I get this email this am from Mark:
and he is about to get this in responseWe need a do over....... or what ever you want to call it
I am asking you out on a DATE. with me...... to apologize
for the way I have been...... and to court you .... wine and
dine ...(without the wine for you though)....
Yes we have the money to do it..... so if you could please
handle one small thing..... we need a babysitter...
And I would like to take you out Friday for a night on our
that is the honest to God truth...what is even more sad is I fully expect this to very seriously bite my *** later....I expect it to hurt more later then it does to not do ANYTHING...and I hurt enough already...I do NOT trust him...altho this is a new ploy, it still scares me to death.....I want to say fine, I want to fix things, but I am sick to death of every little ****ing thing coming back to haunt me in a couple months...I want to feel like living again.....I want to enjoy things....I want a happy marriage and life, is that too much to ask?I don't know, will think about it...don't feel like doing anything right now, don't feel good, just....not a good time to ask......Brian has the ****s, isn't going back to sleep, I am tired and not sleeping well either but will see if Mom can watch him Fri eve here as Dad is working swings anyway (that will depend entirely on fog tho)
okok, I am off to go try not too bawl my brains out alone in bed...the lil grump has faded into sleep so at least I won't keep him awake...poor guy, 4 teeth coming in, could be 6...ok looks like 6...no wonder he is being a grump
FYI: boinking just doesn't have the same effect the f word does...
ah yes...the answer: I don't want to be wined and dined, I want this fixed before it is irrepairably broken
and no response to the fix, only silence
guess I shouldn't expect anything
on a totally different note, Mom took Brian and I out to lunch...that boy is so strange...2 yrs old and he LOVES guacamole and likes salsa (yeah, even the med stuff!)...with the guac he will dip the chip in, suck off the guac and go for more that's my boy! he also likes rice and beans (esp with the cheese) and enchiladas...we had a ball...he got more soda, and that ALWAYS makes him a happy camper
spent some time with the folks...ok, G-ma monopolized him a while and I looked thru the classifieds...go figure, nothing to find so I decided to stop in where I used to work (WSU Research)....I can't believe I am going to say this, BUT, dayam I miss that place!! of course that which I miss most is gone...the two phd's I worked for are retired or moved on....but I did get to see many firmiliar faces...even Todd, the resident computer guru, seemed pleased to see me....that sorta surprised me...guess I was entertaining if nothing else! we stood and talked for 15-20 (? ) mins and then said out good bye's on our way out
has me thinking...I know there have been massive cuts out there, and literally no funds to cover much, BUT, on the other hand, I don't really NEED the $, kwim? maybe I should volunteer?? I dunno....will talk to Marcia again and see what if anything I can do...gas prices being what they are might kill that but we will see
and I am going to draw up plans up for a lamb shed...small but coyote proof and have it all in my head....IF Mark agrees, I could have bummers in a week or two and that actually has me interested in at least putting things together.....I DO expect him to shoot me down, but if I don't ask, he can't say no, right?
boy is down, I need to take advantage while I can....
ah yes, and Tiff, it means that I don't want to "forget" everything and be wine and dined, I want to fix this problem before it kills what is left
a friend of mine said is like having an elephant in my living room, everyone can see hear and SMELL the elephant, but not acknowledge the elephant
I want the elephant gone....I want a solution to the problem, not an effort to sweep it under the rug AGAIN....damn thing is too big to hide under a rug anymore
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand he is home.....and he still has absolutely no answer for me on the barn, and had to drag it out of him for ANY information on talking...he acts like he is totally clueless and then I get an "oh yeah" sort of response when I asked him about talking
yeah, right....he just wants to ignore the elephant
damn I hope that elephant ****s on him
ya know what? that strikes me as exceedingly funny
and have you ever seen the size of the pile an elephant makes? makes a cow pat look like a pea.......hmmmmm
man lunch was good......and I didn't have to make dinner tonight altho I DID offer too
ok, so mixed blessings last night/today
Brian slept with us last night...he hasn't been feeling good at all and ended up LOADING his diaper and waking up screaming at 1:30....nasty nasty....I didn't go to bed til about 11:30 not good (and altho I was tired, probably laid there until at least midnight)....good news (ok, sorta) is he MIGHT have been feeling in the mood, and altho I wouldn't mind some I wasn't gonna cuz of what happened last time (major regret cuz of a fight a couple hrs later)...poor boy doesn't have the runs but man they aren't solid either....tried giving him more cheese, rice and yogurt and NO fruit (other than in yogurt) and that didn't work at all
then this am, he was up at 7:30....he was in a VERY good mood and trying to tickle Mama's hand and arm and amazingly enough I was plenty awake so I tickled him back...guess Dad was awake too cuz he saw the hand in the air wiggling around trying to tempt Mama to get the pit and laughing LOUD...dang, very loud...dog was barking anyway....gonna kill that dog! so we got some breakfast and waited for things to calm down
so, about 8:30ish I went back to bed, and I had company.....that did NOT work....I was assaulted, Dad was assaulted, boy went to the crib and the min they walked out I crashed hard and fast......not bad I guess and I still don't wake up feeling better, but hey, at least I am not dragging as hard as when I first went to sleep, kwim?
so, I wake up just before 10....the boy is OBVIOUSLY awake and banging around the house...and it is starting to sound like they are about to go outside, turns out they are going to the store...amazing, as I THOUGHT dh was SUPPOSED to go to work today, and I certainly don't want him getting into trouble on MY account! but he was determined, said f it and went to the store
he is also supposed to get his hair cut today sometime, he really is starting to look like ****....is his way of "protesting" I guess....even he will acknowledge it doesn't look so good
so, now....I need to go get dressed and get at it....is pretty quiet in here....actually was going to get up and take Brian to the mall and walk (no, no shopping, just walking) but guess I won't now
oh yeah, and I need to tell him I am headed to Yvonne's tomorrow to fix her tractor....not sure if hte boy goes with me or what, but I doubt he will be thrilled...sorry...still haven't sat down to talk about ANYTHING so nothing has been resolved...
and dang I want lambs......we haven't even discussed that....will post that later tho
well, I played Sheera again today and MAN did it feel oh so good....until.....I sat down afterwards...OW...oh well, it was worth it! I raked out and burned a bunch of tumble weeds and it looks so much better now! went out and pulled a few weeds too and that is always a real pick me up!
we sorta talked about a barn, but he isn't all that interested at all...will have to draw the silly thing up I guess.... but I guess if I want lambs that bad is what I gotta do, kwim? GEEZ
and the smoke today was even blowing right towards the neighbor to our SE....the one that likes to peep into the master bathroom when a woman takes a shower and throws tumble weeds over the fence (to out side!), doesn't rake his damn leaves, so we have sh!t loads of them everywhere, his son likes to peal out in the drive way we (grudgingly) share with them (yeah, is on OUR property), refuses to take care of the weeds on HIS side of the fence (and looks like crap) AND grows tomatoes on his fence and NEVER takes down the plants at the end of the year...needless to say it look like white trash over there....we are going to put up a fence hopefully this summer, but still need to get the place surveyed first to figure out what is ours and not....as in, he had it surveyed and DIDN'T put the fence on the line, he put it a foot into his....how brilliant.....he thinks it is going to cost us over 1k to get it surveyed, but the SURVEYER said no more then $300 as it has already BEEN surveyed once....
so, tomorrow not sure what is going on.....can't get ahold of Yvonne, getting tired of trying, nto going ALL the way out there to find out plans have changed (which happens all the time)....so, if I can't catch her SOON I am going to make other plans....Mark has agreed to go look at real estate, I am going to talk to Mom about watching Brian for the day, and maybe we can finally sit down and have a good talk.....not counting on it, he is still avoiding....and it is working to his benefit....I just can't win for loosing.....will see...
better get going.....need to go figure out the rest of dinner...my poor boy is STILL asleep, and will need to get up soon.....he has been out for OVER 3 hrs and I want sleep tonight....and after being Sheera, I will most likely NEED it too...oh man, the thought....maybe tonight I CAN SLEEP
*sigh* the Ams play in Portland tomorrow, and altho we have SO MUCH to iron out, I still would LOVE to go to the game.....it isn't going to happen anytime soon, but I would love to get away for a night, with OR without the boy!
dang, if Mom wasn't flaking out so bad we could have had some time to ourselves.....we need it too....oh well, maybe his girlfriend can get away......she said she would see what she could do oh well
well, no sitter, altho I do have a friend that offered, she lives 45-60 mins away
more good news....almost had another panic attach today....oh the other hand, it definately was brought on
Mark, Brian and the dogs were outside playing with the ball....Mark turns his back to Brian for like 2 seconds and Brian does a swan dive into our VERY little pond (he is much taller then the pond, can get in AND out if he so chooses), but DAMN that water is cold!! and of course he went in face first...I pretty much met them at the door with towels, and he was only in for about 3 seconds and came out shivering and scared to death (all of us were) AND crying like crazy...a good sign, a crying child....as heartbreakign as it was....I met them just inside the door and Mark and I are peeling like bad and I am toweling ineffectively, went running in to run a warm (no, not hot) bath, Mark got him all but naked and I got him in the filling tub, consoling him, trying not to break down totally, and rubbing anything I could put my hands on
he was turning blue too....OMG that was really freaking me out....but I couldn't...he needed me and I was trying my absolute best to keep it together...5 mins of screaming turns into lots of splashing and I got him all soaped down, rinsed and warmed up the shower, rinsed him good and snuggled him up in a warm dry towel, rubbed him a bit and held him....
he is fine.....I still (several hrs later) am feeling the urge to either take a good stiff drink or bawl my brains out.....not good
so I called Mom to give her my sob story, and find out Dad did a real nono at work and might be fired....oh yeah, just what I needed....will see, he might be given a few days off w/o pay....or, if he has pissed off enough folks, he could be actually fired....he IS older, high seniority, made plenty of folks irritated (very) and if they are looking for a reason, let's just say he gave it too them
is either a blessing in disguise or early retirement, altho he IS of age (63), he doesn't necessarily WANT to retire...will see how it goes, not going to sweat it at all.....they aren't, so why should I...
so, that was my eventful day....we still haven't talked about anything, and I need to mention to him that I find it EXTREMELY important that we DO talk and soon
how fun...I should just go to bed.....take Brian with me, and see if I can sleep....doubt it.....