FEEL FREE TO POST COMMENTS ON THIS JOURNAL, I DON' T CARE!
Hello! I'm Amy. I'm kinda active here on Preg.org.
This last few days, I have given some hard thoughts to where I am in life, where I want to be. I posted these thoughts on my blog but wanted to set it up here too. There may be things I want to post that I don't want to on my blog so --while this isn't private either --its less likely to be found.
If anyone actually reads this, please feel free to comment in this journal. Its not rocket science, my ramblings may be long, and more importantly they may make no sense. But I loved reading over my rants in my TTC journal, maybe five years from now I will love reading over this journey.
By quick intro, I am almost forty, have four children, DSD, 28 and DSD, 26, are step, DD, 23 I adopted from foster care when she was 9, DS 2 is the love of my life. I am married to an amazing person and I think I'm facing a mid life crisis.
December 1, 2010
I don't remember when, or how, or why, but one day I woke up and really realized that I wasn't happy. Not that I was expressly unhappy, I just didn't like who I was or where my life had gone. I've never really talked to anyone about this, a few times with hubby, sorta, but not really. I'm not sure when I stopped being happy, and I'm not even sure I know why I'm not happy.
Don't get me wrong – I love my family. I love my daughters and could not live without my baby boy. My husband is my best friend, I adore him; he is the first person I look for in the morning and the last person I think of at night.
It's more where my life is, what I have done with it, what I have not done.
How do I know I'm not happy? I have no zest for life. I go to work and exist through the day, just waiting for the clock to say go home. I go home, and exist. I have a few glasses of wine, some nights maybe more, hang out for a bit, wait until my son goes to bed, veg out watching tv, wait to go to bed, toss and turn, get up tomorrow and do it all again.
I exist. That's it.
I have been a lawyer for ten years. The past several years, I have really done nothing. I started out good, people thought I was going somewhere, my name would be known, you'd read about me. I think I started out on the right path but somewhere went left instead of right. Or maybe even took a u-turn. I earn less money now then my first year out of law school, have less responsibility, I exist. My name is not known, no one cares. I'm the one that shows up and everyone says who are you.
I saw a job opening recently, not that I am looking, but it was a great opportunity. I didn't even bother. I am simply not qualified. There is nothing I can point to recently that would impress anyone, least of all me.
After ten years, other lawyers have gone on to partnership, trials, things that they really enjoy. My cousin who is a year older is a judge, another cousin, a year younger, a partner in a large law firm. Me, I exist.
After the accident, in 2004, I learned to live with pain. It's not so bad now, still there. But I went from being in the best shape of my life, to the worst. Baby weight that won't go away, extra pounds from when I quit smoking, probably a few extra pounds from those few glasses of wine.
I have almost no friends IRL; I don't call those I do have because why would they want to hear from me? They have lives, exciting things, my life is boring.
I have almost no money in savings, owe debts up the wayhoo and my balance on my student loans is increasing, I haven't made a dent while most of my peers probably have paid theirs back completely.
This isn't how it was supposed to be. I had goals, aspirations, dreams. I was going to accomplish something. Somewhere along the road, I let a few bumps hold me back. I took the safe way, not the hard way. I learned to exist.
My husband is ten times the parent I am. He is ten times the spouse.
I am not the lawyer, the wife, the mother I wanted to be.
And I'm not happy.
And you know what? It's my own damn fault.
The only person who can change this is me.
I need to decide, do I want to be happy, or just be.
In a month, it will be 2011. A new year, a new start. I need to decide how I am going to change, what are my goals and how am I going to reach them. I need to stop thinking of what could have been and look to what is, and what will be. It's not too late to change, it's not too late to make me into who I want to be.
It's not too late to be happy.
So its my time, 2011 is my year. I am going to use this month to decide how and what I'm going to change, who I want to be, where I want to go.
I don't actually think anyone reads this blog J LOL, who would, after all who am I? But I am going to try to use this as my log of my attempts. We will see. If anyone does read this, feel free to chime in, I need all the help I can get.
I just want to be happy again.
Last edited by SoCaliLover; 12-02-2010 at 08:43 PM.
December 1, 2010, part two
So I've thought a lot about my earlier post. I need to make changes; I need to be who I want to be, I need to find who that person is. I think the first thing I need to identify is what areas of my life I want to change, what I am doing that I want to change, where I want to be, and how I'm going to get there. I have a dear friend who has fallen on hard times as of late. I am always asking him where does he want to be, how is he going to get there. It's one thing to make a goal, it's another to set forth the steps necessary to meet it. And, before you make a goal, you need to know what you want to change.
So here, generally, are the areas of my life—sorta the compartments. I will add to these and narrow them down over the next bit. I will also analyze each and try to decide what I don't like, and what I do, and how I can fix it. These are not in any order, though honestly, I guess maybe they are.
Relationships with my girls
Relationship with my son
Relationship with my husband
Relationships with others
Am I doing what I love?
Am I doing the best I can?
What paths lay in front of me
How do I balance being the breadwinner, desire for career, and being a mommy and
Things like cooking/food issues (complicated will explain later)
Hubby wants to buy a house, I'm not as sure
Last edited by SoCaliLover; 12-02-2010 at 08:44 PM.
December 2, 2010
I don't know why that's the first thing that comes to mind, the first part of my life I want to tackle. Maybe it's the season, maybe something weighing on my mind.
I'm Catholic. Well sorta, I mean, I am Catholic, I went through RCIA and everything. Let me see if I can explain.
My religious upbringing was, well, scattered. My mom was raised Baptist (I think) and my dad was from a very strong German Lutheran family. They went to a Methodist college in rural Missouri. I was baptized something, not sure what, and don't remember going to church much at all as a child.
My brother and I went to a Lutheran summer camp for years as children, not because it was Lutheran but because it was one of the few sleep away camps that had programs for special needs children like my brother.
I remember candlelight services Christmas eve when I was a child, they were beautiful. We went to some church, lit candles and stood outside in a circle singing songs. Easter was about the Easter bunny and getting a pretty new dress. I don't remember church, though it was possible.
I do remember going to a Lutheran Church once, might have been Easter? It was interesting but once they started the communion part, my mom got upset and made us walk out.
As a pre-teen, my mom decided I needed to start going to church. Or more precisely Sunday School. So my dad would wake me up, make me get dressed, drop me off at Sunday school, and pick me up before Church. I remember this screaming fight with my mom on whether or not I was going to wear a mini skirt (my first) to Sunday School..> I was 12, the skirt barely was above my knees. (Umm my mom would roll over in her grave if she saw the length of the skirt my daughter wore to Catholic school) But I digress. I was confirmed Methodist sometime around then.
I spent a year at an Episcopal boarding school in 9th grade – again not because it was Episcopalian but rather in spite of it.
Flash forward a few years, I was almost 18 living with a pseudo foster family in the deep deep south. They were Pentecostal…sorta. They were deeply religious…sorta. (there's that word again!) They belonged to this church lead by "Brother Ted". From what I understood, the church wasn't a part of any organization, wasn't sanctioned or overseen by any governing body.
Having never been around this type of church, it was so very odd. Services started at 9:00 a.m. Sunday and went to past 1:00 p.m. Then you had to be back at 5:00 and that service went into the late night. Wednesday night too! The services started out okay, about an hour or so of singing, but then it was hour after hour of this man SCREAMING at the top of his lungs into a microphone, fire, brimstone, everyone was going to Hell. Women would fall down, speaking in tongues they said, it was all quiet a circus.
That wasn't the problem.
The problem was the people.
The women would come and preach against anger, violence, of docility and love…and go home and beat their children black and blue.
The men of this church would talk about fidelity, family, God and country, and stop off at the bar on the way home, and then their girlfriends.
The pastor spoke about the need to give, you weren't a real Christian unless you tithed, gave more than you had, your children went without food so the money would go in the offering ….to buy Brother Ted a new house, pay for his brand new Cadillac.
The church preached about love, forgiveness, how everyone was a brother..as long as you weren't black, weren't Jewish, weren't anything other than one of them.
God forbid I said anything. Judge not lest you be judged. I couldn't question. You know, that's fine. That was their way. That was what they wanted, I guess.
But they judged me. These men, with women on the side, their own family beaten into submission, had the audacity to judge me. This young street kid who dared to wear jeans and wanted to go to college, who wasn't looking for a husband or wanting to settled down (my foster sister had her first child at 15) ..I was evil incarnate. Their goal was to force me to submit, make me see the error of my ways; make me into one of them. Mmmmmm Not. They lectured me, at least two full sermons (screaming for hours into a microphone) were directed right at me…wicked children become wicked women and are the entire reason for evil in this world, Satan and Eve musta been my best friends. (Oh and don't get me started on their stance on women in general!) They prayed for me, prayed over me, prayed behind my back. I was never quite sure if they were praying for my deliverance or for me to get hit by a car!
After awhile, I got wiser. My foster family realized they weren't going to change me. I made a deal. I understood that I was required to go to Church, but I wanted to go to a Church of my choosing, something closer to what I believed (or was comfortable embracing). They finally agreed. As long as I was in Church, attending however many services were required/expected. Hence my introduction to Catholicism. In and out sometimes in 45 minutes, once a week, you're done. Since I was not Catholic, attending Catholic Church meant I didn't get roped into any major commitments. Besides, I don't remember there being a Lutheran Church anywhere I think I didn't like the Episcopal one for some reason.
More importantly, Catholic was as far opposite as the Pentecostal church as I could get.
When I left my foster family, I can't say I went to church much after that. A few times, with friends or on the holidays I might but really not.
Flash ahead to my daughter. Tiff's biologicals were Catholic, sorta. She really hadn't been to church much until she went into foster care. Her foster mom before me was apparently a rather extreme Baptist or Penacolstal…Tiff wasn't allowed to watch the Lion King because (to the foster mom) the scene depicting the baby lion being held up and the other animals bowing was blasphemy because there was only one true God and kneeling to anything else was sacrilege. So she was happy to get away from that.
My best friend felt that Tiff should be exposed to religion and started taking her to church. Jeannine was Episcopalian then, now I think she's Atheist, but the closest church was Lutheran. I had Tiff baptized in that Church.
When we moved across country after Tiff was adopted, for a lot of complicated reasons Tiff was going into private school. As this was mostly pre websites, I had researched and found a private Lutheran School and enrolled Tiff. She stayed there two years.
After that, I wanted to find a new church for her. She was starting 6th grade, an age when many churches really stop having good youth programs, except Catholics. I found a great church near our home with amazing people. This was our home for many years. Tiff even had a year of Catholic school. I went through the RCIA program, was confirmed and we made it to church most Sundays (course it helped that Church was a half block away.)
Then Tiff got older, I loved sleeping in, church became not so important.
I believe in God, I just don't know that I believe in religion. That said, I love the traditions and the rituals of Catholicism, they give me peace and structure far more than the chaos of other churches.
I did have Z baptized after he was born. But he's only been in church a few times other than that.
He's two now.
I want him raised in Church, I just haven't made it a priority. Yet. We've also moved, I need
to find a new church. The parish we are in is a very very Asian area and the Church has over half their services in Vietnamese or Spanish. I don't know why that worries me, except there are not as many services. I worry the best family service will be not in English. There are other chuches sorta nearby too. I need to start going each week and trying a service. Maybe we will be lucky and find a new home.
Charley thinks it too early. Z is not anywhere close to sitting quietly an hour. But if we don't start now, when will he learn?
But why do I feel the strong need for Z to be raised in Church when I don't feel the strong need to go if it's just me.
Maybe I just want to give him something that I was not given? Maybe I want him to have faith.
No blog, no brilliance for the moment, just a whine.
As a lawyer, you survive on billable hours. Its how we calculate our "worth"...and how our boss calculates it. For some cases, its how the firm generates income. And its one of the WORST parts of my job.
Every month, at the first, we have to get all our time in for the last month, account for every minute of every day. Some months recently, I would be pretty good at inputting my time daily...(it has to go into a specific billing computer program) this month, no so much.
We got a reprieve as our office manager is on vacation this week....but GRRRR, I have to have it in today. SO, of course, doing the reasonable thing... lurking around on the Internet and doing everything BUT what I have to do.
Okay, enough wasting time, back to work (SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME!!!!)
DONE! Thank God. Now I gotta actually do some work!
December 13, 2010
No words of wisdom, no thoughtful evaluation of changes to make --and no happiness to be found. This week (and yes its only Tuesday) is the epidemy of everything wrong with my life. Each issue --in and of itself --not so bad but collectively I feel like I am floundering. My life revolves around making everyone else happy but you know what, no one cares about who is making me happy. Oh but who cares, I'm just mom/daughter/wife/employee.
And since no one wants to hear me whine, I'm here....perhaps the only place I can be honest about how I feel -- least until someone tells me to shut up!
I don't have the time -- or the energy -- to explain all these issues that feel like they are crashing down on me but I do think it would be cathartic to list them. Its not like anyone is listening or even cares....
My dream Christmas isn't going to happen. . .
DH can't manage to reserve a place
DSD1 wants to bring BF which while itself isn't an issue is a guarantee for later arguments with DD T to bring her loser of the day to any and all family events.
DH's ex has to come
DH's ex's dog has to come
My dad (who is paying for this cabin we don't have yet hates dogs so hes whining to me but wont tell the girls because if no dog-no ex, no ex- no girls
DSD 2 is mad cause her work means she won't get there (assuming we even go) until xmas eve and is mad cause she needs to drive mom and she has a small car and god forbid it snows.
DD doesn't even know we are going I don't think meaning she will be mad cause she will want to see her DD if the adoptive parents allow it and will want to hang with her friends.
Its not even guaranteed to snow
DH wants to take our two year old sledding which sounds dangerous to me
I want to say screw it, lets just stay home which means everyone will get mad at me even though no one will get off their butts to get anything done.
the only thing DSD1 wants for Xmas is a $650 blender
DSD2 wont even give me an idea and I have none
DD just sent me a list of junk which would total over 1,000 --including a new camera costing 200 which is BS cause we (collectively) have bought her I think 3 or 4 cameras in the last few years and she keeps breaking them or losing them.
I've done no xmas shopping and have no ideas of what to get, and honestly don't care right now.
We don't have any money for Christmas shopping.
(here's a big one)
Speaking of money -- yesterday we got in the first part of the inheritance from Charley's dad. Its enough to pay off all our bills (except my student loans) and still have soooo much left over. DH won't use ti to pay off our bills because he wants to invest it in some IPO stocks hes been reading about on the Internet to "guarantee" that he will earn enough to pay off the debt without having to use principle (which will all be lost since he is gambling on some random stocks)
I can't afford to make the payments on our debts this month, and buy x-mas and pay off medical bills that have to be paid by the end of the month and am mad cause DH doesn't get it and has no idea where we are financially adn doesnt really care since for some stupid reason thats all my job.
He wants to take the money Z got to invest in some scheme too which is NOT going to happen because thats going into a college savings account.
He gets mad a me for wanting to put it in a college savings account becaseu then Z won't be eligble for financial aid --really? maybe you haven't noticed that DD is not eliglbe for financial aid because our income is too high...do you think thats going to be different in 18 years?
DH decided to deposit the check in his account (we have a joint which is mostly mine, and each have a checking account) which I told him was a problem cause I don't have his account set up to pay bills (which was where we started with the comments that we aren't apparently paying our bills)
That account still has his ex wifes name on it (after being divorced almsot 20 years) cause DH has been too freaking lazy to change it.
That account also doesn't ahve a savings account so if he just puts it in checking there wont be any interest.
DH is an idiot.
I didn't sleep last night because I was ticked off and annoyed so too much on my mind.
Oh and btw, he forgot to take the check anyway today so it didn't get deposited and guaranteed will have a ten day hold on it.
We still have to figure out how to get DD home from school --dad was supposed to go get her but she kept stalling to get us dates then came up wtih this bs that she wanted to leave Sunday -- Z has no school next week so gramps needs to be here to watch him.
DD finally cops to the fact that she wants to stay for parties and I am a horrible mom for not accomodating her (oh yeah and her grades are going to suck this term because of too many parties already)
Z has a performance Friday and the class is to dress like teddy bears --a friend actually had a teddy bear costume instead of us going to buy pants and a shirt and DH is now not happy cause he will be the only one in a bear costume so maybe we should go buy the sweats (with teh money we don't have)
The car seat from my car is in grandpa's car since he picked z up yesturday -- I asked DH four times last night to put in back in my car, he didn't. this mornign he said shoot but dad hadn't woken up yet to get the keys so Im driving DH's truck and now have to use my lunch hour going down to his work to trade cars so he can pick up Z
The girls talked their dad into family sushi night --tonight --but Im not in the mood, I don't like sushi --its expensive, DH will insist on paying instead of letting my dad pay but we don't have the money so he will put in on a credit card that I cannot afford to make the payment on that he won't let me pay off.
Just got a new case in at work where my boss said I have to burn the midnight oil to get up to speed on a case that has no upcoming dates and deadlines but I needed to count on working late the entire rest of the month --while he goes on vacation for three weeks --for the umptenth time this year, while I get two weeks vacation that I have to use for anything but a vacation.
So generally, I'm overwhelmed, frustrated, ticked off and really tired of feeling like I have to make everyone else happy because taht is my goal in life apparently.
Last edited by SoCaliLover; 01-10-2011 at 07:23 PM.
As the day goes on, I just feel grumpier and madder (are those words?) I love my kids, I love my family, I love my husband...but there is a time I just feel so taken advantage of. I know its not any one thing, its not this or that but its just frustration at all this hitting me like a ton of bricks.
Everyone means well but seriously? Each person is thinking of themselves, not the family as a whole. Even DH will always look out for his kids before he will consider the whole --or even consider me.
So yeah, not happy.
So my office is on this weird road where, to get into my driveway, you have to go down and make a U turn at the dead end at the bottom . . . .which floods....badly... in rain. Now, technically, you can drive down the wrong way of our road and get into our driveway without getting near the flooded areas. Sadly, some very silly members of the police department have no clue. Flood at end of road? Hey lets block it off and block access to four large office buildings with nearly a thousand different employees. Yeah good idea!!
So last night, I layed awake the night listening to the pouring rain, knowing I was going to have trouble getting to work. Left early hoping to beat that really nice officer (the one that sits in his car and yells at your through his bullhorn like a moron) but no...he was out there apparently at 6:15. So, instead of letting all the normal people through, he decided to tell everyone to GO HOME cause that's what they were saying on the news (side note, San Diego has NO idea what to do in rain!)
Since my boss was not nice enough to let us all stay home, I had to drive to the next closest parking lot (almost a mile up the road) and walk through a very heavy rain --including having to walk through several small rivers of flood waters --to get to my office SOAKED from head to toe.
Been awhile since I’ve posted here. I have made some positive steps though on moving toward happiness.
I have worked on the financial issues and this month (January and now February) I have been working on the physical issues I have.
I said before, Charley got some money in from his father’s estate, the first portion was $100k. Wow. I was FURIOUS with him because he did some research on the internet and decided he wanted to invest it in some IPOs and make a million out of the 100k. If it was that easy, why would anyone work? Gesh. Then he deposited the money in his own checking account and didn’t want to let me pay off our 30k+ in credit cards. The ones that I pay out of my salary – the ones we both have.
Anyway, after about a week of that, Charley said there were no new IPOs that he was interested in and I could pay off bills – HURRAY!! I can finally say that with a few exceptions, we are out of debt. Well Credit card debt –lets not talk about the 150k in student loans that I will never make a dent in. Sigh.
He took 50k of the money and opened a stock account which he engages in random day trading. So far I think he is only down by 2k so I guess thats not too bad?
Then today I took care of one thing on my financial list. I got a life insurance policy for 500k. That is something that has been bugging me a lot, if something happened to me, Charley would be lost. He simply doesn’t earn enough money for Zayden to be anywhere close to the level I want. He wouldn’t be able to pay the private school tuition, or have a house, or anything. I am not saying all that is required to be happy but....I just worry a lot about that. I know my dad would help, but I also know Charley wouldn’t ask my dad for help. I would like to get a policy for around 1 million, which if invested right, could replace a lot of my salary for Zayden’s childhood. But all that requires health checks. I am pretty healthy but have a few things to work on before I do that. So I might get one more policy for 1m before I turn 40 in June but for now, I feel a lot better with some protection.
Oh and then randomly, Charley finally decided he wanted to get a joint account? So once he has his direct deposit set up, he is going to finally close the account he has that has ex’s name on it!
This last month I have been working a lot on physical things. I am watching what I eat so I can drop about 15 lbs to get back to a weight I feel more comfortable at. I joined a dance class (kinda a mix of ballet, pilates, and yoga) Wow, I didn’t realize that I was so outta shape. I went Saturday but haven’t gone back (and its Thursday) because I got sick
I am going to make an appointment in a week to get my hair done and highlights fixed. I have been more diligent on self-care – putting lotion on my face and eye cream – I was all sad when I looked in the mirror a few days ago and saw the beginnings of wrinkles.
The coolest news is my teeth – I knocked out all my front teeth when I was a kid, had a false tooth for years, then braces. I got a crown on my front tooth back in college but it wasn’t put on right so there is a big black line. The dentist has been after me to put crowns on four front teeth to make it better but I wanted to first get my teeth whitened so it looks better. I got a Groupon for a teeth whitening and so went in to get my teeth cleaned and check for cavities first. My dentist said he wanted to work with me with the whitening to coordinate it with the crowns – and gave me the dentist whitening for FREE!! So I got trays made –since I have been sick I haven’t started it. I am going to see if these work (my groupon is for the in dentist office whitening with a light) if the trays do work, I’ll give my groupon to ashley, otherwise I go do them. With my new insurance, my crowns are free so hopefully within the next month or so I will have that fixed!
So I have been working down my list of things I want to change. Not there yet but at least I am working toward my goals and that makes things happier.