ok........HI KYM!! thanks :D it still isn't totally finished (we still need to put trim back up *SIGH*) but I still am in love!! I do need to swipe Dad's digi camera and get a pic. want a pic of Spook too.
so, Spook.........3 or 4 (?) weeks ago, Tut (the mighty panther) traps a little white kitty in the garage. ok, he wasn't that little, but........about 4 months old. scared to death, but so skinny. basically starving. so I close down the garage after I chased Tut out. went to talk to a neighbor (who I know would have info if it were to be had) and turns out she had a sweet heart trap. turns out Spook's Mom was one of the now feral cats left behind when a neighbor passed away. according to Megan he was one of 3 or more that were sighted. seems one starved to death and the other two just disappeared. not good. that was about noonish. put food and water in it. he finally came out about 10:30 that night. he was so terrified. I wasn't sure exactly what to do. so I started calling around. no one knew anything. I went back to to 'visit' again, neighbor Cari came over to see him, and we found he wasn't quite as feral as we had thought. so I brought him in the house, found there is a feral cat program and for an extremely reasonable price we got him fixed. he got his first rabies shot, etc, was fixed and one ear tipped. so......we set out to see if we can tame him down a bit cuz we had to wait about a week to get him fixed. it all worked out, he is a house cat. we went ahead and had his ear tipped so if he does ever get out and run......well.......ok. he is all white by the way. except one lil grey smudge on his forehead. at first it looked like he had oil or something on it, but honestly......it doesn't come off :rofl:
so anyhow. we did figure out the next project. ok, one to start with :roll: we are in the process of putting sprinklers in the pasture. will be interesting I am sure.
we did go on a date today. it was nice to get out. we weren't sure what to do, and we ended up going for a short drive, then looking at travel trailers. sounds like FUN! hey, at least we ruled out tent trailers! Mark WAS going to 'camp' out in the yard with the boys to see how tent camping would work, but so far he hasn't gone and dug out the tent >:)
I said I would pass.....
oh yeah, and the barn. Dad is taking part of his barn down and we are going to 'inherit' it. nice! gotta to take it down. been working on some jewelry off and on. made some pretty things. however, am starting to think I need to get out of it. can't make it pay for itse'f, and am overspending. is what I am supposed to do, RIGHT? arg.
been having one melt down after another. I actually bellered at the boys the other day. couldn't touch them lest I actually 'lay hands' on them. I was out of control, it wasn't pretty. seem everything is getting on my nerves lately. got a good idea what is causing it. yup, finances. never did handle that well. oh fun. that day just started out really bad and went downhill fast. was on my way to the folk's place, kept trying to call them. NO answer, so I call Mom's walking buddy. she DID answer the phone, turns out Mom was with her. oh joy. but they were no where near the house (in town) and Mom was being stupid. yeah, I said it. not ditzy, not dingy, not anything SHORT of STUPID. she couldn't figure out why I was so mad. yeah, try explaining to a 2 and 4.5 yr old that G-ma forgot about them. NOT. we had talked about it REPEATEDLY, even TWICE the day before. to say I am still pissed is like saying.......a tornado is slightly windy. or a hurricane. not talking to her more then I need too. don't want to see what stupid stunt she will pull next. oh joy
however, there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. we ARE getting there. things are calming down now that the tile is in. Mark is outside working on trimming out the last of the windows. we have a trench shaped hole (about 4 ft or so) to get ready for the inground sprinks. so, maybe tonight or tomorrow. not sure. but.......we are getting there. we still have funds left from the equity loan and have been using that. Mark and I both have a good amount of dental work that needs doing, but.......nothing that is undoable. I did get my hair permed today. at least that hasn't spiked out of my price range. and it WASN'T done at home! we still eat like Kings (and a Queen) so can't complain there either. still fat. still don't like it. still not doing enought fo 'fix' it either. is better then it was, but..................................
one of the things we did get yesterday (went to Lowes) was a new Black and Decker tool collection thing. great price. got a new drill (ours DIED). and pipes. is nice, and I have decided it is MINE. call me Stingy. Mark knows about it :rofl:
so anyway. going to try to get on Jazzy tonight for a lil R&R. might grab the boys and head out to look at travel trailers tomorrow again. who knows. not worried about it right now :D
oh yeah. made another ring. it is gorgeous but doesn't wear that well. BUMMER, but I know how to fix that part esp in the next one I make! so at least I haven't totally given up on that
at least not yet
oh yeah. looks like I will be needing glasses SOON. and I have a birthday coming up. getting old SUCKETH
ok, I had an extremely bad day the other day. and I came in to journal and found my other one locked. I am happy to see it is still here! ok, so........I will post it here. be forewarned tho, it isn't a happy one
so, I have been meaning to journal while I had something worthwile to say. then my day went totally to hell in the matter of a few seconds. and then I can't journal cuz it's locked. gotta love the changeover!
not that any one person did any one thing. more like......I was slapped in the face with reality. my parents have NO communications. none. Dad has absolutely no idea what Mom likes/wants etc, and dictates what he THINKS she will like. never mind Mom has an entirely different story. depends on where Dad is when you ask her. she wants one thing when he isn't around, and what he has dictated when he is. so, when I ask for Dad's help, I get slapped in the face with how much my marriage resembles theirs. as in, mine is just as f!cked up as theirs. no communication. no 'need' to fix it. I know Mark just thinks I am blowing smoke up his a$$ cuz he thinks I am having a bad day. day. hell, try year! ok, maybe just summer. no wait, count spring in there too. the goods aren't too bad, some of them are pretty fantastic. but the lows are pretty constant and making my depression worth looking into medication again. altho I won't push it because I remember all too well what the last round did. and I ABHORE taking pills. right now I just want to drink myself into oblivion. not good with 2 boys. and last time I had a drink it didn't help. time before that, got drunk. that didn't help either. at least I didn't have to deal with a hangover.
so. basically I consider my marriage a borderline failure. I do NOT want to grow old and be just like my parents. is why Mark have huge divorce inspiring fights. I don't know how to live w/o him. I couldn't do it with the 2 kids. and I do love him. I don't want to leave him, but dammit I am not some kid to pat on the head and ignore. or be told 'you never said that'. I am his equal dammit and he KNOWS that. and will profess it now and then. I dont' even want to stay at home anymore. I can't leave the kids, but I NEED to work. so I do bulk bead buys. that causes it's own chaos. so I mutiny and fart around on the puter. either surfing or gaming. that doesn't go over well either. I find myself loosing my temper all the time and yelling at the boys. I have no patience.
ah yes. and our aniv is Sunday. happy 7 'blissful' years. what a crock of sh!t
oh dear God, I am so [p;lastered. seriously. hte room is spinning. he left with my boyus like an hr ago. I talked toMerrick for a bit and got more wasted. I am amazed OI can still type at all. everything ios spinnging. after like more then 1/2 a bottle it still matters. damn ruplemintz isnt working. I still hurt. boys can't see me lik ethiat. is so bad. won'tbe able to look at Merrick for ages. can't type either. I hurt so bad. no aniv. I might have alcohol poison. can't heardly see. I can't live like this.
room is spinnimg. . at least I don't have the boys right now, I couldn't deal.
I hear the back door opening. this should be interesting. seriously. I need some help of some sort.
still figuring this thing out. hmmmm.....not sure I like it, but betting I like it more as I get used to it!
so. several days have passed since my over 1/2 a bottle of rumplemintz. a week almost. I haven't had a drop since, and not likely to have more for awhile. not even interested in alcohol period. it got so bad, I ended up in a puddle against the bathroom wall heaving my guts out. hey, at least I didn't leave myself a mess to clean up. OMG I hate puking tho. not good. scared Mark half to death. I was that wasted.
and puddle is an accurate descrip for Saturday. I started talking. ok, railing. I was mad and hurt. the thing that started it all was my being totally overwhelmed by......well everything. last few weeks have been BAD. not fighting with Mark necessarily, just....life. everything. and I had originally said I would plan an overnight get away for our aniv Sunday, but then got overwhelmed by the buy I had going. so I told him nope, it was up to him. what I SAW was him procrastinating and not doing it. I still believe he had plenty of opportunity to do it HERE or at work. anyway. long story short, by Sat am we still didn't have a room. I said fine we will cancel the whole d@mN thing. he said no, and then figured I needed some time alone. packed the boys up to go for a drive he said. I said no, it was nap time. he packed up the boys anyway and took them to a park. peeled out in the driveway. honestly what I saw was divorce impending and this is what it was going to be. me watching everything that matters leaving me. I freaked. bawling my brains out, I grabbed the nearly full bottle of Rumblemintz on the way by and a cup. curled up into a ball on the bed, turned the tv on and had 3 shots in a row. ok, more like 4 or 5 cuz they were rather hefty shots. am starting to feel the insane urge to run away. far far away. already way too far gone to drive. tried calling a girlfriend. she owes me, but she wasn't home. I was getting frantic to run. another 2 shots. IM'd a friend. no answer. I considered calling a cab but HOLY SH!T those are spendy!! so........I will NOT get in the truck. I can hardly think straight. I see I couldn't type either, and I remember correcting all sorts of stuff as I went. another shot. the phone rings. it was my IM buddy. I am alternating between giggling and sobbing. betting it was........rather interesting to try to decipher. she said I didn't sound TOO bad. then I did another hard swing and I think she reconsidered. last shot is starting to destroy what is left of control. I commented I was too sober, need another shot and started giggling. took another 2 or so
it dawned on me if I left in that condition I would regret it. ok, I regreted not leaving cuz altho the boys likely had NO clue what was going on, that isn't something I want them to see. after awhile on the phone, M asked if I wanted her to come get me and I said I shuoldn't unless I was REALLY ready to get a divorce. she said that was a very smart idea and reiterated tht I not get in the truck. not a chance. seriously
so I got off the phone and Mark came home a bit later. I had had a few more shots. they weren't setting well, it was about 1:30 or later. NO lunch. as he and the boys came in I growled at him to get the boys in bed, I was on the puter. I waited until I heard quiet in the back room, holding off the impending throne worship. they were tired. I managed to make it into the master bath. puddled in front of the throne. started heaving. Mark came in shortly after the first heave. I told him to get out. he said no he was too worried. I started railing at him, but not yelling, I wasn't going to risk waking the boys. I should ask him, I didn't think I was yelling. I remember yelling hurt. I was starting to really worry. I felt REALLY bad, not just from the puking. but he wouldn't leave. I told him lots of stuff, most of which I don't much remember other then how pissed off I was he had taken the boys. he brought me saltines. wanted to call the nurse help line thing for our ins, I said NO. ended up telling him my biggest fear was what I saw today. that he WAS too old, that he was going to leave me (ok, die) and the boys were going to grow up and leave too and once again I would be alone. again. I hate being alone.
I hadn't ever thought about it that way. Mark was shocked. he hadn't either. I was shocked. he held me for awhile and I wasn't going to let him at first but DANG the brain was on and engaged then. so much for alcohol. we talked a little. hey, I was SMASHED. J called back worried (she knows it is exceedingly rare I get drunk). Mark talked to her for a second, to me for a second. I started sobering up but sobered up hung over (badly). started downing tums, water, tea and after a long while a bunch of advil. by Sat eve Mark made the reservations. we did go to Spokane for our Aniv. walked on eggshells for a bit, but had a nice time. but Sun I wasn't hung over. we took it easy.
but, I am still scared. it is a little easier now that I put an actual 'label' on it. the one huge stresser was the special order buy from back in May that is now completed. yes, just now. turns out finances also play a huge part, I still dont handle that well at all.
and we are slowly starting to get things done. I am tired of having such a HUGE "To Do" list. so is Mark. it grows almost daily. stressful.
BUT, to finish one buy, I just did another. it ended about an hour ago and has gone exceedingly smoothly. I figured out a few days ago WHY I do it. I miss working. badly. so this is my way of being 'an adult'. if that makes sense. I like the challenge.
oh hey, speaking of challenge. made a few rings. I usually don't like 'home-made' rings much, but HOLY COW I love these! they are in my bucket! going to give a class on them, and am REALLY looking forward to seeing if I get any students!
my to do list is several miles long. it is overwhelming and DEPRESSING. but, one good thing. sprinks are going in. in fact today during naptime I dig my first trench. fired up the one line yesterday to figure out how things were goign to work. they work GREAT. looks like we can run 2 lines at a time too ;) would love to go get started on it with the boys this morning, BUT, so far that has done nothing but get them into huge trouble, esp before naptime. they bawl and throw tantrums when it's time for lunch. seriously sounds like they are half beaten when I make the announcement it's time to go inside. ARG!! Brian is still takign naps. I wouldn't mind entirely if he quit cuz that means he will sleep at night, but.....he will put himself down for a nap on the couch at odd eve hrs if I let him go w/o. so not going to happen now
oh yeah. we are going to go look at a house tonight. I seriously doubt it is something we are going to touch. it is beyond what we want to afford, but.....is a huge house. and it IS a house, not a manufactured home or mobile home. AND it has more acres then we have. not far from here. BUT!!! it is also likely going to need some work. am worried about the well as houses it's age usually does have water issues. but hey. at least I am not working on the list, right? ACK. at least I am making progress, right?
maybe I will brave the tantrums and go outside. really need to mow parts of the lawn anyway. AND there are plenty of things to do. inside and out. I need to just pick one and try to make my list SHORTER!!!
OH YEAH. Alex is getting his molars too. is likely a huge reason there is just about non-stop fighting. add to that I KNOW Brian has had a growth spurt, and Alex is either having one or just had one. both are shooting out of their shoes. and jams. good thing I get seasonal clothing too big. or I would be spending obscene amounts trying to keep ahead of who is growing out of what!
arg. more drama regarding a buy. I have part of it fixed, but my trustee advisors are busy. I don't remember telling them they could have a life?!?!?!?! :lol:
who knew beading and online buying 'bulk' groups could make like soooooooo interesting!
but, on the other hand......I find the huge group I left is having their fair share of drama. that is has got worse since I left. dodged a huge bullet there. the owner is stabbing her mods and members in the back left and right. I am starting to think that since she thinks she has so many members it doesn't matter who she pisses off. guess I got out while the getting was still good :D
cleaning house is no fun. we have company coming over tomorrow. since I have been out on the trencher/in the pasture for most of the last week or two, the house has become a PIT! EW
but, it is mostly unpitted now. so back outside to glue some more pipe. oh joy. Jazzy is in the 'new' pasture with the working sprinks. and she was REALLY happy to be over there :lol: ok, she is over next to her buddies too, that certainly helps ;)
now if I could JUST get the boys to settle down and stop fighting. they stopped long enough to take a nap today. nice.
ah yes. my parents are coming back from KS now too. my Dad's 2 remaining sisters and brother weren't doing well at all. his sil passed away just as they were leaving, and Aunt Nita is not likely going to go home from the hospital. Conjestive Heart Failure. Aunt Vern has lung cancer. they removed 1/3 of her lung, but also couldn't get all of it (is in her lymph nodes too). her heart won't take it. Aunt Vern and Aunt Lorna (the one that passed away) are poster kids for why you should never smoke. it is sad. and there was NO way I could go say good bye. I haven't been dealing with it well at all. Mark tried to make it possible, but with 2 sm boys and at least 3 days travel, there is NO way I can do it alone. and air travel is too expensive on short notice. :( I hate it when Mom calls. I expect the worse. I have wanted to go back to visit since we last went as a family when I was 17. 20 yrs. wow, I am getting OLD.
oh joy. Clinton wants another hack at health care. didn't she royally f#ck it up enough LAST time?!?!?! yeah. require the poor to pay for health care. we can't hardly afford to pay for our and Mark makes good money. what a crock of sh!t.
and more 'good' news. :cry: I was on the trencher doing my daily 'Mom alone' time. it started bogging down. I have been SO careful with the archaic thing, but it was REALLY acting up. I finally gave up trying to 'wiggle' what I thougth was a rock out. turned it off, got off. that's when I saw the bearing. on the ground. metal shavings all over the inside of the trench. yup. the bearing on the sprocket disintegrated. BAD BAD BAD. about $75 later, I have a part in transit from Portland, due here tomorrow. d@mn, I REALLY REALLY wanted to have the digging portion for the pasture DONE today! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!
Mom is coming over tomorrow. if the UPS guy gets here in the am, will be working on it while she is here. if not.......oh joy. she said Dad would be on call. not something I really wanted to hear. but I really don't want to fix the d@mn thing either. at least it isn't my car, I am not helplessly in debt and unable to fix it, RIGHT?
today is Monday
I still REALLY hate Mondays!