Posted: 2003-03-02 16:26
ok, for a lil more to add to my journal...many things have happened since my last "true" postings...for instance, see birth story above, I have conquered breastfeeding, I have made peace with my sister, (a later post) my husband has been laid off from his job, and we have been getting tons and tons of projects done!
but I want to start with the first two, the important stuff!
January 12, 2003 I delivered my first son, Brian Patrick James E. with the unfaltering aid of my husband (who was my rock, he was FANTASTIC, and altho I wasn't surprised, I was surprised he handled the blood and gore so well!)...my Mom was there (her first human delivery) in the room, and Dad was at the hospital (gotta say I was rather surprised at that!)...my midwife delivered Brian, which was very reassuring...overall it was...intense, exhilerating and tiring...and sureal...one minute you are pregnant, the next you aren't and here ya go, a BABY...and I am like...blown away...it is real, but it isn't...is like I was waiting for the real Mom to come get him...but oh my God, he was beautiful...not just I am the Mama pretty, but OH MY GOD I DID THAT? beautiful...tons of hair too...and, for as big as his head was, it wasn't a cone head...guess that is cuz he never dropped, and delivery was only 5 hours...labor, pushing and all...wow
so because both of us were healthy...oh yeah, Brian was 9 lbs 13 oz (as in almost 10!) 21.5 in long (not sure how accurate that is btw) with a crown of 38.5 and shoulders of 36...there was NOTHING little about my boy...even his hands and feet seemed a bit big to me...but I digress...so because we were both ok, we went home that afternoon...I had ABSOLUTELY NO intention of staying any longer than I had too...so, we admitted Sat am (8 or 9?? I really don't remember), the pitocin admistered at 10, kicked in at 12, delivered at 5:19...he was fed cup style probably around 6 or so and was given 6 oz...my midwife was hoping both Brian and I would sleep...BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHA SO FUNNY! like I want to go to sleep! we were busy going over our child...and he wasn't that interested in sleep either...and within an couple of hrs he was hungary as well, so we did the breastfeeding thing...Cynthia showed me how, and off she went (hey, SHE WAS tired...) so we are good to go, I finally took a bit of a nap, Brian wakes up and I go to feed him...here begins the saga of my frustrations...the nurse walks in and says not to do it that way, that is wrong, do it this way...and I am tired enough and silly enough to listen to her (next time I kick her butt out of the room)...the day nurse totally had me screwed up, and that happened 2 or 3 times, every time different...so when Cynthia gets back, I am a bit frustrated...oh yeah, and Brian's latch isn't very good either...so we go back over things again and shortly after that we head home...think it was.....hm..7 or later? all I wanted was to go HOME...
so, we get home...any time Brian squaks, I feed him, and every time I feed him, he sucks 6 times or less and goes to sleep, and refuses to stay awake, altho cold cloths will wake him back up, it more pisses him off (not condusive to nursing) so back to Cynthia we go, and she said it LOOKS like we are doing it right...I think we went to her office 2 or 3 times that first week...and every visit Brian has lost MORE wt...but I knew SOME wt loss was normal...so I am feeling pretty darn good, and Brian is just too darn cute, so at 5 days old, Brian goes to his first hockey game...we lost btw...and he slept thru the WHOLE THING...so day 7 (a Sunday, btw), we are to head back in cuz Cynthia is starting to worry...but by now I am pumping and supplementing and I could tell he was gaining wt (he was getting back to his cheeky self and his slight jaundice was clearing out)and he HAD gained wt...and of course she had a cow that I had taken Brian out...
but, back to what I was saying...I was stressing out...I wasn't having much success in the breastfeeding dept...I wasn't hurting anywhere, but that was cuz he wasn't latching or feeding very well...as soon as we started supplementing, everything started getting better...I started dreading going to apts...every time I had gone there was a NEW problem...Brian didn't poop for like 6 days, and that had everyone WORRIED...he got the myconium out in...4 days or so...and after that...nothing...wet diapers, but not near enough, and he was always a lil fussy, and getting weaker...so on his first week b-day my milk supply was diminishing...I cried and raged...nothing worked...Mark and I fought a couple of times, cuz he was semi pleased to be able to bottle feed Brian, and I was pissed off he HAD too...and that he was PLEASED at all...to me it signaled failure
oh yeah, did I mention I had flat nipples too? one thing after another...
SO...for the first 4 weeks of Brian's outside life, I was stressing out...eventually I rebelled, had 32+ oz of Dr Pepper, spicy Mexican food (yes, WITH the refried beans) and a rather pissy attitude
oh the gas...even the gas drops didn't work that day...it made me realize a couple things...first of all, I COULD NOT have soda OR beans...but second that he was STILL GETTING BREASTMILK! so I decided to focus on making sure he got as much from me as he could, and that giving him formula was FINE...I needed to stop just saying it and live it...period
and the fenugreek started working, as did the extra water and the diet control...I also cut out the tang in my tea...and started pumping in earnest...and it started to work...
and Mom and I started talking, and it turns out G-ma's milk would dry up really easy, and that it was a lil thin...knowing G-ma she also hated the hassle, but still, voila, I had an explination on WHAT was happening and WHY it was getting so hard and feeling impossible
SO, I asked a gal on my board if she supplemented, and suddenly found out I wasn't the only one doing supplementing AND pumping...and found a really neat board on Yahoo as well...and I wasn't alone...it really makes a person feel so much better to know you have company...that you aren't totally weird...
so, Fri Feb 28th, we weigh and measure Brian...he was 14 lbs 6 oz and 25 in long
he cooed at us thru the measuring, he still hates being weighed! then we breast fed him before we left...and I felt...total relief
I felt like a ton was lifted from me
and today, I decided to write in my journal, and I remember how much G-ma was hoping for a red-headed grandchild
she finally got it...enjoy G-ma...suddenly I am hoping he stays redheaded!
Posted: 2003-03-09 00:24
oh my gorgeous traitorous son...my lil still red headed temper-flaunting lil boy
yes, he is getting a head start!!! this am he was pretty fussy...hey, he isn't quite 2 months so that happens, right? so ya start reading the books...omg, I forgot why I decided to stay away from them...everything is normal...yes, the dreaded N word...ug...it isn't spoken around here anymore...so I am looking for answers to the crying thing and find this passage where it says some babies NEED to cry themselves to sleep...I can't really do that effectively yet, and yup...he KNOWS it...
but I did eventually figure out wht his problem was...he was lookin for Daddy...the bear had gone into hybernation and for once didnt get up until 10...he looks and is acting soooooo much better! not that grumpy at all today! so after he got up and ate etc...he took lil mr fuss budget who happily played with Dad for awhile and I got ready
called Mom and found out she was almost on her way...and she and I and the wee one went galavanting...to Olive Garden first (omg that was sooooooooooooooooooooooo good!), then to Michaels to get Marks stuff framed (2 prints from Christmas 2001) and then to Sears...broke out the stroller...learned a very valuable lesson today too...God created strollers for a very GOOD reason...we won't leave home w/o it again!! he is way too big to attempt to carry him for too extended a time...and he was a perfect angel too...didn't fuss or complain at all, and was looking around all bright eyed and impressing all we came across (who wouldn't be impressed by me beautiful son?)
ran into a friend of mine I have been trying to catch for a couple weeks...we yaked for a bit, that was great too...finally headed home at 4 something...Mark had the prime rib going...he did a PERFECT job, it was omg wonderful too...I finished off the rest of dinner...oh yeah, and made lobster tails for Mom and Cory...Mom and Dad's b-day were a couple weeks ago and I wanted to do something special, and Cory brought the 3 girls (no Maurice, he had to work) and we had a BLAST...holy moly it was crazy but so much fun...I want to do that more more more...Dad got here at about 6:30 and we ate by 7...at least I think it was 7...we all gorged ourselves...Mark and I don't do the lobster, but Mom does and I got that right as well, she was sooooooo thrilled! to explain the lobster thing, Mom called Thurs and asked if I had an albertsons card, which I didn't...asked why and she said they had the tails on sale, so Fri we went, got the card, the prime rib (at 3.59 a lb ) and it was faaaaaaaaaaantastic! and got 4 tails
needless to say we had a great time
it was also one of those soothing things for DH...we were supposed to go to MT to see his folks, but Thurs am, as we are packing the truck at 6 something to head out, his Dad calls to say they are having a snowstorm and is nasty from Cour De Alene on...so we checked the MTDOT site, and yup...is nasty the whole way...Mark bailed, it wasn't my decision, but I am so very grateful we didn't make the attempt! we are going to make an attempt later tho...
and got a bit o good news too...Mark has a VERY promising lead on a job...one of they guys he used to work with gave him a glowing recomendation and emailed him to say it looks "very promising" and "stay tuned" and as I can see this is one of the places Mark really wanted to work! so the great part of us not going to MT might be the realization of a job
anyway, before Mom and I went out, she was complimenting Mark on the retaining planter thingie Mark had finished off...he has done a really fantasmic job too...Mark has joked that he has done more since he was laid off then when he was working in some ways he probably has, and it looks...professionally done...and he gets to spend tons and tons of time with Brian...something I am sure I will have to deal with when he goes back to work and Brian is looking for him but for now I enjoy the help and the sleep!
ah yes, and after everyone clears out today, Brian starts fussing again *SIGH* tried a couple of things, and he doesn't want to settle down, so I told him I was going to put him in the crib, then did and he LIKED it...that is ALL it took??!?!?!?!
oh yeah, and now that he settled down, and more or less went to sleep, Ken shows up...I forgot he was headed over after work...so his Mom's psycho gf can have time to herself...ah well, that is totally a different story, and not going to post that here now...and Brian wasn't going to sleep in there anyway, so it isn't any problem, he sleeps in our room...didn't think he would go to sleep anyway, so...
and, as I type, I think I can hear him waking up...that works too...gotta get going!
Posted: 2003-03-19 23:50
well, another day goes by...not a bad one over all either...nothing that new to post on the Mark job front...other than he is getting plenty of reassurances that he will get the job...so, sometime tonight we will be heading to MT...we are getting packed and ready to go, gonna get some sleep and head out when Brian goes back to sleep! we figure we are better off trying to run while he is asleep...I will crash as I can on the way, and try to relieve Mark somewhere along the way...I am not sure we will make it in one day or not...that depends on the decib level Brian achieves and Mark's raw nerves...maybe we can just drug one or both of them ?
so anyway, the reason for journaling today is I need to get something off my chest...I am really starting to hate going over to the house I grew up in...we went over today for a bbq with the Reilly's and the folks and we had a great time...for the most part...I am still so hormonal...Mom has been searching for a good pic of G-ma to draw...she has some pretty good talent for it too...if her heart is in it...so she has plenty of pics of G-ma around...one was of G-ma holding my cousin when she was little...the pic is about, oh, 5-8 yrs old I guess...and I was struck with it isn't Brian, and it won't ever be...all I wanted to do is to open the closed door and say hi and see how she was doing...but she isn't in there...so I walked away from the pictures...so we had dinner and I concentrate on conversation, Brian (who was being really good) and FOOD...we turned on the ceiling fan for the wee one who was instantly enamored...what IS it with him and fans?!?!?! had some iced tea too and oh my I remember how easily addicting that is! and then ya gotta go...and by the pics I go again...my Dad (G-pa now, wow...that means Mom is G-ma) is playing with my son...I can hear the Reilly trio playing in the background of my mind...Mom and Cory are chatting away and the guys are in the living room talking...who knows what over Brian (the testerone was flowing...) and as I close the door, I can smell her powder etc...so I do my thing trying to think of the sheep, my son, my dh...the weather...anything other than bawling my brains out...I am trying like mad to catch my hormonal dragon by the tail and not doing so well...am headed back to the kitchen and my must be psychic hubby meets me halfway and holds me...just past the closed bedroom door...it was getting close to time to go home anyway...I get my strength from Mark, he is my rock...I can honestly say I don't think I could live w/o him...I sure wouldn't want too...so I went in and talked to Cory for a couple, asked Maurice a couple questions and we head home...I found a topic I could distract myself with (my stepson) and Mark runs with it...he knows, I don't have to say much...I have tenuous hold (hey, I spelled that right first time!!!) on the dragon...at least for now...
we did have a good time...we talked lots of things today...from my niece to my childhood and what Brian will probably be like...to our trip to MT, the girls' latest happenings...we all played with the wee one who is getting so very big so very fast...and I still feel G-ma around us...and Brian dances on, and we are so blessed...I can't complain...
so, as the dragon playes in the field of my heart, I pack and get ready to build a relationship with Tank's other Grandparents
and I hope and pray he will have that special bond with all his Grand Parents as I did with mine...life goes on...let the dancing continue
egads...not that I have a long journal or anything, but it is like 30 pages in word! HOLY MOLY!!
not too much is changing here, other than my lil mooseling weed is growing at an unbelievable rate...has been just about a month since my last posting...we had an...interesting trip to MT too...drove straight thru
OMG that was STUUUUUUPID! (I LOVE some of these new features!) :roll: we won't be repeating that, ok, we did it both ways, but....yes folks we are talking 14 hrs on the road...is normally a 12-13 hr trip, but hey, we got a NEWBORN on board!
but we did have a good time in MT...weather was very cooperative for the most part...while there Mark got a call for a job that never materialized...not cuz they don't want him, they were seriously lusting after him! the contract fell thru tho :cry: I get a feeling they are still trying to figure something out for him, we will see....I pray he finds a job soon...I love my husband, but I might kill him if he doesn't go back to work soon...I love my husband I love my husband I love my husband
so from a post elsewhere:
Brian slept thru to 3 or 3:30 and Mark decides he has to "rescue" him and save me from having to get up...HELLO...thanks but I can't sleep on these two rocks...same as yesterday, same as last week, same as last month...I gotta get up to pump...but I WAS falling back asleep...it was starting to feel HEAVENLY until over the crying I hear him "not yelling" at my son...oh yeah, that will definately calm him down...he cries harder and I can feel my milk letting down...oh thanks, I am awake now...so I go to pump and Mark is throwing a fit...scaring Brian AND me...and then he gets super pissed when I take him to bf him...HELLO...IS CALLED HORMONES! you ain't got em, and I am truely NOT YELLING AAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGG
in my not yelling stage I realize Brian actually isn't truely awake...is his problem, or part of it...the bottle is no where near being warm, let alone where Brian likes it...so, he is "not yelling", and giving him a "not cold, it WAS warm" bottle and expects rainbows and sunshine??? I THINK NOT...gave him a few secs of the breastmilk, at which point he is all but back to sleep....so I stick the bottle back to him and he goes at that half awake for a few minutes and is out like a light
and I tried to explain it is as much a routine thing as it is a hormonal thing, (Brian is used to me getting up first), and he goes on and on about how Brian is controlling me...A 3 MONTH OLD??? OH PUUUULLLEEEEEEEZE! so now we are having the mother of all pissing contests...and as soon as Brian wakes back up (amazing how easily I put him to sleep)
and we are back to I love my husband I love my husband I love my husband
but things have more or less calmed down...I am dying to get some pics taken of Brian and I and I think Mark has agreed...Dad is going to bring his 34 mm over maybe Fri and get pics of all 3 of us...oh yeah, and got a pic to post! Dad finally got his dig camera to dump the pics! what a riot...
notice the swollen ankles, the double chin...hey, who is that good looking man with the beanie cap? man he hates we got a pic of him in it (HELLO, you could have taken if off!! :roll: )
so anyway, a day goes by and I guess I am not near as mad at him as I was this am...he is still being a lil of a poop, but not having a job can do that so I need to be more forgiving I suppose...urg...
other news, Mom and I are supposed to go dig up a bunch of bulbs Fri (wrong time of the yr I know, but hey, ya get what ya can) and I am really looking forward to time away from home and Mark and IN THE DIRT have found that going to Mom's isn't as hard as it was at first...I make myself go in the rooms and Mom has stopped closing the doors...AND there aren't pics everywhere...turns out she was trying to put together packages for everyone...I might help her do it, would be fun!
okokokok...GOTTA RUN....I have to eat sometime
edited to shrink pic
oh....several days of extreme hormones....and it looks like I finally have the dragon by the tail....seems they are settling down and I have no clue why, and I am certainly NOT asking questions (until it comes back)
and amazingly enough Mark has survived it, AND this after a day and a half of trying to pick a fight with me....I should be sainted for NOT killing him! but then Weds Mom and I finally went and dug up those bulbs (got a ton of violets, 3 colors, and daffodils)....this is after she gave me some of hers that were taking over....and I got iris (dwarf, yellow and purple) and I also got the lil pond in so I guess maybe you can call it dirt therapy :lol: hey, it works, who am I to complain?
that and I have been doing a lil gaming...ya know, killing things...that seems to help as well
but on a different note, I am NOT psychic...but, I get...hmmmm....feelings of impending doom? maybe that is why I was in a bit of a nasty mood...figured out what it was today...ok, confirmed it today...my DH's "honest" first son, who is 20, finally confirmed what I have been saying from day one...brutally...to make a long story short (and I think to paraphrase from somewhere else) Kenny is moving out on his own...he was living with his mother and her "roommate"...ok, her psychotic gf...and I do mean psycho...she needs more then medication and therapy, she shows definate signs of needing (forgive me, is 3 am and I can't sleep and can't remember the word)...committed?? she is one of those folks that will be a victim for the rest of her natural life cuz she doesn't want to let it go...she is a total man hater to the nth degree, and that includes her lover's son (my stepson)....
but I totally digress...so, to make a long story short, since we live out in the sticks (oh? I can show him a wheat farmer that is the sticks, we are still in city limits! but we won't go there...is more like he won't follow the rules, like clean up after yourself, CLEAN YOURSELF, be in bed at a decent hr, get up at a decent hr, help around the house, and the rules are the rules and not made to be broken or ignored) he WAS living with his mother...aka egg donor...another very long story...anyway, to make a long story short, he has been run out of dodge by psycho who thinks it is high time for him to be on his own....btw, he has a very part time job and is going to college...and he and his egg donor has allowed this...never mind his now roommate cannot hold down a job, never mind his now roommate also has some serious mental problems and is taking meds (or was/is supposed to be)...never mind this could really become a problem, he decided to move out on his own
ug...and egg donor has the balls to suggest maybe we help him out
NO...NOT going to happen...the brutality part comes in here....Kenny has out and out told DH that he was NOT moving, nothing new to report, and that was a week ago or less...DH has warned him not to and why...a very long laundry list why
and now DH has to let him make his own mistakes...is killing him and worrying me...I know EXACTLY what he is about to do...I did it at 19, and that was like 18 and 7 mos not almost 21, but still, he has NO clue what he is getting himself into, at least I did...ok, a whole lot bigger clue anyway...it worries me about his safety (another very very long story), his college and actually finishing it (which will be near impossible the way he is headed, he just hasn't realized that), and how finances will work out...in short, Mark and I are going to have to have a talk...cuz his son will end up with credit cards, and we will NOT be bailing him out...he is more than welcome to move back in...where I have no clue, but we will make it work, but as far as giving him $$ to do exactly what he said he WOULDN'T do on his Dad's specific request he NOT do it...no, not going to happen
and I see it causing a huge fight down the line with Mark and I (Mark is my DH, btw)...cuz he is gonna want to bail him out...if Kenny (SS) wants to be a man, he needs to deal with the consequences of doing so...is called life
so now I can't sleep...I know the road he is about to travel...it is rather bumpy...good lord, it isn't even paved...is a very primitive road down a very steep cliff face...now even tho it is not my son, I can see what my parents went thru...sort of...
and here are the consequences...we will no longer be paying for his college...we have been so far and he hasn't been very focused at all...we will no longer be providing clothing for him...we will not be paying for any of the following: books, accessories, electric (bill or deposit), water, garbage, internet, computer parts, rent or deposit, phone, food or facilitating a car...altho at this point his aunt might be getting him one, we wwill also not be paying for repair for said car...he is also currently taking the bus everywhere, a plus for him (I hate busses, never rode in them...they make me sick!)
these things Mark and I discussed...the college was his idea...not mine...in fact I almost had to sit down (seriously) when he said it first time as we had fought over it before...I have no problem with paying for college as long as Kenny applies himself, goes to class and gets descent/passing grades...is going to be quite an eye opener...the things we will help on are lil things left over from Mark and I joining 2 houses into one...we have some odds and ends he can have...mostly kitchen stuff and some towels and stuff, but we won't be running out and buying anything...at least that is what Mark has said so far...we will see how it goes from here
all this, no sleep, over a silly boy who thinks that he is a man...he hasn't realized this WILL make him one and how far from manhood he actually is...I worry about him...probably because I know what it will do to Mark
who IS sleeping... :roll: so is Brian...I should try to head back to bed...I am so tired, but as soon as I hit the bed, man I wake right up...too bad I can't plant in the dark...and I can't clean up either, I am no quiet cleaner so that is out as well...
on a different note, some good news...my beautiful son is growing like a lil weed! he can all but sit up on his own...he likes to stand up and look around and is getting better at that too...in fact he can rather effectively launch himself upright if you aren't paying attention...can be, well, painful when he hits the groin just right with his feet, or my chin...he is so alert, has learned to stick his tongue out too...which is more cute cuz he will stick his tongue out and then smile/laugh...ok, he makes his happy sound
Kenny was over last Thurs and he was trying to copy us making faces at him...and as soon as he stuck his tongue out, all 3 of us started to laugh and he totally had all our undivided attention...he picked that up real quick and does it at will now for anyone...esp G-ma and G-pa,..he still gets the same reaction so he keeps doing it...makes for fun kisses (YUCK)
and with Mom's connections I have got a ton of violets (one of my fav flowers, pretty care free and will spreak like wildfire), daffodils and iris for free...and I mean a ton...and we have been making real progress on the landscaping...and I have kidnapped Dad's digital camera so I hope to post some flower pics on the gardening board soon...the dirt therapy really has helped a bit...and oh my it looks wonderful! now if I can just keep the grass out of my flower beds...*sigh*
will give Brian things to look at...my lil horticulturist/farmer in training...he loves plants and being outside
he sure is his Mama's lil boy
and he dances on and on...as long as it isn't in my flowers, he can dance forever!
edited cuz it is almost 4 am and there were a couple places that needed editing
urg...it is almost 11...Brian is asleep and I was hoping to journal today
feeling pretty good, but also deflatedly tired...had a busy day today...so, to make my journal easy to find tomorrow, I should tag it while I have it, right?
*sigh* this Mom things is wonderful, but OMG it can so wear a person out
it would be better if I actually keep loosing wt, but it seems to be stopped
and with that, I am just about to head to bed....I need to get something to drink and get Brian to bed
back for more hopefully tomorrow (or soon)
HEY LOOKIE....two pages!! good Lord I am long winded!
wow...here it is a couple of days later then I had planned! man between the ever pressing need to kill the bad guys, planting and cleaning (yeah, like that has any place on the list) I forgot about my journal
I am trying desperately to remember what I was going to say!
think it had to do with all the "free" plants I got last week....more than one batch at that too! here almost 2 weeks ago, Mom and Cory (good friend) and some other ladies went way up to the sticks (I should have taken Kenny, he would have been impressed)...actually they import the sticks from the sticks they are so far out there...up on the hill...beautiful view too
but I digress...the girls went up to get a bunch of plants for the Lower Valley Pregnancy Center almost annual plant sale (meaning they don't always get it together for every year)...one of the orchardists' wife had thrown out some violets in the orchard and it took root, so she encouraged it....and daffodils...oh man it was gorgeous! so they had dug up a bunch of plants...and of course they had iris and a bunch of others...
and they said Mom and I could come back and get more...I had supplied the pots (I donated like 30 or more pots)...so I got lots of violets...one of my fav flowers anyway...and then Sat the 26th they had their sale...got some Thyme, Naked Ladies/Resurection Lilies, Peonys Lily of the Valley, Garlic Chives, Iris, and a bunch more...I paid for some...and then Mom stopped in when they were closing up and "helped" them dispose of a bunch...
so far I have all the violets in...about 5 or 6 grocery bag fulls...got the daffodils in...got a ton more to go and flower beds full of a creeping grass (not sure which one, it isn't crab for sure)...nothing like a lil dirt therapy...and Brian is deeply in love with my flowers...all that color and greenery...today I pulled a bunch of grass today, planted the last of the violets, some decorative grass, finished the rocks around the pond...and pulled a few weeds...not too long outside...Mark had Brian so he was happy...I am very tired, but feeling really good
and tomorrow Mark has another interview...this one is in Umatilla...quite drive from here, but a job is a job...he needs one bad...I need him to have one bad...we are still doing fine between the unemployment and the severance pay....actually we are doing more than fine, but, as much as I love that man, HE NEEDS TO GO BACK TO WORK
on a different note, I am still moody/hormonal to an extreme...I so have to fight my dragon...it wants out and I am usually spoiling for a good fight and have not been fighting nice...and that is with me trying my best to just shut up and let it go...I feel like the wolverine character...is like I bare my claws and shred as I go...is like killing a fly with a sledge
what the he!! is wrong with me?? I haven't had to do battle with my dragon like this since....years ago...been having some nasty dreams too...holocost type ones...and no one seems to care either...meaning in my dreams...am starting to think it is a stress thing...I am worried about Mark getting a job...as in us having to move...I am not ready to do that either...is like I need my dirt therapy (oh yeah, and tanning) just to stay sane...my beautiful lil boy is on my last nerve too...he is teething...oh goody...I have to be so careful...I am so tired and I know Mark is keene to something being wrong...he has started to hover as well...
and to top things off, I am also worried about a friend of mine...her ex b/f, the sperm donor of her son, keeps either beating her up or sending someone over to do it for him...she has so many problems, and I am not sure how much longer she can hold up...she also just lost her protecter...her large German Shepard...who used to try to eat said b/f on a regular basis...she is also on state assist...she does have it really rough and I am afraid of what she might do...she can't live with her son cuz ex has tried to kidnap him before...I guess the beatings started before she found out she was preg...she kicked his butt to the curb right before she found up...he beat her all during her preg...her son is now over a year...
I guess at least I don't have it that bad, but still, I worry about her...for the prayer warriors out there, please pray for her, she needs it way more then I do
ah yes, on to the Kenny saga...found out some of the conditions his egg donor had him living in...remember I said he was living in her basement? well, it is an unfinished basement...not so bad you say, right?...no heating other than a smokey woodstove...no cooling...no windows (illegal btw), no walls...ah yes, and here is the kicker...Kenny is about 5'10"....the ceiling is about 5'6" tall...sheesh...when he first moved in he was upstairs in the spare bedroom...but see, psycho needed somewhere to go to take a break...or work out...or sleep when she gets sick...or they needed the room when they had the extremely rare overnight visitor (when Kenny came to stay with us)...never mind they have other places they could have used, no...they have to put him in the basement...no wonder he badly wanted to move out...sheesh...makes me feel like...crap too...it isn't that bad here...whatever...
ah yes, and psycho g/f always has to have time to herself...have I mentioned this before? on a very regular basis...never mind she has the day to herself...never mind Kenny works on a regular basis and is in school during the day...never mind he and his egg donor go places often to give her "space...how much "space" does she need? and WHY does she need so much "space"...makes a body wonder what she is doing...she has proven before she has no problems with infidelity...man this really gets my blood boiling...I feel for Kenny...I can understand his wanting to get out on his own, I did it myself...but I also know the hard road he is about to travel and I don't wish that on anyone...
so anyway...here is hoping for a gentler, less stressful time...God please grant me peace with what I have, the ability to deal successfully with the obsticles in my way...and the ability to spell....and help me slay my dragon
or just slay it for me...please? and I can hear Brian and Mark...he is talkin to his Papa...poor baby...he sure is a good baby considering...may he dance on and on
and look G-ma....a red head! I miss you so much...
oh yeah, not a good note to be posting on in my journal...I had one all thought out about who I see when I look at my son
and then we changed formula a few nights ago...3?4? whatever all hell breaks loose...we were giving him the follow up formula and STUPID me doesn't read ALL the ingredients....as in fat content...as in it is reduced....
so after several nights of much less sleep and him suddenly not sleeping much thru the night at all, he just, oh I do'nt know, DOESN'T SLEEP...he is cranky...he is pissy...I am feeling violent...I want to hunt someone down at Carnation and HURT THEM....so at 1 f'ing thirty in the morning I run to the store after I feed him the last of the breast milk mixed with formula and rice to make it stick at least until I get home...I try my best to ignore everyone else around me less I say something incredibly....well, rude, nasty, uncalled for...I try not too push the speed limit too far so I don't get pulled over, I fend off the almost overwhelming urge to run the motorcycle off the road (his dims were as bright as his brights, now I can't hardly see as I am almost night blind and it gets by far worse when I am TIRED)....LIKE I SAID....VIOLENT...so the tally so far is in the last 5 hours Brian has finished off probably sucked down 20 oz or more and that is unheard of...usually in 5 hrs he gets maybe 12 but nothing is staying in his system!
oh yeah, and all this, my shot is due and Mom and I are supposed to have our day out...this should be fun...my psychic abilities are picking up an early out for Mom....I hope Mark is smart enough to get up next with Brian lest I launch him out of bed...he is in sleeping away (or should be) and I am trying to calm down enough to go to bed....sheesh
well, is 227 now...at least I have the potential of getting maybe 7 hrs of sleep....IF I can get to sleep...IF my allergy meds kick in soon...and, *sigh* if I get off the puter
at least my journal will be easier to find now...
well, I am also a member of Mobi on Yahoo...I sent off an email in explination and thanks for some information that has been invaluable in bringing the quality of my milk up...here is her email:
Measures to increase milk-fat:
Alfalfa supplements; green-drinks or capsules, green leafy vegetables.
Avoid ALL trans-fats and hydrogenized oil as in store-bought cookies, pastry, potato chips, french fries, most
packaged or fast foods, most margarine, salad oils and cooking oils. I would also avoid processed cheese.
Instead go heavy on butter, cold-pressed olive oil, sesame oil, walnut oil. And take both flaxseed oil supplements,
AND either a fish oil or DHA supplement.
Also - take milk thistle tincture before meals, or bitter herbs such as marjoram, basil, dandelion leaf, turmeric, to
increase the production of bile so that the fats are better digested.
here is my response:
thanks so much Hilary...I caught an earlier msg
with some of this info and already put some of it
into effect with some success...I cut all
margarine and replaced with butter and it made a
noticable difference pretty quick...I love baked
spuds and I put lots of butter (used to be
margarine) on them...I don't snack much and don't
eat much fast food (I weigh enough
already)...anyway, after a day or two my milk was
not near as clear...it was milkier...and Brian
starting drinking a little less overall (maybe by
an oz) but more than that, VOILA, curds in his
bowls!!! HADN'T SEEN THAT IN AGES!
that's good news...and I am extremely thankful
for the information...
now for the not so good news...I am having some
hormonal problems right now, and stressing out
quite a bit dispite my efforts to calm down...my
son refuses to nurse so I have been pumping
exclusively for a couple of weeks...last time I
tried to push the subject I was chewed on and
bruised pretty good...both nipples...my milk
doesn't let down very well now, but if/when it
did on occasion it would almost drown him...made
him pretty mad...is why I tried only nursing him
in the morning when he was "starving" and pumping
when he didn't nurse...that worked for a little
while, but no longer...about two weeks ago, all
of a sudden I went from succesfully pumping 4 or
so times a day and getting 4-5.5 oz left side and
2-3 oz right side and feeding Brian more than
half breast mild to getting a total of maybe 14
oz a day...and that is pumping for 20+ mins
(which gets uncomfortable to painful)...I tried
pumping a little more to no avail and am taking
Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle which was working
(I ran out about that same time and only went a
day w/o taking it) and am/was taking it twice a
and my milk production is not even close to
static...it is still dropping...I figure I have
maybe a month to "nurse"...the pump I use (a
Lactina) is not mine...it can get uncomfortable
at times and I have to be careful not to set it
too high on suction but certainly not too low as
it won't get my milk to let down...
I am tired of beating myself up with my attempts
to breastfeed...I am tired of feeling inadequate
and am trying to focus on a successful
breastfeeding experience with my next child...I
am doing everything I can to keep giving Brian
ANY breastmilk...I asked my dr about domperidone
(sp?)and he totally stonewalled me...according to
my now or soon to be former midwife all I had to
do is totally take him off formula and solids and
feed him every 15 minutes...I didn't fit in her
lil box...I guess I am one of the unlucky few
that don't...that makes me very very angry...I
finally got help here, but it was still too
late...my Grandmother had the same problem...
I am so ready to give up...I feel beat up...I
feel like I failed him...I don't feel like I have
that much support from my husband, altho he will
totally disagree...I feel frustrated in my
efforts to continue, and ashamed and inadequate
if I quit...so I am trying to keep what lil I
SO, I do thank you so very much...it means that
come next child, when my husband has a job and I
am not so stressed, I should be able to pull it
off...is what I am focusing on for now...I can
already see a difference in quality...is what I
am trying to focus on...I do appreciate everyone
here and the stories are generally very
soothing...I hope no one has the same problems I
I want this in my journal for so many reasons...if/when I get preg again I want to remember my frustration and my fix...I want to help anyone that might be watching my journal and in the same fix...
as for the hormonal problems, they aren't getting any better...I am still having problems with depression and rage...I mean a black/red kill something rage...my dragon is trying to get away...he is getting stronger...I don't feel like I can hang on to him on my own anymore...tomorrow if I am not too tired to remember, I am going to ask for help...I have no idea to ask...will talk to Mark first...then call my dr...at this point I am angry enough not to go to my midwife...I don't fit into her "just nurse him and everything will be fine" box...I am angry for so many reasons...I am not sure how much is hormones, but I do know I can't go on this way...ug...at least my anger doesn't extend to Brian, but it has to Mark...I am so frustrated and stressed out that he doesn't have a job....I am scared we will loose everything, altho we are light years from that, I am still worried...he has plenty of unemployment left, we have plenty in the bank and could make it months on that alone...I am so stressed out that I am dreaming some wierd psycho dreams...some are nightmares...some border on night terrors...I haven't had those in over a decade...I so don't need this...ug
so here is hoping next post will be back to my regularly scheduled routine...*sigh* stress...isn't it lovely?
well, here it is Tues and no I didn't call the Dr....what the he!! am I supposed to say "Hi I am Cindy and I am mentally deficient and what the he!! am I supposed to do now?" sheesh...or here's one "Hi this is Cindy and I want to talk to Kelsey about some meds cuz I am about to kill my husband"...I am full of them today...yeah, here comes the depression on top of the anger...figured it was on its way...ug
so, this am I wake up and go to feed Brian...for the last 2 or 3 days I get up and nurse him cuz...oh my...he WANTS too...but no, not this am...this am he wants Mom and dh figured he wants food...so I get up and he is getting Brian to eat sweet potatoes...not a chance he is going to want to nurse (which he DIDN'T)...WHAT THE BLEEP IS UP WITH THAT?!?!?!?! we have NEVER given Brian solids in the morning...so he jumps all over me like I am doing something wrong...I well, sorta....well...psychoed all over Mark...chased him out of the house...or rather inspired him to find something to do far out of ear shot of his wife...good for his heath and he knows it...so I finally get Brian, now not interested in nursing, calmed down (he hates the wash down after eating) and happy...let Mark do his outside thing for a couple of hrs...and then went outside to lay into him (as in now that you have done x you can come inside cuz I said so...nice, eh?) but I am so tired by now and worn down (still not sleeping so well) so I ate something and went to bed...didn't sleep well, but it WAS sleep
so I wake up in a still foul mood, just not as bad as before...got Brian to nurse a lil (very lil)...but he was in a pretty good mood so I play with him for a while...Mark made me a sandwich (he was offering mongolian but I didn't want to go anywhere unless I had a body to hide) and took Brian so I could eat it..."Oh yeah, they called and want their pump back too, before I forget"
oh really...several explitives come to mind...oh sh!t I thought she had forgotten who had it...or was hoping so...all the wind is out of my sail...my brain is spinning out of control...I am not ready to stop my bovine stage...I am not ready to give up...I thought I was but definately am NOT and I CANNOT talk myself out of it...so I calmly walk into the bedroom...lay down and bawl myself into oblivion...or try too...I can't figure out a way to fix this...pump rental is obscene around here, and the crappy one I have isn't for EP, just the occasional overproduction ease...I can't talk myself into sleep either...just an all consuming black deep depression...even playing with Brian didn't help much...I try to talk myself into at least ignoring it and pulling myself out of it...I usually can at least for the most part...I considered taking a really long drive as that has helped before but all of a sudden the thought of leaving Brian sounds so much worse...I want to be alone...but I can't handle it...oh my this is a new and nasty feeling...
so finally I told myself to do SOMETHING productive...I priced some pumps and asked my mobi group what they thought...hadn't thought of a rental thing and that does sound like a good idea...maybe I can talk myself into weaning in a month or two but with the way I am feeling right now he!! no...
so, a few hrs later as I came to grips with my "solution", I sat in front of the boob tube after my shower...is not hot in here but hey, even fat I like streaking...Brian likes it too...he was a bit fussy so I offered him the boob, which he was really pleased to take....and while he didn't empty my left side, he came pretty darn close...that is a first...and he was pretty pleased about it too...and nice about it...he did get a lil bottle, but that is normal...if I am only getting 4 oz max and he is eating 7-8 that is to be expected...
so now it is time to go to bed...I don't WANT to go to bed...I don't want to dream, and I don't want to have to deal with life tomorrow, but I am way too tired not too...I don't want to be touched and by now Mark is pretty aware of that...I am due to go out with Mom tomorrow, and while that sounds good, I don't really want company but I need it...like that makes any sense...we aren't due to do anything stupendous or anything...maybe she can talk some sense into me tho...
so, here I am feeling...well...like a failure...all this fighting to keep some milk from me for my son has drained me...I can't give up, but I can't keep going...this hormonal dance sucketh...for now it seems to be getting better...I am at least remembering to take my fenugreek and it does seem to be making a difference...I have found answers to my seemingly unique problems, but they seem too little too late...
as for the pump...it goes back tomorrow...Mark has graciously agreed to let me have the cowards way out and return it tomorrow...so tomorrow my midwife will know I will not be coming back...she was great while I was pregnant but that changed after the delivery...I will use a midwife next time, and I still highly recommend using one (even her)...but I don't have a loyalty anymore...if you don't have any problems she would be wonderful...but if you are a weirdo like me....wellllllllllllll....
as for the next one, things will be in writing...everything down to the nurses at wherever I deliver, be it at hospital or birthing center...and afterwards I go back to my reg dr and that is that...no feeling guilty and no sticking around....
so, now at just shy of 11 pm and seeing that I am not making much sense, I am going to try heading to bed...wish me luck and a deep dreamless sleep
I can sure use it