I couldn't really put my journal into any one specific category. I want it to be about my struggle to develop a healthier lifestyle, get pregnant, and maintain being pregnant. After 2 miscarriages in 9 months I am exhausted. I have so many different feelings and they change every hour. I would like this journal to be a record for me and for any others who might relate to what I am doing. I also like the way an online journal makes you accountable for maintaining a record. Things make a little more sense, they become more real when they are in black and white. So, if and when you read my entries know that I will not hold back. Anything and everything that is bothering me will be recorded. I look forward to reading any comments that may come up.
Here we go!
Okay. So I had a rough couple of days. Angie had her baby. It came a month early but she now has a beautiful baby girl. I went to see Angie in the hospital but she was asleep when I got off work. I didn't want to wake her so on my way out I passed the nursery. There I saw little Baby Madison. I thought I would never breathe again. I want a baby so much but I just don't know if it will happen. The idea of getting pregnant again terrifies me. I don't think I could lose another one. I'm just extremely angry. I did everything I could to protect my pregnancy and I lost it. Angie did so many things during her pregnancy that she knew were wrong but she has two beautiful children. I'm just so jealous. I am currently trying to put all of my energy into the new house. We close in 2 days and get to move in 4. There is so much to do and I haven't even started packing. No time to pack. DH's sister is getting married this weekend so I think I will just get a coffee IV and not sleep at all. Well, maybe that's not the best idea I have ever had.
Closing on the house was a nightmare. They called on Thursday wanting my paystub so we could close on Friday. Ok no problem. OMG I washed my paystub and it was in a million pieces. I was up at my work calling payroll at 7am trying to get them to fax a copy to my broker. They said that it would take at least 2-3 days before they could get to it. I explained that I was closing in 5 hours and they wouldn't budge. They finally agreed to tell my broker over the phone was my YTD totals were but they absolutely could not put it in writing. I go see my broker at 8. Bank doesn't open until 8:30. Broker still not at work at 9:30. We call him and tell him where were at and he tells me they no longer require my paystub but they forgot to overnight the money so the THDA grant money would not be there. Great! So we call the seller and explain to them that he would receive 117,000 on Friday and the other 4,000 on Monday. After an hour he okayed it. So at 1:00p.m. my husband and I bought our first house. What's so funny is that we offered 121,330 for the house but our loan is only for 120,275 which means the grant covered a little bit more than closing which is awesome. Today I am trying to pack up our apartment. We have movers expected at 8 am and my husband still has not packed one single thing. I told him if he didn't pack his closets they would stay in the apartment. I am curious to see if he tests me.
I am excited about the house. I have a couple of small projects and then I can start to work on me. Hubby said I could join the gym now that we closed on the house. And he bought Nicorette so he will stop smoking which is something that really bothered me when I was pregnant. I guess today I am hopeful. I bet tomorrow will be exhausting.
Somedays I just don't know what I am doing. The house is all put together. Just a couple of odds and ends to pick up here and there. Now what? I am so bored. Phillip is working third shift this month so it has been hard adjusting to him being here when I get off work and leaving right before I go to bed. I used to have a few hours to myself and then Phillip would come home and we would eat dinner watch a little tv and go to bed. As much as he annoys me some times I miss him being there when I wake up.
Ok, so everyone around me is getting pregnant. Half of them are oops. I just want to scream. On the other hand I'm not ready to TTC again. My weight is now a serious issue for me. I remember 2.5 years ago 140 lbs. was the absolute max I would ever let myself way. Now it's my goal weight. I wonder how long it will take me to lose 40 pounds. It probably wouldn't take as long if I got off my a## and got moving. I have horrible eating habits, never do any physical activity, and I sleep erratically. I need to find something to motivate me. As far as what I eat, that will take a little work. Phillip will not eat a vegetable to save his life so I need to find some healthy main course alternatives that he would eat and eat the veggies for lunch. Breakfast is a big issue. I just can't seem to get going in the morning. I take a shower at night so I don't have to get up even earlier. Wow, I really am lazy.
I think I will work on a list of goals. I need something concrete.
AAAGGHHHH. I'm just so frustrated. I'm not even sure why. There just seems to be so much that I am supposed to be doing so instead I do nothing. My husband went out of town for a football game. I spent the time putting together the bedroom suite that finally arrived, cleaning the mold off the porch(I live in TN and around this time of year all of the houses turn green with humidity), cleaning the windows, staining a shelf, and killing the giant spider that lived in the bush. Phillip came home and hadn't noticed anything. Hell, if I hadn't know I'd done it I wouldn't have noticed. I just feel useless. I think I am the part of life where I lament all paths taken and am convinced that my husband is a moron for marrying someone like me. This past week I made dinner once. Know what is was, sandwiches. Actually, I didn't even make the sandwiches. I put everything on the table and had him make his own. He cooks and he works 55 hours a week overnight. Then he gets up, does the laundry, mows the lawn, and has dinner on when I get home. I wish he would stop doing everything so I could do something.
I know that I am basically trying to find reasons to be annoyed with him. I don't think it's PMS but the idea that it could be infuriates me. I am so angry about not being healthy enought to try and start a family right now. I am angry that I have no idea how to cook anything except casseroles and my husband refuses to eat a vegetable. I am angry that I am afraid to go to town because of the price of gas. I am angry that I can't do anything to help those in Louisiana. I called the hotel in FL where we were planning to go on vacation in two weeks and cancelled our room reservations so that they could house refugees. I am just angry.
Maybe it is PMS. I think I will go eat carrots.
Well it wasn't PMS. About a week ago I discovered I was pregnant. My husband and I had a little quickie the night of my birthday before he had to go to work. That's all it takes. I am due May 20th. I honestly don't know how to take it. I am trying very hard to not be happy about it. I am doing very well. We are not going to tell anyone until I pass the first trimester.
I am terrified. I am afraid I will lose this child and there is nothing I can do about it. I am afraid that it is my body, my weight, my eating habits, or any number of things that affect whether or not this child survives. I want it so bad.
I am going out of mind. I looked up the plant on the internet beside my house to see how to trim it. Turns out its very poisonous. I became terrified. I tore at the plant for to hours ripping it from the ground with my bare hands. When my mother in law asked why I tore up such a beautiful plant all I could say was that I didn't like it. I sounded like a raving lunatic.