I just had a rather self-enlightening talk with my Mother about my marriage. I came to a few conclusions on my own. I KNOW why I am so angry. FINANCES. I KNOW what to expect from Mark: nothing. it dawned on me, a few things did: we have more bills/groceries/gas/etc then we have paycheck at the end of the month. strange, the 'big' bill comes out BEGINNING of the month. ug. I actually got my sahm Mother to say maybe I should put Alex in daycare and go get a job. is good she was on the phone, I seriously felt physical violence towards her. Mark basically told me he doesn't want me too. BESIDES, who wants to hire someone that hasn't "done anything" for the last 6+ yrs??? I can't even be a sexist pig and use my looks to go get a job, as my looks aren't near what they used to be. I seriously wouldn't even know how to get started and all I want to do is leave. how lame is that? dang I am swinging hard, aren't I??
so I called Mark to ask about what he is doing to rectify the bills. yup, once again, he had dropped the ball. I knew he wuold; he always does. so I told him I was no longer his 'financial' buffer. that I wasn't 'being bad' doing what I was doing. that I was no longer going to 'protect him' from the death throes our finances are in. I told him he was responsible for picking up the mail. that I didn't want to hear about the end of the month over-draws. that as we discussed in the beginning, HE was now once again responsible for all of it and I wasn't going to worry about being nice ANYMORE. HA NICE! I remember feeling like this pre-Mark, and I remember all too well the dreaming/nightmares about worrying about finances when things were oh so tight. I can't hardly even deal with the boys anymore, and I feel so out of control most of the time.
seriously, why would ANYONE marry a person that is worthless? always wrong? can't do a THING right? always 'needing help'??? WHY? if I am THAT bad a person, if I am THAT stupid, if I am ALWAYS wrong, WHY would he want to stay married to me in the first place?!?!?!?!?!
I just don't get it; and frankly, I am sick to death of trying to figure it out.
and how sad is it that as I type my msg out I constantly correct my grammer, punctuation etc?
so, my 'demons' are chasing me. am still not sleeping really well w/o having one about every other night or so. yeah, sex helps, but that doesn't often happen. so anyway, I just.....don't go to bed. and I over think everything. like......stupid stuff. like, I would LOVE to sit down with my ex and talk. I wanna ask him questions like, how many other women? WHAT made you think I would go back to that? I want to be able to truthfully tell him "I don't believe you". I want the wasted yrs back, from him and the other idiot. see?? I shouldn'mt be up at 1:30. my brain goes into stupid overdrive. I think things like, dh is a wonderful father, usually........but he was too old. sorry....that's how I feel. I freak out when I sit here and he ISN'T snoring like a buzz saw. I think, is he still breathing? what would I do w/o him? geez, what am I going to do WITH him? what the HE!! WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!?! my brain bings all over the place. I would love to ask my Aunt if my paternal Grandfather was abusive before he lost his wife. I am betting he wasn't as bad, but not good either. with 5 kids........I can't imagine what to do with TWO kids. I would love to ask a b/f from high school (the one from church) WHY he wanted to know if I was still going to church? dh didn't want me to go to the Dad's funeral, but..........? that one really took my by total surprise. entirely it would shock me if he thought I was the one that got away, but why ask if I still went to church???? I wonder what it would be like if we had gone back to ID. or if we had bought the Casa house. or if I had pushed moving when we got back hard enough to actually move. I wonder how thingis would have gone had I not decided dh was too old. what if what if what if???? I would love to ask Aunt Nita if she regrets not having kids. or if Uncle Lawrence was plenty. does she have regrets? not everyone would, they have quite the life together. what does being a Christian mean to her, anything other then going to church? oh here's one that just popped in........did my sister anticipate her vows? I mean, seriously, shouldn't the brain be QUIET this late at night??? I am almost drop dead tired, but ZING there goes the brain.
oh hey, Jazzy is starting to get ready for the baby! she could go literally any time now, but she isn't due until.......about April 11. ok, depending on when she 'took'. I want to go riding, but.......so far between not having a broke horse to ride, and Jazzy's pregnancy.........
maybe I should go back to work, I wonder how much impact that would have on Alex? ZING there it goes again. if I sit here long enough, seriously I could write pages. if I go to bed, I get to..........anticipate my next nightmare. haven't had one ni two nights, so I am due. we aren't in trouble with finances anymore, but with the possibly refinance coming up...........EGADS. the wind was howling off and on today. yuck. too bad I couldn't roundup the bermuda in the flower beds. speaking of beds, I wonder if we need another one? the lilacs are about to bloom too, I can't wait for that one! and I am about to start taking riding lessons again that has me pretty excited. skating tomorrow too, should be interesting. dang, I am so fat........................
I can literally do this for hrs, but seriously I have to get up tomorrow am at 8 to get the boys to school. they will most likely wake me up 7ish. I will likely put a movie on for Alex and snooze in the chair. it is laundry day and I need to wash the sheets, so in bed isn't a good idea. the boys won today in Everette, that was great to listen too! I have a bridal order, but DANG she keeps changing it. seriously? are you KIDDING? AGAIN?!?!?! fine fine fine. ya know chica, eventually I will be charging you a restringing fee!!!
turns out my oldest has a bit of a nasty streak like his Mom. we are trying just about everything to get that boy into some semblance of control (sound firmiliar?) and it just isn't working. I just did a silver buy chased with a big crystal buy. so yeah, that keeps me somewhat occupied this past weekend saw the crystal buy wrapped up so the 4 of us were out playing in the WONDERFUL weather we have been having. well, until Brian threw the ball OVER the 6 ft ceder fence (by quite a ways, into the neighbors from he!!'s yard of course). right after he was told NOT to throw it over the wire fence, or nto to play in the arborvitae (where we found a HUGE black widow), or to fight with his brother.......I can go on and on. so he was sent in to the house. told to go to his room, but bed wasn't mentioned. well, I just found his revenge. nto entirely sure WHEN he did it, but.........had to be in the last sometme since...Fri night. he got the lil pointy super sharp scissors, or the pet nail trimmers, and cut thru the cotton string we practice chicken bondage with (rotisserie). in several places. and then turned it over. Just found it, about 12:30am. yes, that does say AM. it isn't the first thing I have discovered he was into.
I am hoping and praying this is funny in a day or two. cuz right now I want to drag his butt out of bed and...........hmmmmmmm.........ok, too tired to get all sorts of creative. I want to be all sorts of vindictive, but I can't do that. will have to powwow with Mark tomorrow and see what he says. seriously, this kid has a few things just like his Mom, and I might have to sell him to the next passing gypsies if he doesn't knock this off!!! GEEZ
hey, at least he has some imagination tho. he also made some confetti out of those wire tie things and something black in the drawer. it should be rather interesting to see what Mark has to say tomorrow.......
what a roller coaster ride I am living. I HATE it with a passion!
first, we decide to refinance shorter term, better rate, not much more $, not bad, eh? yeah, right. we get the banker from he!!, a completely INCOMPETANT APPRAISER, who, btw, isn't allowed back on the property........and a wasted $450 for his incompetance. nice, eh? so it's about done, we aren't aware of his obscene stupidity yet.......we go on vacation. it wasn't bad. the boys were a HUGE handful. but hey, at 4 and 6, what else are we to expect, right? anyway......we did the Worldmark thing. we needed more 'points'. so we do the seminar thing to get some, and to inquire about MORE points. no, NOT a new one, we are using Dad's cuz he never uses it.......anyway......we just need a few more points. talk about a hard sell, basically they didn't want us to get otu w/o us buying SOMETHING. we basically refused at first, because we just wanted prices. yeah yeah, we really lovED going there, but we didn't have financing for it, and we WILL NOT pay 17-18% interest on ANYTHING. period. peachy. so they are talking a 30 day recind, then they say they can't do more then 14 days. ok, fine.........no problem.......we get home, get the incompetant pinhead's appraisal news, and sh!T splatters from the fan. we waited until we had news from our Realtor (who is doing the 'appraisers' job), and I called yesterday am. really, I went from being 'excited potential owner' to psychotic raving b!tch in a day. turns out, sometime between 'you have 14 days' and signing, it turned into 5 days. seems they processed the 'downpayment' last week, which would explain the overdrafts on our debit card. OH PEACHY. they didn't wait the prescribed 14 days, they did it in 5. seriously I thought I was going to have to go get a lawyer and go for damages et al to get our funds back. as it is, they are too incompetant to return funds in less then a week. they 'put a rush on it'. ya know, a rush is an hr or two, not a week or two. short story is, we told Dad we wouldn't be paying for his anymore, that we wouldn't be using it anymore. for that matter, we won't be crossing a Worldmark threshold EVER again, and so help me if some d@mned idiot calls trying to sell it, I will SHRED said idiot. seriously, does NO ONE have any integrity anymore???
but, on a better note........we switched cell phone carriers. we went to the 'dreaded' US Cellular. really? WHY would they be 'dreaded'??? I had some issues with the bill, and they very patiently explained the whole thing. so far we have had very few issues with anything, and I am LOVING the switch. honestly, everytime we had to 're-up' with Qwest, who now is getting out of the cell business, we had MAJOR issues. something always cropped up and took some serious acreage out of my backside. but not USC, they have been WONDERFUL to deal with so far. KUDOS to them for the great service I have had so far. no bs, no run around......just super friendly super helpful staff. doesn't get much better then that, right?
well, we decided to go at it again. started when we went to look at a property, and I got a bit excited. ya know, the whole moving thing. the whole getting out of HER place thing. right. he threw a CHILDISH fit IN FRONT OF the realtor. he was f'ing POUTING, tromping around, making up ANY excuse not to do it. seriously, if he would have just let it run it's course, it wouldn't have been anything, the house isn't for us (yes, I am just DESPERATE to get out of here!). then he wants to commence gloating, alternating between the two when I didn't drop it. I did like he said, gave him time to get used to the idea and he is pulling numbers out his butt and riding roughshod over any idea I have. I resent that. and the obviousness of his opinion of his wife is getting more then annoying. it devolved into a screaming match, a week or two later, at which time he said it was just me being hormonal. WTF? REALLY? you got a DEATH WISH BUDDY? I BE HAPPY TO GIVE IT TO YA. more damage has been done. again. and again and again and he doesn't get it. he went to my 'stolen' brother and was advised to sell the house, after I actually brought the suitcases in to leave. seriously, I was going to see if I could stay at a friend's place, and I saw my oldest literally turning circles in the living room in his angst. seriously, I have never wanted death more then that moment. one of those moments where if I hadn't graphically seen what suicide does to a child left behind I would have at least tried it. d@mn, that HURT. it still does, and I still see it in my head a week plus later. Alex stopped sleeping a couple of nights. Brian was beyond agitated. I made plans to get out, I had a show in Ocean Shores I HAD to do (obligations to another friend, actually two). yadda yadda yadda. so the plan was to come home and find a job, see if I can move out. we went to talk to friends, and I seriously just can't leave my boys, and I can't take them with me. I am making arrangements to find places for the horses for now, but that isn't looking promising yet either. we are supposed to be working it out, I am seriously trying to, but I seriously don't want too. my brain is spinning useless circles as I am emptying the truck of all the show stuff. his wedding ring is made of (in part) his wedding ring with his first wife. the next jack @ss that tells me all about the 'burning off' or 'purifying' durign the casting process will be dealt physical blows. my 'wonderful' MOTHER included.
I tried, I terribly missed the boys. he sent me flowers to my motel room, he really is trying, but I do NOT want much to do with him. I really am trying, but it is so hard, I just want to give up. I can't for the boys, but on the other hand, I am not sure I can for them either.
they start hockey in just under a month. hockey WHL starts soon too. just another something to deal with, and I ma not sure I am ready to do anything. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do, but I know nothing will be easy, everything is likely to get worse, and if we are ever going to move, I expect that to seriously bite my a$$ as well. I just can't win for loosing, and this certainly seems like a loosing battle to me. God knows everything is always my fault anyway. why on earth would ANYONE want to be married to someone who is always so wrong, always so bad, always so.............me?
well, it's a month later, and today......TCAHA BP started. guess that takes some translation, doesn't it? Tricity Amateur Hockey Association Beginers Program. we were watching the boys.....Alex already has a real passion for the ice and hitting the puck around. he is OH so cute, pays really good attention, and si doing great. Brian........well, Brian is busy being bossy and fiddle farting around. typical. so, the guy that sits behind us at the Ams games, also was sitting behind us in the bleachers. he ended up on the phone at one point near the end..........well........he says don't go back over the Pasco freeway, there is a really bad accident. turns out, there was a head on accident on the W bound lanes rght before the bridge and that shut down W bound traffic totally, and had the E bound lanes so tied up there s about a 30-60 min back up. there is a blip on the herald about a head on fireball, possibly one fatality, possibly 3 kids involved. the whole thing has me entirely freaked out. that COULD have been me and the boys on the way home.......I want details, but I shouldn't go get them. we will be staying up tonight to get thigns done, the house will be going on the market asap and Mark tookm tomorrow off, so I will catch the news at 11. it's bad, so very bad. looks like they have (I kid you not) 15 or more patrol cars out there. Mike's wife Michelle was on the E bound side of the bridge and gave him a head up. wow, to be right there, I would have freaked out. if you are the praying sort, pray for those on the bridge this day, they will certainly need it.
well, the accident was really bad. traffic is really bad both ways on 182, enough we are second thinking being a part of BP entirely. there were 2 adults and 3 kids involved in the accident. apparently the suburban had mechanical problems heading W bound and was trying to get off the road when a chrysler, doing 20+ mph faster rear ended her. the lady in the suburban was hospitalized for a few days from what I understand. the man in the car was seriously injured. the almost 13 yr old girl (step daughter) in the front seat died a day later. the 12 yr old girl behind her died 2 days later (neice/cousin). the 4 (?) yr old boy was hurt but not seriously. there are many rumors flying around, including that the man was partially or totally blinded, and that there may or may not have been insurance on either vehicle. there were several heroes on the bridge that day, many of them will likely need serious counseling. there was the Mom from Moses Lake that got the hysterical lil boy out the back, there was the officer that was burned trying to save one of the girls. both vehicles burned. I can't hardly drive over the bridge w/o nearly panicing. I was almost in an accident going E bound a week later. seriously, I gotta ask myself, even my my big F-150 supercrew, we should be safe, but is it worth it?
Alex thinks so, so does Dad. Brian doesn't mind, he sorta likes it, but I am on my own getting them there and I can't tell you how much I hate that bridge.
I did end up getting my own facebook page so I could follow what was going on, altho I got more from the news. this is totally not what I came on here to post about. seriously, the house is on the market. the house looks great, and I am so impressed with the work we have done. we also got some meds for me, some sort of antidepressant for my pms (or pmdd or whatever it is). I started tonight, and Mark and I were having a conversation about it. as in, an intelligent adult conversation and not a fight. I honestly don't feel like killing anyone or anything today, or this week for that matter. not even Jazzy and Kitty who broke thru the fence and one gate (literally). not even while we have the flu, and yes, it could be the swine flu (hey, flu is flu is flu, they are all bad). we all have had it, and yes, it is nasty, but what flu isn't? no throwing up, so I def wouldn't classify it as dying, but the coughing and the headaches were bad, and the boys got up to 103 and 102 resp. usually controlled easily with meds, which we did. we also got the 'good' cough meds yesterday. gack, but they work. anyway, it is nice not feelign entirely out of control again. yeah, lots of anxiety over the house, getting it ready and on the market and keeping it show ready even with 2 boys (ok, make that 3, Mark is here too). if we could just get out of here quick we can maybe get into the new house before Christmas. we are going to build, which I am honestly looking forward too. will see how it all goes, but for now we gotta get this one sold. should be interesting. but then, life can be. I don't mind a little excitement now and then as long as it's the good kind and not the OMG kind. or the OH CHIT kind.
ack, and we gotta get up in 6 hrs and meet with Brian's teacher and counselor in the morning. this should be fun, I can't sleep. the sudafed ini advil cold has me all sorts of wound up. I was hoping the codiene in the cough syrup would fix that (and the cough that had me up too)
so my brain is spinning seriously at a zillion miles an hr. it's kicking out some really weird stuff, like........I would kill to have some plastic surgery (and if I could have it I SO would!). nip, tuck, suck.........you BETCHA! ah, I wasted my 20-something body didn't I *roflmbo* it's pinging all over, and my dreaming is going to be WAY weirder then that I bet. I dreamed we were in the new house last night, but that's all I can remember. couldn't calm down enough to get to bed last night, and here t is midnight again and here I am up. UG. bing: I wonder if we can afford in floor heating under the tile, that would be so nice! BING: OH geez did I turn the fence back on? am pretty sure I did.........BING: I need some better towels for display in the master bathroom. WHY would anyone put shells and beads on towels?!?!?!?! I have to dry my...er...butt with that and I certainly don't want shells and beads THERE! BING: oh dang, the Ams lost tonight. BING: we need to clean up the garage soon. BING: we should get Bear out and work wth him one more time before the farrier shows up on Friday. BING: write down perm Fri, don't forget it! BING: I hate cutting hair, I wish Mark would get it done elsewhere!! BING: I need to get back to my jewelry!
DANG, it's almost like I am tired or SOMETHING! BING!
the boys did WONDERFUL today at hockey. seriously I am totally impressed, Brian even LISTENED! we still need to find the right bribe I tell ya. he has the potential to be so much and he stll finds a need to see if he can get me to kll him! ARG!!
but, tonight he was in his element. and, for a few shining minutes, he was my gorgeous, smart, quiet, affectionate baby. ok, in full hockey gear, but hey......he was OH so cute! we went out to dinner after......went with G-ma and G-pa who came for the 'show'. they didn't eat cuz they had to pick up my Aunt and they went to dinner from there. so they left and it was the 4 of us for a bit, and then, because Brian didn't wanna be done, and Alex was.........Alex went home wth Dad and Briian and I had some alone time. he was super sweet. I so want to see THAT kid more! we went to Walmart too, had to pick up some of his lunch meat. but he was just a little gentlemen, even holding my hand and talking to me. dang, he can be so grown up on rare occasion.
I love that kid. I really don't want to have to strangle him. and he is SO cute, we just need to figure out how to get THAT kid to show up more often!
DANG, I am tired........well, off to bed. before it changes from 12:30 to 2 again like it did last night!
wow, it's been almost a year! lots have happened. WE MOVED! we are now in Kennewick. lovely big diamond in the rough: it needs oodles of work. we moved in May Brian is going to private school half days, and we are working on testing for add/adhd. we ended up pulling him out of public school on his 7th birthday because he was not listening, not learning, falling way behind, and instead of working with me, they worked against me at the school. I homeschooled him, and it certainly isn't something I like, but I can do. for now he is half private school and half homeschooled. will see how it goes from here. Alex is doing fairly well. we have guests living with us from March-August. will post more later, but for now, we are doing fairly well.
1 husband, not dead yet
1 wife, not homicidal yet
2 sons, growing like weeds, playing hockey and lovin it
1 dog, Katie passed last summer (09)
3 cats, Tut passed away last winter, we now have Ebony
2 outside cats, Bubbles and Sasha who we inherited with the house
4.5 horses. yup, that's right, Kitty is pregnant, and I bought a black and white mare, Luv