the Sleepy Sheepless Shepard
liked that title better than the original one...and now that Brian is here it is also FITTING
HERE GOES NOTHING...*draws a bit breath and hits ctrl v*
Posted: 2002-11-10 23:52
well, an explination for the title: we have the 2 border collies, we have the land, we have the know how (done it for years)...we EVEN have the SHEEP...BUT alas, not the fences, so the SHEEP reside at Mom and Dad's
anyway, I read a couple of journals...rejoice when things go good, and pray when things go bad (and am thankful when it isn't me)...so, here is hoping somebody gets something out of my probably short-lived journal as well
a lil background:
I am 32, opinionated, pregnant, hormonal (and this is ......unusual?)...I am born again Christian...dispite what some have said, I know where I stand, and what others thing rarely mean much to me, but I can be irritated, which can make me...irritatING in spite of my best intentions...ah yes, and for as long as I can remember, even pre-preg this has applied
for some more mundane details, I was raised EXTREMELY conservatively...when I was rather sm our family went to the Mennonite church in Fresno, we came up here and went to a Southern Baptist-style Baptist church and I say that cuz I have modified what I believe after much soul searching and a LONG hiatus from ANY church...the lovely ladies at my folks church LOVED gossip, and I got burned...NO, I am NOT saying what I did was right, but it was certainly NOT their business, and they couldn't WAIT to go tell Mom (man this is so very very far off where I was going to go, but .......is just....sort of....cathartic
anyway, when I was 8ish we moved from Fresno to WA State...a good move, but not one I was overly thrilled with in the beginning...when I was about...10? my Grandparents moved up here...both a blessing and a curse...my G-ma and I were close, but she never let me get away with much...she didn't let ANYONE get away with much, but to give you an idea, EVERYONE called her and G-pa G-ma and G-pa and knew they loved and welcomed just about everyone...oh yeah, and a lil background, I was born on her B-day...she always called me the "best birthday present"...there is a story that goes with it, but think I will wait on that one...this post is already turning into a monster
so anyway, as a rebelious teen, I picked up a bf at 15...something rather stupid...he was definately one of the dregs of society, and my very strict parents did their best to disallow it but I could be....inspiring if I really chose to be, and we did manage some alone time...I was rather curious as to what sex really was and he was oh so willing to show me
anyway, where was I? ah yes...during the 12-13 yr church hiatus, I had 2 rather serious relationships with 2...interesting men, both 5 yrs long, both long distance, both rather foolish of me as well...yes, I slept with them, no I never got preg...they were both rather different from one another, but similar in that they were...pretty self centered, pretty lonely...one was a Hispanic guy with a low self esteem, but was a great friend b4 we started dating...for the record, I still miss that friendship, but no longer the man...I have always been into the fixer-up stuff...car, house, friends, bf as well, and I like a challenge, so I held on for dear life...I was GOING to make it work come hell or high water...ah yes, 5 yrs my senior...I can count on one hand how many times he expressed a positive "I love you" emotion towards me and have fingers left...
the second was a man 9 yrs my senior, the mighty white hunter, and what we call a road ho...meaning he worked about 4-6 mos out of the yr or more and played the rest...another fixer-upper altho he was quite a bit more self centered...this relationship was better...he was more attentive and more affectionate...we had more good times together, but whereas the good was better, the bad was.....oh so much worse...and, he didn't want kids period cuz, and yes this is a quote, "I don't want to have to share my stuff"
I should have ran, but by now I had convinced myself I didn't want kids anyway, so why not?
that one ended very badly...I did things I am ashamed of...sorry for...and learned from, I will NOT ever repeat them again (and no one has ever inspired me to that, which I find interesting)
so, I had this friend once that said if you don't want to repeat your mistakes, change tactics...date someone DIFFERENT...so for 2 (?) yrs I was single, and PICKY...I sort of took a hiatus from the steady relationship aspect and started back to church (ok, off and on)...I finally decided that if I wanted a serious relationship I should go back to church and stick to my guns...no more fixer-uppers...I got serious, joined a church, was baptised
and I didn't lower my standards, but I DID change them...I refined them...added and subtracted and voila, things started making more sense...I did the same with my beliefs, much to my Mom's dismay sometimes, but hey, is a grey area thing (and certainly NOT something I am going to post so ya all can debate me)
so anyhow, I did meet my now DH...altho it wasn't in church, it was online...interesting, and I remember telling him just about off the bat that he was too old (yes yes, 15 yrs my senior) but that I was open to more friends...and we definately bacame really good friends rather quickly...we had so much fun together, and there were NO strings...we had tons and tons of fun, and I was always up front...he was...PATIENT...and, just a friend, and there for me WHENEVER I needed him...I finally saw the light, we started dating, and got married about a 1.5 later...we had a sm wedding...and it wasn't bad...IN FACT it was about the best I have ever seen...BUT, for the record, I would still ELOPE! but then I am just WEIRD!
so, for some fill, by now G-pa has been long gone...he passed on when I was 22 I think...the Tues before Thanksgiving...G-ma moved in with my parents a few years later...
so, fast forward 2 more yrs and I am married, 32, and preg...life has certainly never been better, for the most part...we have had to move G-ma into assisted living as Mom is no longer capable...I am still very close to her, and Mom and I make a point of spending time with her...doing things with her and taking care of her...but it is getting harder...in the 3 months she was there, my son has shown himself so I know HE is my son, or at least am pretty sure of it...I have felt him move, had hiccups, and I have gone from being sorta pregnant (DH's words) to VERY pregnant, and altho she wasn't always really coherent, she is at least so very excited about the baby and does remember that...and I get to hear all her baby stories, which is pretty neat!
and when Mom went to Alaska in August, things started to happen...G-ma would get in turn much better and then much worse...she started making regular trips to the ER from her many falls and assorted problems...and it didn't stop when Mom got home either...it got progressively worse...and worse and worse and finally she was admitted to the hospital for observation...the tests I had been told by my sil to have done were FINALLY done...the news was not good at all...her dementia was caused by (from what I understand) a shut down of her kidneys spilling proteins en masse) which was also poisoning her system and her not drinking much/any water...it is sad to note I have a really good idea as to the why they shut down...I love my G-ma, please don't forget that, but she has always been a bit of a.....hypochondriac...she put a hole in her stomach eating aspirin like candy many yrs ago...she had massive back problems brought on mainly by her foolish actions (won't go there either) and I work my very best not to repeat...that brought on failed surgery's and a dependance on Tylenol 3 (T3) or Codienne, which she takes on a VERY regular basis...and then, when her brains have been a bit scrambled from the abuse, she forgets she has taken the T3 and starts to overmedicate, which would have been...about a yr.5 ago, and Mom had to take control (another long story) of her meds...at this point, she is upset cuz she needs more pills, altho the Dr says definate NO so she starts to take Tylenol and or Advil like candy, and Tums, and....
so back to recent...the tests we wanted run, came back...her kidneys have failed...there is lil to no function left in them, and she has maybe 2 months left to live, altho even that today looks...like an overly optomistic projection...in some ways she looks better, but mentally, she is mostly gone...she is also on Morphine shots for a couple of reasons...the toxins aren't good, because of her back problems being bedriddin in itself is PAINFUL...the Morphine adds to her dementia
BUT, on a lil brighter note, I have many blessings to count...I got to spend the majority of my life with a highly intelligent wonderul and loving woman that loved her family more than anything...and shared her love with the whole family, even those in her "family" that weren't blood related...today, she recognized us when we got there...Brian finally kicked for her, which she was so thrilled with...she lived her example...she was a beacon of light thru most of even the worse times (hey, we all have our moments!)...she is someone I would love for Brian to have known, so she can be his "angel"...I so don't think she will ever get to see him face to face, but at this point, I think I can handle that better then watching her for the next 2 mos like this...
and thru it all, God has blessed me...I never could have done this alone...when G-pa passed away, I was pretty much on my own, and that was...so very hard...and while I loved my G-pa, I was so much closer to G-ma (another rather long story)...I lived with G-ma for a bit, helped take care of her before she moved in with Mom...I love her so much, and this is all very hard to deal with...but now that I have Mark (DH), I do have someone to lean on...he has been so very supportive, a light when I need it...sometimes I think he should be sainted or something, but he is "just doing what he is supposed to"...I dont think I could do this alone...I certainly dont want to try...
so anyway, I see this is going to be one monster of a post already, so I will stop here...I know, too late, tmi (sorry)
but it sure feels better to get it on "paper"
I need to go see what DH is up too...last I say the dogs and Max were harrassing him so I should go rescue him...hopefully the next post won't be so very long!
the Sleepy Sheepless Shephard
Posted: 2002-11-11 20:48
well, another day, another phone call
after yesterday, and seeing G-ma in her current state, worrying about Mom, and helping pack up the assist living apt, I started feeling a little more at peace with what was going on...it really needed to become a her thing and so not a me thing...meaning, I was feeling selfish about being hurt that she would never get to see my son...our son...I have to say that was definately one thing I was so looking forward too...she had felt my tummy more than once and never had he once kicked her (he is so good at that too! ya touch the tummy and he STOPS)
BUT, after seeing her, her condition...and knowing she was leaving so quickly...and then having Brian do the one thing I have been trying to get him to do...SHE knew...she was higher than a kite on Morphine, but SHE KNEW...SHE FELT HER GREAT GRANDSON AND SHE KNEW IT...omg...now I am gonna cry again...she knew...and she knew who I was, and that Mark was there...and SHE KNEW BRIAN WAS THERE...
so, yes it hurts like hell...it hurts more than a broken heart, over some silly man (no we aren't talking DH either), more than physical pain...but she knew...it hurts, but she got to feel him...for me, right now, that is plenty...she is not suffering...in her incoherence, after we left her room, she started to giggle like crazy...I think she was in and out of reality, but Praise God, she knew...
we did get more news today...it isn't good...her Kidney's are 90% ineffective (Renal failure?) and the pidley 10% left is fading fast...she is dumping proteins probably by at least 90% as well, which means she is getting next to nothing...she has the starts of Renal Failure related Pneumonia...she has absolutely NOTHING to fight it with...she has a not so good heart, tons of worthless fluid in her system
instead of not saying anything, or making Mom go thru the calling again, I emailed everyone, including my sis and bro...first time around Mom said she could go anytime
so I emailed everyone, then figured I should give Mom a heads up...it isn't nice to do something for her and then defeat the purpose cuz she doesn't know what is going on
so I called her back...is good I emailed her first...her story changed...the Dr doesn't expect her to make it thru the night...I guess that WOULD qualify for anytime, but...
so I spent most of the night up for reflux, and, maybe stress (ya THINK?)...I prayed that she wouldn't suffer too much instead of asking for her to stay...I feel raw, I hurt, I still have the worlds most WONDERFUL man behind me every step of the way...so, now I am feeling much better, in a way...I don't feel selfish anymore...I can see I was so very blessed with being able to be with her and help her towards the end...and help Mom...I can see I have had so much more than even my siblings in that I have been here with both her and Mom for so long...the 3 of us have had a grand ol time...we have done lunch...out...we have done shopping...we have done the Christmas and Turkey thing...just the 3 of us...I have heard countless of her stories over and over, and I know them by heart...I know my Uncle could be a pill...the middle one...I know the oldest one was such a joy even tho my G-pa was overseas shortly after conception...I know the youngest is her joy...I know so many things...that My Mother has been such a huge and APPRECIATED help to her...I know that altho she didnt really have a "favorite" grandchild, she had a "favorite" grandchild that was always there to help her out, or harrass her, or take her to her hair apt (and of course go get lunch with her!)...I know I can deal with the elderly...I know I can make a difference, even tho it is so very hard...I know that between the 3 of us, we have touched so very many lives...and that we have 2 wonderful men behind us, and one in heavon lovingly and anxiously waiting for his sweetheart to come to him (ok, find him, he was so very bad at directions, riding with him was ALWAYS an adventure)
I know so many things, and was blessed so very much by just doing one simple thing, being there...loving her, taking care of her and letting her love me...and I am certainly am NOT the easiest to love
I am like her in some ways...I also know now that I carry babies easily like she did, that came out yesterday...
so, with that, I will relate her MOST favorite story...the one I will cry over as I write it...the one that so terribly embarrassed me more than once
the date would have been Sept 28, 1970
G-ma was working at a packing plant in Central CA (Alemeda sp? I think)...she and a couple of her work friends were busy with their day (ya all should know CA is one huge Ag state...tons and tons literally of produce)...somewhere around 3, my Mom calls her...from the labor and delivery room, and sings her happy birthday, cuz, on her 52 birthday, her oldest daughter gave birth to her BEST birthday present ever...you got it...me...I guess G-ma was a lil excited...between her and the other 2 ladies in the office, I guess they all totally lost it...they were in charge of paperwork that the loaded trucks were supposed to carry...needless to say, the wrong paperwork went with the wrong truck more than once, so that lead to ALL 3 of them being send home...
so loves to tell that to everyone...even total and COMPLETE STRANGERS...I will so miss that story...what I would give to hear her tell it one more time...just one more time
but I have that story...the memories...I have years of growing up with her...of becoming an adult and helping her out...I have more than most have...be at peace my love...I will certainly see you on the other side