peachy...another sleepless night...brain going a million miles an hr and no end in sight...guess I should lay off the sugar at night, eh?
man I am stressing out...am starting to really hate Christmas...it USED to be my fav holiday but dh has fixed that for me...I used to be almost all done by November...no, Sept but that too has changed...being a sahm will do that...I used to galavant across several counties in the summer...man that was fantastic too...got to see lots of the countryside AND get paid...Walla Walla had a great lil t shirt shop where I got Dad's shirts, could always find something nifty for Mom in one of those lil hole in the wall shops...whatever bf at the time wasn't too hard either...
but I don't DO that anymore...I don't work, let alone drive hither and yon...I really miss that and don't see that happening anytime in the future either
I feel guilty if I spend $$ for Christmas...I feel more guilty if I don't...Mark makes great $...in fact better than Dad at this point and that (to me) is sure saying something! but Mark HATES shopping, he HATES the expenditure...he gets pissy when it comes to decorating ESP the outside...and he has ruined it for me...we started fighting about it a month ago and are still bordering on yet ANOTHER fight, altho I am sure he has no clue what is coming, the damn gift is for HIM!...I am so SICK AND F'ING TIRED OF FIGHTING! over $, over the house, over decorating, EVERYTHING! I remember being so completely alone before Mark came along, but DAYAM, IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO UNCOMPLICATAED...and I am afraid I can't instil the joy of Christmas into my son....I don't want him to hate Christmas too...giving should be a blessing...not an arm twisting (ok, breaking)
and on top of this, I dont know wtf to do about ttc...I just don't know...all I keep thinking is Brian is too young...WAY too young...he isn't ready to stop being the baby yet...oh yeah, and still no af....at first I was on a 28 day cycle, then it jumped to 26, then I went off bc and NOTHING...af was due Weds or Fri depending on what I went on...and of course I DID blow a stupid test to find out, TWO in fact! both bfn...that would stand for big f'ing NOTHING...I am torn...to get preg or not to get preg...I WANT ANOTHER BABY! but is it too soon? what about Mark, he says he is getting too old, but on the other hand, for that matter, I feel old so I dont think HE is...it isn't really an age thing, it is a we are too damn fat thing...it is an out of shape thing
and I hate being fat...50+ lbs over...and on a diet that Mark makes extremely difficult to be on...yeah, it is just a me and porportion thing, but still...it does me a world of good to watch him endlessly snack, or ***** cuz HE is gaining wt too....HELLO...YOU IDIOT, EAT LESS!!! that boy can polish off enough for 2 in one sitting, cuz it is "so good" so I make less, and he complains there aren't any leftovers to take to work, or I make more so he HAS them and he EATS THEM THEN! so.......?????!!!!! and then there are the cookies...those damn ginger snap cookies...gotta have em tho, cuz he can only eat a few of those and he needs something sweet...
so anyway, I am trying to cut back, and so close to Christmas no less...and I crave things now...did I mention a bfn? but the cravings are normal this time of year...I will spend the next few months searching for WHATEVER it is I crave and the following summer eating it...lucky me it is almost always something healthy...unlucky me Mark hates having the same thing over and over...it might actually be turkey this year
and sleep...here it is midnight...peachy...I can't sleep...gonna so pay for it tomorrow...stress, what a wonderful thing
and I feel so overwhelmed...not just Christmas either...just life...keeping the house in some semblance of order...keeping the bills down, trying to figure out what is for dinner...speaking of which I should probably head out to the garage and get a pig roast down...just not sure I want to go out in the cold...oh yeah, and another thing, guess who is headed to Spokane Weds? ya would think I have NOTHING better to do! but I told a friend of mine I would buzz her up so whe could fly out Thurs am
I don't want to go anymore...I wanted to go shopping and finish things off, now, bah humbug...gotta fly down there, do some EXTREMELY fast shopping, fly home in time for dinner and a hockey game.....
note to self, make a post on the WA boards.....
I love going to Spokane...would LOVE to go with Mark...he doesn't wanna...we COULD have finished our Christmas shopping ages ago doing just that...or to Seattle to see my brother and sister in law but nooooooooooo he doesn't want too
I do....ok did....
and I miss my husband...this new and better paying job has him out of the house ALL THE F'ING TIME...and my language is suffering...just noted that, but right now it suits me...
damn I am hungary..., but back to the job
he works Sat's all the time, just found out he doesn't HAVE too all the time...all those late nights, all the weekends...I hate it...I feel like a single parent...take today....was looking forward to going to church (with this filthy mouth? maybe better we didn't) and spending the day with him, maybe decorating, maybe going out, MAYBE NOT...but no, he let me sleep in til 10 (bless his lil pointed head) while he kept Brian up playing......HEY NUM NUTS, HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED FOR HIS AM NAP BY 9! not when you get to it at 9:45...with me he is almost always asleep by 8:30 and is UP by 10 so we CAN go to church....but no, he is dizzy....well DUH...if you would have taken better care of yourself, this WOULDN'T happen! he joined me at 10, didn't get up until after 1 when I told him to get up...I was already upset, so much for spending the ONE day we had TOGETHER...DIP****...so yes, for the record, I AM PISSY FOR A REASON
so I decided to do some decorating...by myself...threatened to go elsewhere at one piont...yeah, think he knew I was upset
but it is done...we went and got hamburgers for dinner, ok, I got one, he got chicken strips...doubt we will go back to BK anytime soon...damn cheap lids...spilled half my sprite in my lap either due to cheap lids or it wasn't put on right...I hate most fast food...it wasn't that good either...what else is new? anyway think it might be a grease and sugar high keeping me up...hoping I will crash anytime soon, but not feeling it coming on
so anyway, I got a call from my sister today...she was looking for a divinity recipe...only ever found one place that makes good divinity, and that is See's Candy...mmmmmmm...we talked for quite a while...she said I need to invent a new bc method after I told her what I had been thru since I had Brian...think I impressed her that I hadn't killed someone...ok, Mark
and she said something that really made me think about the ttc...it doesn't get any easier...she said if I want another child, waiting isnt going to make much of a difference...and I do want another child...I would love to have many more, but SHOULD I? I mean, who am I to possibly inflict my hormones on some unsuspecting child? I have plenty of flaws, do I really want to pass that on? maybe I should stick to just one...I don't know...but I HAVE decided not to make a decision until this cycle thing is definitively figured out....period or not...I really need to wait anyway I guess
I retest next week...will make some sort of decision then I guess...I still think it would be great to have a "summer" baby...ok, I think it would be great to HAVE another baby....who knows, maybe I am already and just not high enough levels...maybe if I am not I will break down and do the o tests...
who knows, maybe I will just go on a killer diet and then Mark can find me irresistable and I can have quads or something
am watching the end of the Joy Luck club....OMG how depressing...not bad, but if it has a really bad ending I am gonna be pissed off
but I finally know exactly what I want for my son...a quality heart...is like BLAM WOW...THAT IS IT!!! I don't care about money or power or fame, I want him to have a quality heart...
oh sheesh...I am bawling again...Good ending too...
and just to proof that I can't let make an exceedingly short post in my journal, now I shall commence rambling!
not much new in what, 2 days? ok, something a lil new...wanted this to live in the anuls of time (or is that anal?) yesterday didn't start out good at all, but what do you expect when you go to bed at 1:30?!?! so day starts at 7 and it isn't a good start at all...felt NASTY and I am sure my bp was way up too...Brian wasn't in a great mood either...didn't go down til almost 9:30 for his am nap....grumpy...and into EVERYTHING...and Mark, bless his lil pointed head (PLEASE, SOMEONE, ANYONE!) put the lil tiny lights for the tree in the bottom drawer...yeah, the one I have been threatening to clean out for ages...and yeah, he was "kind" enough to put a drawer lock on it, Brian can STILL get his hands into it
and you got it, into the mouth....got him pretty quick...was 99% sure it was just a base and got that right out of his mouth...NP at all...he drank the rest of his bottle and FINALLY went down for his nap
here is where the problem starts...I told Mark about it so at noon he calls
he was freaking out on how Brian HAS to go to the dr...so, finally convinced he will have a heart attack if I don't at least CALL the dr, I CALL the dr, who said the er word to which I responded NO...she said going to urgent care was a better idea first, but.....urgent care said they wouldn't see me so I called Mark back so we could have a fight and I could hang up on him...so nice of him to be so accomodating, right?
the edited version goes like this: 2.5-3 hrs later in urgent care guess what, THERE IS NO LIGHT IN THERE!!!
YA THINK...so I called Mark back to tell him everything was FINE, told him next time he gets a hair up his ask me no questions (remove k-n) HE can take Brian in! and then had the oportunity to hang up on him again, and took it after I informed him I was going out for dinner with or without him, and if it was without HE was keeping the lil grumpasaurus (yeah, like he is going to be charming after several hrs)
so, Mark got home ON TIME and I enjoyed a rather tasty guacamole burger BY MYSELF and then did some running around
went to bed at 9ish...slept thru the night...aaaaaahhhhhhh feeling rather good this am
got a bunch to do today tho cuz it wasn't done yesterday....ah well, at least today I feel human...
oh yeah, and EVERYTHING was cleared from the bottom drawer and I put the lids etc in there for my lil explorer to find...he should be happy...Mark wasn't but all I have to do is psycho on him again...all will be
well, I have good/bad news...I am a week late...HOORAY FOR ME, right? so day before yesterday I am like OMG I AM A WEEK LATE!!!!
then I am like, OH ****, I AM A WEEK LATE!!
and I roller coaster between mixed in the a very occasional
and then I am like I really wish I could take my zoloft...and I DID take a test Mon or Tues am, it was bfn...so I am like, nothing like a lil stress to make a body freak out, right?
and then yesterday I had an almost migrane headache...it hurt bad enough that I was flushed and I finally called the dr and got an apt Weds afternoon late...OMG my head was about to EXPLODE! and I thought, hey, since I am here.....take a blood test, right?
*sigh* well, nope...bfn...big fat negative...got the confirm today...good news is my blood work was just fine...blood pressure was ok...
and I think I am majorly relieved it isn't that I don't want another child, I am just a lil stressed out and think I need time to get used to the idea...which isn't a bad thing...esp that I am NOT preg...maybe after Christmas...but AF is going to have to show up sooner or later...either that or I will get a bfp soon enough...
like Mark said, we are fooling around unprotected, and when someone does that, usually someone ends up pregnant
I should ask him if he has taken a test lately
so anyway, am praying like crazy that I get zapped when the time is right...but for now we are just going to fool around and have fun!
I had a really neat thought this am...IF I time this right, I could have a baby on my b-day and then I wouldn't have to "do" it alone...hmmmmm...that sounds FANTASTIC
headaches are....drum roll.......TENSION!! good news is at least I know WHAT they are from, bad news is well, until the tension goes away, I have a headache
man all the journals I usually read aren't being...er...journaled!! HOW am I supposed to snoop if no one posts? and I miss yaking at JD and Jules...want to get things started but not feeling inspired or confident to do that yet....need to recheck the list too and make sure I have everything...
and on a good note, Mark and I ACTUALLY COMMUNICATED...we are both working on it, and so far it is working like a charm...and he is pretty much done with shopping so he is calming down too...damn I could just shoot him....I need to REMEMBER we are canceling Christmas next year!
well here it is a few more days past, and things have settled down...it all happened when Mark made an offhand comment about work and what was wrong...and why he was spending so much time at work...he is afraid of being laid off again...so we are up until all hrs of that night and got lots and lots of stuff talked out...man did that feel GOOD
AND to make things that much better, we both finished our shopping off and with THAT load off, we are both feeling much better...he is still stressing over work, but I am NOT...they love him over there for good reason, and I have been doing my part to help him see that and he finally is...I don't have a bad feeling about this job I did about the last one...yeah, he is still working more than I like but at least it isn't to avoid me! which is what I thought in the beginning...
so, on an off note, I almost was forced to take vengence on a biatch in a pt cruiser with my truck...if I didn't GRAPHICALLY know how much it would have cost me in the long run I would have I was trying to get out of her way in the parking lot to get out and she cut me of by parking right in the path I was taking...I pulled the truck up close enough for her to know JUST how pissed off I was and let her have it...yeah, like either of us can hear each other inside our respective vehicles but she sure as hell knew just how mad I was and just how much I was considering actually hitting her...BUT, Brian WAS in the car, yeah, I wouldn't be able to afford ANY insurance after that, but OMG it would have felt soooooooo satisfying...I got close enough that she wasn't going to get out THAT door...like I said, I was a lil pissed off
like trying to shop in Walmart on Christmas Eve is going to make things easier to deal with I was after decorations, but that was INSANE!
so anyway, I made it home safely w/o going back to key her truck...finished getting things cleaned up...did a ton of decorating waiting for Mark to get home...and I had asked him to bring KY puck and he did, which was not too bad.....I DIDN'T have to cook and we DIDN'T eat on my pretty table! Mark went out to fish the garland out of the garage and couldn't find it...hehehehe, it was right where he left it with x-mas garland tattoo'd on the side...ya can always tell when HE writes it, I do NOT LIKE X-MAS...I like Christmas!
and after saying all that....guess who finally got the Christmas bug?? BOTH OF US! we got the house looking really nice....everything is as done as we are going to get it today! and it looks great...so much different than it did this am...and dinner is officially planned out...ya probably don't want to know, is extra fancy! prime rib, twice baked spuds, shrimp, salmon stuffed mushrooms, carrots, homemade bread (Mom's doing), and for dessert, lemon dessert, pound cake and or pumpkin pie...OMG we are going to be so stuffed tomorrow!! oh yeah, and pomagranite jelly for the bread, made by Mom and I (quite awhile ago actually!)
oh man I almost forgot...the Mad Cow thing...was thinking the other day I sure hope it isn't a friend of mine and her hubby...they are dairy farmers down in Mabton...yeah, Mabton, where I get my bummer lambs, where I have worked, and yes, where that "alleged" Mad Cow was residing...btw, has anyone noticed it isn't confirmed yet? they are STILL waiting for confirm from UK
they spilled the name of the dairyman today...I haven't seen her in years and didn't know the name of the dairy, but I did see her on the news...NOT GOOD...it looks like it IS their farm...I need to get ahold of her...she is definately in my prayers...if you think of them, this could for sure sink anyone...and it could cause enough stress to break people...please keep them in your prayers and thoughts...I am so worried...
good news, she is as cute as ever...I miss her...lost touch with her when we both moved...hmmmmm
so anyway, things here have even keeled...a wonderful thing
so I am off to watch the last of OCC with DH and probably hit the hay...he has been molesting me all day so maybe tonight I will actually get some!!
well, a few things have happened around here...least of which, MY SON IS WALKING!!!
he started on Jan 2 (and this is for posterity)...for a couple of days anyway, then HE QUIT...like all together quit for a few days, and then VOILA, up he goes
I had come in from shoveling snow, figuring Brian was going to be up any second from his am nap...he did and I picked him up and played with him for a few...he wanted down so I put him on the floor standing up...he let go of me totally...looked around like...where should I.......? and then took 5 steps...stopped, looked around like OMG and sat down VEEEEEEERY carefully...I made a HUGE deal of it with hugs kisses and squeels and he is like, MOM!!! so I sat back down in the rocker and he came over to the "body getter", stood up (for better access, obviously) then turned around and walked a few steps to the couch!!
AND THEN NO ON WOULD ANSWER THE PHONE!!!!!!! Mark was out of the office and Mom didn't answer the cell, so I called her land line and she finally answered
I about went nuts!!
so now here it is a couple weeks later and he is practically chasing the dogs down on a regular basis...
and of course we did have a b-day party...complete with decorations and, of course a cake...one for him, one for the rest of us...he is quite a lil cake destroyer too! ate some frosting, some cake, and wore most of it...we had a blast, got tons of pictures AND video...even Ken showed up...it was great! we did request no presents...we all overdid it at Christmas, but the grandparents got him stuff anyway (no problem!) and his "girlfriend" from the hockey game, aka babysitter on occasion, got him a really nice insulated shirt...
ah yes, and as of Jan 15 he has 4 teeth, an extreme attitude, grumpy as all get out, and looks like 2 or 4o more coming in...however at this point NOONE is allowed to put fingers in the mouth to check it out...and feels like fangs to me...just can't check! even asleep he clamps his lil mouth shut ah well, nosey Mama needs to leave him alone
maybe we will get lucky and my happy go lucky easy sleeps thu the night and makes motherhood easy boy will come back tomorrow...I do miss him...this lil grumpasaurus is driving me and Mark NUTS...he even spent the night with G-ma last night...I missed him bad and he missed Mom in particular, but Mom and Dad really needed sleep...Mark has a cold tho and altho I did get a LITTLE more sleep, Mark still isn't getting hardly any...who knows, maybe he is having sympathy pains with his son
and still nothing on the ttc front...still not cycling, altho I thought I was earlier...was cramping a lil and felt like af was here but alas, nothing
maybe I should jump Mark's bones...ya know, just in case
yeah, like he is going to object
now if i can just get rid of this headache...I hear is great for that tho!
gotta run, need a shower and some sleep SOON...esp if Brian is going to wake up later....will have good pics to post next time!
oh yeah, good to have you back Kym...hope you settle in soon, and you can still borrow my cat!! (my mighty Tut is a wonderful hunter!)
oh man...had a real blast from my past today...all of a sudden there was an inquiry from an ex bf...strange but comforting I guess...he just asked how G-ma is doing...I lost it...am sitting her bawling my brains out...just put Brian down for his nap and noticed I had a msg....was...blown away...just totally blown away...he said he would have come down had he known...before we ever dated we were pretty good friends...he was a really good friend to just about everyone, but totally sucked as a bf...was a long distance relationship that we both should have walked away from long before we did
not sure what to do about it either....we are sitting here yaking away...it is kinda awkward too, but not undoable...so far nothing he has said is unexpected or anything to start a fight (that is rare)...no insults, just like it was before we were dating...we gave the "friend" thing a shot but I think he was still to angry with me, or whatever (I really had/have no clue what crawled up his butt)...and was ALWAYS trying to pick a fight and/or cause problems...Mark finally said it would make him feel better if I cut him loose and it was the excuse I was looking for...
and when G-ma did pass away, I was pretty shocked he DIDN'T show up or stop in at Mom's for condolences...
so it is strangely comforting...and just weird...think we have just about run out of things to say too...and he should be about to head home...he is only on at work I guess...not sure what to do...will def tell Mark, and just see where it goes from here...if Mark says no, no it is and I have no problem with that cuz this is just plain weird and I have no desire to make him upset...we had a pretty darn good day today, despite me feeling pretty crappy...I went tanning last night and pushed it...not been feeling good overall anyway and am now a tad burnt on top of it...*sigh*
but oh man tanning does feel so good.....I so miss the sun.....I can't wait til Spring SPRINGS!