I'm still here, and Im still thinking about what changes I need to make to be happy. I am still trying to analyze why I'm not happy. Haven't been posting much but these thoughts are still on my mind.
I have made some changes, some positive. I need to make others.
More later though, don't mean to post and run but need to work on this deadline.
Just popping in to say HI
It is time to make some changes.
I come back here from time to time and review my list of things I want to change. I have tackled some of the “easier” things to change. Recently I have worked more on my own image and physical things to change. Thanks to DH, I did Lasik two weeks ago and while I am not thrilled with the results (having some issues with side effects, etc) I am glad I did. Next week I have an appointment for teeth whitening and, as soon as that is done, I am going to the dentist. I need my four front teeth crowned (after effect of an accident when I was eight) When they told me the crowns needed to be replaced, I didn’t want to do that until I had whitened my very yellow teeth (after effect of smoking, red wine, and coffee) I joined a gym I really like (which of course, the next day blew out my shoulder and haven’t been able to go GRRRR) am watching what I eat, and have worked hard on limiting wine to one glass a day (which went great until last night when I got so frustrated I wound up downing over half a bottle – but I will get to the reasons for that soon) I have finally gotten good at regular hair appointments with a stylist instead of running to supercuts once a year. One of the things I wasn’t happy with was the person looking back at me in the mirror. I have worked on the surface things; I guess they are the easiest!
Events have happened this last week that is forcing me to look at one of the harder things for me to work on – my career. I have a job I pretty much hate. I have a boss I have grown to resent and cannot stand –which is sad because he used to be great and I really cared about him. I have a dead end job, which will never go anywhere (umm Amy, that’s the definition of a dead end job?) The list of things I cannot stand grows almost daily.
· We have to dress up, not suits but business dressy (slacks, skirts, etc) while my boss comes in daily in shorts and a t-shirt. He started that a few years back, hey he’s the boss and pays our salary so he can dress however he wants. I got a review once (that he didn’t do but pretended he did) that marked me down for not dressing “professionally” I looked at this guy dressed for the beach and was like WTF? I get really annoyed when he calls me late at night to tell me a client’s coming in so I need to dress appropriately, and he shows up in jeans. I really hate double standards, even if it is the boss.
· He made all these promises when we started this firm, to be fair, to take care of us…now everything is about what is best for HIM and he doesn’t care about the employees.
· No raise for five years…he told us that he didn’t want to do raises to keep his cash flow steady but instead would give bonuses based on payment in cases. I have gotten three (small) bonuses in eight years.
· No additional vacation time. Two weeks, still. Most jobs by now I would have three or more. We were talking about going to three at year five (many years ago) then the economy tanked. I asked the office manager what gives and she said bosses theory is we are dang lucky to have jobs so we should be thankful for that. So no more benefits cause having a job we should be thanking boss every day for. Umm, maybe but the problem with treating your employees like they have no options, is when they do finally have options, see ya!
· His manner has just gotten too much. He will come in and yell and act like a real jerk. He never asks have we done, what do you think about…..he will say why haven’t we done x. Cause it makes no sense? Too expensive? If I did that you would have said why do that? He claims to hate micro managing but that’s all he does!!!!
I could go on but why bother. Why am I still here? Cause I can be lazy. Sorry L But I can. I can come in at 8, get my work done, spend time on here, communicate with friends, and 80% of the time, leave at 5. I don’t have to wear a suit, I don’t have to work 15 hour days, I get to go home at the end of the day and see my son. I rarely take work home. While I am not getting raises, I am paid okay—enough to mostly meet our bills. So yeah, I’m lazy and settling.
But this is not what I busted my butt for through law school. And it sucks cause when I do get home at five, I am not happy. When I get up, I hate the idea of going to work. I look forward to lunch just to get the he!! out of here. I guess that stinks.
What has changed in the last week? A lot. We have two paralegals and three associate attorneys. Last week, our lead paralegal (who also has been here since day one) gave notice. She is leaving for another job (I don’t blame her, she just finished up working on a case in trial and worked 16 + hour days including being here till midnight one night –just cause that is the way the boss is) I don’t think they are planning on replacing her. We have all been working on learning the trial programs she uses, I am the next best person who knows tech, the only other person who knows power point and excel and see the writing on the wall that all this crap is going to be stuck on me. Plus, without a second paralegal, we won’t have as much support staff….so the attorneys have to take on more.
I was talking to DH about moving on after that, maybe it’s time to think about it. He supported the idea, after all its probably a matter of time until one of the other two attorneys might think about it too.
Then last night, one of the other attorneys gave two weeks notice.
Even if we did hire a new attorney, which I doubt, his case load will have to be moved to the remaining two. My case load will double, in addition to paralegal duties, in addition to secretarial duties, with no increase in pay and still being treated like crap.
But then I told DH that I didn’t feel right about it since if I left too, it could tear apart the firm (we are a really small firm and two attorneys leaving would cause major issues) His comment? Its bosses own fault and not my concern. Sounds cold, but true?
DH has wanted me to look for another job for some time.
So I have emailed out a few resumes, I need to spend some time updating and working on mine. I need to work on cover letters etc. I need to dry clean my suits, and maybe buy a new one or two.
I hate change though. And a new job will dictate a lot of change, not just work but also personal. A new firm will be many hours work, less time at home, more stress. But maybe more enjoyment too?
More later, I guess I should work now because I have a few things to review.
Two weeks from today I turn 40. I know, not a big deal. Forty isn’t that old. But a new decade in life seems to be a time to reevaluate where you are, where you have been, and where you are going.
On the bright side, I have a husband I love, a child I adore. I have three adult children who are slowly making their way into adulthood. I am proud of what I did and the contributions I made to their lives, I am proud of where my son’s life is going. But it wasn’t without sacrifice and its not without regrets.
I know everything I did to help DD was worth it. I know that every time I hear tales of her bio sis – dropped out of Jr. High, whoring herself for drugs, no future, no life. That would have been Tiff. I know it was so worth it for DSD. But for me, DH would never have stood up and taken custody. They would have stayed in a drug infested trailer park in Washington, Ash would have failed 8th grade, probably gotten in major trouble, who knows. Instead, I got Age into one of the top public hs in the US, Ash graduated salutatorian from her private hs.
The sacrifice? My first year law school I was in the top 10%. That means guaranteed admission to any law school in the country. Harvard, Yale....the schools that you graduate from with a salary as a first year in excess of 150k. I will probably never earn that in my life. Transferring schools meant uprooting a family, or more likely leaving one behind. I don’t regret that. Much. I don’t regret those choices, I don’t regret staying with DH (then bf) and every time I look at my dear sweet boy, I know the sacrifice was worth it.
I guess what makes me sad is I am the only person who sees the sacrifices. No one says thank you. As much as I love him, not once in our relationship has DH said thank you for everything you did for my girls. Not once has DSDs acknowledged that I did anything for them. No thank yous. No I know you gave up something for me and thank you for it. Tiff does sometimes, but then that is usually followed by mom I need money. I know parenting is a thankless job but really?
Instead of partner in some exclusive law firm earning over 500k, I am stuck in a dead end job that often I wake up dreading to go to. I am unappreciated, micro managed, and have no change of ever meeting my potential. A peer is off this week to better adventures and a better life, I am afraid to make a jump because I have a family to support. I come to work and watch the clock to noon so I can leave, come back at one, wait desperately to five. My cousin, who is one year older, is a federal judge. Another cousin, who is younger, is a partner in a swanky Kansas law firm. Do I want those jobs? Would I have liked the cat eat dog world of a big firm with their 80 hour weeks? I don’t know? Probably not. But maybe, or at least maybe then it would have been my choice. I didn’t get that choice, instead of clerking between my first and second year of law school, I was spreading out my first year into three trimesters, so I could be there to pick Tiff up from school. Instead of clerking for a law firm between 2L and 3L –when my peers were getting those cushy job offers after grad, I was home schooling a defiant and thankless teenager who resented my relationship with her dad and hated that I was doing my best to help her pass 8th grade.
Twenty years ago, I was told over and over I would not live to be twenty one. I was a street kid trying to survive. I wanted a future but living through the day was often too much. I had dreams and visions but when tragedy struck, those dreams disappeared. It was raw strength and support of a few that are gone, and the love of a few that gave their own lives for me, that I stand here today. For that I thank God every day. And for that I curse myself. For a friend gave his life for me because he felt I could make something of myself. I feel like I let him down. The pain and heartache of twenty years ago still haunts me to this day. I survived; is that enough?
But I am turning forty. My daughter is not out *****ing on the streets, Ash did not drop out of hs, Age did not run away to a commune. They have (or are working on) become beautiful, caring adults. Perhaps their lives will touch others, perhaps they will be the ones to make a difference. They may never say thank you, or even understand the sacrifices I made or the difference I was in their lives, but at least I know.
You know what’s making me the saddest? My birthday. My actual birthday. I wanted a party. I rarely have a party; I wanted one. Yet no one in my family would even think to have one. I will never in my life have that great surprise party with friends and family. I just wont. So I am hosting my own. I guess that is a disappointment to me. No one in my family had a baby shower for me. We had one at work, and my office manager told me she was sad because she hadn’t got an invite to the one my girls were throwing. She was shocked when I told them I didn’t have one. They just wouldn’t think about it.
So I am throwing my own party dam* it. For me. I will buy my own favorite food and make my own cake and make sure my house is clean. But then who to invite. Oh yeah, I have few friends. Least IRL. So I invite my workmates, a few other people (few of whom can actually come), Age’s in-laws, DH’s ex. How completely sad is that. And how sad is it that I feel so rejected when someone RSPV’s no, even when I know they can’t come.
My actual friends, both IRL and online are too far away to come.
Despite all the people in my life, despite all I have done, how come I still feel unloved, unworthy and unappreciated.
My actual birthday I am going away. I am going on vacation for a four day weekend to treat ME. Just DH and Z and me. DH said well if we go away on a Thursday, how will the girls come? They can’t, cause on my birthday I am not paying everyone elses way. Just mine. For once.
How come I am so sad?
I hope you don't mind me posting here, but I have to ask you one question. What's stopping you from pursuing your dream of being a lawyer? Were it not for the need to support your family, what is stopping you? I see a beautiful, amazing woman here. No one but a mom can understand the sacrifices that we make for our kids... until our kids become parents. Then they get it. A dead-end job isn't for you. And 40 is a HUGE DEAL!! You go and have a getaway and celebrate that you're wiser an even more beautiful!
I don't mind at all! Questions sometimes focus my mind and make me think (or rethink) things so they are great.
I am an attorney. I did get my license. I guess what makes me sad is I wanted to go to law school to make a difference. My secondary goal was to be the best I could be, make money, have security, enough to buy a house, provide for my kids etc.
I have done neither. I'm still paycheck to paycheck, haven't touched my student loans (after 10 years) and just exist. The only difference my practice of law makes is in my boss' bank account.
Thank you for the kind words. I don't mind the sacrifices, you're right, they are what a mother does. I just get sad that I am the only person who sees the sacrifices
Either that or Im just feeling sorry for myself which is a very likely possibility!
Okay. So you're working in a law firm that you hate?
I have several things floating through my head -- stresses, ideas, worries. But I have something I have been meaning to post.
I ask myself a lot, why am I not happy. I am luckier than most. We are not homeless, I have a nice home to live in. I have a healthy and beautiful little boy, three daughters I love. I married the best person I have ever met and adore him.
I have friends, both here and IRL, who have none of that. I see people struggle daily and yet they find comfort in God, in themselves, in life and they are happy. I know others who are not happy but they have ever reason to be. They struggle daily against all kinds of obstacles.
I am not miserable, I am not depressed. I just look in the mirror and wonder if this is it? My life is not what I planned and it is not everything it could be. I have demons from the past that will follow me to my grave. There is a sadness that will always be there. Even that knowledge makes me sad.
I know I need to make changes in my life but I have become complacent. And, as I will write about in a bit, other people want to make changes which means I may not be able to make my changes.
I really am grateful for what I have. It should be enough. I just am not sure why it isn't?
Haven’t slept for two days. First night (Monday) was DH’s fault. He is on call and got a call at midnight and had to go to work until 3 a.m. I never sleep well when he is gone. Last night – well its his fault too but for different reasons.
Last night I lay awake tossing and turning, thinking and stressing.
Charley wants to quit his job. He wants to become a day trader. He spends his down time researching stocks, IPOs – things I consider "get rich quick" schemes. He considers them valid and great ways to earn money. He could be right, he could be wrong.
Little back story– DH’s dad died last March and left DH, the girls and Z some money. Estate got split in 3rds – 1/3 for DH, 1/3 for his sister and the remaining 1/3 in trust for the four grand kids (DH’s nephew, DSDs and Z) We still haven’t seen all the money but in December DH got a check for 100k. Nice. We went back and forth on it but eventually he let me pay off all our credit cards (over 30k worth) we gave Age 10k for her wedding and paid off some bills etc. DH took 50k and put it in a stock account and started "playing". We should get the rest in a few months, probably a little over 150 k. That is a lot of money! He wants to put it in his stock account to again have capital to play with. And he wants to quit his job to manage this money all day because he is limited with the day trading he can do on his phone.
We have run our credit cards up to about another 13k now (much of it from Age’s wedding and related travel expenses as well some vet bills etc.) I want to take 100k of what he gets as a down payment on a house –my dad previously offered to help us with that too.
DH has always wanted to be a SAHD, and I don’t blame him. But I am stressing over all this.
DH also has pretty bad tendinitis in his arm and I know it hurts him a lot. He has a very physical job and its not fair he is in pain. He has gone to the workers comp doctors but they can’t really help him cause he doesn’t want to keep doing Physical therapy (didn’t help) or the cortisone shots (also no help)
He has ever increasingly talked about his two-week notice. A few weeks ago told me he was definitely quitting by September. He has all this planned on how much he needs to make to make up for his salary and how easy it will be for him. He is almost offended when I cast doubt on that and talk about not being able to make it on my salary.
Course I checked his (our) trading account today. His 50k is now a little over 20.
But Im not going to be able to talk him out of this. He really has his mind set on it. Even last night he told me that his boss was going out for surgery but he (maybe jokingly) told him to wait until he put in his two weeks notice.
If I mention that I don’t think this is a great job cause he has lost money he says quiet strongly he has lost money because he isn’t home working on this but has to work so doesn’t get to stay on the computer. He hears about these IPOs and wants to sink money into them and then sell immediately. He told me thats how he was going to get money to help buy me a new car.
So I think I’ll be driving my old car for awhile.
I did tell him I wanted him to pay Zayden’s tuition up front as soon as we had the money so I didn’t have to worry about that . . .I could not pay our rent and the tuition on my paycheck. I would like to buy a cheep house so at least we have some asset if it all goes to hell in a hat basket.
This is his money so its hard for me to say no. He helped support me and Tiff when I was in law school. I just need to start watching money carefully and budget as if it were all on me. I foresee many many more sleepless nights.
Oh, and if he is really considering quitting --which I know he is -- any hopes of me finding a new job are gone. I need the stability of this job more than the happiness of a new one.
He did at least send me a text to tell me he lost 8k today alone. I am sure he will tell me later that if he had been home, he could have made 8k instead of losing it.
Ever heard of a spoiler alert? Here is a major selfish whine alert. I am busy feeling sorry for myself, sorry about that.
I hate my birthday. Not because of getting older or milestones past. I just hate when it is -June 23.
I have been planning for four months now my birthday. I wanted a party but then on my actual birthday, next Thursday, wanted to go away for the weekend, to Catalina Island, soak up some sun, have some downtime.
Mothers Day kicks off a busy time for us. Its always the first of many celebrations. I like Mother’s Day but (selfishly) its not about me. I share it with DH’s ex and now DSD, in-laws. Thats okay. Take this Mother’s Day, instead of a me day, I was shamed into going to a bbq with SILs family and DH’s ex. Thats okay. The girls lavished their mom with gifts, I wasn’t forgotten, I got a Visa gift card and flowers and this nice frame of me and Age at her wedding. My own daughter didn’t even send a card cause she claims to not know how to use a stamp. DH (as an after thought) got a groupon for a card for 50% off services at a spa I could not afford even if 50% off.
Then on May 12 its Age’s b-day. We got her $150 in gift cards and paid for everyone (our family, DH’s ex, SIL and his family) to eat out for dinner. $300.
May 23rd its Tiff’s birthday. She didn’t come home so I sent her gifts plus money for a bbq for her.
June 19 is Ash’s b-day. Again, gifts plus eating out. Plus Father’s Day (which this time is same day so at least I only pay for one dinner out but still lots of money)
My birthday is the left over. Everyone is always broke, celebrated out. Don’t get me wrong, they try sometimes. One year I had a really nice bbq at home – cause we couldn’t afford to eat out. They tried and it was nice.
I am throwing myself a party this year because no one else would. I still want to go so bad to Catalina, but DH never made reservations. He looked, he said he wanted to get me a suite. But it would have to go on a credit card I know and I am not even sure we have one that would work. Besides, if he really is going to quit, I need to save every dime.
What irritates me is that it will be seen that even if I don’t get to go to Catalina, at least I got a nice party. Cause I am throwing my on Freaking party. Cause it wouldn’t happen otherwise. I am planning it, cleaning for it, buying food, cooking for my own party. And yet I know if I get sad later cause I didn’t get to do other stuff, I will be told but you had a great 40th cause of this party.
My birthday is the only day that is my day . . I don’t have to share it. But it will never really be that. Motherhood is about sacrifices. Just sometimes I get tired of being the only one who seems to makes all the sacrifices for the family. I guess I feel like I am sacrificing my own happiness sometimes.