Random Thoughts of a Peri-Menopausal Woman
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  1. #1
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    Default Random Thoughts of a Peri-Menopausal Woman

    I've put off starting a journal on this site for some time. First of all, if you want to "journal," why not just get a notebook and do it instead of doing it on a public forum? Seems kind of "look at me." But, the thing is, I really felt a little stupid writing things in a notebook or even in Word on my computer. This way, I feel like I'm talking to someone. Maybe someone will acutally read it, maybe not. The point is, when I'm feeling really unacceptable (i.e., whiney, really angry, insecure, etc.) I don't want to talk to friends or family - too risky. And I've been feeling unacceptable more often than not lately. So, this way, I'm kind of talking to myself, trying to work things out in my head - but if anyone should choose to read/comment on something I've posted, it's still safe since I don't know you and you don't know me.

    Like the subject says, I'm getting to be of a "certain age." I'm a wife and SAHM (2 boys - 4 & 9). I am the oldest mom in either of my boys' groups. I have lost over 100 pounds - the problem is, it's the same 5 lbs over and over and over . . . . Right now, the best way to describe me is an unhappy, overweight matron, with a touch of bitterness thrown in for good measure. As you can see, today I am feeling really unacceptable.

    I guess the purpose of all this is to help me like myself again. I'm not quite sure when I stopped.

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    I've finally started to give the baby clothes away that I used for my boys. Well, some of them -- there are some little outfits that I can't part with yet. It makes me so sad. Where have the years gone? I can remember finding this site when I was pregnant with #2, and now he's 4 already.

    Considering some of the posts I've read on the different boards, I know I should really count my blessings and be glad that I have my 2 boys. I am, but, I can't help wanting to have another baby. I know that at my age, conception would probably be difficult. I also know that it would be dangerous considering my OB history with the 2 I have. And then there is the extremely increased risk of birth defects. Still . . .

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    I'm pathetic today. I'm lonely and sad and pathetic. I don't know if it's a side effect from the sleeping pills I've had to take lately or hormones. (It's always so convenient to blame one's mood on hormones.) Or, maybe, it's the time of year. You know, summer is just about gone and long, grey and brown winter months loom ahead. Maybe I'm just losing my mind.

    My DS's start school at the end of the month, and that always fills me with gloom. Partly because I can still feel that horrible dread in my stomach that I would experience every year when school would start. I didn't just hate school, I loathed it. Nevermind. Water under the bridge.

    My life is going by so quickly, and I really have nothing to show for it. My children, I guess. But I feel like such a horrible mother all the time, I'm sure I'm screwing them up royally.

    Do any of you pray? Would you mind praying for the crazy woman who thinks she's losing her mind. I can't pray anymore - I don't think anyone's listening.

    I am so pathetic!

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