I have a knot in my stomach right now and I’ve been debating whether I want to write about it or not but I think if I don’t it won’t get any better for me today. First off my normal, DC said B was crying hysterically when they picked him up from school and they weren’t sure why. He told me right away, didn’t get to make a bracelet for me because he ran out of time, so I had to talk with him again about controlling our emotions and communicating properly like a big boy. He seems to be listening to me so hopefully he’ll start exercising the skills. Once home we went out to play with K & R, B wanted to stay at our house and was being rude because K had made something for him. He told me he didn’t want it and explained to him that he’ll hurt her feelings and as a good friend he needs to be respectful and see what she made and appreciate it. He was happy once they started coloring and I don’t think K picked up on anything. Once home I threw together some tacos and the kids chowed their meals. DH started getting sick and had a sore throat, raspy voice, and felt cruddy. He laid on the couch and fell asleep so I dealt with pj’s, brushing teeth, reading, and bed along with clean up but who’s keeping track? This is when things went south and I’m trying not to be silly about it because I know this is normal but it just really took me by surprise. I went to the laptop to look and see if I had any pictures of my pb cookies to post on my blog, I swear I have some but can’t find them. As I’m looking at folders of pictures I find a folder right on the desktop with porn in it. It was about 9 pictures and I didn’t really look at them in detail but mostly just topless stuff. I commented to DH that I found his porn and at first he didn’t react because he was still on the couch but then he sat up and said what. I repeated myself and he said something like oh the stuff I was looking at last night. He got up and deleted it from his laptop and said sorry. He then asked if I would forgive him and I said of course. I started to think about this more and it really started to bug me. He had gone to bed and I was doing my Hiit workout and it was so hard to concentrate when feelings of inadequacy kicked in, I mean HELLO I’m having body image issues right now. I’m nowhere near as pretty, thin, or large chested as these women and if that’s what he wants I’m SOL. I decided to check and see if there was more on the computer because I would be devastated if this was an addiction/problem and I had no idea about it. I did find some web pages in the history weeks back but it wasn’t an amount that made me concerned about a problem. I know people need to get their kicks here and there but it’s not like I’m not around nor willing. I slept like crap because I couldn’t think of anything else and today the knot has gotten bigger the more I think about it. I have a GF discussion I’m going to with GF-N tonight and once home I plan to clean more of the house and I need to talk with DH. I’m not mad I just want to understand where he’s coming from, what he needs, if there’s anything I can improve on, and if there’s anything I need to be concerned about. I feel like a fool because I didn’t think he looked at porn and maybe that’s my naivety. Bleh. I did manage to keep my food on track last night and the scale was kind to me this morning, I have my focus right now and I plan to keep it.
I keep forgetting to update on my cyst issues. So I thought I was dealing with a big daddy cyst a couple weeks ago and I was really bummed by it because I've been regularly drinking my Female Toner tea. Turns out it was my period, how stupid am I that I had to go through it before I realized what it was!?! So far this month temps look normal and nice and I hope that with my continual use of the tea, mourning and acknowleding my feelings toward the miscarriage, and getting active again I can kiss all cysts good bye.
And the cherry on top of the day.... DH just got rear-ended for the 3rd time in 4 years.
Yesterday turned out to be decent overall. The guy that rearended DH has no insurance and an expired DL, thanks for being an a-hole! At least we have full coverage so insurance can deal with him. The kids played outside for a bit when we first got home then I whipped together dinner for them and was out the door. N and I had a great dinner and enjoyed the GF talk, there was more discussion afterwards on things that are safe and answering questions for some newbies. I was even recognized from my blog, for some reason that makes me a bit embarassed. Food was on track for the day, water was over, and I got in some exercise walking around. The scale showed more of a drop this morning and I'm very pleased. Once I got home I prepped lunches, cleaned the kitchen and chatted with DH. He addressed my body image concerns before I even brought it up and reassured me that he's happy with me. He even said he worries when I start losing weight that I'll lose my ***. I told him not to worry, it's never going to go away that's just not how my body is shaped. I feel good about everything and am comfortable again.
Both kids were up before I had to wake them and we had a nice morning, it seems once they are caught up on sleep life is so much happier. B has requested that we bake chocolate chip cookies tonight, that scares me since I'm trying really hard to follow my diet. I need to clean the bathroom and floors and plan to get a good night of sleep. I'm looking forward to working through lunch so I can leave early for some one on one time with DH, 4 can't get here soon enough.
Saturday we are meeting B & A for lunch then we're going to soak in the hot springs, I can't wait! Sunday will probably be a lazy day with some chores thrown in but all in all it should be a great weekend.
I'll be praying for you earnestly, Cindy. I made it absolutely clear to my dh that porn of any kind had no place in our marriage. It's an open door to a lot of problems. Even a little bit causes damage to a marriage, hon.
Thank you. I've always felt it's a poison for people's minds and a very slippery slope, I don't want to go down it.
The past two weeks have flown by. I’ve been battling a sinus infection that just now seems to be on the way out. Yesterday was my first day not having a sinus headache so I finally got in a kickboxing workout, it felt fantastic and I’m ready to get back to it. Our past two weekends have been great and DH has been off so it’s been a lot of family time. The kids had a blast going to Chico and soaking for the day, plus it was snowing so it was perfect soaking conditions. They both are very comfortable in the water now and it was nice to not have to constantly hover around them. I had Veterans Day off and thought public school would be closed but that was not the case. I decided to start my Christmas shopping and I’m about ½ done but it took the whole day. I picked L up at 3 then we walked to Kindergarten and picked B up, he was excited to see us though there were tears because he had gotten in trouble earlier in the week for not listening and talking so he didn’t get a treat from the treasure box. We had our parent/teacher conference on Thursday so we discussed B’s sensitivity and she reassured me his crying/meltdowns have not disrupted the class. She had a great handle on it and I’m so thankful for that. She said he’s fun to have in class and he’s not one to be able to sit the whole day so she’ll let him stand at his desk when he’s had too much sitting. She showed us his testing scores and he’s a tad ahead of where they expect him to be come winter session so that was nice to see. After picking B up on Friday we went to Arts on Fire to paint presents for the grandparents and DH, it was about the only time I had to get it done. Saturday we had an inch of snow so the kids helped shovel and started the base for a snow fort. They had a great time throwing snowballs and I happily stayed in the house where it was warm. I cleaned the house, made pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving, and then made pumpkin molasses cookies. DH took B to the Jedi Training we had signed him up for and he had fun but it wasn’t quite as involved as I had hoped, oh well.
Sunday I decided that we needed to get back into going to church so I had prepped everyone the night before and once the kids woke me up I was in the shower getting ready. As soon as we’re dressed and eating L starts with a croupy cough and there went our plans to go. The last thing I want is to share illness so we stayed home. I did take advantage of the day and had cornbread, homemade bread, muffins, croutons, and lunch made before noon. It was a productive day so I had no complaints.
My weight sky rocketed this weekend, more so than I had expected, so I’m back to trying to focus and drop this weight. I have a few motivational reasons to work on it including seeing family for Thanksgiving and in bathing suits at the hot springs for the Anniversary party. Up to Thanksgiving I’m going to keep my diet vegetarian, fish and eggs are OK, and so far I’ve had a great week of not a lot of hunger/craving issues and the scale has gone down. Tonight I have the hillbilly wine club, we’re all bringing different boxed wines and some sides so that will be fun. My main focus is to not eat meat, I can do it! Well I just have to remember because I almost bought some meat to go with my cheese, oops!
I have to add in a MIL rant, sorry. We have plans to go to a hotspring resort in December to celebrate the IL's 50th Wedding Anniversary. It will be two nights plus food and gas so we're looking at easily dropping $500, I know! But it's a one time Anniversary and will be worth it. We made our reservations and told MIL we did when she commented that she would make all the reservations. We don't want them paying so we won't let them take care of it. She then tells DH she's going to move the room into her name (excuse me!) so we call and make sure that wasn't done and pay in advance for the room. Yesterday she sends a mass e-mail to all the kids saying they've booked a block of rooms and any changes need to be made by Friday. What part of we paid for our own room and have taken care of this does she not get?!? It's so frustrating but I'm letting DH deal with it. Add to this she sends me a positive home birth story from one of her friends' relatives on Monday. I respond with a positive take and how I thought it was great the big brother was involved and wondered what happened to make doctors view pregnancy as an illness they need to cure us of. She responds with a preachy "homebirth is not safe and the best place is at the hospital for both baby and mom, blah, blah, blah". I was so furious! She's the one that brought it up and then tries to turn it into a debate! I deleted the damn thing and took the high road. This is making me a bit apprehensive about spending two days with them for Thanksgiving.
Gotta love family; My sister is flying out to spend Thanksgiving with us... I made DH swear he wouldn't kill her until after the 4th day (she intends on staying only Thurs, Fri, and Sat. so hopefully it won't come to that.) :rolleyes: We can always hope MIL gets with the program and just shuts up (no insult intended).
I agree Kelly, it's the whole "If you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all". We both know we have differing opinions on a lot of things and that's OK. I guess I have to be the adult and nip it in the bud but it really makes me dread 2 days around her.
I got off work a tad early and it was nice having the extra time with the family before WC. I had lunches and clothes ready before dinner was served and had all of my treats nicely dispalyed on paper plates, had to keep it hillbilly after all. We had a lot of fun and I drove 3 of the ladies since we were all coming from the same place. I ate too much cheese but I did balance it with a lot of fruit and veggies. Today is back on track with food though I have no idea what I'll eat for dinner since I'm planning to make shepherd's pie for dinner. Maybe an egg salad sandwich if DH eats the tuna salad that is in the fridge. I plan to do a Hiit workout (they are so brutal!) and then I'll start cleaning the house. I'm going to be exhausted because DH wanted some attention when I got home, which was already late, so I got to bed almost 2 hours late. Of course L also had an accidnet around 4:45 so I was up getting her cleaned and changed and stripping her bed. At least I'm not feeling the exhaustion yet.
We finally got snow, well Bozeman did anyways. It started coming down hard right as I was needing to leave for a meeting but it turned out I couldn’t cross Kagy to get to the meeting because traffic was driving so slow. I sat there and weighed my options of “go the meeting and possibly be late picking the kids up due to slow traffic and bad roads” or “leave now and take my time getting to the kids with no worries of DC closing before I can get to them”. I chose the leave now option and ¾ of the way to town there was no snow. Bozeman gets like 5 inches and we woke up to a skiff. I’m a bit peeved because now I still have to drive on the snowy roads (which is the only downfall of snow) yet I don’t get to enjoy the beauty of snow in my own back yard. Boo! Since we were home early I got a start on dinner and then N invited us over to play so we hung out there for a bit. Dinner was late getting into the oven so I gave the kids baths then we ate. L is not a big fan of hamburger pie, I think it was the mashed taters. Once the kids were in bed I did half of a Hiit workout then went to bed. I slept really well and didn’t have any disruptions from DH or the kids so that was awesome.
Woke up feeling fantastic today, I forgot that’s what exercising did to me and I plan to keep it up. Food wise I’m doing really well with staying on track and not eating meat really brings down my calorie intake so that’s nice. The scale is looking good and I plan to keep with it this weekend and make some progress. Tonight I plan to clean so I won’t get any official exercise and tomorrow I want to do some yoga. Sunday I’ll do a calorie burner workout, I’m planning STEP and weights. No plans are set for the weekend. I had reserved the weekend for N’s b-day party but we never got an invitation so not sure if they aren’t having one or what. I plan to get a start on the Christmas cooking, chocolate covered cherries, peanut butter balls, and fudge are on my list. I also need to make some granola bars, try a new bread recipe, start wrapping Christmas presents, finish Christmas shopping, and start packing for Thanksgiving. Since my weekends in December are looking very busy I better not waste the only free weekend I have until New Year’s.
L is doing better with listening, she really gave us a rough 3-4 weeks of not doing what she’s supposed to and not caring. She’s very good at laughing things off even when she’s in trouble, it’s frustrating. She is really into coloring and drawing right now, plus working on tracing her letters. I swear she spends most of her time at the counter doing art so I plan to get a nice organizer to hold everything in a nice clean fashion. She tells a lot of stories about her little brother and sister plus about her great grandma Leona. She’ll say she misses her because she’s in heaven, it’s pretty sweet. Add to this the stories she makes up about her grandma and grandpa, like grandma getting mad at grandpa because he was naked and ran up and down the street. She also loves to put the “g” sound in front of words even though she can say them just find. For instance gabloon is what she says for balloon and gregrage is what she says for garage. She’s got her own ideas and won’t change even though we correct her.
B has been working very hard at not crying/breaking down over little bumps here and there. I’ve been very proud of him and have been praising him for the hard work. I really should reward him for working so hard because we haven’t had a meltdown in over a week and I’m so thankful for that.
I just got a call I was somewhat expecting but hoping to not receive. B was glutened at school today. Mrs. H had put cookies a mom brought in out not thinking that B couldn't have them. When he sat down he asked the student teacher if it had gluten and she said no (Moron! Don't answer the question if you don't know what it means!) so he took a bite and then Mrs. H saw him and stopped him from eating the rest. I'm going to have to get him some meds first thing and stay close to a bathroom all weekend. My poor boy!