Okay so I need somewhere to put all my thoughts out there and I figured this is a good place. So it has been 3wks since we split up and its driving me nuts. We agreed nothing would change. Except we would live in different places and get some marriage counciling. We would still do family things and he would still be there for me and the kids. Well he hasnt done anything we agreed on. He doesnt call or come see us. He has taken the kids once. But I dont think thats enougH. I can count on 1 hand how many times he has just stopped to see them. And tonight was the last straw I wanted him here for Easter. He was supposed to spend the night to be here in the morning maybe that is asking a lot but its just something I wanted. Well I called him today before the birthday party and he asked him if he was still coming over he said he believes so then goes on to whine about how he didnt get to go out lastnight cause he fell asleep and he kinda wants to go out tonight. I say whatever do as you please you dont have any responbilites anymore. He tells me to call him when I get back in town so that he can come in and be with us. Well I called him at 5pm when I got home and of course he was out with his friends. His parents even asked who I was . I have been in their family for 5 yrs and they need to know who I am like he has so many girls calling for him. So its now 10pm and I havent heard a thing from him. I am dieing inside I dont know what to do I love him so much but we needed this break up so he would know he cant control me anymore and that he needs to grow up and be a husband and a father. And I think I just pushed him futher from us. I asked him a couple of days ago if he is seeing anyone and he told me no but Im not so sure I believe him. The boys are starting to call most males they see daddy and I am constantly correcting them. I just dont know what to do anymore. I think my depression is coming back and hopefully at my counciling appointment on Tues they can start me on something. His mom pulled me aside the other day and asked me what was going on with us and if I wanted him back. I told her he hasnt changed he still trys to control me and only cares about himself and we need councling. She said she hopes we get back together soon cause she can tell this is killing him. I dont think it is or he would call more or come see us. I finally had a good cry tonight too. I havent cried since we split up but tonight i let it all out he really hurt me tonight and I dont know if I can forgive this one. If he wants the single life and his stupid friends and bars he can have them cause Im not waiting for him to grow up anymore. I guess me and the boys dont mean as much to him as he keeps saying we do if he couldnt even give them up 1 night to come be with us. But this is getting long and Im crying again so Im gonna go.
So he calls me this morning about 10am or so and I freaked out on him. I didnt plan to but he had me so upset lastnight. So I yell at him for about 10 mintues and ask him if he is coming to see his kids today. He asks me if I have given them thei baskets and I tell him yes he then says well theres no point coming in anymore then is there. Hello it is still a holiday and you havent seen your kids in almost a week. So I say whatever and hang up on him. Well Q keeps asking for daddy so I decided to call him about 3pm and ask pretty much beg him to come see his kids. I feel so stupid doing this but it hurts to hear Q ask for him and hear him call everyone daddy. He tells me he is eating dinner with his family and he will call me back and let me know. We also talked and fought for about an hour about everything going on. I told him how upset I was lastnight that he chose his friends and the bar over his family which he has been doing a lot lately. He dont think he has been doing that. I ask him if he thinks this is permanent or if we are going to try and work this out with counciling. He didnt really gave me an answer just said that this is what I wanted and just cause i relised I wanted him back he still has things to think abuot. Then goes on to throw it in my face how I slept with someone 2 days after us splitting up and says if I called anything about him I wouldnt have done it that soon or at all. I dont know why I did I was just happy to know that someone still wanted me. I tell him I dont believe he hasnt been with anyone else and he says he has had plenty of chances but not taken up on any of them. I dont believe him for a second he lies to me to easy and this one sounds liek a lie. And just hearing him say that about killed me. So I am waiting for him to call its been an hour since we hung up so we will see what happens.
Well he called back after like 2hrs and said he couldnt come in he had some things to do around his mothers house before going back to work tomorrow but that he would come in tomorrow night and stay with us. He then said he had to go and would call me back later well he never did so Im not even counting on him coming and staying tomorrow night. I was talking to mom a little bit today about everything and she told me I need to let him go and work on me and my problems. Maybe she is right I mean if he dont want me then I dont want to force him to be with me. I hate having to force him to call or come see us. But its late and Im gonna go now.
So he came in after work yesterday and fell asleep and slept like all freakin day and night. If I knew he was just goign to do something like that I wouldnt have been nagging him to come in and see us. He did call of work today to ''spend time with us'' but he knew I had stuff to do in the morning and I was up all night with D and Q because both are sick and D is teething. So he got pissy there because he has always hated crying babies. I finally get D to sleep at like 3am and his mother calls at 5:30am and D woke up. Which made me upset because I hadnt gotten much sleep and needed to be up at 7am. So I have to take the kids to my parents because he wouldnt wake up and watch them. So when I get home at 10:30 he is still sleeping and I wake him up to spend time with the kids. He informs me he is hungry and wants me to make him something and of course I do. Then when the kids lay down for a nap I lay down for awhile to only to be woke up and hour later by his mother calling again. I dont understand why she cant let him grow up and live his own life. I swear some of our problems we wouldnt have if she would butt out and let him grow up and take some responsibilites. The boys need diapers and wipes so hopefully he will buy them this week for me seems how he wont give me money. I got a new babysitting job though so that I can still be home with the boys. The little guy I babysit is the exact age as D so we should see how this works out.But its time for dinner so Have to go feed the boys.
So alot of things have been going on besides the stuff with him and I. We found out about a week and a half ago that my sister was raped when she was 12 she is now 15. This is so hard for us to deal with in so many ways. One of the biggest one was it was done my my brother in law while my half sister videotaped it. We were kinda hesitant to believe her at first cause she is known to lie a lot but she told my mother she could prove it and then 3way called my half sister and talked about it. And my half sister fell for it and talked about it and even put my brother in law on the phone and he said it. And my mother, father and I all heard it. I wanna hurt her so bad for doing this to our little sister and prolly would have if she wasnt due to have a baby any day. They have 4 other kids too and dont have a 1 of them all of them are in foster care . And the messed up thing about all of this is my half sister was molested when she was a baby and now she has done it to her own sister. Well when my mother found out it was true she called the cops and filed charges. So 2 days after the charges were filed we seen it on the news that they were arrested and we found out a whole bunch of other stuff. Come to find out that they also took pics of my little sister and posted them on the internet along with the video. I guess Yahoo caught ahold of them and then contacted our state police telling them about the pictures. That was 2yrs ago the police couldnt do anything because the address my half sister put on her Yahoo account was an old one abnd the police didnt know who the girl in the photos were. So now my brother in law is in jail on $10,000 bail and my sister is out because she is due any day with the baby. They are both facing up to 40yrs or so in jail if found guilty. They are denying it all even though the police have all this evidence. My half sister even went on the news denying. She even had enough nerve to ask my Aunt for my sisters address so she could go see her So everything is very crazy here and I dont know how much more I can take. I havent talked to him since he spent the night but its almost not bothering me. But Im done writing for now.
Sometime I really do hate him. So he came and spent the night Friday night after he had gaming. Well before he went to gaming he ran me to the grocery store well I tried holding his hand and he wouldnt hold mine so I said whatever. But when he goes to drop me off the cute neighbor guy said hey to me and I said hi back so he freaks out why I have no idea goes on to ask me if I alwasy say hi to him and that the kid next door has a crush on me and I shouldnt encourage him then makes sure he kisses me while the neighbor kid watchs . So then that ngiht he gets back to my house about 11pm and I was kinda sleepy and falling asleep well he yells and says he didnt come to stay with me and watch me sleep and if thats what Im going to do he is leaving so I got up and put a movie in for us to watch. Not even half an hour into the movie he falls asleep So I wake him up off the couch to go into the bedroom so I could sleep too. Only he had other plans once we got into the bedroom even though I told him before he came to town I didnt wanna do anything because I have a cyst and it hurts. So I gave in and did it anyways to keep him happy. I was smart this weekend and shutmy cell phone off so his mother couldnt call us. So we sleep in til like 11 and I asked him to take me grocery shopping but he couldnt because he had to help a friend paint and his sister move. So I have yet to be able to get some grocerys but the neighbor guy is taking me tomorrow . So he called me Sat. night but I was busy and told him I would call him back well when I did his sister answered the phone and said she would have him call me back well he never did. So then Sunday morning I call him again because I was having a big dinner and wanted him to come well once again she said she would have him call me right back and no call. So about 2 hrs later I call again and he answers and I asked why he wasnt returning my phone calls and he said his sister never told him so when he asks her she was like oh yea she called you . His family is evil and I swear none of them like me only pretend to cause I have their grandbabies. So I go on to invite him to dinner and he said he dont think he can make it because the weather is really bad out and he dont wanna tempt it in here. Well while we were having dinner his mother calls my dads cell phone thinking it is one of his friends phones and asks for him. Busted jerkoff!! So then he calls me not to long ago and ask me how dinner went and stuff and I tell him good. And ask him if he was with his friend tonight he stutters then I tell him not to lie to me cause I know he was and he says yea I was no big deal. I went off this is the 2nd time he has chose this stupid friend over a family thing. I hate this friend because when we were together this friend was always trying to get him to cheat on me. I hate how he treast me yet I let him do it. I really need to work on this and I hope counciling can help.
So I havent been writing here for awhile. Buut things have been kinda crazy. I think we are done or so he says he is filing a divorce. This past weekend I didnt have the kids and I had friends over one being the next door neighbor guy. Well some things happened and he spent the night Sat. night. Well stupid me forgot to set the alarm and make sure he was gone before A. showed up. So A walked in and found neighbor in bed with me. He didnt say anything really just got an angry look on his face and walked out. I chased after him and told him nothing happened that J and I were just friends. Well things were going okay I guess he forgave me or something like that. But I kept not talking to A and talking more with J and now I really like J. He is so sweet and so good with the kids. So I told A about us yesterday. He freaked out on me and told me he is gonna file for a divorce and take the kids so none of my men hurt them like I am sleeping around or something liek that. Im so confused right now I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should forget about this thing with J and try to work on my marriage. But Im so happy with J Im constantly smiling now and Im so happy but I didnt wanna hurt A this way. I dont know Im so confused.
So things are still going great between J and I. Yesterday A stopped by while I was at J's house but its only right next door so we seen him pull down the street. So I came over to see what he wanted. He was in my bedroom laying on my bed when I came in and I asked him wheat he wanted and he said nothign he just wanted to stop by . He never wanted to just ''stop by'' before but now that J and I are hittin it off he wants to. J doesnt want to start stuff so he always stays away but A still runs his mouth about him saying stuff like if he ever hurts the kids he would kick his butt or A thought they were friends yes they played Xbox together a couple of times but that doesnt make them great friends. I dont know Im really startin to get fed up with A's childish crap. He really pissed me off yesterday when he left too. Quinton was on the porch and he was saying hi daddy and waving and stuff and A ignored him and sped off my dad then starts going off on me saying I need to make A start paying attention to the kids and saying he is going to kick A's butt for not paying attention to his kids.I cant make A do anything if he dont want to take his kids or talk to him its his lose the boys are amazing and if they want nothing to do with A its gonna be his own fault. Thats also a difference between J and A. J is soooo great with the kids. He stayed over last night. And this morning when Damien woke up he told me to lay down and he took care of him. J's parents are trying to get him to join the army though and its something he has always wanted to do but he says now that he is finally starting soemthing with me he dont want to mess it up by leaving. I told him it would mess anything up but he dont believe me so he wants to put it off a bit. I really dont want him to but he said he dont care he is waiting and is just going to enroll in college for now. My parents had friends over yesterday and one of my mothers friends kept telling me what a glow I had to my face. I cant stop smiling Im so happy right now I love it. But its time for dinner so I will write a little later.
Okay so things are getting kinda crazy here and all I wanna do is crawl in a hole or just have a huge screaming fit. Sunday night A showed up outta the blue for what I have no idea. But I was outside playing with Quinton when he showed up and we were talking just fine and then Quinton kept screamin for J everytime A went near him didnt help when Quinton kept seeing J's mom. So I walked Quinton up to see J's mom and I could tell A was but I didnt really care. So when I come back outside I walk back down to the house and find A had gone inside so I took Quinton into my mother and walked upstairs to see what A was doing. I found him laying on my bed he does this almost every time he comes to my house. So I ask him what he is doing and he says nothing and I ask when he is leaving because I seen the clock and knew J would be getting to my house soon. And A said he didnt know. So I went out in the living room and was watching tv about 5 mins later A comes out and sits next to me. So we watch a little bit of tv and I was kinda ignoring him cause I just wanted him to leave so he tells me he is gonna go and ask me to help him up and me not thinking anything about it go to help him up and he pulls me down on him and trys to kiss and hug me. I didnt know what to say so I just oushed myself away from him and walked away turning off lights so he wouldnt try to stay. He walks after me and trys it again this time I slap him and tell him no it didnt phase him at all he acted like I didnt do anything. He then starts to mess around tryin to grab me and pull down my pants and whatnot I freaked and screamed and ran down my steps. My dad freaks out and comes out of his house yellin and freakin out on A wondering what was going on. I told my dad nothign to go back inside I would deal with it. So I tell A he has to leave and after a few minutes he finally did. And then Monday afternoon I had WIC appointment that J took me to and dropped me off and I was supposed to call him when I was done and he would come back and get me. Well when I was finished I called J to come get me. Well while J was waiting for me to get my checks A showed up. So to not cause any scenes and to stop J from tryin to fight A I just left with A. I told him on the ride home he wasnt allowed to come around anymore with out calling that I was tryin to move on and give J and I a try to see if anything could work out. He didnt seem to happy and I havent seen or heard from him since. He is supposed to take the kids this weekend so we will see if he actually does cause its also his birthday this weekend. And we agreed in the begining that our weekends with the kids that person wouldnt go out. Another thing buggin the crap outta me today. This morning J and I were wrestling around and playing with the kids on the bed. Just laughing and having fun well he was holding me down so Quinton could tickle me and he just looked at me and said I love you. I didnt know what to say or do I have known J for about 2yrs and he said he has always liked me but I was married so he didnt say anything. I dont know if he actually meant it or if it just came out and I dont want to bring it up to him incase he didnt mean it I guess. So yea Damien is starting to crawl which now has me chasin 2 little ones around. He has also started doing this little face when he gets excited its so cute everyone cracks up everytime he does it. I bought Quinton a bunch of water balloons and water guns yesterday so we all had a huge water battle today and I think I was the main one wet. But Im gonna go for now!!
Hey sweety, hope you don't mind me posting here, but I have been thinking about you and I really hope all is well for you and the boys! I am ready for an update girl! HUGS!