I am not sure I can keep this up but it is worth a try. I feel like I need a place to vent my thoughts without burdening anyone who has already heard me. I am a single mama to a wonderful amazing 18M old daughter, Maya. I am also a sixth grade teacher. My daughter is biracial, her father is black and I am white. Her father has choosen to not be a part of her life. I HATE that. I have know him since May 01 and never ever thought he would be this person.
Our story is sounds so ghetto. We were on and off together through all that time and I thought always friends. I went through a bad breakup at the end of 05 and he started calling again New Years 06 after not speaking for 6 months or so. He kept up calling until I let him come over at the end of Jan. 2 weeks later I realize my period is late but think nothing of it. I am 28 and have never even had a pregnancy scare so finally at the beginning of March I take a test and obviously it's positive. I tell him, he suggest a variety of things I am not comfortable with, he disappears, I call at 20 weeks to tell him it's a boy (which was wrong by the way), he comes around agian through August, and then tells me he is moving to AR. I get a phone call in September from a close friend telling me he is married! WTF! It's been drama ever since. He and his wife had a daughter 5 months younger than Maya so he has 5 daughters. 1 I knew about in 5th grade, 3rd grade twins, Maya and the baby.
I told his parents since he wouldn't and I thought they deserved a chance to be grandparents even if he choose to not be a dad. They do see Maya and love her very much. It is a weird situation since Stuart is not involved. His mother, Maya's Nana, travels a lot as a Christian speaker so her schedule is not consistant.
So that is our story. I have a great family, wondeful friends and co workers that support me so we will be alright. It's just not what I thought it would be.
Now that I posted my story here is my vent for today.
I am grouchy, PMS and horomonal. I am mad that I am still not over being mad at Stuart. I am mad that I have not moved on. Part of me wants to date but I think I am too hung up on the past to do so fairly. Plus when would I meet someone? And the guilt over not being with Maya when I work all day is too much. I hate that he is not upset over this, he has moved on, he doesn't think of all this.
Maya's Nana called yesterday at noon and asked if she could pick up Maya from daycare. I never say no (even though we had playgroup yesterday) I think of it as her vistation time. So when I pick her up Nana tells me that Maya wasn't that comfortable over there and she wants to see her more often. Well it's been 3 weeks and I think more often would be better but she is gone so often. Maya is her only biracial grandchild so I think that plays a part in all of this. And she asked me if I have diapers at home. Well OF COURSE. She said there were none in her daycare bag. That is because I send a big package to daycare, not a few everyday. My child was wearing a Baby Phat outfit. Why would I spend money on that but not buy diapers? Really...
This is a little addictive in the beginning, huh? My daughter is officially a toddler and it is a rough transition. I LOVE so many things about this age. I love that she can talk and is learning so many new things. She knows her colors pink and green, part of ABCs and can talk in short sentences (Where is..., Here ___ is) Her favorite word is Mama She is a great eater. She loves baby dolls and being outside and dogs.
The downside of toddlerhood is tantrums! We were at the park on Wednesday. Maya was playing, having a great time. Her shoe came off and when I tried to put it back on, she didn't want it on. She was kicking and wiggling and saying NO. I told her she couldn't play without the shoe. So I finally get the shoe on only for her to fall to the ground crying. I told her we would leave if she wasn't going to play. It goes on for a minute and so we leave. It is a wreastling match to get her to the car. And then she BIT me. Yes bit me! I was so mad. All over a shoe.
The other down fall, my child does not sleep. Doesn't go to sleep on her own, doesn't stay asleep all night, doesn't sleep in her own bed after she wakes up. This can wear you out.
But did I mention that she makes me laugh daily, sings, dances, is super friendly and has the cutest curls ever
I love the weekends. We went to "prom" at my mom's school last night. She works with special needs children. Maya had a good time but didn't make to bed til 10! She moved to my bed about 2 and wanted to get up at 6:30. We are working on giving up the binkie. It is rough to say the least. We had about an hour crying match this morning because I wouldn't let her take the binkie out of the bed. My child is definately strong willed. Both her father and I are so that is a lethal combination. It is so weird to see how she favors me or him. There are certain things she does that are pure him even though they haven't met much. Genetics is an odd odd thing. Mi's skin is much lighter than I ever thought which is a source of CONSTANT comments. It really gets old actually. People say Are you sure she's mixed or She could pass or I thought she was Hispanic. Like I am unaware of who her father is. I have the DNA test to prove it, thanks Stuart. And pass for what? A cute baby? We are definately not over race in this country. I am sure it will be all kinds of fun for her in school.
We currently live in my brother's house. It has a finished basement and he lives down there with everything except a kitchen. I am forever grateful that he purchased a house and let us live here while I was trying to get on my feet as a single mama. That being said he is a slob. It is way beyond normal. He leaves his food boxes all over the basement. Currently it is flooded and smells. It is supposed to be taken care of tomorrow. I really really hope so. I wish I could be on one of this shows that comes in and completely unclutters your house. I want it to be clutter free but seem to have a hard time throwing things out
I have this fear that my daughter will have a less than perfect life because she has a single mom. I rationally know there is no perfect. She already has no father so I hate for her to miss out on anything else. I also know this sounds so materialistic but it's true. Of course being a single mama I am often broke. Really broke, no savings, nada. Daycare, rent, bills, car, student loan, insurance leaves little money for all the things I want to buy my child. Which means there is never money on the fun things for mommy. I can pacify it with the fact that I am 30 and spent a lot of time spending a lot of fun money on me. Still there are times I feel mad that I work all this time away from my child and cant afford to go to dinner if a friend calls. And let's not even talk about a babysitter. My parents are willing for free but I feel so guilty about being away from Mi since I am away from her all week. Adult just me time is not very often. All of that leaves me a little frazzled sometimes and I feel I get fustrated with Maya more than I should. Like tonight at bedtime she is screechy screaming, kicking, refusing to let me touch her and then she hits me and I smack her hand back. I felt bad but I just want her to go to bed without it seeming like I am killing her. Geez. I did buy her new twin bed and dresser today. I can't wait to set up her room. SO there goes my child refund check, hope I don't need that 300 dollars next year. Also I need to figure out how much Mi's eye surgery deductible will be. But her insurance is through her father and I am not sure they will tell me and well there is no way in h*ll he will. On an up note I have less than a month left till summer vacation!
One of the hardest things about being a single, working mama is having to deal with a sick child. My sister calls me this morning to tell me Maya woke up fussy, seemed really tired and had a slight fever of 100. So what's a mom to do? There are not enough subs in the building already so teachers are covering on their plan times. Maya isn't really desperately sick. She is vomitting, her fever wouldn't concern the doctor. But who wants to send a child to daycare who just doesn't feel great. Of course I want to sit at home with her but that is not a choice. I LOVE my daycare. It is a home daycare where they adore Mi, she is exposed to African Americans and it is really cheap but they aren't mama. Then I am miserable all day thinking of my poor baby. Yuck!
Conversation at lunch
"Did you know ____ teacher is having a baby shower?"
"I didn't know they were married"
"Now a days you don't have to be married"
"I know it is becoming too common"
Me "Yeah crazy those scandalous teachers. I wasn't married and I had a shower. Dang those heathans for showing up"
Nice to see my coworkers are so supportive, huh? It's really just one teacher in particular that is ultra conservative religious. That's his business but keep your opinions to yourself. My child is and will continue to be ok. I am far from ok that her father is not around but I can not change his decision.
Who by the way I emailed this week telling him I need his help. I thought I could do this all on my own but I was wrong. I can not be her mother and father. Only he can. (of course I know some far away dad I may find a man and he may fill the dad role in Maya's life but only Stuart is her father) His reply this morning "I will call you from work tomorrow"
So we shall see. I doubt he calls. He doesn't usually follow through. I guess wifey is checking that cell phone bill pretty close if he has to call from work.
You know you were very loved in this life. Your family and friends will miss you. I will pray for your children who now have to grow up with out you. It was such a senseless way to die. You knew how in love with your brother I always was. It broke my heart to see him crying over you. It was one of the hardest things I have been through in this life. I thought that the time and distance would have made my love less but it hasn't. We loved each other from the beginning and after all the time and rough patches, my heart still swells and my breath catches when I see him. I know that I will never love that way again. It was like my life ended when we didn't make it. I always thought I was above that. That love was a silly emotion girls felt but not me and then there was Lande. I was willing to do anything and everything for him. I can not get over the hurt I know he is feeling. Out of the destruction I was living due to our break, came Maya. She was the one thing that made me return from the depths of despair and move on. I have to love her completely now. I only wish the best for your family and especially Pap.