring DH into my life, but then let him turn into someone who just ends up hurting me?
Anyway, I'll think about all of this some more and come back later when my head clears a little.
I can't imagine anyone reading this entire journal... **shrugs** It feels weird to have it out in the open like this, makes me feel more than a little... uh... naked, so to speak. But, maybe it will bring a solution from an unexpected place. After all, everything happens for a reason. Destiny. God. Etc.
Posted: 2002-05-03 07:42
I've been missing in action a little bit... Brandon's still sick, had a bad fever last night, he keeps getting these fevers, all he wants to do is sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, and sleep. He has barely eaten since last Saturday, he's just skin & bones. Poor little guy! I'm going to take him to the doc this morning, he has an appointment at 10:15. Personally, I think it's mono... I hope it's nothing more serious, anyway.
Otherwise, if we could all kick this cold, we'd be doing a lot better... it's sucking the life right out of us. I feel a bad case of cabin fever happening!
I haven't had the energy to do my 'mega posts' on the Treats board, I've been reading them up like a sponge, but by the time I'm done, even though I really want to respond, I just don't have it in me... I miss my old self. I really, really do.
Dh got home around 10pm last night. Survivor was good... CSI is always freaky, but it was good, I even watched The Agency, can you imagine... THREE hours of TV in one week? I cut all the wallet sized pics, took care of Jillian, I let Josh stay up until his Daddy got home. Dh had a retirement party for his ex-boss (one that he LOVED). He said it was good, but it was really sappy, and that he couldn't take much of that... I said "I can imagine -- it's not like you're a sappy or emotional kind of guy." *grin* He made it a point to tell me he missed me all day and to give me a hug, so when I went to the store to get some munchies, I brought him back a single pack of Turtles (the chocolate kind), and he said "What was that for?" And I said "For giving me a hug when you got home, and acting like you've missed me."
He was pretty nice the rest of the night. Brandon had a fever, we both worked on him to get him to take Tylenol... you don't want to know what that was like. Brandon got to sleep in our bed again, but it's not like he's left our bed in a few days, lol. So I started out by sleeping in the bunk beds again, but I decided to go back and sleep in our bed, even though I had no pillow to myself, and barely an inch of blanket... I miss having my own spot in my own bed. Why am I the only one who ever suffers when it comes to sleep in this house?
Posted: 2002-05-03 11:51
My boys are going to drive me to drink....!
Brandon went to the doc this morning, and it would figure that this is the first morning/day since last Saturday that he's felt like getting out of bed. He was climbing the WALLS at the dr's office, and so was Josh... if they weren't climbing chairs, knocking things over, fighting and hitting each other, they were giving me "Mr. Attitude".... I was SOOOOO angry with them!! Brandon doesn't have mono, but his constant fever is probably what's making him so tired. We'll wait it out a bit more. I don't care how he feels Monday, he's going to school.
I am looking forward to a break from the boys this weekend. I can't take ONE MORE minute of them! I hope that this isn't an indication of what my entire summer will be like, with Brandon home from school... I don't want to be angry with them, but it's like they were trying to rip my heart to shreds. I hope they don't grow up to be like their father.
I dropped by WalMart to pick up some of the pics from our trip to Florida, and they forgot to give me my change... I thought I had it, and I took the long way home to drop by the scrapbook store to pick up the ONE item that I needed to do some scrapbooking this weekend, and I didn't have the change on me... UGH! I am calling WalMart this afternoon, but do I feel like going back out dragging three kids with me again? NO. NO NO NO NO!
Anyway, gotta run... thanks for listening
The Very Worn Out Need A Break Quilt
Posted: 2002-05-03 13:30
Somehow, for some odd reason, I feel totally calm right now
The quilt doesn't feel like there are two little boys using it for tug of war anymore!
Ahhh.... sigh.... feels good
I get daily messages from one of my very special friends, and it's amazing the difference it makes in my day. My best friend in Florida brightens my days too... I hope that she's feeling better today, she was in an accident this week, and is on bed rest, her back and neck are in pain
Then, there's my other friends here, Marie & Connie, who have been helping me enourmously lately... I don't know what I'd do without them. We have so much in common, it's strange!
I thought I was a unique quilt a while ago, and while I know that I still am unique, it's a great feeling to find so many similar quilts out there, lol!!!!!!!!
The Not-So-Unique-Yet-Unique-Just-The-Same Quilt
Posted: 2002-05-03 16:55
OK, this is why I don't have much faith anymore.
Mom can't take the kids this weekend. Not that DH was able to handle the simple task of making plans.
I don't know what hurts the most... that Mom let me down when she knows how important this weekend was for our marriage, or DH... I think DH, since it's not Mom's problem or responsibility anyway... but then again, Mom lives 20 minutes away from here, doesn't have any other grandkids in this province, yet she doesn't take the kids to give us a break unless we beg, and even then, it's usually inconvenient for her.
As for DH... **shrug** Maybe he's just telling me that so he can surprise me, but he wasn't supposed to tell me what the plans were until we were on our way anyway... I would be the most surprised if he made plans.
This is just like him. He knows better than to screw with my heart anyway -- he just chooses to forget that... like my birthday last year... he didn't say a single word all day, not a kiss before leaving for work, nothing to wish me a good day. He let me think all day that he forgot... then, at the last minute, he gives me a card and a gift at like... 11pm. Surprise!! The surprise was that he remembered... I told him it would have been nice if I hadn't wasted my whole day alone and wondering if he'd remember?
What if he brings home a card, should I be happy? Can I pretend?
What would God say if I left him? Would I have failed again? Is that another sin on my long list of sins? Would I be going straight to hell?
What would God say if I gave up?
JD, taking his quilt square out and stomping on it.