Shattered Life on the road to recovery
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Thread: Shattered Life on the road to recovery

  1. #1
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    Default Shattered Life on the road to recovery

    My husband is an alcoholic. I unaware of when it became that bad. He had his first drink at 6 years old. My husband is in rehab and doing well.

    This is the letter that I have to read at therapy, it's to tell DH how bad he has hurt me. I decided to share with you all, in hopes it'll be easier to read out loud when the day comes. I feel if I share it with others now it might be easier to read later. There was so much I wanted to say about how his treatment is helping us and what I choose to do after this, but thats another day. One step at a time. I've been handling him like glass since he went in, worry about breaking him into giving up. It's so hard to say this very hard emotional stuff.
    How you hurt me.

    I’m putting these all in general groups on how you hurt me, I could go on for days if I were to mention all the things individually.

    You would put me down, you have called me a lot of nasty things. I heard those things so often they started to become a part of me. I felt like a worthless, stupid, lazy *****. When something would go wrong you blamed it on me and said it was my fault you did what you did and became an alcohol and drug user. You said you needed it to deal with how dumb I was. Still I loved you so much, so I would to make it better, help you out, or do it your way. But it always ended up never good enough for you, or you’d find more things to add to your list to harass me about. I would feel like a failure for not making you happy or keeping the peace. I tried so hard to help you, but I never realized that I in turn was enabling it and that you had to want to help yourself. Many nights I cried myself to sleep, as things got worse, I was losing my self respect and self esteem. I would fall into a deep depression, feeling that death might be my only way out.

    You made me feel used and sometimes dirty. You made me do many things I didn’t want to do, or things I was uncomfortable with. After awhile you became controlling, I got scared to live my life the way I felt was necessary. I was not allowed to have fun. You made me quit the things I liked. I even lost some good friendships because of you. The few thing I did fight for, you used against me, just to hurt me and to make you look like the good guy. You stole from me, our children, and our home. You took away my career, my pride, my hopes, my dreams, my self-worth, and my happiness in life. We lost so much because of the drinking, drugs, and gambling. I’m not proud of the things I had to do to friends and family to defend you. I had to lie for you, and sometimes I even took the blame for what you had done. You turned me into someone I never wanted to become. You hurt me in ways unimaginable to most.

    I felt like you used me for sex, support and money. You always said you loved me and things would change, but they never did. Sometimes I wonder if you actually loved the idea of us and a relationship but not actually loved me. Somehow you lured me into taking you back each time you messed up. You had a deceiving manipulative way around things.

    It came to the point where you were lying to me, even about stupid little stuff that wouldn‘t have mattered much. Many times I caught you in that lie and you’d get angry. If you knew I was right, you’d blow because you always had to be the one who was right no matter what the cost. You would throw things, break things, verbally, mentally, emotionally, and a few times physically abuse me. So many times I would let the lies and behavior slide as not to cause a fight with you.

    It would hurt me when you’d go out with others, spend more time with your friends than with your family. You developed close emotional relationships with others, and let our relationship suffer. You would brag about the good looking people and threaten that they were better than me, and you could have them anytime you wanted. Sometimes you would tell me about some of the things you would do but expect that I would never take offence or get upset about it. I never knew how to react with you around, in fears you would freak out. You accused me of doing things I did not do, turning it into something nasty. Many times I could not distinguish if you were joking or serious. I sometimes worry that you did the things you wrongly accused me of.

    So many nights I would worry myself physically ill on what you were doing and if you were OK or not. I worried about innocent families you could have hurt or killed when you drove drunk. I worried that the cops would come and take you away. With every ambulance that drove by I would wonder if you were in it. I waited by the phone for a call from you that I never got. I wondered when the day would come that I would have to identify you body at the morgue.

  2. #2
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    Well family week has came and gone, it was very hard but we made alot of progress.

    I have alot of emotional issues regarding what I've dealt with growing up in an alcoholic home and then marring an alcoholic. Plus I've had alot of other huge things go wrong in my life. Tomorrow I'm going to see a counselor to deal with my problems. I feel this will be good for me. After I work more on me, and DH continues with his treatment (he has his own counselors) We'll be doing family counseling. Although the alcohol issues will subside with our sobriety, I feel we still have communication issues to deal with. Alot of those are becasue for so long we passed them off as an alcoholic problem. Also since I've had alcoholics in my life for 20+ years I have a hard time with my own issues. I cannot voice my own opinion, I have a hard time making decisions, and I usually go along with whatever others in my life say, feel or want to do. When DH asks how I feel about something I tend to say what I think he wants to hear.

    After my DH was gone for 2 weeks, we talked about him comming home again. I was scared to death about this. As much as I loved him and knew he was sober I still worried. I worried about saying or doing something wrong forcing him back into drinking. He's made great progress and I'd hate to do that to him. Now a week later I realize that if a relapse happens it wont be becasue of me, it's something only he can control and we'll have to deal with that if or when it happens. He's gets out in 6 days now, I'm starting to look forward to it. I'm finally going to get the chance at a real family that I've always wanted. I pray it all works out. Life has thrown us many curve balls and we've hit brick walls more than once, I hope we can pull through this as well.

    Family week was the best thing that could have happend to us, it really helped me understand that alcoholism is a disease. It showed me how really sick my husband and many others in my family are. It also taught me that I have NO control of the alcoholic. I could not force them into getting better, seek treatment, or recover from the diseases. I cannot change who they are. It also helped us reopen our communication doors, we had to start our regrets and resentments. We also worked on positives. For me to hear the positives that my DH told me, made me feel great about myself. It had been so long since he said these in an honest manor. Al Anon is teaching me how to deal with myself and my feelings, it shows me that I'm not alone. I've been attending AA and Al Anon meeting for the past few weeks.

  3. #3
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    My DH has really came a long ways since he's been in treatment. He's has been showing me the type of man he really is. Yes he has ups and downs but don't we all? He is fighting really hard to beat this thing, I'm really proud of him. It took alot but I have forgiven him for the past and we are working on a brighter future together. Sometimes it's really hard not to look back and be angry but I'm letting God take all that pain away.

    During family week they wanted me to change my letter to him to fit thier format. For the most part it's all there, I know I did do some last minute edits and didn't put hose down since it was on the printed version which my DH carries with him always. Also on this version I Edited out 2 paragraphs about each of our children, I did this for privacy reasons. DH and I hard to sit face to face and read our letters to each other, believe me the tears were just rolling!

    So here it is.
    How you hurt me

    The alcoholic disease has hurt me in many ways, you being an alcoholic has hurt me deeply. I’m writing this to let you know how I and our family has been affected. I’m putting these mainly in general groups on how you hurt me, I could go on for days if I were to mention all the things individually. I’ll share with you a few situations so that you really understand the pain I went through and the things you missed.

    During your struggle with alcoholism, you would put me down, you have called me a lot of nasty things. I heard those things so often they started to become a part of me. I felt like you said, a worthless, stupid, lazy b***h. When something would go wrong you blamed it on me and said it was my fault you used so much and often. You said you needed it to deal with how dumb I was. Still I loved you so much, so I would try to make it better, help you out, or do it your way. But it always ended up never good enough for you, or you’d find more things to add to your list to harass me about. I would feel like a failure for not making you happy or keeping the peace. I tried so hard to help you, but I never realized that in turn I was enabling it and that you had to want to help yourself. Many nights I cried myself to sleep, as things got worse, I was losing my self respect and self esteem. I would fall into a deep depression, feeling that death might be my only way out.

    You made me feel used and sometimes dirty. You made me do many things I didn’t want to do, or things I was uncomfortable with. After awhile you became controlling, I got scared to live my life the way I felt was fit. I was not allowed to have fun. You made me quit the things I liked. I even lost some good friendships because of you. The few things I did fight for, you used against me, just to hurt me and to make you look like the good guy. You stole from me, our children, and our home. You took away my career, my pride, my hopes, my dreams, my self-worth, and my happiness in life. We lost so much because of the drinking, drugs, and gambling. I’m not proud of the things I had to do to friends and family to defend you. I had to lie for you, and sometimes I even took the blame for what you had done. You turned me into someone I never wanted to become. You hurt me in ways unimaginable to most.

    I felt like you used me for sex, support and money. You always said you loved me and things would change, but they never did. Sometimes I wonder if you actually loved the idea of us and a relationship but not actually loved me. Somehow you lured me into taking you back each time you messed up. You had a deceiving manipulative way around things.

    It came to the point where you were lying to me, even about stupid little stuff that wouldn‘t have mattered much. Many times I caught you in that lie and you’d get angry. If you knew I was right, you’d blow because you always had to be the one who was right no matter what the cost. You would throw things, break things, verbally, mentally, emotionally, and a few times physically abuse me. So many times I would let the lies and behavior slide as not to cause a fight with you.

    It would hurt me when you’d go out with others, spend more time with your friends than with your family. You developed close emotional relationships with others, and let our relationship suffer. You would brag about the good looking people and threaten that they were better than me, and you could have them anytime you wanted. Sometimes you would tell me about some of the things you would do but expect that I would never take offence or get upset about it. I never knew how to react with you around, in fears you would freak out. You accused me of doing things I did not do, turning it into something nasty. Many times I could not distinguish if you were joking or serious. I sometimes worry that you did some of the things you wrongly accused me of.

    So many nights I would worry myself physically ill on what you were doing and if you were OK or not. I worried about innocent families you could have hurt or killed when you drove drunk. I worried that the cops would come and take you away. With every ambulance that drove by I would wonder if you were in it. I waited by the phone for a call from you that I never got. I wondered when the day would come that I would have to identify you body at the morgue.

    You hurt your family as well. All the birthday parties and holidays the kid’s really missed you. They always asked where you were and why you didn’t come. Many times I would lie and say you were working or had the flu. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that you seemed not to care or was to hung-over to get out of bed. You really missed out on a lot, seeing the kids grow up, it seems like I always had to inform you on what was going on with your own family members.

    (EDITED FOR PRIVACY)

    I regret so many things. Mostly allowing and enabling it all to continue. I regret giving in to you even when a few days prior you begged me not to. I felt I couldn’t handle the stress and enabled you to do it so I could be left in peace for awhile. I regret those days when I did fuel the fire, and make you even more angry when we butted heads. I regret telling you to leave, go to the bar get drunk so maybe you would come home in a different mood. I regret not having the strength to leave sooner. I regret not seeing alcoholism as a disease and blaming you for everything. I wish I had tried to push more for a compromise. One thing that we have argued about from day one is the dishes, I regret letting something so simple turn into a 7 yr fight. I would skip going to things important to me, so I could spend a few minutes when you actually were home and sober. But now I regret that because I ended up feeling resentful of you because I did not go.

    You have hurt me, yourself, our children and family extensively with your alcohol and drug use. With that all said I still love you and wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t. With your sobriety so far I’m falling into a much deeper kind of love that I never imagined before. I really respect all that you are doing, how hard you are fighting to beat this disease. The morals you have and your new found higher power which is enabling us to heal as a family.

    My most special memories with you was the first time we actually talked about life, how we hugged and held each other tight for most of the night, standing next to your GMC. Our wedding day is something I’ll never forget, how much loved I felt towards you. When our kid's was first born, how proud we were. I will always remember those very special times in our life, and now I have a new one, Feb 24th the day after you entered treatment, as your 1st day sober. I hope we can grow closer together and our positives will out weigh the resentments and regrets. I have always loved your smile and can’t wait to see it more often.

    If I were to explain you to someone else I would have to say you are special to me in many ways, you are always helping others when you can, you are a great mechanic, how you come up with really good ideas for things you do at work to make it easier and more cost efficient to others in your work field, you are a good dad, a caring son and brother, a very strong man and my soul mate.

    I love you, I know you can do this!!!

  4. #4
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    Mar 2007
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    Default Learning that I cannot control the Alcoholic Disease

    Sorry its been awhile since I updated, its been really busy around here. My DH has come home. Tomorrow will mark the 2w homecoming mark. He's been sober for 6 weeks. I was an emotional wreck the week he came home, I didn't know what to say or do. I was so worried I'd trigger something and he's relapse. Now I have learned in Al Anon that I cannot control him or his drinking.

    Last week I had a nervous breakdown I thought he was dead.

    He seemed really depressed that night. Somewhere around 9pm he said he was taking a drive. I didn't think much of it at the time, I figured he'd be back in about and hour and he was just clearing his head.

    I ended up talking to a friend on the phone, sometime after 1am our batteries on the phone were going dead so we hung up. I remember wondering where DH went and worrying about a relapse. I walked pasted the living room picture window and a car sped past REALLY REALLY FAST. I went outside for a smoke, and as I got out there I saw and heard something that totally freaked me out. Looking towards the lake (which is a block up from us) I saw the car speeding around the curve (It looked as if the car was driving on the highway not in town, really fast) I saw headlights going out of control, heard tires squealing, and then heard a big bang. I wasn't sure what was hit, could have been the brick church, a house, or someones car. At this point the car had made it 2 blocks down and I couldn't see anything becasue of the placement of the houses.

    Rewind to the night before, I stayed at my mom's becasue our son was sick, and the hosp was right there. DH called @ 11pm and had said he's been driving around wanting a drink, and out in the country roads driving to fast around curves. But he didn't, he did say he was feeling more suicidal now than he did when he was drinking before. We talked for a bit, and I almost went there but he decided he's got to bed.

    Fast back forward to that night. I remembered that and totally freaked out! I was thinking that it was DH, maybe he drank and was mad at himself and was really suicidal. I called 911 right away and then started running across the field to see if I could see anything. about 3/4block away I got ill and puked, then though "god DS in the house sleeping" So I turned around and went back to the house and continued to freak out.

    I called DH's old bar and asked if he was there, they said he was and left
    I asked to talk to his dad (since FIL is ALWAYS there) he was drunk but assured me DH was in a good mood and SOBER. But for all I knew his dad was drunk and trying to cover DH's drinking up. He said he left 10min ago. Which scared me becasue it only takes 10min to get here from there.

    THANK GOD 5min later DH arrived home safe! I was so shook up I couldn't even talk. DH barely was able to figure out why I was freaking out. He made a statement to the cops for me.

    That night I had nightmares about it, and was wonder what happened and if the people were OK or not. I remember thinking there is a house on the corner there and they have kids, wouldn't it be awful if the car smashed into thier bedroom. Later on we found out that it was a hit and run, there are huge marks on the road and they hit a parked pickup truck. The truck was moved 10 feet!

    ETA ~ DH said he went to the bar to see all the drunks look and say stupid things, he said it help him realize he didn't want to be that person again. He said he cravings went away. He felt better about himself as well.

    That worries me though, I thought bars could end up being a trigger for him, I just have to remind myself that HE need's to fight his own demons.

    I did however express my concern just asking for a phone call when he stayed out late. He is currently non compliant with that request. He's been out later than he expected quite a few times since then.

    Anyways thats the update for now, DH is currently in a 10w after care program and still going to AA meetings. I try to make it to open AA meetings and Al Anon meetings when I can.

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