well, I didn't sell Kitty. in fact, Dan is teaching me how to break her and it is going very well. she has decided she is my bestest buddy. and I have several sweat shirts and jackets with horse snot all over them to attest to it! she loves to rub her head on me when I scritch her. the gal that was 'interested' had a story to tell and wanted to trade or give me less. um........NO. I am just about to get the papers for Jazzy all straightened out and I am 95% sure both girls have been in heat. so, in 3 weeks if I have the paperwork figured out I am going to breed Jazzy!
and this weekend I am going to Portland for the bead expo!!! ALONE!!! ok, sorta alone, I am meeting 2 friends there (share a room) and we are goign to meet one for dinner :) Mom will take the boys for one night and Mark is on his own for Sat night. no Ams games this weekend, as they swept Kamloops so he should be just fine on his own! now, if I don't break down w/o the boys before Sun I should be good to go :D
and the boys are watching Open Season. Shaw reminds me of my ex asshole boyfriend that lives in MT. think if I refer to him from now on, I'll call him Shaw. d@mn the similarities are awfully close! :rofl: he has about the same intelligence :lol:
Indio is here!
wow, lots of changes around here! lots going on here as well!
INDY IS HERE!!! and he REALLY likes Jazzy too :rofl: I am assuming he will like Kitty shortly! dang he is one beautiful animal!
and things here in the house are insane as usual. we still have hockey going on (amazingly enough!), and the boys are eating it up. it will be a long summer before it starts up again for my boys.
and we go on vacation soon too :D in preparation, we have the garden in, been working on getting everything planted that I ordered. Mark got the outside painted and we are still working on the fence. Jess has been warned about the neighbors, so there won't be any surprises there. oh yeah, the kitchen is all but done, we have a few odds and ends left to go and that is IT! I have been creating some more jewelry, and found my missing starfish as well. will be taking a bunch with me in the hopes of finding a shop there on the beach.
and I guess Mark and I are doing better. as usual, nothing ever reaches resolution. but at least we aren't trying to kill one another. the boys on the other hand, are trying to kill one another. and they are tempting me to anger on a min to min basis. I am about at my wits end because Brian is just about totally out of hand. no matter how creative we get with punishment, nothing seems to work. Alex's fav word is no, and his fav phrase is 'me get it'. egads.
well, turns out Senny and Tim were right. I shouldn't have kids. I honestly don't know what to do with Brian. he is entirely out of control and today I wanted to hurt him. I spanked him and in my head I am seeing myself HURTING him and it scared the sh!t out of me. no, I didn't hurt him, yes I did spank him. he has been stripped of everything I could identify is ONLY his on his bed and put him on it. w/o going into detail, it wasn't one thing, it was EVERYTHING since this morning. he was calming down when Dad said he could vacuum, but we discover that while on vacation Tut had been spraying it down. nice, eh? explains the yak worthy smell last few times we vacuumed right? it's a cycle: the boys harrass, chase, poke, kick, hit, etc Tut, who gets mad cuz he can't go outside (happened already this morning btw) and then he sprays something, like the vacuum (not this morning, he is already outside). well, he was entirely confined into the house while we were on vacation and found out from Jess that he was even spraying around where the food bowls were. oh nice. anyway, the cycle starts all over cuz Brian gets mad cuz he can't vacuum, and he goes and takes it out on the cats (or our stuff, or his brother, or or or). so he ruins come of the Uno cards, has my beads in his mouth (WTF is up with THAT?!?!?!) BOTH of which are items in rooms he is NOT supposed to be in w/o us BECAUSE there are items in there he isn't supposed to touch (adjust etc). as in, it is DANGEROUS. he won't listen to ANYTHING we tell him, NONE of the punishments are working. I am starting to think maybe we should look into finding him somewhere he can go where he WILL listen. honestly, I can't deal with this. I am finding it harder and harder not to totally loose my temper. I grew up with no one listening to me, Mark doesn't see a need to listen to me, and my Dad is still treating me like I am some lil sh!t not worth listening too. so WHY ON EARTH would my SON listen to me??? I can't deal with this, and I don't know how to get his attention. and I am fast loosing my desire to WANT to try!
*sigh* this is sizing up to be one of those 'quite a yr' things. we had a WONDERFUL vacation in Seaside for a week. while gone, Mom and Dad went to AK to help out sis and bil. I was 'nominated' to collect rent and all he!! broke loose from there. short version is things at the rental got SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO interesting. 4 weeks later, will be interesting to see if/how Dad deals with it. no-one from here will be going down there until it is resolved. in short; drugs are likely involved (meth suspected), domestic violence charges were made (arrest made), there is supposedly a restraining order (snort, that'll work only as long as the participants enforce it!), there was a weapon hidden in a garage (and a felon who 'doesn't have a gun', in spouse's name).....did I mention it was interesting?? I refuse to go back to my parents house until the mess is cleaned up. and my boys CERTAINLY won't be returning as it is not safe! it'll make for an interesting happening when they get here today for a visit. we haven't seen them in 5 weeks, and I know both boys are itching to go visit *SIGH*. really, some days, I just.........hate being the 'mean evil Mama'.
had a talk with Mark last night too. have been having issues with lots of things lately. I feel like I am like second best everything. I know he was shocked. I am so tired of everything I seem to take on doesn't do well or starts to cost an obscene amount of $ with no end in sight, and no success in the future. nice. I hate this yr. I feel old. I am terribly fat, and I have little to no will power to fix feeling either. nice. I should go back to bed.................
well, Monday I made a decision. Mark and I are going at it tooth and nail, I mean really going at it. and he mentioned that he is having to take care of Sockie. yeah, I know, so am I. he is yowling all the time. his arthritis is getting SO bad, and he is just not himself anymore. but I didn't realize Mark was trying to take care of him too. just another sign of what I should do. I do NOT want to make this decision. I am trying to back peddle out of it like mad, but the fact remains, Sockie, an 18 yr old cat, is having some real issues. the yowling is likely one of pain/discomfort. he is my original 'saved' cat. he was dumped, I picked him up and rescued him. at least part siamese,. he can really yodel when he wants too. it sounds to me like he is trying to call in a predator. it haunts me. he does it often now, including in the middle of the night. Monday, I called the vet that fixed him. I made the apt for tomorrow, Weds. I made arrangements with my folks because I don't think I can drive (or see to drive), and I dont want to have to take the boys with. my heart is breaking, but..........
I tried to love on him last night. several months ago he became somewhat anti-social. it has become worse. he tolerated it for a bit, and then wanted to be left alone. he is like a crotchety old man. it really is time, but I really dont wanna do it. I keep praying that the decision will be taken from me, but........I know it is my responsibility. he is my cat, and he is talking to me. will be a rough night, and a rougher day. I am entirely not looking forward to it. I will lay him to rest out by his bestest buddy Stash.
well, I couldn't do it. seriously, I took him to the vet, and she took a look at him. gave me some arthritis meds, and it has got somewhat better. he wants love now, and will sit in my lap and melt all over me like he used too. seems he has a fluid filled mass in his tummy, he was not fat at all. but, on the other hand, it doesn't bother him at all. he may have had it for most of his life, who knows. man he sure did a Don Juan with the vet too. she said no reason if we can get the arthritis under control.
now, on to the horses. ya know, cuz I have absolutely nothing better to do, RIGHT? well, I haven't worked with Kitty like I should be. she is getting down right b!tchy. she premeditates out and out assaults on Jazzy now. cornered her the other night and tried to kick the sh!t out of her. have a dented barn where Jazzy hit it trying to get away from her. they had been together less then 24 hrs, and BOTH of them had begged for it. it will be awhile before I cave on that again!
and I got to thinking about it. maybe she is just really bored! it might be. she had problems with her hoof. caused lots of headache tonight, ended up on the phone with the vet, an old friend and a new one (also on one of my beading boards :D ) seems that altho I felt pretty worthless ignorant, I did right. I do remember all my animal dr'ing and altho I still feel guilty, at least she is fine overall. Mark and I had been talking about getting rid of her, not sure how we can do that, but honestly...........after some of her stunts, we aren't sure. will see, I need to get back to working with her. would be even better if I HAD TIME!! but that is a different story. at least Mark and I haven't killed each other. and he held her while I dr'd Kitty too, even tho she scares him. we will fix that someday. the boy just needs a healthy set of cahones.
a few more days, another big fight.....what else is new, right? gotta love being married. yeah. that's what it is, love. what's that song? love hurts? I am tired of it. I don't even like him anymore. got so mad at him yesterday I told him that. that wasn't good. at all.
but anyway. before that, I took Brian school shopping. clothes and supplies, and he is totally itching to get going to school. he has a 30 min 'test' thing on Weds I take him too, and honestly I am trying my best to keep him occupied. he is back on the floor. he CHEWED his bed rails (top bunk). Mark wanted to kill him too, that was a few days ago. nice, it hasn't got that much better either. it is a LITTLE better as long as I make an effort to keep him busy. not easy when I can't sleep at night and am trying almost desperately trying too in the morning. everyone has a suggestion. so far, NONE of them work.
so anyway, I digressed. we were out shopping. I was encouraging Brian to pick stuff out he likes, which I THINK he enjoyed for the most part. he did get lots of input into what I chose for shirts, and he got to pick out his backpack. it is green and has a frog on it :D is his fav color, and he likes frogs. he said so, and chose it over several others, including a Lightning McQueen one and a camo one. that kid has good taste :lol:
anyway, at one point, I am trying to avoid running anyone over, and just about barrel over this woman trying to avoid another. our attention was elsewhere. seriously, I felt the heat before I saw the venom. I know who she is, she grew up across the street from us, is likely 5-10 yrs older then I am (I honestly don't remember). her husband gave me my first 'real' job at the mosquito patrol cuz he was impressed when I worked my a$$ off for his fil on the tractor. I liked Steve, he was a nice guy. period. he was 'old' to me as a 17/18 yr old, and sides, he was MARRIED. he would have been probably 10+ yrs my senior as well, and honestly I was not at all interested. did I mention HE WAS MARRIED?!?!?!?!?! I never did that. ever. I never even contemplated it! after skeeter season was over, he and Brenda (? I think?) bought a house, and he hired me for some grunt work. trust me, there was lots of grunt work to be done, it was hard, dirty, and he needed help. we built a retaining wall out of railroad ties. there was lots of demo work to do. yeah, that's real condusive to being amorous, isn't it? I can barely move when we are done, but yup! in case you haven't guessed it, she was convinced I was boinkin her hubby. so I have a serious question. WHY??!?!?! I mean, he was nice and all, but WHY??!!!!??!!?! I STILL don't see it. it wasn't the only time I was accused. I still don't see it, and by then I had a b/f. I was serious about the b/f. ok, b/f wasn't, but.......I just don't see the point. I didn't then, and I seriously don't now. whatever. they have a VERY beautiful daughter, she was there with Mom. at least I assume she is Steve's. who knows, maybe she feels guilty?
and one more note, I did go riding yesterday on Jazz. really felt good to take a break from 'work'. have a show coming up in Ocean Shores, and am really looking forward to getting out as well. will be seeing Becci again too, we are splitting a booth and a room and our motto is 'who cares, we are AT the beach!"
but having said that, I NEED to make some $. I have another show the following week locally at the Elks thing. I have lots of new stuff, and have been busy trying a few new things as well. I took the 'new' sheen off my chasing hammer, that was VERY helpful yesterday! made an arm torque, but need the bracelet mandrel to polish it off. it's supposed to be on it's way. will see if I is or not.
and with that, it is all but 1 am again. ug, I can't sleep. and I have very little desire to sleep WITH anyone anymore either. one good thing about doing a show that far away, I DO get to sleep ALONE! no snoring. no sheet pulling. no pia to deal with. not too much longer! I should check weather and see how far updated it is!!
egads, so much has happened since the last post!
Ocean Shores went fairly well. we were both pleased, we both had a BLAST, and we signed up for next year :D
the Elks thing wasn't a bust, but it wasn't a boon either. that one I won't do again.
and I did sign back up for the CCC Bazaar that I have done for the last 3 yrs. will be interesting to see how it goes, they are way down on vender numbers. I can hope it is a good sign I guess. it appears I have officially 'weathered' the first 'washing out'. will see! not going to stress on it because, altho Becci and I are NOT doing VCC this yr, we ARE doing Portland! WOOHOO! am looking forward to getting away. again.
alas, I am also 'officially' not pregnant. yeah yeah, not likely to happen anyway with the vas and all, but........in a way I am relieved, in a way I am sad. I don't have babies anymore, I have boys. they were so cute today. Brian was 'officer awesome' (what a ridiculous name!) and Alex was 'major trouble'. hey, you gotta be thrilled with any costume that didn't require face paint! they have plenty of suger now too, and we didn't truely go trick or treating. oh nice, they were a huge handful at the game tonight cuz they were all sugered up! YIKES
anyway. I have tried to post a couple of times, but either the puter was screwed up or the connection or..........the gnomes got it. who knows. they weren't nice. Mark and I have done some extremely serious damage to our relationship. I still hold him at arm's length, I still take his head off when he starts getting all 'manly' on me. he is slowly learning. he has been a bit shell shocked and is tired of it. at last, he is learning to at least shut up quicker. we still resolve nothing. I don't ever see that changing. I do see it eventually ending our marriage. I still feel worthless, even tho in one breath he says I am not, and in a different one he declares I shouldn't get a job cuz we can't afford it (as in I am not worth enough to pay for daycare and any 'expenses' I might incur going back to work). nice. everyone seems to need to tell me I am not. yeah. that helps so much. and I am fully aware that I can't leave Alex. I mean literally, it makes me physically ill, anxiety, can't sleep, etc etc etc at even contemplating going back to work and looking at jobs that it isn't even an issue. in large part cuz he is still entirely attached to having Mama home. he doesn't do well when I go on the road, altho when I was in Ocean Shores, it was Brian begging me to come home first. partly cuz Brian was on the phone first, but.........I was so angry, and so tired of being everyone's emotional punching bag, and so physically tired, it wasn't as bad. I still felt terribly guilty at having left them at home, and there was ABSOLUTELY no way they could come with, but it was just temp so it didn't bother me too much. the boys were so entirely thrilled to have Mama home too. Mark and I had a few not as nice words on the phone while I was driving home, but I tried not to overdo it. never mind I don't feel comfortable driving like a bat out of he!! in W side traffic at night while crying. still made good time tho, was home midnightish? I think.
but I digress. have been fixated on hating this house again. on how many lengths we have gone thru NOT to move. it dawned on me tonight, I miss having MY stuff. like, MY house, that I pay for, with MY work, that I decorate to MY likes. to have MY cats around me, to pay for MY bills, to sleep in MY bed, on MY side, with it nice and cold like I like it, w/o anyone to b!tch at me about it. but, alas, none of MY stuff is here anymore, except Tut. we had to put Sockie down. I finally did it, and I don't think I could ever do that again. I couldn't sleep for 2 nights. I still cry about it at the drop of a hat and it's been over a week. I did tell Senny (my ex, he loved that cat, I always thought it was weird, but it worked). I have a picture of the two somewhere, but not sure where it is. I need to find it. scan. send. ug. we might be adopting another cat; young, no kittens. will see. they don't like kids under 5 but, Alex IS usually pretty good with animals. it's Brian you gotta watch. *sigh*
instead, back to the afore mentioned complaining; I am stuck here in HIS house. in HIS bathroom, HIS bedroom, HIS bed, with HIS stuff, in a WARM bedroom (hot flash anyone?) and Max and Spook are pretty much HIS cats. the dogs he can have. they are driving me absolutely nuts. I don't mind dogs, but I am certainly not a dog person. and the boys........well, everyone knows that eventually they will prefer Dad anyway. it's a penis thing I am sure. and to top it all off, he got old. really quick. his health is showing it. he is getting crotchety in some ways, and I don't handle that well. and OMG I am FAT. yeah, that helps too. no mirrors in my path if I can help it. and I used to be vain. well, not anymore. YUCK
so, alas. I am working on NOT being suicidal. I am terrified of the side effects of the one antidepressant I did take once and won't even contemplate trying another. there are others I could TRY but honestly, I don't deal with night terrors and that is that. I am still not sleeping well. in fact, it is darn near 2 am and I don't WANT to go to bed. I hurt more days then I don't, I know it is likely contributable to my wt, yet I don't do anything about it.
this is getting more and more depressing. maybe I should quit while I am behind and just go to bed. we did more or less call a truce. it isn't like we 'made up' because to me that implies we 'fixed' an issue. heaven forbid that happen. instead, it has been suggested I go to counceling. yup, I am the one broken, it isn't him. he is perfect, I am sure. well, shot that down with a guillotine precision that had him reeling. his birthday was today. on his cake, I put 5 candles, and in blue sugar, I put old. it was mean. I felt a little better. cake wasn't bad either. live and learn, at least I can still take a good pot shot now and then.
geez. when did I get to be such a needless b!tch.
I never come here anymore. generally I am just....well, insanely busy. lots has happened tho. Kitty almost left again. she took after Jazzy and got her in the front leg. totally freaked me out too, and I might have a home for her, but...........will see how that works later on. I am not entirely sure I want to persue it anyway because I got good and attached to her. on an up note tho...........Jazzy is OBVIOUSLY pregnant. I go out almost daily and talk to 'baby in der' and call him a him. no idea if that's what she has, but........who cares. she is getting to the tolerate point with me and my giggling and baby talk. at first she sorta liked the attention, now......well.....she is due in April and I imagine she is getting tired of it :D
so anyway. Brian is in school. his first conference wasn't too good....ok, the meeting was but turns out he is just about as bad at school as he is at home. he is a crybaby, and it worries me that he will get picked on (or beat up) when he gets a little older. my brother was that way, and my sister and I (both older) got into lots of fights protecting him. that is, until we figured out he was picking most of the fights anyway. that would be Brian. oh joy. no big sister to kick butt either. nice.
anyway. Becci and I did do Portland. it didn't suck, we broke even (more or less) but we won't likely ever do that again. it was very hard leaving the boys right after Thanksgiving dinner. literally. and then again the following weekend to boot. no thanks. we had fun overall, but it broke both our hearts to have to do it that way and we are about to swear off of 'Christmas' shows, big ones anyway. it certainly wasn't worth our time.
and CCC did ok. ok is a good word. but overall, business-wise we didn't do too bad. I could complain, but it won't get me anywhere.
and we are on a diet. of course, I don't do enough so I doubt it is making much (if any) difference. Mom got us a WII and seriously I have fun with it, and sometimes Mark and I will do the tennis thing together. I really get into it, even gave myself a touch of tennis elbow :rofl: and another thing we did for Christmas and Brian's Jan b-day was also get everyone into skating lessons. the boys are finally doing................................ok. now me....I was getting all cocky....I was doign pretty darn good! of course I didn't have any real gear, other then my new skates........spendy too.......but.......well........today........I hit the ice. seriously, the first time in 3 weeks. actually, fell twice. first time I landed hard on my knees. yup, got a good bruise coming in on the left knee. second time I went over backwards. well, this beached whale will NOT go back out again w/o more gear. I hit my left butt cheek and my head. OMG that hurt. and, of course, I am feeling oh so good about myself anyway, and Mark and I have been having another p!ssing contest so.............................................
anyway. I took 4 ibuprophin at the rink, got out of my skates. (reverse order). Mark met us there so I had him drive the boys home in his car (and follow me). I seriously would feel better had I got into a fist fight. d@mn that HURT. so far, the only thing that doesn't hurt is my right arm and leg. evidently I hit the left wrist going down, and I know I totally screwed up my back. took a hydrocodone after dinner. it has kicked in some so I am at least functioning. oh yeah, and I am on new meds too for the high bp.
I know, I need to start drinking. as in, seriously drinking.
man going over backwards seriously scared me tho. not just a bruised pride sort of scared, but really 'never do it again' kind of scared. all sorts of things ran thru my mind. and with it hurting like it is/was.........well........I contemplated going to at least the urgent care. and I abhore drs. but pupils are even. no 'gross' swelling. just......ow. turns out it scared quite a few other people too. dang.......that ice is........well.......slick :)) :roflmbo:
anyway. I will have to get more gear. I am not going to spend like $150 on skates and then not use them. and I was rather enjoying it too. boys go on Mon and Thurs for lessons, adults go Thurs at same time as the kids so we were out there today. think I might have scared Alex as well. I had a talk with Brian as to why he has all the gear he has. we talked about how itdoesn't hurt when he falls BECAUSE of the gear and he was pretty pleased with himself.
and to top it off........well, there s the money factor. we are still so strapped. not bad bad, but still...........I have an extreme case of cabin fever, and we can't afford to go anywhere. we still have the hockey games, and so far that has been way fun :D it helps they are doing well. we have some super neat boys on the team too. Dad went in to have his heart zapped (he has some fibrilation) and one of them showed up to do the hospital visit. I like Tyler S anyway, but it was fantastic to see them out in the community. having local ownership REALLY helps. we have a super duper neat C too; a redhead! I could go on and on about the whole thing, most of the team is that way.
well, being a bit.......well..........touched with the last pill, I can ramble on and on. just about ad infinitum. my spelling will get more and more interesting, so I think I will just turn in and relax if I can. did I mention OW? at least this way Mark will give me space. it isn't like we have sex anymore anyway, and now I can act like an invalid and get away with it :D
wow, a new installment!
I HAVE NEWS!! just short of 30 yrs ago, my family moved from Fresno CA up here. I had a friend there that really was a pretty darn good match for me! we both had an obsession with horses, we both had strong personalities. I couldn't give her my new address because we didn't have it before we moved, and somewhere in/after the move, I lost hers. seriously, I never stopped looking for her! we would go down to visit family and I would see if I could find her somehow. when I got older, and got internet access, I would search for her online. I never could narrow the search down far enough to find her (I would get 20-40+ hits). I never gave up totally, but I also never had any success. last summer/fall I joined classmates.com to see what I could see. I found the name of the school we went to in Fresno, and posted that I was looking for her. here it is many months later, and my subscription had long expired. I got a notification that I had a new msg, and I thought.........yeah, this has got to be a SCAM! just another ploy to get me to rejoin. so I checked out who it was from. as soon as I saw the name, I recognized it as her brother! I FOUND HER! we have been zinging emails back fast and furious. turns out we STILL have plenty in common too :D I am in serious almost disbelief, and I am going to call her later on today. I am dying to go back to CA, which is where she is. how neat is that?!?!?!?!