Please, tell me I'm not crazy, please tell me that I shouldn't me mad at my daughter, please tell me that getting frustrated is not the answer to all my problems, please tell me that I should control my emotions and shut up every now and then, please tell me that I'm a good mother, please shut up that voice inside me that tells me otherwise, please don't let my temper ruin my life, please don't let me show that I'm weak and that I can lose control of things ALL THE TIME, please tell everyone that I'm sorry for me, I'm too chicken****, please I just want to stop being so damn stupid and value what I have.... I'm asking for too much aren't I?
Well, I just reached a level where I think I'm going nuts. I can't stand being this way (AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK I'M A BAD PERSON AFTER YOU READ THIS)....
I'm very frustrated with how Aly's behaving. I wonder if it's me or if it's really her. It has gotten so bad that I've had to spank her a couple of times. I always grew up thinking that I wasn't going to spank EVER a child of my own and here I AM doing the total opposite. I don't hurt my child, I just spank her butt (diaper on) when she does something she shouldnt' be doing. I know I shouldn't spank her because what's the moral in teaching your child NOT to spank/hit other kids when you're doing it to them? I NEVER hit my daughter and I NEVER hurt her.. I don't think it hurts her at all but still I feel like sh*t for doing so.
Last night Aly wiped away my tears, tears that came out of frustration and being angry with myself. My parents are driving me insane, along with my sisters, everything's driving me insane (or am I already insane?) It really broke my heart to feel my daughter touching my face and wiping with her sweet hands my tears... I feel tears now just thinking of it... why does she have to see me this way? Why can't I show her that I'm strong. that I have to be strong for both us but being strong doesn't neccesarily means being mean and scream at her when she drives me nuts.
The thing is that I don't know how to control my temper. And every now and then I feel like I just want to give up. Sometimes I think I'm the worst mother and that Alana doesn't deserve to have me as her mom. She could have someone better. Someone less impulsive, someone less weak. Yes, I'm weak. I have to admit that I'm weak. I don't show it though. I'm a very good actress (sp?) so no one gets to see the real me. They don't know that I'm dying inside, they don't know that I feel lonely and that I feel like I've failed as a mother but that I want to be better.
Be back later tomorrow. Aly's in pain (TEETHING, I HATE IT!)
So, I re-read my previous entry and realized that what I wrote I wrote it out of complete frustrationg and anxiety. I had a horrible night with my parents ( we fought) and then I started to think about how I've been acting lately, what things I need to change and that AF is driving me to the walls. I really really need to talk to my doctor. I called to set up an appt. Should be interesting. I have a LOT of things to tell him but I don't want him to think I'm starting to go crazy, could be possible but still bothers anyone to know the truth.
I never abuse of my daughter, I want to leave that clear. But even if you thought that I do and judged me, I DON'T CARE. What matters is what it's really happening. I just felt like I needed to get it all out of my chest before I explode. I feel better today. I woke up with a bad mood but I'm trying my best not to let it win.
******** Ok I just heard my mom scream... LMAO She found a spider!!!!!!!! **************
OMG These are the days of our lives.... I will get better. I just need time on my own. I really really need to move out of here. Every little noise is driving me nuts and I can't stand being inside this house anymore.
Aly's not feeling very well. Runny nose and sneezing a LOT. And damn teething.. Poor baby.
Be back later.
Wish me a good day....
Living with your parents it's a PITA. Oh How I wish I had money to move NOW. Not likely to happen any day soon. Wich really is starting to make me nervous. I don't know how much more I can handle this stress. Mom lost her job, and although she doesn't show it, she's really stressed out about it, then there's my sisters, who are always driving us insane... then there's my niece who's always crying, then there's my sister who's never home or is always sleeping and leaves her daughter in my mom's care while she's "at school" but we all know she always leaves school and then goes to her friend's house. AND they DO NOTHING about it.. fine that's not my problem, but when it starts to bother them who pays it? Those who are in the house while she's out. Every little noise the kids make it's starting to bother my parents. Don't get me wrong, I know they love their grandkids with all their hearts but when your kids have kids of their own, that's more than a reason for you to move out of here and keep on going with your life. Of course, I believe in this. I don't have ANY money to move out of the house and he (my dad) just asked me to start looking for a place. I know I contribute to the stress with all my mood swings and my very bad temper but when I know I'm right, no one can change my opinion.
I don't know how long this will last but we are fighting almost every day. I has got to stop.. I will write more later.. dad's near...
So I was saying...
My dad and I have never had a good relationship. Some days are better than others while there are days that we can't stand looking at each other. I honestly don't know how to explain why but it hurts some times. I used to not care (when I was younger and didn't Alana) but then one day I realized that some day I'm not going to have them any more so I had to leave aside all my anger towards him and try to "fix" our relationship. It's not easy, believe me. I have a very strange dad, while I admire him, I also think he has a LOT of things to change. His childhood had a tremendous impact on him (that's why he's this way) so that's part of the reason why I try to be nice to him. The way he was brought up wasn't the best way and we (his children) had to pay for it. I forgave him a long time ago but still we don't talk often, yup! Even living in the same house. There are days when we don't even speak a word to each other. Crazy, I KNOW.
I love my parents to death... but they never understand me or they never take the time to talk and let me explain what's happening with me or what's changing or what's new/different.. or even let me explain why my points of view are different than theirs. If something doesn't go their way, then it's the end of the world. That's why living with them it's a nightmare. They are good parents, we just don't fit together anymore.
My points of view in certain things are completely different than theirs and that always brings fights and yelling between us. I always try to help them out but we always end up fighting.
I hate when they try to treat me like a 18year old. I'm not a 18 year old ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! I know I behave like one sometimes, specially when I'm playing with my sisters, they bring the child in me LOL.. but that's another thing..
What the heck am I going to do...
Like Pooh says... "Think"...."Think"....
I'm going to watch The Wiggles with Alana. :P Ciao!
Karen, Single Mommy to Alana (10/14/01) & Aidan (01/11/07)
"The Easter Bunny Bit Me!"
No fighting in like 3 days. That's great. Finally things have started to calm down around here. I think my "bad mood" is finally gone since saturday. I still feel a bit moody every now and then but I think it's all hormonal. I'm going to ask my doctor tomorrow when I see him. It's not normal to feel like this.
Aly's so cute. Speaking of her, she wants to type. I'm going go play with her.
Will write more later.
We had a great time on saturday. It was Alana's firt visit to the zoo. OMG did she have fun. Thank god kids don't pay until they're 15.
Aly checking out the hippos and waving bye bye to the giraffes (sp?)
Aly eating/drinking her snow cone (had to ask my dad for the name lol). She screamed and threw herself on the floor every time I tried to have some of it. UGH I wish I had pics of her tantrums.
Here's a story. Aly wanted to walk so I took her out of the stroller. As she was walking, I told her to look at the giraffes,
This is the face she put when she saw them and said: OHHH AHHH.. something like a gasp..
Then she stopped and stood there looking at them,
Aly and me. Alana was pointing at some strange birds.
Aly wasn't too impressed with the snakes...
But she loved the giraffes...
I've tried putting my daughter in bed soooo many times but this house is full of noises. I'ts 9pm and I WANT Alana to stay or at least go back to her old sleeping routine. It was working soooo great for the last few days but then yesterday she got pretty wild when I picked her up from Felisha's house. OMG It was like she was high on something. Took me a good three hours to finally put her to sleep and some serious talking. Had to talk to her, in this really serious voice tone, then she took the hint and went to sleep. I want to keep this routine for when we move out of here. I can't imagine myself with a crazy kid after I get out of work and go home to something like that.. NO FREAKING WAY! I TOTALLY refuse to live something like that. Of course, there are days that you just have to accept it but I don't want it to be an every day thing. NO NO NO ! LOL
We stayed home all day. It was too hot to go to the park and I hate to sweat. YUCK! I've taken like 5 baths and I will take another one before going to bed. I feel like I'm going to melt any min. This crazy island!!!
Yesterday was interesting though. Jose called around 9am to tell me that his mom came from the US to see her grand kids and that she'll be arriving any min. You can imagine how I reacted. OMG I had MINS to straighten ous this place, mop the floors, clean the table, clean the kitchen (we were having breakfast) AND bathe Alana. So, I started to freak out (it was the first time we were going to meet)... Got Aly dressed, very pretty , then sit on the computer to print out some pictures for her. Then someone was calling outside.. I HAD to tell Felisha to come inside while I was getting dressed. Alana freaked out when she saw her. It never happened before, maybe it's because Aly's used to seeing her at their place so I explained to her that it could be that. Jose's mom didn't get out of the car, all that cleaning for nothing, UGH. They told me they were taking her shopping and to eat outside so then I had to prepare Aly's bad in like a min. I ran as fast as I could (they were melting outside LOL, they could have come inside ya know), then I went outside and met Jose's mom. She's really nice. Asked me how old Alana is, surprised me that she didn't know, then Felisha strapped the carseat and Aly freaked out again when they strapped her in. Poor thing, it broke my heart to see her cry for me.
Apparently they had an AWESOME time. But I had to go pic her up, like always. They tell me they're bringing her home and then I have to go pick her up. BUT I took AAAAAAALLLL my time. When I arrived Alana was sooooo excited to see me. Then she started babbling away, like she was telling me all about her exciting day. TEE HEE My funny girl. Felisha told me Jose went to see her. That really surprised me (when he called he told me he was in another city working, a city that's like 2 1/2 hrs from here). She said they had TONS of fun. That Aly kept asking him to give her a bath, pulling down her diaper and taking her clothes off. Of course, he didn't give her a bath, Felisha did. MEN! Felisha told me a couple of sweet things that he told Aly. Like when I told him all about our beach house vacation last week. I told him Alana wanted to walk in the water. She begged me to take her out of the floating thingy and cried while I tried to explained to her that she can't "walk" in the water. LOL So Jose was talking to Alana (his fam was there too) that the "water" thing is in the blood. Jose is a pro surfer and Alana LOVES LOVES the water. He said that he can't wait until he can take it to the beach with him and teach her how to surf. Yeah right, like I'm going to let her do that so young. Maybe when she's older. If it was for her, I would have to bathe her 10 times a day. So at least he accepts a similarity (sp?) between them. Stupid DA because Alana looks JUST like him.
Anyways, I was shocked to know that he was there. It's good, I feel good that he spent time with her.
Aly's watching Lilo & Stitch now. I want her to go to sleep NOW.
What an awesome day!!!!!! God answered my prayers!!! I was begging him to help me with financial aid to study this summer and he replied to my prayers!!! I can take 2 classes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so freaking excited!! That means that I will graduate next summer.
O M G !! ! ! ! ! ! !
I have to go.. I feel like screaming.. lol
Aly's watching Lilo & Stitch again.. OMG I have to buy her new movies.
For over a month, I've been thinking about Freddy. Maybe it's because this month is a year since I shared my feelings for him.. a year that I will never forget because I lost my best friend and the person that I truly loved (or love). I miss him so much. I miss our talks, I miss his words of encouragement, his jokes. I miss everything!!! We used to be the best pals in the whole wide world, now we are strangers. I know I should erase him off my mind, but I can't. He is part of my life and I need him. But I don't want to call him. Something tells me that I shouldn't call him... something tells me that I should NOT tell him how I feel because in the end it's me who's going to get hurt. I know he's with someone. Heck, I've had this feeling since the very first moment I left Orlando. Well, not really.. but I was feeling so insecure and secure at the same time. A long distance relationship is very hard but I was determined to make it work. Freddy, on the other hand, made my life misserable and thought that it wasn't going to work. Then one day he calls and tells me that he wants me, that he loves me and that I'm the only person that can make him happy. Of course I believed him, one because I know it's true (I still believe he has *some* feelings for me) and secondly because I wanted to love him more. Then everything changed. Freddy's the kind of guy who's very very very afraid of commitment. He calls and tells me that he couldn't be with me anymore (eventhough we were MILES apart), that he doesn't love me like he used to, that the kind of love he has for me is as a friend.. etc.. etc..etc.. This is an old story. So, why I keep tourturing (sp?) myself.
I want to call him and see how he's doing. But should I? I'm so stupid for even thinking about him.
I miss his kisses.... I miss his hugs. I miss everything!!!
But most of all.. I MISS MY BEST FRIEND.
It is all my fault. No one told me to fall in love with my best friend. It was ME who fell for him.. But why do I feel like he was guilty too. For making me believe he had feelings for me too?
Can I Love You?
by Retina Yazzie
I gave my heart to you
I set my standards high
I laid my eyes on you,
I laughed and cried with you,
I told you my hopes and dreams,
My Love and Fears.
My tears I shed all over your shoulder.
In the end,
I came to see that you were
the only guy I could ever trust.
When I see you,
my face lights up with aspiration, and happiness.
When we talk, I can feel the load unload
with soothing words from you.
I have the feeling of love in my heart.
In my mind, I say "You don't mean a thing. "
In my words, I say "You are just a friend. "
But in the deep end of my heart,
I think of only you
When I tell you my expectations of a guy,
You tell me never to fall short of what I want.
But only one thing stands in the way -
You are a friend.
Can I still love you the way that I do?